|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 9/9/00
<--Previous Archive
Next Archive -->
 |
I am now divorced, and
I was just as happy to get away from my husband's family as I was
to get away from him. My MIL is what I like to call "tact-impaired".
When we announced we were getting married, she asked if I was pregnant
(I was not). I know that doesn't seem so bad, but it set the
stage for the next 10 years. While planning the wedding she
would make comments like, "Will you still be able to fit into your
dress? You are looking fatter". Her son and I had two cute sons
together. When I was in the hospital giving birth to the second
one, her nephew was put in jail for 10 years. The immediate
family was trying to keep his incarceration a secret. She told
my husband before he came to take us home from the hospital, but she
added "don't tell K***** (me), I want to keep this in the family."
I guess being married to her son and giving her two grandchildren
wasn't enough to make us family. After our divorce I moved across
the country to be near my family. I was in a very serious auto
wreck soon after. My ex-husband acted true to form. When
I was taken off life support in the ICU he told me he was taking custody
of the kids away from me. Later when I recovered and got the
children back, they told me she was saying things to them like, "Don't
cry over that woman, she tried to kill you." My little
one has a scar on his face from the wreck, and she would point it
out and say, "See how ugly you are now? Your mommy did that
to you." Needless to say, when her number pops up on caller
ID, we are suddenly unable to take calls. In all fairness to
my ex-husband, his MIL was a real winner as well. She offered
us a chance to live in her vacant beach condo for free and finish
college. There was only catch. She told him he would have
to get a vasectomy (i.e. neutered). Surprisingly enough, he
was not enthusiastic about her offer. :-) LOL
9/2
|
|
I knew I was in trouble
when my MIL rearranged my living room furniture while I was at work
one day. This was after one year of marriage. Unfortunately,
it took 18 years to stop this woman from running my life. After
listening to her berate her three sons because she was not impressed
with the 50th wedding anniversary surprise they planned, I laid into
her. I told her that she made her sons feel they can do nothing
right by her and that I would not listen to her bull any longer.
After about a week of her putting my hubby in the middle of it all,
and his sneaking behind my back when talking to her, I put the blame
right where it belonged ... in his lap! I told him he was responsible
for allowing her to keep those apron strings tied, and that if he
didn't start standing up to her I was history. He was so upset
at the thought of losing me that he said he would cut all ties with
her if that's what it took. I told him I was not asking for
that, just for him to be honest with her, stand up to her when needed,
and remember that if she runs his life she's running mine. It
worked, and continues to work ... we just celebrated 20 years!
9/2
|
|
Several readers have written
in about birthdays -- especially how their MIL acts on their husband's
birthday. I don't know if this is permanently the way I'm going
to deal with this, but this is regarding my MIL's birthday.
When my husband and I were first together, I joined him in trying
to help celebrate his mother's birthday. I'd get a card, pick
out presents, everything -- go to her house with him, to celebrate
-- bring a cake. Now, though, I leave it all to my DH, except
what I do behind the scenes. I make my MIL a cake, wrap the
presents, send flowers -- but HE picks out the loving card, takes
the stuff over, spends time with her, buys her the "major" present.
I think of what one reader wrote about her husband's birthday -- to
let her husband go to celebrate with his mother (who was insisting
on seeing him on that day), alone -- because she'd probably rather
just be with him (without the DIL) anyway!
I may be wrong, and this could always change, but I have the feeling
that she LOVES everything HE gives her, and doesn't really like what
I give her. (I could be completely wrong about this, though.)
I don't think that's always true, just as a rule, because she dotes
on him, and always makes a big show of affection toward him -- real
gushy indulgence.
There's that saying, "the gift without the giver is bare," and it's
hard for me to feel heartfelt warmth towards her. So it works
great to let my husband pick out the (genuinely heartfelt) gifts,
and take them to her with a genuinely good vibe that I can't exactly
put out towards her.
9/2
|
|
After I left my former
husband due to his frequent extramarital affairs, his mother told
me that all men cheat and that I would just have to get used to it!
I might add that she has been married six times, twice (and currently)
to the same man who abused her children, and has also cheated on all
of them. This is the role model my former husband grew up with!
My current mother-in-law is a wonderful person, as is my husband.
I truly believe that my former husband and his mother were lessons
I learned from to clarify what I should really accept in a relationship,
and that my husband and his mother are my rewards for lessons learned!
