I may not have the worst
MIL in the world, but boy, she's not easy! When hubby's and
my daughter was born, my MIL very graciously agreed to come stay with
us to "help" us get on our feet when we brought home our precious
bundle. The first few days after giving birth, I was in a lot
of pain, and had minor complications that left me feeling very scared
and vulnerable. She was clearly irritated that I was not bubbly
and fully mobile, and kept grabbing hubby's face in her hands and
saying, "my poor son" because he had circles under his eyes, trying
to make me feel as though I was wearing him out on purpose!
When I was in the bathroom, crying and in pain, she made no bones
about rolling her eyes, and sighing big, indulgent sighs, making me
feel ashamed to be having physical postpartum problems. Just
prior to our daughter's birth, hubby had just been unexpectedly laid
off and was, of course, fatigued by the demands of being a new parent.
He, too, was not at his strongest or most confident. Though
her initial intentions in flying out to help us (generously on her
own dime) were undoubtedly very good, MIL couldn't help herself from
taking advantage of mine and hubby's vulnerability, making what should
have been the happiest week of our life a living hell! The first
night she was with us (our daughter only two days old and spending
her first night home, me in pain and unable to help hubby much), she
left us at 8pm to go to my SIL's birthday party a few blocks away,
"just for a little while." She did not return home until 2am.
We had run out of diapers and formula (my daughter was born two weeks
early, and we did not have all our supplies in place), and I desperately
needed hubby to pick up some over-the-counter aids for me as well.
We literally paced the floors waiting for her return (we'd believed
her when she said she'd be back soon, or hubby would have gone out
for these things before she left!). 5/30
I am so glad I found this
site! I actually feel somewhat lucky after reading some of these
stories. When I met my fiancé 2 years ago he was living with
his parents. Over 6 years ago they had serious financial problems
and my fiancé suggested his parents move in with him. He supported
them, and his mom took care of all the household chores (made his
bed, cooked his meals, cleaned up after him, did his laundry, etc.).
He didn't move out until three months after we were engaged (his dad
finally got a job). His mom still does his laundry, drops by
whenever she wants, and calls several times a day. My fiancé
has assured me that these actions will stop as soon as we are married.
I told him they need to stop now. He feels I am being unreasonable,
and that if I made more of an effort to spend time with his mom that
I would see she isn't meddling. Recently, I had a really bad
week at work, and asked my fiancé to take me out of town for the weekend
... just us, no phone, no pages. On our ride out of town, he
called his mom to tell her where we were going, and then called again
when we returned. When I pointed this out to him, I didn't receive
an apology, just excuses. He recently went out of town, he brought
gifts back ... one for me and one for his mom. I can't get him
to see how much he hurts me every time he chooses their needs over
mine. After 6 months of him stalling about our future, he is
still taking care of his parents finances. I told him he needed
to make a choice. I gave him his ring back and told him to look
at his priorities, and make sure that they are in line with who and
what he wants in his future. After all this time, I am not sure
who he will choose. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Should I tell his parents how much their inability to act like adults
and take care of themselves has interfered with our future?
My fiancé is not an only child, his younger brother lives his own
life with little interference from the parents. Any input would
be greatly appreciated. We have tried counseling, but my fiancé
is convinced that I'm the "broken" one, and his relationship with
his parents is normal. 5/29
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Broken
One" in your response.
RESPONSE: response to 'broken one'
Stick to your guns and accept whatever decision your ex-fiancé makes.
If he decides to continue to cling to his parents, then walk away
and don't look back, no matter how hard it is. You'll be saving
yourself a lifetime of misery and confrontations (not to mention a
lot of time typing and venting later). If I had to do it over
again, I'd choose single (until someone committed came along) and
happy over married and miserable, even though my in-law problems are
over, and things worked out with my dh. The emotional scars
from many troubled years, with them too involved in our lives, will
last a very long time. Hang in there, but definitely stick to
your own values, and you will find "marital bliss" sooner or
later. My heart goes out to you. 5/30
Note: This
story is repeated from 5/6/00 (including all responses) due to recent
receipt of a response.
My story is that of a dreaded 'mother-in law'.
My daughter-in-law is from Asia. We got along great for a while.
When she had our 1st baby ... her parents went back to their country.
I made the horrible "mistake" of saying, "Oh sweetie,
until your parents come back, I will be your mom, ok?", and she
rolled her eyes and acted horribly. Like I said something awful!
Well, to this day, almost 6 yrs later, she is still acting horribly
towards me. She hates me. What the heck??? God forgive
me, for even stating such an "awful" thing, right?
How horrible of me. To this day, she is like a stranger to me.
My son is a wuss, and will not get involved. But hey, that's
how I raised him ... to honor his wife above all others. But,
damn, this girl is irritating me to no end. What's up with this?
What the hell did I say to "hurt" her so? I remember
being pregnant myself, and put up with LOTS more, ok? From my
in-laws. It was a circus, and I withstood it. How come
she's such a little "queen"? It's caused a definite
rift between my son and myself, by the way. She's a little brat.
Her folks are multi-millionaires. Not that this matters.
But she cannot know real life. She is bleeding my son, also.
He is getting sick by her spending. auggh. I've read the
horror stories on this site and am rather defensive over the mothers-in-law,
in that the daughters are total brats, usually. I've been there,
and done that. You should all get a grip. My daughter-in-law
has NO clue as to what it's like to live a hard life. And I
pray she never does. But, darn, she's sooooo cold. Thanks
for reading my story.
RESPONSE: THIS IN RESPONSE TO THE DREADED MOTHER IN LAW:
Madam, your interference with your DIL is probably overbearing.
Your trying to be her mother is absolutely inappropriate. She
already has a mother! All she needs is to be left alone in peace.
Your son is a grown man now, and you need to let him go. If
you want your grandchildren to be happy leave your son and DIL alone.
RESPONSE: This is in response to Dreaded Mother in Law
-
You complain that your DIL is SOOO COLD, yet your entire story is
name-calling and whining! Warm? You are a martyr and use
your pity party to manipulate. Get a grip.
