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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 8/19/00
<--Previous Archive
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Some MIL advice -- maybe you guys
can learn from my mistake! It's not serious, but I wish I'd
been wiser about this from the beginning. My MIL is a really
effusive, gushing person -- everything is just "WOOONNNNDERFUL."
She comes across as really nice and friendly -- not to say she ISN'T
those things -- and, early on in our relationship, I would open
up to her, tell her problems I had with people, with myself, etc.
Well, a word of advice: unless you have an unusually great MIL who
you've known and trusted for a LONG time -- DON'T OPEN UP TO HER
MUCH!! Because she's judging you -- she's not necessarily
on your side, the way your own mother might be. If you can't
say something nice about someone -- or have a secret that you only
want trusted people to know -- DON'T TELL HER!! No matter
how nice she seems at first. Give it time -- and if, after
five years, you really feel you can trust her, THEN open up to her.
I told my MIL about problems I'd had getting along with people,
etc., and now that I know her better and know how she is about other
people, I KNOW that she just blamed me for all of it. Sometimes
I think she's a very unsympathetic person to ANYONE, even her own
son -- she's only sympathetic to herself, but everyone else is totally
to blame for their problems. (But she has a bunch of problems
she puts on other people -- like she thinks the fact that she's
bored and lazy is a serious problem other people need to help her
with, and that she deserves a lot of sympathy for!) I should
have been a little less thick-headed, too -- and should have known,
when she said, "Well, I wonder what I'D think about that person"
-- implying that SHE would be able to get along fine with the people
I had problems with -- I should have known she wasn't really in
my corner -- that she wasn't exactly thinking of me with unconditional
positive regard. And she wasn't. She's very cool and
evaluating of people behind their backs. Now, I am very diplomatic
and superficial around my MIL.
8/9
RESPONSE: Re: Some MIL Advice.
You didn't ask for a response, but I just wanted to say YOU ARE
SO RIGHT!!!!!! I've experienced the same thing with my MIL.
I thought this woman would be the loving mother figure I never had.
I confided in her because I thought she really cared about me, and
I cared about her. She used all of it against me. We
are really different people, and I believe she sees her opinions
as right and mine are wrong. I realize that I am a good person.
I'm a wonderful person, and her opinion of me is viewed through
a prism of jealously. It's really sad, however, because I
really loved this woman and constantly told everyone how wonderful
she was. Little did I know she was just biding her time.
8/13
RESPONSE: Response to: Some MIL Advice
You said it! I feel the exact same way about my MIL!
I knew my h's family for years before we dated. On my wedding
day, I thought I was marrying into the most wonderful family!
I never dreamed what I was getting into.
I also thought my MIL was wonderful. She truly is a nice person,
and everyone that meets her ... loves her. It's when you get
to know her, really well. That's when the real "her" comes
out! I told her my innermost thoughts and dreams. I
thought she was my friend. I spent my weekends with her.
I spent dinners with her. Within months, she used it all against
me. I'm still not able to pull that knife out of my back!
That's why it hurts more than it probably should. I trusted
her. I believed her. My mistake!
8/15
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Ok, I have written before.
I wrote before about my MIL, how she has to control every situation
and be the center of attention or else. Well, it's that time
of year again, my husband's birthday. He's an only child.
My MIL has started with the phone calls 2 or 3 times a day.
My husband's birthday is Sunday. Well, she called and asked
me what my plans were for my husband's birthday. I told her
we were thinking of having a party but I wasn't sure, that my husband
had said he would like to go out, just the 2 of us, since we never
have any time alone (we have 3 kids). I said whatever he wanted.
Well, when I told her this she says, "WELL, I would like to see him
on the day I gave birth to him." Mind you, we had just spent
the last 2 weekends at her house for a supposed B-B-q, which, when
we got there she went for a ride with her friends while I cooked all
the food for the few people she did manage to guilt over there (one
other couple). So it's not like she never gets to see him, or
her grandchildren. But in her eyes that's not the point, she
truly feels like she is entitled to see him, simply because she gave
birth to him. I mean, my God! Also, I should tell you
my husband is turning 30, not 3. So anyway, we told her we were
going out together just the 2 of us overnight, we had a baby sitter
all booked. She calls the next day, Saturday, at 7:00 am and
starts in on my 11 year old daughter, "Is your dad there?
