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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 11/18/00
<--Previous Archive
Next Archive -->
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Last year in December
it was my mother-in-law's 70th birthday. All of her family said
they were having a party for her on the Sunday before her birthday.
I refused to go. For 21 years, the Sunday before her birthday
we always took her out. So, it was said we were allowed to take
her out on the next Thursday. Well, on her birthday at 10 am
she phoned me up and said, "Well, I guess we will be at your
house by 5:30 for supper. You can buy fast food chicken.
Oh yes, and BTW, there will also be 2 extra people for supper."
I said, "I thought we were taking you out in 2 nights."
She said, "No, I have decided to have my birthday supper tonight.
I know it will not be a problem." I said, "I
am sick today," (I have diabetes). She said, "Oh well."
So all showed up at 5 o'clock for supper. And I had to buy chicken
for supper.
11/11
signed - I bought the chicken
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I had a mil you would
not believe. She had money, so that made her lord and master.
Every other week she would take me out of the will & I would tell
her I can't miss anything I did not have before. She used to
tell me, "I can take your husband away from you at any time."
I said, "You'd be doing me a big favor if you did." ...
Because money was his whole thing, and that's where the money would
come from ... One day, my kids were older, and she was threatening
me again. I said, "Do me a favor, take your son.
But when I leave he will fall apart. Mark my words."
Sure enough, he got sick, and she went to my boys to try to blame
me. P.S. - there's a lot more to this story. But
here's how a Mil can be so vindictive towards one person. My
ex still calls me and sends me money and gift's. I have the
satisfaction of knowing that she would croak if she new her baby boy
was doing this ... One son moved clear across the country ... He only
keeps in touch for the money ... Well, anyway, the apple doesn't fall
from the tree. My own son's are waiting too. But she still
talks about me and keeps pictures of me ... I wish I could write the
whole story. Ladies, don't fall into traps ... Be your own person,
and if your husband can't see this, he's not all that good, unless
she is mentally ill, and that he does not know what's going on around
her. Lots of luck
11/11
signed - wish I could write the whole story
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Reading the stories on
this website has given me hope and insight, and the feeling of being
part of a huge network of frustrated wives. Here is my horror
story. Everything was fine between my MIL and I while my husband
and I were just dating. They are very different from my open
and honest family, but I figured that their rigidity was just because
they didn't know me very well. Wrong. Once my husband
and I were engaged, the stiffness only got worse. MIL never
asked about the wedding plans, never asked if I had bought my dress,
never showed ANY interest, it was as though she didn't want to acknowledge
it was happening. My husband and I arranged to have my mother
and her boyfriend, and MIL and FIL to meet at a restaurant.
FIL never showed, and MIL left at 9pm to fill a prescription for her
mother. A couple of weeks later I called her for her guest list,
and she told me that it wasn't convenient for her and FIL to come
(we moved the wedding out of town, to be married on the beach when
the church wedding plans fell through). MIL also said that no
one in my husband's family could come, it was too much trouble for
them, and the same for her friends. I pleaded with her, telling
her this was her only son, they should try their best to be there.
She became hysterical, and I tried to reason, explaining that I felt
we were getting off on the wrong foot, and we had a long time to be
together. She said, "We'll see about that." I was in shock,
and asked if she thought we would end in divorce, and she just snorted
and then hung up on me. Needless to say, things have been really
tense, and another attempt at introducing MIL to my father failed
when she walked out of the restaurant after he made a speech about
how happy he was about the wedding. No one from my husband's
family came to the wedding shower, and besides one family, we have
gotten no gifts from anyone.
There are so many things that almost ruined the wedding, SIL almost
didn't come, then decided to show up (she was in the wedding, but
I guess that doesn't matter much to her), MIL and FIL didn't say anything
to me the whole day, not "congratulations", not "we
are happy for you", not "go to hell", nothing.
Then, my husband's entire family that actually showed (MIL, FIL, SIL,
aunt & uncle), got up and left the reception halfway through,
telling everyone that SIL had to catch a plane home to let the family
dog out (it takes 5 adults to drive a car in that family, and a taxi
would have been too logical as an option). We hadn't cut the
cake, tossed bouquet, etc. My mother told MIL and SIL that they
were rude, and they acted surprised, as though it was normal to leave
the wedding to care for a damn dog). It's been two weeks since,
and things are just getting worse. My husband has said nothing
to anyone in his family about their behavior, and even though he is
angry, he is afraid of controlling MIL. Last night he said that
he had talked to the evil one, and she said that I was lying about
the phone conversation, and that we don't get along because I make
her uncomfortable. He said he might agree with that. A
two hour fight ensued, and I told him that, until he stands up to
her and defends me, I will not be around her, because I am tired of
being treated like crap.