9/2
|
|
Oh, could I tell you all
some horror stories about my oh so wonderful mother in law and her
son, who I have been with for 15 years. First of all, my MIL
has never liked me. She has never had a kind word to say to
me, ever. She is always bragging about her other daughter in
law, how nice she is, and how cute she is, and how great she treats
her. I, on the other hand, according to her, am always doing
things purposely to hurt her. Even though I have no idea what
I have ever done to her. She complains about me cleaning too
much. I have 2 children, and I like my house neat and tidy.
She thinks I should go and visit all her wonderful friends.
I like to do family things with our children. It is more important
than her stupid friends. One time I told my in laws to have
my son, age 5, home in the afternoon so I could cut his hair.
They brought him back with a haircut. And then they said, "I
suppose you are mad about it." I said nothing, because
if I say anything to them my husband totally defends them. My
husband has a drinking problem and has abused me, and his parents
did nothing about it. For my birthday I get nothing from my
in laws. For my husband's birthday he gets a cake, presents,
and cards from them and his kids. In front of other relatives,
my MIL will bring up little silly things that I have done - like misplacing
my camera, and finding it later hanging on the chair where I had left
it. She got mad because I am going back to school. She
calls our children her son's kids. She comes over to our house
and goes into my kid's rooms just to see what I throw away.
And then b*tches later to her son about it. For Christmas she
will give my husband $500.00 and then say it was for both of us.
But I never get a cent of it. He used it to buy himself an entertainment
center for his big screen TV. She makes up lies about me to
all her friends. Not one of them is ever nice to me. She
is always pissed off if I spend any money.
9/2
|
|
Before I was married to
Jxxxx, I had once been engaged to a woman named J****, whom my mother
liked very much. After I was married, my mother, not infrequently,
would call my wife "J****r" or refer to her by that name.
9/2
|
|
My ex mother-in-law's IQ
spiked whenever spin-doctoring to maintain Von Trapp appearances,
but her boldest p.r. attempt flopped. When her well-heeled daughter
revealed her intentions (after a year of marriage) to run off with
her new lover, she recognized repeatedly my patience and discretion
in seeking understanding and attempting reconciliation. After
two months of zero-to-negative progress, she noted, "I can't blame
you for bailing out." When I did, and started a new job out-of-state,
I started hearing rumors from back home that I had verbally abused
my wife, abandoned her and joined a cult. About a dozen people
believed the mudsling for a short span, then the backwash of reality
cleaned it up. The ex-mother-in-law is now seen in public as
often as J.D. Salinger.
9/2
|
|
Oh where do I begin?
At my wedding my MIL gathered up all the food from the buffet 2 hrs
into the reception, boxed it up and took it home, after my parents
paid $1,000 for the food. Her response was, "No sense it going
to waste." After our son was born, she made the remark, "If
you weren't married I would have never believed he was my son's child."
I am blonde and my husband has dark brown hair, but until the age
of four my husband had blonde hair. Our son was born with blonde
hair. Doesn't that explain it? She ignores my children,
all 3 of them, refusing to acknowledge them. She brags about
how much abuse she put my husband through as a small child.
She thinks it is funny. She has been to my home 4 times in the
11 years we have been married, even though she has been invited several
hundred times. She told the nurses, when I delivered my second
child, to talk me into getting my tubes tied so we couldn't "reproduce"
anymore. Then she decided that, since my husband made 5 times
what my MIL and FIL make in a year combined, that I was a wasteful
spender and that I should be helping pay their bills. I could
go on and on, but it is pointless. She is a sadistic nitwit
from below who has no diplomacy or kindness or love for anyone but
herself. So, if you all think you have it bad, I'll take 30
of your MIL's for a trade-in on mine!
8/31
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "For
trade: MIL" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re: For Trade MIL
I feel your pain. My MIL is exactly the same. When my
wife and I were married, my mil said they could only help with about
one fifth of the wedding costs. She sure did help with telling
us how we had to have everything. We paid several thousand for
catering. She insisted that we have vegetable trays for our
guests while we took pictures for an hour. When we said no,
she went and bought 3 herself without us knowing. Of course,
there was tons of food left over. We then decided to donate
it to a homeless shelter, and mil said she would handle this while
we were on our honeymoon. When we got back we found that she
kept the food and distributed it among her family! My mother
paid for all the flowers and my father paid for the alcohol.
She took all of this, also. My best man made the comment, "your
mil is sure having a beautiful second wedding!"
