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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 7/29/00
<--Previous Archive
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This is no joke...
Rather unique case, I am American and my husband is Canadian.
We met online, talked for about a year online about our every heart's
wish and desire, and it was just magic. I went to visit him
in Canada, and low and behold, ended up marrying him in December 1999.
I am in my early twenties, I am 4 years older than he, and I'm kicking
myself in the butt for marrying so young. He was living with
his parents at the time, but had a good job. Shortly after we
married he quit his job. I had been previously excited because
my family, as a wedding gift, sent us enough financially to cover
for our first month in our own place. Well, it's now July 2000
and we are still living in his parent's place. He hasn't worked
since December 1999.
He started a 6 month computer technical course 2 months ago, and I
perked up a little and thought, "cool, he will be able to work
again and we can get our own place and get my immigration stuff handled
so I can work too." Wrong. For one, MIL told him
he wasn't allowed to work while he was in school, not even on the
weekends, so we could have just a little bit of cash for ourselves.
I mean, it's nice of her that she's not making us pay rent while he's
in school, but she also makes us depend on her for everything.
I feel like I'm selling my soul to the devil even to get tampons or
some personal item. Secondly, every time I start to mention
us moving out after he gets outta school, she always retorts that
he won't be ready to live on his own, that he needs her and wouldn't
be able to live without her, that we have no reason to move cause
it's a nice place in her house. Sure, it's a nice place if you
don't want privacy and want your MIL involved in every aspect of your
life.
I haven't had the chance to discover the joys of marriage on my own,
because every situation ever presented before me and my H is dictated
by the MIL, the outcome is decided by the MIL. We can't have
an argument without her joining in, then it's the 2 of them against
me. We are not allowed to have a lock on the bedroom door, yet
she does not knock when she comes in, and if we are being close, she
looks at us like we are committing a cardinal sin. I asked my
H if perhaps it wouldn't be a good idea to sit down and discuss with
her, quietly and calmly, how we'd like to have more of our marriage
to ourselves with less involvement from her, but I was kindly advised
that if MIL hears anything she does not want to hear that I will most
likely end up on the street or she'll get violent on me and make my
life a living hell here.
He says he can't stop her from controlling the marriage because he
does not have a choice. I threatened to leave if we didn't sit
down and talk about this issue real quick, and instead my H asked
his mom for anti-depressant pills to give to me so I could tolerate
the stuff going on.
7/25
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I have been Married for
only 6 months. I dated my husband for almost 3 years.
I have had many run-ins with my MIL. Most of them I have kept
to myself, realizing that my husband is not strong enough to stand
up to her. That is why he lies to her so much. Well, I
started searching the web for help with this matter and came across
this WONDERFUL Web page. I have only been in contact with others
who have the same problems as I do with my MIL. I never realized
that so many MIL's are such vicious animals. I started reading
the "Fry Her" pages, and realized that I have a wonderful story to
tell about my wedding day and night. Well, my husband and I
decided to have a local 2nd wedding instead of going to Vegas (Where
I wanted to go). But my H. wanted to stay in town so the family
could attend the wedding. So I got with a friend and she helped
me get my wedding set up at a local motel. There, we would spend
our first night together as Husband and Wife. Well, guess who
else made reservations at the same motel??????? Oh my, you guessed
it. MY MIL!!!!!! And to top it all off she had my H's
two little children with her. So, all night long she kept sending
the children to our room, for pillows, blankets, ICE. Can you
believe the gall of this women?? So we really didn't get to
spend a wonderful night together. We haven't even been able
to have a Honeymoon. I don't care if we both have been married
before. We should have been able to be alone. Now, 6 months
later, I wanted to spend our 6 month anniversary together, but guess
what??? MIL has messed that up too. We were supposed to
go to a family Reunion where they camp out in the mountains for the
weekend, and have a huge dinner. I was looking so forward to
it, my first year as his wife. But my MIL had to make some real
nasty comments to me in front of a group of women at a Bridal shower
for my future SIL. Now I dont want to go, I cant stand the idea of
spending 3 days 60 miles away from home and having to see her ignore
me one more year. (She was mad at me last year and ignored me.)
7/25
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 This week's drama --
my MIL is still not over her divorce, which happened about 20 years
ago. I have heard this sob story so many times - about how her
whole family HATES her ex-husband (my soon to be FIL) because of all
the things that he did to her (none of which my fiancé even believes
are true). So recently she's been talking to my mom about planning
a wedding shower for us, and my mom got to hear this whole thing too.
Any time the subject of my FIL or his wife (of 15 years, whom MIL
hates even more) comes up, she seizes the chance to tell whoever is
within earshot what terrible horrible people the both are. Now,
I don't think it's fair of her to do this, but she just insists on
trying to get everyone to feel bad for her, and to hate my FIL and
his wife. She did it to my fiancé and his siblings their whole
lives, she started doing it to me, and now she's doing it to MY mother.
She has no idea how BAD it's making her look, saying all these things
all the time. It makes her look [A] very bitter and insecure
[B] VERY VERY arrogant, that she goes around speaking FOR everyone
else by telling people that "her whole family" hates them (my fiancé
and I get along great with them, and they treat me wonderfully) [C]
very childish and petty. I believe I mentioned this in another
submission, but every time I hear this I can picture the argument
that she and I are going to have a few years down the road the first
time I catch her saying one word of that stuff around our kids.
When I told my fiancé about the things MIL told my mother, he became
furious! He and I are so tired of this stuff from her, and ever
since we started planning the wedding, her usual brand of sh*t has
doubled. She hates the fact that my FIL is bringing his wife
to our wedding (well, gee, they've only been married for about 15
years ... how dare he bring her, right?)
And guess what? Several months ago, my fiancé got a phone call
from his step-mother about the wedding. She told him that if
he thought it would be better, and cause less problems for all concerned
if she didn't come, that she would understand. And he told her
"No Way", that we definitely wanted her there. She
is the only person who has actually come to US and asked what do WE
want. She said that this is OUR day, and she doesn't want to
ruin it if her being there is going to be a problem. We let
her know that WE BOTH want her to come, and she said "good, because
I want to come".
His real mother is too busy complaining about all the bad things that
have happened/are happening to her to be worried about what her son
wants on his wedding day. It's like, "Poor me, my kids moved
out, poor me, my son is getting married, poor me, my ex is bringing
his evil wretched wife to MY son's wedding, blah blah blah."
And he and I are so tired of hearing this.
But now I'm concerned that this bubbling hatred is going to interfere
with our wedding in some way. I can't listen to much more of
this, because every time she starts this ridiculous rant, I get a
flash forward of either a big argument AT the wedding, or several
weeks of arguments leading up to it. There is still a lot that
MIL doesn't know we're doing. She doesn't know that we are ordering
THREE mothers' corsages (his mom, my mom, and step-mom), she doesn't
know that we're not going to exclude her from the wedding party announcements
(at the reception). She totally blew up when we asked her if
she'd like to be announced by herself, or have another family member
escort her. She insisted that she would be escorted by my fiancé's
father, which we said no to. Not only are we NOT going to deliberately
exclude the step-mom just because MIL doesn't like her, but it's totally
inappropriate for her to expect my FIL to walk with her. I checked
the etiquette book, and it agreed with me. It's very inappropriate
for divorced parents to be presented together. She got mad and
resorted to "She's NOT YOUR MOTHER!" I said, "No, but she IS
his wife!" and I think she just about wanted to kill me at that point.
Until then, I had never actually seen daggers come out of someone's
eyes before. It was kinda cool. So my fiancé decided for
her that his uncle will escort her for the dinner announcements.
