My boyfriend and I aren't
married yet, but the wedding is fast approaching. Even though
we are about to be married, my future mother-in-law feels the need
to restrict how often we see each other. After we get out of
school for the summer, according to her, we are only allowed to see
each other once a week ... twice on special occasions. Her reasoning
is that she doesn't want us to get "too serious". Umm ...
we are getting married! Last I checked, that was pretty serious.
Heaven forbid he and I exchange a little kiss! That would probably
send her into seizures.
Well, I guess everyone
thinks they have the best mother in the world. Well, I will
have to agree, I feel the same way. Although I have to disagree
when they say that they have the worst mother-in-law in the world.
I have a great MIL. When I was getting ready to have my first
child, there was a disappointment as to who would be in the delivery
room for the birth. My husband would be there, of course, but
there was the question of who the second person would be. My
mother or MIL? Well, most women would want their mother to be
present for the birth of their child. However, my mother had
already seen her first grandchild being born. I still wanted
my mother, even though this would be my MIL's first grandchild.
The conflict of picking between the two was wearing me down, so I
decided to talk to my MIL and explain the situation. As could
be expected, she was very hurt, but understood that I needed my mother
for the comfort, and because I am the only girl in my family.
She understood, because she has two daughters of her own and could
be with them. Well, since she was so very understanding, I talked
to the hospital staff, and in the end, my MIL was able to be there
for the arrival of my son. There are times that me and my MIL
don't always agree, but we talk though the rough times and are happy
for all the many great times. As a matter of fact, we are so
close that sometimes people think I'm her daughter because we do so
much together. So, to all those women who give MIL's a bad name
... keep in mind there are one's like mine who make up the difference.
I thank God that she is the one in my life and my children's life.
I can only pray that when my son gets married that I can be a good
MIL like my MIL.
Dear Fellow Sufferers:
I, too, am living the nightmare which is commonly known as the mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law enjoys manipulating and giving her opinions freely.
According to her, she is right, and whatever I do or say is wrong.
For instance, she does not understand why I use detergent and fabric
softener on my husband's underwear. She says that her "coochie"
prefers bleach, and she thinks that bleach is all I need in order
for his underwear to be clean. I've known my husband for 5 years,
and I have always seen him use fabric softener and liquid detergent
on his t-shirts and jockey shorts. There was another discussion
that we had about how my parents raised me all wrong because I was
breast fed while her children, the all-knowing geniuses that they
are, were bottled fed. Whenever she doesn't get her way, or
if she gets into an argument with me, she'll cry, and my husband comes
running to her, which annoys me since she's not a baby. I've
tried talking to my husband, but he thinks that I should deal with
it, since it's his mother. Augh! I have more stories to
share, but since I have so many of them, I don't know whether or not
I should write a book.
When my mother in law
found out my wife was pregnant, her reaction was, "Well, can
you afford that?" At the time, I was working two full time
jobs, and her daughter was a homemaker. She always worries about
money. And never stops to realize that we are adults too.
One evening, my husband
and I took my in-laws out to dinner. We were happy to be able
to do it. But, to my horror -- after my husband and I had paid
and left the tip -- his parents picked up and POCKETED!!!! our tip,
asserting that "this is too much." I even suspect his mother
of picking up another tip I tried to leave secretly when we were all
out together at another restaurant. They are righteous, churchgoing
people! Isn't that the limit?!
My MIL story takes the
cake, bakery and the baker! Where do I start? I have been
married for over seven years. My husband is my MIL's eldest
son, and he has a younger brother. We are from India, and ours
was an arranged marriage. We met quite a few times, and my MIL
and my husband (then my fiancé) came over and stayed with us for a
week. I should have had an inkling of things to come, when during
a family dinner she declared that there was no need for a honeymoon
as nobody in her family went on one! My fiancé firmly stated
that we were going on one. My MIL is a widow and was living
with my husband, who was supporting her, though she is independently
wealthy and has a regular income of her own. Here is the best
part - MY MIL LIVES WITH US AND HAS BEEN LIVING WITH US FOR THE PAST
SEVEN YEARS! So, one can imagine the daily interference and
frustration that I have to bear. She does not like any displays
of affection between my husband and I. She won't let me cook
in the kitchen. She considers the house her domain and regulates
the food, cooking, habits, etc. to suit her religious beliefs.
She opens all our letters, bills, etc. She was most offended
when I did not show her my job letter and tell her my salary.
We pay for all her needs, and she expects it as her right. She
is annoyed if my husband and I go off to our room after coming from
work, even though it may just be to change our clothes and have a
wash. She eavesdrops on our conversations, and has no qualms
about opening our handbags or briefcase. She buys my husband's
underwear, even when there is no call for her to do so! She
insists she bought it in a sale! She does not like my husband
doing any housework. To avoid disagreements with her, I let
it be. But it annoys me that I have to do all the housework
when I came from work, and hubby gets waited on hand and foot.
The thing is, she expects me to do the same for him. When I
was pregnant, she insisted that she comes with me to the hospital,
as she was lucky and could guarantee a male offspring!
I know my husband won't ask her to move out, but how could we live
peacefully together? The hurt goes too deep to be ignored.
She once pretended to have a fainting fit and collapsed. My
husband could not see thru it, and asked me to fetch water, and generally
run around her. She got her way - no confrontation! She
was extremely rude to my parents when they came for a visit.
She insisted on cooking, and rationed the portions she would serve
to my mom. I was mortified, and quite firm after that.
She makes statements like, "The husband's mother has the ultimate
right, and the girl's parents have no right to even visit their children."
She is careful to refrain from making these statements in my husband's
presence, and my telling him about it smacks of tales out of school.
