|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 11/17/01
<--Previous Archive
Next Archive -->
 |
Posted: 30-OCT-01
I have read several stories on this site about MILs
criticizing for not having children, or for raising children poorly.
I have another angle. Almost every time we see my MIL, she rants
and raves about how much energy children take, how naughty they are,
how tiring, how we should wait a long time, etc., etc., etc.
I get the feeling that she doesn't think I'd be a good mother, and
is trying to keep me from considering that option. She, herself,
was married 9 months before she had her first child, and had three
more. She was a fairly good mother, but I don't need her advice
about this! We've been married for more than two years already,
and don't even plan to have children for a few years, anyway.
So, the constant comments are relatively pointless. On a related
note, several months ago my MIL told my partner that he, "does
too much around the house". I took that to mean that either:
a) too much gets done around our house, or b) I don't
do enough around the house. I still haven't solved this one,
and I don't feel like spending *any* time around her. That incident
confirmed our decision to move halfway across the country.
Signed - Don't Want To
Spend Time With MIL
RESPONSE: Don't Want To Spend Time With MIL
Posted: 1-NOV-01
Your story reminds me of my FMIL. When my FDH
and I first starting dating, she wanted us basically to conceive on
the wedding night, and it HAD to be a boy!! Now, she is baby-sitting
two of her niece's sons, and she has recently told FDH that we should
wait to have children, because the two she has wear her out.
Ummm, what does she think she is going to do? Raise our future
children? Ummm, NO! I don't even want her looking after
them overnight (like she does for her niece's sons). Besides,
she lives 2 hours from us and I will NOT be calling her to come watch
them while FDH and I can go to dinner alone. I don't know why
it always has to be about her! Now, FDH and I will not even
start trying for children until we have been married for a few years.
So, we will have babies when FDH and I are good and ready, NOT ON
FMIL'S TIME LINE!
RESPONSE: Don't Want To Spend Time
With MIL
Posted: 1-NOV-01
Move far! Move now! Go, be free!
And Godspeed to you!! LOL. I don't mean to make light,
but I totally know where you are coming from. Except for me,
the problem was my SIL! She was more like a MIL sometimes than
my MIL was! SIL had three boys (who are now grown, and very
angry, confused, drug-addicted, depressed men). She spent their
whole childhood complaining to everyone around her about how hard
it was to be a parent, how much work it takes, and that nobody ever
tells you the bad parts about parenting. All this was done within
earshot of her sons, at all family gatherings. She would talk
about her kid's problems in front of everyone while seated around
her dining room table, and paint herself as the martyr. And
woe was her. My MIL and DH's aunts all thought she was such
a saint for putting up with so much! It was despicable.
Her sons had the problems they had because she was such a moron when
it came to parenting. Anyway, whenever we brought up having
children, she would warn us that we would see what she was talking
about. When my DH called to tell her we were expecting our first
child, she just said, "Oh." Then, when he went on
and on excitedly about it, she said, "Oh, so this is a good thing?"
At a cousin's house, we were talking with everyone about the new baby,
and she was belligerent about how. "We would see it isn't so
wonderful." Well, it turned out that it is the hardest
job we have ever done, and it is also the most wonderful. We
have two children now, and we really enjoy them, and love them.
And I love being a mom, but my SIL can't stand it. She never
bothers with our kids (we were always good to her kids - she DEMANDED
that from us, even though it wasn't necessary). It really, truly
bothers her that we aren't having the same horrible experiences that
she had. I think she projected a lot of her own negativity onto
us, and she was waiting to sit back and smugly say, "I told you
so." And when that didn't happen, she couldn't take it!
Maybe your MIL wasn't so keen on parenting either, and she didn't
like it as much as she thought she would. But that doesn't mean
that you won't like it if you decide to have children! It's
good that you are moving away from this woman - her negativity is
something you definitely don't need to be around! Good luck
to you, and try to avoid your MIL at all costs.
RESPONSE: Don't Want To Spend Time With MIL
Posted: 5-NOV-01
I've been listening to my MIL's rude comments for
over 4 years now. Out of everything I have ever heard her say,
I think the most ridiculous comment ever was when she said to my husband,
"She has you doing all of the housework, doesn't she?"
During our 4 years of marriage, I think my husband has washed dishes
about 5 times. He has vacuumed twice and done the laundry about
3 times, even though I have had 2 major surgeries since we have been
married. I have just recently gotten him to wipe up spills,
crumbs, and blood on the counter that is left behind when he checks
his blood sugar levels. Before then, I was constantly having
to wipe up after him. Two years ago, I finally got him trained
to actually put his dirty clothes in the laundry baskets. Before
then, he threw his dirty clothes down in every room in the house,
sometimes on the floor, sometimes on the counter, sometimes on the
furniture. I had to make a rule that I wouldn't wash any clothes
unless they were in the laundry basket, and I was not going to put
his clothes in the laundry basket. I didn't wash any of his
clothes for about 4 weeks. My husband is this way because of
the filthy pack-rat environment he grew up in. His family put
an addition on the back of their home that was as large as the original
home, because they eventually ran out of space to live in, because
of all of the garbage they store inside their home. They even
added a pole barn, and can't park a car in their oversized 2 car garage.
Even though they have all of this space to store things, you can't
even step into the pole barn with out first taking stuff out of it.
They don't even get the concept of leaving aisles so you can walk
up to your junk. When I heard you say your MIL may think you
don't do enough around the house, I instantly wondered how much she
does around the house. If she's anything like my MIL, she doesn't
even wash dishes. Either her husband and/or children washed
them, or they didn't get washed. Surprisingly enough, I wasn't
allowed to see the house he grew up in until after we had been married
for 6 months. She doesn't even get embarrassed by toilets that
haven't been cleaned for half of a year. I could just go on
and on with my stories. UUUUGGGGGGG!!!!!!
RESPONSE From Poster: Don't Want To Spend Time With MIL
Posted: 9-NOV-01
Responding to my own post: Good observation
- she doesn't really do that much around her own house. It's
a mess. They own about five times more stuff than they really
need, but she can't even see it. It's clean on the surface,
but there is just SO much stuff. The other thing is that her
husband does a lot of the cooking, and her children did a lot of the
cleaning when they still lived there. I always thought of her
as somewhat progressive until she complained about DH "doing
too much around the house." Anyway, while DH is learning
(from me) to keep the place clean and cut down on junk that he doesn't
need, he is a bit of a slob still (leaving clothes all over, etc.
- and he doesn't do ANYWHERE near as much housework as I do.
It is really important to me that he learn to contribute in this way
because I grew up watching my mother be miserable because my father
would not help her at all with anything - because it was "her
job".
|
|
Posted: 2-NOV-01
This is my first posting. My MIL is an emotional
terrorist. She controls everyone and everything. She is
actually the most unhappy person I've known. It's just pitiful.
She never stops fighting with her husband. They, basically,
have lived in the same house, but haven't had a marriage in more than
30 years! MIL is ruled by what others will think, and she must
appear perfect. She makes Martha Stewart look lazy. MIL
has been so cruel that it's sickening. Before we were married,
my husband told her she must stop her abusive behavior. Just
three weeks before our wedding, I told her I was not going to tolerate
her abuse ,and that if she intended on continuing like this she was
not welcome at the wedding. Our Pastor spoke with her on several
occasions to no avail. Even my future SIL and BIL told her that
she was way out of line. She still wouldn't change her behavior!
