|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 10/28/00
<--Previous Archive
Next Archive -->
 |
Granny wants no more grandchildren.
My husband and I had one child, and my sister in law had one.
When we decided to try to have another my mother in law made it no
secret that she did not want any more grandchildren. Her excuse
was she did not make enough money to spoil more than she already had,
two. This was O.K. We would just have another anyway -
she would get over it. The problem was, I couldn't get pregnant.
I went through doctors appt. fertility drugs, depression and tears
of frustration. She continued to remind us that she hoped we
never had another baby. This was like a slap in the face to
me and I resented her for it, and my husband for allowing it.
Four years later I finally got pregnant. I was so happy I forgave
her. Now she loves the baby, and my sister in law is pregnant
again too! It is getting close to Christmas again and she always
likes to win grandmother of the year with the most gifts (she puts
Santa to shame). We are having dinner out. She, I and
the three children talking about what they would like to have for
Christmas. She tells them not to expect as much this year and
even less the next because of the new babies. I nearly choked,
and said don't say that again. But she did, only she phrased
it differently. Then, my nephew (14 yrs.) who is not a bit happy
about his expected sibling pipes up, "and I hope nobody has anymore
babies." I have been kicking myself for not responding
better to this situation. I try to teach my little girl to think
of others and to share, and that Christmas is about so much more than
getting presents, and that babies are a gift from God to be celebrated.
Is it me? Or is this woman's thinking a little selfless
and twisted?
10/21
|
|
This past June my husband's
grandmother, his father's mom, passed away. We traveled back
home where both of our families live (which is 6 hours from where
we live) for the funeral and to be with my husband's family.
A few days after arriving back home, we found out very unexpectedly,
that we were pregnant. It was not planned, and the day we found
out was the first day the thought that I might be pregnant crossed
my mind. When my husband called to tell his parents, the first
thing out of his mother's mouth was, "Well, why didn't you tell me
that when you were here a few days ago? Were you purposely trying
to hurt me by keeping this from me?" My husband tried numerous
times to explain to her that we had no idea when we were there.
But to this day, 6 months into my pregnancy, my mother in law is still
angry with us because she is convinced that we must have at least
had some inclination that we were pregnant, and that we were keeping
it from her to hurt her feelings. Also, that news of a baby
would have brightened everyone's week, but we were too selfish to
share our news.
10/21
|
|
I have found two stories
in the archives in which the MIL asked her DIL to step out of wedding
photos so that there might only be her precious family in at least
one. That also happened at my wedding, and I have decided that if
she asks about those photos I will either tell her that they did not
develop properly or that we decided not to purchase them. The
other issue that occurred the day before the wedding was the nightmare
that some may call a rehearsal dinner. This dinner was held
at a local Chinese restaurant (the only one in town I don't like)
and she had already made the seating arrangements before I arrived.
Now this is my first wedding (and hopefully only wedding), and I assumed,
I believe correctly, that it is customary for the future bride and
groom to sit together at the rehearsal dinner. Needless to say,
this is not how she arranged it. She had him sit between her
and his sisters daughter. I couldn't believe it. Then,
because of the way the tables were, I couldn't even talk to my future
husband, and all I heard from her is how much she wanted him to come
home with her and spend his last night with her. Then at our
wedding our preacher gave her and my parents a chance to share some
of their thoughts with us (big mistake - had I known I would have
suggested that she omit that part of the ceremony). My parents
both said how happy they were for us and what beautiful people we
were. Then my MIL stood up and told us that, "there are going
to be bad times, and when they come I hope you treat each other with
respect ...". She went on to say that she knew my husband
would treat me that way because that was how she had raised him (leaving
whose behavior in question?). I just didn't feel that it was
the right tone to take at our wedding, when everyone was supposed
to express their joy and happiness at out union (the least she could
do was fake it for a few hours). Then, at the receiving line
she skipped me. She talked to each of the bridesmaids and groomsman,
and then skipped me.
