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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 8/26/00
<--Previous Archive
Next Archive -->
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My MIL is very conscious
about her appearance, and critical of others. One of my SIL's
used to weigh about 225 lbs. My MIL would always make remarks
to other people which included: "No wonder he (BIL) is no longer interested
in her, she's let herself go." Within a few years my SIL was
walking two miles every day and joined weight watchers. She
lost about 70-80 pounds. During a gathering, I said to my MIL
how good she looked. My MIL replied, "She is still bottom-heavy
and will probably always be." About two years ago, another SIL
lost about 50 pounds. Since then, this SIL has been more obnoxious
and too big for her britches. But, she has gotten nothing but
praise from my MIL and FIL. One time, my FIL made a remark to
my husband about the SIL that lost the 50 pounds, "Since (name) lost
all the weight and found religion, what is (my name) going to do?"
Both my FIL and MIL have never had a weight problem in their entire
lives. My MIL says, "I guess I've just been blessed with a fast
metabolism. What infuriates me is that when we pass by a park
where people are running and walking, they make jokes about them,
talking about how ridiculous they look. I can't believe they
could be so cruel and stupid. Also, I'm tired of hearing my
MIL talk about her "long legs," and "bony butt." Every time
I sit on her sectional, she has to make the remark that her legs extend
over the end of the chair and it just "drives her crazy." The
woman is of average height and her legs are average length.
She is a lousy inch taller than me!
8/21
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This is not the first
time I've submitted a story. I recently had my first baby and
my husband and I took a long car trip to go see the grandparents who
live 6 hours away. My MIL is very overbearing, never wrong,
always has to be the center of attention. Due to her past behavior,
(almost ended my marriage 4 years ago) I'm concerned about her "taking
over" when it comes to my child. So I was anxious about the
trip to see them. No sooner did we drive up into the driveway
and she is hovering over me like a vulture, telling me to hurry up
and unbuckle my son from his car seat, "Oh I just have to hold him."
GUSH GUSH! To begin with, she insisted that the baby sleep in
a playpen with her all night since there was no room in the guest
room. The playpen was a piece of junk bought at a rummage sale,
rather unsafe. I mean, you could feel the supporting ribs poking
through! You'd think, by the way she bragged, that she was doing
us all a big favor! During the night she got up to feed my son.
She thought the special bottles that I bought to prevent gas and spitting
up were baloney, even though my son went back to the hospital two
days after being born with a feeding problem, and the bottles were
recommended and have worked for us. So she took the nipple off
the special bottle (the nipples could only be used for that type of
bottle) and attaches it to a standard bottle and feeds my son without
burping him at all through the feeding. You see, she raised
4 boys and knows everything. The nipple on the bottle then collapsed,
my son had a hard time getting the formula out of the bottle and swallowed
a bunch of air and ended up vomiting his entire feeding, screaming
the entire time. So she took him out of his clothes and bib,
which were totally saturated with formula, and put him into a onesie.
This was ok, because I was going to put him into the onesie anyway
to wear all day for the trip home.
8/21
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When my husband and I
first got together, his mom was in control of his life. Especially
since he is an only child. Well, after 2 years of pure hell,
fighting with her after we got married, he put his foot down and stopped
giving in to her and became his own man. Well, it has been 4
years since then, and I am worried he is having a relapse! We
are back to arguing about her, and she is walking all over us.
Of course, the biggest problem is the kids. She is determined
to undermine us and I am worried. Any suggestions?????
I welcome any at all.
8/20
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Relapse?"
in your response.
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My grandmother, God rest
her soul, must have been a terror of a mother-in-law. Especially
for one DIL, who lived with her (with my uncle) for a while.
Maybe this is just a rumor, but I heard from another relative that
when my uncle and aunt wanted to go to, say, a movie by themselves
(hey! they were newlyweds, for crying out loud!), they'd go out to
get in the car, and there Grandmother would be, sitting and waiting
for them! Heaven forbid they should have any time ALONE together!
-- Puzzled
8/19
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After admitting my 6 mo.
old into the hospital, I waited for my mother in law to return my
call. She finally called on her cell phone some hours later.
Her reason for not calling sooner, every time she pressed send and
the phone read "in use", she would hang up angry that someone
else would be using her phone. It dawned on her after about
6 tries that SHE was the one that had the phone in use and finally
called me.
8/19
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My husband and I met each
other 14 years ago, and have been married for nine years. I
should have seen the warning signs then when it came to my MIL.
She is a very controlling, negative human being who feels like she
needs to know every aspect of her son's life. We lived out of
state for two years where I worked, so my husband could complete his
master's degree. We experienced a life without her continuous
meddling and decided we liked it that way. Since we have moved
back to the same state, my MIL has been a constant source of agitation.