Her possessiveness knows no limits, and she regularly insists that
her son adores her. We paid for her trip abroad, and all these
expenses are draining us. She expects us to act like servants
for her other son and his wife. She has conversations with my
SIL, asking what she is doing to decorate/improve her house while
adding stuff about what she is doing at HER HOUSE (our house, in other
words). She is 65+ and going strong. She has nasty comments
to make when I suffer from migraines. She has ear-marked me
for looking after her if/when she is bed-ridden. My husband
thinks I should avoid talking to her at length, and stay out of her
way. I would be a virtual prisoner in my house if I did that!
99% of our marital fights have been over my MIL, and my hubby's inability
to do anything! It is extremely hard to have fights with her
in the house, too! She has no qualms about asking what the fight
was about, too! My husband is a lovely, intelligent, generous
man. But he can't, or won't, see the spot I am in, and is helpless
to do much. My BIL and SIL do not want to do anything, and my
MIL does not want to stay with them. This time was the exception
after I put my foot down. These confrontations are emotionally
draining, and I abhor them.
I would welcome any/all suggestions, feedback, empathy, similar horror
stories! Daughters-in-law unite!
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Daughters-in-law
Unite!" in your response.
Note: This
story (and the next, they're a pair) is repeated from two weeks ago
due to recent receipt of a response (after second story).
Hi. I'm a 23 year old newlywed of a year in October. I
have a huge problem. It's my husband's mother. She has
no life, and is destroying our marriage already. My husband
and I started dating in '97 while we were in the Navy and all was
going well. Until I met his mother, she seemed nice. At
first, looks are deceiving. We never really saw her, only maybe
a couple of times a year. Well, once I first met her, she told
my husband I was too attached to him. Well, I really don't know
any of her family, anyway. She is a single mother making really
good money, and is very pushy. She is also stuck in the 70's
with the way she dresses. When it was around the wedding time
last year, my parents asked her to help out, due to the fact it's
only proper. Well, my parents and my husband and I paid for
everything. My parents have three other children after me to
plan for too. I knew she never liked me or my family.
That was fine with us, because we really didn't care either.
The day of the wedding, about 250 people were there, and guess what?
Only one person from my husband's side, his mother. No one else
came because her own family doesn't even like her. Well, before
we got married, I guess she and my husband had some agreement for
him to live with her while he goes to college. What a joke,
because she is the laziest, and the biggest slob I know. I would
work a 12 hour day, and she would wait for me to come home to make
my husband dinner, and ask where hers was. Now, remember, she
was here all day long. She also makes 3 times as much money
as me and my husband, and would not go grocery shopping. she
would wait until I went.
I really need some help. I told my husband once (and left him
once) that I can't stand her, she is too pushy and snobby and a slob.
He acted as if he didn't care, so I just ignored him. My parents
are so mad, she would even interfere in the relationship. The
lady has no friends, and I see why. I really have thought about
leaving my husband a couple of times, but I know it's not him, it's
his mother. And I don't want to put him in the middle.
She has him do all the household labor stuff just because we live
here. I'm really sick of it and she knows it. We finally
got our own place, and maybe our lives will go back to normal.
The only problem is, it's ten minutes away. I'm afraid she is
going to visit whenever she wants too. Please give me some advice.
I need it.
***Note: The next story is from the same source as this story.
Response information to follow.
Hi. This is the
second story I have written to you. I really need someone to
talk to. I have this mil who has no life and is destroying mine.
I have recently lost 45 pounds in a matter of months due to this.
Let me tell you about her. She is in her 40's and single, and
may even have a depression illness. I have been nice to this
lady only for my husband. She was brought up in a very rich
family and never had to lift a finger. She had her first son
and wasn't even married. And then she met my husband's father,
and they had my husband. The father had accepted the parenting
role for the other child even when it wasn't his. She went to
an Ivy League school, and is very successful today. She, at
first, was a nice lady, always to herself. That all changed
as soon as my husband told her he was getting married. Of course,
she didn't approve of me at all. My family are very hard workers,
and worked hard for what they got, never given anything unless they
worked for it. The mil is very overweight and complains about
it all the time, and I tried to help her out by taking her to the
gym. She never goes, and still complains, and then eats a gallon
of ice-cream. She's always in my husband's and my business.
I work while my husband goes to college, so I work about 55 hours
a week. When I come home, the house is a mess and is never clean.
She waits until I clean it or my husband cleans it. We share
a bathroom with her, and the only time the tub gets clean is when
I do it. She has these two dogs that are loud and bark at 3
in the morning, and she allows it. I really can say I hate her
so much I will leave my husband just to get away from her. The
lady doesn't do anything for herself. She asks my husband to
do it. Her own family doesn't even talk to her. She also
has no friends, and is home all day long on her fat butt doing nothing.
She is very upset we are moving out, and I can't wait. The only
thing is, we're only ten minutes away. I'm afraid she will visit
all the time.
Here is a story I will never forget. It's Christmas, and she
told me herself she was going to Ohio. So we decided to go to
Pennsylvania. She went crying to my husband that she was mad
we weren't spending the holiday with her. I told my husband,
"Oh well, she told me she was going to Ohio." She
is so dependant on my husband to do everything. She nags at
me when my husband is not home, and when I tell him he doesn't believe
me. He thinks I am trying to cause trouble with his mother.
Please, someone has to help me really soon. I am very aggravated
with her, and can't and will not tolerate it anymore.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Second
Story" in your response.
RESPONSE: This is in response to "Second Story".
I used to think that when you married, you married the whole family.
I recently remarried a wonderful man who stands by me no matter what.
