This is really driving me nuts.  My husband won't listen when I want to discuss things, and I just can't take it anymore.  Please tell me what you think.  Am I just being selfish?  I had my baby shower yesterday.  I got almost everything I need, minus a few small things.  Well, after all the gifts were opened, my mil and her sisters were talking about what else I needed.  As it turned out, I got two bassinets, because my family and dh's family failed to communicate.  Oh well.  Dh's family decided they would take the one they bought back and get other stuff.  So, they're discussing what else I'll need and what I *HAVE* to have (by their standards).  I spoke up and said, "We don't have a highchair or a baby bathtub yet," hoping that they would take the hint.  Well, they got quiet and looked at me for a second, and then went on chattering about how much I needed a diaper genie and other stuff.  I could have screamed!!!  Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't see a diaper genie as a necessity.  My husband just lost his job, and I haven't worked since February, so we can't afford to buy ANYTHING else for the baby.  Am I wrong to expect them to at least listen to what I think we need?

Also, my mom bought me a border for the baby's room walls.  It's adorable.  I asked her to buy it because she had originally asked me how I was decorating the room.  Some of you may remember that I posted about my mil's obsession with Pooh, and how she was insisting on decorating the baby's room with Pooh (didn't even bother to ask how I wanted things).  I told her we'd decided on pink and white with Precious Moments as a theme. (mil thinks pink is ugly...)  So, she bought the wall border and these cute little stick up characters, too.  Well, then mil says, "Me and my sisters will come over and put the borders and stuff up for you."  My aunt had already volunteered (days before mil said this) to put the borders and stuff up for me.  She is great at decorating, and has already redone her whole house.  She and I are very close, and we pretty much have the same taste in things.  I know if she does this it will look the way I want it to look, because she will consult me before she does anything.  Am I wrong to want her to do it?

My in-laws are really driving me nuts.  They're also assuming that my child will start spending a vast amount of time at mil's house.  Not only does she smoke inside, they have a wood burning stove that makes the whole place smoky.  Even when it's not on, the odor and smokiness lingers year-round.  It hurts my lungs to breathe in that house.  Both my dh and I are allergic to smoke, so there's a really good chance my baby will be too.  I've already told everyone that she will not stay over there for long periods of time (longer than a couple of hours, at the most).  Geez, people, I'm just looking out for my baby's health.

They're also planning to spend a great deal of time at my house after the baby is born.  I don't think so!  I don't even plan for my own mother to be here all the time.  Plus, when my mil is here, I feel like I'm expected to entertain.  I know I won't feel up to that after having a baby.  I don't feel up to that now.

Oh, and one more thing ... my mil was planning to write out my thank you notes from my own shower!!!!  I swear, she thinks she's the one having the baby!!
7/11

***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "MIL Thinks She's Having This Baby" in your response.

RESPONSE:  Re: MIL thinks SHE'S having this baby ...
She must be stopped, NOW.  Listen to me carefully - my MIL is doing the same types of things already, and my hub and I don't even plan on kids for several years yet.  Please read the story that is posted on the current page, just above yours.  I wrote that.  She's already telling me where I can or can't take my kids (who, once again, are years from being born).  She also has told me on two occasions how she and her family are going to spoil our children (because our kid would be the first grandchild for her and the first niece/nephew for my hub's siblings).  I simply said "no" because I'm not going to raise bratty kids who get everything they want whether we say it's ok or not.

This is what she's doing to me already, and we're still years away from parenthood.  I am frightened at the thought of what's going to happen when we actually do have a child.  I will tell you this, due to what I've seen so far (in her general behavior) and to several things I know about my hub's upbringing, I am very uncomfortable with the very idea of this woman being around my kids (no matter what age they are) without me there.  I have this total mommy-shield all ready to go (and I'm not even anywhere near mommy-hood!) in order to keep our kids safe from hearing/being affected by her "ways of thinking" (the nicest way I can think to phrase it).

She has already been outcast from our wedding plans (by BOTH of us) because of her complete lack of respect for our choices, and our plans. (basically, if she doesn't like it or agree with it, it's wrong, no matter what it is.)

You have to put a stop to it.  It sounds like you have a MIL similar to mine, where it doesn't seem to matter what you want/need for your child.  No matter what you do in the care of your child, she knows better, and nothing's going to make her think different.