When I got pregnant, she told everyone she was dying, to shift the
attention to her. My H asked to see the doctor's report and
found out she was lying -- she never brought it up again. My
H sees through her lies, fortunately.
Recently my MIL decided to have a much needed surgical procedure done
by my OB-GYN. I still have no idea why she just couldn't find
her own doctor, since she lives three hours away from us, and the
rest of her family lives in that area. After she had her surgery
they released her the next day. We were having a birthday party
for my daughter the following month, so I reminded my MIL several
times to make her follow-up appointment the day before so she and
my FIL could attend. I also explained it could not be the week
after her birthday because my H and I were extremely busy that week
and a visit would be inconvenient for us. Of course, since I
told her that, she made the appointment for the time I asked her not
to. She told my H there were no other times available.
We called the doctor's office and found out that she was lying. The
receptionist, who I know personally, offered to change the appointment
and I made the mistake in letting her do this. My MIL was furious
when she found this out, and my H told her he didn't appreciate being
lied to. She said she would come visit us and her granddaughter
when she wanted to. My H told her she will come when she's invited
and that she'll come when it's convenient for us, not for her.
She said she wanted to celebrate my daughter's birthday when she wanted
to, because she didn't like my family, especially my mother.
My H and I were shocked that she wasn't even thinking of our daughter
but herself. In addition, she is showing us a total lack of
respect. She treats her other children and their families with
the same disrespect - she has been thrown out of their homes on several
occasions. I feel this is not normal behavior and I just want
to push her out of our lives, since she always brings problems with
her. At the same time I realize that she is my H's mother and
my daughter's grandmother. She is just very jealous that I am
in her son's life and she's not. How can I spend the holidays
with this woman and act as nothing happened?
8/19
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To all the MILs in the
world: NEVER criticize your DIL to her kids. My paternal
grandmother did that all the time behind my mother's back, criticized
everything about my mother to us kids. Nasty little digs about
her garden, her kitchen, everything! It was often sugarcoated
like, "what a pretty dress your mother's got, but that kind of fabric
just doesn't stay looking nice ..." . When my mother was
out, Grandma used to go around and do all sorts of stupid things,
like ironing diapers just to show off that she was a better housekeeper
than my mother (she wasn't). She just couldn't wait to intrude
into my mother's kitchen, pantry, laundry, you know it sounds sexist,
but those kind of places are often a woman's territory and she doesn't
like other women to mess with them behind her back. She gave
my mother really ugly furniture items and then went on and on and
on about what good quality they were, how much they cost, and so on,
so we just knew she'd throw a fit if they disappeared! Surely
a voucher from the furniture shop would have been a more appropriate
present? She got nastier and nastier as she got old, and the
final straw came when my father took his own life, his mother telephoned
the coroner and said she thought my mother had killed him. When
Grandma had operations we never wanted to visit her in hospital, and
when she died we were all really pleased, and none of us wanted to
go to her funeral. Looking back some years later I realize how
sad that is, but that's how we felt at the time. At any rate,
its something she brought on herself.
8/19
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I just recently found
this board. Boy, can I relate to so many of you. I have
been married for 13 years. For most of those 13 years, I have
had to fight with my ILs for a right to be part of the family.
I became pregnant 6 weeks prior to our wedding, and my MIL and FIL,
as well as my H's sister, tried to talk me into getting an abortion.
Their reasoning was that we were young and could have children later
on. From then on, it has been hell. They tried to get
my H to MAKE me have my tubes tied after we had our first child.
They almost demanded he make me do it after we had #2. He had
a vasectomy because of/for them. They told H that our daughter
wasn't his, that I was sleeping around. They have called me
a wh*re and a b*tch. When FIL went off on our daughter when
she was only 4, I refused to let them see the kids. MIL decided
to try to get visitation rights. She kept calling me and taunting
me about how she would start with visitation and then go for custody.
She denied this to H, convincing him finally that I was mentally ill
and needed to be locked away. He had me committed for 11 days.
During this time, MIL came and saw the kids as she pleased.
After that, they would refer to me as "f***ed up".
There have been fights and lies, accusations and cussings. This
has gone on for 13 years. Why do I stay? I don't work.
My husband doesn't want me to work, and I am dependent on him.
I have nowhere to go if I were to leave. I do love my husband,
but I don't know why he forces me to go through this hell that I've
gone through all these years. They beat me down so much that
at one point I attempted suicide. MIL told me it was a shame
I didn't succeed. My MIL is evil. She is cold and heartless.
8/18
RESPONSE: This is an unsolicited response to the woman
whose DH and IL's had her committed.
You may not like to hear this but the truth is never pretty.
You are being abused, and abused horribly. All abuse does not
take the form of physical assault, but the emotional abuse and trauma
that you have been through have them same result. I work at
a battered women's shelter and I see this every day. Forcing
you to no longer have the choice to have more children; attempting
to make you have an abortion; having you committed. Your IL's
are abusing you, and so is your husband. By not wanting you
to work, or not allowing you to work, you are being forced to be dependent.