He made it clear to me and his mother that he will not let her affect
his relationship with me and vice versa. He let me vent when
his mother lived with us for 6 1/2 months. We were newlyweds
and were allowed a month alone before she moved in. That 6 1/2
month period of time destroyed any chance that I will have a good
relationship with her. She is a very manipulative woman who
uses guilt to influence my husband. She had a mid six figure
balance in her account and had no money to rent an apartment for this
temporary period ... she had to horn in on our time as newlyweds!
Her husband is my husband's stepfather. He was very abusive
to my husband as a child and continues to be verbally abusive to him
as an adult, even though my husband is a lot bigger than he is.
My MIL uses this man as a cover to get what SHE really wants.
She blames him for everything, even though he is a jerk, it's not
right.
I'm glad to hear that you finally moved out and got your own place.
I think that your husband needs to hear you out and stand by your
side. After all you're the one he married. If you don't
stand up to your MIL, she'll think she can run your life forever.
If she doesn't like you, at least you'll have been honest with her.
There's always a nice way to say things instead of having a nasty
confrontation.
I tell my daughter that when she finally meets a man that she wants
to marry she should ask if his mother had passed away or lives out
of town!!! Life has enough stresses without a competing MIL!
RESPONSE: reply to second story ...
Get away from the mother in law ... If your husband has no backbone,
LEAVE him.
My MIL does the same stuff, and we lived with her for 1 and 1/2 years
because she could not pay the mortgage and was going to lose her house
(she told my husband this). She has 8 other kids that all make
six figure salaries. But us, the ones who earn a third of that,
HAVE to help her. She told us about her huge mortgage payment.
But, a while down the road I found a statement she left out saying
it was less than a third of what she told us. She had paid off
the house and took out a loan, and the payment was less than a third
of what she told us!! She lied. Not only that, she had
a multiple six figure balance in the bank, and mutual funds, and on
and on. The old lady is set. But, oh no ... we bought
ALL the groceries, and paid all utilities, even cable which we never
used. She still complained about us, and gave keys to all the
family members who would barge in anytime, day or night, they wanted,
and say I was a pig or slob, and say they didn't want to come over
to eat, I was so dirty they would get sick, e-coli or something. Well,
I am not by any means dirty. The house was a few thousand sq.
feet, and 4 bathrooms. She can clean the 3 she uses. We
were only allowed to use one of them. Well, I told my husband
we move out or divorce, and he finally agreed to move once he saw
her bank statement and realized she wasn't going to starve to death!
Now, we visit the hag and she says all this stuff to me and I get
upset. So, later I tell my husband, and he will mention it to
that sweet old hag, and she will smile sweetly and say, "really?"
or, "why would you say something like that" and on and on, like she
never said a hateful or mean thing! Best advice, steer clear
of her and say only the minimal and never tell your husband.
It works for me, but so will her funeral!
RESPONSE: "reference to second story"
My advice is move at least a 1000 miles away and tell your husband
exactly how you feel. Maybe he can transfer? If he does
not understand and chooses to take the MIL's side all the time, you
may have no choice. I have had a great deal of problems with
my husband's family. The MIL did not outright mistreat me, but
one of his half-brothers said some horrible things to me. I
dared to tell him that he was irresponsible when he failed to live
up financially to an agreement we had. I have more education
and intelligence in the tip of my little finger than he has in his
huge body. He thinks women belong in the kitchen, barefoot and
pregnant. I am happy to tell you that he is going nowhere with
his life. His comments referred to her (MIL) house and how I
was not welcome there, etc. She sat right there and did not
say a word. So did my husband, which irritated me to no end,
and still does to this day. I hate confrontation, so for a very
long time I waged a silent war. I had trouble expressing my
real feelings and thoughts to my husband and kept it all in, giving
him the silent treatment, figuring that he will get the message.
I kept telling myself that it is not my husband's fault. He
has no control over how his family is and how they choose to live.
Now my husband knows my feelings. With time and distance, he
sees his family in almost the same light as I do. He still maintains
contact with his mother. He keeps me away from them, for the
most part, but I can't help agonizing over when and how much he talks
to her and what kinds of manipulative things she is telling him.
They live in a hell-hole, and if she had her way she would have him
living right there with her. My husband is the only person in
that family (and it is big) that got an education and broke out of
the cycle of ignorance and dependency. Instead of being happy
for him, I get the feeling that she would much rather him be like
all of them. He is different, and different is not good in their
eyes - even if different means better.
My MIL is such an unpleasant
person to be around. I don't understand why she can't appreciate
what her son does for her. She never has to worry about paying
her bills, or anything, but yet she feels like she's being wronged
or something.
The day of my wedding,
which has now ended in a divorce after 15 years, while waiting in
the entry way for my bridesmaids to finish their entrance, she approached
me with a plastic horseshoe and asked that it be placed on my flowers.
I told her no. She began to explain in her English tone that
it was an English tradition, and insisted it be placed on the flowers.
Seeing I was upset, my mother stepped in and said just do it to shut
her up. I, of course, did this and proceeded down the a isle
with a silver plastic horseshoe hanging from my flowers. What
a touch!!
My Mother In law was so
upset when my wife told her we were going to move out of state.
While taking a shower one morning, I could her my wife crying on the
phone, "No, Mom, Don't Do That". I asked my wife what was the
problem. She told me that her mother was threatening to kill
herself if we moved. I took the phone and asked her what was
going on. My sweet Mother In Law said she was holding a bottle
of sleeping pills and was going to take them. I finally heard
enough, and told her to make sure she took them with milk so she would
not get a stomach ache, and I hung up. No, she didn't take them,
false alarm AGAIN.
