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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 8/12/00
<--Previous Archive
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My MIL and SIL ruined
my entire engagement and my wedding from day one. These two
woman have never welcomed me with open arms or made any attempts to
get to know me. I shall share only one of my stories with you.
My bridal shower was to be a surprise. I usually know the things
happening around me because I am very involved in the lives of the
people I love. My mother and bridesmaids had done an amazing
job putting this shower together without me knowing. I was,
unknowingly one week, away when I had to entertain Mother's Day dinner
at my MIL house. When we arrived, I saw nicely written in big
black letters on the kitchen calendar "REGINA'S BRIDAL SHOWER
4 pm." There it was, my shower, written on the calendar
for me to see. When I reacted, and my H did as well, with anger
that I found out, you know what that witch said, "That is what
calendars are for, dear, to write things on." As if she would
forget, or could she have taken the calendar down that day, or perhaps
written 4pm meeting of some sort. "I think you wanted to know
dear." No, she wanted to ruin my day, as she has all through
the wedding. Is it that they send these woman to school to learn
how to be mean, or does it just come to them naturally? The
coldness never ends!!!!!!
8/7
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If only I had my MIL's
problem: lots of free time on her hands to do whatever she wants!
How hard it is for me to sympathize with her laments about being bored
-- like it's a problem I'm supposed to fix for her, and she tries
to guilt and manipulate me into it (or, at least, I suspect that sometimes).
She asks for suggestions, but there's always an excuse: she can't
go and visit her friends because she doesn't want to put mileage on
the car; she doesn't want to get a job because she doesn't want anyone
else to set her hours for her. But she's bored. I think
she'd like to sit and talk and while away the days, but I'm too busy!
I feel like suggesting, devilishly, "Gee -- that's a REAL problem.
I'm so sorry! Have you ever thought of taking up DRINKING?!"
8/6
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I have a very long story,
but I'll try to condense it as much as possible. I met my wife
about 7 years ago, and we've just gotten married this summer.
3 years ago I moved to another state. When I moved away is when
we fell in love. Knowing her for 7 years, I know a lot of her
history. My wife is a middle child with an older sister and
younger brother. She experienced what I call "Cinderella
syndrome", where her mother treated her more like she was an
adopted stepchild. She was ignored most of her life, and had
to watch while her older sister went to summer camps, and took dance
lessons, and was a cheerleader, and the list goes on and on.
My wife had to clean the house, do the dishes, and do the family's
laundry while her sister watched television and lazed around the house.
This went on even after high school, where she had to put herself
through college. SIL had a fully paid college career.
3 years ago I started dating my wife . 2 years ago is when things
really started to change with her mother. My wife moved down
to my new state to complete her internship. This is when my
MIL all of a sudden wanted her back home, and missed her very much.
Just like in Cinderella! MIL was losing control over her daughter.
When we were planning our wedding, she donated a very small sum, and
wanted to have total control of the wedding. My family donated
twice as much and didn't have one ounce of input. If you could
imagine, our wedding became my MIL's wedding. My best man even
made the comment, "Your MIL is having a beautiful second wedding!"
This woman is the most selfish person I have ever met! She does
have a husband, but he has no backbone. He submits to her every
need. I can tell that he is scared to feel her wrath!
Anyway, during the reception, my MIL & FIL made plans with my
father to come down to my new state to visit us together. The
latest news is that she doesn't want my Dad coming down because she
wants to spend time alone with her daughter. On top of this,
she wants me to tell my father! NO WAY! She can tell him
herself so he can truly see.
8/6
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This is the greatest web
site!! Here is just a glimpse of my MIL. She did not say
a word to me at our wedding. Her dress was a disgrace, everyday
make-up, and her hair was AWFUL! She spent the whole time at
our reception, outside smoking. The next day, she had a brunch
for her family -- not even bothering to invite my parents who put
on a beautiful dinner reception for 400 people. Did I mention
that his parents didn't pay a dime for our wedding, and we paid for
the Rehearsal Dinner because she was whining because she didn't like
the restaurant we picked. I thought things would getter better
after the wedding. She still doesn't speak to me. When
she sees my H, it is like the King has arrived, and I don't even get
a "hello". I have always been good about having my H call his
parents one time a week, and offering to have them over for dinner.
But, I have reached my breaking point!! I have decided that
I will no longer attend his family's functions, or have them over,
until I am treated with respect. We'll see what happens.
Thanks for the venting session.