I hope that some of you have suggestions, because honestly, I think
I have a mother in law that escaped from hell.
11/10
signed - MIL escaped from hell
RESPONSE: In response MIL escaped from hell.
I can really relate to you because 7.5 years ago my ILs pulled the
same stunt on me at our wedding. The problem started when my
DH and I had different ideas about what we wanted for the wedding.
He wanted to elope! I wish I had listened to him ... I wanted
a proper wedding, and with the best of intentions, I tried to plan
it with MIL. Well, my darling MIL wanted to have our wedding
in a small resort town. She said we could have our honeymoon
at this resort as well. She conveniently owns a home in this
town, and was planning to spend our honeymoon with us! I obviously
said, "no way". My DH was delighted to have our wedding in my
hometown. IL's attended the civil ceremony, but did not even
show up for the reception. We went on our honeymoon alone and
had a great time. Afterwards, my conflicts with MIL escalated,
and DH always sided with her. My only suggestion would be to
forget about the whole thing. I know you are very frustrated
and resent being treated like this by your IL's, but let it go.
Otherwise, you will never have peace. Ignore her! Don't
forget, you do not have to have a relationship with your MIL.
Avoid situations where you will get into conflicts. I am not
saying surrender, I am saying ignore. She does not have to be
part of your life. DH can visit her without you. When
you have children, do not include her in anything. Your DH will
not be able to stand up to her. My DH had told me once that
he would rather die than go against his mother! It took me 5.5
years of agony and frustration to finally find happiness. About
2 years ago I cut off all ties with my IL's. I have not spoken
to them or seen them since. My DH talks to them on the phone
regularly. It has been wonderful. I wish I had done it
earlier. You may not want to be so abrupt at the beginning of
your marriage, but the more you ignore them the better it will be.
Good luck. Signed - "same boat"
11/11
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This is the first time
I've seen this site. Boy, do I relate to some of the stories
I've just read. Hang in there. There is hope.
My DH was from another country, and his family arrived here in bits
and pieces after we were married. SIL was married to a guy with
lots of money and moved into a beautiful home with a swimming pool,
etc. We would visit them and their six children, and my DH just
loved those kids. He didn't make lots of bucks, but we always
brought something for them. One day, we got a phone call and
were invited out to their place, because DH's gramma was flying in
for a visit. It was a two hour bus ride for us across town,
and I was 7 months pregnant at the time, but it was his gramma, and
off we went. When we got there, everyone was dressed up to kill
(????) That's when we found out that we were the babysitters,
and off they went on the town. Not only that, when they got
home (DRUNK) we had a two hour bus ride to look forward to just to
get home. That's the first and last time they ever pulled that
on us. My DH was used to that treatment, but I wasn't, and when
gramma went home I let SIL know in no uncertain terms that it would
not happen again. I told her that I didn't know who she thought
she was, but that I knew exactly who I was, and that SUCKER was nowhere
in the description. She could either start treating her brother
(and, in extension, his family) properly or she would find out just
how grown up her brother now was. I have never mentioned this
incident to her, or the rest of the family, again. SIL has never
again treated her brother, or the rest of his chosen family, badly
since.
MIL was much worse, I'm afraid. When our second child was on
his way, she asked what names we had picked out. Upon hearing
the names we had decided on, she said if we named our child THAT she
would never speak to us again.
Here's the good part folks. Are you ready? My son turned
twenty this year and has never seen his gramma and she has never seen
him. She lives just two hours drive from us, and we have offered
to come out, (she was always busy, busy, busy and just didn't know
when she could have company). Not that we haven't invited her
over (at least through the first 10 years). My family lives
an eighteen hours drive from us, and we've seen them more often than
her. My kids haven't missed a thing, sweethearts. I know
this has hurt my DH, but he stands with HIS FAMILY. And that's
US.
