You think it's crazy -
my mother in law, when my husband and I first started courting, brought
out all the old pictures of his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend. Made
sure I knew about all of their trips, and even to the point of how
good a kisser they felt he was. When I found out I was pregnant
- she went to his ex-girlfriend and told her, and came back to me
and told me how I better stop giving his ex daggers, and to respect
her. During my labor and delivery - wouldn't you know - there
she was ... sat down, and ran on and on about his first wife's experience
- remember when she did this or that ... I about killed her.
I prayed, and God took me into an emergency C-section, I think just
to get me out of the room!! She is too much! Somebody
help me. 6/8
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Will
an M-section Remove MIL?" in your response.
RESPONSE: you think its crazy.
I honestly think that your husband should be telling her something.
Does your mother-in-law ramble on about all his ex's in front of your
husband as well? 'Cause, if she does, and your husband does
nothing about it at the time it's happening, I'd have to come to the
conclusion that HE LIKES THIS. 6/9 RESPONSE: To M-Section:
Start talking it up about your past lovers (not in front of the dh,
though). Get downright crude. For every mention she makes,
tell her that you had a few in your day *wink, wink*. Then start
to tell her about this one time ... and then stop, saying it really
wasn't appropriate to mention such tawdry, naughty things. Boy,
if that doesn't send her into estrogen shock, I don't know what will! 6/9 RESPONSE: Dear M Section,
God, do I know how you feel. My mother-in-law brings up my husband's
ex to me also. The things is, is that my husband didn't have
a serious relationship before me. So after he and I got serious,
and even during our relationship, she would tell me nice little stories
(when he was out of the room) about a relationship he had at age 16
or 17, for less than three months, and he broke it off because he
found the girl to be not so bright. On top of this, a friend
of mine made a joke (albeit, out of line) about an ex of mine to her,
and she went ballistic. She got me alone, cornered me, and said
awful things to me. The fact that she knows the bra size of
an ex of my father-in-law (who is still her husband) I find absolutely
disturbing. My mother-in-law has implants, and I am so tempted
to take a cheap shot and mention "Real D" to her when no one else
is around, but I find her existence to be so scarily pathetic that
I don't think that I could do it. This is just the tip of the
iceberg with her pathetic desire to be needed by my husband.
It has been very difficult and challenging on my husband's and my
relationship. I feel in some ways robbed of some big moments
in our life together, and the worst thing is that she claims that
she behaves this way because she is such a devout mother, and that
she loves him so much. Her behavior is so hurtful to him, and
just downright selfish. I have told my husband that I have run
out of grace and patience, and that he MUST step up to the plate.
I am working on forgiving her (and I have told her this) for my husband,
our family, her family, and last but not least -- for myself.
In the meantime, my husband and I compiled a list of some of her fantastically
crazy quotes and phrases, and we try to slyly work them into conversations
that we have with her. It helps us laugh about it, and that
has been some of the best medicine. 6/11
Okay, my mil is just amazing
... I have a beautiful 3T daughter who I have overprotected:
she has had five bruises, bites, etc in her lifetime (I know b/c I
stressed out about each of them). I try so hard to make sure
that her skin is perfect. Anyway, we (my husband and I) let
her stay with my mil for a day so that we could work on some property
... when they came back (late at night) I asked what they did that
day. MIL stated, "not much," but she did mention that
my daughter and fil laid out in their hammock. The next morning
I am looking at my daughter and she is covered in bug bites (I mean
covered: legs, arms, thank god not her face). I called my mil
immediately and asked her how did my daughter get all of these bites??
She said, "maybe she got them last night from your house"!!!!
I said, "Didn't my daughter go outside yesterday??"
She said, "NO, only to walk to the birdhouse and back."
I said, "Well, what about the hammock??? And she said nothing.
Now this woman, has skin softer than god, and has BADGERED me into
taking bottles so that I CAN PROTECT my daughter. 6/9
MY Mother in-law - I've
been married only seven month's, and the only time I hear about her
is when I have to clean up for her to visit; clean up after her while
she's here; and the things I had expressed in regards to my husband's
behavioral problems when she leaves! She never calls to say
hi. Never calls our home unless my husband has the cell off.
And is dating a married man, and believes that we care about meeting
him. Those are the examples she leads him to believe in!
"It's not ok to venture off for long. Not even with your eyes!
Especially if it hurts the other person" 6/9
My mom pointed out such
a good MIL article in the March/April issue of Modern Maturity magazine.
