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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 4/22/00
<--Previous Archive Next Archive -->
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I need to get this off
my chest, and I hope maybe someone can give me some good advice.
My MIL moved in with us 7 years ago. At that time we were a
struggling family with three small children. My husband had
just gotten out of the Air Force. She did not really have a
place to go, her house had gotten too big, the small town changed,
and she could never live like she did before. Since my husband
is the baby of the family, we decided to have her live with us, and
she would help us with a down payment on our home. At that time
the house seemed large, now it seems very small. My MIL is in
her 80's. She is an amazing woman, and has had an amazing life.
To help you understand her, I will give you a few details. She
grew up fairly wealthy. She married, but only lived away from
her Mother about 6 months, and then returned to the family home along
with her husband. She has never been on her own in her life.
She grew up with maids and nannies. She never has cleaned an
oven, mopped a floor, or made a bed. She was babied all her
life. She broke her hip nearly two years ago, and bounced back
like new. Her eyesight is poor, and she wears glasses when reading.
She spends her days doing the New York Times puzzles, knitting, reading,
playing solitaire, or watching TV. And she does not have a social
life. We can hardly get her to church at all. She is afraid
to meet people her age because she doesn't want to hear about their
ailments. She has been widowed about 20 years. She is
completely dependent on us. We get her what she needs.
She doesn't get out much, unless she gets to the point of being stir
crazy. And when she reaches this point, she has usually made
our lives all sheer hell. She is also the world's worst slob.
Right now it is particularly bad because she has a parakeet that is
right by her side. It only goes in the cage at bedtime.
I can't tell you what it's like to see your MIL with bird mess on
her shoulder all the time, bird mess wherever. At this point,
I am just thankful it is a small bird.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Bye-bye
Birdie" in your response.
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After nearly 30 years
of marriage I don't feel that I am an expert, but I do have some experience
under my belt. I read the stories posted here and realize that
we all share the same experiences, though to varying degrees, in our
relationship to the MIL. I have had many instances of MIL abuse
and many instances of love, kindness and generosity. Although
my MIL insisted on calling me by the wrong name for years, to the
point that my children were correcting her; and although she
spoke to my husband (her only son) daily (sometimes twice a day) and
he told her more than he ever shared with me; and although I
perceived her to be interfering and having undue influence over my
husband; I never, ever criticized her or let my husband know
how much I resented her. My FIL passed away suddenly 7 years
ago. Then, 4 years ago, my MIL passed away after a serious illness.
I am so grateful that I kept my mouth shut and allowed my husband
his "time" with his mother. He has only good memories of my
relationship with her, and this sounds selfish, it made me look very
good in his eyes. My son is now 20 and is in love with a girl
that I do not like. I can only hope I have learned enough to
build a relationship based on the mutual love of my son, and accept
her as she is. And, hopefully, she can see (by my actions) that
I am not a rival, but that we each have our own place in his life.
God grant me the wisdom to never become a horror story MIL like some
that have been reported here.
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It would seem that in
America you have the exact same type of problems as me (and some of
my female friends) have here in Britain. My mother-in-law is
an absolute cow, and she has been ever since my husband and I got
engaged. She was as nice as pie before then. We had been
seeing each other for about a year and a half before we got engaged
(so you would think you knew each other). The night after we
got engaged we went to stay at her house, and did some washing.
Before my MIL put my fiancé's trousers in the wash, I quickly checked
the pockets and found a £10 note, and she said, "When you're married
that's the only way you'll be worth any money, if you check his pockets"!
And I thought she was joking, but she was straight-faced. Then,
there were little jabs and jibes all over the place, such as comparing
everything we were having at our wedding with hers (like, "Oh,
when we did it, I slimmed for my wedding, and I had myrtle in my bouquet,"
like I had to compete, and everything I mentioned was not good enough).
The other thing was, around this time we went to stay with my husband's
brother and his wife. While we were there some money in my purse
(about £40) went missing, and it was found out to be my BIL's stepdaughter.