The solution is simple. You give them the choice of treating
you properly, or living in the hell they make for themselves.
We've been married 30 years this year, and if she knocked on my door
I'd invite her in. But I'll bet you she won't give me an ultimatum.
11/10
signed - "Lived through it all"
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I have been married for
a little over a year to a guy who I have known for 11 years.
We dated for 10 years before we finally did it. The problem
isn't so much his mother, it is mine. But the day before the
wedding, his mother did call and leave a message saying she wouldn't
be at the rehearsal or wedding. With no explanation. This
was totally unexpected. She did show up to both, but gave us
a lot of heartache. Since this is supposed to be about mother
in laws, I guess I can write about my mother. After all, she
is a mother in law to my husband. From the day I told her we
were engaged, she took over. She wanted to make my cake.
I told her from the beginning that I didn't want her to. That
she could help in other ways. We were paying for everything.
She never made a cake for more than 10 people, didn't have the right
storage (she'd have to freeze the layers), a small car for transportation,
and lived 1 hour away. I wanted a fresh cake with many layers
and didn't want to have to worry about how she'd get it there.
She always had to have her way, no matter what, and if I let her get
her get way now it wouldn't end there. This was supposed to
be MY DAY! Tried to offer other things for her to help out in
- ex: flowers (fake), gown looking, so on. It ended up being
cake, or nothing. She came into my work one day and said she
wasn't coming, and not to bother calling her. I had 2 years
to go before the date, and I wasn't giving in. After a couple
of weeks she said we could talk, but not about the wedding.
What am I suppose to say to her? The one thing that is going
on in my life I couldn't talk to her about. It put a huge wall
between us. I did everything without her - got my gown, flowers,
everything. It totally drove me crazy. Finally, 6 months
before the date, I asked her 1 last time if she was coming.
This was going to be the very last time. Hadn't mentioned anything
about it for 1 1/2 years, and I needed to know for the caterer's count.
She still couldn't give me an answer. Finally, got her to say
yes.
11/10
signed - Finally, got her to say yes.
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My husband is a pilot.
My MIL hates to fly. When we flew to their town in a small plane,
my husband decided to give her a ride. She was terrified and
refused to go. The plane held just enough passengers so that
I could ride also (I love to fly). When the doors were closing,
she stopped us to tell me to get out and let her in, because if the
plane goes down all the people she loves will be in it and she wants
to go with them. I guess you know where that leaves me!!
I used to send cards to everyone for every occasion. I never
received one in return, so now I don't send any. Now I get a
birthday card in the same envelope as my husband's, with a check made
out to him with both our names in the memo line (our b'day's are 1
week apart). The card is usually the type that you get in a
box full of cards for all occasions, totally impersonal.
11/10
signed - Unloved and unappreciated DIL
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I used to like my MIL until
we moved within driving distance. At the time I was pregnant,
and I never did anything right. I only gained 20lbs. and gave
birth to a 9-1/2 lb. baby, so I had trouble doing things like tying
my shoes. While tying my shoes one day I was out of breath from
bending with a 9 lb baby still inside. When I sat up, she looked
at me like I was crazy and said, "I was never out of breath when I
was pregnant!" (Her kids were less than 7 lbs.). When I went
in to have the baby, I didn't want my husband to call her. I
knew she would demand my husband's time, and I wanted him with me.
He called her anyway, and when she got to the hospital he told her
that I didn't want her in the labor room with me. She pushed
her way in anyway saying, "I was so glad that my MIL was in the room
with me." I took one look at her then turned over, closed my
eyes and ignored her. She did get the hint.
She had quit smoking, and chewed gum with a fervor I've never seen
before. While holding one of my kids when they were babies,
she bit them when they accidentally got their fingers in her mouth
like babies do. She was always threatening to cut their hair
when she didn't like it. The kids never stayed at her house.
I was too afraid of what she would do while they were there.
We did move away and live in a state that gets a lot more snow than
hers. She came up for the holiday's one year. It snowed
some, and we went out in the 4-wheel drive. The roads weren't
so bad so my husband didn't put it into 4-wheel. When she found
out, she called him a "butt" in front of my kids!
The topper was when she came up with her kids one year. We'd
been out shopping, and my 16-year old BIL saw a stereo that he wanted
for his car. His mom didn't have the money, and told him no.