9/2
RESPONSE: This is in response to "For trade-MIL".
Wow, I feel sorry for you. Some people do have some nerve!
I think you got lucky in one respect, though. She has been invited
that many times and only came over 4 times. That, in itself,
is a blessing. If someone said to me some of the things she
said to you - oh man. They would have to pull me off of her!
Good Luck to you.
9/2
|
|
My fiancé and I are from
different backgrounds and it seems to be causing me some problems,
especially with my future MIL. I have an extremely small family
who live about 8 hours away, so I don't get to see them very much.
His family all live in the same part of town in which we live.
Actually, his parents live around the corner from us (not my doing!).
We've been dating and living together for the past two years and will
be married in a month's time. I'm still battling my feelings
about my MIL and new family. Because his family is large and
all live nearby, we decided it would be easier for everyone involved
to have our wedding here, rather than where my family is. I
also chose as one of my bridesmaids a good friend of mine from university
who lives about 4 hours away, and has a job that doesn't allow her
to get to where we are. We decided that my bridesmaids would
get dresses at a specific store, and two of them did. My future
SIL, who is only in her late teens, just got her dress, but it's the
wrong shade of the color. My MIL said, "Too bad, all the
girls should have gone together to get a dress." We knew in
advance that wasn't possible, but everyone was flexible except for
her. It's driving me nuts! I just feel like a total outsider,
and that my family isn't even considered in this whole thing - my
parents are paying for the reception, but my MIL thinks she should
invite the entire city! We opted for a smaller wedding, and
now I'm beginning to wish we had eloped. I think she might be
ticked off because we're doing all of the planning ourselves, seeing
as we're also paying for a large part of it too. It's been two
years, and I still don't feel a part of my future family, and I feel
outnumbered, as my family is so far away! Our backgrounds are
a little different too. A lot of things that go on in his family
I don't agree with, but bite my tongue. I'm curious to know
what other people do, who have family some distance away and don't
have that grounding influence. Thanks for reading my rambling.
8/31
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "stranger
in a strange town" in your response.
RESPONSE: stranger in a strange town :
Well, with the exception of where my family lives, your story sounds
a lot like mine. My family all live close by, but the rest of
it is the same. My parents are paying for our reception and
my future MIL has complained about everything. We are paying
for all the other stuff: photographer, DJ, etc. She still complains.
We have a limit on the guest list and only 100 invitations, no more,
no less. Yet she wants us to invite everyone she has ever met.
She actually told me that she "didn't know how many people we were
having, so she didn't add any of her friends or her co-workers" as
if she were doing me a favor! Like I am really going to invite
HER co-workers? I learned months ago to stop discussing the
wedding plans with her. So now she's been going after my mother
for the information. My mom keeps telling me that she asks all
these questions about the guest list, which my own mom isn't even
involved in. I think it's so rude of her to go behind our backs
that way. I figure that she must realize that we're purposely
not sharing info or else she wouldn't go to other sources. That
bothers me. There is information that we are not ready to discuss
with her, due to the arguments that we know will happen, yet she just
has to go digging for it. And, like you, I feel like an outsider
with her. She has made several comments that I really don't
like. She told me once that her kids know that they can "
ALWAYS come back home," like she's warning me or something.
As if her son won't hesitate to go home to her if we broke up.
I happen to know that, short of becoming homeless, he'd never go back
to living at her house.
She always speaks for other people. She loves to speak for the
whole family. She went and told my mom all about how her "whole
family" hates her ex-husband, my future FIL, because of all the imaginary
things he did to her. My almost FIL is a good person.
He's never been anything but nice to me. He and his wife live
out of state, so whenever he talks to my almost-hub on the phone,
he asks to speak to me just to say "hi." If I'm not there, he
passes along a, "Say hi to her for me." After we got engaged,
he and his wife sent a congratulations card, and he told me on the
phone how he was happy to have me in the family. Know what we
got from the MIL when we told her? First, she almost cried.
NOT tears of joy. Later, we were at a restaurant, and a few
times I caught her staring at the ring on my finger as if it meant
the end of the world. A few days later, when we announced the
wedding, she said that she though, "just for a second", that it was
because I was pregnant (I wasn't). Never once did she wish me,
or her son, congratulations. Never once has she said anything
encouraging to me about it, and she definitely never told me she was
happy to have me in the family.
8/31
RESPONSE: stranger in a strange town :
Boy, I can relate to you! My family lives hours away as well,
with the in-laws only minutes away, and it makes it so hard.