Don't forget, YOU are the mother of that baby, and ultimately YOU make the choices.  If you want Precious Moments in your baby's room, then go to town!  Let your Aunt come in and do the room full-on pink, if that's what you want.  And then tell MIL that "Aunt So and So has already offered to help me with the room, and I have already picked out the wallpaper and decoration."  And, yes, she is going to be mad, and probably pull some sort of guilt trip/drama act about how she's being left out of everything.  Or, worse, she'll get mad and tell everyone who will listen that you are the b*tch, you're being mean or ungrateful.  But you can't let her get away with this, or she'll never stop.  Set the precedent NOW, before it's to late.
7/12
RESPONSE:  For "MIL Thinks She's Having This Baby"
You asked, "Am I just being selfish?" and, honestly, yes, I think you are.  I'm not saying that you have a perfect MIL but my GOD, it sounds like they are really doing all they can for you, and you're being a bit of a brat.

I mean, look at this:
"I had my baby shower yesterday."  Hello!  Many of us never had a baby shower, a few MILs have had the audacity to insist that the baby isn't even their son's.  So far, you have nothing to complain about.

"I got almost everything I need, minus a few small things."  I got jack from my in-laws.  Ok, I got felt up from my FIL, does that count?

"my mil and her sisters were talking about what else I needed."  Poor you, they are deciding what else to buy for YOU.

"Dh's family decided they would take the one they bought back and get other stuff."  and they're willing to take it back for you and not just hand you the receipt.

"'We don't have a highchair or a baby bathtub yet,' hoping that they would take the hint. Well, they got quiet and looked at me for a second, and then went on chattering about how much I needed a diaper genie and other stuff."  Guess what, darling, the 1st time you get 1 diaper sitting around in anything other than a Diaper Genie or the Fischer Price dealie I had you will be very sorry that you asked for anything else. Trust me, you don't "need" a high chair, since the kid won't even be sitting up or eating solids for months, and a great big bath sponge in the shape of a baby or a towel laid in the bottom of the tub is all you need to bathe a baby.  People are willing to GIVE you gifts, don't be greedy.  You should feel lucky that you even got acknowledged that you are pregnant.  With neither of you working, beggars can't be choosers, right?

"Well, then mil says, 'Me and my sisters will come over and put the borders and stuff up for you.'  My aunt had already volunteered"  Ok, so what's the problem?  You're upset because they offered to come help you?  Gee, how DARE they!  Now if you told them that your aunt already volunteered, and they got snippy, that's one thing, but that's not what you said.  You said you are upset because they offered to come help you.

"They're also planning to spend a great deal of time at my house after the baby is born.  I don't think so! I don't even plan for my own mother to be here all the time."  So far, I get the impression that your in-laws are bending over backwards to help you, and you're either very young or just very ... I don't know what.  Let me tell you, if I had been offered ANY help from EITHER side of the family to help after my son was born, I would have jumped at it.  As it was, I was told that the wretched in-laws demanded to be at my crotch while I delivered, and that they would be "presented" my child upon his birth.  I think they had ideas about taking him home, and when he was a few days old that was suggested, but luckily my DH stood up to them for the first time.  There were no offers to help after he was born, and let me assure you that, while your lower extremities are in severe pain in most parts, numb in others, torn and bleeding (and that's in a NORMAL delivery), your boobs are leaking, the baby is crying, you don't know what you're doing because you don't know how to take care of a newborn, and you haven't slept or eaten a real meal in days, who are you going to call to help you, since you don't want your mom or your MIL around?  Do you have a lot friends who will come over and bring a hot meal?  Offer to do some laundry?  Mop your floor?
7/13
RESPONSE:  Re: Mil thinks she's having this baby
Oh boy, do I feel for you!  I am one week away from my due date with my first child and the first grandchild on both sides, and let me tell you, this whole pregnancy has been a total nightmare!  No, I do not think you're being selfish at all.  It sounds like you feel like I do: threatened, rejected, "left out" because everyone, well mil anyway, has all kinds of plans for your baby that don't include you.  Am I hitting the nail on the head any???  Do you feel like you have absolutely no control over your child's life, and maybe yours too?  Well, anyway, that is what my Mil has made me feel like this whole pregnancy!  She constantly calls this "her baby", has outfits picked out for the baby's first pictures, this woman is actually "nesting" right now, too!  We can't seem to agree on anything when it comes to this baby, from playpens to pacifiers to baby bath soap, it is just unreal, and she is always right, I am in the wrong.  Sorry to ramble, but your story hit really close to home!  They should be asking you what you need, not just making plans for what THEY think you need.  I know a lot of women who prefer not to use a diaper genie, so the diapers go outside the same day so they are not sitting around stinking.  My best advice to you is to stand your ground and take control NOW!!!!!  If things are bought for you that you don't want, take them back and get what you do want.  You are going to have to tell her you want to do your thank yous for your shower, and don't let her take over after that baby gets here, either.  If you don't want too much company, tell everyone, or simply just ask them to call first.  If you don't feel like having company, tell them it's not a good day for you, and plan a day they can come over when you're feeling up to it.  Don't worry about hurting people's feelings, this is your life.  You are the mom.  Please don't forget that!  It has taken me nine months to get that through my own head.  Trying to be in control of your own life and your baby's is not even close to being selfish!!!  You should join us on the message board, if you're not already there.  I'd love to keep in touch with you!
7/14
RESPONSE:  In response to Mil thinks she's having this baby.
Boy, the person that responded yes you were being selfish, she is quite the angry person.  She could have used tact and not been so negative about her own experiences.  Unfortunately, she sounds like she had it pretty bad.  I personally don't think you're being selfish.  You sound like a young mother to be.  I understand why you were put off in some of the situations because they showed a lack of respect.  When someone is talking, one expects to be acknowledged.  One would think that they would take the time to talk to that person.  Not decide what's best.  That bugs me too.