He said he was going for a ride and left the house. Later, my
mother called and said that he was at her house trying to borrow the
money from her!! I told her to send him packing, told my husband,
and he talked to his mother. They never apologized to us, and
the next day the boy's dad (not the same father as Husband) came in
and bought him the stereo. I've never had any respect for them
since, and I'm still not sure it wasn't my MIL's idea to ask for the
money!
I've come to see that she is a very self-centered person and is not
interested in anything or anyone that doesn't help her. She
found out that a schoolmate of hers lived in the same town as we do,
and we had to go visit, not because she wanted to see them, but because
they were well off!!!
I'm just thankful that my husband's parents split when he was little.
His step mom is a wonderful lady. He spent most of his formative
years with them, for which I'm thankful. MIL thinks she raised
him, but he is completely different from her and her other kids.
11/10
signed - MIL thinks she raised him
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Just a few days before
Halloween my MIL came over to bring some treats for my son (she said
she would be "unavailable" for us to see her Halloween night).
However, my son was in trouble and my wife didn't want him to have
treats right now. She got angry and stormed out of the house,
smashing the bag of treats and leaving a trail of mashed candy and
juice boxes through our apartments to where she had parked.
My son has gotten used to it. Too bad I haven't.
How much do hit men cost?
11/10
signed - my son has gotten used to it
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My husband and I are currently
stationed in South Korea. Our only visitors have been my husband's
parents. My own parents were quite jealous that they were unable
to afford the trip. So, I sent them the following e-mail to
show them what they missed out on ...
Hi, Mom and Dad! We finally took the In-Laws to the airport.
I have had a very stressful two weeks to say the least )-:
A SUMMARY FOR YOU, TO ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE YOU WERE HERE TOO:
(A dosage of Mom-In-Law's most popular quotes,)
"My God!!!! Korea looks just like Louisiana ..."
"Put the window up - ow my contacts )-: "
"Look what J. just bought me ..."
"Oh, this damn water retention - my feet blow up like an elephant's
..."
"Did you see the new setting on my gorgeous opal and diamond ring
yet?"
"Are we in North Korea or South Korea?"
"When we lived in Louisiana ..."
"My feet hurt ..."
"I swear - are we in Louisiana?"
"We met this man on the plane, and he told us that ..."
"Now, Seoul is in North Korea, right?"
"(friends in Louisiana ...) said that ..."
"Oh, my toe hurts ..."
"Look at my beautiful gold chain with the onyx and diamonds ..."
"It's so lush here - just like Louisiana!!?"
"Where is that COUNTRY - BEIJING?"
"How do you like these sapphire earrings and necklace and bracelet
that J. bought me for the Hell of it?"
"We met this woman in the airport, and her husband's boss's mailman's
daughter's husband's dog's vet's ... etc. ..."
"OH, my feet - I need to sit down."
"(friends in Louisiana ...) once said ..."
"Where are we, again?"
"Well, you know my first three husbands were alcoholics ..."
"Let me show you the emeralds that J. bought me for Christmas ..."
"When we lived in BF EGYPT!!!!!!!!!!"
"He would drink a beer every day, if that doesn't make him an
alcoholic, then I don't know what does!"
"My head hurts ..."
"Have you seen the rubies that J. bought me for our anniversary?"
"I know you just told me, but are we in North Korea, or South Korea?
And, where is Seoul?"
"My feet are killing me - have I told you about my vasculitis?
Well - it all started ..."
"Did I show you the diamonds that J. bought me for my birthday last
year?"
"We were thinking of going to either Bangkok, or Thailand?!?!?!?"
"My vasculitis is acting up ..."
REPEAT THIS OVER EVERY SECOND OF EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY FOR TWO
WEEKS, ADDING MANY MANY MORE STUPID, POINTLESS, RIDICULOUS COMMENTS,
AND YOU SHOULD AT LEAST GET AN IDEA OF WHAT "HER" VISIT WAS LIKE FOR
ME.
11/10
signed - broken record
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Note: This story,
moved here (in its entirety) from 10/14/00 Archive due to receipt
of new response.
A while back I wrote a story about my MIL, and of taking her in after
surgery. You can read all about it from this link (click here).
It's the last story on the page.