10/20
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Skipped"
in your response.
|
|
 She
has done it again. And she still is not even my official MIL
-- the wedding is coming up very quick. We just found out that my
almost DH's brother (who is best man) can't make it in town in time
for a bachelor party (he is in the Army and we just found out when
he was able to get leave to come home). MIL is furious at her
ex (my FIL) because he's the one who made the reservation -- this
late in the game, you can't request just any old flight you want ...
he's lucky he even GOT a flight!
So she told my fiancé that his bachelor party should be the night
before the wedding so that BIL can attend. Fiancé and I agreed a long
time ago that neither one of us will be doing any partying or celebrating
the night before the wedding, because we have a lot to do the next
day to get ready, and she KNOWS that is our plan. BUT she's
so upset about her favorite son not being able to attend the bachelor
party that she doesn't even give a damn about her other son's wedding
day. My fiancé is very angry with her over this, and so am I.
I can't believe she has that much disrespect for her own son (then
again, he isn't her FAVORITE son...). He told her that, no,
he didn't want to do anything like that the night before our wedding,
and she said "but the wedding isn't until later in the evening....."
@!#*!!#@
On top of that, since she blames this on my fiancé's father, she now
has a nice fresh new thing to be mad at him for (even though it's
NOT his fault, and if it weren't for him, my fiancé's brother and
sister would both miss the wedding, because neither can afford a plane
ticket so HE bought them their airfare), and so I fear that she's
going to cause trouble, and wreck what should be a happy time for
us. She has proven to me, many times, that she has no respect
for her son, and this makes me so angry! As far as I'm concerned,
she's not treating her son this way, she is treating MY HUSBAND this
way. Usually he ignores her petty crap because he knows how she is,
but this time I believe he's really bothered by her childish behavior
and overall lack of respect for him. I'm not sure how much more
of her I can deal with, especially where this wedding is concerned.
She's really done it this time.
10/20
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Really
Done It This Time" in your response.
|
|
I honestly am a nice person,
and I get along with everyone in my life -- everyone, that is, except
my MOTHER IN LAW! She is a horrible woman, who has never made
any effort to be friendly, affectionate, or kind to me. When
my husband and I announced our engagement, the first thing she said
to him was, "You better watch out, because she can take all of your
money now!" My husband is definitely not a wealthy man -- is
this woman high? I had, at that point, never met her -- she
lives on the other side of the country (thank God!) -- so this was
my first impression of her.
I also hate the way she treats my husband. She is not a good
mother to my husband, or his two brothers. Here's an example
-- recently, my husband found himself unexpectedly in the city where
she lives -- his plane was delayed there for 5 hours while he was
traveling for business. She had not, at that point, seen him
for two years. When he called her to see if she wanted to meet
for dinner because he was in the city -- you would think she would
be thrilled, that it would be an unexpected, wonderful surprise.
No. She didn't make any effort to come out to see him, said
she was busy and couldn't make it. The woman has no job, no
children, and a car -- she is utterly free -- and couldn't take a
few hours out of her day to visit her child whom she had not seen
in over two years! That makes me so angry that she would hurt
my husband like that.
She came out to visit a few months ago with her crotchety old boyfriend.
My husband and I took time off work to show her around the city, entertain
them, etc. NOTHING pleased them -- not our car (it was too small
-- "You paid so much money for this damn car and it's too small!
Why'd you buy this car!"), not ANY activity we planned, nor any activity
THEY requested -- the restaurants were horrible, the baseball stadium
was crappy, the city couldn't possible compare to their home city.
They were so negative, so awful not only to my husband and myself,
but my two sisters in law and my husband's 2 brothers.
The topper came the last night they were there -- a female friend
of my brother in law's came to visit, and when MIL heard her come
in and heard her voice, she made the comment that she thought it was
me at first -- but then, it couldn't have been me because, "there
was too much enthusiasm in her voice, so it couldn't have been you."