RESPONSE: RE: Dreaded Mother-in-law
Of course your daughter-in-law did not appreciate your suggestion
that you could be her mother as a replacement for her own. You're
not her mother, you're her mother-in-law (big difference). I
would have rolled my eyes at you, too. I don't doubt that you
meant well, and your daughter-in-law shouldn't continue to be upset
about it this long. But, did you ever stop to think that perhaps
making a remark like that may be considered extremely rude in her
culture? If you really had your act together, you would be thinking
of ways to mend your relationship with her, instead of making these
petty, picky, and very tired complaints about her because she's another
female who took your son away from you. As for your remark that
we daughters-in-law need to "get a grip" -- I think it's quite
the opposite. You MIL's need to get a grip! You need to
grow up and start accepting your daughters-in-law into your family!
The world, Ms. Mother-In-Law, does not just revolve around you!
RESPONSE: Response to dreaded MIL:
You've definitely come to the wrong place for understanding ... You
ARE overbearing, and a martyr. Go cry to someone who cares.
Your son's marriage is top priority, NOT YOU.
RESPONSE: Re "Dreaded MIL:"
Think about this - you call your own son a "wuss," and a
few words later, say he acts exactly as he was taught (to place his
wife above all others) - and all the while you are complaining about
the fact that he is loyal to his wife! Did you read your own
words? Make up your mind, mother - what is it you want from
him, anyway??? (And what kind of mother openly calls her own
son a wuss???) You say you started off great with your DIL,
but you speak about her so hatefully (that she is spoiled, too rich
for her own good - "not that that matters," you say - HA!) - did it
ever occur to you that while you may have smiled sweetly at her in
the beginning, you still didn't do a good job of hiding your very
long fangs? You contradict yourself in almost every line of
your story - how could ANYONE please you, if you are so perfectly
inconsistent, martyring, hostile and belittling, not just to your
DIL, but to your own son? You ought to consider that perhaps
YOU, and NOT your DIL, are responsible for any rift that has come
between you and your son, with your critical and bitter ways.
If you really love your son and grandchild, you'll think hard on your
own motives and actions instead of looking for someone else to blame
for any unhappiness in your life and your relationships, before you
find yourself really alone. I bet if you tried, sincerely and
from the heart, you would ALL be much happier!!! 5/30
I had the opportunity
to stay a couple months with my mother-in-law shortly after I got
married. When my mother-in-law and I would drive to the store
or some other place, she would have to point out the bank where my
husband had his savings account, and proceed to tell me how much he
had in the account. She would do this every time we went by
that bank. I never could understand why she would tell me such
personal information. I asked my own mother why she thought
my mother-in-law did this, and my mother seems to think it's because
she never had a "pot to piss in". If someone out there has an
idea why, please let me know.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Pot
to Piss In" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re "Pot to Piss In:"
Why would your MIL know how much your husband has saved, but not you,
anyway??? If that is "private" information, it should be private
from HER, not YOU!!! I'm sorry to suggest this, but you wanted
opinions: maybe she wants you to know her son tells her very "personal"
things that he does NOT tell you! I would talk to hubby about
this, not her. And I would tell him that his and your financial
affairs are no concern of his mother! 5/29
My mother in law and I
used to get along. Until I stopped being her little patsy and
started to stand up for myself. I have been married to her son
(third out of her four boys) for two and a half years, but we have
been together for a total of 6 years. Some of the things she
has done to me include:
1: Telling my husband, when we became engaged, that he needed
to move back home with her until the wedding (a year and a half away)
because it wasn't "proper" for us to be living together (but it was
fine when we weren't engaged)
2: Spending the night before our wedding trying to convince
my husband to stand me up at the alter.
3: Calling me lazy because I took a nap every day when I was
pregnant (never mind that it was under Dr.'s orders)
4: Calling me a psycho for arguing with my husband
5: Trying to rearrange my house when she stayed with us for
a week. I tried talking to her about how I felt, and she said,
"Well, I am just a perfectionist."
6: Insisted that she was coming into the delivery room with
me when I had my son (the only way I won on this one was by refusing
to tell her what hospital I was delivering in).
7: Insinuated to me that my sil (her other son's wife) wanted
me to miscarry.
8: Called asking if she and my bil (one I can't stand) could
come to my house to see the baby three weeks after delivery, and got
mad because I said no (I was recovering from a hemorrhage).
She then complained to my sil that I ruined her plans ... her, fil,
and 2 bils were going to come up, and I was supposed to cook them
dinner.
9: Got angry at Easter because I "took too long" while breastfeeding
my son.
10: Told me that, after all the money it cost her to raise my
husband, we should give her money whenever she wants it, "no questions
asked".
11: When we were in the mall eating ice-cream, she started spoon
feeding my husband, and when he became embarrassed and told her to
stop, she starting making airplane noises, saying, "Open your
mouth for the airplane, little boy." I wanted to die of
embarrassment.
12: Asked to see my stretch marks and said, "Thank God I didn't
get stretch marks like that".
13: If I screen my calls, and don't answer the phone because
it is her, she calls my father asking him if he knows where I am.
And, whenever she gets mad at me, she calls my father to complain.
14: While I was pregnant, she got mad because I didn't return
a phone call, so she called me at a quarter to midnight and rang the
phone 30 times (I have caller ID, so I know it was her).
15: Complains, "I never get to see my grandson, I've only seen
him twice." Mind you, he is only 2 months old and we live
75 miles away from her. It's not like it's a trip around the
corner to see her.
At least I am luckier than some women, though. My husband sees
what she does and takes action (it only took 5 years to get him to
cut the apron strings). She doesn't understand that we don't
go to her house very often because of how she acts. And, no
matter how many times I have tried to talk to her, the problem has
nothing to do with her, it's all me, in her opinion. In fact,
I have been told I need to grow up and stop being such a _______ (guess
what wonderful word she used). My husband doesn't even want
to deal with her anymore.
And she wonders why I won't sleep at her house when my husband is
out of town!
This rather long story was submitted by someone who has an extremely
intense dislike for her mother in law (my parents taught me it is
not nice to hate anyone, LOL) 5/28
RESPONSE: Response to "Stopped Being MIL's Patsy:"
I just want to tell you that reading the list of nasty things your
MIL has done to you made me so angry and sad for you! I, too,
have a MIL from hell, and I know how these repeated cruelties can
hurt! Bravo for you AND your hubby, that hubby has seen through
her and has come to take your side, dear! Many visits to this
website suggest to me that very few hubbies actually do stick up for
us wives - at least you have that!!! 5/29 RESPONSE: Please don't worry about your stretch
marks, they will most definitely fade, but SHE will always be ugly
on the inside! 5/29
My husband and I were eating
dinner at his parents house. She had made chicken breasts.