Also, we had some condoms in my overnight bag, and she admitted to
putting holes through them as well!!!) From then on, my MIL
keeps mentioning this episode, and saying that she won't exclude the
stepdaughter, and mentions in front of me the incident (as she never
approved of us sleeping together before we got married) MIL
keeps on saying it as if, had I not had them with me, it wouldn't
have been done, not that the stepdaughter was in any way wrong for
what she did (though she never repaid us).
But I thought it was just me getting used to the family, and I didn't
want to say too much. It got worse after we got married.
And she always has to win, especially as my BIL and his wife never
say anything to her. But she's always comparing us to them.
Like when we got married, I had to sit through 4 hours of their wedding
video, and then she said she wanted to treat us the same as far as
wedding gifts went. She gave us less than £1000 for some furniture
and bought the bridesmaids some small silver necklaces. Then,
at Christmas, I heard her laughing with my BIL's wife saying how lucky
she was to have "got away" with what she gave to us. Apparently
she had given them six times as much as she had given us for furniture,
paid for their reception (we paid for all of our wedding, though with
a little help from my parents) and she bought porcelain dolls for
her bridesmaids (she had nine). I don't want to sound ungrateful,
because I'm not. I just don't think she should harp on about
fairness when there obviously was no fairness.
The situation is getting unbearable now. She often cancels plans
she has made with us to see my BIL and his family right up to the
point of us actually turning up on her doorstep, having driven the
40 miles, ready for a day out, only to see her getting into THEIR
car with no explanation other than, "The family have come to see me.
I'm going to stay with them for a week "!!! Like we're not family,
and the fact we had come to see her meant nothing.
Should I say something? I risk having a big falling out with
my husband. We've been together for 4 years, but I feel if I
don't this will keep carrying on as it will appear acceptable to her
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "British
MIL" in your response.
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Please, please help.
My MIL is a fairly OK person but she is so unhygienic. Her bathroom
doesn't look like it's been cleaned as long as she's lived in her
house (about 27 years). Only the grease and dirt is holding
her kitchen together. I'm not a snob, but we have a baby girl,
less than a year old, and I'm pregnant again. I'm frightened
that one, if not both, of us will pick up an infection whenever we
go and visit. We regularly go and stay because of my husband's
job. She is also very lazy. A few weeks ago she came to
visit us and commented on how tired I looked. She then plonked
herself on the couch and didn't move for the whole day, while I ran
around cooking, making drinks etc. She really annoys me by comparing
me and my baby to other mums and their kids. She puts me down
in a sneaky way so that if I react I look stupid, not her. What
can I do???
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "dirty
sneak" in your response.
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The last time I saw my
ex-Mother-In-Law I was living in a town called Moose Jaw Saskatchewan.
In Moose Jaw there is an anatomically correct moose on the road into
town. Well, we took them about town to show them the sights,
the last of which was the moose. My mother-in-law is all of
five foot nothing, and walked under the moose. Upon seeing the
genitals underneath she exclaimed, "Look, it is a boy moose!"
I quipped back at her, "What was your first clue ... the antlers??"
Needless to say, we had already begun the beginning of the end and
this was icing on the cake.
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Hello,
I am frazzled. I've never dealt with such a difficult person in my
life. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years
now. We're considering marriage because we are so happy together.
His Mother, my future MIL, can't stop for one second and be happy
for us. The worst thing, I'd have to say upfront, is that she
talks about me to anyone who will listen. She used to speak
to me through her other son, who has just recently died. He
was in his early 20's, and he had a heart problem. I was very
close to my boyfriend's brother. We shared a sense of humor.
I'd hoped, in this time, I could possibly bond with my MIL, and share
with her the feelings I had for her son. My boyfriend is upset
because of his brother's death, but seems to be more upset with his
mother's handling of the events since it happened. I should
also mention that my MIL has a sister who is an absolute wretch, and
can't seem to mind her own business. She has a lot to do with
the behavior of my MIL. The funeral was a week long. The
wake, funeral, and interring were all in different states. I
took off a week of work and school to be with my BF, and to grieve
myself, and also to support my MIL. I even stood up at the funeral
and said very kind words about my MIL, about the sacrifices she and
my BF had made to make a life for her dead son. I talked about
how wonderful and caring she was for him. I didn't do this to
suck up or gain favor. I did this because I really think she
gave him so much when he was alive, at the risk of taking from my
BF, the older son. My MIL divorced her husband when my BF was
about 4, I think. She raised them on her own, two boys, one
with a heart condition. I really felt like this deserves special
treatment of my MIL for a while, for me to help her mourn. Instead,
she has been ugly, mean and rude to me. She has never been nice
to me, ever, so I don't know why it would start now. We're not
talking about run of the mill angry, we're talking catty, vindictive
and personal. We both live in a city two hours away from my
MIL. My parents live in the same city she does, as well.