I tore the article out. It's by Linda Greider, and so wisely
and sensitively written. I wish there were some way I could
scan it in here to share with my "fellow travelers." But
it's called, "How Not to be a Monster-in-Law." And it's as good
as it sounds. Let's see, the gist of it: The GOOD mothers-in-law
1)let go, don't interfere in the couple's decisions; 2) are
independent, and have interests that don't include their children;
3) are flexible ("There's more than one way to make a potato salad.
Really."); 4) cultivate a cordial relationship with the other
parents; 5) claim their own boundaries, avoid family conflicts not
related to them, don't give money they don't have, and don't baby-sit
when they don't want to. (Kind of the author to put this last one
in--MILS have rights, too. I'm sometimes horrified to think of how
it would be to be so taken for granted as a babysitter as many grandmothers
are -- but maybe most people love kids a LOT more than I do!! 6/9
My husband and I have been
together eight years, married for four. My MIL has been the
bane of my existence the entire time. She thinks she's Scarlett
O'Hara -- down to the accent. She's racist, sexist (she hates
other women; especially young, pretty ones), alcoholic, controlling,
attention starved, clueless ... I really could go on and on.
I'll just make a list of some of her "better moments" so you'll know
what I'm basing this on (in no particular order):
1. Ordered me to rinse grapes (that I had already rinsed) in scalding
hot water because, "dirty Mexicans had probably had their hands all
over them!"
2. Bought my husband (who is in his mid 30's) tinker toys at a yard
sale! And, actually got him to play with them while she clapped,
crowed, and TOOK PICTURES!!
3. Warned us that after our child was born, our cats would sneak into
his crib and steal his breath.
4. Refused to come to the emergency room after my husband suffered
a grand mal seizure because she didn't have any makeup on. Never
mind that I sped to hospital braless and shoeless.
5. Once asked us as were leaving her house, "Are you two going to
go home and make love now?"
6. Falsely accused an elderly black man of threatening to drag her
outside and rape her, merely for having the audacity to ask her to
dance one night in a bar. The poor man was lucky to escape with
his life; every redneck in the place was ready to kill him because
of that lying, racist b%@$h.
7. Informed us that she would not be attending our wedding when she
found out that the Justice of the Peace that was marrying us was black.
We eloped that day (hee hee!!), and when we called her to share the
news she threw an absolute fit, screaming, "I've lost my baby!!!".
BTW, that same Justice of the Peace married us that day, and we couldn't
have asked for a nicer person -- black, white, or green. HA!
8. This one is unbelievable. Let me set the scene: It's
the day of MIL's father's funeral. We're in the limo, driving
back to the funeral home after the burial to drop off the sweet elderly
woman who had been a live-in caregiver for MIL's father in his last
days. This caregiver, we'll call her "A", had been there when
he died at home, just the two of them. She had desperately tried
to revive him as she called 911 and MIL, to no avail. She was
so incredibly sweet at the funeral, so tiny and frail herself, yet
assuring everyone that she had done all she could. So, we're
dropping A off at the funeral home where her car is, and as soon as
she's out of the limo, MIL turns to her companion/drinking buddy and
says, "Now you know what I meant when I said how horrible it must
have been for Daddy to get 'mouth to mouth' from that woman, with
those nasty teeth of hers!" I never hated her more than the
moment after she said that.
Like I said, I could go on and on, but this is long enough. Suffice
it to say, I don't know how this woman sleeps at night. 6/9
I got back at my mother-in-law
for some ugly things that she said to me, and about me, by putting
a piece of chewing gum under her car door handle. The best part
was, she was in a "hurry" to go out, and the gum had gotten hot in
the sun and melted. So, when she grabbed the door handle, the
gum went all over her hand! It may be childish, but I was laughing
so hard I had to drive around the block so I could keep a straight
face when she told me the story 6/9
I need advice, ASAP.
This involves my FIL. As disgusting as it may be, he does not
wash his hands after he uses the toilet or changes my daughter's diaper.
Even after he has a BM he does not wash his hands. After he
leaves my house, I run around cleaning and disinfecting everything,
from the remote control to the light switches and door knobs.
How do I get him to wash his hands? He watches my daughter for
a few hours once a week (this is totally temporary, I'll be out on
maternity leave in another 7 weeks). I dread the days he is
in my house. I told my husband, and although he thinks it's
disgusting, he won't say or do anything. Can anyone out there
give me a solution! Thanks. Disgusted in New York. 6/8
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Disgusted
in New York" in your response.