My husband made the remark that he'd better have two because they
were small. My mother in law replied, "That's right son.
But you must be used to small breasts by now. Just wait until
she breastfeeds!" Needless to say, I was absolutely mortified.
But, to make matters worse, my husband just laughed and blew it off.
RESPONSE: Response to Chicken Breasts -
Your story may be one of the shortest ones on the site, but it horrified
me!!!! How DARE your MIL comment on the size of one of the most
personal parts of your anatomy, your breasts!!! You realize
that, as women, our breasts are a symbol of our womanhood - men certainly
don't have them, and they are a maternal, nourishing life force!
When your MIL made that comment, she was cutting you down on more
than just the level of your "looks", she was undercutting
you as a woman. SHAME on her! AND, I would NOT let her
get away with it . . . I would tell her that her comment was absolutely
inappropriate, and that if she thinks it's rude or disrespectful for
you to point it out, that's nothing in comparison to her own rudeness
and disrespectfulness! As for hubby, ask him if he'd like it
if his FIL made a slighting comment to him about the size of his genitals!
RESPONSE: RE: Chicken Breasts
Your story is so disturbing! I'm not surprised that you didn't
say anything back to her at the time ... I would have just sat there
stunned, as though I was just run over by a bulldozer! MILs
have a real knack for catching us off-guard, don't they? What's
worse is your husband's bizarre laughter about it - as if it were
socially acceptable to say that to anyone - let alone his own wife!
If I were you, I wouldn't let that one fly. I would definitely
tell MIL (either face to face, on the phone, or in a letter) that,
if that's how she's going to conduct herself, you're not going to
associate with her anymore. Tell her how that was a very mean
and ugly thing to say to you, and that if she has negative thoughts
about you, she should keep them to herself. If she insists that
she was only kidding, I would tell her that she wouldn't appreciate
your making a joke about her fat thighs, yellow teeth or her wrinkles.
And threaten to leave your husband if he participates in any sort
of cut-down effort against you again. 5/29
I have been married for
about ten months, and I have been trying to avoid my mother-in-law
all these months. My only contact with her has been formal conversation
over the phone. She lives overseas. The few times I met
her, she was rather hostile to me. Even though she rarely does
call at home, I know she does try to manipulate my husband behind
my back. He calls her from the office, and she sends him faxes
all the time. When we were making plans as to what do with our
Christmas vacation, we decided to visit her, and then stop in London
for a few days (that would have been our belated honeymoon trip, which
she never allowed us to take right after we got married). After
she knew we were going to stop by London on our way to her, she ruined
our plans, and was able to convince my husband that we do not need
to come over for Christmas or go to London, since we are going to
go and visit my own family overseas in April anyway, and that would
be too much traveling to do. We did not end up going to visit my family
in April, because of deadlines and exams, neither did we make the
trip to London. So we never took a single moment out since I
got married. Sometimes I think the idea of me and her son traveling
together might blow her mind off. Before we got married, my
husband used to travel with her abroad. Since her husband died
eight years ago, she had managed to manipulate him and to make him
be like her husband and make plans with her. During her last
trip with my husband before we got married, she started crying and
she told him this was going to be their last trip together.
I know that she would still like him to travel with her, even while
married, which I am not very happy about. So now, when once
we talked about going to Egypt, he told me it would be nice if his
mother comes with us, since she has always wanted to visit Egypt.
Had I gotten along fine with her, I would not mind traveling with
her; but this is a woman who was very rude and insensitive to me on
many occasions, so I cannot really imagine traveling with her.
I appreciate your response. 5/22
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Travel
With MIL?" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re "Travel with MIL:"
Here's my suggestion - tell hubby you will give traveling with your
MIL one more try if he will ACTIVELY take a stand with her any time
she says or does something to hurt, offend or undermine you.
Then, HOLD him to it. She may just get the message, and consider
herself lucky to at least be allowed to travel with you. She
may go to battle with hubby if he takes a stand (having him defend
you over her may just make her crazed), and then she will not WANT
to travel with you both, anyway. The only way this can possibly
work is if hubby promises to stand by you, and sticks to it! 5/29
My story is a bit different
... I am jealous of my new sister-in-law (my brother's wife).
They got married about seven months ago, and I hate her more each
passing day. I am not sure why I feel this way, except that
I feel like she is an outsider in my family. My parents really
adore her, and sometimes I feel like they like her better than they
like me. She's very pretty, and successful, and she's been nothing
but nice to me. But every time she visits our home (I'm only
in my early 20's, so I still live at home with my parents), I feel
nauseated. I haven't reacted very well to this change in my
family life. I've been mean, belittling and hateful to my parents
for being so nice to her. I've been offensive and crude to my
brother for marrying her. And I've really been disrespectful,
sarcastic and condescending to my new sister-in-law. I slyly
cut her down as much as I can. I don't think it's wrong because
I can't help myself. Sometimes I'm shocked by the things that
come out of my mouth, but that's how I feel. My parents think
I'm immature, but my friends think it's natural to feel this way.
Who is right? Any advice would be great. 5/26
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Jealous
of SIL" in your response.
RESPONSE: This is in response to the little twit who
states that ... "And I've really been disrespectful, sarcastic
and condescending to my new sister-in-law. I slyly cut her down
as much as I can. I don't think it's wrong because I can't help
myself. Sometimes I'm shocked by the things that come out of
my mouth, but that's how I feel." YOU DON'T THINK IT'S WRONG??
Are you insane? Why would you treat a FAMILY MEMBER like this?
What kind of satisfaction do you get by making someone feel unwelcome
in your family? I can only say to you ... read some of the stories
here and get an idea of what you are doing to your sister-in-law and
your brother! IMMATURE is too nice of a word to describe your
behavior. God help YOUR future Daughter-In-Laws!