The Pastor, SIL and BIL, who were just exhausted by this mess, all
told us to ignore her and get on with our lives. I assumed that,
once we were married, I could expect a change. MIL demonstrated
that she could be counted on to be as mean as ever. Together,
my husband and I spoke with her again. She then said that I
brainwashed everyone to be against her!!! Anyway, for our own
health and happiness, we decided we couldn't invest any more effort
into making this relationship normal. Since then, we have had
no contact from ANY of his family! Everyone told me she's nuts,
and just ignore her. How can one sit in a room of 20 adults
and just watch someone being abused and mistreated? Can't anybody
hold this woman responsible for her conduct? My husband is 100%
with me. Yet our (husband and myself) mutual goal is for all
this to end in peace and harmony. I don't get it. MIL
and I both want him happy. My husband and I have now been made
aware that MIL is spreading lies about me. How have I ripped
her family apart and abused her?!!!! HELP!!!! We live
in a small community, and this is very destructive to me personally.
This is really affecting me, and I am heartsick. I think about
this all the time. I have been victimized, and MIL has made
me out to be a villain. How can we cope with this unfair rejection?
Signed - How Can We Cope
With This Unfair Rejection?
RESPONSE: How Can We Cope With This Unfair Rejection?
Posted: 8-NOV-01
You stated she had a cruel behavior, but you didn't
state any examples. I only ask, because that would help us to
understand and help with a solution. I know you are concerned
about the lies she is spreading, but don't worry about what other
people think. Isn't that one of your MIL's biggest hang-ups?
Continue doing what you are doing. Your family knows the truth,
as does your pastor. You can only do what you can do.
If people choose to believe lies and take sides, then I wouldn't waste
any thoughts or energy on people who are ignorant.
|
|
Posted: 18-OCT-01
First of all, thank you for allowing me to write my
story. I was married only 9 months ago. When I first came
to my husband's home, everything was perfect. MIL and FIL were
such nice people, but it all ended as it began. I am Hindu,
and in the Indian community, daughters-in-law are like slaves.
We are to cook and clean for the whole family, and we have to make
sure there are three perfect meals on the table. My DH and I
then moved to another state. Unfortunately, my MIL kept calling
all the time. She always thinks I am not good for her son.
She never ever praises me, yet she always (I mean every few minutes
of the day) praises her son and daughter. Her daughter has also
put a strain on my relationship. Every few weeks we will get
a parcel. They buy a lot of things for my husband - shirts,
trousers, underwear and pj's. I always tell my MIL that none
of the things fit, yet she insists on sending more. MIL has
always compared me with her daughter. Every time I make a new
dish or try something new in my home, my MIL will say, "Oh, my
daughter does it better." Sometime it breaks my heart,
because I love my husband so much, and I am never even close to making
it - forget about being perfect. My FIL will send money that
we do not need. I say to him, "Dad, we are both working
people, and you should save your money for a rainy day. And
if we need your money, we will certainly ask for it." Yet,
they give my husband money. In turn, my husband has to obey
their every command. It's the way my in-laws keep a hold of
their son. My MIL will come to our new home, which is 1000 miles
away from them, and rearrange everything in my home (including my
kitchen). I am so tired. My husband refuses to listen
to me. Every time I try to talk to him about the problem, he
shuts me off. So, I am at the point where I am burnt out.
They come for one week every three months, but that week feels like
one year. Please, will someone help and tell me how to deal
with this. Since I walked in the house, they have always put
me down. We have a dog. To my husband and his parents,
the dog comes first, before me. My SIL is so pushy and overpowering.
When my husband and I are sitting, she will come up to my husband
and bite him, kiss him, or play with his chest (I know you all find
this strange, but, yes, it is true). On many occasions, I have
tried to tell her I was uncomfortable and to stop. Yet she did
not stop - it got worse.
Signed - She Did Not Stop
- It Got Worse
RESPONSE: She Did Not Stop - It Got Worse
Posted: 19-OCT-01
Who bites your DH? The dog or his sister?
If I heard correctly, it's his sister!! IF this is true, that
is twisted, and you should be on alert about that. I too have
been through this with the dog incident. My DH chose the dog
over me too. How petty it sounds when I write about it now.
But, during that time, it was soooo hurtful to me. He has chosen
a lot over me, though. We've been together a long time, and
it has finally gotten better. He is waking up slowly.
I was convinced that he'd always be this way until it finally destroyed
our love for one another. But, thank G-d it hasn't gone that
far. As far as your MIL goes, don't even try to change that
behavior. Your DH has hope - your MIL is a lost cause.
Stand up to her NOW! Don't let her rearrange your kitchen.
Stick up for yourself firmly and calmly. I did it just recently,
and, Ohhhhhhhhh, did it feel so good. The blood started to pump
through my body once more. I felt like a new person. I
wasn't being an @ss, but I was being the strong woman that I am, and
she was livid. Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah. She can't step
on me anymore. It took so much courage for me to do it, because
I was sooo afraid of her. But, I'm still here. I lived
through it, and I'm a better person for it. My DH is now on
my side. Don't you know that all she is, is a strong woman who
controls him. Take away her power to control you, and he will
notice that she isn't as strong as he thought she was after all.
Take Care.
RESPONSE: She Did Not Stop - It Got Worse
Posted: 19-OCT-01
I am an Indian too. So I can understand you
well. My husband would never believe that his parents could
say or do anything wrong. I tried to win his parents and sister
over, but nothing worked. Whatever you do, it's wrong.
Whatever you say is misinterpreted. Finally, I stopped trying.
It was like beating my head against a stone wall. I have never
been rude to them, never raised my voice, and never been disrespectful,
but I still have not been accepted as a part of the family (it's a
year since we were married). As a result of all the tension
between my in-laws and me, and all the tension in my marriage, I have
been ill constantly, and have not been able to recover yet.
Finally, I decided to do well in my job and put all my energy into
building my marriage, and stop complaining about my in-laws to my
husband. The progress I made in my career helped my self-confidence
and self-esteem. My MIL finally "gave herself away"
one day in my husband's presence. Since then, he has been a
lot more supportive of me (not openly, of course, but the time will
come). Otherwise, my DH is a wonderful person. But your
problem seems to be more complicated with your SIL. She is probably
trying to prove that she is still her brother's pet. You cannot
change anybody. If nobody in your husband's family cares for
you (your husband included), you'll need to decide if you care enough
for yourself. It's hard, I know. I nearly went crazy.
But remember, you are nobody's slave, Indian or not. It's not
your destiny to be unhappy. You will need a lot of courage and
wisdom in the coming years. Good luck, and hugs.
RESPONSE: She Did Not Stop - It Got Worse
Posted: 19-OCT-01
It is hard for me to understand your exact situation,
since there is a cultural difference. But, I understand your
pain, and offer sympathy. I don't know what your options are
for your culture. I wonder if the SIL is married yet.
