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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 9/23/00
<--Previous Archive
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Here are just a few events
which will illustrate what I have suffered over the years:
The week before I married, my H-to-be and I had just finished sorting
out and arranging our new (and some old) furnishings in our new home.
I was young, and thrilled with how nice it all looked. The doorbell
rang, and there stood MIL-to-be with BIL-to-be. We showed them
around proudly, then invited them to be seated whilst we went and
made coffee for them. When we returned, I was unable to get
into my living room, as she was shouting to BIL to hold the door shut
to stop me from getting in. Eventually I was allowed in and
saw that she had completely re-arranged the room, which she pronounced
looked "much better".
When my children were growing, I took a degree course including an
honors level history research component. As a result, I was
asked to give a talk about my research and findings to a local society.
I was very nervous about this, but eventually I agreed. I read
up on public speaking, practiced, and although it was a packed house
and I started nervously, I think I did quite well. When I answered
my final question and thanked my audience, my MIL rose from her seat
in the front row, turned around, and gave them a little talk about
how this was her daughter-in-law's first attempt at public speaking,
and how she thought I deserved a little extra applause for being so
brave. She then turned and led the clapping. I felt sooooo
embarrassed. My face went bright red. I had asked if she
would like to come, but had no idea what she was planning. My
SIL who had accompanied me to give much needed moral support summed
it up: you have plenty to say, but didn't really want to get up there
and say it. She has nothing to say and resents that she wasn't
asked up there to talk, because she wants to be the center of attention.
One final little snippet. She came to look after my boys for
a week while H and I went for a week's holiday. During this
time she went into the dark bottom recesses behind our hot tank and
took out my odd sock bag. She then invited all her friends over
for an afternoon and spread them on the floor, and invited them to
laugh with her over the sheer number of odd socks. I only know
about this because my neighbor happened to go around and caught her.
I am certain she checked into all my drawers, and I know that she
excavated to the bottom of my teenage son's big drawer, because this
was where he kept his most treasured memento. When we had moved
districts, all his friends at his old school had signed the shirt
he was wearing in all different colors and in ink. His years
at that school, with those kids, had been his very happiest.
He arrived home from school and his Grandmother handed him a newly
laundered shirt which was two sizes too small for him. She explained
that she hadn't been able to get quite all the ink out. No,
I couldn't imagine how she could be so senseless either. I could
go on ...
9/19
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I dated a guy for several
years just out of high school. Looking back, I realize that
it was a total mistake. He had been with a good friend of mine
for several months, but she couldn't take his mother's interference
in their lives. I worked with his mom for about a year and always
really liked her. She was warm and funny, and loved to cook.
My friend had told me all about her interference, but I just didn't
believe her. Well, that was my first mistake. As soon
as BF and I started dating, she refused to speak to me, badmouthed
me behind my back, and immediately put both of us on the defensive.
I tried to talk to her, but she just told me that I was too controlling
and should let her son have his space. Now, granted, both of
us had gotten into some pretty terrible things in high school, and
I can understand her not wanting that to happen again. But that
was five years before, and we were both in college and we weren't
even sleeping together, for God's sake! He and I dated for almost
three years. It was a complete and total circus. We would
be out on a date, and his mother would have him paged at the restaurant
or the movie, or wherever we were, and tell him he was late for his
curfew (even at six pm) and to get his butt home! At the beginning,
he would tell her that he would be home when the movie was over or
when we were done eating. But after awhile, I guess, he just
couldn't take it. The worst thing about it was that after we
broke up and were just friends again, his mother started being really
nice again! I couldn't believe it!
9/19
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Oh boy ... did I find the
right place!! Hubby and I have been married almost 4 years,
with an almost 2 year old child. MIL (monster in law) was tolerated
fairly easily until the the first blow up (the first time we saw her
after we were married ... we eloped but told everyone ... we're in
our 30's and couldn't justify the cost)
So, this blowup caught us by surprise and consisted of her basically
reinventing the past to suit her. I am a very giving person
and would always not only do my share of helping/cleaning/setting
the table, but I would cook meals from scratch and bring them to help
her out (and because she got frazzled just by cooking a meal for 4).
She claimed I never helped her, and she got in our face.
This woman is the queen of manipulators ... has wrapped her 3 sons
around her finger, and somehow taught them all to be responsible for
HER, for her happiness, for everything. They pay her bills (she's
divorced and can't hold down a job ... keeps getting fired), fix her
roof, etc. I've heard her planning on how to "get" all the people
at the jobs that got her fired because they were jealous of her.
All my husband's friends know her as being "crazy". She's also
ultra religious ... goes to church several times a day, has paraphernalia
all over her house. Not that there's anything wrong with being
religious, but I think it's quote hypocritical to be so religious
AND be so mean spirited and hateful.
She's been in/out of our lives. My husband sought counseling
to try to get out from under her manipulative manner/control and has
come a long way. She didn't speak to us all throughout my pregnancy
... then hubby felt guilty and called her after our son was born.
We allowed her in our lives again and she behaved for about 6 months,
and then started slipping back into the same routines. When
we tried to set boundaries she said, "you can't tell me what to do"
and would stomp off for another few months, then call after she felt
the dust had settled.
This woman believes that if you disagree with her that you are being
disrespectful. In an argument with another of her sons, she
asked my husband his opinion. When his opinion sided with the
other brother, she got furious with my husband saying, "if you didn't
agree with me, you should have kept your mouth shut".
Some wonderful things she said to her children when they were young,
to a 7 year old leaving with his savings to buy mom a Xmas gift, "if
it's not in a Lord & Taylor box, don't bother." To
a sick child, "don't you dare get sick and ruin my night."
We had to stop eating at her house because her food is not just bad,
but is spoiled. She has a little pantry room without a heat
duct and constantly used it as a fridge ... putting pots of meat on
the floor for days. Uggh. Cookies usually lasted in tins
for years (we had to secretly tell all the holiday guests not to eat
the cookies).
She is certifiable ... and yet everyone else in the world is the one
with the problem. Especially me. I was brought up to be
respectful, but to not let anyone walk all over me, AND that exchanges
between people were healthy.
There's more ... WAY more ... like how taking an al anon course has
given her years of saying, "I'm an expert in therapy". She says
mean, hurtful critical things all the time and there are never any
consequences ... EVER. Until me.
Tonight, after months of not talking ... we arranged for her to visit
her grandson at her request. She is leaving next week to visit
her mother in Ireland, and didn't know how to tell her she hasn't
seen her grandson in 10 months (good reason to visit, huh?)
Anyhow ... we somewhat accommodated her ... we don't put our lives
in disarray anymore (she's always hours late ... screws up our day/night,
etc.)
She walked in (45 minutes late) and before she even put her purse
down ... she was making comments. She was all upset about driving
at night (helpless is her game) and how unreasonable it was of us
to expect her to drive at night. Forget that she hasn't worked
in 10 months and lives only 25 minutes away ... she'd never consider
coming during the day ... only when hubby is home. She also
can't make plans more than a week in advance ... (but she does for
things she wants to do). Anyhow ... I told her she could come
anytime ... and not to "go there". After a few choice words
back and forth ... I told her that there wasn't much time before the
baby had to get to bed so she should just go spend some time with
him. She refused, wanting her say.