You do have a place to go to find your local domestic violence shelter,
or call the 800 number 800-799-SAFE so you can talk to someone.
If you choose to leave it will be hard, but you are not alone.
8/19
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This story, in its entirety,
is relocated here from last week due to recent receipt of a new response:
My MIL really tries to be a good MIL. I know some of you have
unabashedly horrible MILs, who don't even CARE about trying to be
decent -- totally self-indulgent. You'd probably give your eyeteeth
for one like mine, who TRIES to be considerate. I'm usually
a pretty tolerant person, but for some reason, I am so oversensitive
and critical regarding her. I'm a shy person, and I need a lot
of privacy to be happy, but that's only part of the reason I ENDLESSLY
try to stay away from her. In my defense, she has done some
annoying things -- I've written to this website about them!
But if someone ELSE had done those SAME things, I don't think it would
bother me so deeply. What is it with this relationship?!!!?
I really do think I'm a lot harder on her than she deserves ... an
easygoing person would just brush this stuff off (and I DO, with OTHER
people!!).
I'm puzzled by this problem -- how I just stew about her sometimes
-- and really wonder what I can do about it. My husband is an
only child, and I will probably end up being very involved with her,
especially as she and my FIL grow older. The better we get along
-- the better attitude I have -- the better. If anyone has any
ideas, I'll be listening.
8/1
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Puzzled"
in your response.
RESPONSE: This is in response to "puzzled" story (week
ending 8/5/00).
I am not sure I can help much because I am on the same boat.
But I thought you might be interested in some of my experience.
My husband is also the only child and his mom has been divorced for
almost 30 years. We've been married for a year now, and lived
our first year separately from my MIL trying to get as much privacy
as we could. It didn't do much good, neither to us nor to her.
She kept demanding more and more of our attention and getting more
and more antisocial with other people. Now we decided to move
together. Amazingly, she starting to change. I think it's because
she sees that we care.
Now, about annoyance. My husband and I had long talks and even
fights over the issue. He kept saying, "Nobody would react to
what she did the way you do" and I kept asking myself, "Why???" I
don't know about you, but with us it's not the fact that I react to
what she says or does - it's HOW I react. I immediately get
mad. With other people I would sometimes "swallow" my pride,
but with her it's more important to show that she can't step on my
dignity. Maybe it's because other people's opinions don't matter
as much? I would give so much to hear from her that I've done
something right. The only way I found to deal with it is to
talk. Communication is everything! I'm not afraid to sound
like a broken record, I am not afraid to argue with my husband about
this (I am though trying not to overuse his patience), I am talking
to her with and without my husband. I am trying to express myself
as clearly as I can on what offends me in her behavior and why.
Before, he didn't even want to listen, and now, often, he would go
and talk to her privately trying to explain how important it is for
me to have her understanding on certain issues. We found that
it works best when it's done "tête-à-tête" and
without raising a voice. My opinion - a lot is up to your husband.
Mine tries to explain that when she offends me she offends him also
and vice versa. We keep saying, "Please don't ..." and
won't stop even if takes 10-20 times sometimes. It's like with
kids - they might not follow your advice right away but as long as
they listen to what you've got to say the day will come and they'll
do it too. And one more piece of advice - a lot is up to you.
Be nice to her. Give her some signs of attention (phone calls,
little gifts, little talks etc.) She might not show it, but
she'll appreciate it. But when she's done something that hurt
your feelings - stop it immediately. She'll not only realize
you're hurt - she'll see it affected her too!
I'd like to keep in touch and share any helpful advice we might get.
Please refer to me as "On the same boat" if you'd like to say something.
I am checking these stories weekly. I'll be glad to read your
updates on how it's going.
Best of luck to you!
8/10
RESPONSE: Response to "On the Same Boat" -- who
kindly wrote her response to my "Puzzled" entry --
Thank you. I think your advice is a gem, and I will use it (about
expressing affection to her in little ways, but stopping it temporarily
if she hurts my feelings). I would be glad to compare notes
with you. Yesterday, I got such a nice letter from my MIL.
I really had a good feeling about it. So maybe we're, at least
for now, on a good track. Interesting, that you found that getting
closer to your MIL (in proximity) ended up making things better between
you! That's thinking outside the box -- most people would do
the reverse. Thank you for writing in! I check the website
very frequently, too.
8/11
RESPONSE: I found "On the Same Boat's" comments and advice
very helpful, and wondered if there's more of you out there who wanted
to share their tales of triumph in facing down a nosy, pushy, manipulative
or emotionally blackmailing MIL. I have a FMIL who's a handful,
to say the least. I'd love to hear any of your stories where
you've successfully faced yours down. Not only would it give
all of us ideas to try ourselves, but I think seeing others in action
reinforces the idea that DILs have rights and a voice, too ... and
an effective one, at that. Probably many of you know what I
mean when I say there's a lot of dread involved in confronting an
in-law. For one thing, we're taught to get along with them at
all costs. And no one wants to risk alienating a husband or
boyfriend. So it's a big boost to hear from a DIL who took these
risks and was better off for it.
