This is to all of you
women who are having a problem with your mother-in-laws. If
your husbands don't want to believe you, get a recorder and record
her. If you have a video recorder, video her and present it
to him. This should make things a little better.
This is my second pregnancy,
and it has been so exciting getting ready for a new baby. But
my mil is making me so apprehensive about giving birth, because she
is trying to get more involved, and has steadily been butting in more
and more. I am getting so tired of her constant input and advice.
I am about to go nuts. I get to the point where just the smallest
thing sets me off. I am wondering if any other mothers have
advice on how to deal with in-laws who won't back off. I just
want to enjoy having my baby without her being in my shadow constantly.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Me and
My Shadow" in your response.
I should have smelled my
MIL coming! When my brother in law married his wife (they married
before my husband and I married), on the day of their wedding my future
MIL says to me, "You look more beautiful than the bride." And,
then, she complained for the entire day on how their life was ruined!
If it wasn't for my INCREDIBLE husband, I would have ran! LOL
When I married, my MIL
kept pressuring me to have a baby, saying that she would help us to
take care of it. Having a baby was out of the question for me
then, because I had just gotten a new job that required long hours,
and I wanted to enjoy married life with my husband first. Whenever
we visited my parents-in-law, my MIL would keep on bringing up the
baby topic, and even my in-law's relatives would say things like,
"you're not pregnant yet?" with a disapproving expression whenever
I went to family gatherings. Now, I'm from Taiwan, where having
babies is considered by my parent's and grandparent's generation as
the daughter-in-law's "duty", so even though I thought that
was just crap, the baby issue became a pressure for me. Then
my MIL's daughter had a baby and asked her to help take care of it.
My husband is a wonderful spouse, he loves children and his dream
is to have kids of his own, so for his sake, we planned our pregnancy
and had our darling little baby last year. My MIL takes care
of our baby and her daughter's baby while we are at work, and I help
her do the household chores, cooking, give her massages, etc. during
weekends, to give her a break, because, as any childcare provider
knows, taking care of kids is hard work. And I have to admit
that my MIL takes wonderful care of my baby. Recently, my sister-in-law
(whose daughter is two years old) said that she wanted to take my
parents-in-law on a 10-day trip to Europe, so that her mom could get
a break from taking care of the kids. My baby is going through
the stranger anxiety phase right now, and she feels most secure with
grandma, so we asked my MIL if it would be possible to postpone her
trip for a few months, just until my baby is a little older.
My MIL was nice enough, and said, "Sure, no problem," but
as soon as my SIL hears of this, she sends me an e-mail saying she
can't believe I "forbid" her mother from taking a trip; that I don't
know how tiring it is for her mother to take care of kids, and that
I should hurry up and train my five-month old.
The really unbelievable thing is, my MIL actually went to a fortune
teller to ask when I would be able to have a son! The fortune
teller said when I'm 34 years old. So, now my MIL is going to
start pressuring me again in 4 years. She's a good woman, really,
I just wish she would respect my decisions more.
My Mother-In-Law has the
habit of only calling when it is a good time for her. She doesn't
call to check-up on her son or granddaughter, she only calls to remind
us of her birthday and when she needs money. I've told my husband
plenty of times, and he just says he's already used to it. Well,
I'm not! It used to be that she loved me and I was like the
perfect daughter-in-law, but from what she says, I'm just lazy and
worthless. Who needs her anyway? I can't be the nice and
quiet one anymore.
I can not do anything right
in the eyes of my overly critical Mother-in-law, who is still struggling
(after almost 3 years) so that her youngest (and favorite) son is
grown and married. She always gives me the feeling (with subtle
comments of course) that I'm not good enough for her son, and she
makes me feel like an outsider in her family. A couple examples:
before we were married, my husband and I would visit them when we
could, and after about the second visit she made a comment to me that,
in her day, "a woman was considered 'loose' if she slept with
a man before marriage." Obviously, she was unhappy that he and
I (in our early twenties at the time) were sharing a room at their
home. I was so insulted that she basically was calling me a
whore!
On our wedding day, she told my husband that she was so sad because
she was losing him to another woman!
She cried for an entire weekend around Mothers Day a few years ago,
and called my husband to say how sad she was that their family is,
"just so different now," and that she wishes things were, "like
they used to be." This, of course, has totally made me feel
like an outsider in their family!
And these are just a FEW examples! I'm sure that others can
relate to the kinds of awful things my mother-in-law says and does
to me. I enjoy reading stories from others as well, so I know
I am not the only one with a mother-in-law from Hell!
I've just read the story
about the in-laws who wanted to take their infant grandchild to a
family reunion. I think I may be related to these people, LOL.