As per usual ... she continued to beat a dead horse ... my husband
asking about 10 times for her to cut it out. Then warned her
she'd have to leave if she didn't stop. She didn't stop ...
and he asked her to leave. She said, yes ... that she would
leave after her grandson went to bed, and then continued with the
comments (stuff like how disrespectful I am). She continued,
and my husband jumped up and said, "that's it ... you don't insult
my wife in our home ... you are leaving." I took my son
in to change his diaper and get him away from the chaos.
She refused to leave ... sat down and said, "you'll have to call
the police to get me out of here." My hubby worked on getting
her to leave for a while. I was washing my hands and she shouted
to me that I was hurting my son, I was the problem ... etc. ... I
told her to stop yelling and to leave my home. AND, that I would
definitely call the police if she didn't leave. My hubby literally
pulled her out of the house by the arm.
Whew. BUT for the first time in our marriage ... we didn't fight
after being around the MIL (monster in law). It was our "unitedness"
that made it easier. lol ... she also said that I had brainwashed
her son ... and I just laughed and told her I just picked up where
she left off. lol
I can't imagine going through this without the support of my husband.
Ladies out there ... in my opinion ... the PROBLEM is NOT these crazy
monsters ... but their sons!! All this time, it was my husband
NOT standing up for us as a family and allowing his mother to walk
all over us ('cause nothing I said made a dent) that was the problem.
Because the bottom line is that she will never "change"
... we will be dealing with her the rest of our lives. BUT,
she now, for the first time ever, knows there are consequences for
her actions/words. We won't be seeing her any time soon, but
down the line ... a month, a year ... whatever ... she will come over,
and when she crosses the line ... we will throw her out. Eventually,
if she wants to have a relationship with us ... she will learn to
keep her bad self in check (or at least get tired of wasting the trip).
It's the best I can hope for.
I look forward to sharing with other MIL victims. It's weird
being "hated" ... it's definitely something that needs a
support group out there.
9/17
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Threw
MIL Out" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re: Threw MIL out
Boy, do I know what you mean about having a MIL who has never had
to deal with the consequences of her behavior, "EVER", until you came
along. Breaking the cycle of dysfunction and control for the
sake of our families and our own sanity doesn't make us (DIL's) very
popular, does it? MIL's like ours hate us because they fear
us -- they do not have a lifetime of browbeating and guilt-trips to
wield over us like they do our dh's. And you are absolutely
right, the dh who allows his mother's unacceptable behavior to continue
is the one to blame. I couldn't believe how fast my MIL backed down
from me once I finally sprouted the backbone to tell her off!
AND, my dh's comment, "My Mom is NOT used to getting her a$$ chewed
like that!", was very telling to me. It told me that I had been
expecting her to respect boundaries, when she didn't even know what
boundaries were! Now that she knows I will only be pushed so
far before I push back, she's stopped bothering me altogether.
I think my dh and his sister are quietly envious of my hard won position
in the family. Yes, I'm the "b!%ch", but I'm also
the mother of the only grandchild, and I will protect what is mine
like a tigress. My MIL treats my ds like a trophy, ignores him
for months at a time, yet the second her favorite drinking buddies
blow into town she expects us to hand him over so that she can play
doting grandma and pretend she's loving and attentive and normal.
It's a complete charade, much like your MIL getting a visit in before
her trip so that she doesn't have to lie to avoid looking neglectful
to her grandchild. Disgusting, isn't it?
9/18
RESPONSE: "Threw MIL out"
Hooray! Your husband has backbone! You hit the nail on
the head when you stated it's the place of the husbands to put their
mothers in check. Mine finally did and it saved our marriage.
Your emotionally disturbed MIL sounds just like my MIL. Being
away from her has been the best solution to saving our marriage and
my sanity.
9/19
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My fiancé and I have been
together for four years, and two years ago when we got engaged and
started living together things got really strange. My mil and
her half of their family decided they were going to make my life miserable.
They started talking about me and my family, and even went as far
as to say that I faked a tubal pregnancy the year before. They
don't like me because I'm bi-racial (they are black). They seem
to think that I'm taking their son away from his family. Last
year when my fiancé went to put my engagement ring on layaway she
came up with this big need for his sister to have a new car, and of
course he had to buy it and have the payment taken directly out of
his paycheck every two weeks. He agreed to this because she
said she would pay the payment to him every month. That was
last May and we have yet to see a payment. As a result, I did
not get the ring that we had originally chosen, and I did not receive
it on New Years as I was promised after all this had occurred.
The thing is that, right around the time that we started planning
our life together this all started happening. The day that my
fiancé went and got the loan for his sister, he told me he was going
to get a loan for us to go on a vacation we had planned for the next
week. Well, he came home an hour later and said, "I got
a car loan for my sister. Deal with it!!" I spent
several weeks away, but we got back together. This year has
taken the drama to a whole new phase. Just last week his cousin
invited us out for a couple of drinks. We get there and he starts
on how I think I'm so uppity, and I can never associate with the family,
and I'm the reason why he and my fiancé don't have a close relationship
any longer. He also said that the family is saying all these
choice things about me. (he was the one that got my fiancé and
I TOGETHER IN THE FIRST PLACE). He then called me a B****!
The next day my mother called his mother to ask what was going on?
His mom told my mom that I'm Right!!! She asked to speak to
me, and told me I need to rise above all of this, and that if I do
not attend any of their family events when I marry "HER SON" I won't
be any DIL OF HERS. I'm so very tired of her and her side of
his families BS. I'm ready to leave my soul mate in order to
have some peace!! I'm currently suffering high blood pressure
and panic attacks as a result of all of this nonsense, and it is so
much more than I can ever write. Please Respond!!
9/16
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Trying
To Deal With It" in your response.
RESPONSE: "Trying to Deal With It"
You cannot fight this losing battle. Your fiancé is the one
that has to grow up and "see" how manipulating and self-centered his
family is. It will take courage on his part to set the boundaries,
and it may even cause him to be alienated by them, but the payoff
will be maturity. Don't personalize what they're doing as something
you have done wrong. These people are mean and would treat any
woman in his life the same way. Why do you consider this the
man of your dreams if he can't even get his priorities straight?
9/17
RESPONSE: "trying to deal with it"
Ummm, clearly your man is not your soul mate. If he was your
soul mate, he wouldn't allow his family to treat you the way they
do and put you second behind them. Run far away, right now.
9/17
RESPONSE: Re: Trying to Deal With It:
I am an African-American woman with African-American in-laws who treat
me much the same way as yours. Having been on this board for
some time, I can also tell you that women of all races are treated
much the same as you, so you can rest assured that, like the responder
above said, they would probably treat any woman in your fiancé's life
the same way. Having said that, I must ask why you would let
this group (your fiancé included) treat you this way. You are
allowing him, and them, to set up a pattern for future treatment of
you, and the treatment, from what you described, is emotionally abusive.