In any case, the last time I saw my FMIL, I managed to REALLY stand
up to her for the first time in three years. She had made a
comment that (A) questioned my ability to do my job well and (b) underlined
the fact that I wasn't engaged to her son yet. It was a real killer,
trust me (it's kind of too long to get into here) ... even my FSIL,
who isn't wild about me by any means, had her mouth hanging open!
In any case, I just told FMIL, in the most shocked and hurt way possible,
"That wasn't a very nice thing to say!!!" I know, really powerful
stuff, but you know, it did the trick -- she finally apologized after
I kept staring/glaring at her, making it clear that the conversation
would not continue 'til she apologized ... which she did, reluctantly.
She bent over backwards for the rest of the visit (somehow, we did
manage to continue the conversation, though we did leave a bit earlier
than usual that day!). I haven't seen her since, but I think
it will be much easier to call her on whatever she pulls the next
time we're around her.
SO, anyone else who wants to share their success stories ... I'm all
ears!
8/15
RESPONSE: Response to 2nd response to "In the Same Boat":
This is "puzzled" again. What a GREAT response to a MIL's mean
comments -- just catching her in the act with, "That wasn't a very
nice thing to say!" That would work with catty acquaintances,
too, wouldn't it? Just catching them in the act! Because
they're banking on your just taking it and pretending it doesn't hurt
you!
8/16
RESPONSE: This is a response to "Puzzled". I too
need a lot of privacy to be happy. I am not talking to my MIL,
after I had the "nerve" to ask her to call before coming over.
She and my FIL have a tendency, sometimes weekly or whenever they
feel like it, to show up. This really irks me. She is
a nice person, but I need my privacy. I have given repeated
hints over the course of the last year about calling first, which
she has chosen to ignore. A few times she has said, "We were
going to stop by, but no one was home." But this one really
bothered me; "We were going to stop by, but you haven't been home
lately." She seemed annoyed that I (since she knew my husband
was at work), wasn't there waiting for her unexpected arrival.
I felt like asking her if she recently got a job working as a detective
with the police since she seemed to be so good at surveillance!!
And if there is a family function, she has to call to see if I will
be attending, which doesn't really bother me, but if I am not attending,
she has to ask why and my whereabouts instead. No wonder I avoid
her when she calls! She also has to ask a lot of questions that
I think are none of her business. So I am not ever planning
to attend any family functions ever again, or see her ever again.
Which makes my day. Just call me "Doesn't get the hint". (I
am in the archives on July 22.)
8/16
RESPONSE: This is "Puzzled" again, responding to "Doesn't
Get the Hint":
We had that same problem -- the in-laws would stop by -- and my MIL
would call constantly (boy, THAT'S a whole other story -- she'd ask
my husband questions like, "Have you taken your SHOWER yet?" Geeeez!!).
There's one thing I think has helped with this: my HUSBAND (not
me!) telling them it isn't a good time -- very tactfully -- and giving
them a good reason. He told them this enough times, and they
DON'T drop by anymore. Is there any chance your husband could
try that? I'm really rooting for you. I hate to say this,
but with my MIL it almost seems like "no good deed goes unpunished"
-- she just wedges her foot in the door and pushes for more!
It was hard work getting her foot OUT of the door, and getting more
control of our lives again, but right now, we have that -- so if you
want to correspond, I'll try to think of anything I can that's helped
us that might help you? She used to do stuff like buy us tickets
for late-night (and excruciatingly boring!) events, not caring that
we had to be up very early for our jobs the next day -- not even ASKING
us if we'd like to go, just TELLING us, because SHE wanted us to go
(not family events or anything -- like choral concerts, just because
SHE wanted to go). But she doesn't pull that stuff anymore.
I'm rooting for you.
8/17
RESPONSE: This is "Puzzled" again, responding to "Doesn't
Get the Hint":
P.S. I also sympathize with the problem of your MIL querying you about
why you aren't going to family events. She has no right to do
that. That's something I really have a problem with, regarding
my own MIL -- she has an idea in her head about what everyone SHOULD
do, and talks badly about, say, a cousin who opts not to go to a relative's
fancy wedding in another state (I went, and he was right not to go
-- he would have felt out-of-place and miserable!). So I imagine
she confidently thinks I SHOULD go to all the family events, or church,
or whatever. One thing that has helped me: do you have an answering
machine? Can your husband be the one who talks with her; can
you distance yourself, in a polite way? I screen our calls,
and rarely EVER pick up the phone if it's my MIL. My husband's
the one who deals with her regularly. That's a big help!