8/6
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My boyfriend and I have
lived together for about 2 years now, and things usually go along
pretty well. Recently, however we had a rocky time, ending with
him going home to his mother's for the night. Of course he didn't
TELL me he was going, but it wasn't hard to figure out. When
I called there in the morning I was rather nonchalant and pleasant
to his Mom, but the response was decidedly chilly. I was gruffly
told, "HE'S SLEEPING!" When I said I really needed to speak
with him I was told, "I'LL LEAVE HIM A NOTE." Well, I have
to admit that I got annoyed, as this woman is very controlling and
rather haughty in her attitude towards everyone except her immediate
family. I told her I needed my keys and would be up to pick
them up. She then told me she didn't want me on her property,
and she would leave them outside. I said fine. I left
work, drove the very short trip to her house ... no keys ... no car
... no answer. I drove down to the little store where she works
and asked why she didn't leave my keys as she had said. I also
reminded her that this was really between my man and I, and if she
had just put him on the phone this could have been avoided.
At this point she got very angry, as I said that I would get my property,
and if it meant getting the police to help then that's what I'd do.
And that's what I did. The local trooper understood, and asked
if my boyfriend would be a problem, and I assured him that HE is not
the problem, it's the domineering mother. End of story ... The
police called, my boyfriend waited for me with my keys, told me no
note was ever left for him and he wanted to come home. It was
a silly fight to start with. As for mommy dearest ... He's angry
and embarrassed at her behavior (he listened to the conversations
on the answering machine) and mom has put another wedge between herself
and her son. It's sad and foolish. She already lost contact
with a daughter years ago for similar reasons.
The thing is, I have always been the one trying to encourage a better
relationship between them, and have NEVER done anything to her.
I sent her a note explaining my feelings and how she is pushing us
away. I think that she is very lonely and bitter, and would
really like her son home again to be her emotional partner like before
we met. I feel bad, but I'm not going away and I won't be pushed.
P.S. This is not the first manipulation she's pulled.
Guilt is her specialty, and she seems to think her "protection" is
needed. My boyfriend is 40!
8/6
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My problem is one that
I am not comfortable admitting to. My DH and I have been together
for 2 years. When I met his family at the beginning of our relationship
I went to a lot of trouble to be pleasing and friendly to them, as
I wanted them to approve of their son's choice (we were very much
in love). Since I went to so much trouble, and really worked
at being charming and interested in them, my efforts were successful
and they ended up being bowled over by me. Now, unfortunately,
we are married and I want to focus on my man, but his family is, and
has been since the beginning, too interested in us and our progress
to leave us alone. His sister is finishing high school, and
does not have a great social life, just some steady friends.
She has gotten into the habit of dropping by during the week and plonking
herself on our couch for the evening. At first I thought it
was curiosity on her part about our new life (we did not live together
before getting married and started off together in a new apartment).
The SIL is still coming by two years later, and I am getting ready
to scream if it does not stop. His parents also live quiet lives
(dull, dull, dull). They seem to think that their entertainment
in this world has now expanded, because they can just ask themselves,
"Wonder what the KIDS are doing?" and then either pick up the
phone or send their daughter over to find out. Once, I picked
up the phone, and after I said hello my DH's father's voice boomed
out "six o-clock!", to which I (getting annoyed) asked, very politely,
"pardon me???" and he said "that's what time we expect you two to
come on over, GOODBYE!" He laughed (such a funny guy) and then
hung up. So, me being a chicken and still wanting them to like
me, I got my DH to phone him back saying we had other plans.
One part of the problem is that my DH also wants to please his parents
as they are "good people", salt-of-the-earth types, and
he does not want to hurt or disappoint them. I feel like they
have infiltrated our lives too much.
8/6
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Did you see the e-mail
version of "Dear Abby" on August 3rd? One entry was from a MIL
whose son and DIL visited for a week, but when she asked her DIL to
help clear the table, the DIL walked away indignantly.
I feel bad for the MIL, in a way. I know a lot of the DILs who
write to this website would have willingly pitched in. I know
I would have. But the problem is, when my husband and I visit
my in-laws, just the contrast in the way she treats us. She
treats him like a king, and gushes over him, and urges him to be comfortable
and watch TV. And, then, I'm supposed to pitch in and work.
I don't mind the work itself, but it's kind of annoying that my husband
is treated like an honored guest, and not expected to lift a finger
to help!
I don't know. Maybe THAT'S why the DIL was annoyed -- the preferential
treatment her MIL showed the son. MILs really have to be careful
of this! I know some of it has to be traditional sex roles (i.e.
kitchen work is "women's work"), but I think a MIL who either asked
the son to help -- or both of them -- not just the DIL, while the
son gets treated like a king -- would get big friendship points from
her DIL!