It sounds as if she is not. When/if she gets married, maybe
your MIL will understand how important it is to treat the DILs with
respect and love. In the meantime, good luck!
RESPONSE: She Did Not Stop - It Got Worse
Posted: 20-OCT-01
I felt terrible after reading your story. I
feel that you should first get your husband to be on your side.
Without that, you might not be able to get your point across to your
SIL or In-laws. That is a very nasty thing for your SIL to do.
I found it very odd. I, myself, am from an Indian community,
and such an act towards my brother would result in anger from my parents.
Don't your in-laws object to this touching between brother and sister?
My feeling towards MIL and in-laws: I have been reading and submitting
in this site for a long time, and I have realized that MIL Torture
has no boundaries of cast or country. MILs of every community
have different kinds of ways to torture their DILs. You, I feel,
should try to win the confidence of your husband first, and only then
will you be able to deal with your in-laws. If he is able to
back you up, then you will have a better chance. Do not take
every SH!T they give you. Make it clear to them that, what ever
you do for them (cook, clean, etc.), it's out of respect, not out
of duty. And, do not do everything they tell you to. Make
them understand that you have your own way of doing some things.
The more you try to please them, the more demanding they will get.
I have stopped trying to please my MIL. I don't care if she
thinks my SIL is better. If she ever says that to my face, then
I will tell her, "Get you daughter to cook, then."
STOP TRYING TO PLEASE THEM - they will never be happy with you.
They are not supposed to be, as this is the law of MILs (to hate DILs).
Do not use the stuff sent by them. Let them waste their money.
Make it very clear to your husband that it is your place and right
to buy stuff for him, and you will donate every personal item that
comes from your MIL. Be bad. Only then will you be given
respect. As for money, I say grab it and run. My in-laws
TAKE money from us, and still my DH and I do not have an upper hand,
nor are we in a better position than you. Them giving money
is not making him go to them. If you stop taking the money,
even then they will have the same hold over him. Take the money,
and enjoy it while you can. In a few years, you will be giving
more than you take. You have been married only a few months,
and you will have to work towards getting your DH to start putting
you first over his mother. If it was an arranged marriage, then
work harder. One year is too little to remove the 25 year old
charm that mothers have over their sons. Do reply to your own
submission to update us on what's going on.
RESPONSE: She Did Not Stop - It Got Worse
Posted: 5-NOV-01
You and your husband should definitely read a book
called, "Emotional
Incest, What To Do When A Parent's Love Rules Your Life."
It was written by Patricia Love. This book will help both of
you tremendously. My husband is finally making severely needed
changes with his relationship with his mother because of this book.
RESPONSE: She Did Not Stop - It Got Worse
Posted: 8-NOV-01
I can't believe I haven't seen this story before.
I am not Indian, but I am from Indian territory. I have the
problems you have. My in-laws also buy my DH gifts. They
don't live near us either. They mail his gifts. I stopped
signing for them. They also give him money. I gave up
arguing about the money. They can give it to him if they want
to, but DH or I will be obligated to them for it. I have made
this clear. I also have a SIL like yours. She acts like
she wants to be my DH's wife or girlfriend. She will do anything
for my DH's attention. It makes me sick. I've been in
this a lot longer than you. 9 years of it. MIL thinks
SIL's actions are fine. She thinks SIL is perfect, and encourages
it. It took a while, but my DH started to open his eyes to them.
I get very sick when I am around SIL because of the way she acts.
DH noticed this. SIL is no longer welcome at our home.
It is too draining to be around her. She craves too much attention.
MIL always tries to bring SIL with her to see us. MIL wants
SIL and my DH to be close. There are many times when MIL didn't
come to see us, because we told her we aren't up to a visit from SIL.
I really think SIL wants to be in my shoes. She has tried to
take my DH's attention, my dog, and my unborn child. MIL thinks
this is normal, and likes to tell me how awful I am for not making
SIL happy. Like you, I can never do anything right, either.
My advice to you is stop trying. Ignore them as much as possible.
If it makes you feel better, do things to irritate them. Most
of all, talk to your DH. He is your lifeline. His reactions
will determine the outcome of your situation. Nothing got better
for me. In fact, everything got worse until my DH realized what
was going on and how it was affecting me. He is the only thing
that makes this bad situation better. I still have my problems
with the in-laws, but knowing DH is on my side is what gets me through
it. You will have to be emotionally distant from these people.
That was my first mistake. I wanted to have a good relationship
with them. It's not possible. I don't think it is possible
in your case either since, according to MIL, you can't do anything
right, and she compares you to SIL. This is the first year of
your marriage. You and DH are getting used to being married.
It's not a surprise that your DH hasn't opened his eyes yet.
I'm sure he is hurt and confused about this situation right now.
Don't be mad at him yet. Talk to him. The sooner he sees
it and takes a stand, the happier you will be. I'm not surprised
that your MIL is sending the wrong size. My MIL does this too.
They never know what to get him, so they copy what I get him.
They just try to make sure that they spend more money than I do.
SIL will even copy me on things while trying to get my DH's approval,
but yet I'm not good enough. My DH has gotten really good at
ignoring them, but this didn't happen in the first year, and it's
not overnight. Just let them keep it up. Your DH will
see it for himself. If you need someone to talk to, I post on
the message board. There are a lot of other helpful ladies on
the board, too. I hate that you have to deal with this.
I know how hard it can be, especially with a twisted SIL. She
should let up on it when she gets herself a man. Mine does.
Pretty sick, but it has worked that way for us. I think maybe
your MIL and SIL are jealous of you. I hope it gets better for
you.
|
|
Posted: 26-OCT-01
I sure that everyone will want to run right out and
shop for your MIL (just kidding). I did not know that there
was a "Mothers-in-Law Day". But I got this email from
a company who, in my mind, has nice of stuff for my MIL. Here
is what it said, "Yes, some are treasures to cherish, and some
aren't! But on Sunday, October 28th, they all deserve a special
tribute. Created in 1934 as a salute to our "second mothers",
Mothers-in-law Day offers the perfect opportunity to show her that
you care." I am not sure what kind of tribute my MIL will
get. I think that nothing will be just fine. I hope everyone
finds this as funny as I did.
Signed - Not Running Out
To Shop
RESPONSE: Not Running Out To Shop
Posted: 30-OCT-01
BWAHAHAHAHA! Yeah, my MIL is going to get something
all right - an afternoon of SILENCE from me (to go with the two months
of SILENCE she's gotten since I decided not to deal with her cr@p
anymore)! A salute to our "second mothers"?
What the he!! for? I have one mother, and she's the best mother
I could ever have gotten. And I damn sure don't need another
one! I didn't know there was a MIL's Day. Most, surely,
don't deserve it!
RESPONSE: Not Running Out To Shop
Posted: 30-OCT-01
Your story gave me a good laugh! I can relate,
believe me! I used to try and win my MIL over, then I got wise
and gave up trying.
RESPONSE: Not Running Out To Shop
Posted: 5-NOV-01
The best gift my MIL could receive for MIL day would
be a huge dumpster on her driveway and some young men to transport
her junk from her property to the inside of the dumpster. Maybe
then she could walk through her house. But, wait a minute, that
wouldn't work. Unfortunately, even though she is almost 70 years
old and can barely get out of a chair, she still won't part with any
of her stuff. Oh yeah, filling one dumpster would hardly even
make a noticeable difference. If she ever does decide to part
with any of her (something that rhymes with strap), she would need
to be on the dumpster a week for a year program.