RESPONSE: DISGUSTED IN NY:
Buy that waterless anti-bacterial soap & place it at each sink
(bathroom, kitchen & maybe even in the living room). Don't
buy a flowery scent or he won't use it. Get plain. After
he uses the toilet, pick up the soap, open up the top & offer
him some. You might even say something like this: "I always
hate the hassle of washing my hands after using the bathroom, so I
got this new waterless stuff for us all to use". At this point,
you should be standing over him with the soap about to pour.
If he refuses then say, "Oh. I thought that since you've just
<insert action here>, you'd like to clean your hands." If
he STILL doesn't get it, tell him that your daughter is highly susceptible
to germs & you'd appreciate his being careful to wash his hands
frequently.
Good luck 6/9
Let me preface this by
saying that I lived on my own for 8 years prior to my marriage, whereas,
my husband went from mom's house to his 1st marriage. We were
co-workers (and friends) while he was married, and started dating
about 6 months after he was separated.
My MIL gave us both, for x-mas our first year together, a box of condoms,
and asked if the quantity was enough. I moved in with him 6
months before our wedding, and immediately found things that I thought
were disturbing.
All of his shirts would be clean and pressed (I thought he had taken
them to the cleaners). I came to find out that my MIL was coming
to my house after I left for work and picked up his dress shirts &
pants and took them to the cleaners for him, then picked them up,
paid for them, and returned them to his closet.
I came home, soon after moving in, to find his checkbook on the table,
all of his bills written out, so all he had to do was sign them.
The envelopes were written out and stamped. I confronted my
husband, and he acted like I was the idiot!!!! He said that,
during the 8 years he was previously married (at this time we were
in our early 30's), his mother did this. I couldn't believe
his mother had access to his checkbook!!!
I told him I wasn't going to marry anyone who had to have his "mommy"
do the everyday things that he should be doing himself, as well as,
my MIL was never going to have access to anything that had my name
on it.
It wasn't until I was ready to move out that he finally said something
to her, which caused a big problem with the wedding, as my FIL refused
to come to our wedding because we upset my MIL.
And ... to end my story, the best of all. Five months after
we married, MY mother was diagnosed with cancer, and I found out I
was pregnant. I took care of my mother throughout my pregnancy,
all the while hearing my MIL tell me that my first responsibility
was to my husband, and I had to find someone else to take care of
my MOM. Well, MY mom died when I was 8 months pregnant.
Coming home from the hospital at midnight, my MIL met my husband and
me at our house, and when she hugged me said, "IT'S OK, I'M YOUR MOTHER
NOW." I could've killed her, except for the fact I was
too tired. And what does my husband say on her behalf?
I have to be patient, because she's had a hard life. Please
respond, as sometimes I think I'm letting them drive me crazy. 6/7
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Are
You My Mother?" in your response.
RESPONSE: response to "Are You My Mother?":
I feel for you -- you are doing a good job of describing my MIL as
well! Yikes! When my husband and I were first married,
I was appalled to hear his mother say, "We'll do your taxes."
She didn't even ask if, maybe, I could do them (I'd been doing my
own taxes for years!). My husband and I also have, and had,
separate bank accounts, and she was the one person who had access
to his bank account. So, I DO feel for you. My question
is, is your husband willing to make some changes? Mine was --
THANKFULLY. If he wouldn't have been, though, it would have
been sheer hell for me. So, I'm rooting for you. (I say
my husband made some changes in regard to my MIL -- but I'm afraid
I made a big fuss first!!) 6/8 RESPONSE: Response to "Are you my mother?"
Seems to be that your MIL is overbearing and does not want to let
go!!! I have had the same types of problems in the past.
I have confronted both my MIL and husband on each occasion.
When I first got married, my MIL used to take care of his shirts -
sometimes even try to cook. She also entered my house to take
my husband's shirts to the cleaners. I had the locks changed,
and a security alarm put in. That sent a very clear message
to her. As angry as she was (and gets every time she tries to
meddle), I let her know how I feel. The point is for you, you
should confront her because you have the right to, and tell her (SPEAK
UP). My MIL knows by now, after five years of marriage, not
to do such things. She could ruin your marriage if she continues. 6/9
Note: This
story is repeated from last week (including all responses) due to
recent receipt of an additional chapter (following original story
and responses).
If my MIL doesn't get her way, then she stops talking to us for years!
I have not seen or spoken to my MIL for 2 years now, and recently
I decided to visit. Not only was I not welcomed into the house,
but I was not even told a lousy hello or goodbye when I addressed
everyone. I've been married for 11 years, and during these years
we've done more of NOT talking then talking. She has never invited
me to go out with her. She always feels that I am keeping the
kids from her, because I do not allow them to sleep there over the
entire weekend. But, then again, would you allow your children
to sleep overnight at a place that bobs all night with drinking, loud
music, and LOUD people dancing and carrying on all night long?