RESPONSE: "Jealous of new sister-in-law"
This is a response to the girl who wrote that she is jealous of her
new sister-in-law ... Grow up! Look, I am going through something
similar right now with my future in laws. What you need to realize
is that your brother has a wife now. Your family is growing,
and that is just the way it is. It can't be "just you guys"
forever. You said that she's been nothing but nice to you.
So, then, what's the problem? You also said that you feel like
your parents like her more than they like you. I'm sure that
isn't true. Try to look at it from their point of view.
She's new in the family, and she's important to your brother.
Your parents are just trying to make her feel like part of the family
now, because she IS part of the family. I wish my mother-in-law
would take a lesson. As I said, I am going through this very
thing right now, and believe me, it sucks. My fiancé is the
very first kid to get married in his family. His parents got
divorced when he was little, and his dad lives in another state.
So, for a long time it's been just him and his brother and sister
and mom. She loved having them all to herself. From the
time we got together, she was polite to me, but when she feels like
I'm getting in the way, she lets me know, in her own outrageously
rude way, that I am NOT family. Now he lives with me, and he
is getting married to me, and his brother and sister have also moved
out. She doesn't seem to want to accept that her kids are grown
up now, and that there will be other people in their lives from now
on. You sound just like her, only you're upset that your brother
has someone new in his life. My mother-in-law is the cause of
a lot of bad feelings between my fiancé and I, because she acts like
a child. Do you want to be the cause of that between your brother
and his wife? From what you say, it sounds like you probably
do. Anything to get him away from that "intruder", right?
Well, grow up, because it sounds like that intruder has put up with
a lot of crap from you that she doesn't deserve. And take it
from another "intruder" - she definitely doesn't deserve it.
The next time you feel like being mean to her, just remember a couple
of things -- maybe she's been nice to you up until now, but if you
keep acting like that, I guarantee she won't be nice anymore.
And, also - this woman will one day be the mother of your nieces/nephews.
RESPONSE: RESPONSE to "I am jealous of my new sister
in law."
You are so nice to bring out this question about your experience.
I'm on the opposite role of yours. I am the others' sister-in-law.
I have three sisters-in-law. They are single and older than
me. They also reacted the same way you felt. I lived together
with them for 2 years, and their parents and grandma, and of course
with my husband, who is their youngest son. This kind of tension
nearly made me crazy. Now, I've moved out for nearly 1 year.
I have a more positive vision of this kind of relationship.
I'm not angry with them.
Your friend is right. Your feeling is natural, because a lot
of people with the same role as yours have the same feeling, jealous
against their new sister-in-law. So, your feeling is very natural.
Don't worry. You just don't have a clear look at it.
While your parents condemned you as immature, in their point of view,
this is right, too. To most on-lookers, you are immature.
This is also right.
Regarding my experience, I cannot say that I am very pretty and successful.
My appearance is not very bad, and I'm confident with my own talent
and career. I never put myself up to comparisons with the others,
so that I'm happy to be myself.
My sisters-in-law have master degrees, they have very stable incomes,
and they are taller than me. But they are still jealous of me.
In the beginning, I could not figure out the problem, but only felt
strange and uneasy about what they did to me, and how they talked
to me and set me up, getting me into trouble. Because, from
my point of view, they didn't need to be jealous. They are,
to a certain degree, better than me.
The only things I know made them jealous of me are:
I only took one try to pass my driving test, but they took several.
They kept asking me about when my test was, and someone opened my
drawer and made a mess to upset me. They kept scolding their driving
teachers regarding bad teaching efforts, and tried to force me to
comment about my driving teacher. But I had nothing to say,
because I felt fine.
I found a new job without any help of the others when I moved to a
new country with them. My first job there was nearly the same
as what I'd always done in my mother country. While they (one
of them) needed to start from the lowest level of their career (but
we had totally different kinds of careers, so it's very difficult
to compare). And, perhaps they have masters degrees, and took
twice as much time as I did to find a job (I only have a BA degree).
While they always complained about their bosses and the nature of
their jobs, I didn't (because I seldom felt any problems about my
job). They always asked me about my salary and my job from week
to week. They always had some speech at home about what they
learned about my career. But what for???
Whenever I prepared gifts to my parents-in-law during festivals, b-days
or gifts to relatives whenever I visited them, they looked angrily
at me. With little respect for our interpersonal relationship,
they chose to not even pretend to be supportive.
So, to me, this is nonsense, being jealous and being attacked.
Instead, normally speaking, they have more things for me to be jealous
of. But what for???
Besides, my parent-in-law told the others how good I am, which is
also a kind of polite way to keep up our inter-personal relationship.
It didn't suggest that I was really better than all of my sisters-in-law.
To them, it would be very ugly to keep complaining in front of the
children and others. They would get the "bad-mouth" image.
So, it's very important to understand this point.
From another angle, if your parents told others that you are much
better than your sister-in-law, if your sister-in-law is being impolite
to your parents, if your sister-in-law is lazy as a pig, and totally
relied on your brother - what do you think? Will you be happier?
You will blame her for increasing the burden on your brother, and
you will blame her for being impolite to your parents and you will
be sorry to see your brother marrying such a girl. Of course,
you will feel better due to being better than her, but your family
will be in trouble and full of conflicts & arguments from time
to time. I think you'd also want to live peacefully.
So, take some time to forget all the jealousy. If the other
make comparisons between you and her, that is their problem, not yours.
Treating you well is her duty, but not a weapon. You can treat her
well too. Remember, being an open minded girl is the glory to
your parents. Be confident on yourself. You are not bad,
and, in fact, must be good in a lot of aspects.
RESPONSE: To Jealous of SIL.
I can relate to you from both sides of this. My husband has
a sister about your age, and I know it was hard for her when we got
married. I think she's a neat kid, and I looked forward to a
good friendship with her from the very beginning, so I was able to
look past the things she did for the first year or so while she got
used to the idea of her brother being married. It's one of the
adjustments we all have to make in growing up, but that doesn't make
it any easier. So, I tried to be understanding and help her
through it.
But, I can't say I really understood completely where she was coming
from until my own brother got married two years ago. I was 27
years old, but I felt like a jealous kid. All kinds of attention
on the happy couple - the new "sister", etc., etc. And, I was
supposed to be all happy about it.