Anyway, she recently took a fall while she was walking down our street
with a friend. It happened when she bent over to get a rock
to throw at a dog. Mean. Well, the friend came and got
me and I called 911 for the ambulance. She had a big knot on
her forehead and her knee looked really weird, but she was sitting
up and said she thought she was alright. I picked up her son
(my husband) and we went to the emergency room. We find out
her kneecap is broken. I told her that it was really weird,
but that I had a dream the night before that the ambulance had come
to her house (I really did), but when I went to see what had happened
(in the dream) I saw that she was OK. I should have known better
than to tell her this, but she thought about it for a few seconds
and said, "Maybe you witched this on me". Real nice. She
had surgery on the knee and was assigned to a room. Well, she
hasn't changed from the last time. (A bad case of Deja Vu for me.)
One day when the nurse brought her pills she said she didn't think
they were the right ones. The good nurse went back and checked
with the pharmacy, and then came back and kindly explained that they
were, indeed, the correct pills. MIL snarls, "Well, if
I get sick you'll hear about it." After 3 days she transferred
to a nursing home for extended care and physical therapy. The
first day she says to my husband (in her most phony voice), "Well,
I'm so depressed. I'll probably just cry myself to sleep tonight."
I couldn't take that. I told her not to talk to him like that
after all he's done for her, to lay off the guilt trip. She
did. My position on helping with her is that I would try to
do what is right. I had brought her some clothes to wear, and
a list of other items, and sat there and marked all of them with a
permanent marker. Rather than thank you, she says, "Didn't
you find that nightgown I wanted?" The next day I find
and iron the night gown. When I bring it in she says ... Hello?
NO. Thank you? NO. She says, "There's
a pair of pants in my closet that are not marked." Here
are a few of her complaints about the care (all lies) 1. "The
nurse slammed the door on purpose and caused my clock to fall and
break." 2. "They left the fan on me all night and
I woke up with a cold." 3. "The physical therapist
caused me to sprain my foot." I told her she probably made
them mad. I told her, "I guess they're just trying to kill
you in here." That wasn't too nice. OK. The
next day I go in with her clean laundry. My husband is there.
She doesn't even look up. So I just say, "You're welcome.
If there is anything you need, let me know." She says (in
a very pouty voice), "I told HIM (my husband) what I want."
I think that should be enough to give you the idea of how things are
with her. She is still in the care facility, and will be for
a few more weeks. She should be able to get around by herself
when she gets out. We plan to hire some help for her.
It will be hard to get someone to put up with her, and I know my husband
will still have to go down there every day for some silly reason.
She does not want to be independent. She pretends to be helpless
and wants to be waited on. At least he has said he doesn't want
her to stay with us. I have told him that I feel bad about it,
but honestly I could not do it. More and more people around
her are beginning to see the truth, and what I put up with, even my
husband (but he still gets mad at me). This whole thing is very
upsetting to me. I need help in developing a better attitude,
and some way of dealing with my feelings of hurt and anger.
This website is about the only place where there are people who really
understand and won't think that I'm just being mean to an old crippled
lady. Thanks.
10/7
signed - Need Help Developing Better Attitude
RESPONSE: In response to "Need Help Developing Better
Attitude"
I feel really bad for you. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare.
I don't have any good advice, since mine's just as bad. Luckily,
my DH dislikes her as much as I do, and we never see them. I
just wrote to say you should be a writer, your story had me in stitches.
It was one of the best I've read on the subject, thanks for making
my day. Also, I apologize to you if my response is not what
you were looking for. I have no solution for mean, possessive,
awful MIL's. Keep your chin up, and try to tell your DH that
you're not accepting this sort of thing anymore. Life's too
short.
11/10
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On the day of our wedding,
my husband-to-be and I were busy preparing. While getting dressed,
he received a phone call from his mother saying that she was not going
to attend the wedding because she was against it. He said it
was her loss, not his. Two and a half years and one child later,
she still treats me like an outsider. She even treats our son
horribly. She buys things for the other grandchild, but not
too much for ours.