My BF was on the phone with her last week and said, "We're having
car problems so it may not be possible to come home. We're sorry."
Her response to this was quite rude. But the most rude thing
about it was that she said, "There's no reason for you to say 'we'.
I'm not going to see her, and I don't care if she's coming with you
or not." My MIL and her sister can't stand the fact that my
BF really doesn't like them, so they use me as a device to hurt him
for not spending every free second with him. We recently had
an opportunity to escape for the weekend on an expenses paid trip
to the Northeast. Instead of being happy for her son taking
an opportunity for some very much needed rest after his brother's
death, she was furious on the phone, screaming that he needed to come
home and visit her. She was furious that he wasn't visiting
her this specific weekend. My MIL would rather he sit with her
in misery than to try and relax and enjoy himself for a few days.
My BF is a hard worker, he's good at what he does, and he deserved
a break. She no longer cares what's best for him, it's what's
best for her. I know that she's going through a lot right now,
but she's not alone. All of her family is in the city where
she lives. She doesn't understand that my BF would rather have
some time to himself to grieve. She also thinks that I can be
deleted from the picture when she feels like it. If my MIL is
upset with anything at all, it is taken out on me. I have written
her letters, sent her cards, e-mail, etc. She thinks that I
am "faking it" and that I'm a horrible and insincere person.
How do you help someone like that? I don't know what I'm supposed
to do. If I let go, and separate from my BF when we're visiting
family, then it makes her happy but makes him miserable. They
(mil and sister) use their time alone with him to convince him of
what a horrible person I am. They told the entire family I'm
an abusive alcoholic. I don't know when I was last drunk, but
it was definitely more than 6 months ago. I'm not abusive or
alcoholic. Such notions amaze me. Nobody else in my life
thinks I'm horrible, so I have to tell myself it's my MIL who has
the problem, not me. My BF has been great throughout this whole
thing. He defends me. Me and my BF have never spoken ill
of each other to another person, EVER. You would think this
would send a message to my MIL about how much her son loves me.
She doesn't care, she never has. Every time she calls, and every
time we go home to visit, family trouble brews. My BF and I
never fight unless it's about my MIL. This is what she wants.
I cannot understand that. My parents are happily married.
My MIL resents them both for that. She insults them to my BF,
calling them "middle class" and telling my BF that I just
want to whisk him away and marry him like my mother did my father.
She excludes me from anything she can, stating that it's for "family"
only. I'm hesitant to marry into a family like this. When
I talk to my mother about it, she says that I really need to consider
this situation as a marriage factor, because it won't go away just
because we're married. My mom asks me if this is something I
want to put up with for the rest of my life. The answer is no.
But I love my BF so much. He is kind and amazingly smart.
I want nothing more than to be with him for the rest of my life.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "frazzled"
in your response.
RESPONSE: Response to "Frazzled":
Well, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am no advice
columnist, but I had a friend in a similar situation. It sounds
like you really love your BF & he feels the same way, and 3 years
is a long time to be with someone you have "history".
If it were 3 months it might be different. I worked with a woman
once who sounds like your future MIL, and finally just realized she
was toxic. YOU didn't do anything wrong. I would recommend
that you and your BF, if he is willing, go to family counseling.
Obviously, your future MIL would not want to go, and I'm sure you
wouldn't want her to come either. But even a few session with
you and your BF talking with a good family or pre-marital counselor
would really help, if he is open to it. She is probably not
going to change, but you could at least work through things enough
to make a decision about how to deal with having her in your life,
should you and your BF marry. Lots of counselors will work on
a sliding fee scale (insurance usually doesn't cover it, unfortunately).