This is Grammy and I want to talk to him. I would like to see
him on his birthday because you know I was there for the first one."
My daughter comes in our room to tell me she was on the phone and
told Grammy daddy was sleeping, which we all were at 7:00 am on a
Saturday, and tells me what Grammy said to her. Obviously, this
infuriated me. She has no right to drag my 11 yr old into her
games. So I bit my tongue, woke up my husband, and gave him
the phone. She was talking so loudly I could hear her say, "What
is going on? Are you coming over tomorrow? I really would
like to see you on your B-day." He explained to her again
what our plans were.
8/12
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I've been married for
3 years, but have known / been with my husband and his family for
7. My husband and brother-in-law work on a fairly large family
farm; therefore, the FIL & MIL see their sons every single day
and get paid a weekly check from their parents. And, from June
to September we (the family farm) have a racing operation, and we
go racing every weekend, & at times are all together for up to
2 weeks straight! But, we enjoy racing because that is how my
husband & I met (I grew up racing & on a farm too).
So, they get to see them constantly!! However, we haven't been
on a vacation since our honeymoon, and they try to make their son
feel guilty about leaving for 4 days (during the off-season) to go
on a vacation. We went anyway, but why do they make there sons
feel this way?
What I'm about ready to say is what really upset me. I have
a racing business which I work out of our home. Our home is
in a subdivision. My MIL has gotten to know my neighbors, by
acting like she is supposed to water my plants and pick up packages
and check my email when I'm gone to race events -- I know this, because
my neighbors made some comments about it, since my neighbors were
the the ones that were to water & take care of these duties while
I was gone. I never have asked my MIL to do any of those things.
She might suggest it, but I say, "NO," that it is already
taken care of (anyway, if I did say yes, all she would do is complain
about how busy she is and how she has to take care of things for me).
Well, this is what happened the other day at my home -- I was in the
office, I hear a knock on the door, so I go to the front door, no
one was there. As I turn around, my MIL just steps into my kitchen
from the side door that goes to the garage (the garage door was up
-- I'm in & out because of my business at home) and she smiles
as if what she has done was not wrong, and she asks me if I know if
my neighbors are home? I said, "I don't know." She
sees that I'm upset and asks me what is wrong and I flat out tell
her what was wrong.
8/10
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This story, in its entirety,
is relocated here from last week's stories due to recent receipt of
a new response:
Help! Yesterday (30th JULY!) my MIL came over for dinner, and
ruined a great evening by asking us to have her sister to stay for
Xmas. Last year her sister stayed with DH's sister, and our
nieces told us recently that she wound their family up so much that
she wouldn't be invited there again for Xmas - so we have been asked
to have her. But it's not just her, MIL expects to come too!
For the past few years we have had Xmas with my family (as we both
get along with them and, frankly, prefer spending our time with them)
and have never had an invite to go spend Xmas at their gathering.
So it seems a bit sick that, because theirs didn't go according to
plan last year, we get stuck with it this year. So far we have
left it that my DH and I will discuss the possibility, and so now
I am frantically searching for reasons why we shouldn't do this -
this will only be our 2nd Xmas married, and I don't want to get into
a routine at this stage of our lives so it becomes a habit for future
years, and therefore expected. Has anyone else's MIL started
planning Xmas for the family as early as mine this year? And
how do I get out of this one?
Any ideas out there? Please respond.
7/31
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Xmas
Early???" in your response.
RESPONSE: In response to "XMAS EARLY???"
Yes, as a matter of fact, and can even top your MIL. My MIL
has not only planned Xmas early, but she has planned EVERY future
Xmas, and she has so graciously planned every future Xmas for EVERY
family member. By this, I mean that she has said (repeatedly!)
that no matter where every one her kids live or what they are doing,
for the rest of their lives they are to be home (meaning HER home)
at Christmas. She has recently imposed the same law on her brother,
who plans to move out of state.
My DH (her oldest son) and I are getting married this year, so this
will be our 1st Xmas together. We are going to spend it with
both our families, like we did last year (half the day at her house,
the other half with my family). We can't make everyone happy
ALL of Xmas day, so we try to make most of them happy for half the
day.