She might wish (and think I SHOULD) that I talk with her more, but
not doing so is great for my peace of mind! She only lives 10
minutes away, but now I only see her maybe five or six times a year.
And we get along cordially, at least, superficially ... despite my
"issues" with her. But, good for you for asking her to call
before stopping by. You weren't being mean to do that.
She's not being fair, to take offense at that. Doesn't she realize
how inconsiderate it was to disrespect your schedule and keep popping
in on you like that? She ought to read an article on how to
be a good MIL -- one thing they always say is, DON'T JUST DROP IN
ON YOUR DIL -- be considerate of her!
8/17
RESPONSE: This is "Doesn't get the hint" responding to
"Puzzled".
I just read your message, thanks! It is great to have some advice.
I also wrote another story at the top of the same page, they addressed
me as "Aggravating through the mail". I have been trying to
get my husband to tell them for the last 3 years to call before stopping
by. So I had to be the "bad guy", which I personally do not
think is right. He would rather let her have her way and run
our lives and listen to me complain than rock the boat and have to
listen to one of her guilt trips - "Oh, I never get to see you
any more," etc. She tries to manipulate with guilt.
If I casually mention wanting to go on a family outing somewhere,
she always invites herself along. I learned to stop that.
I think she is afraid to let any of her 3 kids spend time alone with
their spouses, or take a weekend camping trip, because she always
has to go visit them for at least one day. I'm pretty sure I'm
not the only one it bothers. The last time we talked I asked
her to call first, that it wasn't her fault but I like my privacy.
Then I made the mistake of telling her my husband wouldn't tell her,
and that we had been arguing about it for a couple of years now.
That is why she is upset. But I just couldn't take it, I was
on a roll. I asked her to call first, and when she said, "We'll
try," that made me mad. I told her we had been arguing
about it for 3 years. I could go on for days, sorry. If
you want to "chat" further, maybe we could "meet"
on the message board.
8/18
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Here's some of the best
MIL advice I've ever seen. Toby Klein Greenwald wrote this at
a site called WholeFamily.com:
"Be polite. Don't be
apologetic. Don't complain and don't explain. Your life is
with your spouse, not with them, and you don't want to alienate
your husband/wife by being rude to his/her family. Therefore
you have to maintain good relations but don't kill yourself trying
to get them to think you're right or you're a good person or you're
a loving child-in-law. They will ultimately respect you for
it, even if they don't like you. If she's their mother also,
deep down inside, they know what she's like, even though they won't
admit it to you, the outsider.
So send her flowers on her birthday, be pleasant, remind yourself
that you're a bigger person than she is and get on with your life
with your (hopefully) loving spouse."
PS Has anyone seen a book called "What every MIL
Wants Her DIL to Know, But Was Afraid to Tell Her?" I just
saw that there is such a book. It makes me nervous!
Has anyone read it? Want to give a brief
description?
8/18
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Read
The Book?" in your response.
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 My
Husband-to-be (HTB) and I got engaged almost 15 months ago.
Because of my career, I began planning everything immediately.
I hate procrastinating, and I was sure if I didn't get a jump on things
I would surely forget something. Enter MIL. From day one
this woman was determined to drive me crazy. She wanted every
detail. We were almost a year and a half out from the wedding
and she wanted to know what color dress my mother was wearing to the
wedding! I knew early on this was going to be a battle.
I decided I would only give out information on a need to know basis.
Unfortunately, I forgot to let my HTB in on this. When he would
stop by to see his parents he would update them on the wedding plans.
As any woman would understand, I was doing the bulk of the wedding
planning, so I didn't appreciate my HTB's openness about the details.
I would get phone calls from my MIL questioning my every step, and
I would wonder how she knew everything. This of course led to
a huge argument with my HTB, but in the end I won out. He agreed
to limit the amount of info that he leaked out, but admitted he wasn't
sure how good he would be at this. I am proud to say that in
the months that followed my HTB has gotten very good at keeping stuff
between us.
8/18
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My MIL isn't even my MIL yet. I am getting married this
September and it's been a battle from day one. When my Husband-to-be
(HTB) and I started dating I didn't really mind his M. She had
her quirks as all M's do, but they have intensified in the 4 years
that we've been together. The first wedge between us was her
incessant smoking. She's a chimney, for crying out loud.
I have friends who smoke, but not like this woman. She has no
regard for anyone around her. I cannot count the times that
she has sat directly across the table from me and lit one up only
to blow smoke right in my face. She has grandchildren, and she
smokes around them with no thought to what her second hand smoke may
be doing to them. I believe that smoking is a choice that becomes
an addiction for some. However, in her case, I think that it
is less of an addiction, that it is a Habit. She can go hours
without having a cigarette, and then there are times when she goes
through 3 in one half hour.