She doesn't know this yet. We gave her the option to choose,
and she got mad at us, so she lost her option, and the choice was
made for her (and I stayed OUT of that choice on purpose, and I left
it up to my fiancé). But like I said, she doesn't know it yet,
and when she finds out, there's going to be yet ANOTHER big argument
over MIL not getting her way. I keep wanting to yell at her,
"HELLO? Your SON is getting MARRIED here! Have some respect
for him! This is NOT about YOU, OK?!" Oh, how I would
love to do that. But that's only going to cause more problems
down the line, and I don't want to put my almost husband through that.
It's not fair to him, but at the same time, this isn't fair to me
either. She doesn't really seem to care about what either one
of us wants. It's all about how she's not getting what she wants.
I get more and more sick and upset with every argument that happens,
with every new problem. The argument used to make me cry (once
we were out of her presence and had the chance to talk about it).
Now I cry just hearing about the things she's saying, and I cry just
thinking about it, because it's so damn frustrating. But she's
the type who listens to nothing and to nobody, unless it agrees with
what she thinks. We have a hard time standing up to her and
TELLING her just how things are going to be, because if it's not something
she wants to hear, she just yells at us.
My nerves are just shot from this, and the really big fights are yet
to come. I feel like there's nothing I can do. This is
not how I want to remember my wedding.
7/25
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My in-laws are European,
and came over to North America 25 years ago. My FIL has a very
prestigious job which pays him LOTS of money (much of it tax free).
They were able to have a very luxurious lifestyle in the states.
Lucky? I'd say so. They both are hard working and ambitious
people. My husband is a US citizen (he was 5 when they emigrated)
and our children are being raised as 'yanks'. My MIL thinks
that all things American are substandard. She goes "home"
a couple of times a year to go shopping, and is always comparing the
States and their home country - with the US of A being lacking in
every case. She thinks I am not of their "class",
and told my guy so when we were dating. I have always wondered
to him why they don't go back there if it is so much better than here.
He explains to me that they would never have the standard of living
there that they bask in here, and would be taxed to smithereens.
They tend to spend social time with fellow Europeans, and they all
support each other in their superior views. When my "kids"
are over there and company is around, they often act like they are
doing field research on a new tribe, and ask all sorts of questions
which indicate their point of view: "is that the way THEY dress
for school?, at home....", or "You might not understand this story
since the social structure is different HERE ..." It is
hard to take. I don't think we should feel second class in our
own country to people who came from elsewhere, and then spend a lot
of their entertainment time criticizing the way people behave, their
values, their lack of culture ... The family dynamic is complicated
by the fact that my hubby has a sister who went to boarding school
over there, and agrees with her parents that it is on a higher evolutionary
plane. She is attending a hospitality institute training program
in Switzerland, and plans to either make her home in Europe or try
and civilize the folks over here by opening the kind of establishment
that likeminded folk can relax in (away from the common clay).
7/21
RESPONSE: This is a response to the woman who posted
a story about her European in-laws.
My in-laws are also European, but they live in Europe, and my husband
and I live in the US. I come from a country in North Africa.
I first met my future in-laws when they were vacationing in the US.
I went out with them and their son (my then boyfriend) to dine at
a nice restaurant. I was horrified to hear them make fun of
Americans and the way they eat, the way they put different foods in
one plate, the way they put their hands on the table while eating,
the way they are dressed down. The way I understood it is that
these people must be so insecure to feel so uncomfortable with other
people's ways. Then two days afterwards we went to another restaurant.
My husband's brother-in-law told his wife, when she was trying to
eat her pizza by hand, "Use your fork; you are not in Timbuktu!"
That made me feel totally puzzled; I thought to myself, this
man must be so tactless to say that, while knowing that I am from
a country which is close to Timbuktu! I am sure he has never
been to Timbuktu, or seen someone from Timbuktu, but it eases his
own anxieties and insecurities to think of himself as better than
"others." Now I have been married to their son for a year, and
they will never dream of getting an invitation from me to visit my
beautiful country!!!!
7/25
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I have read a lot of these
stories and just shake my head. The MILs sound terrible, but
I have a different version. I have been married 29 years.
My MIL never really liked me, not good enough for her son. But
I never disrespected her or talked bad to her. I was always
nice ... she was the mother of the man I loved. She now likes
me, and believe me, I went through some hurt and tears. Well,
now guess what, I am a MIL. My daughter-in law has been a friend
of our family since she was 5yrs old. I was so happy when she
and my son married. She is a great wife and mother. But,
about a year and a half ago she started telling my son, "your dad
doesn't like me," or, "your mom is mad at me". Anyway,
a lot of insecurities. They bought the house next door to us,
her parents live on the same street. BIG MISTAKE, this is not
a healthy relationship. Anyway, she goes to her mom's every
day for hours, she and my son have two beautiful and wonderful children.
I want their marriage to last and work. When my son would come
over and talk, he often would tell me things about her. One day I
said, "enough or I will start not liking her." He
stopped, unless he was mad. Well, if I said anything to him,
after their fight he would tell her things I said. He played
both sides. They would go to her family things, but she was
sick or tired to come to most of ours. It has come to the place
where we hardly talk. My husband is tired of the games, and
feels our son needs to grow up. We have come to the place where
we hardly talk, the kids come over daily. But our son and DIL
won't say anything to us.
After reading the stories here, I am wondering if some of the women
out there expect their MIL to stop caring about their sons.
I am not talking about the controlling ones, or the MIL that can't
let their son live. I would like to ask the women a question
... If you can spend time with your mother, your sister, your family
... why can't your husband spend time with his? We have become
a very selfish society, Me ME ME. It is everywhere, and I don't
feel it is just the MIL's. Also remember, someday you will,
or could, be a mother in law ... and, believe me sometimes you just
can't do anything right to please those DAUGHTER-IN-LAWS.
7/17
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Time
With His Family?" in your response.
RESPONSE: Response to "Time with his Family?"
Well, I am a DIL, I have two sons who, one day, will hopefully marry
and have a family. If they decide to visit after leaving my
house, that is totally up to them. My husband absolutely does
not call or visit his mother unless I force him to do so. She
leaves messages which he does not return, and if he does so it is
days after the fact.
It is terrible how he treats his mother, but she has said in the past
that she doesn't believe her son would do these things. In the
end, the blame is rested firmly upon my shoulders, because it works
for them both - she doesn't have to come to terms with the grim reality,
and he doesn't really have to deal with her much. Maybe you
should talk to your son and ask him why he doesn't come over ... no
excuses. Better yet, ask your DIL, in some kind of non-confrontational
way, for the truth. She would know.
7/18
RESPONSE: Response to Time with his Family,
It was brave of you to write in, and it was interesting to give your
point of view. However, you yourself said that your dil living
on the same street with you, next door and her parents down the street,
was unhealthy. Also, that she visits with her mom for hours
and has an excuse for not coming over to visit you. (Perhaps
a little jealousy?)
After reading your story, I sensed a lot of expectation on your part.
You also asked a question to all of us "normal dil" If
we spend time with our family, why can't our husbands spend time with
theirs? Apparently, you haven't spent much time reading the
stories here. Most of us dil's don't begrudge any time that
our dear husbands want to spend time with their moms. We are
just the excuse when they don't go.
What happens to living your own life? Don't we raise children
to be independent? But, suddenly when your child is grown and
has a family of his own (here comes that word "expectation")
the in-laws think they have a right to inject their views, and participate.
You said we have a selfish society, and it's always about me, and
perhaps it's true. But, dear mil, you need to let go.
You did your job. If they want to include you in their lives,
be grateful. You reap what you sow. Be the person everyone
likes being around. You get more flies with sugar than you do
with vinegar.