The sense of loneliness can be difficult, especially when you're surrounded
by his family who are so different from your own. What I have
done is stay in close contact with my family using e-mail and the
phone. I tell them the crazy things the in-laws do, and they
laugh with me at the bizarre nature of it all. It does sound
comical afterwards, though not when it is happening. My mom
calls right after a planned in-law visit to make sure I survived.
My friends are also an important support group, even though some of
them live far away as well. But again, that's where e-mail and
the phone come in. We also planned our wedding here where we
live, close to his family. Luckily, I didn't have a SIL that
I felt obligated to invite. Of course, MIL was trying to butt
in every chance she got. She thought that, since she lived so
close, she would "stand in" for my mom and make all the decisions
- NOT! We just kept her in the dark about everything.
We gave her enough information to plan the rehearsal dinner, because
that's the only thing she paid for. My friends/bridesmaids that
lived nearby were very supportive in helping me make decisions, and
I would keep my parents up-to-date on everything so they felt included.
I bought my wedding dress on a visit to my parent's home town so that
my mom could go with me. MIL was ticked off about that one,
oh well! It's hard, I know, but try to not feel isolated, and
surround yourself with friends who care about you. Keep in contact
with your family so you still feel connected to them. Hopefully
you get along with your own family. Even though they're far
away, you're still in each other's hearts. Good luck!
8/31
RESPONSE: stranger in a strange town:
Honey, I feel your pain! Let me tell you, it is only going to
get worse unless you put your foot down NOW! You might come
across as a b*tch, but you have to do it. People like your MIL
to be are controlling, manipulative, temperamental creatures of nature.
She will NEVER change. If I were you, and I know I am not, I
would tell "dear" MIL that, since your SIL's dress does not match,
she will not be in the wedding, and refund her money that she spent
on the dress. Tell her you apologize, but you do not want things
started off on the wrong foot. The NERVE of that woman saying,
"Oh well,". THIS IS YOUR DAY GIRL! Your day to be the
Queen of the day. Look into the future for a second here with
me. You have your first born on the couch with you, you are
breastfeeding, and your MIL is right THERE looking at your boob saying,
"Is he getting enough? I don't know WHY you are breastfeeding!
There is perfectly good formula out there. Is he warm enough?
Did you sterilize that pacifier? You really ought to put a blanket
on that baby! He will call me GRAND MOMMY!!" Get
the picture? I have been there. Please, for your own well
being, put your foot down now! <Disclaimer> I am not a counselor,
or anything like that. lol
8/31
RESPONSE: Re: Stranger in a Strange Town.
When I read your post I felt so much identification with your situation.
My husband has a huge family too, and mine is scattered all over the
country. We tried to plan a small, then a big, wedding and ended
up eloping. We've been married for 8 years now. It has
had it's ups and downs as far as relations with his family.
They can really take over your life, especially if they are close.
I felt like an outsider too, at first. The only thing I can
say about that is that, now that I feel very comfortable with them,
sometimes I feel it was more fun being an outsider! You will
have squabbles, expect them. Try to be understanding.
Some of the things they do will shock you, but sometimes you will
feel a tremendous amount of love for these people. I have gotten
very close with some of my sister-in-laws and some of hubby's cousins.
I cherish the friendships I have made. It isn't a bed of roses,
but it isn't all bad. You will see. Just be patient and
tolerant. Best of all, try to have a sense of humor about it.
I wish you well, and hope your situation turns out at least as well
as mine has. Do your best to stay in touch with your family
and friends. You are right, they will always be a grounding
influence. Try to always have someone outside the family that
you can confide in. I have found that things really get around
in a large family. By the time what you say gets back to you,
it is not what you have said at all. "Keep your words soft and
sweet, for tomorrow you may have to eat them," as the saying goes.
Best wishes!
9/2
|
|
A week after my father
died we were at my MIL's House for my husband's birthday. I
was rather sad that day, and was not saying much. My MIL had
to leave, a friend was picking her up. She asked my husband
if he remembered her friend and her friend's daughter. She further
asked if he remembered how she and her friend wanted to get the two
of them together in the hope they would be a great couple and marry.