I was married to my husband
for 18 years. I felt like I was married to my mother in law
for three hundred. She hated me, to say the least. Why,
I would still like to know. She even hired a private detective
to photograph me and my children for 2 years to try to get something
on me for my husband to leave me. Leave me, that is a joke.
He cheated on me, and then left me with 4 kids and ten dollars on
the table. I am still trying to struggle just to keep my home,
and dodge the hits from my ex who does not believe in an ex-parte.
Why would a mother want to see her son so unhappy and her grandchildren
live on the streets? I just want to know how I can feed them,
since he doesn't believe in child support. His mom said I should
sign over the custody of the kids to them, and then I can pay him
child support, and then he will give me back the kids. If I
have to live on the streets I will, because no mother in law is going
to take my kids from me. This mother's love goes far too deep.
Now I have found out they took out an accidental life insurance policy
on me. Life is a joke. Somehow, I will make it.
If I could only get on one of those game shows, like maybe "who
has the worst mother in law" I could win some money, since we
can't help the needy in our country, only give it away on TV.
We had just spent a pleasant
Christmas Eve with my in-laws -- but I think I was pushing my luck
to think we could do it again, going to their house for New Year's
Day, a week later. During that New Year's celebration, my mother-in-law
said to me, out of the blue, "You're going to have to start eating
better." I was surprised, because I grew UP with health foods,
and have always tried to put fairly nutritious food on the table for
my husband (her son). But I let it pass.
She had some eggnog that she offered to us, and I had some, but my
husband didn't want any. We didn't have as much fun together
that evening, in general, as we'd had at Christmas. We mentioned
to her that we wanted to get up early the next day and go to a store
some miles away, before the predicted snowstorm that was going to
arrive the next day. And then we said goodnight -- with relief
on my part at getting out of there!
The next morning, as we were rushing to get ready to go, the phone
rang. It was my mother-in-law. She said, to the answering
machine, "We're coming over. You didn't take home the eggnog,
and we're going to bring it over." My husband and I looked at
each other, horrified. I picked up the phone and said, "We're
here." "I thought you'd still be there," she said. "We're
coming over. You didn't take home the eggnog, and we're going
to bring it over." The thing is, there was only about a cup
of eggnog left -- the container had been small to begin with!
I tried to convince her that wasn't necessary, but she whined that,
even though I had had some, my husband hadn't had any. She said,
"We can't have it in the house." I tried to be polite about
it, but at the same time to convince her not to come over. I
think my husband's car door was frozen shut, and he'd been trying
to open it, and she insisted that they would come over and help us
with that.
Finally, to my astonishment, she said, AGAIN (after practically forcing
EGGNOG on us that we didn't want!), "You're going to have to start
eating better. You're going to have to start on flax seeds soon,
and you'll need to get a mammogram. And, I'm going to loan you
Dr. Arnot's book (about breast cancer). I was in my mid-thirties
-- but my age is a sensitive issue, because my husband is more than
a few years younger.
It was MONTHS before I could muster up the willpower to see her again.
Note: This
story is repeated from two weeks ago (including all responses) due
to recent receipt of a response.
I would like to say, first, how much this site has helped me cope
with my own MIL. The jokes help a lot, and reading the stories
helps me to realize I am not alone, and that some of you have it worse
than me. And, boy do I feel sorry for you.
I have been married almost a year. My husband and I dated for
5 yrs prior to our wedding, and up until the time we started planning
it I got along fine with MIL. But, once we started the wedding
plans in force, nothing could please this woman. She constantly
criticized everything I wanted. This was just the beginning.
At the rehearsal, she was so rude to my aunt (the woman who owned
and ran the restaurant) that she is no longer allowed to go there
(an unspoken, well known fact). At the wedding the next day,
she messed up the seating arrangements, which had to be changed last
min., then proceeded to tell the groomsmen something completely different
from what was in the program, which resulted in my own grandmother
not even being seated! My aunt had to run down the aisle, right
before my father and I came out, and take my grandmother to her seat!
It's so frustrating to watch the video and see this! She was
critical of everything at the reception, a reception which I found
to be beautiful. Ever since we got married, she is always inviting
herself over to our house. She even went through my cabinets
and refrigerator, moving things around when we had them over one night,
"Oh, I'm just trying to help you get organized!"
She frustrates me so much, and I have not said anything because I
love my husband and didn't want to hurt her feelings. But, she
called me at work (something she constantly does, even though I have
asked her not to, as I work in a very busy office) and started trying
to plan my husbands birthday, which is Easter Sunday this yr.
I politely told her that we already had plans, and she proceeds with
a blubbering guilt trip, which only made me angrier. I finally
snapped, and told her I was sick of her trying to take over our lives.
I quickly hung up. I just couldn't hold back any longer.
My husband says he wants to stay out of it, and that it's between
MIL and me. Which bothers me, because if we could stand together,
it would make me feel so much better. I love him, but not his
mother.
I am 7mths pregnant right now, and the stress is getting to me.
She told my husband she would be calling me to find out what she could
possibly have done to offend me. I have held it all in so long,
I just know I will burst and tell her off! These are only a
few of the things she has done to me. I would have to write
a book to explain all the things she has done to hurt me and my family.
She is manipulative, controlling and rude, and I can't take it anymore!
Help?!
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Pregnant
Pause" in your response.
RESPONSE: This is in response to the Pregnant Pause story.