7/18
RESPONSE: RE: Time with his family
I am sure that some of us DIL's may be being unreasonable, being over-sensitive
at times, but most of us just have terrible MIL's.
My MIL is a controlling, ignorant, racist, jealous woman. I
definitely do not want my husband to hate his mother, but she's doing
it to herself. She will tell all sorts of expanded stories about
my husband to me, and will try to make me dislike him. She is
trying to ruin our marriage. My husband senses that, and despises
her for that along with the other things she has done to him.
I have said nothing to her for the first year of our marriage (I was
like an answering machine - won't respond and she'll just talk, talk
and talk), but there is a limit to how much I can take. I do
not wish to hear her bad mouthing my husband, making racist comments,
and talking badly about people I have never met (like her relatives,
people she refers as "her friends"). I am tired. I told
my husband that he could go visit her at her place and attend family
functions, but I am not going to visit her, call her, or pretend "happy
family" for her so that she could look GOOD in front her sister and
her friends. BUT, my husband made the choice of not seeing her.
I am sure that one day he'll chose to see her, and I am fine with
that, as long as I am not included in that plan (and it takes place
some other place besides my home). I don't understand why his
mother thinks that he wants to see her after all the wrong things
she has done to him. She cheated him emotionally and financially.
All the MIL's should really think whether your DIL/SIL is the one
controlling your son/daughter's visits, or that they are making a
CHOICE of not seeing you because of the way you behave.
7/18
RESPONSE: Re: "Time with His Family"
I'm just wondering if the reason you're annoyed with your DIL's behavior
is because you submitted to your MIL (even when she didn't like you)
and never "disrespected" her. Is it possible that you now you
expect DIL to accept submissive posture to you since you'd never stood
up to your own MIL? In other words, now it's "her turn"?
I think you should continue showing love to your DIL. You have
more power in the relationship; your DIL feels threatened by that,
and wants you to like her. Yes, she's insecure, but if you show
her unconditional love, she'll be grateful and come around.
Trust me. DILs just want to be accepted and loved; problems
arise when MILs withhold affection or play control games with the
sons, or turn the relationship into a territorial war.
7/18
RESPONSE: In response to "Time with His Family"
--
I was really interested to read your perspective. This has also
haunted me -- that it is too easy for us to be TOO critical of our
MILs. You have a point; of course a mother can't stop caring
about her son when he gets married. I feel guilty, too, because
I think my MIL was happy that I married her son, too, yet I seem to
be overly sensitive to everything she does -- just poised to take
offense -- in a way I'm not, with other people.
One way a MIL can be sensitive to her DIL is not to show obvious favoritism.
I know that sounds crazy; of course her son is her favorite!
She gave birth to him! But sometimes, even if I'm trying to
think well of my MIL (and I am capable of enjoying her) her petting
and spoiling my husband, gushing about, for instance, how tired he
is -- when I'm tired, too, but she doesn't care about that! -- can
be really tiresome.
I think my own mother is a favorite with my brother's wife because
she doesn't act much fonder of my brother than his wife. She
doesn't fuss and gush over him; she's down-to-earth and kind to both
of them. If anything, she pays more attention to his wife than
to him!! So, no wonder my SIL adores her. My own MIL sometimes
annoys me by gushing over my husband. I do realize that she
can't stop caring about him -- but it does get kind of annoying sometimes,
especially when it's at my expense.
But, you don't sound gushy to me -- you sound down-to-earth and fair
-- and I hope you and your DIL can work things out, especially when
things got off to such a good start. I hope she can make some
effort, too (sometimes I don't think I make enough effort with my
MIL, and she's made plenty of effort.) Heartfelt best wishes
to you.
7/18
RESPONSE:
I seriously doubt that your DIL has a problem with her husband visiting
you. My husband and my MIL/FIL are basically decent people.
However, when it comes to dealing with me - their DIL - they are illogical,
unfair and biased. My husband (as sweet as he is) never returns
his mother's calls. I do. He never plans for visits to
his family when we return to the Midwest. I do. His family
does not make much of an effort to visit us. My family does
- often paying for our plane fare because they can afford it better
than we can. His family - even when my family has paid for our
plane fare, expect us to drive three hours (FIL) and or six hours
(MIL) to visit when we're in the Midwest, and we do, and I usually
plan it, however, they feel that I'm keeping him from them, somehow.
I'm not sure how they see his not returning telephone calls - they
probably just ignore that or blame me in a way I'm not aware of.
The point is - your son is an adult. If he wants to visit, he
will. If he doesn't, he won't. My best girlfriend (who
I suspect was a terrible SIL, but is now an excellent ex-SIL) said
her brother's wife wouldn't let him come over. She controlled
him. It never occurred to her that her SIL and her brother broke
up because he was having an affair. Now how much controlling
was she really doing? Lastly, my DH has said foolish things
to his parents and family that he's claimed I've said. When
we rehashed the situation, it's always something he misunderstood
or misstated to them, and they were angry at me over something he
said that I never said. Consequently, when he tells me something
that they've said - I take it with a grain of salt. But I try
to think the best of people - I consider that taking the high road.
BTW, DH told me, about three hours after I'd had a caesarean, that
his sister (who was also due any day) said that a c-section would
make her feel like she hadn't done her job. My DH said this
to me, a woman who'd just delivered his child, and after over 30 hours
of labor.
7/19
RESPONSE: Response to: "Time With His Family?"
Your story really caught my attention. I have been married almost
9 years. In that time I have collected a lot of hurt and pain
from my MIL. I was raised to respect my elders ... NO MATTER
WHAT! That's what I have always done, to this day. I have
been nice and polite to my MIL, even though she has been hateful and
hurtful to me. Until 3 years ago, I went to every family function
my in-laws planned. I contributed to the meal and always helped
clean. Instead of a polite "thank you", I got hassles and headaches.
The last family function I attended, my MIL was asked how many grandchildren
she had ... she didn't include mine in her count. I sat at the
table, dying inside, but kept my mouth shut. I thanked God that
I had left my son at my mother's, who has always counted him and her
step-grandchildren. That was the final straw. I am fed
up. I still have never disrespected her. But, I can't
say that I never will. Next time she confronts me ... I will
reply, respectfully. I think that's where I made a mistake,
I never stood up for myself.
I have always spent a lot of time with my parents. I adore them.
They let me be me, and I don't have to worry about harsh judgments.
They include me in planning our holidays and family functions ...
instead of telling me where to be and what to bring. My husband
spends more time with my parents than his own. It's HIS choice!
My father and husband go on weekend fishing trips at least once a
month. I don't make him. He enjoys my father's company
... my father shows him respect. My family has always included
my husband as our family ... he doesn't have to prove anything to
anyone.
If my husband wanted to spend more time with his parents ... I would
not care. I know they are jealous of the relationship that he
has with my father. But, it's their own fault. Had they
not pushed me (the wife their son chose for life) out and made me
feel inferior and not family, my husband would spend more time with
them. I would spend more time with them! But, because
of the past, I will never do for them as I did for so many years!
If my MIL called me one day, and sincerely asked to work on our relationship
... I would try. But, she never will. She still believes
the problem is me ... not her. Trouble is, this is my husband's
second marriage. The first ended in divorce because of his mother.
He fears a second divorce for the same reason. We've come close.
Always, when I just can't take anymore, I try to keep in mind that
it's his family, not him. But, sometimes it just seems that
my life would be easier if they weren't a part of it.
I am also a MIL. I had a real good teacher on "how NOT to be".
I love my DIL, but don't always agree with her. I include her
in whatever I plan, but never make demands. I know they spend
more time with her mother ... but that's okay. I know they love
me too. What I want most is for them to be happy. I don't
have to be a part of life every day ... as long as I am remembered
and respected.