So, my conclusion is, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I've tried everything to please her, but something always triggers
her off and she refuses to speak to me or her son. Nice MIL.
RESPONSE: re: nice MIL
Count your blessing that your MIL won't speak to you. Mine never
shuts up!
RESPONSE: RE: Nice MIL
My MIL uses silence as a weapon, just like yours does. If they
don't get their way, they freeze us out like they're some Ice Queen
or something. It's just one of their ways of trying to control
us. My MIL refuses to call us or step foot into our home (we
only live 2 hours away) because she feels slighted that we don't visit,
except on special occasions and holidays. She refuses to understand
that both of us have to work, and the last thing we feel like doing
is taking a road trip on our off-time. I don't know about you,
but I'm tired of having to apologize for having a life. I've
begun to think her silence is rather comforting.
CONTINUATION: CONTINUED ON MY NICE MIL
Well, I know it sounds like heaven to have your MIL not speak to you
for years on end, but matters do tend to get worse when your own husband
turns against you when it comes to his mother. Even though my
husband knows his mother is totally at fault, she has a sneaky, roundabout
way, via this silent treatment, that throws the guilt trip my husband's
way, and he falls for it every single time. The end results
are, after not speaking to her for a considerably long time, my husband
is the one to make amends. She has never admitted to a fault
or an error on her part. Ironically, I have nick-named my MIL
"ice queen".
To elaborate on my MIL, lets start from the beginning, 11 years ago.
When we announced our engagement, she announced HERS (2nd marriage).
When we announced our wedding day, she announced hers, and demanded
we change our date, because it was too close to her wedding date (no,
we didn't change our wedding date). When she offered to help
with a small portion of our wedding costs, i.e.: payment of the entire
dinner, 4 days before our wedding she backed out, paying for the deserts
(I had my family make home-made deserts). When we returned from
our honeymoon, she had displayed our wedding pictures to the entire
family before we had a chance to look at them (the photographer was
a friend of my husbands family). When we had our first child,
she demanded that she keep him overnight. One particular day
she did, I caught her visiting relatives with him, and she did not
bring along our son's diaper bag (only one diaper and one bottle ...
no baby wipes, no change of clothing). When we had our second
son, I refused to let my children stay at her house, because she would
put the diaper on backwards and refused to admit she was doing it
wrong, thus causing our baby to be soaked from head to toe!
Plus the fact that she insisted that we include our 2 young children
in all her wild drunken house parties, loud music, etc. Which
I did not show up for.
Oh, the list goes on and on, and she wonders why I don't like her?
One day she nearly starved one of my children by not feeding him what
she was given. The silent treatment has been more than welcome,
yes, but it would have been better if I heard no bad talk about me,
or not be blamed for all of this because of me! But the worst
part is, my husband always has sided for his mother before his wife
and children, and placed the blame on me because his mother is this
way. He has fallen for her guilt trips every time. I stand
up to my MIL, thus causing the friction. I am a challenge to
her, which she is not used to. None of her children have ever
gone against her, or questioned her. I've heard that she wishes
her son was divorced, just so she could do what ever she pleased with
our children. Since I refuse to roll out the red carpet for
my own mother, let alone my MIL, this causes problems in her eyes.
She has always been welcomed into my house, and I have always helped
her when she's asked me. All her children have walked on nails
when in company with her, so as to not say something offensive.
But in turn, she can say what she wants, when she wants, to whomever.
This is a woman who thinks throwing a big bashing party and inviting
all the relatives will help keep the family together. A prime
example of this would be, one New Years she was having a big huge
party at her house, and of course we got invited. We had 2 very
small children and didn't want to go to the noise, so we decided to
throw our own party at home (a smaller, quieter version). Well,
of course, I got the blame for that, and was told that I was controlling
my husbands visits to her house. That I am NOT family oriented.
She did not speak with us for 3 1/2 years after that. My husband
finally went to her house and talked to her, with me of course, and
we settled things. 6 months later, she got mad at another no-show
event that we decided not to come to, and again stopped speaking to
us for another 2 years.
I think, out of my 11 year marriage, we have spoken a total of 3 years.