RESPONSE: Not Running Out To Shop
Posted: 8-NOV-01
I laughed out loud about the dumpster idea. Too
funny!!!!
|
|
Posted: 2-NOV-01
My MIL lives about 30 minutes away. She occasionally
(about once a month) will take my 2 1/2 year old son overnight.
When my son comes home from her house, he is like a different child.
He is over-tired, cranky, and wants nothing to do with anyone but
"Grandma". I am starting to dread letting him go to
her house because of what I know my son will be like when he comes
home. I know she spoils him, but this is ridiculous!!
I have had some major problems with my MIL in the past. How
do I handle this? Should I say something, and what should I
say? Or, should I just let DH handle it. He also sees
and dislikes the "devil child" that comes home from Grandma's.
Signed - A Wolf Comes Home
In Sheep's Clothing
RESPONSE: A Wolf Comes Home In Sheep's Clothing
Posted: 5-NOV-01
I, first and foremost, am not a MIL. I, also,
am here because I have an evil MIL, and am here for support.
Please, let me know if I am wrong because of too little information.
I feel like, sometimes, DILs tend to overreact. My MIL, for
one, won't take my children overnight. She ignores them, and
wants all of my DH's time to herself. I feel like, under most
circumstances, children need to have a close grandparent/grandchild
relationship. Grandparents can be great for the child, because
in many cases, the grandparent's life has slowed down enough to give
the child their undivided attention. I have a dreadful MIL.
On the other hand, I have a wonderful mother who is not able to spend
time with her grandchildren because my SIL's mother is in competition
with her. If all your child wants is grandma when he/she comes
home, then it may make you a little jealous. But, on the other
hand, it also means that she is treating the child well. I wish
I had a MIL that would as much as take my child to give me a break
(I have no relatives here). But, she won't, and she never does
anything for them, because it isn't for her. Try to look at
it from different angles, and ask yourself if you would feel this
way if it was your own mother.
RESPONSE: A Wolf Comes Home In
Sheep's Clothing
Posted: 5-NOV-01
You have my sympathy. Whenever my son would go
to my MIL's house, he would come back a spoiled monster. She
used to brag to me that he never cried while he was "At Grandma's".
This never impressed me, because it meant that she had given into
everything he asked for. It used to take us 2 or 3 days to deprogram
him. I always wondered if it was even worth it to have him go
there. MIL made me mad for other reasons, too. She had
a closet full of toys that she kept for her other grandchild (her
favorite grandchild), "Mary". She told me that she
"ALLOWED" my son to play with Mary's toys while he was there.
Then, she had the nerve to give the toys to us to keep at our house
now that Mary has outgrown them (I have a younger child too).
Recently, she told me that, when Mary has her birthday every year,
she and FIL drive 2 hours to see her, take her out to lunch, buy her
an armful of clothes for her birthday, etc. My son is just slightly
younger than Mary, and the in-laws have never done this for HIS birthday.
Forget the trip to the mall - he would just love to have a few hours
with them and get some attention from them on his birthday.
But, for some reason, they feel it is OK to tell me about this annual
trip with Mary. And, they don't think it hurts us to know that
they do not do the same birthday activity with our son. They
always threaten to take both of my kids for the weekend, but somehow
they never do. They bring up the topic a lot, but never actually
get down to whipping out their address book and making firm plans.
The last time they mentioned it, my son winked at me, since he knows
that she always brings it up, and never follows thru on it.
When we told her about the possibility of DH getting transferred,
and that we may move out of the area, MIL said that she would be soooo
upset, because she wouldn't see her precious grandkids. Yet,
that comment is ridiculous, since she never makes an effort to see
them anyway.
RESPONSE: A Wolf Comes Home In
Sheep's Clothing
Posted: 5-NOV-01
Pick your battles. Find out how she is treating
him differently. Find the things that really bother you and
address them with your MIL. As a parent, you have the right
to tell people what they can and can't do with your kids. If
your child is that bad when he comes home, then something is wrong.
Not only are you and your husband miserable, but so is your kid.
Your kid is probably getting mixed signals. At your house, he
can do one thing, but at your MIL's house he can do the complete opposite.
If you want to stand firm on every single issue, you could run into
problems. That's why I'm saying you should probably pick your
battles and stand firm on the issues that really effect you and your
child. I hope this helps. Most of all, trust your gut.
Good Luck.
RESPONSE: A Wolf Comes Home In Sheep's Clothing
Posted: 7-NOV-01
Is there a compelling reason why you HAVE to let your
son spend one night away a month at Grandma's? Because if not,
then I would just end the night-over visits and let her have him during
the day only. She obviously doesn't know how to handle small
children, and it's a detriment to your child's health. Your
kid's well-being comes first, not Grandma's feelings. Take a
stand! Good luck.
|
|
Posted: 27-OCT-01
I am so glad I found this site. My MIL must be
related to some of yours! She is a seriously disturbed person
who I think has bipolar disorder or something. My DH and SIL
have tried to get her to go see somebody, but she absolutely refuses!
She'll phone our house late at night because she wants my DH to come
over because, "someone's watching her," or, "someone's
throwing rocks at the house." DH, bless him, won't go rushing
over there. Instead, he tells her to call the police.
When she's having one of her "turns", she'll phone people
and accuse them of coming into her house to steal things - only to
find them later in some weird place. We've been married 13 years,
and we were together for 5 years before that. But I'm still
treated as an outsider. She still tells DH things about family
members and tells him not to tell me - even totally innocent things
like, "so-and-so has a gallstone." Hardly state secrets!
And, like many of you, I get to hear all about how he should have
married some girl that he danced with at a wedding 20 years ago(!)
because her dad is filthy rich, and when the girl ended up marrying
somebody else, he gave her husband a really good job, and now they
live in a $300,000 house and "that could have been you!"
This is when I'm sitting right there! Then, she seemingly remembers
my presence and says, "Oh, but we like you too, DIL," in
a really patronizing voice. When we announced that we were getting
married, she said that she and FIL (who, luckily for him, passed away
4 years ago - she was emotionally abusive to him) would pay for the
liquor at the reception. Then, over the time, as we were planning
the wedding, she constantly threw tantrums about things that she didn't
agree with, and said that she wouldn't come to the wedding and wouldn't
pay for the liquor. She also phoned both my mother and my stepmother
and flipped out on them for things that they supposedly had done wrong.
The last time she said she wouldn't pay for the liquor was three days
before the wedding. DH was all worried, because we didn't have
any money budgeted for liquor ourselves. I said, "I don't
care. I don't need booze at my wedding, and if anyone asks me
why we don't have any, I'll tell them." Then, on the day
of the wedding, she was all sweetness and light to everybody.
And, she even got up at the reception to make a little speech welcoming
me to the family. Everyone who didn't know her probably thought,
"What a nice MIL." I just sat there smiling through
gritted teeth. And, don't even get me started on the kids.