I hope things work out with your son and DIL. Time heals all
wounds!
7/19
RESPONSE: RE: Time With His Family
Dear MIL: Yes, we are here to "sort" out our differences with our
MIL's. While I can appreciate that you "try" to be the "perfect"
MIL to no avail, something about your post still strikes me the wrong
way. It seems that you think if you don't "care" about your
son, then your not a good MIL. However, we all have MIL's who
care too much and who DON'T butt out. We've had MIL's who have
gone to tremendous lengths to destroy a relationship.
Here's my take on what a MIL's role should be, and it is also part
of a letter dh & I have written to ourselves to read 20+ years
from now.
A MIL should be kind, gentle, and welcome their children's choice
of a spouse no matter HER choice. Irregardless of my beliefs
or opinions of that spouse, it is my job to "accept" and trust that
I've raised my child to be a competent healthy independent human being
who can make the best choice for their own lives. I will never
offer advice unless directly asked for it. I will always call
prior to visiting, and will not take it personally if my ds/dd says
"no, not a good time right now, maybe later." I will respect
their boundaries and choices on how they will raise their own kids.
If they call in the middle of the night totally stressed, babies crying,
I will be there without fail, without question or judgment, to help
however they need help and leave when asked to.
A MIL should respect the privacy of her children's marriage and any
problems it may incur. A MIL should love her kids unconditionally,
not play favorites or throw in the "manipulation" card in order to
get her own way. A MIL should feel happy & comfortable that
she's raised intelligent people who can make decisions completely
without any input. A MIL is someone you can laugh with, visit,
talk to, plays with the kids, takes them for ice cream & lets
them eat too much of it (unless told otherwise) and then she goes
home.
Being around a MIL, having my own children-in-laws one day- around
ME in the future, I hope will be as easy as being around my own dad
& grandparents. There is never a word of judgment, pointing
fingers, laying blame, feeling "wrong" for making mistakes & screwing
up, there is never an "I told you this would happen one day, if only
you'd have listened to me..." There's a lot of love, acceptance
and trust that I am a healthy & strong woman who can make choices
all by myself or with my dh. There is never a "favorite" in
all the 6 kids, 19 grandkids & 4 great-grandkids ever! Each
one has the cutest smile, the best "pitch", the greatest picture colored.
Each one has unique traits and is told how proud they are about their
successes. Our own kids have never heard a word about their
failures or mistakes, how wrong they were to choose one way or another,
how they should have learned the first time or maybe this time you
will learn ... Our children are people who are loved, cherished
and we will feel such mixed blessing when they are all gone out of
our home. The sadness for them grown and gone, the happiness
to know we did a great job and our job is done. The rewards
in visiting our grandkids and being there as much or as little as
our children will want. We are proud of the way we've raised
our kids thus far, and will be equally proud of ourselves to watch
them grow, succeed & fail only to succeed once more!!! That
is what a parent, a proud MIL should be.
The MIL's who are not proud and comfortable with their children's
choices in life & in a spouse are the ones who feel like total
failures, and feel like they themselves did NOT do a good job parenting.
They think they can "correct" those many mistakes that haunt them,
by fixing their children's marriage or telling them how to raise their
own kids. Those are the IL's who have deep problems and self-esteem
issues that far exceed any real "issues" they may have with their
dil or sil. I do agree with you on one point, it is sad to see
these types of stories here. I've even posted a couple myself.
I do also shake my head just at the thought of knowing that there
is such a need to even have a website such as this one.
Go, get a life of your own, MIL, and irregardless of what you think
of your DIL, she is a human being with feelings and emotions, and
your ds is living his life with her - for life. His priorities
will and should always lie with his wife FIRST AND FOREMOST, and it
is only when his ds does NOT become a priority, you should start to
worry. Go back to your own behavior and truly see if you are
showing some dislike or messages towards her. YOUR feelings
truly do not matter here. She is your son's wife and you need
to respect that, period!
7/25
RESPONSE: To Time with His Family:
Sorry MIL, but your story just doesn't jive with me! First off,
too bad you never had the self-esteem to have your own MIL respect
you as a person and stand up for yourself. I feel sorry for
you. You must have a low self-esteem. AND IF you're such
a great MIL yourself NOW, why on earth are you trying to complain
here????? You should accept your DIL for who she is, and that
she is PRIORITY ONE with your ds. As for the ME ME ME society
here??? I don't think so. Dh & I don't ACCEPT CRAP from
either side of our families. We have a very clear set of boundaries,
and we are also very grounded in the choices we make in our own lives.
We DON'T live by any other values and morals except ours. If
extended family doesn't like it, we simply DO NOT CARE. We are
together for life, and we cannot please everyone and never will, so
we never "consider" outside influence or opinions when it comes to
important LIFE decisions for our marriage & kids. YOU accuse US
AS BEING A "ME ME ME" SOCIETY??? Yet your oblivious to the fact
that it's exactly what you are doing here, it is the "poor me syndrome".
Sorry MIL, don't buy it, go out and get a life, and stop obsessing,
you seem to be "ME ME ME" here yourself. NO, when it comes to
ANYTHING YOUR DS & DIL do, its NONE of your business, period!
Guess you should have stood up to your own MIL long ago, and I hope
your DIL stands up to you too! She deserves ultimate respect,
period.
7/25
RESPONSE: In response to "Time with His Family"
That was smart of you not to listen to your son's disagreements with
DIL.
My H calls any of his relatives. I'm always the one calling
and checking on them or returning their calls. I get tired of
always being the one to do all the calling, and last year I stopped
doing all the Christmas shopping for his side. I let him wait
until the last minute and then run around the mall on Christmas Eve
like a chicken with his head cut off!!
I have a 6month old son, and I pray every day that he picks a good
wife and that I can be a good MIL to her. Everybody I know --
my sister, and cousins and all of my friends all have great MILs,
but I missed that boat. I always tell them to tell their MIL
how thankful they are of them and how much they appreciate them.
I hope it works out for you. It sounds like you are trying to
do good. Best Wishes!!
7/25
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Yesterday, I got a call
from my FIL. He asked me why I didn't get on the phone to speak
with my MIL when she called. I asked him if my SIL's husband
got on the phone when she called her daughter. His response,
"Oh, no, he's a doctor, much too busy." He asked me why his
son never called or came to visit. I told him to speak to his
son. He then asked me to please turn the relationship between
my MIL and our family around if I loved him. I told him I didn't
have the power. Geeze, don't MIL's and FIL's think that DIL's
hold the golden key? I told my FIL that the problem was the
source, my MIL. He responded, "Oh, no, couldn't possibly be."
See what 50+ years of marriage does? The poor guy has lost his
mind <G>.
7/21
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The day after my birthday
I called my mother-in-law and father-in-law to thank them for the
gift. Their son (my brother-in-law) answered the phone and said
that they would be back in a couple of hours. I told him I would
call back later. A few hours later, she called me back and started
to gripe me out for not having a conversation with her son, and said
that I had hurt his feelings (she probably made up that story just
to have something to complain about). I told her that I didn't
need a lecture, thanked her again, and hung up the phone. I
wasn't rude or short with their son. My husband (who was in
the room during both conversations) agrees with me on this.
I'm not ever going to call and thank them again - after all, last
time I got bit in the ass. As if that wasn't bad enough; the
next day my father-in-law called my husband at work to ask what was
going on. They argued with each other for quite a while before
it got really ugly. My fil asked my husband what he was doing
with a fat wife like me, and how could he stand being married to someone
who weighs as much as I do. That was the end of their conversation,
and we don't want anything to do with either of them from now on.