Some of you may think this is a blessing, and yes, under normal circumstances,
it IS a blessing (for me it is) but not for my husband. He is
a mommy's boy, and this attribute is hard to break. So, as a
consequence, I must listen to my husband stick up for her, and put
me down, in front of his entire family. He only does this when
I speak about his mother, so it's not all that bad between my husband
and me. But it still is a sore spot, and I avoid talking about
her at all costs.
So, I guess the silent treatment is good. My children can't
stand her. Which, I guess, is a good sign that my husband stands
alone putting up with his mother's guilt-trips she insists on doing.
Enough said, about "ice queen". I'm sure you all get
the picture (and, boy, I could go on and on, 'cause there's a whole
11 years worth to tell) 5/30
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Nice
MIL" in your response.
RESPONSE: RE: nice MIL (ice queen)
I feel for you. I also get blamed for every absent moment.
My MIL tells the family that I am blackmailing her son to stay away
from her, LOL. She knows exactly why I stopped going around
them (I am tired of being treated like a dog). As for my husband,
I think he doesn't go, partially because he sees the truth, and also
to keep the peace. I guess 13yrs of it is enough for me.
As for my oldest (mid teens) from a previous marriage, she won't go
around her either. My MIL said to her, at the time she was about
12yrs old, that she was saving and collecting her porcelain dolls
to give to her granddaughters (how hurt my daughter was) telling her
she wasn't her granddaughter. Ever since then, my daughter has
had nothing more to do with her. The youngest of our 2 is too
young to understand. How sad. But, you know what?
They are the ones that are losing out!!! 5/31 RESPONSE: response to "nice MIL":
Your MIL doesn't talk to you for two years when she gets mad?
I wish mine would do that. Silence is golden. Enjoy it
while it lasts. 5/31 RESPONSE: RE: Nice MIL
I'm the one who responded before ... I also dubbed my MIL "Ice Queen".
We both have the same kind of MIL! My MIL is very distant!
I never know where I stand with her. She has the habit of making
demands on our time, only it's with subtle hints that we should call
her and visit more often. But if I try to bring the issue up
face to face, she refuses to discuss it with me. She insists
nothing is wrong. I'm starting to think she's a lost cause.
It doesn't seem like she wants to make our family get along better.
It's almost like our MILs enjoy making us feel guilty or uncomfortable.
I know how frustrating it is to deal with these types of people.
Good luck to you! 6/3 RESPONSE: I am the "Nice MIL"
author, and this is in response to the one who has the same type
of mil ... 'Ice Queen'.
Well, I'm glad to know that I'm not alone in my battles. Knowing
that we both have the same type of MIL is good to know. Sending
each other suggestions and stories could be our key to learning to,
in turn, CONTROL THEM. Good luck to you too! 6/9
My MIL is dead, and you
know what, I'm glad of it. That's an awful thing to say, but
she was a witch. So many of the stories I read here ring true
with me, especially the ones about weddings. My MIL wanted my
husband's little cousin-something-removed to be my pageboy, but I
flatly refused, because I didn't want a pageboy. So guess what,
she dressed him up in velvet and lace as a pageboy anyway, ugh, then
maneuvered him into every damn photo. In the pictures of us
with her, she has her false teeth half hanging out of her mouth.
Then, she got up in the middle of the speeches and started this rambling
garbage speech!! She'd been planning it for ages, but never
asked my husband's or my permission. She just gave orders to
the Master of Ceremonies. Fortunately, my mother has a sarcastic
sense of humor, was a bit drunk (!), and made some wisecrack in the
middle of the speech that shut her up.
We snuck off on our honeymoon, and deliberately didn't leave any contact
information. She gets some bill or other, and in spite of the
fact that we were going to be home in four days anyway, she actually
rang up the travel agent, ferreted out where we were, and telephoned
at 7 a.m. to the remote hotel hundreds of miles away where we were
staying. Was I furious!
But, I did get the better of her a couple of times, and it still makes
me grin to think about them. She thought I wasn't feeding my
husband enough and started making these awful stodgy steamed puddings,
and would telephone just at suppertime to order my husband to go and
collect them! So, I got my own covered basin, telephoned MY
mother for her light, yummy steamed pudding, and started making my
own. My husband is, fortunately, not Mr. Tact, and just as I
expected, he went off and told her she need not bother making any
more puddings because mine were nicer!
Another time ... well maybe this story will get censored as too rude.
But, shortly after we married, she decided that, because I didn't
have an "airing cupboard" for my linen, SHE would wash, dry and air
our bed sheets! Well, I had bought the bed sheets a few years
before, while young and innocent, and had chosen maroon, not a good
color for bed sheets for young, recently married, childless couples,
for reasons I will not spell out, since innocent people can access
this site. So, I waited 'til the sheets REALLY needed changing
and then duly delivered them. Worse yet, she washed them on
a short cycle in cold water and they didn't come clean, then hung
them on her washing line in plain view of the whole neighborhood.