My mother-in law acted the same way when my husband and I were getting
married. She started by being really nice about the whole thing,
saying that it was the mother-in-law's job to wear beige and shut
up. I thought that was nice, since my parents were paying for
the whole thing. But, alas, that did not last. She started
by saying that, since my parents were a lot wealthier than her and
her husband, that they should pay for everything for the wedding,
and that her and her husband would not help at all. Then, my
husband begged her to contribute something, so she said she would
host the rehearsal dinner. Meanwhile, I had just been diagnosed
with some types of learning disabilities. My husband made the
mistake of telling her, and that led to the biggest fight. It
started with questioning how I expected my husband to be able to afford
all my medications (they're only $10 dollars a month). And how,
since I came from so much money, was I going to adjust to living without
any, or at least not very much. And then, the topper on the
cake was this: She asked me how I planned on completing my college
program with all my disabilities. And she told me she didn't
think we should have this big of a wedding. Instead, she said
my parents should give us the money to use as a down payment on a
house or something, because having a big wedding like that will make
it hard to come back to reality and live a life without much money!
Then, for the rehearsal dinner, she picked the restaurant without
consulting me (I know she was paying for it, but she could have given
me a budget and let me pick a restaurant that would fit into it).
Then, she decided on the menu, knowing that I am a vegetarian, and
had only meat dishes offered. So, the night before my own wedding
I didn't even get a decent dinner. Then she wanted to invite
all her friends to it. I told her that the dinner was usually
only for the wedding party, so that they could get acquainted with
each other, and she threw a hissy fit. Anyway, I got my way
on that. But, now that the wedding is over, she is always telling
me how I'm not a good wife because I'm in school and don't want kids
'till I'm done. And how my husband shouldn't have to cook all
the time just because I'm not home. I try to get along with
her for my husband's sake. BUT I HAVE HAD IT WITH HER!!!
Help me if you can!!
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Pregnant
Pause - Responder" in your response.
RESPONSE: "Pregnant Pause - Responder"
Hi, I'm the author of "Pregnant Pause". You responded
to my story with yours, and I know how you feel! It's so hard
to deal with someone who thinks they can invade your life whenever
they want to, and ridicule you, and make you feel like you are so
beneath them! My advice, don't take it. We are all created
equal. This is in our constitution and a God given right.
MIL's, or anyone else for that matter, have no right to make us feel
like we aren't good enough! We have to stand up for ourselves
and not take this abuse anymore! Some people say we should just
grin and bear it. But, hey, you can only do that for so long,
and then you keep it bottled up inside and it effects your whole life,
health, well-being and state of mind. I hope things work out
for you, me, and all the other people who have submitted their stories
on this page! We all deserve peace in our lives!
I was staying with my
mother-in-law, actually ex now, but I was staying with her while my
(ex) was in boot camp. My boy, about a year old, was sitting
at the table in his highchair during dinner, and decided it was time
to "relieve" himself. At this, she became enraged that he would
do this at her table, and dismissed us both. Needless to say,
my stay, which was supposed to have been 2 months, lasted for 1 week.
This is about my future
in laws. I have had a good relationship with them, and hope
to continue this. I just feel that there are things that have
been said in the past regarding her son's past relationships that
are hard to forget. We do have pasts. But to hear about
them in such gross detail has left this horrible image in my head
that won't go away. I still haven't figured out why this was
even told to me. Perhaps she didn't care too much for me at
the beginning, but I know the relationship I have with her son is
fantastic. We've had our moments, but we are together and planning
on getting married sometime soon. Any suggestions on how to
get rid of these images of this completely unhealthy, sick relationship
he had would be greatly appreciated. I realize we all have pasts,
but, wow, to have images of this too is a lot!!
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Image
Problem" in your response.
RESPONSE: Image Problem: In fifteen years, after having
had three kids with this guy and gone through all the associated trials
and tribulations of married life, I seriously doubt that you will
even remember these details that now consume you. Time not only
heals all, it does a fairly good job of bulldozing over our memory.
I am "Frazzled"
from a week or two ago.
I think that therapy will help my BF. He really needs a support
system I don't know if I can give him. It emotionally drains
me every time my MIL calls him and they fight, and he wants to talk
it over with me. Another interesting situation has arisen in
the last week or so. My MIL wrote a letter to my FIL asking
for some money, and somehow mentioned that she "abhors me"
and "can't stand me at all". Now, this confuses me.
She's never said a nice word about him to me, and now she's writing
him to tell him how much she hates me? It makes no sense.
I guess she's jealous that I get along with my FIL pretty well, he's
a very nice man. She then demands that I apologize to her for
telling my FIL where she was during a wake at a funeral home.
He kept asking me where she was, so I told him. She had issues
with seeing him, it had been 20 years or so and she'd gained weight.
She once told my BF that she'd never speak to me again if I mailed
him pictures of her. But, anyway, all I did was direct him to
the room where she was, not a big deal. She says I betrayed
her because she didn't want to see him. Well, in my mind, if
she didn't want to see him, she could have left the building.
She also could have handled things herself and told him over the phone
she didn't want to see him. Instead, she writes nasty letters
and talks through my BF. Why should I apologize for simply telling
someone where she was? She wanted me to lie for her and play
a little melodramatic game. Her life is full of these.
She and her sister continue to send my BF postcards and letters saying
"We Love YOU." and then underlining the YOU so as to exclude me.
Letters and postcards used to say "love you both" or something like
that. Now, I'm not loved, whoopie ...
Anyway, my MIL told my BF to look out for his future, because he may
have problems if he stays with me, meaning he'll lose his inheritance.
I don't think my BF cares about that. He's better than that.
But, I think the worst thing that's really getting to me is that every
weekend he has to wrestle with them and give them a reason he can't
spend the weekend with them. They (my MIL and her sister) want
him to come visit all of the time, or go on trips. They say
he shouldn't travel with me but with them. That's what normal
boys do, they'll say. They also said if he had another girlfriend
who was "normal" she would encourage him to visit them.