She then covered her mouth and said coyly, "oops, I'm not supposed
to say things like that, am I". My brother in law told me this,
and it just hurt my feelings. I had been trying so damn hard
to be nice to this woman, despite her horrendous attitude -- all for
nothing, because she was still making snide little remarks.
Thank God she lives so far away and I don't have to see her very often.
I could go on and on about her, story after story, but I'm already
taking up too much space here. I'm lucky in that my husband
realizes what she's like, and doesn't stick up for her or anything.
I'm just not used to such negativity and rudeness -- my own mother
is wonderful, and has welcomed my husband with open arms. She
is an eccentric woman who believes she is being tough and "east coast",
but she's really being rude, embarrassing, and just plain cruel.
Thanks for letting me vent.
10/19
|
|
I’m the one who has the
witch of a mother that inflicts nothing but terror and hurt on my
new husband. I read all the people who say, “He just won’t stand
up to her!”
Try to understand that it’s hard to stand up to the woman who has
essentially owned your life for the past however-many years.
Most of these non-let-go parents really have some severe mental problems,
and use guilt and fear to control their children. It doesn’t
matter how old they are or what stage they are at in their lives.
You don’t want to hurt her feelings for fear of incurring more of
her wrath.
I came from a divorced family, so not only did my mom not understand
why I wanted to leave her, she couldn’t comprehend why I would want
to get married at all. My mom still has severe separation problems,
and she refuses to see them. She tried to pit me against my
husband. She told me that I was not grown up until I was her
age, and that I was still a child. She said an awful lot of
hurtful things to me, and refused to speak to DH at all. She
refuses to acknowledge DH, and sometimes conveniently forgets that
I am married. She tells me how I ruined my life, my life was
over on my wedding day, I didn’t have a future anymore, on and on
it goes. Never mind that I kept on working, and was just as
successful as before.
I felt bad for DH for taking this, along with trying to solve the
problems in my childhood. Her behavior was simply carrying over
from when I was a little girl; she could not understand the change.
My whole life had revolved around making her happy, and now I had
become the ultimate disappointment. I internalized my anger
at her, and it became anger at myself and my DH. I became physically
violent. I threw things and punched walls. I went around
for days with my hands black and blue from hurting myself. I
gave in to her manipulation and became suspicious of my DH whenever
he left the house. I yelled at him because she told me to, not
because he had deserved it. I yelled about money, household
chores, the past, present and future - anything at all to pick a fight
and prove my mother right about our not being compatible. I
honestly began to believe I should not have married at all whenever
I spoke to her.
I got a wake up call one Christmas when I went home to visit. (I live
800 miles away from her, but it wasn’t enough.) DH had to work
and could not go with me. Mom began to prattle on and on about
one of her friends that had dedicated her life to her parents.
She never dated or married; she stayed with her parents and took care
of them into their old age. She had never moved away from home
in her 50 years of life. Mom called her the perfect daughter.
A chill went through me, and I realized that I could never give my
mother what she wanted.
And what would happen if we allowed things to continue as they were
and we brought children into the equation?
I took a hard look at my life and my behavior, and I realized something
was terribly wrong. I needed help. I sought professional
help, and it was the best thing I ever did for my marriage and myself.
I know now that the marriage comes first and foremost in every aspect
of my life. My DH supported me the whole way, and we are now
a team in each other’s lives. I felt so confident in myself,
not needing her stamp of approval on every facet of my existence,
I began planning for my ultimate dream; owning my own business and
becoming fabulously wealthy. I no longer cared if I failed or
not, the important thing was to try.
My mother has not, and probably cannot, change. She still tries
to manipulate me, but I see through her now. I give her gentle
responses and correct her. I bring up DH in every conversation
when she forgets, and I tell her how happy we are together.
It angers her, but she doesn’t have any ammunition anymore.
Do I protect DH and the marriage from her? You bet. She
has been warned, and she has backed down. She hears me talk
about the business and tells me that she prays for me (not DH), she
begs me not to get in over my head. I laugh and keep going.