Or, you could always try buying a good book and reading it and discussing
it with him - he sounds like a smart guy with his head screwed on
right. And, since you can't choose your family, you could possibly
find a way to deal with being with your BF long term and dealing with
your MIL and stay sane. Good luck, I'll have a good thought
for you :-) It would be a shame not to be able to stay together
just because of one nasty woman - don't let her get you down!
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My FIL had a lot of conflict
with 2 of his unmarried daughters because of the matter of his MIL,
who is my MIL's mother. They are all living in the same house
(my husband and I used to live with them). He always accused
my grandma-in-law about her cooking & cleaning stuff in the kitchen,
which is the only place grandma spent her time. She is in her
90's, but she is very healthy and smart and willing to do all the
housework that she can handle. This is the reason that all her
grandchildren stood up for her whenever my FIL accused her.
All these problems have been happening for a long time. Sometimes,
their quarrels roused the neighbors to call the police. But
once the police came, they pretended that nothing was wrong,
because they didn't want anyone to know their family problems.
My MIL and FIL were always proud of one of their daughters who had
this house that allowed them to live with grandma and the children
as well as me, DIL - seven persons together. They always presented
themselves as a very happy and harmonious family. This was exactly
what I was shown when I was their son's girlfriend. I always
visited them and had dinners with them at least 3 times a week.
My previous feeling was that they were really a very warm and sociable
family w/lots of smiling faces.
However, all of their problems are none of my business. But
the problem is that my MIL always uses me as the point to shift their
focus & problems from her beloved husband to me. For example,
I noticed that my MIL would go to their neighbor, giving them some
food and spending some time there after their quarrel stopped.
But right after, when I went out and came across their neighbor, they
would start "teaching" me how to live with my husband, and
would say a lot of things as if I had some problems. It really
upset me. Do I need to clear the air with them about this fact???
This is only one little example. I was always having to suffer
this kind of slander, from time to time, so I insisted on moving out,
even though my husband was not willing to and our finances were very
tight. But it didn't stop my MIL's practice.
Recently, my FIL quarreled seriously with his daughters again (the
same problem). My Sisters-in-law told my husband that they also
intended to move out, and said that my FIL accused them that it was
their intention to kick my husband and me out of the house, and the
next step would be on him. This is what my husband told me.
Well, my husband and I customarily visit them once a week and have
dinner with them during the weekend, since a lot of my husband's clothes
and stuff are still in the house. I found out that my MIL recently
stirred up some things, like accusing me of shrinking her son's sweater
that I didn't know how to launder, ordering my husband to sit beside
her as if he was a kid, etc. Perhaps she wanted to show me he
is "hers" and I was his "maid" only??? I don't know her intentions.
Sometimes I felt upset about these because I didn't do any of the
things that she slandered me and told others about as if I was crazy.
And, I always needed to deal with some unpredictable denials and misunderstandings
from the surrounding people who knew my MIL. And of course,
their impressions of this family are exactly the same as mine when
I was their son's girlfriend. But it's very annoying to me to
be slandered.
Please feel free to response as "being slandered". Thanks.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "being
slandered" in your response.
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Note: This
story is repeated from two weeks ago (including all responses) due
to recent receipt of a response.
I am not actually sure where to start. Please excuse if my thoughts
are a little unorganized, but I'm living in my own personal hell because
of my pseudo MIL. I say "pseudo" because I'm not married
yet. I've been with my partner for 4yrs. As I am writing
this I am shaking. I feel as though this woman is miserable
and wants everyone else to live like this. The MIL suffers from
depression. Partially I know this is a way for her to get attention.
She has not worked a day since the birth of her son (my partner),
so she has had 25 years to sit in a room by herself and think of what
is wrong with everything around her. She rarely leaves the house.
She sits in this room by herself because she and her husband rarely
say a civil word to each other, let alone sleep in the same bed (they're
not even on the same floor in the house). She doesn't speak
to any of her own family or his (ironically, she says they are horrible
to her, and she doesn't want me to go through the same thing).