My husband was a bit embarrassed and cross with me, but it did the
trick; she never asked to wash my bed sheets again.
Snicker snicker. 6/8
Well, I've sent in a few stories about my MIL, and now it's time
to give my FIL some of the limelight! My daughter, who is six,
had her first dance recital this past weekend. My FIL has always
been very devoted to his sports - bike racing, squash - and has a
hard time compromising his schedule for ANYTHING that may interfere
with watching or participating in the sporting events of his whims.
(He actually wanted to bike to our wedding, a trip of over 100 miles!
What if he'd fallen behind schedule? What if he got hurt?
A flat? Where would he shower/change? Thank goodness,
his second wife vetoed that one! He'd already ruined a pre-wedding
dinner in our honor by injuring himself in a squash match that day,
and we wound up, at my insistence, driving him all the way to his
house with a dislocated shoulder, and then taking the train back,
an effort which took over four hours, when we should have been enjoying
good-luck toasts over a sumptuous meal!) Getting back to the
main story, he accepted our invitation to a BBQ we were holding in
our daughter's honor following the recital, but declined to attend
the recital itself because he was going to WATCH A BIKE RACE.
Not even to ride, but to WATCH!!!!! This was the first time
we'd invited him to attend any kind of special event for our child,
and though it was predictable, it hurt us to have him choose the bike
race over seeing her adorable performance on stage. The kicker
is, the week before, he attended his other granddaughter's dance recital
(she's seven and very close with my daughter. We attended, as
well). This was not really a matter of favoritism between the
grandchildren - he simply was willing to bother to attend hers because
it did NOT interfere with any of his other sporting plans for the
day! My husband expressed to his father that he felt he should
attend, and my FIL was somewhat huffy about being pressed on it.
To make it worse, my SIL told me he called her and blamed it on HER
that my husband was at odds with him. 6/6 RESPONSE: In response to the FIL who missed his granddaughter's
dance recital.
I sympathize, but am worried -- please don't write this guy off as
an awful person, yet. Maybe he is, but you might need more evidence
than this. He sounds like a real character, who does things
his own way -- and to try to make someone like this jump through hoops
might be an exercise in futility. He might be perfectly willing
to have a good relationship with your granddaughter, but maybe it
doesn't register with someone like him that a dance recital is important.
He might march to the beat of his own drummer! You can't be
blamed if you don't know quite what to make of someone like this,
but don't be sure on the basis of this one "test" that he's no good. 6/8
One day my MIL comes over
to give my husband the list of things that need to be at her place,
and as she is leaving, she tells my hubby and I to come on over for
lunch. When we get to her place, she tells us to have a seat
at the table, and proceeds to take the lunch fixin's out of the fridge.
She fixes one plate and puts it in front of my husband. Then,
she puts the food away and sits at the table ... SHE DIDN'T OFFER
ME LUNCH, A DRINK, OR EVEN LOOK AT ME! Needless to say, I got
up and walked home while my husband shook his head and ate what his
mommy told him to eat. 6/6
My husband and I met almost
two years ago. I had met his parents, who are divorced, the
following year. They live out of state. The meeting with his
mother seemed ok at first. But, before we left, she had said
that she hoped that the woman with him (me) should know the right
thing to do, meaning to stay or go if it became serious. Later
in the conversations we'd had, it became apparent that she disapproved
of me. I am only a little older than he. But I heard him
repeating several times that, whomever his choice was, that his parents
would gladly except. Yeah ... dream on! His father's remarried,
and doesn't seem to meddle as much in my husband's life. Well,
not in that way - $$ wise. But in late 1999 I became pregnant.
He didn't tell anyone in his family for several weeks - saying that
our trip to visit again for Thanksgiving would be a better time.
Well, after, I was so upset, wondering why he could have been so upset,
or what. We had problems, but we were good "I thought".
One of the biggest was a relationship that clearly, now, had more
to do with it than anything, "and still does." A relationship
with calls to his work - that, in the beginning, he blew me off with
the story that she was just upset, and cried constantly to be with
him. And, his side of it was that she didn't mean a thing, except
that they had dated, and there was no feelings, except that he was
sad she went on, and that he didn't know what to do. Eventually,
a couple of months had gone by. She couldn't call our house
because the phone didn't exist until I hooked it up in my name.