I remind him to call them, but I would never encourage him to do something
he truly hates, visiting them. But, instead of looking for the
real reasons my BF doesn't want to visit, they peg everything on me,
every single thing he does. They told him his mind is just "macaroni"
when he's with me, and he has no control over himself. What
do I do? I can't, and won't, tell him not to visit with his
mother. It's not my job to do so. But I love him more
than anything, and it's not going to be possible for me to get along
with her. She won't reply to my emails, letters, etc.
I cannot deal with someone who is content to hate me because it solves
all of her problems. I have also looked into therapy for my
BF, and some helpful books. We're going to try that route.
I should be happy right now. I should be enjoying a relationship
with my BF. But, instead, it gets clouded with my MIL's issues
and insults. I'm so miserable. I love him. How can
I help him while helping myself?
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Still
Frazzled" in your response.
My MIL is truly a weirdo.
She acts as if she and my husband were ex-husband and wife, rather
than son and mother.
When I was getting ready for my wedding with my bridesmaids, all I
had on was a bustier with my garters, while I was flipping my hair.
She walked in and gave me the iciest stare for a really long time.
I'm serious, if looks could kill!!
Thank God she lives 500 miles away!!!
My mother in law would
call me up at home and yell, "I don't want to argue with my son, so
tell him that blah blah blah ...". So, you know what I
did? I said, "I don't want to get in the middle of this mother-son
quarrel" and attempted to give the phone to my husband.
I could hear her yelling, "No, I don't want to talk to him.
No. NO!!" but I handed it to him anyway. She hung
up on him.
She's always complaining that she should not get aggravated, since
she has very high blood pressure. But she's aggravating herself
all the time. She's killing herself -- and I guess she's killing
me in the process, too. It felt pretty good not to listen to
her screaming.
One thing, I really do appreciate my wonderful parents. They
are good people.
When I met my husband,
he was living with his parents. He was such a sweet man, I couldn't
resist him -- he's a good person, and I'd never met a man like him.
I felt happy, safe, and totally at ease with him. He was, and
is, such a kind person.
Although I worried about it for health reasons, it didn't stop me
from being happy with him: he was noticeably overweight, and had a
terrible complexion from his parents' steady diet of junk food (never
any fruit or salad, all breaded chicken patties and white bread and
stuff like that)
When we got married, we tried to be more careful with our diet.
Lots of salads, healthy stuff. My husband's face and back cleared
up, and he went from a size 38 waist to size 36, and had to get all
new pants.
So it really surprised me (when he wasn't around) when my mother-in-law
pulled me aside and told me, "I think Ed is a little overweight."
I listened. She went on, "He used to be muscular, but now he's
too heavy. Now, I know you like to cook ..."
I couldn't believe she tried to blame me for that when it was on HER
diet that he had gotten fat -- and since our marriage, he had gotten
healthier, slimmer, and just in better shape all-around! WHAT'S
UP WITH THAT????
When I was working, my
mother in law would baby-sit for our daughter. Recently, a doctor
has put her on "uppers" to help clear up some mild depression.
But, she told me clearly she didn't need it and was not going back
to see that "quack" again. So, my husband and I decided that,
if a doctor felt she needed to take medicine, maybe she should not
be watching a child, and we asked a friend of ours to watch our daughter
... When I told her, since she didn't want to follow her doctor's
orders and go to counseling, that we didn't want her watching our
daughter ... she flew into a rage, and threw a bowl of chili at me.
And she said she was not crazy ... Humm, makes one wonder, huh??
How many of you have psycho
(really) mother in laws? Well, I do. My mother in law
hates me, and she makes it very obvious. When my wife and I
were engaged to be married, my mother in law decided that my wife
was going to take nothing with her. One particular day, my wife
and I went to their house to get her year books. That was a
major problem with my mother in law. The whole time we were
looking for them she was telling us that we were not going to take
them. Well, as we were walking out with the yearbooks, her mother
yelled at me, and then punched me in the face. That doesn't
sound so bad, but you have not seen this woman, she is huge!
I know professional wrestlers who would run from her! Anyway,
this is just the tip of the iceberg! I am sure I will be writing
in again to tell you about some more of my lovely adventures with
the psychotic mother in law.
My MIL has no culture,
and is the most politically incorrect person I have ever met.
I am from Asia. Well, first she told me that she can tell what
"KIND" we are (how nice, huh?). Then she'd ask me what people
were saying every single time we walked by someone Asian. "Gee,
I thought you could tell?"
According to her, I spend too much money. I am too sensitive,
although she uses all the racial slurs. She tells me she appreciates
me, and then will accuse me of stealing and all these other horrible
things.
Well, to all you MIL's - you can defend each other all you want, but
mine is HORRIBLE. You can say, "I don't know why my daughter
in law doesn't like me." But, think hard!! You know
what you did.
My mother in law came
to the hospital after I gave birth via C-section, and told me how
hard the birth of my daughter was on her son, because he didn't get
any sleep because he "had" to be with me while I had the
surgery. Further, she told me that the reason I had a girl baby
was because I kill male sperm!!!
My mother-in-law, like
many others, has her favorite son. My husband is not the favorite.
When my husband's brother got married, he and his new wife received
a television as a wedding gift. My husband and I got nothing,
not even a card. When his brother and his wife had their baby,
she was given a shower and a big expensive gift. When it came
time for my baby shower, she called and said she was too tired to
attend, and she would get the baby a gift later. She never did.