Once my dh's cousin said some very disrespectful things to me in front
of dh (we were forced to sue him) and I was stunned. My husband
was also stunned, but he is the type of person who, when he is stunned
he is paralyzed and cannot react. Although I understand this,
it certainly didn't make his lack of action in the face of his cousin's
comments any easier to take. However, in hindsight I realize
that I should have stood up for myself (I know, had MY cousin done
the same thing, I would have stood up for my husband). More
than likely, your fiancé's mother and sister are single women and
have probably used your fiancé as a surrogate husband, and that is
why they resent you. Which also may be why they have a sense
of entitlement where the car loan (come on - he's buying her the car)
is concerned. They are doing what they can to come between the
two of you, and he is so thickheaded that he can't see it. I
assume you are young, so if your blood pressure is up this is not
a good thing. Please talk to your doctor about what it means
to have your blood pressure up for long periods of time. Eventually,
that is a death sentence. Count on your blood pressure being
up constantly until he gets on your side, and realize that they are
playing him. Only you know if he's capable of coming around
to your side.
9/19
RESPONSE: Trying to deal with it
If you think about it for a moment or two, you'll come to realize
that we each build our own prison, and before long you can no longer
see a way out of your cell ... many times it is fear that controls
us; what will I do without him/her, how will I make ends meet, what
will become of me???
You can control you life and your own happiness. Just don't
be afraid to walk away ... better things await you out there.
Trust me, for years I was afraid of being laid-off from my job, and
then one day (after 13 years of loyal service) it happened.
And now, after five years, it was truly the best thing to happen to
me ... I make three times more money as a contract worker, and I'm
working back in my home state.
Now if I could just meet the right woman ...
9/19
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My MIL is probably the
most self centered person I have ever met. She insisted on having
my H's Birthday at her house -- on the actual day of course.
So, I had my family over on another day. I went all out cooking
his favorite meals, decorating, etc., making him feel special.
He was telling his side of the family about the fabulous time we had,
and his mom completely ignored him. He then called the next
day to return a message that his brother left on our machine, and
his mom answered the phone. She threw a fit, and wanted to know
why she wasn't invited to his other birthday dinner. I need
help!!! What should I do about her? Of course she wasn't
invited, because she doesn't even to speak to me. All I get
is the evil eye. She has never once said anything positive to
us, and for the last year, has not spoken to me. The rest of
his family is very friendly when she is not around. What should
I do? I am starting to lose my cool, and am afraid I am going
to tell her off one of these days?
9/15
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "MIL
Not At Birthday Dinner" in your response.
RESPONSE: This is in response to "MIL not at Birthday
Dinner".
I think you should tell her the truth. I would tell her, "I
thought of inviting you, but decided it would be best not to, since
you haven't spoken to me in the last year. By the way, I'm also
tired of you making those nasty looks at me." Some people need
to be confronted about their behavior. If a person thinks you'll
put up with crap, they'll keep on dishing it out. Maybe you
were taught to respect your elders, like I was. But if she is
not being respectful to you, why should you be expected to follow
the same rules? It may sound harsh, but this might be the thing
to snap her out of it. Your husband should stick up for you
by telling her. Doesn't he see she doesn't speak to you?
He should tell her that "this is my wife and until you can treat
her with respect, we will not be visiting you."
9/16
RESPONSE: MIL not at Dinner Party -
You're going to tell her off one of these days? What are you
waiting for? I would have told that old bat that you did invite
her, she just didn't hear you since her back was to you.
9/16
RESPONSE: "MIL not at birthday dinner"
Why do you have to invite someone who is so rude to you? She
doesn't talk to you so, what makes her think you would actually want
her there? Point that out to her. If you learn anything
from this, learn to not be like her when you become a MIL. Heaven
knows I am trying to find the lesson that life is trying to teach
me in dealing with my in-laws!
9/19
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We had a barbecue over
the weekend and I was standing in the kitchen when my cousin said
to my mother-in-law, "Doesn't she (meaning me) look great?!
She is really losing weight." And my mother-in-law, right
in front of me says, "You're kidding. She's on a diet??"
9/18
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I am so glad I found this
site!!!! I am entwined in the most screwed up mother-son relationship
one can possibly fathom. My MIL calls at least two times a day
to see what we are doing. She calls to let us know that she'll
be at the store just incase we need her. She treats my husband
like he is 2 years old. Thank god she calls every morning to
be sure he is up for work. I don't know what we would do if
we had to set our alarm like normal human beings. My MIL comes
over before we have a family function, to "help" (without
being asked) and proceeds to set decorations, food, furniture, etc.
where she wants them. At the actual functions she will literally
remove things from my hands to put them where she feels they belong.
She has to serve everyone their beverages and give people tours of
our home (we just bought a new house.) She tries to act like
she knows what my kids children like and need more than me, when she
rarely sees them, because now she won't come over when I am home.
(I'm a stay at home mother now, so haha). She was actually in
hysterics at our wedding and cried out that I was taking her son away.
She cannot tolerate the fact that I too have a family, so she has
to share the holidays. She has actually called my parents home
on Christmas to make sure we didn't spend more time over there than
at her house. She is so manipulative and two faced it literally
makes me ill sometimes. She also does not care for where I do
my grocery shopping or how much money I spend, so she badgered my
husband to take over the task. This is someone who really does
not know her boundaries and needs to get her own life. My DH
is normally a wonderful man until you try to discuss some MIL issues,
then he turns into Satan himself. I overheard him reassuring
his mother that my meatloaf was not as good as hers, don't worry,
and don't cry because no one could ever cook as good as she does.
Talk about being insecure. This is only a small tip of the iceberg.
9/18
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I met my husband five years
ago and got married after only six months. His mother and sister
have never really cared for me in a genuine manner. Of course,
after I had my two boys they would always call. We started having
holiday dinners at our house so that I wouldn't have to gather up
my two small boys. Now every time either one of them comes to
my house they call each other later to tell what happened, and I hear
their comments in a roundabout way, many are about how they criticize
me. My husband, of course, does nothing. My sister in
law will be on the phone with me, then ask to speak with my husband,
and ask him a question that in turn he has to end up asking me anyway.
I wish she would just ask me to begin with.
9/18
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I have been married for
31 years, and the stories that I could share would amaze you and your
readers. One story that happened shortly after the birth of
our first child involved a situation about her (my MIL's) sister.
We lived in another town, and she traveled to our town to have my
husband, her son, drive her up to see about the sister. She
had come with her daughter. The sister, the MIL, and my husband
were preparing to leave, and I walked to the door with the baby on
my hip just wanting to wish them goodbye. She turned to me and
said, "Just the family is going." I was so hurt, and could not
believe she made that statement. This was not the last time
she made that statement to me. On another occasion, the same
sister fell and broke her hip. My children were older at the
time. I drove her to see her sister every 2-3 days at the hospital,
and helped make the necessary arrangements for physical therapy.
Additionally, I helped make the arrangements to have her moved to
a retirement home in our area. Once again, the comment about
family came up. "The family appreciates what you are doing."
I was so mad this time. I spent my entire vacation taking care
of this relative, driving her (MIL) to the hospital, packed the aunt's
things, arranged the move, and all the details. The problem
was that when I discussed this with my husband he did not see the
problem. Then the aunt wanted to give me money for my efforts.
I did not want the money. My name was signed, and the check
was cashed, because mother told son to take the money. I went
nuts. Not really, but I was very mad. Once again, the
remark was, "the family appreciates what you have done." I did
not do what I did for money.