Easy to believe that it was ok, since he had recently moved jobs and
into this place, and I thought nothing of it. Later, I asked,
"Is she calling? Have you just told her to find her own
life yet and not to interfere with your work and all?"
My suggestion - well, after many times in questioning and letters
sent to our home, he said it stopped. Anyway, when I kept away
from asking and became pregnant. There she was all the time.
(I later found out she did it via his mom.) 6/6
My SIL (a very cute and
charming "superwoman" I admire, but have nothing in common with, and
am not close to) has complained so much to me about her own mother
and sister. Although she is very critical of them, and complains
to me every chance she gets, I think they sound like perfectly fine,
normal people, and actually, a lot more competent than I am!
I get depressed listening to her. I get paranoid about what
she must tell them about me -- I'm MUCH wackier and less competent
than they are! I really dread seeing them (she loves to get
us all together at social events, if she can), because I've just heard
her venting about them so much, it makes it really awkward.
Is this just life, and I'm being overly sensitive about it?
I sometimes wonder if I should stop her gently when she starts griping
about them again. But how? I wonder how I could do that
without being overly assertive or a b*tch. But, the things she
complains about with such annoyance seem to me so harmless and superficial. 6/6
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Much
Wackier" in your response.
Everyone thinks Adolph
Hitler and Eva Braun are dead. HA! I married their son,
and they are living right next door to me! Two months before
my husband and I married, I took my eight year old son out to do some
rock hunting. It was a cold February day with a blizzard due
in another day, but we were both seasoned explorers, and I let him
know where I'd be. Well, my truck got stuck in the mud, and
we had to wait to be rescued. Search and rescue from two nearby
counties were dispatched. We knew we were fine, and knew to
stay with the vehicle 'til help arrived. My MIL told my husband
NOT TO BOTHER LOOKING FOR US! I know this, because my husband
mentioned it to me ... as if it was a perfectly normal thing to say! 6/5
Note: This
story is repeated from last week due to recent receipt of a response.
Here's something I wonder, and would be glad for any insight:
How can someone be a decent MIL? Not that I'll ever be one,
because my husband and I aren't planning to have children (and in
a way, I think that makes it much, much easier in the MIL department
-- children would really complicate an already challenging relationship!).
I have a MIL who tends to be "too" meddling and involved (or, at least,
sometimes has been -- maybe she tries not to be). But, I've
also heard people complain that their MILs are too distant, not involved
enough with the grandkids, etc. (I wouldn't mind that at all, personally,
as long as it wasn't a hostile distance. If it was gentle and
respectful, it would be fine!). My own mother is a "good" MIL,
and my SIL loves her, but my SIL is also extremely demanding of my
mother, and has asked enormous favors (my SIL likes a LOT of hands-on
involvement, and although I can't help liking her when I see her --
she's charming -- I'm also pretty uncomfortable regarding her -- she
WANTS a lot, a lot of help, a lot of "togetherness" -- and
my husband and I are more independent and need some space. So,
my mother does what my SIL wants, and pleases her that way.
Is that the ONLY way to be a good MIL? I have the feeling, if
I were a MIL, I'd be considered too distant. What is within
the range of acceptability for a MIL? I'm often taken aback
by things my MIL says and does (and she's good in a lot of ways),
but I wonder just how hard it IS to be a MIL. I think she probably
wants to be a good one. 6/2
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "How
Hard is it to be a MIL?" in your response.
RESPONSE: RE: How hard is it to be a good MIL?
Good question!
A good MIL is kind! She allows us our space. She is happy
for us when we succeed; and she applauds our efforts when we fail.
She always keeps a sense of fair play. She realizes that love
is synonymous with freedom. While it’s not easy to accept our
growing need for independence, she doesn’t punish us with control
games, or burden us with guilt trips. She rewards us with her
love and support for taking on responsibility and self-reliance.
She lets us grow into our own family. She neither seeks to control
us nor does she freeze us with icy indifference. She knows that
she must strike that delicate balance between guiding us without coercing
us. When she feels hurt or neglected, she never lashes out at
us with cruelty. She instinctively knows that, although her
son came through her, he does not belong to her. He does not
belong to anyone. She understands that she can give us her wisdom
and advice, but not her beliefs, for she knows we have our own beliefs.
She is not too proud to accept a new family member. She never
makes her DIL feel inadequate. She knows that pride can be a
very destructive thing when it carries with it arrogance, bigotry
and conceit – when it knows nothing of love or compassion. She
gives her love to her son and DIL as a gift, and never expects it
to be earned. Her love is always unconditional.