But next Xmas (2001) we are going to spend Xmas with my DH's father
and his wife, and they live out of state. We were originally
going to go see them for Thanksgiving, but we switched it to Christmas,
mostly to SET THE PRECEDENT NOW that we are not going to be told by
anyone where and with whom we will spend Christmas. This may
not sound like a big deal to anyone reading this, but believe me,
for 2 reasons, it is going to cause a big fight when we tell her that
"No, this year we are spending Xmas with dad". Reason 1) her
son will not be "home" for Christmas. Reason 2) her son will
be with his father and step-mother, both of whom she despises, for
Christmas.
I really cannot believe the nerve of this woman, actually telling
everyone where they HAVE to spend Christmas! Well, I got news
for her ... her son has a wife now, and this wife is absolutely NOT
going to be told where to go, what to do, and whom to spend the holidays
with. My (soon to be) husband and I are reasonable, fair people,
and we try to make situations easy when we can, but no way in hell
are we going to be "told" what to do. MY home doesn't work that
way.
And, since next year will only be our second "married" Christmas (just
like yours ...) we are doing just as I said, setting the precedent
now. My MIL is going to have to deal with the fact that we aren't
always going to be in HER house ON Christmas day. Instead of
her thinking that she can "tell" us what to do, we are simply going
to TELL her what we are doing. If she doesn't like it, there's
not much we can do about it. She is just going to have to deal
with it. We can't make everyone happy.
So, I suggest that you put your foot down now, before you find yourself
catering to your in-laws for years to come. They may not like
it, but like I said, everyone isn't going to be happy all the time.
8/1
RESPONSE: In response to "Xmas Early???",
I had to laugh, because MY mom and I were talking about this yesterday
(8/8). I have to start with a story first ... My H and I have
2 little children, and I was raised traditionally, spending xmas day
at home with MY immediate family. It was wonderful. We
ran around Xmas even to visit people. My H's family isn't close
at all, they all talk negatively about each other when the other leaves
the room, its disgusting and sad. I can't stand going over there.
His mom expected everyone last year to be there at 10am xmas day (or
so my H says, I never know who's telling the real story with his side
of the family). I lost it, and told my H WE were not going over
there until later that day and he can if HE wants to, but the kids
had toys to play with. I wanted a relaxing Xmas, and to boot,
MY dad and step mom were in town staying at our house! Totally insensitive
people I am dealing with all the time here. Anyway, so we ended up
staying home 'til around lunch and my dad and step mom went to my
grandparents for the evening, and we went by my MIL's house.
I sat there, dumbfounded, watching these people. No one says
hello when people arrive, no one kisses and hugs when people leave,
and you're lucky to get a verbal "goodbye" at all. I was raised
so differently in a very affectionate family and I'm always stunned
visiting his relatives. I hate it. They don't even hug
and kiss our boys, they are so weird. However, I bite my tongue
the entire time I'm there just because I love my husband and I chose
to live my life WITH him, not them. I have to deal with them
at times, but I can regulate how much time "I" spend with them. His
sister is the biggest hag of all, if there's nothing in it for her,
she doesn't come around. She is self-centered with NO self esteem,
a deadly combination for anyone to have to deal with! In response
to your story, there isn't a whole lot you can do except try to get
your H to view the FACTS, and only the FACTS.
8/10
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PLEASE HELP!
I am a newlywed of only one month. My husband and I dated for
2 1/2 years before marrying, and things were wonderful between my
now MIL and I during that time. I was so excited to be building
such a wonderful relationship with her, UNTIL my husband proposed
to me and we began planning the wedding -- it was all downhill from
there. Now, you have to understand that my MIL and her husband
(my husband's step father) live in another state, as well as my husband's
only sibling, a sister, who is certainly to blame for the tension
between my MIL and I. When my husband and I began planning the
wedding, one of my first suggestions to him was that I ask his sister
to be a bridesmaid. Despite the fact that I had only met her
once, I knew she and my husband were very close and he would probably
like for her to be a part of our big day. He said "No, you should
have people stand beside you whom you are close to and who mean the
most to you." He didn't think it was necessary. The subject
was dropped and I thought everything would be just fine. Little
did I know, that "I" would have to pay for that decision probably
for the rest of my life. Over the holidays, we visited my MIL
and SIL for the first time since our engagement; things were completely
different, and I was treated like an intruder that didn't belong.
Neither of them spoke two words to me; I was devastated!
I had no idea what was going on, and my fiancé, at the time, was pretty
oblivious to it, because there were so many other people there.
I didn't say anything to him, until we began our journey home and
I started crying. I explained to him what had happened, and
his first response was that I must have read into something wrong.