I went home that day feeling worse. My husband later confronted
his mother who began to cry, and called all of the family to tell
how upset she was that he confronted her, and she turned the situation
into one where she was the victim, not the instigator. Since
then there have been many of these incidents. My husband and
I sought the advice of a professional and we stopped all contact for
18 months. Now, a year after contact has resumed, the remarks
are beginning again, but are about our adopted children. We
fully intend to tell her at the next face to face opportunity that
she is not expected to love our children if that is not in her heart,
but, if she is to continue to be part of our life, she will respect
their feelings, give them gifts the equivalent of the other children,
and not say things about them in jest or question their heritage.
I fully anticipate another rerun of the victim scenario.
8/31
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "MIL
vs. the truth" in your response.
RESPONSE: MIL vs. the Truth
I too had a problem with my MIL and the adoption of our children.
When she first found out I was unable to have children and we were
planning to adopt, her first comment was, "ALL ADOPTED KIDS ARE
SOCIOPATHS." The conversation went downhill from there,
and I left the room in tears. My husband, of course, didn't
feel comfortable confronting her, so that was that. Then, through
the years, all I hear is, "when our other son has children then
we (MIL and FIL) will have real grandchildren." I don't
know who she thinks she is, but it has caused immense stress in our
marriage, and I now refer to her as the QUEEN of MEAN.
9/2
|
|
My MIL is a real pain.
She is very manipulative, tries to butt in and take control of everything
we do, and tells lies about me to her friends to make herself look
like "poor me, look what I have to put up with." Although I
have many stories to tell, this is the most recent. She told
a lie to her friends about my dh and me to make us look like real
pains in the a**, and to make herself look taken advantage of.
I found this out because she made a comment in front of us and her
friends about this certain incident that wasn't true. I am always
so shocked when she does this I hardly know what to say to defend
myself. I let out a meek, "that wasn't what happened", but she
quickly talked over me so she wouldn't be busted. Later on,
I decided to tell the real story that would make it clear what happened
and that she left a lot of the facts out to make herself look good.
As I started telling the story, she loudly says, "We don't want to
hear about this, its boring." Luckily, the other people
were curious and I told them the story and mentioned that I couldn't
believe she said what she said earlier that day. My husband
backed me up on the facts. Needless to say, they were shocked.
She didn't know what to say. This seems to be a pattern with
her. She is always telling people stories that aren't true,
and she makes digs about me constantly. I know this, because
my SIL told me (this confirmed my suspicions). Fortunately,
my SIL (her daughter) told her that, if she was going to talk that
way about me, she didn't want to hear it. What can I do about
this? She does this to every woman. It's almost like she
has to compete with people and run them down to make herself look
good. With her manipulative behavior, she has already run off
two of the wives of men in the family. They no longer attend
any family functions. She tells everybody that they are crazy
and have problems. I fear that, if I continue to try to defend
myself, I will be next. My husband says that she's always been
this way, and to just ignore her like he does. We are extremely
nice and respectful to her, but I'm tired of being the big person.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
8/31
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "MIL
Fables" in your response.
RESPONSE: Mother-in-Law Fables.
Your MIL sounds like my SIL (Brother's wife) exactly. Sorry,
no offense, but this is what my SIL has been doing to me for the last
4 years. I have ignored her. The people who want to listen
to her are not worth my friendship, and I get on with Life.
But it is not easy. Because she messed up quite a few relationships
of mine. But this does not bother me any more.
9/2
RESPONSE: MIL fables response --
I know someone who sounds just like your MIL. If it's any comfort
to you, EVERYONE sees her as a difficult, problematic person (I think,
personally, that she's mentally ill -- but she makes everyone ELSE
sound mentally ill when she talks about them! And then, when
you MEET them, they're perfectly great! She always sees everyone
else as dysfunctional and tragic, when really, they're perfectly nice,
normal people, and SHE'S the dysfunctional one -- to the max!)
Probably, a lot of people feel sorry for you for having to put up
with her. I know I feel sorry for the two DILs of this woman.
She's so spiteful and malicious to them (she made me sick - she'd
go on and on about them in a catty way behind their backs) -- she
gets them Christmas presents like hair dye (hinting that they don't
look good enough -- and they look perfectly beautiful!). SHE,
on the other hand, is horrid -- fat, with a turned-up nose -- she
actually looks rather like a pig, especially with her red hair and
pink complexion! But her daughters-in-law are very attractive
-- I wonder if she's just jealous. I don't know. She's
just nasty about everyone.
For a while I worked for this awful woman. One day she was complaining
about her DIL, and I tried to remind her of how I remembered them
as getting along well (trying to get her to think positive).