We have three beautiful sons. And, although she's let up during
the last few years, when we had our first child, we weren't doing
anything right. I breastfed my babies, and she was constantly
trying to sabotage that. She even hauled my DH's old bottles
up from the basement for me to take home "in case my milk ran
out." Gee, thanks MIL - dusty 30-year-old bottles with
rock-hard nipples. Even if I had been bottle-feeding, I wouldn't
have used those things! And, she accused me of starving the
kids, because I wasn't forcing cereal down their throats when they
were a month old. And, she bought cases of formula, although
I specifically told her I wouldn't be using it. Our middle son
resembles DH, while the other two resemble me. So, she favors
our middle son to the point of ridiculousness. She is constantly
buying him little presents while neglecting the other two. Now,
our oldest, who is 10 years old, doesn't even want to go over there,
because she always nags him about his pierced ear and his streaked
hair. The first time he colored his hair, when he was only 8
years old, she told him she was cutting him out of her will.
Since he had his ear pierced, she won't call him by his name, referring
to him as "Susie." When my younger two kids were diagnosed
with speech delays, she thought that taking them to a speech therapist
wasn't good enough, and she tried to talk my SIL into basically helping
her kidnap them to take them to a doctor. SIL explained to her
that there is no doctor that looks after that, and all they will do
is refer to a speech therapist. MIL still insisted that we weren't
doing enough, and she said, "the boys will never talk."
Then, when they started making really good progress, she went around
saying, "Oh, everyone else said they wouldn't talk, but I always
knew they would." GRRRR! Thanks for letting me vent.
If there's one lesson I've learned from all this, it's that with three
boys, I'm sure to end up with at least one DIL - and I'm going to
bend over backwards to get along with her and not criticize her housekeeping,
cooking, child rearing, etc. I don't want my DIL posting to
a site like this in 20 years about me!
Signed - Future Perfect
MIL!
RESPONSE: Future Perfect MIL!
Posted: 30-OCT-01
I feel like I know who you are talking about!
Actually, I am pretty sure I know who you are taking about!
I had no idea all that went on at the time around your wedding.
She hides it well. Kudos to you for not making your special
day miserable because of her. I think you are a great mom and
your kids are turning out great, so don't ever let her get you down.
The rest of us know better.
RESPONSE: Future Perfect MIL!
Posted: 31-OCT-01
I bet you WILL be a dear, great MIL.
RESPONSE: Future Perfect MIL!
Posted: 4-NOV-01
Your MIL has some big problems, no doubt about it.
I need to point out that the things you described are not bipolar
behavior. My MIL is bipolar, as are two of my friends.
It does not make someone think that there are people outside of the
house. That's more like dementia. I think that, most likely,
she is trying to be the center of attention, and have her finger in
everything.
RESPONSE From Poster: Future Perfect MIL!
Posted: 7-NOV-01
I'm the original poster of this story. I also
know someone who has bipolar disorder, and I realized after I sent
the story that I had used the wrong terminology. I'd like to
apologize to anyone I may have offended by using this term.
I don't know what the diagnosis for my MIL's problems would be, but
it is true that she wants to be the center of attention all the time.
She isn't like this all the time. She's always a bit strange,
but then she goes through periods of truly whacked-out behavior, almost
like a dual personality. That was what made me think of bipolar
disorder. Once again, I'm sorry, and I'd like to thank everyone
who has posted in support of me. I think I know who some of
you are! ;-).
|
|
Posted: 4-NOV-01
I am the Jaded DIL that wrote in a few weeks ago.
I checked back to see the answers, only to find that my MIL had written
in. That's great. I don't mind. I am glad she did.
My problem is that I have been accused of being "immoral"
and "selfish" by some poster who was glad MIL wrote in.
Yes, it is true. My DH and I got together immediately after
his divorce, but how short is life when you find the one you love?
All I have ever wanted was a loving husband (which I found) and a
loving family who supported that. Luckily for me, my family
does not judge on the scale most people do (i.e., MIL and his whole
family). I want to thank the readers who wrote in, but also
let them know that, despite their advice to "let it go",
it is easier said than done. I am not able to "let go"
that my MIL and my DH's whole family has hurt HIM. My DH has
become physically ill over the chaotic last year. I just wish
MIL would understand the importance of family unity. It is so
ironic that I am her junior of thirty years, yet I can be the mature
person and let bygones be bygones. This woman wants drama in
her life. I wrote her and apologized for the mess we have found
ourselves in. I asked her to recognize that she, too, has played
a major role in the hurt, and that we'd like an apology. You
know what she said? She said she needs to do some "soul
searching" and seek professional help, because she can't seem
to deal with "this" without falling to pieces. One
more reason for her to continue the madness. Fine. Let
her have her moment. I have personally had it with trying to
be empathetic and conciliatory. I am through. To all of
you who hope it gets better, use this site. Learn it.
Love it. Hate it. But, the only way things will change
is if the person who is slighting you wishes to change. May
the powers you believe in guide you to face your fears with your eyes
wide open, and seek your dreams with a vengeance.
Signed - Jaded DIL, But
Not Finished Living
RESPONSE: Jaded DIL, But Not Finished Living
Posted: 7-NOV-01
It's too bad your MIL is so completely selfish that
she had to come to this web site and try and make everyone on her
side. She has no loyalty to her own blood, therefore she is
disloyal to you. Take care of yourself and YOUR family.
And if you have to, forget her. A completely selfish person
like that can't be reasoned with. Frankly, not only is your
MIL despicable, but your husband's ex-wife is too. She should
know better. It sounds like two very selfish people to me.
I know why your husband got rid of her. No one has the right
to judge you or anyone else. Good luck and take care of your
family!
RESPONSE: Jaded DIL, But Not Finished
Living
Posted: 7-NOV-01
So, that really was your MIL! How in the world
did she ever find this web site and recognize your post?
RESPONSE: Jaded DIL, But Not Finished
Living
Posted: 7-NOV-01
I'm the one who said I was glad your MIL wrote in.
The way I read her story, it sounded like her son (your husband) left
his wife for another woman - you. If his breakup had nothing
at all to do with you (if you and your husband didn't meet until after
his divorce), then I apologize for my statement. If you were
a factor in their divorce, I stand by my statement that that kind
of behavior is immoral and selfish. I wonder if all the women
who wrote in, criticizing me for saying that, would feel the same
if their husbands left them for another woman? You say your
husband's family has hurt him. From both your and your MIL's
story, I wonder if they disapproved of the way he treated his ex-wife?
Did he try to work out their problems? Did he end the marriage
in an honorable way and try to spare her as much hurt as possible?
Did she want out of the marriage too, or did he just end it?
If he acted dishonorably and dishonestly, then your MIL should be
the least of your worries, and I don't blame his family for being
critical. However, if he was honorable and genuinely tried to
work out their problems before ending it, they shouldn't be critical.
Maybe your MIL is sincere about wanting to work things out, but isn't
responding the way you think she should? I don't know.
I hope things get better for all of you, but it sounds like a lot
of healing needs to take place. Demanding apologies probably
isn't the best way to approach things. Not that you may not
deserve one, but statements like that just tend to put people on the
defensive. I wish you all good luck.