8/4
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I have been seeing my boyfriend
for about 2 years now, and we have been living together for a year
and a half. His sister was pregnant, and went to a city about
10 hours drive away to have an emergency birth. One night at
about 8 o'clock my man's mother called and I answered the phone.
She proceeded to tell me to get my man now, and when I asked if his
sister was ok, and everything, she told me it's none of my g*dd*mn
business and to get him now. After I got him out of the shower
and brought him to the phone she then put the happy little nice act
on and told him all about the baby, and his sister, etc., etc.
This was just the beginning. She refused to tell me any details
about the baby, even though she had told my next-door neighbor the
day before (whom she hardly knew!) and when she asked for my man to
go visit her and his sister, 10 hrs drive or 600 dollars away, we
were stunned! They'd be back the next week! As we both
are only starting out, we just couldn't afford it, and had to tell
her. She then started on him, telling him that I spend all his
money, and I'm a money hungry b*tch (never minding that I earn more
than he does) and so on, and so on. The next occurrence was
when she said she (and the rest of his family) were moving to another
state, and she wanted him to go. He asked me if I would go with
him (upon his mothers suggestion), but I explained that I couldn't,
as my job, house, etc. was here. After he told her that he didn't
want to leave, as I couldn't go, she bought him a plane ticket to
the town, arranged for a removal truck, and paid bond, etc., on a
house for him there!!!! All without his prior knowledge!
Is that a craic or what? Also, whenever we visit, she comments
on his wrinkled work clothes (he's a mechanic) and offers to iron
them properly! She also insists that he come home for 3 nights
a week to get a "decent meal", and doesn't invite me! She's
also very nice to me if my man is around, and tends to deny anything
offensive or nasty she says. Who is he to believe?
What do you think about this? Am I being ridiculous? Or
is she making my life hell?
8/1
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Who
Is He To Believe?" in your response.
RESPONSE: re: "Who is he to believe?"
YOU! That's who. It sounds like a clear-cut case of a
mom who refuses to let go. My MIL is like that too. She
doesn't say those types of things to me or to my H (at least, not
that I KNOW of ...) but she does insinuate those things. She
made a point of telling me (a few times), "My kids all know that they
can ALWAYS come home." I felt as if she were trying to tell
me, "YOU may be here for now, but I will ALWAYS be here - remember
that!"
All her kids have moved out, and her oldest is about to become my
husband. She can't deal with it. I kind of felt bad for
her at first, because my hub-to-be and his siblings all left home
within the same year, and then he and I announced our wedding.
But she has taken the "Poor me" thing WAAAAAAAAY too far. She
brings it up all the time, to anyone within earshot, clearly because
she wants everyone to feel sorry for her. I'm so tired of it.
Mothers of sons are the worst! Your MIL sounds like mine, can't
deal with the fact that her son has another woman in his life, a woman
who knows that man better than she ever will. That is one of
the things that lifts me back up when she's upsetting me, etc.
I know that, no matter what she does or says, or what she thinks of
me, I know that I have a much closer and stronger bond with my man
than she ever had, or ever will have. (I think she would try to tear
my head off if she ever heard me say that, too!)
It sound like your MIL is unbelievably and uncontrollably jealous.
SHE wants to be the one who does things for him, the ironing, cooking,
laundry, cleaning, etc. I wonder if that's why all of the MIL's
that we all write about act this way? They are severely jealous
of the fact that we are closer to their sons than they will ever be,
and so they hate/resent us for that.
8/4
RESPONSE:
It doesn't matter who he should believe. You are not married,
yet, and I think you should run as fast as you can. Your situation
will NEVER get better. It will definitely get worse. Help
him pack his bags, and let him be with his family. Life is short,
and you will find a new man with a family who will love you for who
you are. I love my husband and my kids with all my heart, but
if I could do it over again I would have called off the wedding.
8/4
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I have been reading the
stories from this site for a while now. Thanks to all of you
for writing them - it does help to know that someone understands what
you're going through. I am anxious for advice and will appreciate
anything you have to say in response to my story.
I am in my late 30's, my husband is in his early 40's, and my MIL
is in her late 60's. We have been married for 1 year now, and
it's been a tough one, mostly because of disagreements on the "MIL
topic".
Let me start with some descriptions.
My husband is the only son. His mom and dad are divorced for
almost 30 years. He is her life. She has a brother and
sister in the same city where we live, but doesn't talk to them.