(By the way, I returned the gift they gave me. I don't want
anything from people that say such mean things about me.) The
only good thing about the situation is that my husband stuck up for
me (he's such a good man). According to the the other mil stories,
it only gets worse when you have kids. Perhaps we just won't
tell them when we do. It may sound snotty to say these thing
about these people, but they have done many other horrible things
to me and my husband, and they are really not very good people.
Should we just cut these people from our life? We have forgiven
their cruelty before, many times, should I forgive this as well?
7/19
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Forgive
This As Well?" in your response.
RESPONSE: Response to "forgive this as well"
I DEFINITELY think you should cut these people from your lives.
With people like that in your life, it's unlikely that you'll ever
get any peace. You do not deserve any of their abuse, and you
certainly wouldn't want your child being around mean people like that.
We are cutting our MIL out completely, and it is becoming a lot more
peaceful around our home. We have a 5 month old that will never
know her. Thank heavens your husband is such a good man and
will stick up for you. It amazes me how such good men can come
from such bad "mothers". Please don't choose to let such abusive
and mean people into your life. It's not healthy for you or
your husband and any future children you may have. Best Wishes!!
7/21
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My mother in law has tried
for 26 years to wipe me right out of her son's life. I am just
sorry that I have put up with her garbage. My husband insisted
on living right next door to them and has refused to ever leave.
My MIL watches my driveway and can tell you every car, visitor, etc.
that comes to my house. She controls my husband, telling him
what he can & can not do, where he spends his holidays; she controls
every move he attempts to make. The sad thing is he lets it
happen. When he recently started a little business on the side,
and made the mistake of letting my FIL be his partner, she jumped
in and took the checkbook, and controls all of it, and has proceeded
to take over (controlling every aspect) and refuses to let me have
any part in it. Needless to say, I hate divorce, but my husband
never allows me to open my mouth about anything they do (no matter
what). He refers to them as his family instead of me and my
children. I have finally reached the point where I can no longer
take it. He made his choice, so I am leaving him with his family.
I wish him well, but sometimes in life you have to make a choice where
your priorities lie, and I think he has.
7/20
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My MIL is making my poor
husband suffer. The only time in 26 years he stood up to her,
and he told her she was not in CONTROL of his business, and that his
wife's name would be put on it. She has turned his dad and sisters
against him. They do not invite him to their little get-togethers.
It has happened several times. This one incident I thought was
very humorous. One Sunday, while they were having a little family
get-together, we happened to show up at the same restaurant.
My daughter ran to wish my FIL a happy Fathers Day. She asked
them if they were having a party, to which they replied, "We
were all just driving around town and showed up at the same place."
HOW LAME!!
7/20
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My MIL will make family
pictures and videos all day and at every occasion. Guess who
is never in them? It is so funny, because she had been making
a video, and after, she had filmed everybody skiing and ski bobbing.
Somebody told her to video me while I was skiing, to which she replied,
"I can't film. I am too tired and my arm is worn out."
She's not kidding me. She just doesn't want me in their family
videos & pictures.
7/20
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I just got a birthday
card from my mother in law of 24 years, unsigned. We all decided
it was no mistake, she didn't want to write love or Mom and Dad so
decided not to sign it. With it came some plastic money from
a local department store, and that was signed "The folks". We
didn't even know at first who they were <G>.
My thank you read, "Dear Folks, thanks for the L & T money.
I didn't need anything so I gave it to Sara (our daughter, their granddaughter).
Signed ... (my name).
7/20
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Two years ago my H and
I built our 2nd home. We decided to take his mom with us because
my FIL passed away about 1 year before, and we felt bad leaving her
so far away. We both work because we made the house large enough
to give my MIL her own kitchen, living room, bedroom and bath.
We let her pick her own colors for tile, carpeting, and so on.
The agreement was that she would be home to get our two children (9
and 7) off the school bus and watch them until we get home (approximately
1 1/2 hours every day). She would pay us rent, but she didn't
want any money for watching the children because they were her grandchildren.
She insisted. She is a young 65 year old healthy woman.
She has a driver's license, but says she is too old to drive, and
needs my H to take her everywhere. Now she never leaves the
house, not even for a walk around the block, and she tries to make
the children stay inside with her to watch TV. (This is the
only thing she does all day) She is not a bad person, but she
is fearful that everyone is out to cheat her or do her harm.
She refuses to tip the paperboy because he is a man, not a child.
She has no friends, and is not interested in making any friends at
all. She says she has no interest in any other man in her life,
and that she is just waiting around for God to take her. She
does nothing to help around the house, but she complains. She
complains about the kids and about her living space to be too small
(She says we should have built her a 2 bedroom unit so that her other
granddaughter can stay with her. Her other son never visits
our home. He waits until I visit my mother, who lives in the
same town, and tells us to drop her off.) We work a lot around
the yard to make the house look nice, and she watches us through the
window, but never comes out to help. I feel angry that I am
working so hard to pay for this home that she is enjoying and all
she does is complain about it. She tells our children that it
is her right to live with us because she is my H 's mother.
7/19
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I would like to add my
opinion of MIL's. I have one word for them - "JEALOUS".
I know that at least 90% of MIL's are jealous of their DIL's.
It's such a shame. My mother-in-law competes with me constantly.
She is 49 years old and she acts, dresses and looks like she's 24
(my age). We went skiing together as a family, and she had to
beat me down every hill. She runs 8 miles/day so she has the
biggest ego that she is in shape. It's very annoying, 'cause
I am still youthful and she has lost it. She won't accept that.
I'm afraid to have a baby 'cause I honestly feel that she will have
one right after me. It's a sad case here ....
7/19
RESPONSE: In response to "Jealous" --
WHY are MILs jealous? It would be a good thing to figure out
for all of us who are likely to BE MILs someday. I don't flatter
myself that my own (decent) MIL is jealous of me, but this odd thing
happens -- she acts real helplessly feminine around me, kind of having
me take the "man's" role. ("Will you kill that spider for me?
AAAAAHHHHHHEEEEE!") By the same token, I sometimes wonder
why I'm SO critical of her. I think I'd be a lot easier on,
and more tolerant of, others for the same behaviors I judge harshly
in her. Maybe I'M the one who's jealous.
7/20
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My mil is definitely from
HELL!!! She thinks of no one but herself. I have been
married to her son for 8 weeks and it is a miracle that we made it
to the wedding. In the months before our wedding she tried to
ruin our wedding and talk my husband out of marrying me. She
changed the flowers I picked out, the food I wanted to serve at my
rehearsal dinner, and bought us a crock pot for our wedding present.
My husband's family never offered to pay for anything, yet they complained
about everything. When I got to my rehearsal dinner there were
13 people I had never seen before sitting at the tables. My
bridesmaids and groomsmen had nowhere to sit b/c these people were
sitting in their places. My mil had decided to invited some
of her family without telling anyone, and then threw a fit when she
had to pay for these unaccounted for guests. She also changed
the food and it was hideous. I went to each table and apologized
for the inconvenience of not having a place to sit, and the awful
food. Next, me and her had it out, and she left. At the
wedding rehearsal, she sat at the back of the church and pouted.
She would not participate in anything, and had a proxy to practice
walking in for her. At the reception, no one talked to her and
her husband including their own son. My husband's mother told
him that she was sure that she and I would get along as soon as I
had our first child. I can assure you that will never happen.
I am not a baby factory, and my husband has promised me that I never
have to see her again. As for now, my mil's phone number is
blocked from being able to call my house and all letters she sends
are returned to her without reply. She will be lucky if she
ever sees us or our future children again. I want no contact
with her, and I don't want her to corrupt my children if I am lucky
enough to have any. My husband was adopted, and she always told
him that they picked him out and chose him. Who wants to grow
up feeling lucky they were bought? She is an evil old b*tch.