She's not getting any younger, and her smoking is now effecting her
health. She was diagnosed with breast cancer over a year ago,
and went through 6 months of chemo. We all thought that this
was the one thing she needed to convince her to stop smoking, but
it didn't. I can not even find the words to describe the disgust
I had when, after being wheeled into her room from recovery and after
surgery to remove her left breast, her first comment was, "I could
sure use a cigarette." Unfortunately for me this was only the
beginning.
8/18
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I have a very kind husband,
an only child who always got along very well with his parents. What
he told me recently was a revelation, and I wonder if it might be
helpful to anyone else. I have sometimes been annoyed by his
parent's nosiness, intrusiveness, smothering overprotectiveness --
or, at least, that's how I saw it. (When we were first married,
his mother would actually call us up to tell us a thunderstorm might
be coming! Stuff like that. Like we couldn't just deal
with it!)
Last weekend our electricity went out, and we couldn't figure out
why. I knew what nuisances his parents would be if they found
out about it (they live nearby) -- they'd be all over it, bossing
us around and taking over the situation (they did that before in very
similar circumstances -- ORDERING us around about it!). So I
asked my husband not to tell them, and he agreed that it would be
a real pain if they found out, and he didn't tell them. He consulted
the bona fide electricians we know, and got it all straightened out
without a word to his parents. Well, the next day, the phone
rang first thing. Of course, it was his parents. The electrician,
who also knows them, had run into them and asked them if our electrical
situation was better. They left a message about how concerned
they were, etc. I found this annoying - especially when they
took it upon themselves to ask someone to come and fix it for us (like
my husband couldn't do that himself!!).
But while I was ranting and raving about this to my husband, he told
me that he'd always kind of leaned on them for help in all kinds of
things, and it was largely his fault for setting things up that way.
He said he had kind of gotten them trained to come rushing to his
rescue (he's in his early 30's; he lived with his parents until
he was in his mid- to late 20s when we got married). As much
as I'd rather blame my MIL and FIL, my husband was being honest, and
I have to acknowledge the point of what he said. I'd love to
just totally blame them for being a pain! But it's not that
simple. That doesn't make it much easier to deal with, though.
It's still hard to get used to! But I guess there are things
about my own parents, and our family ways, that are hard for HIM to
get used to. Marriage! It really is an adjustment.
But, hey, I always have this website, which I check almost DAILY.
Thanks!!!!!! (this is "Puzzled," from before.)
8/17
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Help me out ... I am married
to a woman much younger than I, but more mature and smarter than her
mother. My wife runs our business and I work elsewhere.
We have a great income. We met when she baby-sat for me when
I was previously married with children. I had a dysfunctional
marriage where my ex worked nights and slept in the evenings, and
I worked days. We both drank alcohol almost as we breathe air.
My ex smoked, I didn't, and she refused to work days as I. The
woman I married baby-sat so my ex could sleep, and until I'd get home
from work. She took care of my kids 50% of the time, and was
more mature than her peers at the time, and seemed to get along better
with older people. Her mother got to know me also (now my MIL
from hell) and we had a rendezvous which was a drunk related incident.
My wife's (baby-sitter) had dated another man in another state, and
she was distraught and sought comfort from me after he never called
her again. To her mother's perspective this was, "part of life's
experiences." I tried to get her father to be more involved
in her life, but he refused (he was married to another woman and never
saw his daughter). She sought more comfort in me, and we became
friendlier and got very close (she was 15, 16 yrs during this time).
She became interested in me, and pointed out all the bad things in
my dysfunctional marriage and said that she could be a better wife
(she is to this day). Eventually I got divorced, and moved out
later (friendly divorce). Her mother got wind of the fact that
she had a crush on me and told me not to see her anymore. I
still let her baby-sit because she needed money. She began to
sneak over to baby-sit while I went out with "friends" (my
ex worked nights). Her mother thought she was sneaking over
to be with me, and eventually filed a protective order which lasted
for a year and ended when she turned 17. I had told her we could
not have a physical relationship until she was 17, which is the age
of consent (her mother believes otherwise). She finished high
school at 16. When she turned 17, she moved in with me, and
we married when she turned 18. We do not drink or smoke (she
got me to quit drinking with ease) and you can not tell an age difference.
We have a lot in common and love the same music. I play guitar
and work as an engineer, she manages our business. Her mother
is my age (my MIL). I am nearly 40 and my wife is nearly 20.