11/10
signed - last minute surprise
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 Well, the wedding is over, and it's official
- I have a *gulp* mother-in-law. I've been writing here for
quite a while, though, because I've been encountering MIL-type behavior
for quite some time. And now that we are married and we are
beginning our life, and someday our own family, I realize that, while
I'm certainly not the "best-friend" daughter in law, I'm
not all that bad. I see her other son's fiancée kissing her
butt and sucking up, and I refuse to do it. I want to establish
that we will run our home and our family as we see fit, and we will
not be ordered around (she's very demanding with her children, who
are actually no longer children, as they are all over 21). Whether
they pay attention to her behavior or not (my husband usually doesn't)
she feels that it's ok to tell them what to do. When she doesn't
get her way, she tries to play martyr (she did this to us 4 days before
our wedding, and I've never been more furious at her in my life -
story to follow ...) hoping all will feel sorry for her.
Most of the time my husband understands how her behavior makes me
feel, but often he gets angry at me for letting it get to me the way
it does. I have tried, over and over, to explain why I get angry,
but I don't believe he gets it - or possibly he's tired of hearing
it ... but either way ... I get angry at her behavior, not because
of the specific things she does (ok, they are part of it) but because
she has so little respect for her son (and for that fact, that her
son has a wife ...) that she feels that it's ok to treat him/us that
way.
I've told my husband that I feel like she doesn't like me, although
I can't imagine why - I haven't done anything (that I know of) to
give her reason to be upset with me. He says that the only reason
he can see for the way she acts sometimes is that I am not someone
that can be controlled by her (she does tend to be very controlling,
and she likes to tell people that they "have to" do this
or that). If that makes me a bad daughter in law, then that
is just going to be the way it is, because my husband and I are a
team - a team of two - and we're capable of running our lives and
handling our home, and I for one, do not appreciate the kind of interference
that I've been encountering so far. She once went so far as
to tell me that we (meaning my husband and I) cannot ever move out
of state, that we need to stay here (because several other people
in her family have already moved out of state, and another one is
going to be leaving at some point ...).
The "story" that I referred to above is about what she she
to us 4 days before our wedding. My husband asked her if she'd
be able to control her behavior at the rehearsal dinner. She
got angry at him for thinking that she would start something (she's
incredibly bitter over the divorce, and she can't stand my FIL's wife).
What she doesn't know, though, is that I told FIL's wife the same
thing - that we did not want anything started, etc. She assumed
my husband was accusing her, and got defensive and angry. Truth
be told, DH and I both felt that if there was going to be anything
"out of the way" said by anyone, it would be her, because
she's recently been angry at my FIL for other things, and she's also
still very angry about the divorce, etc.
So she got on the phone with her brother (DH's uncle) the next day
and put her colorful spin on the situation. The uncle then called
our home and actually yelled at my husband about how bad he treated
his mother. He told DH that (our wedding day) was the "most
important day of her life" and that he better get his ass over
to her house and tell her that he's sorry and that she's the most
important woman in his life. ((this also tells me that his uncle
likes me about as much as his mother does)) My DH was so unbelievably
angry after that, he was about to get in the car (it was 10:30 pm)
and go to his mother's house and raise hell with her. She might
have just an ounce more respect for me if she knew that I stopped
him from doing this. If I thought it would have done any good,
I would have said "Fine, let's go." But I knew it was pointless
with her, so I advised him to give it up. He had told his uncle
that he would straighten it out with her. The uncle called the
next night when DH was out and told me to, "tell him to make sure
he calls his mother" as if the original argument was any of his business
anyway.
I can't stand it that MIL (and now her family) feels that it's ok
to just butt in like that. We're adults, and we make the choices
that are best for us - anytime they don't agree, it's like we're stupid
and we're not doing the right thing, and they like to tell us so.
At our wedding rehearsal two days later, after uncle inserted himself
and made the problem worse than it was to begin with, she told my
husband that he hurt her and made her feel bad - as I said earlier,
playing martyr during our special time to get attention. She
hasn't been too terribly friendly since then. We just got back
from a week's vacation, and I expected her to be calling him the day
we got home, or at least the following day. She called him at
work instead - I find it odd because she's never minded calling our
home before. I thought for sure she'd want to talk to him right
away and find out how our trip was, etc. But she called his
work instead (where there'd be no chance of me answering the phone,
I assume). I don't know if she's angry with me over this whole
thing, but if she is, I can't imagine why, because I stayed out of
it. My DH knows how furious I was at her and her brother for
pulling this crap on us during what was supposed to be the happiest
time of our lives, but I never expressed it to them - I was letting
DH handle it.