Thankfully, in both cases, these relationships got easier and easier
the farther we got from the weddings and all the hoopla. My
parents have been showering my brother's wife with a lot of attention,
but when I sit and really think about it, they aren't replacing me,
they just want to make sure she feels welcome, and that is a good
thing. Family circles can expand in a loving way, even though
it can be awkward and hard at first. I have become quite close
with both of these women, and happy that they are in my family, but
it took some stepping back and thinking of them as not competition,
but as potential friends.
Your new sister in law, no matter how pretty and smart and successful,
probably has some big insecurities about fitting in with your family
(all of us do, I think), and she's probably aware that when it comes
down to the nitty gritty, your parents will always lean toward your
side of any argument. And, believe me, she will welcome any
signs of friendship from you. If you have behaved in ways that
you aren't proud of, forgive yourself, and decide that you are ready
for a new beginning. Then, take a step in getting to know her,
not just as "that bitch that married my brother", but as an individual.
I wish you well.
RESPONSE: In response to: "My story is a bit different
... I am jealous of my new sister-in-law (my brother's wife)"
Get over yourself. Your parents are right and you are wrong.
You are immature and childish. Maybe you should put yourself
in your new sister in law's place, being verbally abused by a sulky,
shoot off at the mouth in-law. I'm SURE you wouldn't like it.
In all situations, the Golden Rule applies: Treat others the way you
want to be treated.
RESPONSE: RE: Jealous of SIL
Your story conjured up images in my mind of a ditsy, air-headed teenager,
who works at the mall, listens to trendy CD's, while making idle chatter
all day long on the phone with her catty little friends about how
she hates this new intruder who took her family's attention away from
her! You know nothing of real life, little girl! You are
still living at home with your parents ... you have no true problems.
You get false pleasure from rejecting your new SIL just because you're
threatened by her. By trying to hurt your new SIL, you can feel
superior to her. Do you have any self-esteem at all? I
question whether you even have a conscience - you have no remorse
about your sharp-tongued attacks because you claim you can't help
your yourself!?!?! Your behavior is extremely infantile, and
your actions are sickening! You sound like a spoiled-rotten,
green-eyed little witch to me! Your parents need to slap your
face every time you say these offensive things. It's something
that you've probably never had happen to you, but you truly deserve!
RESPONSE: RE "Jealous of SIL" -
PLEEEAASSE read this: I can understand your FEELINGS of jealousy,
but I CANNOT understand your ACTING on them! Your brother married
a woman he loves. Your parents have opened their hearts to her
because they love him and want him to be happy in his marriage.
Your SIL married your brother because she cherishes him. Why
wouldn't you want to share all these wonderful new feelings of love
and family? I do understand that it's hard to share the attention
with a newcomer to the family. But if you don't wise up and
handle your emotions more maturely, you may find yourself on the outside
and REALLY alone. One day, they may have a child who will be
of your own flesh and blood - do you want to be the nasty, selfish,
childish, petty father's sister, or the wonderful, loving, generous,
cherished aunt? One day, you may want to marry a man who you
love, and you will want the warmth and encouragement of your brother's
respect towards both your man and you. And, how might you feel
if he can't give it to you because you could not find it in your heart
to give it to him and his wife? If you feel your parents like
your SIL better than you, do you think that behaving like a mean-spirited
troublemaker will enhance their respect for you? For your sake,
and the sake of your family, think about this before there is damage
done to your relationships that is beyond repair! 5/29
As I sit here, I am teary
eyed in disbelief that I am not alone at all. I felt like I
had a rare disease that no one had but me. After reading some
of these stories, I don't feel alone anymore. It is truly awful
the way some people are treated for no good reason, jealousy or whatever
their hang up is, or "just because". I was lied to,
treated badly, and talked about, and I acted like a wounded pup for
10 years. Then I decided enough is enough!! I had my number
changed, and stopped associating with any of them. I am not
a dog, and will not be treated that way (anymore). I was tired
of crying, and trying to figure those people out. I'm just sorry
it took me so long. I wish I would have found this site sooner.
Maybe I would have done what I did a little sooner. It took
me 10 yrs. to figure it out - that it was them, and they needed the
help, not me. I know I am somebody cause God don't make no junk.
Not that they don't still try to start trouble by word of mouth, but
I wont let them intimidate me.
I have a beautiful little
girl, and she's almost two. My MIL has been taking care of her
while I work. Every day when I get home, I have to listen to
her telling me "how to" raise my daughter, and how I shouldn't do
this or that. The other night, she really made me mad.
I turned off the dining room light (before she was ready) because
we were headed to bed. She looks at my husband, and complains
that I always do that, and of course my husband believes her.
So I'm the big villain. They are a different nationality than
me, and they make that very clear. They tell me that I should
do everything they do. Please don't let anyone treat you like
this.
I have been married about
14 months now. My problem is, my MIL making comments about the
other daughter-in-law and how wonderful she is - how she is the daughter
she never had, and wanting to spend time with her. Every time
I see her, I am reminded how wonderful she is, and how my MIL loves
her so much. I am constantly reminded of this. The girlfriend
of the other brother is turning out to be her good friend also.
I think my problem is that I exist in her world. I married the
favorite son. I took her little boy away. There have been
instances where comments have been made about what I serve for dinner,
or she arrives purposely late for dinner so that my food was cold.
I try to not react to her, but lately it has been very difficult.
I honestly don't know where I stand. It is not that I want to
spend time with her or hang out with her. I just want to be
acknowledged. My husband says that she cares about me, and that
she would do anything for us. I find my MIL very insanely controlling.
She has some hold over her boys. It is like they owe her their
lives or something. I am quickly reminded all the time that
she knows her son better than I will ever know him. She will
call and ask if "my son" is there. I do not get a
"hello" or anything. I seem to think there is some
jealousy there. I really do not like her very much. I
do not like the control she has over everyone. I really don't
know how to act around her. I really do not feel that I fit
in with her family. I know my husband loves me, and I love him,
but it is very difficult when they live so close. I honestly
feel very uncomfortable around her. I have seen her say nice
things to people to their faces, and the minute they leave, she will
stab them in the back. My MIL will give us beautiful gifts,
but I know she is knocking me down. I honestly think she doesn't
think that I am taking care of my husband or something. I do
everything for him. It is a very difficult position to be in.