She has ruined so many relationships in her own life. She also
insisted that her husband choose between her and his own brother (because
she doesn't like his wife). Can you imagine, his own flesh and
blood? She has been horrible to me behind the scenes from day
one. The first instance is that my perfume smelled and was stinking
up her car, could I please use unscented deodorant, shampoo, lotion,
detergent, conditioner, etc. ... Also, I had to sit on a towel everywhere
that she might be so I didn't transfer smell. Now, in my family
(by the way, we are far, far from perfect) you could come into my
house smelling like urine and no one would say a thing, because it
is unkind, let alone ask you to sit on a towel. I once raised
my voice at my nana 3 yrs. ago, and that is being held against me
(like she has never raised her voice to someone she loved).
So, therefore I am a horrible person. If it was not for me my
partner would have forgotten many holidays that are important to her,
or not given her a hug when she needs one, or just "listened to her".
I think she fears my involvement with her son because one day he will
leave home. Partially he stays there out of obligation and also
because he owns a business that isn't yet making enough money to carry
itself. It may well kill her if he left.
Please help. I eagerly await a response. I AM AT MY WITS
END and I don't want to explode at her. I am so tired of her
intervention. After all, she just wants her son to be happy.
She has also heard (eavesdrop) the two of us exchange words, which
now means I'm abusive. My partner is wonderful. I love
him heart and soul, but we do disagree on things and get into heated
discussions. She wonders how this could happen, "he's such a
sweet boy". I don' t want to have a bad relationship with someone
I will have to deal with the rest of my life (his mother). Doesn't
she understand he has enough love to go around?
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Pseudo
MIL Problems" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re Psuedo MIL -
You seem like a very decent person - an easy target for a MIL-to-be
like yours. How DARE she make you sit on a towel!!! It
is incredible to me that you actually did it! And where was
your partner when she degraded you this way? If I were you,
I would call her out on this. I would NOT stay where I am being
vaguely and crassly insulted; I would have said, " I like
my perfume and so does your son, but since you find it intolerable,
we'll simply have to cut the visit short," and then you and your
partner LEAVE. A united front is the best barrier to these outrages!
Further, I might even consider giving her a taste of her own medicine
- the next time she is in YOUR car, make sure you have a towel handy,
and tell her that perhaps she has an infection or something, because
her body seems to be emanating a peculiar odor - then make her sit
on the towel! (Well, perhaps that would be going too far, but it's
fun to daydream . . .) MOST IMPORTANTLY - before you and hubby tie
the knot, be SURE he understands WHO he will be married to - you,
and not his mother - as your avowed husband, he will have to be on
your side if she inappropriately meddles or tries to hurt you!
RESPONSE: Response to PSEUDO MIL:
My story is very similar to your own: my fiancé and I have been
together for three years. His mother is domineering and won't
let go of her son. He has his own business which is not stable
yet ... etc.
My future MIL is also a woman who suffers from depression, does not
work and has not for several years, rarely leaves the house except
for her own interests, does not associate with people, and uses all
of her energy to stop her son from leaving her. What can I say?
I can totally relate to your feelings.
My future MIL was against our union from the start. She would
tell people right in front of me that her son would never marry because
he didn't want to "ruin his life". She claims that she has a
bad attitude about marriage because her own was so terrible.
But that's just her excuse for keeping a grip on her son. According
to her, my future FIL is stupid and lazy and doesn't care about anything,
including her. In reality, her husband is an easy-going man
who has tried to make the best of what life has dealt him. He
goes to work everyday at 4:30 a.m. to support the house that she is
living in, all the while enduring her insults and criticisms.
I think she is a spoiled brat who should be thankful that her husband
supports her financially tho she treats him like a dog.
When my fiancé announced our engagement, she actually said, "Oh, well
..." and was all depressed. Now, whenever we bring up the
wedding, she sighs, "I hope I'm not sick that day."
My fiancé still lives in his parents' home. He used to give
his whole paycheck to his mother as his share of the house expenses.
Now he puts most of his money in the bank with mine as our nest egg
for the future. When MIL found out we were planning on getting
our own home after the wedding, she flipped out. She yelled
at her son, again right in front of me, "I hope you don't get approved
by the bank! I hope you never get approved for a mortgage!