The MIL continues to be the power player in the family. She
is not able to have Thanksgiving dinner. She is growing older
and cannot handle family gatherings. About three years ago she
tried to have Thanksgiving dinner and it was horrible. The next
year she took everyone out to a local restaurant and it was horrible.
The next year she had her maid cook and it was horrible. So
the next year, we made reservations at a local restaurant and it was
wonderful. She made everyone think that she had invited the
aunt, the one with no children and who we moved, to Thanksgiving dinner.
When we get to the restaurant she plays dumb and says the aunt did
not want to come. I call the aunt and say we missed you at Thanksgiving.
She said she was not invited. I could not believe that she left
her own sister out of a Thanksgiving dinner.
But this is not the first time she has pulled a trick to get her way.
My mother had surgery one fall. I told my husband that I felt
that I should go out of state and check on my mother. My father
died while I was in college. I received phone calls from my
MIL saying, "everyone will be there and you must be there."
After weeks of this, I finally gave in. When we got to Atlanta
for Thanksgiving dinner, I looked around and the daughter was not
there. I asked, "Where is ___ (the daughter)?"
The MIL took a run for another room. I was so mad and hurt.
Once again she had played us like pawns.
I can say after 31 years of marriage that I am smart to her ways.
I don't play those games. I can also say that now that I have
children graduating from college, and possibly preparing to marry,
I will be a wonderful MIL. I have been through the mill, and
continue to be put through the mill, but I will be a mother in law
to die for. I will be respectful and wonderful to my daughter
in law and my son in law.
9/15
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My MIL is completely obsessed
with receiving "grandbabies". My BIL and his wife tried for
6 years, had numerous medical procedures, and are now in the process
of adoption. This, however, does not seem to be enough.
Every single time I am in her presence, and no, I am NOT exaggerating,
she mentions something about grandbabies. How happy she'll be
when I'm pregnant; how cute children are; how she would love to buy
some toys for us for when we have children ... things like that.
She has even told us we should not move out of town, which we have
been trying to do for years, until we have "grandbabies". She
actually told us, after our last attempt failed, that she "prayed
we wouldn't succeed". *NOTE: we are a religious family and we
take prayer seriously.
I have tried not acknowledging the comments. I have tried simply
walking away in the middle of her tirade with a look of disgust on
my face. My SIL has told her to knock it off. My husband
thinks I am overreacting, and won't say anything to her. But
it makes me ill to go see her. I can't take the pressure.
I get a severe headache before every family event. She doesn't
want to see her DIL, she wants to see her baby factory. Last
family event, a relative had their newborn with them. I was
in the door 30 seconds and hadn't even put my purse down when she
announced, "Oh, look, there's a baby here, don't you want to hold
him? Isn't he cute? You should really hold him".
I avoided the baby like the plague until she left. I used to
like babies, but I can't stand the sight of them now.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? She managed
to become invited to an outing this weekend, and I need a good defense
method.
9/13
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Avoided
Baby Like Plague" in your response.
RESPONSE: This is a response to "Avoided Baby Like the
Plague."
My husband and I were married for seven years before we had a child.
During that time my mother was constantly bringing up grandchildren.
I was interested in my career, not children. While my husband
was getting his masters, for two years, I supported the two of us.
She had the nerve to say I should go ahead and try to have a child,
and if for some reason I was unable to work she would help us out
financially. I felt like she was being absolutely ridiculous,
as were her comments. When my H and I had a day off together
she would ask why we went out instead of staying home and trying to
conceive! How rude! I learned that the best thing to do
with my mom or MIL is to politely and FIRMLY tell them that it's a
decision between my H and I, and I'm not going to discuss it with
them. Then, I promptly change the subject. It took awhile,
but it finally worked. I definitely understand what you're going
through. It's so annoying!
9/14
RESPONSE: re: "Avoided Baby Like the Plague"
Have you thought of simply telling her how you feel, or writing her
a letter? She sounds as though she is searching for something,
and she thinks being a grandmother would give it to her. I'm
sure she would drive me crazy, but as you've written her, she also
seems very sad. Tell her how you feel, and close it with, "I'll
be saying a prayer for you."
9/14
RESPONSE: "Avoiding Baby like the plague"
I too am in a similar situation where my wife and I are having trouble
conceiving. As yet I have not heard anything about it from my
MIL. I too avoid babies. Next time your MIL mentions something,
calmly tell her that what you and your spouse do in regards to children
is really none of her business, and that when G-d seems fit to bless
you with a child she will be one of the first to know, but until then
you would appreciate her being more sensitive and SHUT UP!!
9/15
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Well, I happened to stumble
upon this site at just the perfect time! My parents-in-law are
coming to visit. ARGH! My husband and I live 3 states
away from his parents, due to the fact that he is military.
When we got married (almost three years ago) he had three children
and I had one child. Everything seemed to be fine with the extended
family up until a little over a year ago. What started the whole
fiasco was his mother e-mailing him at work and calling him at work,
never at home. My husband forwarded to me (at home) an e-mail
he received at work because he couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Neither one of us could after reading it.
She stated in her e-mail that she had sent multiple e-mails and we
had not returned any of them, that she was "trying to abide by our
wishes" (Lord knows what this meant) and that I was trying to deprive
and isolate my husband from his family. My husband and I could
not, for the life of us, figure out what she was talking about; since
3 weeks prior his parents had come down for a visit, and we thought
the visit had gone off without any hitches. So, after letting
my husband read the e-mail I was sending to her as a response so as
"not to overstep any boundaries and not anger anyone", I sent her
an e-mail.
Needless to say, my reaction of sending her an e-mail asking her what
she was talking about started one major fiasco! Basically, the
gist of the conversation boiled down to the fact that she thinks of
me as a "service provider"; that I am unreasonable to ask for
some advanced notice around holidays if we are going to spend time
together (heaven forbid we have other friends and family that would
want to spend time with us); that it is NOT unreasonable that when
his parents are present that all the rules for behavior we have for
our kids can fly right out the window, which they think is okay because
"grandma and grandpa are here and when they're here we don't have
to do what mom and dad say to do, or behave as we normally would";
that it's alright to teach my husband's son, who is autistic, to swear
and flip people off, and that it's okay to treat his kids and my child
differently. For example, just consider the sweet names grandparents
call their grandchildren. His three first: "my favorite
granddaughter", "our special grandson", "our precious
angel", and then my daughter is "stinky feet".
But yet, I've been preached to on numerous occasions that we need
to treat the children with equality. Hmm ... I don't think they've
ever heard of the saying "practice what you preach."
After the e-mail fiasco, it turned into one heck of a fight on the
phone ... over which she would not speak directly to me, but about
me to my husband, and basically I was to blame for everything.
I was the one who needed to conform to their family. I was every
expletive in the book. And, that I should just take care of
the house, my husband and his kids, and that I should be lucky to
be able to provide these services to a family. There were a
lot of hurtful things said, but I was not spoken to. I told
my husband that if they could not respect me for who I am, and all
that I do, and that "we" are a family, then I wanted nothing to do
with them anymore.