So, there is hope for the hopeless. I hope someone can take
my story and see how badly their twisted parents try to manipulate
them, and understand that it is wrong. Good luck!
10/19
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Twisted
Parents" in your response.
|
|
This is my second marriage.
My first husband was killed in an accident 10 years ago (we were 24).
I have a wonderful relationship with his family still. My child
calls them Grammie and Grampa, and his brother and sister-in-laws
Aunt and Uncle. I speak almost daily with my 1st Mother-in-law,
she's one of my best friends. I practically grew up in her home,
since I had dated her son since I was 15 years old.
The issues are with my "new" Mother-in-law. She has come right
out and told me that she finds it rude and disgusting that I still
talk about my 1st husband, and that my son (who is not her grandson)
refers to "those" people like they are family. My husband, on
the other hand, is adored and reciprocates the feeling back to my
1st husband's family. When my husband's brother got married
this year it was clearly stated that my son would not be included
in the wedding party since he was not "blood" (my husband has adopted
my son). I, needless to say, can tolerate alot, but when you
mess with my child's feelings you bring out the worst in me.
After being cornered by one of her verbal attacks, I lashed back and
told her that I thought she was a mean spiteful woman, and that I
don't like her, and never really have, because once I stopped trying
to like her there wasn't really anything likeable about her.
I don't understand where these people come from. I've had them
in my home for holiday (where they don't bring anything, and they
don't help clean up). I'm a good wife to my husband and love
him dearly. Shouldn't that be enough for this woman??????
The family wedding this year was the final straw for me. I could
not bring myself to attend a function to celebrate something that
I didn't believe in (happiness for these cruel people). Since
this, "the woman" has completely cut my husband out of her life
and the family because he is married to me. I feel bad for my
husband, but it's actually a relief not to have to worry about the
holidays this year.
Does all this make me the "bad one"?
10/18
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "Am I
The Bad One?" in your response.
RESPONSE: Response to "Am I the Bad One?"
My heart goes out to you. No, you are not the bad one ... and
when you need to feel good about yourself, just look at how those
other in-laws love you -- and how your husband loves you. My
heart ached for you when I read your story.
10/19
RESPONSE: RE: "Bad one?"
You are not the bad one!!! Your MIL is a self-centered, uncaring
woman. You should not give her a second thought. I think
it's great that she's removed herself from your lives. You're
better off without her. I can't believe that she's jealous of
your 1st husband's parents, and the close relationship you still have
with them. Your son has the right to be close to his father's
parents! It's not his fault, nor yours, that your 1st husband
died early (my condolences...), and neither of you should be punished
for that. Nor should you be punished for still caring about
that family, and for keeping your first husband's memory alive.
It sounds like your current husband has a healthy, loving approach
to it all. Don't let your MIL ruin the love that you, your husband,
and your son are sharing with each other and your other ILs.
If your MIL wants to replace that love with hate, then it's her problem.
Continue to be the loving people you are, and keep her away.
Let her wallow in her own hate, and refuse to let her affect your
family. Most of all, don't let her create self-doubt in you!
Why should you doubt behaving in a loving, caring manner to other
people? Keep her hateful presence away ... trust me, your husband,
your son, and you will all be better off for it. Life is too
short to be around such negative, destructive, people!!!
10/19
RESPONSE: "Am I the bad one?"
You certainly are not the one to blame here. It sounds like
we have the same MIL. I don't understand why your MIL would
raise a fuss over the fact that your son thinks of your former in-laws
as family - they ARE his family. Not including your son in the
wedding because he is not "blood" is so cruel. They can include
anyone they want, but to be so mean about it is just EVIL. Your
husband is so sweet to have adopted your child. He must be hurting,
as his family is treating him so badly. My hubby tries not to
show his hurt as his mother treats us the same way. We now do
not communicate with her, and yes, holidays are much more wonderful
without having to worry about her "tender" feelings and mean spiritedness
when things don't go the way she wants them to. I am now pregnant
with our first, and I certainly do not intend to expose my child to
her manipulative or cruel behavior. Bravo for you for standing
up to her!