You are so stupid! You think you can support a home? You
can't!" Funny, she had no qualms about taking his money to support
her own.
Now, every day she talks about how there is not enough money to go
around. She claims that she is too sick to work. I don't
believe it, and I won't go into detail as to why I don't, just suffice
to say that I have known her for three years and I don't believe it.
When I am there she constantly talks about losing the house and being
thrown out on the street. She calls her husband lazy because
he won't get a second job. Her daughter also doesn't work.
She is in her mid-twenties, did not finish school, and NEVER held
a job. She lives with her boyfriend, but constantly goes to
her mother for money, money which used to come from my fiancé.
So now they both hate me because their gravy train is screeching to
a halt.
My future MIL says, "Oh, I guess I'll have to go DEGRADE myself and
clean other peoples' houses for extra money." She thought her
son was going to step in, appalled by the thought, and try to stop
her. But he didn't say a word. So she got scared that
she might actually have to do it, and now claims to have hurt her
back so bad she is practically a cripple. Then, she says to
me with a smile, "I guess I'm laid off for a while ..."
She hadn't even started!
She supposedly has this condition that is not very common. She
found a newspaper clipping about someone who died from this same condition
and she actually pinned it to the fridge for all to read. Can
you say, "morbid"?
She is so mean-spirited, selfish, and immature it's unbelievable.
She makes my fiancé worry that she will not be taken care of if he
leaves; that her "terrible" husband will abandon her, that she will
lose the house, that no one will care for her during one of her "attacks",
or even get her food when she can't get up off the couch. On
top of everything else, he has to worry if she is going to STARVE
to death, can you imagine???
She hates the whole world. She thinks everyone is stupid and
boorish and fake ... basically all the things that she really is.
In the three years that I have been with her son, she never once invited
my parents over to her house. Last fall, she had a birthday
party for my fiancé. She put on the spread ... I mean, she really
outdid herself. It was like a Martha Stewart party. She
only invited her own mother and her own brother. She didn't
invite anyone from her husband's side of the family. And the
worst yet, she didn't even invite my parents for a coffee. And
I am engaged to her son! My parents sent him a gift anyway,
which he received the next day. She said to me, "Oh, I was going
to send your parents a piece of cake, but I didn't know what to put
it in." What?????
This response is long, I know. But it's just the TIP of the
iceberg. There are so many other things ... so many it tires
me to think of it. But I have advice to offer. DO NOT
LOSE FAITH! DO NOT LET HER GET YOU DOWN. I used to come
home at night and cry myself to sleep. I used to doubt my relationship
with my fiancé and think, "What have I gotten myself into? I
will never loosen her grip on him." But I was pleasantly surprised.
Despite her mean interference and brainwashing, we are engaged to
be married and are actively pursuing our dream of owning our own home.
Over the years, I kept a cool head. I never spoke an ill word
to her, never. I still kiss her on the cheek when I go over
to her house, even if I see her every day. She is still the
mother of my fiancé, and I respect that. She is a hateful woman
that has hate in her heart, but she will still be the grandmother
to my children one day.
I have submitted to this website before and some people responded
that I should leave my fiancé. I would not give you the same
advice. To that, I say "Never never never." I love him
with all my heart, and am totally confident that he feels the same,
and I would never abandon that because of a meddling MIL. It's
practically a cliché that everyone has a MIL to deal with, and she
is mine. I gladly bear that cross for a life with my true love.
Whoever you are, don't give up. Persevere! The day will
come when he will "KNOW" that you are more important to him, and he
cannot live in his mother's shadow forever. It happened to me.
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Note: This
story is repeated from last week (including all responses) due to
recent receipt of a response.
My MIL isn't a horrible person. I actually liked her, and wanted
her to move in with us when my FIL passed away. I thought that
we could go shopping together, yard sales, etc. I also knew
that we would have a built-in baby sitter. I thought it was
great. She is healthy, and in her 70's.
The problem is that as the years go by (6 years now), she does less
and less to help out around the house. I work 35 hours a week,
and she does absolutely nothing all day long. She sits and watches
TV, crochets, reads, and I come home to a mess. She is a slob,
and causes me almost as much work as my grade school aged son.