Almost a year later his father called and apologized to me for everything
he said behind my back and for how he made me feel. He said
that he realized that his son chose me as his wife, and as such, they
needed to consider me family. And he said he was sorry for all
he had said. I thanked him for his apology, and said that it
meant a lot to me, especially since he wasn't the one that had really
hurt me. But, do you think his mother could apologize?
Well, she apologized to my husband, but never to me. I thought
this kind of odd, since I was the one she had attacked via e-mail
and via the phone ... although she was talking about me to my husband
and not to me.
So, with my FIL's apology in mind and my MIL's lack of respect ...
they're coming down for a visit. I don't want to keep them from
their son and their grandchildren. I guess I just need some
words of encouragement so I don't lose my sanity. But, again,
with this visit everything else in our lives are to be put on hold.
I am a Girl Scout Leader for my daughter's troop, and there is a Leader-Daughter
campout one of the nights that they will be here. His oldest
daughter and my daughter would have attended with me. I had
told my husband about this event and he said that he thought it sounded
like something the girls and I would have a lot of fun at. This
event is only offered once a year, but because they are going to grace
us with their presence, I was told that I could do this some other
time, and that it was no big deal for me to reschedule. What
upset me even more is that my husband said the same thing.
Any words of encouragement out there?
9/11
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "MIL
Apology But Not To Me" in your response.
RESPONSE: MIL Apology But Not To Me ---
GO ANYWAY!!! As a former leader, and now a leader in 4-H, I
know how much planning goes into these events, and how they are timed
to try and get the best weather for the event. Your children
have been counting on this happening, your troop is counting on you
being there, and you CAN be there. Remind your husband that
he would probably be upset if HE was required to change plans for
somebody who had been nasty to HIM - and there's no reason in the
world he is entitled to better treatment than you are ... So
go! Have fun. Tell everybody that, "It's a shame we were
leaving, but we'll be back soon, and the girls and I are going to
have lots of fun." Be relentlessly cheerful about it all.
DON'T APOLOGIZE, EITHER. Have everything ready to roll when
it's time to go, and pick up and GO. Don't get flustered, don't
apologize.
9/12
RESPONSE: In response to MIL Apology But Not To Me
Oh my dear, I am walking in your shoes. Minus a few children,
I am in your shoes. Word for word, my story is the same, however,
neither they, nor my SIL, have yet to apologize to me. She would
die before apologizing to me. My H's sister stirs the pot, and
recently she e-mailed me complaining about things from 10 years ago.
OUT OF THE BLUE. (talk about living in the past, and non-reality)
Even my husband was floored by her disrespect this time. She
needs therapy, but that's another story. I am also grateful
to hear I'm not the only one dealing with disrespectful hateful people.
It sucks for all of us trying to live normal happy lives, but at least
we know we aren't alone in this crap, and its not our fault.
Some people just don't understand what it means to be "HUMANE".
I have found that conveniently "having something to do"
(hair appointments, visiting a sick friend, etc.) when my husband
asks me to go to his family's house, has pretty much gotten it through
his thick head that I want nothing to do with people so consumed by
negativity. He rarely asks me if I want to go now. Whew!
Even our two boys have said a couple times, "I don't want to go" when
he asks them if they want to go see grandma. They end up saying,
"lets go see [the other grandma] instead." cha ching!
Kids are smart. They figure it out without anyone speaking up.
As for your own sanity, do NOT dote over anyone you feel craps on
you. It will ruin you inside. Its sooo not worth it.
Do not belittle yourself to make them feel so good, not when they
have never given you the respect you deserve. I'm finding this
works for me really well. See, my husband has no spine when
it comes to his mother and sister, so he seems to think if he ignores
it, it will "disappear". So, I guess I will just ignore
them too, because I have stood up to them, and believe me, in one
ear and out the other. Nothing between their ears, that's for
sure. Best thing, just avoid them as much as humanly possible.
9/12
RESPONSE: Response to MIL Apology But Not To Me:
I can totally relate to your story. My MIL, who told us, not
asked us, that she was coming from out west for a visit, will be at
our house tomorrow when I get home from work. My husband, who
looks strikingly like his late father, was asked to drive three hours
to pick her up at the airport, instead of his sister who lives twenty
minutes away. I once read on this site a comment that someone
encourages her husband to spend all the time he wants with his mother,
just leave her out of it. That's exactly the way I feel.
My husband took some time off of work to spend with his mother.
Fortunately, she's only spending one night at our house. She
has a manipulative way of changing her (our) plans at the last minute.
I told my husband that if she decides to stay an extra day at our
house, I will get a hotel room or stay with my parents. She
lived with us for 6 1/2 months only 5 weeks after we were married
(last year). I was railroaded into it, never asked, but was
told that this is what would happen. My husband tried to talk
her out of it, but was manipulated and guilted into it. My husband
lets me vent and understands my feelings, but she's still his mother
and when she controls him with guilt, she's controlling my life, too.
If I had an email or telephone altercation with my MIL, she would
never stay here again. Life is too short to put up with such
stress and allow these MIL Mean School Graduates to play control games.
You'd think I'd have learned a lesson, this is my 2nd MIL! I
thought the first one was bad, but she's an angel compared to this
one. My husband turns into a five year old when she's around.
I always tell single women to pick a man who's mother is dead or lives
out of town. Fortunately (except when she comes to visit) I
have a lives-out-of-towner. I think you should carry on with
your plans to camp out with your daughter and not put your life on
hold to cater to your MIL. I'd make as many plans outside of
the house as possible (without being too obvious to your husband)
9/12
RESPONSE:
Question: Is it too late to pretend that the trip is non-refundable
& they cannot find another chaperone to fill your spot?
9/13
RESPONSE: In response to MIL apology but not to me
I believe you should go ahead with your plans to attend the campout
with your daughter. Don't forget, they are not coming to see
you or your daughter. You do not have to do anything for them.
Just go on with your own life. If your stepdaughter wants to
stay behind to be with her grandparents then fine, that's up to her
and your DH. Also, believe me, if you stay at home you WILL
NOT be able to avoid a major confrontation.
9/14
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My bf is in his mid 30's,
and his family is middle eastern, following strictly all the traditions
and "rules" of their culture. My bf lives under one roof with
his mother, his father, his brother, his sister and her 3 young children.
Since Nobody else works in the house, he is the one supporting ALL
of them. For the past 1.5 yrs, my bf and I had a wonderful relationship,
until the day I spoke out my mind on some issues. Yes, we argued
a bit, but the "mil" now has interfered. Though my bf doesn't
admit it, I know that my "mil" believes I am not good for him, and
talks behind my back. Being a wonderful son, I am afraid that
my bf might listen to her. :( What do I do so that I gain
my mil's heart again? It is a long distance relationship, and
its so hard. Please help me if you can. How can I gain
her heart back??
9/7
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "How
Can I Gain Her Heart Back?" in your response.
RESPONSE: Re: How Can I gain Her Heart Back?
I'm not going to say anything about whether you would really want
to get involved in a difficult cross-cultural relationship.