And, unforgettably, she answered me by making a pouty face, looking
me straight in the eye, and saying, "I don't LIKE other people. I
like ME." What a wacko! Well, what she doesn't realize
is, if she doesn't like other people, they're not going to like her,
either. And nobody does. She's nasty about everyone, even
her best friends (her ONLY friends ... they feel sorry for her, and
I'm sure that's why they even keep her in their lives) and her husband
and kids. Everyone avoids her. Oh, I have a question for
you. Is your MIL very, very loud and talkative? This awful
woman interrupts everyone, talks nonstop in a loud, throaty voice.
You try meekly to say something, and she just drowns you out!
Well, this is more venting than helpful -- but one thing that might
be helpful: having a sense of humor ALL THE TIME seems to be the ONLY
way to deal with this woman. Just don't show her your sensitive
side. Don't let her get you upset -- just keep this droll, funny
kind of persona. That was the ONLY way to get along with THIS
woman. Just keep your sense of humor at all times -- like an
armor!
9/2
|
|
This is a very strange
situation. I am currently living with my ex husband. We
were dating for 4 yrs. Our relationship started in high school.
We planned on getting married in Sept of '96, and when my fiancé at
the time told his Mother, she immediately thought that it was way
too soon for us to get married. We told her in January about
our plans. His parents were going to be moving out of state
within a few months, so he moved out and got his own place.
I was still living with my parents at the time. Well, his parents
made their move, wanting him to go too. Everyone knew I wouldn't
go, though, so he stayed. I told him that, if it meant his happiness,
he needed to go with his parents. He said that I was his happiness,
and he wanted to stay with me. So, I ended up finding out I
was pregnant in June of '96, three months before our wedding.
So we moved the wedding up to July. His parents did not come
to the wedding. They say it is because they didn't have the
money to fly down or drive down. I could just imagine how he
must have felt, knowing that his parents were not going to be attending
his wedding. I felt so bad for him. After the wedding
... I think they sent $25.00 as a gift. They hadn't paid for
any of the wedding, or helped in any way. My parents paid for
the entire wedding, alone. It made me sick to think about how
selfish they could be. Here, they moved into a brand new home,
and were making it enough to the point that his mother didn't even
have to work, and all their son is worth to them was $25.00.
I wish they would have only sent a card!
9/1
|
|
My dear father recently
passed away after a long illness. My husband asked my MIL and
FIL to give us some space during this time (except he was much, MUCH
more tactful than that! He just told them it wasn't a good time
for a visit). I'm very apprehensive, because I recently wrote
a note to my in-laws re-inviting them to come and visit. I did
this partly for my mother, because she'd like them to visit her --
and for my husband, who would like his parents to feel more welcome
here. But, just between us?, I can't get ENOUGH of their staying
away! So please wish me well ... and my in-laws, too.
8/31
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Blissful
Silence" in your response.
|
|
My husband and I have
only been married a short while, and we are expecting our first child.
My MIL has threatened to disown her son because he did not do something
for her exactly when she requested it. She has told him that
he has changed since he married me, and refers to him as Mr. (enter
my maiden name). She hates my mother, and said that the only
reason she came to our wedding is due to out-of-town family being
there. Then, after all of this, she said to him that he made
a good choice marrying me? Confused - I am too. I feel
she hates me and secretly wishes that I never came into her son's
life. At our wedding, she ignored everyone from my family, and
manipulated several people from my husband's side to do the same.
It did not go unnoticed, and I had several in my family ask me what
they did and why they were being treated like dirt. I am very
hurt, and do not know how to handle all of this - I wish you all the
best, and I hope both of our situations find some way to resolve themselves.
I am afraid that our lives will be filled with conflict and manipulation.
I was raised to respect people - but how do you respect someone like
this?
8/31
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "WWIII"
in your response.
RESPONSE: WWIII:
I can only say I sympathize, and send you my best wishes that things
change and it gets better. I, too, have a bad situation with
my MIL involving the joining of two families. My fiancé and
I are getting married this year after a year of engagement.
She wants NOTHING, and I MEAN NOTHING, to do with my side of the family.
She threw her own shower. Because her family is so big, she
wouldn't have room to accommodate the 15 people that make up my entire
immediate and extended family. Now after all of this, and that
is only one incident, she has decided to invite my parents to dinner
three weeks before the wedding. Hello, that is the time that
I will be the most stressed out and tempers will be soaring.