There are crumbs on the counter and the floor. My house is a
mess every day. The trash is overflowing.
More than anything else, it's the little things, that annoy me.
For example ... just to test her, I deliberately left the paper towels
empty - to see if she would put up a new roll. It stayed empty
for 3 days. We always put trash, in a large trash bag, in the
can. She takes her own trash out and dumps it in the can, without
a bag. Then I have to clean it out. She takes care of
her own plate after she eats. The problem is, no matter what
we eat, she doesn't use any soap. She just rinses it.
She has her own bathroom. She never cleans it. Even my
son won't go in there. I refuse to clean it, I'm sorry.
We have 2 dogs. She won't let them out.
I can't take much more. It isn't fair. If she's going
to live here, she can at least help a little. Everyone says
to tell her what you want her to do. I shouldn't have to.
She's not a child. When she visits my sister-in-law, she leaves
her lists. When she comes home, it's not done anyway.
What's the point? Of course, like most of you, complaining to
my husband does no good. He says he understands, but doesn't
say a word.
Then, she calls relatives and tells them how busy she is. How
much she does to help me. I want to scream.
Can anyone relate to this? It's at the point after 6 years, I'm just
so annoyed, I don't want to talk to her or even see her face.
I just want her out of my house. But ... she has no where else
to go, and not enough money to live on her own. Her daughter
won't take her for any more than a visit. Why do I have to put
up with this crap? It isn't fair. I'm ready to pack my
bags and move out myself. Sometimes, I feel like a real B----.
But it's not fair.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "MIL
Hygiene" in your response.
RESPONSE: Well, this is in response to the lady who's
mother-in-law will not clean up after herself. I think that
what she needs to do is just sit her down and tell her flat out that
she should really start doing her share, and start cleaning up after
herself when she makes a mess around the house. Or, whether
she didn't make the mess herself, let her know that she should do
her part, after 6 years, and take the initiative to clean. If
I was in that kind of a situation myself, I know I would not put up
with that. I would sit her down and talk to her about it, whether
it hurts her feelings or not to hear it. But she just has to
know that she lives there too, and she needs to do her part around
the house as long as she is going to be staying there. I hope
my advise is helpful, and good luck.
RESPONSE: Response to "MIL's Hygiene:"
Is MIL clean and neat with her appearance, or are all her hygienic
tasks on the decline? You say she helps less and less - it may
be that old age is taking a heavier toll on her than you realize.
Either way, you are within your rights to talk to MIL (with hubby
AT and ON your side, of course), and tell her in a frank but sympathetic
way that you, too, are finding it harder and harder to meet the daily
demands of keeping a job and tending to a house/family, so you will
need her to contribute to the purchase of a dishwasher, or to hire
a cleaning service to come in every couple of weeks, to make up for
her inability to keep up with her own housekeeping. Of course,
you may still have to clean up her crumbs, but at least the bathroom
will be clean. You may still have to pick up her mess, but at
least you won't have to mop floors! Also, if a dishwasher is
out, perhaps you and your family should try paper ware a few nights
a week, at least on days that you work. You're right, it's not
fair, but that fact isn't going to change things - you have to!
RESPONSE: Thanks for the responses to "MIL Hygiene".
To both of you. We have both talked to her before and it does
no good. The next day, she'll do one thing and that's the end
of it. My husband told me this one, the other day ... I was
at work. He was going out for about an hour. As he was
leaving, she grabbed the vacuum and took it to her room. When
he came back, he saw her through the window, sitting in her chair.
The vacuum in the same spot. As he hit the door, she jumped
up, started the vacuum, let in run for 30 seconds and turned it off.
She was putting it away, holding her back, like she was exhausted.
He deliberately walked by her room and saw absolutely no vacuum marks.
She never moved it.
As for her age catching up with her. Anyone who can get on her
3-wheel bike and ride 2 1/2 miles to the store, and be back within
an hour, is just fine. She's a lazy, scheming, old lady.
Does she think we're stupid? She'll make her own lunch, rinse
a few dishes, and she does her own laundry. That's it for helping
around the house. Why pay for a maid? I'm the maid. I'm
changing my name to Hazel.