I've read so many stories here about the "martyr MIL's", and
most of them are far worse than mine. I'm thankful that it hasn't
reached the boiling point (yet). It almost did the week of our
wedding - I can't remember the last time I was that angry, and I am
going to be on guard for this rotten behavior for quite some time
to come. I'm not going to let anyone on this planet, not his
family, my family, or anyone else, get away with that kind of interference
and disrespect towards DH, myself, or our own future family - and
if they don't like it, they simply won't be an active part of our
lives. I'm sure that's easier said than done, but if pushed
that far, that's the way it will be.
I think that we daughters-in-law (and sons-in-law, not to leave the
men out, because many of them have it just as bad) put up with too
much so as not to cause problems for our husbands, but we need to
remember that while our DH's are #1 in our lives, we are #1 in theirs
also, and we can't sit back and let that be taken from us. I
don't want to sound like we should "battle" for the number
one spot - it's not a matter of who they love more, wife or mother,
because that's not the way it goes. It's just that, once a man
has a wife (or a woman has a husband - once again, not to leave the
men out), the mother takes on a different role than she has always
played. She takes a second seat - to put it bluntly, but that's
not to say her son or daughter doesn't love her as he/she always has,
it's just that he/she now has his/her own life, and family.
I think many moms just can't deal with that.
I'm thankful that my mother has been wonderful to my DH, and she treats
both he and my sister's husband as if they've always been part of
our family, not as this new intruder that she is forced to deal with.
That is the feeling I sometimes get from my MIL - not always, and
not even most of the time, but there are times ...
That is my insight into the whole "MIL situation". Please feel
free to respond or to add your own thoughts/comments. Thanks
for letting me get my little editorial off of my chest!! ;)
11/10
signed - insights into MIL situation
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Note: This story,
moved here from 6/3/00 Archives due to receipt of new response.
I am hoping to get some feedback on this story, maybe from some mother
in laws that read this site, or at least DILs. I am recently
married, only about 6 months. I do not have many problems with
my mother in law, but there are definitely some tensions. I
try very hard to be nice to her, even though sometimes I feel she
holds on to her son (my husband) too hard. My question is this,
"Why is it so hard for mothers to let go of their sons, or at least
to see them as married adults who have wives?" My mother in
law will kiss my husband every time she sees him, and hug him like
she hasn't seen him in weeks (she sees him 2-4 times a week).
She also says things all the time like, "How is my baby boy?"
It is freaky sometimes. The pictures from our wedding freak
us out. There are pictures of her dancing with him, and the
expression on her face is more like a girl who has finally landed
the hunk of her dreams. Maybe I will understand more when I
have children of my own. But, I thought that what every parent
(including mothers) wanted was for their children to be happy, and
to grow up, get married and have their own life. Has anyone
heard of the Oedipus complex?
signed - Why So Hard To Let Go?
RESPONSE: re: WHY SO HARD TO LET GO:
You are right. You have to be a mother to understand.
Mothers DO want all that stuff for their children ... People just
tend to forget that when it comes to losing or changing the status
quo. No one likes change, and the heart is not something that
is logical. Hopefully, this is just an adjustment time for the
MIL. Keep being respectful & she will see that you are a
wonderful addition to the family. She will be glad that her
son has chosen someone so special as to give her a second and third
chance. Keep your chin up.
RESPONSE: In response to "Why so hard to let go"
...
I wish I had the answer to that! My MIL is the same way - I
don't have serious problems with her, but there is a lot of tension!
It really aggravates me that she acts this way. She won't let
ANY of her kids go - she insists on doing things for them that they
can and should be doing for themselves. When my BIL and SIL
lived at home, she did their laundry and cleaned up after them, and
cooked for them, and they wanted it that way because they were used
to being babied. My husband is the independent one. He
doesn't let her get away with that. When he lived there, he
did his own laundry, etc. Even though they all have moved out
and moved on, she still tries to get into their lives and be "mommy".
I refuse to let this happen, now that her "baby boy" lives with me.
I have a serious problem with anyone getting into the business of
my household, and I don't care WHO it is - mother, father, MIL, whatever.
She actually gives us food every time we visit her house - like I
don't shop for him or something. Every time we go over there
it's, "Here, take this home," and, "Here, take that
home." She used to call us at ridiculous hours of the night.