10/19
|
|
Finally - a place to VENT.
My Husband, a very aggressive professional, has been struggling with
a serious case of depression for a year. We have been to two
doctors and he is taking meds. This has also affected the stability
of our marriage (not uncommon, I am told) and we separated for two
weeks, but are now together. We have gone to marriage counseling
and he is seeking counseling alone.
He finally broke down and told his parents two months ago. They
advised him to, "get off the medication, because it is a sign of weakness,
and you are not a weak person. Also - you will become too dependant".
Now, these are well educated people, but where do they get off telling
him this!!!! I feel he should only stop taking the medication
if his doctor says it's okay.
Now, I hear from a mutual friend that MIL has told mutual friend that
I am the cause of the depression. I have pushed, bullied, and
controlled Husband from day one. I forced him to move to a town
away from his "home" (two and one half hours away) and forced him
to buy a home he did not want, and now he is "saddled" with this burden.
Furthermore, according to MIL, everyone knows that Husband will only
be happy living in his hometown near his family.
We have been married seven years, and do not have children.
However, on more than one occasion MIL has said (in front of me) that
I forced Husband to move away from them, and closer to my parents,
so that when grandkids do come they will be closer to my family and
I can "cut her out of the picture."
My husband is the "pleaser" of the family. He has always been
one to go out of his way to try to please everyone even at the expense
of his own happiness. He assures me that I did not force or
bully him into moving or into buying our home. He agrees that
he remembers it being a decision we made together after a lot of discussion
and research. However, he constantly feels torn between what
I want and what his mother wants. He says a major part of his
depression is that he no longer knows what he wants out of life or
what will make him happy.
MIL is correct in that Husband cherishes his family, and they have
always been very close and tight knit. According to my calculations,
we spend at least ten weekends per year at the in-laws' home, plus
we have taken a week long family vacation with them for the past three
years, PLUS we alternate holidays with them and with my folks.
Is this not enough???? They have an open invitation into our
home, and have been here for two weekends in the past year.
I want, more than anything, for my husband to stand up to MIL and
tell her to butt out and buzz off. I want him to tell her that
she is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG when she says I have manipulated and controlled
him. I want him to say this is his home and I am who he wants
to be with. I am afraid to ask Husband to do this, and to tell
him how important it is, b/c it may push him, the Pleaser, too far.
I am considering any and all advice I can get. I love my husband,
and will do anything to help him overcome his depression. I
will be with him in good times and in bad. However, I do not
like MIL and don't know if I can take this for another 50 years.
With my luck, she will live to be 100.
Whew - I feel better now.
10/13
***NOTE: Please feel free to respond to this (using
our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you
have any advice to share. Reference this story as "50 Years"
in your response.
RESPONSE: Re: 50 years
Please, have your husband read what you have posted here. Right
up there with love for your husband you should be honest with him.
10/14
RESPONSE: RE: 50 years
Quoting from your post:
"My husband is the "pleaser" of the family. He has always been
one to go out of his way to try to please everyone even at the expense
of his own happiness. He assures me that I did not force or
bully him into moving or into buying our home. He agrees that
he remembers it being a decision we made together after a lot of discussion
and research. However, he constantly feels torn between what
I want and what his mother wants. He says a major part of his
depression is that he no longer knows what he wants out of life or
what will make him happy."
Substitute "wife" for "husband" and you have my situation.
The MIL is up for a week as I type this. This AM is the first
morning I saw her, and already we had a fight. If you have ANY
sort of a conflict with my wife's mother she turns in the "Beast from
Hell". She was shouting at me right in front of my 17 month
old son! And it's difficult discussing anything with her because
she's "always right" in her own mind.