My husband and I had been living in Europe for several years, due
to his work, and our first child was born there. As we were
starting to get our papers, etc., in order to return to our home country,
my MIL, FIL and SIL decided to stop by for a very short visit (from
across the Atlantic Ocean). It's important to mention that,
upon hearing about their impending visit, I went through our photo
album with our then three year old, only to realize that she had not
seen her relatives often enough to recognize them from their photos.
I coached her daily in order to avoid hurting their feelings when
they saw their grandchild/niece. That part paid off, and they
still don't know that I went to the effort. At the end of their
visit, they took my husband aside and told him that they wanted to
take our daughter home to Canada with them until we returned (to Canada).
Here's the interesting part. They knew that we wouldn't be moving
back for over three months, since my husband was contracted to work
until then. Here's the icing on the cake. Everyone in
the household worked full time (not shifts so they might be able to
cover each other, but days) and they couldn't have had enough vacation
time to cover even half of that more than 3 months, even if they took
turns using all of their vacation time to stay home and care for our
daughter. I'm glad that my husband had enough sense to refuse
their request. If he had not, then I most certainly would have.
The in-laws never did say who would have been looking after our child
for those months if we had agreed to let her go. It makes you
wonder what goes on in their minds, doesn't it? This is only
one of many painful yet entertaining anecdotes I could tell.
You can sign me been there, done that and "bought the T-shirt"
I can commiserate with
several of the experiences I have read on this web site. My
challenging relationship isn't with my MIL, but with my step-MIL.
She is constantly in crisis, a hypochondriac, and bullies my FIL around.
What I really wanted to say was that I think that I have come up with
a unique strategy for dealing with this that REALLY works for me.
When she goes on a tirade, I consistently sympathize, sometimes in
an exaggerated fashion. I react positively, and smile, smile,
smile. My strategy is to deflate her with my imperviousness
to her provocations. I usually succeed in confusing her, as
I am not responding in a defensive way, as everyone else does!
If I quit playing the game, she usually loses all interest in complaining
to me. The best aspect of this is that she is usually much more
pleasant with me in future confrontations! Don't get me wrong.
It's very difficult, at times, to behave this way, and put on an act
consistently. Sometimes, my horror and disgust can get the better
of me, and I just ignore her, or shut down. But, I have found
that killing her with kindness is my best revenge ever.
Get this! When our
latest child was only two months old, my mother-in-law told us about
their family reunion that was taking place in another state.
I told her that, since my husband and I are full time college students,
we would not be able to attend. She then had the nerve to suggest
(ever so sweetly), "Oh, that's okay, dear. I'll just take her
myself." My spineless husband piped up, "I don't know, mom.
It's okay with me if it's okay with her." Needless to say,
the baby did not go, and there has been a lot of inter-family stress
since.
My wedding day my mother
in law bought me a gift. I was surprised when I opened the gift
that it was used pots and pans. And, when I asked her about
it, all she said was, "I bought them brand new, but when I got
home home I tested them for you to make sure they were safe."
Note: This
story is repeated from three weeks ago (including all responses) due
to recent receipt of a response.
I would like to say, first, how much this site has helped me cope
with my own MIL. The jokes help a lot, and reading the stories
helps me to realize I am not alone, and that some of you have it worse
than me. And, boy do I feel sorry for you.
I have been married almost a year. My husband and I dated for
5 yrs prior to our wedding, and up until the time we started planning
it I got along fine with MIL. But, once we started the wedding
plans in force, nothing could please this woman. She constantly
criticized everything I wanted. This was just the beginning.
At the rehearsal, she was so rude to my aunt (the woman who owned
and ran the restaurant) that she is no longer allowed to go there
(an unspoken, well known fact). At the wedding the next day,
she messed up the seating arrangements, which had to be changed last
min., then proceeded to tell the groomsmen something completely different
from what was in the program, which resulted in my own grandmother
not even being seated! My aunt had to run down the aisle, right
before my father and I came out, and take my grandmother to her seat!
It's so frustrating to watch the video and see this! She was
critical of everything at the reception, a reception which I found
to be beautiful. Ever since we got married, she is always inviting
herself over to our house. She even went through my cabinets
and refrigerator, moving things around when we had them over one night,
"Oh, I'm just trying to help you get organized!"
She frustrates me so much, and I have not said anything because I
love my husband and didn't want to hurt her feelings. But, she
called me at work (something she constantly does, even though I have
asked her not to, as I work in a very busy office) and started trying
to plan my husbands birthday, which is Easter Sunday this yr.