RESPONSE: This is in response to: "I have been married
about 14 months now. My problem is, my MIL making comments about the
other daughter-in-law and how wonderful she is.":
Your MIL is playing spiteful mind games with you. My MIL does
the same thing to me. Her goal by playing favorites with the
other DIL, and girlfriend is to make you feel worthless. You
also said she's been criticizing your cooking - from experience and
from other stories I've heard, that's a notorious MIL tactic.
Since you married her favorite son, she is definitely jealous.
You, no doubt, feel uncomfortable around her, as that's how she wants
you to feel. Since you are forced to deal with her because you
live close by, you should try to talk to your husband about it (but
don't attack her or call her names). Just state the facts, and
tell him how her actions are making you feel uncomfortable.
If he's anything like my husband, he'll probably just make excuses
for her. But he may not be like my husband, so at least try.
I think you need to stand up for yourself more. You probably
can't get away with confronting her directly, so I would just give
her a taste of her own medicine. When she mentions her favorite
DIL, why don't you casually mention how much you love your own mother,
and that you spoil her rotten with gifts all the time? And start
finding fault with her cooking. Next time she cooks, show up
late for that. And when she acts like a two-faced backstabber,
don't let her off the hook. Put her on the defensive by asking
questions like, "Why would you say something rude like?", or "Why
does she bother you?" Then, turn around and defend the person
she's betraying. She'll get the message that you're on to her
dirty tricks.
RESPONSE: Response to "MIL making comments about
the other daughter-in-law"
I don't know if this response will help or not, but here goes.
When I was growing up, my mom resented her MIL because she would go
out of her way to do things for my grandmother, and she never seemed
to appreciate any of it. For example: If my mom spent
all day cooking for my grandmother's visit, at the end of the meal,
grandma would say, "You should taste the pies that Mary makes"
(Mary was my mom's SIL). Or if mom gave grandma a gift, she
would say, "You should see what Mary bought me". Needless
to say, they had a lot of other problems, and eventually my mom pretty
much gave up and had very little to do with her MIL, because after
most of their encounters she felt hurt and unappreciated. After
my grandmother died, my mom was talking to her SIL (a rare occasion
because grandma had caused a lot of tension between them) and they
discovered that she was doing the "you should see what she gave
me" bit to each of them. They each thought the other one
was her favorite, and she drove a wedge between them because of this.
It just makes me wonder if your MIL might be up to the same thing.
Reading all the stories
here makes me extremely grateful I didn't marry my ex-boyfriend after
all. Not having his mother as my MIL was something I could console
myself with after we broke up. The woman had some serious emotional
problems that apparently started a very long time ago. When
she married my ex's father, her priest told her God would curse her
for marrying outside her faith. Their first son died when he
was a small child, and then they had 3 daughters, followed by my ex,
the youngest. If the oldest boy dying didn't convince her the
priest was right, my ex having a birth defect did the trick.
That may have been the start of her being nuts, but it definitely
wasn't the end.
She didn't like me from the start, and kept calling me by my ex's
former girlfriend's name - even though he later told me she didn't
like her either! One time we were at her house and she needed
a light bulb changed in the kitchen. My ex got up on the ladder
and unscrewed the bulb, and I jokingly told him to stick his finger
in the socket, and I would turn on the switch to see if it worked.
We both started to laugh, but she immediately started to screech,
"Don't you harm my baby!"
Then there was Christmas. Both my family and his traditionally
exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve. But, my father had died years
ago, and since I'm an only child, my mother only had me to celebrate
with. We agreed to compromise by having dinner with my mom and
then going over to his folks house afterward. Well, you can
bet she didn't like that one little bit, even though two of his sisters
and their husbands would be there, and my mom didn't have anyone.
When he told her this, she suggested I should go to my mom's by myself
and could join them later "if I wanted to". He stood firm,
but she was determined to make me pay. When we arrived, she
made a point of handing out gifts to everyone except me. One
of his sisters had gotten me something, but I noticed MIL scowling
at me as I opened it. She even begrudged me getting ONE little
gift, even though all the ones we gave them had BOTH our names on
them!
The worst of it, though, was that she and FIL both had a drinking
problem, and after she'd had a few snorts, she'd call my ex and whine
to him about how miserable her life was. He'd try to make suggestions
about what she could do to make things better, and she'd tell him
why they wouldn't work. I must have heard them have the same
conversation hundreds of times. One day, he got so frustrated
with her that after she hung up, he threw the phone at the wall and
broke it. Yet, he wouldn't stop answering her calls!
I was really broken hearted when we split up, but I realize now it
was for the best. I ran into him about a year ago, and he'd
married and had a child. He said his dad had died, and mommy
dearest was living by herself in a huge 5 bedroom house which she
refused to sell, yet still called him to whine about how hard it was
to take care of without any help. All I could think was "There
but for the grace of God go I!"
I check this site pretty
often, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because I went through hell
with my parents-in-law, and I can understand all too well the hurt
and pain and the anguish and the sheer RAGE. My husband and
I have been married for 24 years, and dated for 4 years before that.
About the time my husband realized what his parents were doing to
me, we moved far, far away. And if they thought our moving away
would make him less apt to notice their sick and abusive ways, they
were wrong. It made it more obvious to him. It was an
accident of fate that we moved, but now, after all this time, we both
agree it was the one major event that saved our marriage.
I know a lot of people DO NOT want to hear this, but if your marriage
is that important, move. I mean, you and your spouse and your
children get the hell out of Dodge. Nothing can improve a bad
relationship with the In-laws From Hell more than physical distance.
No arguing over who is going where on holidays. No unwarranted
interference with your childrearing. Sure, the kids don't get
to know Grandma and Grandpa. But considering their lying, racist,
bigoted, small minded ways, do you really want them to? Get
caller ID for your phone. It's easier to be polite when it's
long distance.
Some relationships will never improve; some people will never accept
that you and your spouse are married and happy. Understand that
and leave it alone. Is their interference ruining your life?
Then don't let them interfere. Make it expensive for them to
interfere.
And if your spouse allows his/her family to abuse or use you, there's
not much hope for the marriage. I firmly believe this.