What makes matters worse is that my wife is scared to confront her
mother. She's in her mid 30's, yet when "mommie's"
around she turns into an obedient 12 year old daughter again.
She literally told me the ENTIRE TIME she was growing up with her
mom she "never" had a fight with her. She just always did exactly
what her mother told her to.
During this argument this morning, which my wife SHOULD have been
a part of since it concerned her as well, my wife went up the stairs
and hid in the bathroom.
She's terrified of her mother. I'm the sort of person that avoids
confrontation also, so it takes years of subtle (and not so subtle)
insults to make me go off. Now that I've seen what a BEAST the
MIL is when you do confront her, I can understand my wife's reluctance
to confront her. But that doesn't make it any less annoying that I'm
basically alone when I do have to confront her mother.
It was easier before we had a child. Now I fear the visits will become
more frequent and the MIL will start to try to exert her iron will
on my son.
The problem is because my wife won't stand up to her mom or even bring
up MINOR issues that bother her. It's left ALL up to me.
So I've become the "bad guy".
ARGH!
Venting almost makes it worse. I just keep telling myself, "It's
only for five more days ...". But then when she's gone
I start worrying about the next visit.
10/16
RESPONSE: "50 years"
I think you have a terrible situation with your MIL. She sounds
like a nightmare. No wonder your husband is going through a
depression! He was obviously raised by a terribly dysfunctional
woman. My advice would be this: try to keep MIL away as
much as possible. Her destructive influence is affecting you
and dh in such a negative way. I feel that if you truly love
your husband you will help him deal humanly with the emotions/sadness/depression
he's bound to feel (and stay by his side as he works it out), and
keep his destructive MIL away. I promise your marriage will
be stronger for it. Best of luck to you; you're in my thoughts ...
10/19
|
|
Yesterday, as part of
my job, I had to work on a book that had a chapter on in-laws.
It's a very Christian fundamentalist book (there are probably all
different religious beliefs among readers of this site, and I'm not
a fundamentalist myself). But I was fascinated by the premise
of this chapter: very strong feelings, repeated over and over, that
when a couple marries, they LEAVE THEIR PARENTS (separate emotionally,
and by literally moving away) for their spouse.
I have a lot of issues with my MIL (not so much my FIL individually),
and I wonder if some of that has to do with the fact that we live
so near BOTH sets of parents. They aren't intrusive in the way
of always coming to visit us (in fact, we see them probably less often
than if they lived farther away!). But I'm the one who wrote
in the "Every Little Thing" entry -- my MIL wants to know every little
detail of our lives (to give her credit, though, she never asks REALLY
personal questions -- about sex and plans for a family, or anything)
it might be kind of unhealthy to still be so attached to our parents
(I'm guilty of this as much as my husband is, although my parents
definitely don't ask a lot of questions -- "Have you taken your
SHOWER yet?") than to have really moved away and started a life of
our own.
Even when our dog ran off the other week -- she came back a few hours
later, looking very guilty -- my dh's parents rushed over uninvited
to help look for her, after my dh cancelled a dinner we had planned
with them. They aren't really willing to let us deal with our
own problems -- and instead of being a help, their over-involvement
is a burden.
I wrote in, a while ago, about how we lost our electricity one weekend,
and my husband called someone from church who's an electrician --
he helped us figure it out. My dh hadn't said a word about it
to his parents, but they got wind of it, and immediately called to
be in on it and hear all the details. It can be really smothering
sometimes. We'd like to have some autonomy, and live as adults.
But I'm as guilty as he is -- my own parents are RIGHT NEXT DOOR,
and I work at home, so (except at night) I actually spend more time
with them than with him. Well, this book was a revelation --
that the Bible says to LEAVE YOUR PARENTS, and be one with your spouse.
That's probably, really, really wise advice -- I don't know if my
husband and I will ever manage that, but maybe sharing it will help
another couple who CAN do it!
10/17 |
|
|
|
Working Women Don't Have Wives