I politely told her that we already had plans, and she proceeds with
a blubbering guilt trip, which only made me angrier. I finally
snapped, and told her I was sick of her trying to take over our lives.
I quickly hung up. I just couldn't hold back any longer.
My husband says he wants to stay out of it, and that it's between
MIL and me. Which bothers me, because if we could stand together,
it would make me feel so much better. I love him, but not his
mother.
I am 7mths pregnant right now, and the stress is getting to me.
She told my husband she would be calling me to find out what she could
possibly have done to offend me. I have held it all in so long,
I just know I will burst and tell her off! These are only a
few of the things she has done to me. I would have to write
a book to explain all the things she has done to hurt me and my family.
She is manipulative, controlling and rude, and I can't take it anymore!
Help?!
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Pregnant
Pause" in your response.
RESPONSE: This is in response to the Pregnant Pause story.
My mother-in law acted the same way when my husband and I were getting
married. She started by being really nice about the whole thing,
saying that it was the mother-in-law's job to wear beige and shut
up. I thought that was nice, since my parents were paying for
the whole thing. But, alas, that did not last. She started
by saying that, since my parents were a lot wealthier than her and
her husband, that they should pay for everything for the wedding,
and that her and her husband would not help at all. Then, my
husband begged her to contribute something, so she said she would
host the rehearsal dinner. Meanwhile, I had just been diagnosed
with some types of learning disabilities. My husband made the
mistake of telling her, and that led to the biggest fight. It
started with questioning how I expected my husband to be able to afford
all my medications (they're only $10 dollars a month). And how,
since I came from so much money, was I going to adjust to living without
any, or at least not very much. And then, the topper on the
cake was this: She asked me how I planned on completing my college
program with all my disabilities. And she told me she didn't
think we should have this big of a wedding. Instead, she said
my parents should give us the money to use as a down payment on a
house or something, because having a big wedding like that will make
it hard to come back to reality and live a life without much money!
Then, for the rehearsal dinner, she picked the restaurant without
consulting me (I know she was paying for it, but she could have given
me a budget and let me pick a restaurant that would fit into it).
Then, she decided on the menu, knowing that I am a vegetarian, and
had only meat dishes offered. So, the night before my own wedding
I didn't even get a decent dinner. Then she wanted to invite
all her friends to it. I told her that the dinner was usually
only for the wedding party, so that they could get acquainted with
each other, and she threw a hissy fit. Anyway, I got my way
on that. But, now that the wedding is over, she is always telling
me how I'm not a good wife because I'm in school and don't want kids
'till I'm done. And how my husband shouldn't have to cook all
the time just because I'm not home. I try to get along with
her for my husband's sake. BUT I HAVE HAD IT WITH HER!!!
Help me if you can!!
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Pregnant
Pause - Responder" in your response.
RESPONSE: "Pregnant Pause - Responder"
Hi, I'm the author of "Pregnant Pause". You responded
to my story with yours, and I know how you feel! It's so hard
to deal with someone who thinks they can invade your life whenever
they want to, and ridicule you, and make you feel like you are so
beneath them! My advice, don't take it. We are all created
equal. This is in our constitution and a God given right.
MIL's, or anyone else for that matter, have no right to make us feel
like we aren't good enough! We have to stand up for ourselves
and not take this abuse anymore! Some people say we should just
grin and bear it. But, hey, you can only do that for so long,
and then you keep it bottled up inside and it effects your whole life,
health, well-being and state of mind. I hope things work out
for you, me, and all the other people who have submitted their stories
on this page! We all deserve peace in our lives!
RESPONSE: Re: Pregnant Pause
I'm sorry to inform you, but it will get worse when the baby arrives.
You think she's a controlling bitch NOW!? Just wait! Take
it from a veteran MIL survivor - batten down the hatches!
Note: This
story is repeated from two weeks ago due to recent receipt of a response.
My MIL story takes the cake, bakery and the baker! Where do
I start? I have been married for over seven years. My
husband is my MIL's eldest son, and he has a younger brother.
We are from India, and ours was an arranged marriage. We met
quite a few times, and my MIL and my husband (then my fiancé) came
over and stayed with us for a week. I should have had an inkling
of things to come, when during a family dinner she declared that there
was no need for a honeymoon as nobody in her family went on one!
My fiancé firmly stated that we were going on one. My MIL is
a widow and was living with my husband, who was supporting her, though
she is independently wealthy and has a regular income of her own.
Here is the best part - MY MIL LIVES WITH US AND HAS BEEN LIVING WITH
US FOR THE PAST SEVEN YEARS! So, one can imagine the daily interference
and frustration that I have to bear. She does not like any displays
of affection between my husband and I. She won't let me cook
in the kitchen. She considers the house her domain and regulates
the food, cooking, habits, etc. to suit her religious beliefs.