I have finally learned to live with her ignorance, but I hate it that
she hurts my husband and my children. I'm sure I'm not the only
one that has a mother-in-law like this, but I had to get that off
of my chest
My mother-in-law has abused
several family members, including my husband. We have had a
lot to deal with with, trying to keep her out of our lives, and our
children safe. I feel they need to be protected at any measure,
for I could not live with the fact if they were hurt, and if this
cycle of verbal, physical, sexual, and emotional abuse were not ended.
I can not let it continue. I would appreciate any words of comfort
or advice, and especially prayers.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Abusive
MIL" in your response.
My story is that of a
dreaded 'mother-in law'.
My daughter-in-law is from Asia. We got along great for a while.
When she had our 1st baby ... her parents went back to their country.
I made the horrible "mistake" of saying, "Oh sweetie,
until your parents come back, I will be your mom, ok?", and she
rolled her eyes and acted horribly. Like I said something awful!
Well, to this day, almost 6 yrs later, she is still acting horribly
towards me. She hates me. What the heck??? God forgive
me, for even stating such an "awful" thing, right?
How horrible of me. To this day, she is like a stranger to me.
My son is a wuss, and will not get involved. But hey, that's
how I raised him ... to honor his wife above all others. But,
damn, this girl is irritating me to no end. What's up with this?
What the hell did I say to "hurt" her so? I remember
being pregnant myself, and put up with LOTS more, ok? From my
in-laws. It was a circus, and I withstood it. How come
she's such a little "queen"? It's caused a definite
rift between my son and myself, by the way. She's a little brat.
Her folks are multi-millionaires. Not that this matters.
But she cannot know real life. She is bleeding my son, also.
He is getting sick by her spending. auggh. I've read the
horror stories on this site and am rather defensive over the mothers-in-law,
in that the daughters are total brats, usually. I've been there,
and done that. You should all get a grip. My daughter-in-law
has NO clue as to what it's like to live a hard life. And I
pray she never does. But, darn, she's sooooo cold. Thanks
for reading my story.
I have a big problem on
my hands. After 4 years of marriage, my husband and I are still
struggling with this MIL issue. It has gotten much worse since
the birth of our daughter 9 months ago. My MIL is a very mentally
unstable woman that does not like most people. Although we used
to be good friends (co-workers) believe it or not, the moment I started
dating her son was the day she started treating me like crap.
Ever since, she has shown signs that she still does not accept our
relationship. She is very critical of my appearance, making
comments about my hair, clothes, makeup, etc., and constantly voicing
her opinions on how I should look. I guess I could take this
in the past, but recently she started making comments about my daughter
-- at 9 months old -- about her appearance!! I will not allow
my daughter to be around such negative energy. She is also very
prejudiced, and makes nasty comments about others in restaurants,
or wherever, whenever, regardless of who is around. I cannot
handle this, as I was raised not to do such mean cruel things!
Also, if we are eating in a restaurant and something does not go right
(order comes up wrong or late) she will chew the waitress out and
ruin the whole meal for everyone. We are constantly on pins
and needles around her, as you never know what will set her off.
We cannot be late 5 min. or she has a fit and bad mouths us.
Recently, I have realized that my husband is partially to blame for
this ongoing battle with his parents. Since I do not feel comfortable
telling them where to go, I expect my husband to do so ... after all,
they are his parents right?! Only recently has he realized that
he has to do this (after 4 years!). And only because things
have gotten sooo bad, and are starting to impact our daughter, even
though I have been complaining about it for 4 years! Anyway,
I am very frustrated with him for waiting so long, and very skeptical
that he will actually stand up for us from now on ... but we will
see.
Here is the straw that broke the camels back ... recently, my husband
and I got into a big argument ... he went to his parents to talk things
out (1st mistake, I know) ... anyway, they took this opportunity to
attack me as usual. A few days later they dropped off a note
to him, giving him some "tips" on how to handle me. They have
also told him he needs to "put his foot down" with me ... the
note read as follows:
-You don't need a mother to tell you what to do, you already have
one.
-As long as you continue to let this happen, she will continue to
act this way.
-She needs to exercise what her religion has taught her, to forgive
and forget, nobody's perfect.
-Having problems with her past is not an excuse. Push them aside
and get on with your life, or get help if it is needed! Don't
continue to blame your past.
I need to comment here ... I have no idea where they get off doing
this!! Besides the fact that these comments have no bearing
on our relationship (and my husband agrees), it is truly none of their
business! I feel like they are trying to pull my husband away
from his family (us) instead of encouraging him to work on his marriage.
I know by now it shouldn't surprise me when they do these things,
but it still hurts each time it happens. HELP!!
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "In-Law's
Left Note" in your response.
Thanks for the chance
to "vent". She's not a monster by any means, and sometimes
we are actually quite successful at getting along! But, as a
friend has told me, it's just by nature a difficult relationship.
When I first met her, I was delighted (I've read this in some of the
other daughter-in-law's stories, too). She just seemed so nice.
She was so friendly and welcoming. It's easy for me to forget
that she did a lot for me. She always made me feel welcome at
her house.
But, she also drives me up the wall!
I remember the first time I went to a family event -- my husband and
I rode in the back, and my FIL drove. The whole time, my MIL
was SCREAMING at him, hysterically, nonstop, at the top of her lungs,
in her singsong, childlike voice, "You're GOING too FAST. You
HAVE to slow DOWN. STOP it. I can't STAND it. You
have to slow DOWN. You HAVE to STOP. It's too DANGEROUS.
You HAVE to slow DOWN ..." It was horrifying for me (now
she still does it, but I'm used to it, screaming at her husband in
her distinctive, talking-to-a-kindergarten-class way, "DARN you, that
was SUCH a STUPID thing to do. I'm so MAD AT YOU. That
was STUPID. HOW COULD YOU???!!!")