That's just one opinion. :) 6/3 RESPONSE: Response to "How hard is it
to be a good MIL"
Thank you. My son is getting married next week and I have been
searching and searching for some guidelines. 6/4 RESPONSE: Response to responses to "How hard is it to
be a good MIL?" :
I really am grateful for the responses to this -- so heartwarming
and good that I think I'm going to print it out and save it!
Reading the first response again, it strikes me that this MIL you
describe is someone a DIL could trust -- if you really feel like your
MIL is rooting for you. I know in other relationships, being
someone that others can trust is (for me) at least partly a choice
-- you can CHOOSE to root for others rather than to compete with them
and judge them -- and it's really not that hard once you're committed
to that path, it's EASY, and it gets to be a habit (plus it's a lot
more rewarding than being petty and gossipy and competitive!).
My MIL is not bad -- I've enjoyed her company on numerous occasions
-- but I realize that I'm not JUST being a b*tch in regard to my complaints
about her (I wonder sometimes if I'm being unfair -- and probably
still WILL wonder that a lot!); but I really don't trust her
to rejoice in my successes (I think she even belittles them sometimes,
but she does rejoice in SOME) and applaud my efforts when I fail --
I feel more like, despite her gushing friendliness and maybe even
real affection for me (she's not a psychopath -- she's a normal person)
-- I do think she would still judge me or compare herself favorably
to me. So I really don't trust her. But she's ok, and
I complain about her a lot more than I should (I need to get a life!!!).
But I AM really inspired by the description of a truly good mother-in-law.
For the lady who wrote thanking you because her son is about to get
married: "You can do it!" My sense is that so much of being
that way -- a good MIL, a good friend to people you feel kinship with,
etc. -- is so much a decision and a belief system, rather than just
a "good personality," and anyone who believes in being that way and
is committed to it, uses self-discipline and deliberate good will
-- it's not one of those "you've got it or you don't" things.
That's my guess, anyway! 6/6 RESPONSE: RE: How hard is it to be a good MIL?
I wrote the first response. I'm so glad it was appreciated.
You can tell, obviously, I feel strongly about the subject!
Sadly, my real MIL is the opposite of what I think makes a good MIL.
My ideal MIL would be a positive person; someone that I could trust,
and feel is on our side. However, my MIL has never complimented
our successes. And, she certainly would never applaud our efforts
when we fail. It's more like she kicks us when we're down!
She's competitive, and compares herself favorably to me all the time.
She has been kind to me on occasion in the past. And, like you,
I wonder if I go too far with my complaints about her, but the competitiveness
is just so negative to me. It definitely drives a wedge in the
relationship. I've tried to keep an open-mind about her, because
I know in-laws can get mad at each other for the smallest reasons.
But, you are right - it's hard to have a good relationship with someone
you can't trust. 6/7
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Well, I've sent in a few stories about my MIL, and now it's time
to give my FIL some of the limelight! My daughter, who is six,
had her first dance recital this past weekend. My FIL has always
been very devoted to his sports - bike racing, squash - and has a
hard time compromising his schedule for ANYTHING that may interfere
with watching or participating in the sporting events of his whims.
(He actually wanted to bike to our wedding, a trip of over 100 miles!
What if he'd fallen behind schedule? What if he got hurt?
A flat? Where would he shower/change? Thank goodness,
his second wife vetoed that one! He'd already ruined a pre-wedding
dinner in our honor by injuring himself in a squash match that day,
and we wound up, at my insistence, driving him all the way to his
house with a dislocated shoulder, and then taking the train back,
an effort which took over four hours, when we should have been enjoying
good-luck toasts over a sumptuous meal!) Getting back to the
main story, he accepted our invitation to a BBQ we were holding in
our daughter's honor following the recital, but declined to attend
the recital itself because he was going to WATCH A BIKE RACE.
Not even to ride, but to WATCH!!!!! This was the first time
we'd invited him to attend any kind of special event for our child,
and though it was predictable, it hurt us to have him choose the bike
race over seeing her adorable performance on stage. The kicker
is, the week before, he attended his other granddaughter's dance recital
(she's seven and very close with my daughter. We attended, as
well). This was not really a matter of favoritism between the
grandchildren - he simply was willing to bother to attend hers because
it did NOT interfere with any of his other sporting plans for the
day! My husband expressed to his father that he felt he should
attend, and my FIL was somewhat huffy about being pressed on it.
To make it worse, my SIL told me he called her and blamed it on HER
that my husband was at odds with him.