She opens all our letters, bills, etc. She was most offended
when I did not show her my job letter and tell her my salary.
We pay for all her needs, and she expects it as her right. She
is annoyed if my husband and I go off to our room after coming from
work, even though it may just be to change our clothes and have a
wash. She eavesdrops on our conversations, and has no qualms
about opening our handbags or briefcase. She buys my husband's
underwear, even when there is no call for her to do so! She
insists she bought it in a sale! She does not like my husband
doing any housework. To avoid disagreements with her, I let
it be. But it annoys me that I have to do all the housework
when I came from work, and hubby gets waited on hand and foot.
The thing is, she expects me to do the same for him. When I
was pregnant, she insisted that she comes with me to the hospital,
as she was lucky and could guarantee a male offspring!
I know my husband won't ask her to move out, but how could we live
peacefully together? The hurt goes too deep to be ignored.
She once pretended to have a fainting fit and collapsed. My
husband could not see thru it, and asked me to fetch water, and generally
run around her. She got her way - no confrontation! She
was extremely rude to my parents when they came for a visit.
She insisted on cooking, and rationed the portions she would serve
to my mom. I was mortified, and quite firm after that.
She makes statements like, "The husband's mother has the ultimate
right, and the girl's parents have no right to even visit their children."
She is careful to refrain from making these statements in my husband's
presence, and my telling him about it smacks of tales out of school.
Her possessiveness knows no limits, and she regularly insists that
her son adores her. We paid for her trip abroad, and all these
expenses are draining us. She expects us to act like servants
for her other son and his wife. She has conversations with my
SIL, asking what she is doing to decorate/improve her house while
adding stuff about what she is doing at HER HOUSE (our house, in other
words). She is 65+ and going strong. She has nasty comments
to make when I suffer from migraines. She has ear-marked me
for looking after her if/when she is bed-ridden. My husband
thinks I should avoid talking to her at length, and stay out of her
way. I would be a virtual prisoner in my house if I did that!
99% of our marital fights have been over my MIL, and my hubby's inability
to do anything! It is extremely hard to have fights with her
in the house, too! She has no qualms about asking what the fight
was about, too! My husband is a lovely, intelligent, generous
man. But he can't, or won't, see the spot I am in, and is helpless
to do much. My BIL and SIL do not want to do anything, and my
MIL does not want to stay with them. This time was the exception
after I put my foot down. These confrontations are emotionally
draining, and I abhor them.
I would welcome any/all suggestions, feedback, empathy, similar horror
stories! Daughters-in-law unite!
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Daughters-in-law
Unite!" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re: Daughter-in-laws unite!
Good Gawd Girl! I thought MY life was rough. My advice:
No MERCY! Tell the old bat to kiss your *ss! Tell her
that this is YOUR house, NOT hers, and that you will cook if you want
to, clean if you want to, and serve your family as much as they want!
Tell her to mind her own FRIGGIN' business and to stop opening your
damn mail. If she comes back with something smart, then you
mention the three magic words: OLD FOLKS HOME!!!!!! BE sure
to do this out of hubby's earshot. And when she tells him, DENY
DENY DENY! Tell him, sadly, that you think she may be going
senile. I know this is a bit rough, but your story made me SO
MAD! P.S.- Rent the movie "Throw Mama From the Train"!
RESPONSE: response to "daughters-in-law unite"
I have one suggestion. Regarding the opening of your mail, rent
a mailbox at or near your local post office and keep the key on a
chain on your neck to make sure that MIL cannot steal it. Make
sure to get a very sturdy lockable file box, and a strong lock that's
difficult to pick, and put all of your "private" paperwork in it.
As an alternative to, or in addition to, the lockable box, you could
keep some of your mail in a lockable desk drawer or locker at your
workplace, if you have one. This will make it very hard for
her to get at your mail. Hang onto your keys. If you try
to hide them in the house, chances are that she'll leave nothing unturned
until she finds them.
I have been married to
my husband for 4 years, and on our wedding day I overheard my mother-in-law
tell another guest that she did not understand why her son would marry
a woman that had been married previously and already had 2 children.
This really hurt me to my heart, especially since she had been married
twice and had children from both marriages. Now, my husband
and I have a 2 year old and she treats her like a little princess,
and my mother-in-law makes a point of letting my 2 other children
know that they are not related to her and that she is not their grandmother.
I've tried talking to my husband about the favoritism, but he always
says that he doesn't notice it. I guess not, since she always
says things behind his back.
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