RESPONSE: Reference MIL Hygiene
I wonder if your MIL is going through a mental decline. My mother
has been in a decline for years, and would do things like that - then
be completely oblivious, or defensive, or make up some story about
it (like describing how much she "helps". You want to wring
her neck.)
You can't make a determination of your MIL's mental health by how
physically capable she still is. Does your husband notice anything
different (could he be in denial?) or was she ALWAYS such a lousy
housekeeper? You've only had the last six years to observe.
Try and find out more about her history and see if there are any radical
changes. If there aren't, she's just a slob. Nothing you
can do to change her now. Otherwise, it might give you something
to ponder about her mental state.
My advice would be to arrange for her to have a complete neurological
evaluation. We would take my mother once a year starting when
she was in her 70's (now she's 90 and in a nursing home), and they
would track her decline (also helpful in ruling out Alzheimer's, in
our case - her decline was too slow, but it WAS measurable.)
And a physical exam can't hurt. At the very least, you can use
both as a baseline for comparison as the years go by.
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My husband and I have been
married almost two years now. My MIL is what you would call
two-faced. She never really liked me too much when her son and
I were dating because I was three years younger and of a different
religion. When we dated, his mom made him pay rent at home because
he didn't go to church, which she blamed on me and on our dating.
My MIL called him the bad son for not following "his" dreams which
were actually hers. His brother had a very religious wedding,
and she always said that at least one of her sons made her proud.
When we got married I told him we could have whatever he wanted.
We had a beautiful garden wedding that was wonderful, but she said
it was nice, and then talked about how she was ashamed of it behind
our backs. My husband and I decided to move to a new state.
My MIL says she cries that we live so far away, but she has called
twice in 8 months to tell us about how proud she is of her other son.
My husband just started at a new job making a very good living, and
now my MIL complains how they are unhappy and are tired of being poor.
She told my husband to find his dad a good paying job. To my
MIL, my husband is the reason she is unhappy. She also says
that the family cries all the time because my husband quit going to
church. My husband and I have been nothing but kind, and biting
our tongues when she says how we hurt her and the rest of the family.
Our first child, her second grandchild, is due in May, and she hasn't
called or nothing to see how things are going. When her other
son, my BIL, was having a baby she would let us know how they were
doing and brag. Which is what she was supposed to do, but she
should do so with all the grandkids. My MIL drove 5 hours to
see my brother-in-law's baby, but when we asked her to make a 3 hour
trip when our baby was born she said she would try to make it.
My husband and I want to tell her off sometimes but only bite our
tongues. I don't think we can bite any harder. Feel free
to respond.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "two-faced
MIL" in your response.
RESPONSE: Dear Two Faced MIL:
I know exactly how it is to be in your situation. I've been
with my BF for a few years, and we've talked about marriage, but we
agree we're too young for such a decision. My BF's mother is
afraid of us getting married, not that we hear that directly, it's
always through the grapevine. Her younger son was not yet 20
when he decided to marry the girl he'd known for just a few months.
Half of the time they were in separate states. She couldn't
have been more thrilled at this union. I think it's sick.
On Thanksgiving, I saw a note on the desk in the guest room with a
picture of me attached to it. It said that my BF just isn't
happy with me, but that my BIL and his girlfriend are made for each
other. The reason she says we're "unhappy" is that
we spend all of our time together and not with her. She claims
that this is not "normal" to spend so much time away from
your mother. My BF is in his mid twenties.!!!! We live in different
cities. The point is that she releases all this information
through a "note" carefully left where someone might see
it. So, if I happened to notice the note then I was snooping.
My picture was attached to it! How conniving. I cannot
believe that woman. She will smear my name and reputation to
anyone who will listen. She does this to anyone! My MIL's
youngest brother is the black sheep of the family, and any time his
name is mentioned she has something nasty to say. I talked to
him at a recent family event and he told me that my MIL called him
to say I was a horrible person. Then we compared notes about
what she'd told us about the other. The scary thing is that
I could probably have a similar conversation with any other member
of the family. Some people have too much time on their hands
... Good luck to you!
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Working Women Don't Have Wives