MIL has threatened my life in the past, and we argued and did not
speak for a time. I am a little territorial, and feel dominant
as males usually do, especially when it comes to my family (my wife
and I). My wife believes in me, and knows the upset her mother
causes, and we agreed to not have her present when our baby was born
because she ruined our first Christmas and I was not going to let
her ruin the birth of our first child. We had the baby and her
mother found out through my wife's stepsister (we thought she wouldn't
tell). Her mother came to the hospital 1 hr before checkout
time, and I told her to leave (had an argument). She did not
see our baby. My wife also told her to leave and she would call
her later. MIL says she had a right to be there because of her
daughter being in the hospital, and that she needed to know her daughter's
condition. I said I have to protect my family from crazy people
like her, and that she had no right to my family if she cannot accept
our marriage. My wife agrees, but still associates with her
for the mother daughter sake, which is OK as long as she does not
invade my "territory" ...
What I need advice on is ... how can I cope with a MIL who: ...
thinks I "brainwashed" her daughter into becoming my wife and brainwashed
her into respecting my wishes
has had a hysterectomy and takes pills for her mental instability
thinks "I" am mentally ill for marrying a younger woman
is hard headed, and says she'll never accept our marriage but expects
to be part of our life.
plays miss innocent in front of her mother (wife's grandmother)
says we need to get along for my wife's sake (my wife and I think
it is for her mother's sake).
says that my wife is caught in the middle of her mother and I (because
she can't see our marriage as one).
Please advise, and be easy if you feel you need to bash ...
8/12
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Wife
Was Baby-sitter" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re: "Wife was Baby-sitter"
It sounds like an unfortunate situation you're in. My suggestion
would be to try and eliminate contact with your MIL since she sounds
like she'll never accept your marriage. I wouldn't go around
her at all, if possible. I would also concentrate on living
a happy life with your wife. It sounds like you two are happy,
otherwise. As for the age-difference-thing, it sounds
like your MIL is jealous because she wanted you and you went for her
daughter! Maybe that's part of her insecurity and quest to make
trouble. That's HER problem to deal with, not yours. You
chose your wife; you are happy with her, and that's all that matters.
Don't involve yourself anymore with your insecure MIL's problems.
You've got a life to live.
8/13
RESPONSE:
I think the MIL was looking out for the best interest of her daughter.
As a mother, myself, I think you should be ashamed of taking an innocent
school girl crush & violating it. You are not supposed to
be "dominant". You are supposed to be partners.
Sounds like the dysfunction continues ...
8/14
RESPONSE: In response to "Wife was Baby-sitter"
I can see why your MIL is upset with you. When you started this
affair your wife was a child, and society generally tends to frown
upon child molesters. Not only that, you had what you called
a drunken rendezvous which I can only assume was a sexual encounter
with your MIL. Ughhhh! Your story is like some kind of
Greek Tragedy with the bedding of mother and daughter. It's
really disgusting! In my opinion, you deserve what you get.
8/15
RESPONSE: "Re: wife was baby-sitter"
Two words: Yuck-O
8/15
RESPONSE: wife was baby-sitter
I can understand the MIL madness over you and her daughter.
First of all, you cheated in your ex (then Wife) with a 15 year old,
or should I say got close with her, and then you have a one night
stand with the girls mother. Now you are married to the young
girl. Sure you may be happy, but it is wrong and sick for what
you did to the three parties.
8/17
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My MIL has lived with
us for 6 years. We used to get along fairly well, until she
completely separated herself from the family. She sits in her
room all day, does nothing to help around the house and barely talks
to anyone unless she needs us to do something for her. She is
perfectly healthy, and is very capable of helping out. She's
just plain lazy. We have bent over backwards to try and make
her part of the family. We ask her to go places with us, we
always ask if she needs anything at the store, etc. My problem
is that, even though she won't join in, she still knows all of our
business. I found out that her calendar is filled with notes
about us. She uses symbols, like circles on the days I work,
squares on the days that I have off. She has my son's football
practice schedule on there; a picnic, we're going too; school
information. She has more information than I have. My
question is, how does she find this stuff out? Is she reading
our mail after we open it and listening to everything we say?
I caught her one day with our paychecks in her hand. She probably
even knows my checkbook balance.
My feeling is that, unless she acts like part of this family, nothing
is her business. This is really getting on my nerves.
I've talked to my husband about it and I don't think that he believed
me until today. She said, "Do you know that she has worked 10
days, without a day off? I bet she's glad that she's finally
off tomorrow." He acted shocked. I told him. He
asked how she knew that I was off tomorrow. I have no idea.
My schedule is constantly changing. Yet he won't say anything.
He's afraid that her feelings will be hurt. She'll feel unwanted.
This is our house and our life. I can't stand the idea of her
knowing everything that I do. Am I getting upset over nothing?
I need some input on how others would feel. I am beginning to
feel claustrophobic in my own house. Like I'm being spied on.
8/16
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Spied
On?" in your response.
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Here I am again.
My MIL and I aren't speaking because I had the "nerve" to ask her
to call before stopping by, and she told my husband I hate her, just
because I would like the common courtesy of a phone call first.