She doesn't have any friends. She doesn't want to be around
other people (even when she's with my husband). She doesn't
get along with people because she has a very "sharp tongue". And she's
always whining and complaining, and therefore very unpleasant to be
around.
Now, about my husband - he's an absolutely fabulous guy. Only
one problem: he becomes someone else when he's around his mom.
He denies it. He says I AM different around his mom - she feels
it, he feels it, and therefore he's getting mad at me, and there it
goes ... No matter what happens - I am at fault. He even said
a few times that he suggests we get divorced until she dies and then
live happily ever after.
Now, about me. I love him very, very much, and treasure our
relationship greatly. I am really trying to ignore her "unique
humor", but can't. I get upset over her remarks or behavior,
and my husband gets mad at me because he doesn't find anything wrong
with it. He says any other person would not react like I do.
Another detail - we're going to live together now. We bought
a big house so it will be enough space for everyone. I don't
know if there is anything big enough for us to live under the same
roof. We both are very opinionated people, and disagree on a
lot of things. She thinks that no one can cook, or decorate,
or whatever as well as she does. I want certain things my way
because I believe that a house is supposed to reflect personality,
and I want to feel that I, too, live there. She takes it as
if her opinion doesn't count and she's unwelcome.
My biggest concern is to live around a person who's never happy, and
I mean never! She always finds something wrong and it reflects
my mood and my behavior greatly. I am aware of these changes,
and truly wish it didn't happened, but my husband thinks that I am
not trying, that I'm picking on her, and it's all up to me.
He also thinks I am jealous, that he treats her exceptionally well,
and always tries to accommodate her needs, which often affects me,
but in his mind it's OK because I'm younger. To him, everything
comes to my disrespect for her.
I probably bored you enough already, but I wanted to offer just one
example from last week. We came to her over for dinner. When
we came she was watching a game show, and the first thing she said
was, "This guy just won 36,000, unlike you ..." I didn't
like it, but went to the bathroom quietly. My husband replied
that we could have made some money on selling her place if she didn't
scare off the buyers (he bought a condo for her last year, and is
selling it now because she can't handle living alone anymore).
She took it as an offense, and they argued for a while. I didn't
say a word, and continued being silent while we started with a meal,
telling myself to not get involved no matter what. In a few
minutes my husband asked why I was not talking, and I responded that
it upsets me when people around me are arguing. He asked then,
"Are you afraid to say something that might become your fault?"
I said that "yes, that too". After we finished with
soup his mom went to the kitchen to get ready with the second course.
He went to the TV, and I went to the balcony. He came on me
furiously, asking why I left the table, and why I was not talking
to mom - she hadn't done or said anything bad to me. I said
I was upset and needed a few minutes to get to my usual self.
He went back to the table and started yelling at me that I was treating
his mom in a disrespectful way, trying to stir up scandal instead
of trying to bring them to peace, and that he'll start treating my
parents the same way and see how I like it. I left for a walk
with no desire to listen to that, very offended. We had long
talks after, and he still thinks I have evil intentions towards his
mom, that I hate her for no reason and she feels it, and we are all
miserable because of it.
I really don't know what to do. I am very scared of what's coming.
I feel that I'm losing my husband. I know there is a possibility
for all of us to live together, and happily, but the way I feel it's
not all up to me. How can I react to things differently - I
am not a machine, I feel what I feel. I want to be happy, I
want my husband to be happy, and I want my MIL to be happy too.
My husband and I are happy and don't usually argue about anything
but HER. She's never happy and I seriously doubt we can change
it. She won't change. Does it means our happiness has
no chance? Does it mean our moving together is just speeding
the things up toward .. ? (I'm even afraid to say the word "divorce").
Any of your thoughts will be greatly appreciated. I can't wait to
here from you. Please refer to this story as "Beginning
of the end???"
7/28
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Beginning
of the end???" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re: Beginning of the End -
Where were you when all these decisions to sell MIL's house and move
in with you were being made? My MIL is 67, she still works full
time and is very active. She doesn't need anyone, thankfully,
she is very independent. Why your husband thinks a woman in
her 60's needs to move in with him is beyond me. He's a Mama's
Boy with a capital MA, I think. If your husband doesn't value
your opinion then you'd better watch out. You've lived 30+ years
without him - are you willing to step aside while his mother becomes
his focus in your household. At the same time, other than your
MIL having a very negative attitude about life - which could very
well be some form of clinical depression - you haven't written that
she has done anything mean or negative to you. Some people have
foul personalities. If you don't think you can live with that,
then I suggest you say something to your husband now before you move
in together. If he ignores your wishes, you always have the
option to move on which I would think would be preferable to being
driven crazy. Or perhaps you can let him and his mother move
in together and you purchase your own condo elsewhere. I definitely
would not move in with his mother if I felt she would keep me in a
depressed state because of her personality. However, I feel
it is also possible to ignore a person's foul personality and look
at that as a trait, just like they have crooked teeth or foul breath.