It seems to me that you are pretty much in love with this man, since
you asked the question in the first place! The best way to endear
yourself to the mother is to take good care of her son, to make him
happy. Brown-nosing is never truly appreciated, so don't even
think of it. However, it would be prudent not to get into any
more arguments. Just go along as much as you can. I know
that is hard, because I am outspoken too. But as long as her
views don't directly affect you or your future children, it's best
to express them to your boyfriend alone. I wish you luck with
your situation. You may never get him away from his family,
because that is just his culture. If you really love him and
want him, then you will have to make a lot of compromises. Only
you can decide if it is worth it.
9/8
RESPONSE: Response to "How Can I Gain Her Heart Back"
My boyfriend is middle-eastern too. At first, I didn't know
how to deal with an entirely different culture. But, the more
I got involved in his culture and learned more about his family, I
found that I was heartily welcomed by his entire family. His
family now loves me very much, and believes that I'm the best girl
for him, as does he. So my suggestion to you would be to genuinely
show more interest in his family. Try to call his brothers/sisters
and develop a good friendly relation with them, as I've done.
If the majority of the family loves you and wants him to be with you,
then I don't think that they can be alienated by your BF's mother,
alone. So keep your chin up, and never lose hope. If your
BF really loves you, I'm sure he'll stick by you. Good luck!
9/11
RESPONSE: In response to how can I gain her heart back
RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY, AS FAR AND AS FAST AS YOU CAN. I am also
from the middle east and very familiar with the type of family you
are talking about. This man will woo you relentlessly until
you marry him. After marriage you will become his PROPERTY,
and your MIL will be the queen of the house, and you will, literally,
be the servant. He will continue to provide for his "blood family",
and you will have to put up with it. If you have any sons, you
will not be allowed to have any input in their raising. Your
daughters will be relentlessly restricted in their civil rights.
The scariest thing is that he may be pursuing you for a green card.
Get away as fast as you can!
9/14
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"Oh, it's the most special
day in our son's life! Our son is giving us a daughter!
<sniff sniff>", said my MIL ... Too bad the Oscars are over,
lady. Upon learning that the Justice of the Peace we were being
married by wouldn't marry anyone if she smelled alcohol in any way
shape or form (if someone spilled a beer on your tux, forget it) ...
my loving MIL and FIL tried to convince my future husband to "sample
an entire bottle of homemade wine." ... My MIL was all
smiles, hugs and kind words to anyone in the receiving line that she
knew, but after talking about the wedding with some of my closest
friends that attended, I was appalled by her behavior. All smiles
and hugs until she learned they were there because of years of friendship
with me, and poof. Smiles vanished, and rather than offering
anyone a hug, she actually withdrew like they had leprosy or some
hideously contagious disease. Well, MIL, they did have a contagious
disease that surely you find hideous. They have manners.
And of course, my FH is too much of a Mama's Boy to notice any of
this as being abnormal.
9/13
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My mother in law called
me at work today. I work in a busy office and my job is to answer
a switchboard with about 22 incoming lines. When I realized
it was my MIL, I immediately asked how her day was going, knowing
that she too works in a busy office. She told me her day was
going fine and asked how my husband and I were doing. When I
began to tell her that my husband had started a new job at his work
and that he was switching hours, she sounded interested. Then
I began to explain that I had been sick at the beginning of the week
and was finally feeling better today. In the middle of my sentence,
my MIL interrupted and said that she really just called to see what
was going on with Saturday, because she needed to know if "her son"
would be going along on the road trip with her and his father.
When I said that he had told me he was planning on it, she said, "Great.
That's all I needed. Bye!" How rude!! If she
simply wanted to ask me a question about "her son" why did she even
bother to ask how we were doing? I would definitely respect
her more if she just cut the chase and was straight up with me.
Obviously she doesn't care how I am or what's going on in my world,
so why waste both of our time and ask?!!
9/13
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Only two-and-a-half years
of marriage, and do I have some stories! My favorite (besides
her inviting non-relatives/non-friends along whenever she invites
herself to visit) is when I had a severe allergy for weeks where my
entire body swelled and itched. I was taking an oatmeal bath
for the itching, and she just walked right into the bathroom and said,
"I'm going to the grocery store. Do you want me to get
you anything?" She is so fake with me, and she is selfish with
her son to the extent that she has no respect for me or my feelings.
Augh ... and I just keep smiling.
9/12
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My evil step-mother-in-law
has struck again. (She is my hubby's stepmom.) Her father, the
only grandfather my hubby has ever known, was very seriously ill,
and the family was gathering to say their goodbyes. My hubby
had been reaching out to MIL over the previous weeks, checking on
his condition, offering her support. He mentioned that he would
like to come up (450 miles each way) to say goodbye to his grandpa.
MIL said it would be inappropriate. (MIL has "issues" with hubby.
God only knows what they are, as she won't tell him, but remains "hurt.")
She said she wouldn't stop him, but felt it would be very hurtful
to grandpa. Hurtful? Hubby and grandpa don't have any
"issues." It is times like these where family is supposed to
pull together, right?
Well, unfortunately, grandpa died this past Saturday. MIL didn't
tell hubby until Tuesday. The viewing was Wednesday, and the
funeral yesterday. She also said it wouldn't be appropriate
for him to come to the funeral!!! The reason was that he didn't
bother to see him when he was alive, and couldn't fathom any reason
for hubby to attend the funeral! This really stinks, when she
was the one who basically said "don't come visit him, it will upset
him." She couldn't see what he was "trying to accomplish
by being at the funeral." Hubby gave her an out: he asked her
point blank if she wanted him there, yes or no. She said she
couldn't answer that, it was up to him, but couldn't understand why
he needed to be there. Duh! His grandpa died, and he wanted
to pay last respects! She said that one day he would understand
why she wouldn't choose. We both understand right now: if he
didn't go to the funeral, hubby was a heartless bastard, and she was
the poor martyr whose "son" wouldn't come home. If he did go,
then hubby was a heartless bastard who had to force himself on her
family in their darkest hour, no matter that she would be so hurt
by his presence. What a crock ... these are the same in-laws
who have never met their grandson, who is 2 1/2 years old now.
Well, hubby didn't go to the funeral, although we did go to the gravesite
after everyone left, as not to "upset" anyone. I was flat out
banned from everything due to the Inside Edition controversy. (I contacted
them and they contacted her, which really p***** her off. She
is demanding an apology, but I wouldn't hold my breath if I were her.)
Hubby also bought a card and left it in their door, to prove we were
there, despite her "not understanding." What a messed up family.
Any comments are welcomed.
9/8
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "MIL
Bans Hubby" in your response.
RESPONSE:
You handled a very delicate situation perfectly. I'm sorry for your
husband's loss.
9/13
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My mother passed away
before I moved out of my parent's house. I was wondering, since
I really didn't have an "adult" relationship with my mother, what
is normal? Is it normal to expect your kids/grandkids to see
you on a weekly basis? How about expecting you to spend every
other Saturday? How about expecting you to go camping with them
a couple of times each summer? Because I am experiencing this
with my MIL and feel like she is smothering me. She also feels
entitled to know my whereabouts whenever she stops by unexpectedly.
She feels entitled to know my whereabouts if I am unable to attend
a family function. She stops by, sometimes calling, sometimes
not, whenever she feels like it. It used to be a weekly event.