7/17
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My H and I are in the
process of completely severing the relationship w/MIL because she's
such an evil fruitcake. Today, she came over to get some furniture
she gave us over a year ago, but wants it back because she's mad at
us. We gave it back, but I stood up to her for the first time
and told her she wasn't allowed in our garage, and that I'm not doing
her shit for her -- something was in the garage she wanted me to get
her. It felt so good, I should have done this years ago!!
I highly recommend to anyone with an evil MIL to put her in her place.
Give a little back of what she dishes out. It was the best therapy
I've had in dealing with her (next to this website, of course)!!!
7/17
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My mother in law lives
20 min's away, and has not seen her grandkids in over 5 months.
This is only one example of things she's done in the 14 years I've
been married to her son. Five months ago, at a family outing,
my grade school son and his teenage cousin were playing with ketchup
packs, which they should not have been doing. My mother in law
told my son to leave his cousin alone. Now the cousin can make
two of my son, doesn't need granny defending him. Anyway, she
told my son to give her the packs. When he gave it to her it
burst in her hand. She then took the ketchup and squeezed it
in his ears, eyes, and on his jacket. Needless to say, my son
came in very upset. When my husband asked her what her problem
was, she said she had just gotten even. I couldn't take it anymore.
I looked at her and told her, "He's a child. You're an
adult. Act like it." She left, and hasn't seen the
kids since. My daughter's birthday came and went, not even a
phone call. The good thing is, my husband finally saw what I
had been saying for years, that she did not like our kids. The
other 6 grandkids are all she cares about. But it's her loss.
She'll never know how special these two kids are, or how much love
they have in them. They don't even want to see her. I
don't feel I should force them, either. I'm tired of trying.
If she wants a relationship, she'll have to make a move. But
when you don't show up for grandparent's day at their school, that
says a lot.
7/16
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Where do I start?
Yes, I know, the MIL lost her husband a few months ago. A bloke
I really liked, and was an inspiration to all. But, the MIL
will not stop interfering. She lives in a village, and we live
in the nearest town. We gave her a key to our flat, just in
case we were away and we needed her to get in and do something for
us, or if we forgot the key when we went out, etc. But, when
we're out and she's in town, she would come into our flat and use
our toilet - obviously without asking! We've got stuff in our
flat that we really don't want her to know about (nothing illegal
- just sensitive!).
Furthermore, me and the missus (we're both in our early twenties)
want to spend time together - as young couples do. But we cannot
make any plans, as the MIL always asks if my G/F can go out with her
to this or that, regardless of what we have planned, or not considering
what I want to do, i.e. special time with the one I love, etc.
Also, the MIL is self-employed, as I am. But, the way she is
self-employed is different from myself. Basically, she can take
time off and do whatever she wants, when she wants - I cannot.
I have business customers that I have to look after and be available
at certain times. I just can't take off days whenever she wants
to go and cut her grass or paint her walls, etc. It seems that
she has no respect for my time or space. Everyone has to be
available to do things for her whenever she wants.
It goes on. I (and the missus) have to go up country to see
friends of hers, because she can't drive 300 miles on her own.
I have to take time off work (which isn't a good time at the moment)
so I can navigate for her.
I need some encouragement. I will have to say that I cannot
take time off work, as I need the money, and that she and my G/F will
have to go on their own.
Heaven help us when we get married, as when we told her that we were
going to move abroad, she tried to make us feel guilty. The
exact same thing happened between her (and husband) and their parents
when they moved 60 miles away from their parents. The MIL and
husband said that they had to do what they wanted, and move where
they wanted, but oh no, when we want to do that we're in the wrong.
Anyone got a manual about how to cope with MIL's and how to politely
say that we have our own lives and we need time/space to ourselves?
I can tell that if it goes on any longer it will split us up.
For example, tonight we want to stay in and continue to redecorate,
but we can't as my G/F has to go out with her tonight - again!
7/16
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Anyone
Have MIL Manual?" in your response.
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(important info at bottom
of post)
I have a problem that is really bothering me...
His family has no consideration for "normal" calling times.
They will call at 11:30 PM, 3:30 AM, with no thought that we may be
sleeping.
When they call, I have a very hard time getting back to sleep.
Good example would be this evening -- we went to bed at approx. 9:30
(we have 6 kids, and are exhausted). The phone rings the first
time at 11:30, and it is his mother -- fine, after about an hour I
am ready to go back to bed after being rudely awakened by a ringing
telephone. Get back in bed, and again at 3:30 AM the phone is
ringing, and this time it is his brother -- this is not the first
time we have had episodes like this, but it is really starting to
bug me at this point. Because of outside stress that I have
been having, I find it very difficult to fall asleep, and then to
be awaked, after I finally make it there, really upsets me.
The last time this happened I got very upset and told him that he
needed to say something to his brother -- he obviously did not do
so, because once again it has happened. Once again he said that
he will say something, but I do not think this is going to happen.
He (the man I am with) is divorced, and in some of the old letters
that I have read, that she wrote to him while he was out to sea, it
worries me a bit, because she mentions his family in some of these
letters in not so bright of a spotlight. I have been considering
talking to her (when I feel the time is right) about the dedication
she had from him when it came to his family, and if he knows how to
put his foot down when they leave consideration out of the picture,
because of the old "blood is thicker then water" saying. I,
at one point, thought that I would like to marry this man, but I do
not want the problems that I fear we would have with his family.
I have mentioned to him that I would like to talk to his ex about
her experience with his family, and his famous line is, "She
will only lie to you about them." I don't know what to
do, but I am very worried about what the future may hold for us.
I have met his family, and for the most part, they are nice people
-- they have their problems, such as any other "normal" group, but
things do make me angry, such as: every time his mother calls she
has a new illness (in her head) for sympathy, and she lays a guilt
trip on him if he doesn't take the kids to her home --- I might add
that she lives 4 hours away, and has never offered one time to come
to our place and see the kids -- well, I take that back, she did offer
once when he called and asked her to come to our home for the weekend,
but he was going to buy the bus ticket -- she would never do it on
her own.
All I have to say is, thank goodness that he is in the military and
we are due to leave this area in another year -- I want the West Coast
to avoid some of our problems.
Please let me know if you think I am just being selfish, or if I have
a right to be nervous about our future and upset about the late phone
calls.
Bear with the rambling, but it is 6:00 in the morning and I have had
maybe 2 good hours of sleep, if even that.
An important thing that I left out about his mother is that, about
3 weeks ago, they stayed with their grandmother for 2 weeks, and prior
to that, when the kids were at her house, she was told specifically
not to let his son (5) go with a male friend of the family, because
my boyfriend did not trust this man. Well, after we picked up
the kids this last visit, the next morning at our home, the little
boy tells us that certain things happened when he was with this man
that the father did not trust, and the same man that he told his mother
not to let the son go with. Of course the proper authorities
have been notified, and all the steps are being taken to get this
man prosecuted, but I was VERY UPSET that she took it upon herself
to set this little boy free with a man that she was told not to allow
him to go anywhere with. She directly disrespected my boyfriend's
wishes, and now his son will be scarred for a very long time ----
he (the boyfriend) acts as though everything is just fine with her
--- this would not have happened if she would have respected his wishes
in the first place.
7/16
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Unrespected
Wishes" in your response.
RESPONSE: Response to "unrespected wishes"
It's YOUR responsibility to make sure your kids are protected from
people you don't want them around. That wasn't very wise of
you to rely on someone else to do YOUR job. And, now your son
has to suffer for YOUR poor parenting. You shouldn't be shacking
up anyway. What kind of example is that setting? I have
no sympathy for you, because you are not being a responsible individual.