My personal philosophy as a parent is that if you are doing a good
job, your kids will leave you and have a life. They are born
to leave you. If nothing else, my in-laws have taught me how
NOT to behave.
Just call me, "Counting
my blessings". After reading the letters about the in-laws
from hell, I am even more thankful for my in-laws, and thought I'd
share a positive story.
When I married 10 years ago, my husband had 2 boys (grade school aged)
from a previous marriage (mom died when the oldest was 3) and his
mom and dad had been helping him out with raising the boys.
They obviously played a very pivotal role in my husband's life.
However, the day after we married, my mother-in-law informed me that
she didn't want to intrude, so she was backing out - but if I ever
needed her, to give a call.
In the last 10 years she has never said anything negative to me about
how I raise the boys, despite the fact that we differ greatly in our
child rearing practices, and she has never given any advice to me
unless I specifically asked for it. In fact, she often compliments
me on how well the boys are turning out, and tells me that it shows
that I must love them a lot.
When we visit, I always get the same warm, sincere hug and greeting
that her son and grandchildren get, and she always reminds me that
I'm welcome for a visit anytime. It wasn't a hard decision to
buy a house across the yard from her when we bought our new home 5
years ago, and I haven't regretted the decision since.
I'm taking lots of notes for when I am a mother-in-law one day.
When my BF and I were dating,
he would sometimes stay with me at my apartment. His mother
would call on the phone and say, "Let me speak to my son" --
no "hello", etc.
After dating for less than a year, we announced that we were engaged.
She was enraged when we announced our engagement. She had her
oldest son call my house and plead with my fiancé, "Are you sure
you know what you are doing?" while I'm sitting next to my fiancé.
One night, my fiancé was talking to his mother on the phone.
Apparently, he didn't hang up the phone, and she heard us saying we
weren't going to invite kids to the reception. Moments later,
we hear his mother's loud crackling voice, "HANG UP THE PHONE".
Boy, did we get a laugh that night! For revenge, she did not
attend the wedding.
While visiting my MIL, while my DH was in another room, she proceeded
to tell me about his ex-girlfriend -- hoping I would get jealous.
My MIL went on to say that his ex-girlfriend was beautiful, etc.
My MIL would often belittle me when my DH would not be in the room
(ladies does this sound familiar?).
I had taken enough of the verbal abuse, and had the courage to stand
up for myself, and told DH and MIL how I felt. I told my DH
I married him, not his MIL. My DH would say his mother would
never do such a thing.
To this day I keep distance from MIL like a long handle spoon.
This year we will be married 8 years.
Whenever we have family get-togethers, my stomach still cringes as
if I am going for a dentist appt.
If I ever remarry again, I'll make sure my DH is an orphan! 5/25
I've had some questions
sticking in my mind for 3 years. I want to get some feedback
to help figure them out.
My background is: My husband is the youngest son in his family.
He has 4 older sisters who are in their 30s and 40s. The oldest
one is married, without any kids, and the others are single.
He also has one older brother, married.
3 years ago, when I had just gotten married to their youngest brother,
we moved to a new country and lived with my parents-in-law, their
grandma, and 2 still single sisters-in-law. Once, I came back
to my motherland alone and visited the other family members.
The 4th sister-in-law told me that they (she, my brother-in-law and
his wife) tried to spy on their eldest sister (she was married) to
check out who her friends were, because she didn't spend the holiday
with her husband but with her friends, and she always told lies.
In fact, I felt strange about what they did to their oldest sister.
And, I also felt strange about how a teacher could do this type of
thing, since my sister-in-law was a high-school teacher and her brother
and his wife are all Christians. I'm Christian, too, but I could
not agree with their actions. But, it's up to them, because
this is their family way of practice and problem-solving.
But the problem is: I was living with all the other family members
in the same house since I moved to the new country with my husband.
As I mentioned, 7 persons together in the same house. It inevitably
created a lot of family conflicts. At the beginning, before
my husband and I moved in, there was the conflict between my 2nd sister-in-law
and her father (I don't want to tell their story, I respect other's
privacy), and the conflict between my 3rd sister-in-law and her mother.
The 3rd sister-in-law told me that the 2nd sister-in-law tried suicide,
and how bad their parents were, because my mother-in-law supported
my father-in-law very much even though he did many improper things
to the others. Since I was a new member of his family and they
were the only ones I knew in this new country, I trusted her and believed
it was truth.
My mother-in-law hoped that my husband and I would move in and soften
the tension in their family. But, there was another conflict
which suddenly came out between my father-in-law and me (I don't want
to tell the details, it's just too sad and too ugly to tell this family
problem). This conflict created a tension between my husband
and I as well as my mother-in-law and I. Since I felt tired
of living in this house, I asked my husband to move out. But
he refused, because he wanted to live with his parents, and also there
was the financial problem. In fact, he wanted to have support
around him, since all of his family loved him and protected him very
much. His banking account was shared with his 3rd sister and
mother. I don't know why??? But, anyway, I stopped helping
his business and started to get my own jobs. But, the real problem
came when I discovered his 3rd sister tried to spy me and treated
me the way their 4th sister had spied on their oldest sister.
I also discovered several times that my drawers were being searched.
Some of my belongings, like address books, diary & letters were
mis-located, and even out of the drawer. She also told all her
friends in the same country to run around with my husband to make
me jealous. I told my husband, and he said I was crazy, and
that I wanted to have him all alone to myself. He enjoys being
loved very much.
I lost my patience, and moved out alone. We separated for 5
months, but now we are living together in my rented apartment.
(I'm not so sure whether I will divorce him or not.) But, I
found that his 3rd sister still kept spying on me around my living
areas, because the 2nd sister-in-law told me accidentally. In
fact, I could let her be, because she could not enter my apartment,
but I felt very uncomfortable and disrespected. I can now forgive
my father-in-law and mother-in-law because they are just too old to
have some strange behaviors like the other parents-in-law did.
Now that I've moved out for 1 year, our relationship has gotten much
better. We can have very polite conversation. My husband
also treats me better than before because he's getting more understanding.