Anyhow, as you can see, I do empathize with your situation.
I sincerely hope you have good luck in resolving this issue.
8/31
|
|
This story, in its entirety,
is relocated here from last week due to recent receipt of a new response:
I enjoy reading everyone's stories and seeing how the advice relates
to me. I have had a difficult time with my MIL for the past
four years. My H doesn't really defend my honor. My MIL
does NOT speak to me. I have never done anything wrong towards
her, except marry her son. I am at my wit's end. She can
be downright evil to me, but of course, not in front of my husband.
I have told my H that I don't want to have any contact with her, since
she doesn't talk to me anyway. His birthday is coming up, and
MIL insists on having dinner at her house. I, of course, would
rather have it here. I told my husband to go by himself and
pursue the relationship with his parents independently. What
should I do? Am I doing the right thing? I would love
advice, input, encouragement ...
8/16
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "B'day
Dinner at MIL?" in your response.
RESPONSE: B'day Dinner at MIL?
That is so ironic reading your question, my situation is EXACTLY the
same. The best advice I can give, you can only "save face and
keep the peace" so long before you have to just either confront her
and ask her what her damn problem is, or just avoid them at all costs,
until your H asks her for himself and figures out what the deal is.
I'm starting to think sometimes H's are just on turtle speed when
it comes to accepting reality and problems and seeing things for how
they really are. However, in my case, its not the MIL, its the
SIL. If you want to hear my problem keep reading. Years
ago, my H's sister and I used to go to happy hours, hang out, etc.
'til the day she found out he and I were secretly messing around (we
weren't ready to tell anyone yet because he is 3 years younger than
me and at that time he was only 22 and I was 25, and we weren't sure
if we were serious or not, so it wasn't anyone's business anyway).
When she figured it out, she did a complete 180. Like WE PURPOSELY
HURT HER FEELINGS or something. It was none of her damn business,
but she thinks EVERYTHING is her business. My H (boyfriend at
the time) and I, later on, had a child, married, and have a second
child, happily married. We've been together for 8 years now.
She hasn't changed. She still shows me nothing but disrespect
and hate (such as not talking to me when I enter the room, doesn't
look at ME when she is speaking to me, gives my H photos of her son
addressed to Uncle, not Aunt and Uncle, just little things that you
wouldn't do if you were fine with someone. I just don't get
it ... its so amazingly weird.) However, if she needs something,
she actually has the gall to try to be my best friend. She's
two-faced, deceitful, talks about everyone in her family behind their
backs .... I could vomit. She also lies to my H (her brother)
and twists things around so I look like the bad guy. I have
never done anything to her but marry her brother. (A problem, I guess,
since I didn't ask for HER permission to fall in love with him).
8/23
RESPONSE: B'day Dinner at MIL?
My relationship with my MIL is very similar to yours. My MIL
does speak to me though. That is part of the problem: she never
leaves us alone. She wants to do everything with us, and then
cries when she doesn't get her way. It took a long time, but
my husband has finally seen the situation from my point of view, and
told his mother to back off and learn her limits. In your post
you said that your husband doesn't defend your honor. I think
that this has to be done before the situation will improve.
My husband and I fought many times over this situation, and I even
considered a divorce. Our relationship was perfect in every
other way, but this problem was destroying us. After many heated
arguments, my husband finally realized that I was not going to put
up with this woman controlling my life. You and your husband
have your own family to start, and she needs to realize that she is
not his priority any longer. My husband's birthday is a problem
every single year. She insists on spending the day with him.
I am sorry, but it just makes me nauseous. I have put up with
this for 7 years, and there will not be an 8th. My husband doesn't
even want to spend his birthday with her, but she insists. Next
year, he can celebrate his birthday with her by himself, and then
I will celebrate it with him at another time. This may sound
selfish, since it is my husband's birthday, but I am tired of doing
things her way every single year. I say you should do the same.
Let him celebrate his birthday with her how she wants to, and then
you two can celebrate it together later. Why should you have
subject yourself to her rudeness? Let him go alone. It's
probably what she wants anyway.
8/31
RESPONSE: B'day Dinner at MIL?
I think both you and the lady who responded to you have great ideas.
Just let him go alone (yes, it's probably what she wants, anyway --
or, at least, she wouldn't make it nice for you if you were there),
and celebrate together later! How much nicer not to have to
deal with her! Why force yourself? My MIL is welcome to
spend all the time she wants with my husband, as long as I don't have
to be there! And, as long as she isn't trying to KEEP me from
spending time with him (which she isn't). It sounds like you've
solved the problem!