The late night phone calls should be the least of your worries!!
I see much bigger fish to fry in your case.
7/17
RESPONSE: Re: 1st Response to Unrespected Wishes.
Did we read the same letter? It was her BF's son - not her son.
Yes, ultimately it is the BF's responsibility to watch out for his
son, but I'm sure he felt he could trust his own mother to watch out
for them. How many of us have spent a week or two with grandparents
- families do it, and the last thing they expect is for their child
to be assaulted, usually. This man requested that the mother
not let the child be around this pedophile, and she either forgot,
or disregarded his wishes as this woman wrote, and you are castigating
her - blaming her, for something that is not her doing. I agree
with you that she has bigger fish to fry than the phone calls (BTW
I don't understand what is wrong with the writer asking the family
not to call that late herself, or unplugging the phone, since they're
rude), but overall you're right, in that there are other things to
concentrate on with this group. But without malice towards you
(and I get livid when I hear about child abuse) you seem to have some
issues that you might want to get counseling. This is not an
insult or a put-down, just a heartfelt observation. I love counseling,
and I'd recommend it to anyone (heck, everyone at some point in their
life could use it.)
7/19
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I almost feel guilty writing
this. My MIL is not mean. She doesn't hate me. In
fact, we got along fine, until she moved in with us. It's now
6 years later. We have a fairly small house. Basically,
one large room, with 3 bedrooms off on the sides. She has never
had a driver's license, my FIL is no longer alive, and she has no
friends. She is here 24 hours a day. She knows every step
that I take. My husband and I can't even have a good fight anymore.
We have absolutely no privacy. If I'm upset and she hears me,
she wants to know what's the matter. Most of the time, it's
none of her business. I can't even go to the bathroom, without
her knowing. She hears the toilet flush. I feel like I'm
being suffocated, in my own home. I'm never alone. My
husband will go out, my son will go out, but she's always here.
She sits in her room all day, watching TV, crocheting and reading.
That's the way she's always been. LAZY. She won't even
go out for a walk. I try a get up earlier than she does, just
to be alone for a few minutes. As soon as my feet hit the floor,
she's up too. I do have a job. That's my only time away
from her. I have always been a person that needs time alone.
I'm going insane. If I could afford it, I think I'd move out. I don't
even enjoy coming home anymore. Can anyone relate to this?
I did join the gym, FOR ME. That helps a little. But this
woman is healthy, around 77 years old and could live for another 5-10-15
years. By the way, she has no where else to go. She can't
afford her own place, and we can't afford to help her out financially.
7/12
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "No Longer
Enjoy Home" in your response.
RESPONSE: Response to "No Longer Enjoy Being Home"--
My heart goes out to you. I might be in the same situation someday
-- it's not that she hates you, it's just that you can't really feel
like your home is a refuge -- or really YOURS -- anymore. I
hope other readers might have good suggestions. I guess what
I would do, and this might be dysfunctional, is to find another place
to "hang out." Like a safe, beautiful garden in back of a church,
or a bookstore -- any quiet place, some private place that maybe you
could spend an hour or two by yourself every day (or the days you
can manage to get away). The gym is good, too. Even a
quiet coffeehouse. You could go in and read, and sip a drink
at your leisure and just decompress. You just have to have a
quiet, private place SOMEWHERE. If it's not at home, maybe it
has to be somewhere else.
I guess you do have the option of having a talk with her, but I sense
that you're a kind person, and would hate to hurt her feelings in
any way. It would take some skill to be able to figure out a
kind way to discuss this with her. (And, speaking of kind, it's
kind of you to open your home to her! Not everyone would do
that.) Maybe the other readers will have ideas -- I think I'd
be absolutely stumped. Is your husband stumped, too? It's
a tough one. I bet there've been thousands and thousands of
women who have gone through what you're going through (and, I very
likely will be one of them, too, someday; I think there's a
good chance my MIL will live with us in our small house, and I will
feel EXACTLY as you do).
Best of wishes to you. I'll be thinking of you. At least
you have this website to "vent" if you need to.
7/13
RESPONSE: response to "Doesn't Enjoy Being Home Anymore"--
How does your husband fit into this? Maybe one solution would
be the two of you going out together fairly often. For a drive,
for a walk -- you wouldn't even need to spend money. I know
it would be embarrassing having a fight in front of her! Maybe,
if the two of you could get away together, it would help a lot.
You said she's healthy, so she doesn't need to have you with her all
the time. Is that a possibility? Best wishes!
7/13
RESPONSE: in response to "No longer enjoys home"
I really do feel for you. I just got out of a 3 year living
arrangement with my mil. I can't even imagine what might have
happened if it had continued. I asked her to move. It
basically came down to her or me. Luckily for me, my husband
supported me in getting her out. What is your relationship like
now with your dh? Is he content with the way things are?
Is he aware how his mother is affecting you?
You mention that if you had the money, you might consider moving out.
Is it only the money that is stopping you?
I don't know what your relationship is like with your dh. But,
it sound to me that getting some marriage counseling couldn't hurt.
However, you may have one of those husbands that thinks there isn't
a problem. Sounds to me like you have a lot of thinking to do.
Does it seem like you're wasting your life? If you were told
you had 6 months to live, would you change what you're doing now?
Start thinking about how you want your life to be, and change it.
I'd like to recommend a great book. Pulling your own strings by Dr.
Wayne W. Dyer.
Please don't think that I'm judging you. I just want you to
know that I never thought I could get out. But, I did, and I
know you can too if you try. Good Luck to you.
7/13
CONTINUATION: In response to: "No Longer Enjoy Home"
I'm the one that wrote this, and I thank everyone for their responses.
To answer a few additional questions: My husband understands
how I feel. He is tired of her being here, too. Although
he doesn't let it bother him as much. He has no idea, how to
remedy the situation either. She has no concept of how to budget
money. Her husband did all the bill paying, etc. In fact,
he didn't do such a wonderful job, either. When he passed away,
we had to file bankruptcy for her. So she also has no credit.
We're afraid that if we would find a place for her, we'd have to bail
her out financially. Someone mentioned not wanting to hurt her
feelings. You're right. That's a big part of it, too.
As for me ... I work 5 days a week, and go to the gym. I would
love to be at home more. Just, not with her. I do a lot
of crafts and do-it-yourself projects. So, I used to enjoy being
at home as much as possible. Now, I just feel like I'm being
constantly watched. I hate that. Every time I do a project,
she's watching me ... "What are you doing now?" Sometimes,
I just go in our room and sit there. I'm so tired of not having
any time alone. Someone else said that it was either going to
be her or me. That's about what it's come to. BTW ... I'm only
in my 40's. I talked to a man at work the other day. He's
in his 70's, and has had his MIL living with him for 17 years.
He walks by me now and says, "Get out now, before the old lady suffocates
you". Now, that's a comforting statement.
7/14
RESPONSE: Response to the second entry of the writer
of "Doesn't Enjoy Being Home Anymore"--
I wrote one of the earlier responses, and, after reading your second
entry, I feel even sadder, and even more frantic for you. I
think it's because I can relate to you so much -- my MIL doesn't hate
me, either, and will very likely live with us someday -- and I, like
you, am very much a homebody, and love to be at home -- I don't go
to the local fairs, fireworks, etc. -- I like to stay home and work
on crafts, the garden -- I love being home. To have her invade
this haven -- especially if you really loved your home in the past
-- must be anguish for you.
I feel terrible for you. Now I have more extreme (but probably
not very helpful!) responses, like, "Have her admitted to the County
Home," and, "Well, maybe it would be just such a huge relief to you
to get away from her -- and if you and your husband don't see a way
to help HER get an apartment -- you (the financially responsible one
who COULD handle that responsibility) might be happier if you DID
get an apartment somewhere."