In their family, the remaining conflicts are still happening between
the 2 sisters-in-law and their father. My mother-in-law is still
supporting her husband unconditionally. But I will never trust
anyone to talk to about the others, and just keep away from all these
troubles. But his 3rd sister still gave me a lot of angry, strange
looks, sometimes at the dinner table, but when someone looked at her
she switched to a smiling face dramatically. I hate this very
much.
But sometimes, I still have questions about:
Is it right for them to spy on me?
Is it very impolite and disrespectful?
Why? They were in their 30s and 40s, highly educated w/master
degrees, but still doing this?
I can accept that my parent-in-law behave this way, because they are
not educated and old and have different social value. Could
I trust my husband forever?
Please feel free to comment w/title "Response: Questions Sticking
in Mind"
Thanks for sharing with me to release my headache.
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Questions
Sticking in Mind" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re: Questions sticking in Mind:
They are Jealous, Jealous, Jealous. Yes, the sisters are respected,
older and educated. But they are LONELY! They would trade
it all in for a chance at love. It is NOT right, no matter what
culture, to disrespect a member of the family. You need to remove
yourself from this destructive environment. You are too good
for them! - and maybe even for your husband!
RESPONSE: RE: Questions Sticking in My Mind"
I once heard the saying, "Education doesn't always make the man."
I can't recall where I heard it, but it stuck with me, because I really
believe it. My parents-in-law have PhD's, and that has never
stopped them from making racial slurs, behaving inappropriately, or
being close-minded. Some people are just so dark, you'll never
be able to reach them.
I just found this site,
and I'll be coming back. So nice to know that other people have
in-laws like mine. There's no one I can really vent to about
the whole topic. I've worn out the ears of my closest buddies
- and time with them is so rare these days - better to spend it on
happier subjects. And, of course, when DH and I talk about his
parents, which we have to do occasionally, it becomes very intense
and quite emotional.
I guess what has surprised me most about the relationship with my
in-laws is the part of my personality that it has brought out - and
let's just say it's not pretty! I have prided myself my whole
life on my ability to be flexible and get along with people.
I have pretty much always been well liked, partly because I go to
quite a lot of effort. Things were no different with these people.
I made a lot of effort, listened very intently to their stories, went
out of my way to be the perfect house guest, you know - all that stuff.
But, they always disliked me, right from the start.
I realize, now, that it is because I was taking their son away, with
every intention of us leading an independent life. We live 3
hours away - not at all the next door scenario that they always envisioned
(still too close as far as I'm concerned.)
Anyway, when we were dating and newly married, it bothered me intensely
that they did not like me, and I assumed it was something I was doing
or not doing. I tried all that much harder, making me more frustrated,
until one day I realized that I hated these people! I had never
felt such strong dislike for anyone before in my life. It was
a really new feeling, and I did not like it at all. Now, after
5 years of marriage and a list of dirty tricks from them as long as
your arm - I still hate them. And, I don't like that feeling
any better. But, at least now I realize that it is definitely
them, and not me. 5/24
My mother-in-law has done
so many things that I refuse to have anything to do with her!!
1) She told my mother on the night of my baby shower that my husband
had a child by another woman (question of paternity between him &
4 other guys, all Hispanic or Oriental, did blood test but wasn't
necessary cuz baby had dark hair & eyes, my hubby blond with hazel
eyes; all this solved before we were married). 2) Accused me
of trying to steal her other son, when all I did was invite them to
our new house for Thanksgiving Dinner along with my family (her exact
words: "You think you've stolen A. from me? Well, you're not
getting B. too!"). 3) Birth of our daughter, husband has flu,
my parents drive us home from hospital over an hour away. MIL
demands we bring newborn to her house immediately, even though it's
11 PM, & December! 4) Sent letter to us saying she refuses
to have anything to do with us until she gets apologies from two guests
at child's birthday parties for bumping into her by accident, &
apologies from us for inviting them. 5) Letters quoting Emily
Post's book of etiquette (i.e. she's right, we're wrong). Now,
she wants to resume contact with us. Husband can see her if
he wants. I won't, & won't let kids either until she gets
psychiatric help for schizophrenia!!
I have been married for
27 years. My husband and I are in our late 40's. My mother-in-law
is in her early 80's. To this day, if she calls us and we don't
answer the phone, (we have caller ID), she will get in her car and
cruise around to try and find our car. She rides around my house
daily, and any eating place that we frequent, just to see where we
are. She doesn't stop. She just rides around looking for
us. I work a part time job, and she rides around my office to
see if my car is in the parking lot, and calls to say, "Why don't
you work more? You should be trying to help with the bills".
The screen said to "enter
my story or joke here". Here's my story, and I assure you it's
no joke! How about a woman who, while you are dating her son,
always tries to fix him up with other girls? On your wedding
rehearsal evening, she runs from the church saying, "It's her or me
... choose right now"... (he did ... me). She rebelled
by wearing black slacks the next day to the wedding. This was
when black was not "cool". A couple of years later, on the day
of the birth of our first child, she ran from my l/d room into the
outside waiting room crying and screaming because we had just told
her the pains were coming too soon, we didn't want anyone else to
be back with us. OH ... it gets better!!! How about a
woman who NEVER came to any of her grandchildren's birthday celebrations
or school plays or ballgames, or bothered to buy Christmas gifts (the
kids are now college age). How about the day she told me I am
a special mother ... (wow -- my head swelled -- for about 5 seconds)
... until she finished it up with, "Not many mothers could love
and accept a kid like yours" (he has autism). Or, even
much worse ... when her son (my husband) was dying of cancer, she
accused me of trying to kill him by starving him (he was losing weight
-- imagine that!!). Or, immediately following his unsuccessful
surgery she was in the room wailing, "Only the good die young."
My husband, hooked up to the tubes, looked up to me and whispered,
"I guess that means I’m headed out of here, right?" Or,
how about the time a few months later that she assumed I was screening
the phone calls, keeping her from talking to him (he was in the bathroom
at the time) and told my pre-teen son that, the next time she phoned,
not to tell me it was her, just to go get his dad. Yes, everyone,
these are true stories. Only the tip of the iceberg … there
are many more. This is why, on my husband's deathbed, he looked
me in the eye and said, "At least you will never see or have
to deal with my mom again." He was right! 6 years
later she has never seen or contacted me or my children. Her
loss. Not ours. Wow, what a sick woman.
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