8/31
RESPONSE: response to "b'day dinner at MIL?"
If she treats you bad, why be where she can have the opportunity to
continue to be rude to you? Take some pride in yourself and
never let anyone treat you bad. I finally did, and I feel so
great!!!
8/31
RESPONSE: Re: Responder to B'Day at MIL.
I know you didn't ask for any response but I feel compelled to respond.
I have had my share of SIL problems. And, although I don't feel
you were wrong, it seems as though you and your dh could have handled
the situation with your former friend/now SIL differently. It's
childish of her to still have this anger towards you. But, I
imagine it was not just that you did not inform her of your relationship
with her brother, but because you were supposed to be her friend.
I know that it always irritated me a bit when my brothers went after
my friends, because they were my friends and I didn't always want
to share them. But, I'm sure if they found love with any of
them I would be happy for them. I imagine your former friend/SIL
would have just appreciated you telling her what was going on, and
not had to figure it out, regardless of whether or not it was her
business. I imagine you told her other things that weren't really
her business if you were her friend. I'm not trying to make
you angry, but have you considered these things?
9/1
|
|
I have a question.
Is it correct for a mother-in-law to wear an off-white gown to her
son's wedding? I asked my mother-in-law to show me her dress
before the wedding and she would not. The color was extremely
close to white. In photos it looks white. It was an evening
wedding. My relatives all made comments to me on my wedding
day. She also did the same thing to my brother-in-law's wife.
(Wearing white) My sister-in-law says that I'm a hillbilly.
Am I? No one else wore white gowns to either wedding.
Just the bride and mother-in-law. My mom wore pale blue.
I think if anyone was entitled to wear white or off-white it would
have been my mom. MIL also throws surprise B'day parties for
my husband and does not tell me. What do you think of that?
8/23
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Off-Color
MIL" in your response.
RESPONSE: response to 'off-color MIL'
Your MIL either knew exactly what she was doing by wearing that dress,
or she is completely ignorant to wedding etiquette. From your
story submission, it sounds like she knew exactly what she was doing,
since she refused to show you her dress before your wedding.
She was trying to "show up" you and your SIL at both your weddings,
obviously. It sounds like it was her way of showing everyone
- your family and hers - that she's still in control.
8/31
RESPONSE: Off-Color MIL:
Sorry, but in my opinion, your MIL is a b*tch. I would kill
mine if she did that! No, it is not correct for a MIL (or anyone
else) to wear a white dress/gown to a wedding! That is completely
TACKY! That is why people made comments to you. Off white
is still close enough to white to make it inappropriate. Tacky
tacky TACKY! My own wedding is coming up soon, and if I see
anyone wearing white or anything close, I will speak to them about
it. Hey, if they are tacky enough to do it, then I feel justified
to point out how inappropriate it is. And she did this at her
other son's wedding too? Sound like someone can't stand it if
she's not getting enough attention. My own MIL is kind of like
that too. The surprise parties with out telling you ... that's
just horrible. It might do you wise to pack up your hubby and
your home and get as far away from her as possible.
8/31
RESPONSE: Off-Color MIL:
I don't think you are a hillbilly at all. In fact, I have always
been told that it is wrong to wear white, or even off-white, to a
wedding because it is the bride's color and distracts attention away
from her. The bride is supposed to be the star, not the mothers.
"Nice" mothers wear a pastel dress or gown in a conservative cut for
daytime. A darker color is permissible for evening, but never
black or red. Look it up in an etiquette book. You will
find that you are correct.
8/31
RESPONSE: Off-Color MIL:
Most people have done away with the "you can't wear red, black or
white to a wedding" rules of etiquette. It is no longer an inappropriate
thing to do. Many brides choose white and black for the attire
of their bridesmaids. I wouldn't fret over this if I were you.
I seriously doubt she could have been as beautiful as I'm sure you
were, or shined as brightly as you did on your wedding day.
8/31
RESPONSE: Off-Color MIL:
My MIL wore her wedding dress to our wedding. It was not a traditional
wedding dress, but it was her wedding dress. I should have known
it wasn't going to get much better. She gave me the rubber mat
that goes under a dish drainer for Christmas one year after showering
my husband with gift after gift. It's pretty much gone down
hill quickly after that.
8/31 |
|
|
|
Working Women Don't Have Wives