I can relate to how you feel about mil wanting the baby at their house and basically how they will try to take over.  You are right to be concerned.  But, somewhere down inside of you, you will find the strength to set boundaries.  It is amazing after your child gets here what you won't put up with.

Please don't read too much into the critical person who said you were selfish.  No matter how bad things are, there is always someone that has it worse.  I felt she was way too harsh in what she said about you.  This web site is set up for talking about our problems and for venting.  Maybe she was having a bad day, or maybe it was a mil in hiding!  Good luck to you. 
7/17

RESPONSE:  responding to "MIL Thinks She's Having This Baby"
... wouldn't it be nice to just pack up and move them all away from you??  I have often envisioned that and ended up with perma grin ... ha!  But, since we can't do that, I don't know if you've had the chance to just stand up to your MIL and the other pains in the butts, and just tell them to back off?  Tell them they have pushed and pushed and you wont be pushed anymore.  They are being childish and out of line.  Tell them you don't mind them putting their input into things, but you only want suggestions, not intrusions.  If they can't get the picture, then you have every right to just blow up.  You DEFINITELY have to draw the line about spending time in a house full of smoke.  If they choose to smoke and kill themselves with those deadly toxins, fine, but do NOT subject your child to that.  There is no way in hell I would take my boys into someone's house where they smoke.  That is common sense.  I have relatives who smoke as well as my H, fortunately they smoke outdoors and away from me and my boys.  I have too many MIL and SIL problems to discuss, but the biggest thing to remember, do not compromise your values and what you think is right, for ANYONE.
8/10
RESPONSE:  RE: MIL thinks she's having the baby ...
I'm not sure why one the above responses was so bitter either.  You are not being selfish, and this is coming from a person who has already had the baby, and I can tell you that after I had the baby (c-section) and my breasts were leaking, and the baby was waking up every two hours, etc. ... the very last person I wanted there was my MIL to tell me I was doing everything wrong.  My husband and I tried to keep the visitors to a minimum (though, people come whether they're wanted or not).  My advice is to turn the ringer off the phone when you come home with the baby and let the answering machine take all of the calls.  Also, I read somewhere about it being a good idea to give a copy of whatever baby book you may be reading to your MIL.  You can't guarantee she'll read it, but at least you can keep referring to it every time she tells you what you're doing is wrong.  Because, believe me she will.
8/20
RESPONSE:  To "MIL Thinks She's Having This Baby" --
My own SIL had a great way of handling this.  She just let EVERYONE know that the first week or so, she and her husband wanted to be alone with the baby, to bond with it.  I mean, both she and my brother announced this.  And we all respected it!  Would that be a help?  I think it would be terribly stressful, the threat of having your MIL descend on you right away.  Make sure she doesn't!
8/21
RESPONSE:  For the story "MIL thinks she's having the baby"
Please put your foot down.  You and your husband are going through enough, not working, a baby on the way, let MIL know that you've had enough.  You don't have to be rude, but firmly say "I write my own thank you notes and I already have someone to decorate the baby's room".  If she gets offended, oh well, life isn't roses all the time!!!
8/23