RESPONSE: Jaded DIL, But Not Finished
Living
Posted: 7-NOV-01
Your MIL is a typical case, as she is doing what we
DIL's hate - interfering in our lives. Don't get into an argument
of words with her through this site. We are with you no matter
what. Keep posting as if she does not exist as a reader, and
maybe she will get the message to stay away and mind her own business.
|
|
Posted: 30-AUG-01
I met my MIL after a couple of months of dating DH.
My DH loved to talk about his mother. She was the best cook,
the most avid reader, said the most intelligent things, and knew him
better than anybody. She made all his clothes when he was little,
and baked everything from scratch. She used to hand paint china
plates, and everyone LOVED them (because they were the best).
She baked and sold cheesecakes for a living and everyone LOVED them
(because they were the best). DH's parents divorced a year before
I met DH, and were not on good terms. We were dropped off at
MIL's place. The door was locked, and she was nowhere to be
seen. We waited for an hour, then went to the rec room for another
two hours. We were all tired, hot, and cranky. DH had
spoken to her early in the morning (it was about 3pm at this point)
and she knew when we were coming. We decided to give it another
30 min, and then leave. She shows up about 15 min later, stinking
drunk. She was at her friend's place, and they lost track of
time. She completely blubbered over my DH and started crying.
She said how she was so happy to see her handsome "boy blue",
and immediately started complaining about how my FFIL didn't give
her money. My DH interrupted her tirade to introduce us, and
she shot me an evil look. She asked my DH what happened to his
ex-girlfriend. She told him how much she liked her, and how
pretty and smart she was. My DH said that he was not with her
anymore, and introduced me again. She called me by the ex's
name and did it for the rest of the visit. My DH got a debilitating
headache and confined himself to the couch for the rest of the evening.
So I was stuck with her, alone. It was as pleasant as eating
my own eyeballs. She wanted to go shoot pool at the rec room.
There was a bar there, and she told the bartender that her FDIL (no
talk of marriage yet and quite frankly I didn't know if I was going
to stay with him after meeting her) was going to buy her a drink.
The bartender told my FMIL that she could have one drink and then
she would be cut off. My FMIL started to make a scene, and the
bartender told her that she was not going to do this with her anymore,
and he would call the cops again. I'm thinking, "Again?"
That did the trick, and my FMIL buttoned up. We played a few
games of pool with two men that she knew. They were polite and
decent. She continuously told one of them to stop staring at
me, and that I was taken. She then loudly whispered a crude
remark about my breasts (she used a different word) to the other,
and started snickering. He told her to give me a break, and
she said that she knew why her son was attracted to me - and that
all men loved big huge breasts. I was embarrassed and in shock.
I put down my cue stick, paid the bill, and told the bartender good
night. My DH was asleep. I woke him up and told him that
I wanted to go home. I was hopelessly in love with my DH by
then, and let him talk me into staying. The next day, she asked
him if he could get in touch with his ex GF and get her address.
My FMIL wanted to write to her because they were such good friends.
My DH told her that he was not interested in his ex GF, and she could
look in the phone book. After hours of listening to her drone
on about my FFIL and how talented she was, my FFIL came to pick us
up. I would never go see her again without my car for a fast
getaway. I married my DH 5 years later. We knew we wanted
to marry after a year. I waited until he came to terms with
his mother and stood up to her for himself and me. She did not
come to the wedding. I can't stand the way she treats my DH
or me. She calls my DH, and we do a yearly short visit.
Each year the visits get shorter. My father tells me that under
no circumstance should I ever tell her off. So far so good,
but it gets harder each time I see her. I feel that my MIL and
my FIL are very inconsiderate to my DH. He rarely tells them
when they upset him anymore. He says it does no good with his
mother, and he feels badly about saying anything to his father.
My family is different. We talk, argue, and work things out
- or agree to disagree. Should I continue to pressure my DH
to stand up to his family, or be happy I live far away and suffer
through the yearly visits?
Signed - Still Suffering
After 8 Years
RESPONSE: Still Suffering After 8 Years
Posted: 19-SEP-01
It sounds to me like your DH is doing a good enough
job standing up to MIL. What a witch!! If push comes to
shove, let him do the yearly visit without you. That way you
don't even have to deal with her. You don't want to be the one
to make your husband choose between you and his mother. Sounds
to me like she's already doing that. Just be strong - you seem
to have things under control!!
RESPONSE: Still Suffering After 8 Years
Posted: 19-SEP-01
No, don't pressure your husband to do anything.
As long as he realizes how awful they are to the two of you, that's
what's important. Short visits are a good idea. Make them
shorter, and try to live your own lives. Although I have to
say that, when you began your story about how your husband couldn't
say enough wonderful things about his mom, you had me worried.
I would have gone running screaming if my husband had done this.
That, alone, is a sign of problems. She couldn't be nearly as
perfect as he claims. Don't pressure him. He may resent
you for it.
RESPONSE: Still Suffering After 8 Years
Posted: 19-SEP-01
Suffer silently. Wish I could be more supportive
(and you tell a GREAT MIL story - you're so smart for the way you're
handling things). They're ONLY ANNUAL VISITS. It's not
like they make you go to Branson, Mo., or learn a choreographed cheer
for an octogenarian relative, or make you attend monthly events in
a long, drawn-out dose of ever-lovin' In-Law. Your visits are
like the quick rip-off of the band-aid. Mine are like being
set-to with leeches. Count your blessings, and suck it up ONCE
A YEAR for your DH. He sounds like he's worth it.
RESPONSE: Still Suffering After 8 Years
Posted: 20-SEP-01
It's odd that your DH has all these wonderful recollections
of this woman when he was a small child. I wonder if she changed
after her marriage fell apart? Sometimes, people cannot handle
the marriage breakup, and they change, they become alcoholics, and
they aren't the same person they were when they were with their former
spouse. She does sound awful today though, and, like you, my
family is also the kind to get things out into the air. We work
out our differences, and no one in my family is the "Queen".
In my DH's family, the women, especially the grandmothers, are the
queens. They mustn't be upset by anyone - it's the unspoken
rules. The Queen on the other hand can do or say anything that
she'd like. And if something upsets her, even slightly, she
has no problem with throwing a childish tantrum. I think that
your DH needs to stand beside you. It's the only way that the
marriage can stay strong. Not that you shouldn't try and remain
pleasant as much as possible, but he should be the one standing up
to them. Otherwise, it will end up being you, and you will not
have his support right in front of them. That can, in effect,
cause a whole new realm of problems. Good Luck.
RESPONSE: Still Suffering After 8 Years
Posted: 23-SEP-01
Your father has given you some excellent advice!
Trying to pressure your husband to stand up to his family would be
a mistake. He'd only end up resenting you for it. Try,
instead, to take a more sympathetic, loving and patient approach with
him. Often, the children of unbalanced or horrible parents need
to try to see them in a much more positive light than others do, and
are very protective of them. If you criticize his mom openly,
he'll probably just defend her and get angry at you! Rather,
try instead to ask him questions about how her behavior makes him
feel. Or, just say that you understand he loves his mother,
but that perhaps some of her behaviors are inappropriate or unfair.
Above all, be gentle and PATIENT. Your husband is not going
to change overnight. But, given time, perhaps he will.