The most important thing at this point is to get a back-bone and some
self-esteem. Any man that rushes up at you in anger needs to
be put in his place. Are you afraid of him? He would do that
maybe one time to me and his own mother couldn't save him after that.
That is so disrespectful and dangerous in my opinion. Also - he's
going to start treating your parents that way? Perhaps you have
a marriage away from his mother, but you don't have much of one around
her, and he plans to move you three in together.
7/29
RESPONSE: response to "beginning of the end"
Please don't do this! I just got out of a 3 year living arrangement
with my mil. You are right to be concerned about this.
It nearly cost me my marriage. We all thought it was a great
idea at the time. Her dh was sick and needed help. Well,
after dh passed away, she stayed with us. It was horrible what
she put me and dh through. It was so difficult to get our lives
back from her. She dictated what she wanted us to do.
It's all about control. Once you let her in your home she will
take over. I guarantee it will even be harder to get her out.
Even though your doing this with good intentions, it is not the right
thing to do. You have a right to a happy marriage and a life
of your own. Please, Please don't let her move in! Before
you do this, take some time to read this book called "Pulling
your own strings, by Dr.Wayne W.Dyer". If you don't have
time to read, just check out chapter 5, pages 102-133. It talks
about family and the absurdity of having to take garbage just because
they are family. Good Luck!
7/29
RESPONSE: Response to "Beginning of the End???"
It sounds like your husband has already left you for his mother.
My heart goes out to you, what a terrible way to live. I wonder
if you could get him to go to a marriage counselor. With a guy
who is loyal to his mother to this extent, a divorce might not be
a bad idea. I'm shocked that he would treat you in this manner.
Maybe HE should have waited until mommy passed on to look for love
and marriage. I don't think you're the one with the problem,
it's your husband.
7/29
RESPONSE: Re: "Beginning of the end?"
My heart really goes out to you. You have been put in a very
bad position, especially since your husband is refusing to see your
p.o.v. My advice to you would be to absolutely NOT allow your
MIL to live with you. That would be the worst possible thing
for your marriage. You and your husband need the space to build
your marriage and grow together. Since he is still so tied to
his mother, having her move in would cause a terrible battle of the
wills ... with a good possibility of you coming out the loser (especially
since your marriage is so new). Protect your marriage to that
man you love! Don't allow that woman to destroy it; don't allow
her to move in, even if you have to fight for that.
7/31
RESPONSE: Re: Beginning of the end?
You poor thing! It is so hard to deal with a MIL living outside
the house if she is a little "touched" as yours seems to be, but moving
her in is a huge problem. If you really love your husband you
will cope as best you can. Do not be surprised if this situation
drives you both either to therapy or to divorce court. There
really is no solution to the problem, since her craziness is reinforced
by your husband. Now that she is in, she will force you out,
unless you find ways to stake out your ground. I suggest you
face her down whenever she starts her stuff and look her in the eye
and tell her like it is. Stop leaving the room!!! You
own this house too. Do not allow your husband to act as go-between.
You're an adult too. Tell him to stay out of it.
7/31
RESPONSE: Dear Beginning of the End:
I hope you get a chance to read this, as I am posting my response
about three weeks after your question. While I agree with many
of the others who wrote that (a) you need to make it clear to your
husband that when he married you, YOU became his first priority, not
his mother (b) you should not allow her to move in with you and (c)
therapy would be a good idea -- trust me, it's a huge relief and often
you see results quickly --- I wanted to comment on why your husband
might be acting so poorly.
It is very likely that beneath the surface, he is just as displeased
with her behavior as you are ... only he can't express his anger at
her, because it might be too painful for him to confront her.
It may be too painful for him to even acknowledge to HIMSELF that
he has these negative feelings toward her.
So, when he hears you expressing what he would like to express himself,
but can't, due to some combination of fear and guilt, he gets uncomfortable
and scared, and reacts by lashing out at you. In effect, he
is punishing you for having the feelings he thinks are unacceptable
in himself. I think this phenomenon is one that most couple's
therapists can spot right off the bat. Hopefully, one can help
your husband realize that he is really angry at himself, and his wonderful
mother, more than he is at you.
Best of luck!
8/1 |
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Working Women Don't Have Wives