I don't know. Those are probably very unhelpful, knee-jerk reactions.
Wacky. I'm thinking, if you did move out, really kindly telling
her that you need privacy, just some quiet time alone (but making
sure you invite your husband and son, privately, to come and visit
you) -- it sounds crazy, but maybe just getting away would be a HUGE
relief to you. (Now the other readers will DEFINITELY think of more
sensible options -- that's probably a real codependent, extreme one.
But if she's sweet, and you hate to hurt her feelings, it's just so
tough.) Maybe your announcing to the family -- kindly and peacefully
-- that you've found a place (even a ROOM!) and are going to move
there for a while -- might shake things up and cause the rest of the
family to come up with a solution that is fairer to you. But,
sometimes fair isn't as important as just having RELIEF from a situation
that seems almost unbearable.
7/16
RESPONSE: Response to the second entry of the writer
of "Doesn't Enjoy Being Home Anymore:
I grieve for what you're going through, and want to thank you for
the cautionary tale you've shared with the rest of it. Somebody
summed it up on this website recently by saying something like, "Think
long and hard before letting your in-laws move in." Maybe you're
saving others from ending up going through what you're going through.
You have my heartfelt sympathy, that's for sure, and I'm sure I'm
not the only one who will be keeping you in my thoughts, and sending
you good wishes -- and checking back to see how you're doing.
7/16
RESPONSE: Response to "No longer enjoy home"
You poor dear!! You must get this little lady out of your home.
You are too young to feel like you are tied down in a nursing home.
You need to talk with your hubby and tell him that other arrangements
must be made. Don't feel guilty. This is your life, and
you need to live it in a way that you are comfortable with.
This situation could put a strain on anyone. Hang in there,
and get her out before you lose your sanity!!!
7/17
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I am so glad that I found
this site, to know that I am not alone in my difficulties with my
MIL. My H and I have been living together for 7 years and married
for 4 1/2 years. My H's relationship with me was his first serious
relationship, and my MIL just could not handle the fact that he now
has a strong connection to a woman other than her. Thankfully, she
lives on another continent, but this did not prevent her from calling
my H every night when we first lived together. During these
telephone conversations, she kept begging him not to stay with me,
telling him that he couldn't trust me and that he should not base
his decision to stay in this country on his relationship with me.
When he refused to budge, she asked him how he could live with "that
face", which presumably referred to my face. She also continually
criticized my clothing, etc. That just blew me away! I
have always been complimented on my appearance, and I am satisfied
with the way I look. But for a few years, I really became uncertain
and insecure about my appearance. I still am insecure about
it when I am around MIL and the rest of my husband's family.
Over the years, my MIL has repeatedly told my husband, while I was
present, that he should not base his decisions regarding where he
wants to live, and his job prospects, on his relationship with me,
because our marriage may not last. My husband and I have a wonderful
relationship. We are soul-mates and best friends, and we truly
feel fortunate to have found each other. When one of my H's
aunts commented that our match was "one in a million" my MIL burst
into tears and ran from the room.
Over the years, my MIL has never missed an opportunity to attack me,
or my relationship with my H. She takes every occasion during
which she can talk privately with my H to caution him, and to try
to put a wedge between us. My H is aware of this, and is very
supportive of our relationship. We have jointly made the decision
that he does not want to see his mother alone until she stops this
behavior.
My MIL is independently wealthy, and lives an extravagant lifestyle.
She thinks that everyone who is not able to afford her lifestyle is
inferior. This woman did not even complete Grade 12. I
am a professional with two university degrees, and I earn a very good
income. My husband has gone back to school and is completing
a PhD. I am proud of the fact that I can support us during this
time, and that we can afford a relatively good lifestyle. My
MIL claims that my H cannot stand up to me because I make the money,
and that he would assert himself more if that wasn't the case.
My H is not a pushover, and he simply laughed at the suggestion.
My MIL has tried to use her money to separate us. We live in
a very expensive City. She once offered to buy us a house in
one of the best neighborhoods, but only on the condition that the
house would be owned jointly by my H and her. I guess I was
supposed to be a tenant. My H and I nixed that idea. We
have decided that we would rather make it on our own than get involved
in joint ownership with MIL.
My MIL has claimed a right to spend two hours a day alone with my
husband whenever we visit her. We have to fly for 12 hours to
see her. I do not feel that comfortable going out alone in the
places where she lives. The first time it happened, she dumped
me for three hours in the middle of a foreign city, without any cash.
This was unexpected, and I felt embarrassed to tell her that I did
not have any foreign currency in my wallet. I was left to wander
a dark foreign City in the middle of winter until I felt that I had
given MIL the time she had allotted to herself.
My H has decided that he does not want to spend time alone with MIL
until she learns to not attack our relationship. She maintains
that I am manipulating my H into this. I am happy that he has
made this decision, but I did not in any way ask my H to include me
in all of his conversations with MIL. I told MIL that it is
up to my H, but that I am not comfortable with the fact that she always
wants to discuss my relationship with my H when she talks to him alone.
She claims that, as a DIL, it is my duty to send my H to her, and
that it is her right to discuss our relationship. She reminds
me that she has known my H for almost 40 years, while I have only
known him for 7 years . . .
In the meantime, my H's brother and his wife are the model son and
DIL. They have two small children, but live in different countries
and see each other for one week out of the month. MIL loves
this, because it allows her to see her son more often than his wife
does. She has paid for and decorated their whole house.
My SIL did not have any input in decorating decisions, and she is
practically a guest in the house when she sees her husband.
This is the type of relationship my MIL feels comfortable with.
My H and I think it is unhealthy and a little strange, but the whole
rest of his family thinks it is absolutely acceptable.
I feel guilty, in that I don't encourage my H to spend time alone
with MIL. In the ideal world, I would like to feel relaxed and
comfortable about my H's interactions with MIL. Right now, I'm
just leaving things up to my H. I have told him that I would
accept it if he wants to spend time alone with MIL, no questions asked.
He says he is not comfortable spending time with her alone right now,
and he has told MIL that the decision is his, not mine.
I would like to hear from women in a similar position. Any suggestions
on how to deal with MIL?
7/11
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Similar
Position" in your response.
RESPONSE: Similar Position
My husband endured these kind of "talks" for months, when we were
engaged, before he finally got fed up with the tantrums and put his
foot down. And, it made all the difference. It's HE who
has to step up to her and let her know that this kind of nonsense
will not be tolerated anymore. Those kind of "talks" are for
her benefit only - so she gets her way. There's no love or concern
in those "talks" - only selfishness. It's his mother,
so he needs to step up to her and defend you and your marriage.
If there were more men like my husband, I believe there would have
less miserable DILs.
7/13
RESPONSE: Similar Position:
I have had the same problem. I wrote "Crusading Mother in law".
When my daughter was younger, MIL would call her and ask her for my
schedule for the week. I found out later what she was doing.
My daughter casually mention it, not realizing what MIL was doing.
She said, "Oh, Grandma always calls and gets your schedule."
That way, she would come and visit when I was working. My husband
and I used to not get along after she would leave. He was always
on edge. She only wants the time alone to talk about you.
Otherwise, it wouldn't matter if you were there or not. If she
truly loves your son she will welcome his family. I cannot believe
the MIL's that have the control problem. They just can't give
up their sons. My daughter is married, and we welcome the whole
family. We don't set aside time to talk about our son in law.
If there is one thing we can learn from these controlling sickos is
how to be a good in-law. Good luck to you, and don't let her
ruin what you and your husband have built between you.
7/15
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Working Women Don't Have Wives