One thing I will add to this is that, while your husband may be willing
to put up with her abuse and tantrums, that doesn't mean you have
to! Set your own boundaries with her, and work with your husband
to set boundaries as a couple. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Still Suffering After 8 Years
Posted: 24-SEP-01
Hang in there, you are not alone! I sympathize
with you 100%. Your dad is right, it is best to tolerate your
MIL. Be polite, but distant. Let your husband know how
you feel. But let him know how important it is for you to be
peaceful and tolerant. With time, you and MIL will change.
She will shrink, and her vocal punches will have a lot less hot air
behind them.
RESPONSE: Still Suffering After 8 Years
Posted: 20-OCT-01
I don't agree with the respondent who told you to continue
suffering. Life is too short to suffer just to save the peace.
Take a stand for your dignity, and end your pain. You deserve
happiness.
RESPONSE: Still Suffering After 8 Years
Posted: 21-OCT-01
I sure enjoyed the response of the Sept. 19th poster!
Boy, do you have a way with words. Ever consider being a writer?
RESPONSE: Still Suffering After 8 Years
Posted: 7-NOV-01
I'm sorry to hear about your witch-in-law. You
should tell her where to stick her nasty comments about your body,
where she can go, and how to get there.
|
|
Posted: 30-OCT-01
I have a very nosy, interfering MIL who regularly nosed
through our private papers and bankbooks, etc., whenever she baby-sat
in our home. This bugged me so badly that I decided to "set
her up" and let her know that I was aware of her nosiness.
So, one evening, when she arrived to baby-sit, I wrote a short note
and placed it in my old bank book. The note was basically asking
her why she was nosing through our private documents, and that she
really should get out more and get herself a life. I also said
that I would know instantly if the bank book had been moved a centimeter.
Surely enough, the book had been moved, and I gave her my sweetest
smile as I thanked her and said goodnight. MIL could barely
look me in the eye, and, of course, couldn't say a word in her defense
without actually admitting that she had, in fact, been nosey.
I never asked her to sit again. And, I enjoyed the feeling of
satisfaction for many, many years. Very juvenile, but oh so
satisfying.
Signed - Very Juvenile,
But Oh So Satisfying
RESPONSE: Very Juvenile, But Oh So Satisfying
Posted: 31-OCT-01
Maybe that's why I'd rather eat my hat than leave my
MIL unsupervised in our house! The scary thing is, she somehow
has written access to DH's bank account (from before we were married).
And I don't entirely trust her not to take advantage of that and go
snooping!
RESPONSE: Very Juvenile, But Oh So Satisfying
Posted: 1-NOV-01
LOVE it!!!!!
RESPONSE: Very Juvenile, But Oh
So Satisfying
Posted: 1-NOV-01
That is wonderful!!!! I have thought about doing
something like that, because I know my FMIL snoops (I have seen her
do it). I thought about leaving a fake letter to a friend talking
about how we will be moving to the west coast (we live on the east
coast) in the next year. This letter would be put where I know
she snoops. She would have to read it and then know that we
would be "moving". She couldn't say anything about
it because then she would bust herself for snooping and this "information"
would drive her crazy!!! I love your idea, but I would get my
FDH's approval before I did it. Good thinking!
RESPONSE: Very Juvenile, But Oh
So Satisfying
Posted: 1-NOV-01
You're right, that was very juvenile. But it
was oh so satisfying just reading about it!! LOL, I love to
see the little battles being won in the ongoing war with the MIL!
Good for you! You sure taught that nosey-body a lesson!
The look on her face must have been priceless!!
RESPONSE: Very Juvenile, But Oh So Satisfying
Posted: 2-NOV-01
Way to go!!!!! That was very smooth, and you
definitely got your point across.
RESPONSE: Very Juvenile, But Oh
So Satisfying
Posted: 2-NOV-01
A trick I've tried sometimes is placing a strand or
two of hair across the cover of a book or on top of a file folder,
etc. The nosey reader will not notice the hair, but you will
surely notice if the hair has fallen off the book when you get back.
Then you'll know that you've had a nosey IL in the house!
RESPONSE: Very Juvenile, But Oh So Satisfying
Posted: 5-NOV-01
Hey, isn't it Ann Landers who suggests filling something
like your medicine chest with marbles so that when someone snoops,
well, it's obvious, eh? If it wasn't Ms. Landers, I apologize.
However, I do think it makes the point, and the snooping will stop.
Let's face it. No one should be getting into some of these places
- like a bank book or medicine chest. Cute idea.
RESPONSE: Very Juvenile, But Oh
So Satisfying
Posted: 5-NOV-01
To the DIL who responded 10/31, who said the MIL had
access to her DH's bank accounts from before they were married:
Please be careful. Can your MIL take money from the account?
The reason I ask is because of what happened to me. My husband
had checking and savings accounts that his mother's name was on due
to them being opened while he was a minor. He never took her
name off after we got married. When he died suddenly and unexpectedly,
MIL cleaned out the accounts, leaving me and my 2 month old baby with
nothing!!!!
RESPONSE: Very Juvenile, But Oh
So Satisfying
Posted: 5-NOV-01
Where did I hear a story of a family who knew their
relative always inspected their bathroom (looking in the cupboard,
shower, etc.?) when she was alone there, and they put up a big sign
inside the shower that said, "HI, AUNT BEA! DOES THIS PASS
THE TEST?", or something like that. Jeez, I hope I will
never lower myself to snoop in someone's stuff. Please shoot
me if I ever turn into someone like that!
|
|
Posted: 1-NOV-01
At first, my ILs seemed very supportive and real.
They stayed their distance and offered a lot of help. I fell
in love with them. As the years have gone by (12), I realized
that the plan is that, to remain in their good graces and remain their
friend, I have to admit that they are superior and I need to be their
audience. In other words, I have to admit that they are superior
to my own family, including my own children from a previous marriage,
and give time and devotion to them (and take a secondary position
to everyone in their family, and belittle my natural family).
If I disagree, they say we (my husband and I) are ostracizing ourselves,
and they act very upset. This seems very conceited to me.
If we do not agree that they are the "best", then we are
not invited to family functions, and my son misses out on family functions
on his father's side. They conveniently "forget" to
invite us, and they say that they did not do it on purpose.
This is very frustrating, and I do not know how to deal with it.
Help!!! I realize that I am still caught up in their original
snar of "niceness", but I cannot "give-up" my
family to remain in their good graces. How can I hold my self-respect
without reaping their rejection?
Signed - I Cannot Give-Up
My Family
RESPONSE: I Cannot Give-Up My Family
Posted: 5-NOV-01
Never disrespect your own family and self. You
come first. If you miss out on functions with them, then so
be it. You are probably better off for it. Take care of
yourself and your children. Loyalty is number one to success.
That's too bad that these people are so stuck on themselves.
I say that the next time you disagree, give them a good old fashion
argument. Passivity can be the same as saying yes. Show
them they are wrong. And if you fall out of good graces, well,
too bad. Never disrespect yourself for someone else.
RESPONSE: I Cannot Give-Up My Family
Posted: 5-NOV-01
You're doing great so far. The danger, I think,
would be to let them think they have the power to unfairly manipulate
you. I think people sense what is fair and what isn't.