He had convinced me of the same, and so I decided to let it go, and
test the waters and my imagination on our next visit. The next
visit came along, only it was just his SIL there, and I realized it
definitely was NOT my imagination. Once again, I bit my tongue,
and tried to "kill her with kindness" for the sake of my husband.
Once again, on our journey home I broke down. Only this time,
my husband believed me ... he was FURIOUS and very supportive of me,
and said he would approach her about it. Come to find out, she
was and still is mad at me because I didn't ask her to be in the wedding,
nor did I ask her two year old son to be our ring bearer. My
husband even explained that it was OUR decision, and she claimed he
was just trying to cover up for me. Six months later, at our
wedding, my SIL barely spoke to me, and I even caught her saying negative
things about me on video cameras that no one knew were hidden at our
wedding reception, to capture those candid moments. Talk about
a candid moment. As a result, my MIL has sided with my SIL and
treats me very poorly, and makes me feel as if nothing I do is good
enough. It's to the point where my SIL won't even call our home
to talk with my husband. They used to talk several times a week.
This makes me feel terrible, despite the fact that deep down I know
I've done nothing wrong. We haven't seen my MIL or SIL since
the wedding, and this coming weekend we are going to visit them all
for a family reunion. It literally makes me feel sick when I
think about what I'm going to have to deal with this weekend.
I am at my wits end! Killing her with kindness doesn't work,
I don't think confronting her is an option because of the way she
is. I don't know what to do; I never want to put my husband
in the middle or make him feel like he has to choose, but I'm tired
of being treated so poorly and feeling very unwelcome. Please
help! Any words of wisdom would be VERY MUCH appreciated before
I endure another miserable visit!
7/27
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Newly
Wed, Newly Scorned" in your response.
RESPONSE: response to "Newly Wed, Newly Scorned":
I also experienced a real change in attitude and behavior from my
(now) in-laws when my husband and I married. 20 years later,
looking back over a bumpy (but now smoothed out) road, my thoughts
are as follows ...
1. You do not have to follow anyone else's bidding with regards to
who you choose to stand up for you at YOUR wedding. Your MIL
and SIL are trying to control events, and if they get away with this
one you will be easy putty in their hands to manipulate in the future.
2. Lots of times people don't even realize they are trying to organize
and control others. It is just their instinct, and they will
deny it if confronted (but you should be able to smell it).
If they make you feel guilty that is a good clue ...
3. I would advise you to keep calm and collected in their presence.
Don't make your husband take sides, but make sure he DOES realize
that he did choose YOU. Remember that your goal is to get along
well with them, and even if it is only superficial, that is better
than what they are doing now.
4. Definitely take some time to be in a calm and quiet place before
seeing the in-laws, and memorize some phrase that helps you stay grounded
and repeat it like a mantra when you feel yourself starting to vibrate
in response to some snub from them. If you quietly accept their
attitude without trying to put them in the wrong (knowing that you
are going to get a way from them in a few hours or days) then in time
they could likely grow tired of trying to paint you as the villain.
Give them as little cause as possible to put you in a bad light (this
will mean having to bite your tongue a lot).
FINALLY, having hidden cameras at a wedding reception is one of the
worst ideas I have ever heard of, and you deserve to overhear the
worst said about you by doing that!!! Totally awful thing to
do!!! Good luck.
7/29
RESPONSE: Re: Newly Wed -
I most certainly would tell her that it was your husband's decision
not to include her, and tell them exactly what he said. I would
tell her that you wished that you had gone with your first instincts,
but you thought he knew best. Believe me, this has happened
several times with my husband's family. He does something stupid
- or doesn't do something, and I get blamed for it. That is
how some women are, and then they think that he's blameless.
Get your husband together with your new SIL - explain what happened.
Apologize for not going with your instincts, and say that you hope
that you all can start anew. Say that your husband loves her
very much, but he certainly needs to consult with her before making
any decisions that involve her. (Don't be surprised if she defends
him though.)
7/29
RESPONSE: Response to "Newly Wed, Newly Scorned":
I am sympathetic to your MIL issues - but I am appalled that you hid
cameras at your wedding. That's the sort of thing a MIL would
do!