Now to contact my daughter (her grand daughter), she sends her nice
cards in the mail. But I do not think that my daughter needs
to know the exact date, that her aunt and uncle will be coming back
from their vacation. After all, my daughter is only 7 years
old. I guess she thought my daughter could use the information
while she is playing in the back yard with our neighbor. I think
she is just trying to aggravate me, since she is such an expert at
it. Only now she is doing it through the mail. I won't bother
to reply to her. What do you think? Suggestions??
8/16
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Aggravating
Through Mail" in your response.
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I have previously written
about my partner's mother. My boyfriend and I had had a fight,
and he ended up spending the night at her house. It turned into
a ridiculous nightmare with the end result being that she is now refusing
to speak to either of us and has threatened to get a restraining order
should we attempt to call or see her. She also wrote us a very
nasty letter in which she called her son a liar and she claimed to
have "disposed of" his fishing tackle and poles which he left at her
home. He tried to call, but she hung up. I tried to e-mail
a letter that basically said that she was making a mistake by pushing
away her son, but she replied that it was returned unopened (which
I don't believe, because it was not a notification from the server,
simply a reply to my e-mail). Anyway, my boyfriend called the
resident trooper. The trooper called her and told her she didn't
have the right to keep his things and she brought them to the station
for us to pick up. So ... here she was calling her son a liar
about not wanting to talk to me that morning at her house, and she
was lying all the time herself and PROVED it. I had suggested
to her that she was being too controlling when she wouldn't put my
boyfriend on the phone, and I guess she proved that too. I think
the keeping of his things was a way to keep control over him.
She attempted to come between us when she tried to say that he knew
I wanted to talk to him and was refusing. She tried to lower
my self esteem by saying things like, "how sad that it took the police
to make him go back with you." Now I feel so bad that my
boyfriend is estranged from his mother and that I am in the middle.
I can't imagine doing that to my own son, and I know my own family
never acted this way. I had also made a comment in my letter
to her that she was BEHAVING like a bitter old lady, and that if she
kept pushing him with these guilt trips, that she COULD be lonely
as well. She absolutely JUMPED on that. She seemed focused
on her age (saying no one would ever call ME young. I am a few
years older than my boyfriend) and went on and on about not being
lonely (she spends her time on the computer and has given up most
face to face contact). I don't know what to do.
I am not used to being this upset and would have liked a more agreeable
relationship with her, even if only for my boyfriend's sake.
Anyone know of a way out with EVERYONE saving face?
8/16
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Everyone
Save Face" in your response.
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I've always said nice
things about my MotherInLaw until this weekend! She had a fit
because I let our 15 month old cry for five minutes before he laid
down to bed. My husband had offered to put the kids to bed,
so I began reading the paper. She then stood in front of me
and said, "How dare you let that baby cry."
[dh] is trying to put all three boys to bed (even though I do it every
night). She then said, "I don't let babies cry. How can
you do this?!" The next day, when we were leaving our visit
with grandma, she said to me, "I'm sorry but I don't think you are
doing half of what you should be doing". Even though I take
care of the kids all night, because my husband works nights, and all
day. I do all the housework, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping,
lawn mowing, gardening, and I'm going to school to be a nurse!
I will never speak to her again. She has disrupted a whole family.
My husband has been very supportive for me, however. He told
me to keep striving for my goals. Why do they do things like
this? My husband and I are very much in love and very happy.
8/15
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Baby
Crying" in your response.
RESPONSE: response to - "baby crying"
I don't blame you for not ever wanting to speak to her again.
How dare she open her mouth like that!! You really should tell
her, in no uncertain terms, to mind her own damn business. And,
good for your husband for supporting you. If my MIL ever dared
to say something like that to me, it would probably also be the LAST
thing she ever said to me, and I would tell her the following - mind
your own business, this in NOT your child, and who does what in my
house is also none of your business, so BUTT OUT!
8/16
RESPONSE: Regarding "Baby Crying" -
The next time you see your MIL, IF she brings it up again, remind
her that while parenting styles differ, your children are NOT being
harmed by your different styles, even if MIL doesn't like that style.
She needs to differentiate between a different style of parenting,
and neglect or abuse. Your husband is just as capable of handling
the children as you are, (although less practiced at it, obviously)
and you and MIL will have to agree to disagree. Her son stands
by you, and he should probably be saying this to his mother preemptively,
before it festers in her brain for too long. The mechanisms
of your particular family are none of her business, they are between
you and your husband. A few more minutes of crying aren't going
to kill the child, even if she can't stand to listen to it.
Maybe a crying baby brings up horrible memories for her, and she snapped?!
Be that as it may, if she's going to be rude to you, she's going to
see less of you, and less of her grandchildren, unless she can strong-arm
her son into bringing them over to her house - and I don't know your
husband, but mine would rather turn green than put all three children
in the car and drive somewhere with them (without me to boss them).
8/16 |
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Working Women Don't Have Wives