I was raised that you only stop by someone's house when you're invited,
and you don't invite yourself to other people's homes. I don't
feel that it is right, even if she is my husband's mother. Am
I wrong feeling this way? I feel that she has big emotional
needs. I don't feel that we should be expected to fill them.
It is one thing to try to be a part of our lives, but I feel like
she either needs to get a hobby, or some friends to do things with,
instead of expecting us to spend so much of our time with her.
She is nice to me, but so needy, in my opinion. I value my privacy.
I would appreciate some advice. Help!
9/8
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "MIL
Needy But Nice" in your response.
RESPONSE: This is in response to MIL needy.
No, in my opinion it is not normal or fair for a family member to
do what she is doing to you. You are certainly entitled to make
your own schedule (with your DH) without any interference from her.
When I was first married, my FIL would try to tell us what we should
be doing with our precious weekends. If we were not going to
a family function, he would tell us what was "important" and try to
insist that we go. He would tell us that if we didn't go, then
it was embarrassing to him that we weren't there. Funnily enough,
he also would tell us what events we should NOT attend. (If
he had a problem at that moment with a person, he would try to rally
the family to boycott the event. We had to tell him that his
fights were not ours, and that we would make our own decisions.
He would then tell us that we were not supporting him, etc).
He complained that we were not family team players. We stood
our ground, and eventually he realized that the arm twisting was not
going to work. I have to say that my DH was very strong and
firm in handling this. He explained to his dad that we were
now adults and would be the ones making the decisions on where we
go, etc. If it was not for his attitude, I guess we would be
puppets on the end of FIL's string. Now, while my parents never
insisted we attend any events, they DO have a schedule (in their heads)
which determines when we are supposed to call them. Of course,
we "mess up" a lot, and either get told off, or asked, "IS EVERYTHING
OKAY?", or receive several messages in one day, because we have not
checked in on time. They keep track of how many days it has
been since they last heard from us, etc. I just wanted to let
you know, you are not alone with this problem. I encourage you
to continue living your life on your own terms, and to feel content
in the knowledge that she is out of line with her requests, and not
the other way around. GOOD LUCK
9/11
RESPONSE: "MIL needy But nice":
I know exactly how you feel. Before my husband and I moved out
of state my mother in law would do the same exact thing. In
my case she was, and is, still a little too emotionally attached to
him. See, my mil never had a good marriage, and after my hubby
was born, and at an age of accountability(15), he started supporting
her. Working his butt off for her. She even made him quit
school! Well, after we got married and had a place of our own
she would do the same thing. Come over unexpected (which bugged
the He** out of me). Criticize my every move. Ask, like
she had a right to know, where I was or who I was with. Constantly
complaining that I ripped her son away because we "only" came to visit
once a week. Then jump down my throat if he didn't want to come
at the time she had "set" up for us to visit! Give me a break.
She is married, living with her ex husband (hubby's dad) and her new
husband. This family has some real emotional problems to deal
with! Well, really, what I wanted to say to you, "MIL Needy
but nice", you all need to sit down and have a conversation about
what it means for her son to be married. And let her know, firmly
but nicely, that she needs to respect your life as well as you respect
hers!
9/12
RESPONSE:
There are no "standards" when it comes to family. My own mother
believes that family is exempt from all of the normal Emily Post rules
on visitation & such. I don't necessarily agree, but I do
believe that formalities shouldn't exist for family that exist for
acquaintances and friends. I think if you set clear expectations
and boundaries (without confrontation), it will all work out in the
end (easier said, I know). Perhaps you could be proactive &
tell the in-laws that you would like to set aside a weekend every
month to devote to visiting with them. This sounds better than
saying that you would like to cut it down to one weekend a month (or
whatever interval you feel is appropriate).
9/13
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Note: This story moved in its entirety
from 7/15/00 archive due to recent receipt of a response.
Okay, does anyone else have a MIL who, writing directly to her TWO
YEAR OLD granddaughter, sends emails with lovely little zingers
in them like, "Are you doing fun stuff like going fishing with
Daddy? Or do you just sit around all day and play in the yard
with your mother?" And then there's the ever-popular, "Sweetie,
I hope you realize that Daddy goes hunting and fishing on the weekends
so he can relax after a long work week. While Daddy's gone,
you can be a good girl and help Mommy clean the house like she's
supposed to." Just to name a few. I, of course, do not
respond to these pathetic attempts at subtlety (can you say "delete"?!?!?!),
but I'm really reaching my wits end. The woman sends me a
nasty email on a weekly basis, and I know I'm being somewhat masochistic
by even READING the darn things, but enough is enough. I don't
want to stoop to MIL's level by even addressing the issue of her
using our daughter as a vehicle to send her little "messages" to
me, but I'm afraid if I don't do it now, this pattern may continue
into the future when our daughter can read and understand the true
relationship between good ol' Grandma and me. What to do,
what to do ...
6/11
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using our
mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Nasty
MIL e-Mail" in your response.
RESPONSE: YOUR EMAIL MIL.
Just write back to her with a simple email stating ... "you
are fortune at this point that your granddaughter can't read"
and, by the way, I just finished cleaning my house like I usually
do. I'm sorry, but your MIL is sick. She has the nerve
to write emails to a 2 year old to get to you? One question
though: Have you, by chance, shown these childish emails to
your spouse? if so, what does he say or think about them?
Can't you get him to tell his mom that he's read her emails, and
tell her to stop before her granddaughter and her daughter-in-law
start really hating her? just wondering.
6/12
RESPONSE: Try responding to her zingers in your daughters
voice: "Yes. Mommy was able to carve out a little time for
me while daddy got his much-deserved break. Now, since I'm
a girl, I better put back on the shackles & start thinking about
marriage." That would definitely curb the emails she sends.
Respond to them all!!!
6/12
RESPONSE: RE: "nasty MIL emails".
Actually, I would send her an email back saying: "Well, I'm
sure you have many qualities, but subtlety is not one of them.
I'm sure you think those little comments are so funny too, but I
sure don't. I've tried to ignore them, but can do that no
further, and am putting you on notice that I refuse to read those
emails to my daughter, and will downright erase them if you continue
with this behavior. It's not only disrespectful, but you're
being rude and meddling into affairs that do not concern you.
How I run my household is none of your business ... I'm sorry if
the tone of this note seems stern to you, but I can be pushed so
far and no further, and since I do not want this behavior of yours
to go on any longer, with you thinking it's ok since I never said
anything, well, there, I said it now." If you don't say anything
she'll keep on doing it. I don't know how you've made it this
far
6/12
RESPONSE: Response to "Nasty MIL e-Mail"
If you're dammed if you do and damned if you don't, then do.
The audacity of the "lady" using your daughter as an excuse to send
e-mails to you begs to be returned. E-mail back in the following
way: "Dear Grama, Mommy and I have been having a great time
at home. We play all day, and she reads to me, and we have
a great time together! She loves me so much, and I love her.
We're going to be the bestest of friends when I get older!" or some
such. I mean, what's MIL going to do ... start not liking
you?
6/12
RESPONSE: This is in reference to "Nasty MIL E-Mail"
You have a lot of self control. If I were you, I would not
be able to resist writing back (as if you were your daughter) and
saying, "Dear Grandma, It is so cool that you have learned to use
that computer so well to 'reach out and scratch someone'" Meow,
meow, Granny!