That's one thing. Another memorable time, the sun was shining
one nice Sunday afternoon, and I was enjoying some hard-earned rest,
reading a book. All of the sudden, the phone rang. I picked
it up, and instantly regretted it -- my MIL. To my utter surprise
and astonishment, she said, "There are tornado warnings. You need
to FIND a PLACE for US to GO." (that singsong voice). We
don't live in a part of the country where tornadoes are a problem.
We've almost NEVER had a tornado here! I was stunned!
"We're COMING OVER. FIND a PLACE for US to GO." I said
a few things about how there just never ARE tornadoes around here,
so she didn't have to worry, but she knew she was right ... and kept
insisting, so I would have been utterly rude to say "no" and protect
the peace of my afternoon. Her husband got bullied into coming
with her, and he was kind of laughing about it. It took me a
while to rise to the occasion and be gracious to them. That
wasn't the last time, either!
She is a very over-the-top person, emotionally. My father has
advanced cancer. I live in a nearly constant state of sadness
and concern for him. But SHE (she's not particularly close to
my parents, although they're on friendly terms) bursts into tears
over it. It kind of makes me mad to be put in the position of
having to comfort HER over MY DAD!! And I can be happy about
something, but she just GUSHES about how WOOONNNNDERFUL it is.
Her extreme emotions just dwarf mine. I think she thinks she's
a very warm person, but behind people's backs, she's cool and evaluating.
I think a warm person is someone who genuinely has a good heart and
wishes another person well, not just someone who gushes all over them
to their face about how WONNNNDERFUL they are.
I used to invite her over for dinner, etc., but she would always push
to come earlier than I'd invited her for -- even by several hours!
I know I shouldn't let that bother me, and maybe I'm being too rigid,
but I wish she'd have a little more respect for our schedule.
I wonder if she notices she doesn't get invited much anymore -- and
that, when she insists on coming, I'm not home!!
She always complains about being bored, like she's PROUD of it.
That's something I just can't understand. My husband and I have
so much we want to do, we'd have to live five lifetimes to do it all.
I don't mean we're intensely social people, scurrying about all the
time, but in a more quiet way. Gardening, reading, making things.
I was canning some tomatoes for my mom, and she ridiculed me for wasting
my time, because it would cost less to buy them. She also ridiculed
my husband and me for the time we waste searching for things on the
computer. I feel like saying to her, "BUT WE DON'T COMPLAIN
ABOUT BEING BORED ALL THE TIME, DO WE??!!"
She used to get attention, when she was younger, for her cute face
and voluptuous figure. She seems to think she's just the most
charming person in the world. One day, a man yelled at her for
trespassing in his yard, and she told me, "Nobody has EVER talked
to ME like that before. Now, I know, people have talked to YOU
that way." I felt like she was saying that she is just SO good
with people, compared to me!! (Gee, THANKS!!)
She brags about how she's such a good judge of character (that seems
like such an arrogant thing to say), and how nice she looks.
And after we have a meal at her house, SHE talks about how good the
food was! I'm really astonished at her lack of self-consciousness.
She's hard for me to understand. I guess I struggle a lot with
self-esteem issues, but she seems so in love with herself sometimes!
Maybe that's good.
Sometimes I think it's a real tragedy for her that her son fell in
love with me -- I feel genuinely sad for her about it. We haven't
told her this (there is NOTHING to be gained by putting this in the
public knowledge!), but for reasons too complicated to go into, we
aren't planning to have children. She absolutely adores children,
and my husband is an only child. But we can't have children
just to make her happy. And, in a way, it's a blessing.
Because if we did, she'd be all over them all the time, focusing her
whole bored life on them, driving me crazy!! But I feel sad
for her sometimes, and hope that somehow, the rest of her life is
good nevertheless.
My sister-in-law is an
amazing person, and I've always thought my brother had good taste
in women for getting her to marry him. She's model-cute, and
incredibly hardworking and level-headed. She's one of those
girls who's always been popular (and you can see why). She was
a gymnastics champion in high school. All my brother's friends
wish she could be cloned so THEY could have a wife like that!
So I've always been really in awe of her, and have admired her a lot.
The only thing is, though, I think it's hard for her to have tolerance
for people who aren't like her. Who aren't just incredibly competent
and mainstream. Unfortunately, my husband and I are quiet, kind
of "alternative" people. My brother really loves us and supports
us, but she rarely misses a chance to try to "set me straight".
I find her completely charming, but I DREAD seeing her. She
complains the entire time we're together about her mother and sister,
for these picky little things like -- her sister's HOUSE isn't the
right color, or her sister has too much stuff. Or, her mother
doesn't keep house the way she "should." I feel depressed hearing
that -- I'm sure I don't wear the colors she thinks I should, or do
things the way she would, and I always sense that, after I've listened
to all these really superficial complaints about her mother and sister,
she's shoring up a bunch of complaints about me to tell them.
I REALLY get that feeling!
She's so demanding, too. She gets my mom to drive hours to help
her out, rather than finding someone close by. She doesn't "live
and let live". She really scared me at my wedding when
she told me, crossly, that I HAD to give her something to do, and
tell her all about it. We were having the tiniest, simplest
wedding. Her dominating, controlling attitude frightened me!
She did kind of apologize for that when she realized it wasn't a big,
fancy wedding.
I began to realize I really had problems with her when she snapped
at me, on the phone and in person -- talking to me like she talks
to her own mother and sister. In my family, we talk to each
other with respect -- and after she did that a few times, it really
bothered me.
Sometimes when she's bitching about her mother and sister, I feel
like asking her, "Is the color of your sister's house hurting you??"
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