8/4
CONTINUATION:
I am the author of the July 27 article entitled "Newly Wed, Newly
Scorned." I would like to clear up an issue that readers have
expressed some issues with. I mentioned some of the incidents
that took place at my wedding with my MIL and SIL. I also mentioned
that some things had been "caught on videotape" that my SIL said behind
my back at our wedding, by a "hidden camera." Just to set the
record straight, my videographers set up two video cameras during
my wedding reception that were set to be "out of the way" and were
unnoticeable. The purpose of the multiple cameras was for editing
footage for the videographers and to capture all angles of our reception
hall. We purchased the raw footage tapes from our wedding and
it just so happened that my SIL gossiped a little too loudly and her
voice came through on the video tape. In my opinion, she as
an adult should have the decency to keep her negative comments to
herself, particularly in a crowd full of my family and friends.
We in no way were expecting to capture THOSE kind of candid moments,
it was certainly not intentional. Nevertheless, that saying
"what goes around comes around" serves to be true in this case ---
she deserves to be caught!!!!!!!! She needs to learn that there
is an appropriate time and place for every comment and THAT was not
it. So, to those of you who were "appalled", maybe now you'll
be a little more understanding of the circumstances.
8/9
RESPONSE: In response to "Newly Wed, Newly Scorned",
I can totally sympathize with you. I am in the exact same situation
with only a few variables different of how your problem came to be
vs. mine. My SIL has had a problem with me since the day she
met me, and I always gave her the benefit of the doubt, its been 8
years now. I'm fed up. I want to say to her face, "Get
over it already, or stay the heck out of our lives," but I can't
because she is my H's sister, unfortunately. My mother is a
very observant, realistic, practical person who says it like it is,
no fantasies added. I confide in her all the time because she
sees things happen as they are with her own eyes. The only thing
we can conclude is she is JEALOUS. Jealous of what all exactly
I do not know. But only jealousy (that evil green thing, envy)
can produce such hate and ugliness toward another person, with no
good reason or facts to back it up. Obviously your MIL and SIL
have a lot of inner-self conflicts that have to do with you "taking
their son and brother" away from them, as they see it. I could
gag. At least your H is supporting you. Mine is spineless
when it comes to his mother and sister on my account. He seems
to still think I'm imagining things. I'm about ready to confront
everyone while we're in the same room. Then I think, "What
good would this do?" I just avoid them at all costs, and
eventually my husband will realize I haven't participated in their
functions for a long time, and will want to talk about it. Denial!
They are all in denial! Reality is a big thing for people to
face who DON'T see reality for what it is. They resort to the
place they know best, making themselves feel big by making others
(the you's and me's) feel less than. What is wrong with these
people? There are so many MIL's and SIL's out there who need
a good hit up side of the head to knock some sense into them.
Ugly hateful people. Unfortunately we love the men we chose
to marry, and have to deal with these wretched people.
8/10
CONTINUATION: "Newly Wed, Newly Scorned":
Thank you to the writer of response 8/10 from my article "Newly Wed,
Newly Scored"!! I really appreciate your support and advice.
You're ABSOLUTELY right!!!! My mother and I are VERY close as
well, and I discuss all of my issues (w/my SIL and MIL) with her,
as I avoid discussing them with my husband if at all possible.
She too has come to the conclusion that they are, for whatever reason,
extremely JEALOUS. I will never understand it, and I certainly
don't think the situation will improve; in fact, I see it only getting
worse. So, I'm trying desperately to just accept it and move
on. It makes me FURIOUS, and I think it's completely ridiculous,
but I have to bite my tongue, put a smile on my face, and continue
to "kill them with kindness" (as much as I hate it). I sympathize
with you -- hang in there!!!
8/11
RESPONSE: For Newly Married~Newly Scorned
The best thing you have going for you is that your husband is very
supportive of you. Most men would back down just to "keep the
peace" with mother. Don't beat yourself up over this.
Your personal relationship with husband is the most important, and
you are far ahead with this aspect of your marriage. It's bad
that you have to draw a line in the sand. But, look at it this
way, you sound like a very sensible and sensitive lady: if they
choose to act like children, you have no control over their behavior,
and they are shortchanging themselves by not getting to really know
you. They are the losers, not you. My m-i-l has an expression
she uses: You can pass and repass with them, but after that
the ball is in their court. It sounds like you've done your
best. Just keep your husband happy. If nothing else, his
family females will come to know how happy he is.
8/12 |
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Working Women Don't Have Wives