6/12
RESPONSE: Reference "Nasty MIL e-mail"
Have you tried blocking e-mail from her? If that would cause
problems in your family life, maybe you should reply to her e-mails
with comments to her questions. For example: Her: Are
you helping Mommy clean house like she is supposed to. Reply:
She is a great little helper, I am sure she would enjoy helping
grandma clean her house also. As for being in the yard all
day, I thought that being active and enjoying the outdoors was a
good thing. It seems that she is so busy trying to upset you
that she doesn't know how to, or have time to, enjoy her life.
I know that you might feel that you are stooping to her level, but,
maybe she will see that you are just as witty in your e-mails.
Be sure to keep copies of what is written. MIL's have a way
of turning things around.
6/12
RESPONSE: For "Nasty MIL e-Mail".
Forward a copy of your MIL's email to me. I'll respond to
her for you.
6/12
RESPONSE: Response to "Nasty MIL E-mail".
Go to http://www.er.uqam.ca/merlin/fg591543/bsm/index.html
and download the Bounce Spam Mail. This is a neat little program
that allows you to send any nasty emails back with an incredibly
authentic looking error message. That way, she doesn't even
get the satisfaction of knowing you read her spiteful little digs.
Alternatively, send her an email saying firmly that, because of
her spiteful digs, you are setting up a filter on your email program
to direct all emails from her to your two-year-old straight into
the Trash file, because she has shown herself to be an unfit person
to be sending messages to a young child.
6/13
RESPONSE: Reply to "Nasty MIL emails"
Something similar happened to me. My SIL sent a greeting card
to us shortly after ATTACKING me at a family party. We had
decided that this girl had plenty of chances in the past to act
respectfully towards us, and that we couldn't possibly have anything
to do with her any longer. She was getting violent, etc. &
we couldn't trust what she would do next. Well, the card came
"from" her four year old. In it, she stated that she (the
kid) hoped this could all get worked out, and went on to say ...
(In huge capital letters) that HER Mommy would never keep kids apart!
(All underlined, etc.) Now, her daughter cannot read, let
alone write! To top it off, the whole tone was just so nasty.
If I didn't think my SIL was a head case before, this confirmed
it! I didn't write back, but if I received anything along
those lines on a weekly basis as you do, I would definitely respond.
Something along the lines of what was suggested by the other readers
here. Either stoop to her level (that way she can understand!)
& write back very sarcastically "from" your two year old, or
write back that emails like that have got to stop!
6/13
RESPONSE: Re - Nasty MIL e-Mail
Forward the stupid things to your husband, and let him see what
his mother is doing. Print them out and save them, or filter
them so your daughter doesn't actually get them . . . .
7/7
RESPONSE: In Response to NASTY MIL e-MAIL:
 I know exactly how you feel! My MIL does not email my son
(he's only 2), but she does make similar comments. Her only
other grandchild is 5, and the "apple of her eye", and has always
been allowed to "run free". He is soooooo spoiled! My
H and I try to discipline our child, and we pay dearly for it with
his family. When "apple" wants to do something with our son,
and she knows we don't allow it, she tells "apple" in her best sarcastic
voice, "well, you'll have to ask _____'s Mommy first!"
She never tells him to ask my H. She will ask me a question
about our son, and because she doesn't like the answer, try to ask
my H the same question. I know that she is doing it on purpose,
and in a sneaky manner, because she waits until we are in separate
rooms to do it. When she doesn't like what we say or ask --
she just ignores me totally. She will call our house and just
ask for my H -- never mind me!!
We have been married 5 years, and dated for 1. I am older
than my husband, more educated than my MIL and SIL, and had a great
career. She was appalled that I would continue working once
we started our family, and would rather talk to her other DIL about
watching corn grow! They are over at the BIL's house almost
every day, and they call each other at least 2 times a day.
She has never forgiven my H for not calling every day! (she really
thinks that I won't allow him to call, but I actually press him
to call her at least once per week). It's not like she is
in ill health, either. She's pretty young, and perfectly healthy!
I wish I could tell you it will get better --- but that will only
happen when your divorce is final, or you attend her funeral!!!!!
Good luck!!
7/10
RESPONSE: Nasty mil eMail
Very easy solution: change your eMail address - and your daughter's
- and DON'T give the new ones to mil.
9/7
RESPONSE: Nasty MIL e-mail
Start forwarding each and every one of those little nastygrams to
your husband. He'll get VERY tired of them, and he'll see
them for the ugly things they are, and maybe he'll speak to her.
Even if he doesn't speak to her, though, I'd bet he'd understand
how upsetting you find them to be, and at least be willing to sit
with you and discuss how to deal with his mom.
9/8
RESPONSE: response to "Nasty MIL email"
Sorry, I know that other people have suggested what I am about to,
but I just have to get my 2 cents in ... Since your MIL very obviously
doesn't know how to solve problems or discuss her feelings in an
ADULT manner, then all the logical attempts at sorting out whatever
her problem with you is just aren't going to work. Play her
game right back, and be BETTER at it. It may sound childish,
but it seems like childish is all some people can comprehend.
If it were my MIL, I would reply to her as if it were the child
...
"Dear Granny ... I know that I'm only two, and two year olds usually
can't read, but I'm special. Due to all the time that mommy
spends teaching me things and practicing my alphabet and counting,
I have learned so much. I even learned how to spell and how
to use the computer. That's how I was able to read your email.
I use the computer and watch my videotapes during the day while
mommy is doing her housework. I was hurt by things you said
about my mommy, so I showed her your letter. She told me I
should ignore your behavior for the time being. Then she said
if it continued, that she wouldn't bring me to your house anymore
because she doesn't want you to act that way in front of me.
I agree with mommy, and so does daddy. Little girls like me
shouldn't be used to "get to" their mommies, like your doing.
Mommy was going to write a letter to you, but I told her to let
me do it, because you seem to understand child-like behavior better
than adult behavior. I have to go now granny. It's time
for me and mommy to read a story and play the alphabet game!!"
Can you imagine a MIL getting a letter/email like that? How
sweet it would be!!
9/8
RESPONSE: In response to the MIL email.
I am absolutely amazed at how similar your MIL is to mine.
Of course there are no children involved that she writes to, but
she used to send my husband emails with those little "zingers" bringing
up everything from him "being a good boy" for Christmas, to girls
who used to have crushes on him. It got so bad that we closed
email accounts. It burns me up that people resort to arguing
over email. It is so lazy. That is all my in-laws know
to do, considering they have fought with three of the five children
they have together. Keep in mind two are still at home, one
in grade school, the other a young teen. We finally put a
halt to it and have no further contact, including phone calls.
And even though they have our new email address, they are blocked
from it. I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful it
is to not have them in our lives. It is absolutely the greatest
thing that could have happened to my marriage. I am very lucky,
also, to have a husband who stands behind me 100% in this decision.
The joke is on my MIL. She has been so mean and cruel for
the past year, that she has lost all chance of having any sort of
normal relationship with her son, or of ever seeing my children.
I will not allow my children to be subjected to her trash.
Life is too short to be in constant turmoil.
9/13
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Working Women Don't Have Wives