They lose respect for you if they can get you to do things by emotional
blackmail. Your relationship, also, would go downhill.
One idea would be to start seeing them as little kids (irrational,
but cute) and don't take their disapproval seriously. Keep being
kind, as you have, but true to yourself and consistent. Do whatever
you have to do to keep liking them. By that I mean that if you
give in to their unfairness, you will grow to hate and resent them.
Sometimes NOT doing what someone else wants causes you to like them
a lot better than you would if they "won" and got you to
do things that went against your grain. They'd probably just
prefer that you loved them instead of doing whatever they wanted (deep
down).
|
|
Posted: 4-NOV-01
My MIL was troublesome about my daughter's wedding.
She didn't pay a cent towards the wedding, but thought certain things
should be done. For one, she bought my niece's bridal dress,
as her dad, my BIL, had just gotten divorced. When my daughter
was trying to pick out dresses, she told me about a dress she saw
on a clearance rack at a store that would make a great bridesmaid
dress for her granddaughter, even though there were 5 other bridesmaids
in the wedding. Of course, she complained about the dress my
daughter finally did pick out (and it was on the lower end price of
bridesmaid's dresses). She thought the pictures were too expensive.
She even thought that she, as a grandparent, was invited to the bridesmaid's
luncheon. Many bridesmaids luncheons don't even invite the grandmother.
She asked why her daughter wasn't invited also? A friend gave
the luncheon, and just said that the grandmothers could come.
I wasn't about to ask if an aunt could also be invited. She
also complained that her cousin wasn't invited to the party after
the rehearsal, where the plates were 50 dollar a piece! She
wasn't part of the wedding party. This MIL could well afford
a dress 3 to 4 times the price she paid for her other granddaughter's
bridesmaid dress, but she thought she could get one on a clearance
rack just for her granddaughter. And, it isn't because she is
old that she acts this way. During my entire married life,
she has always wanted things her way, and bosses her husband around.
She thinks everyone should do what she wants. She is spoiled
and contrary. She thinks she is smart, but she is really not
a very intelligent woman at all. She even thought I was cheap
and neglectful with my children when they were infants because I breast
fed them!! "Why don't you give them formula?" she
said, "That's better for them." I used to say nothing,
but lately, after years of this I have spoken up. She would
also buy things on sale for presents, and make sure the price was
off (and not want us to know where she bought it). If you asked
about where it came from to return it, she would just say, "Well,
you can't take it back anyhow. It was on sale." What's
wrong with it anyhow?
Signed - Tired Of Her Daughter
|
|
Posted: 31-OCT-01
OK, my MIL is getting on my nerves.
My DH has been working 12-16 hour days, 7 days a week, because we
need money ( I am unable to work right now). He wants to work
all the overtime he can so he can get a huge promotion. He has
been doing this for almost a month. He called his parent's house
a few days ago to talk to his dad, and his mom answered the phone.
She kept on going on and on and on about how it is so unfair that
she hasn't seen her granddaughter in a month (we used to bust our
butts to get over there about once or twice a week when we could).
She misses her so much, and she sits and tries to remember her granddaughter's
face. And, she dreams every night about how big she must be,
and what she is doing, blah, blah, blah. Now, I think it is
wonderful that MIL loves her granddaughter, but she was pulling this
guilt trip thing when my DD was 3 days old (our first day home).
Plus, MIL is in constant competition with my mom, because I see my
mom all the time. My FH was soooo mad that he finally told his
mom to "F" off, and that he is not going to bust his butt
to make her happy. He said that he has a new family now, and
that we are his first priority. Yeah, I have wanted to say that
to her for so long now. Sorry, I know it sounds horrible.
If you only knew what we have been through with her. Five years
of pure hell. I could seriously write hundreds of stories about
all the things she has done to us.
Signed - Finally A Breakthrough
RESPONSE: Finally A Breakthrough
Posted: 2-NOV-01
No, you DON'T sound horrible! Why can't these
MILs be supportive, instead of always squawking about what they want
from you and your family? I think she's incredibly unsupportive,
and it was nice of you to take the baby over so often when you could.
I hate to think of what my MIL would be like if we had a baby.
We finally got her to back off and be respectful, but I think we'd
lose all our ground if there was a baby in the picture. She'd
be all over us like a bad cold, wanting to see the baby constantly.
I don't think I could bear to take the baby to see her several times
a week. You're a good sport.
RESPONSE: Finally A Breakthrough
Posted: 2-NOV-01
Congratulations! You have a husband with a spine!
RESPONSE: Finally A Breakthrough
Posted: 4-NOV-01
I totally understand the frustration you feel about
your MIL who complains about not getting enough time with your DD.
I can't understand why some ILs don't realize that, after you start
your own life, your own little family becomes your first priority.
Our situation is about the same. My DH works 7 days a week,
plus overtime whenever he can, because we're saving up to buy a house.
He has to do as much work as he can now, before our baby arrives in
two months (when he'll want to spend time with the baby and me).
In the meantime, MIL wonders why she doesn't get enough visits from
her son (they live about 3 hours away). We don't even have a
day off together! My folks, who I'm very close to, live in another
country, and get a call from me once every two weeks. I also
email them whenever I can. It's not a whole lot, but they understand
that I'm busy with work, and that I give what I've got. I think
that MIL is afraid of losing her son. I'm sure she feels that,
since we got married, she's much lower now on his important list,
and will be bumped further after the birth of our baby. But,
the scrambling for attention and guilt-tripping are not solutions.
It's a pity your MIL had to learn it the hard way, but she has to
know that the world does not revolve around her.
|
|
Posted: 1-NOV-01
My husband and I have been together for seven years.
We lived together for three years before we were married. The
first time his mother came to visit when we were co-habitating, she
complained about several housekeeping items including, "Did we
not BELIEVE in Kleenex (since we only had TP and no boxed Kleenex)?
"Why did I buy new sheets for her son's bed? The answer
was because it was now OUR guest bed, and his sheets were old and
ugly. And, the worst comment, "I must work too hard, because
I never have time to clean." Apparently, my standard of
livable dirt is much higher than hers! The following Christmas,
I sent her a lovely selection of name brand scented soaps and candles.
She sent me a Toilet Brush Stand from a drugstore. This may
not be the worst gift on the forum, but it really had me po'd.
Pun intended.
Signed - Not the Best Housekeeper,
But I Do Love Her Son!
RESPONSE: Not the Best Housekeeper, But I Do Love Her
Son!
Posted: 4-NOV-01
Your MIL sounds horrible to be around. She shares
some of the same characteristics as my MIL. She snoops in my
house, and voices too many opinions. Getting a toilet brush
for Christmas is tacky. She was trying to send you a very rude
message, and Christmas is hardly the time to be mean and nasty.
Let your DH figure out what to buy her from now on. If yours
is like mine, he'll have no idea how to shop for a woman. Be
civil, but not overly nice. And, just try to focus on who is
in your house. When she comes over, just try to busy yourself,
and put the used grimy toilet brush beside her bed. You certainly
would want her to know that her wonderful gift was being used, wouldn't
you?
|
|
|
|
Working Women Don't Have Wives