I finally made a few "general" comments about how I don't like people
calling us at those hours, and I finally said "in general" that we
weren't going to even pick up the phone after 10 pm. She hasn't
done it since. My husband was raised in her house, where it's
OK if people call at 11:30 at night. So she thinks it's ok to
do it too. Well, not in my house it isn't. She can be
a real test of patience. She likes to remind me every so often
that I'm not family. Not "real" family, anyway. My husband
keeps telling me to remember all this "mother/son" stuff in case we
ever have a son. I, personally, am not amused. I really
hope I never become one of those!
RESPONSE: RE: Why So Hard To Let Go?
I can totally sympathize. I have been married for almost two
years. I don't understand why it is so different with mothers
and sons versus mothers and daughters. I really wish a mil would
respond to give us a little insight into this mystery.
RESPONSE: Re: Why so hard to let go?
What exactly do you want your mother-in-law to let go of? So,
she is overjoyed when her son shows up and isn't afraid of showing
it. So, she enjoyed dancing with him? Did you stop to
think that perhaps her facial expression when she was dancing was
perfectly normal .... and you're reacting irrationally? So far,
I haven't read anything that suggested your mil had difficulty letting
go.
I would ask the opposite question. Why are you so jealous of
the fact that his mother wishes to retain a relationship with him?
You may have married him, but it doesn't mean he has to turn his back
on his mother.
RESPONSE: This is in response to why so hard to let go:
I am a mother of a beautiful young girl, and have been a DIL for 7
years. What I have noticed is the need for my MIL to cling on
to her son as a guarantee of male support for the future. She
does not do this to her daughter. I don't think us women who
do not have male children will ever comprehend this behavior fully.
RESPONSE: Response to "Why So Hard to Let Go:"
Heard of the Oedipus complex? Oh, honey, would you believe my
MIL just accused my hubby of having one??? After she made some
inappropriate comments about her own sex life, which hubby and I both
agree is NOT a subject a mother should bring up to a son at ANY age,
my hubby told her he did NOT like discussing such topics with her.
Infuriated by being told she had behaved inappropriately, she retaliated
by calling him at work to suggest that he may have Oedipal feelings
towards her, and that he should discuss them with a therapist!
Can you think of anything that would make a man go limp faster than
to have his own mother suggest he was sexually attracted to her???
I am aghast at how viciously destructive she can be, even to her own
flesh and blood . . . and of course, she is always very careful to
make it sound like she is "only trying to be helpful . . ."
5/29
RESPONSE: "Why So Hard to Let Go?"
I am a DIL to a woman who had four sons, and we have been married
5 years, and it has not gotten better. In fact, it has gotten
worse. I could not believe when you said about the dreamy-look
because that is my MIL on our wedding video to a tee!! After
we were pronounced man and wife and proceeded to walk down the a isle,
she held out her arms (all immortalized on video!) and wanted to hug
him, he brushed her off nicely, and to this day we hear how my husband,
"changed the minute he married that woman" (that's me!!). We
are now expecting our first child, and I expect some challenges ahead.
Sorry, I have no encouragement or advice. I would love to say
it gets better, but as long as your husband can see what is going
on, and do not EVER fight about the woman, it will be alright.
I look at it as, she is jealous because she no longer "has" him and
is no longer needed. When she found out I was pregnant she undoubtedly
said, "You're sleeping with him, too!!!" Hee Hee
11/10
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My MIL ruined both her
daughter's and son's weddings. SIL never married her 10 year
boyfriend because MIL would not attend. When DH and I tried
to plan our wedding, she started the same behavior. When MIL
couldn't set the date, she declared that she wasn't coming.
After she screamed, and screamed all sorts of nasty things about DH
and myself, she hung up. We have not spoken to her since.
It will be a year in December.
We got married, without DH's family. They were not there, nor
invited. FIL and SIL still try to convince DH to reconsider
and apologize to MIL, "make it right for mom". It's enough to
make me sick. After all she has pulled, they are still taking
her orders. FIL and SIL are to have nothing to do with either
of us.
I realize it is their loss, but the holidays are still hard.
We enjoy the silence, but it is still hard for DH not to have his
family around. We have offered to go to family therapy, but
of course MIL is perfect. Is there anyone out there who had
a long period of silence and was able to work things out?
I should have known when I first was invited to their house.
The table was set, four places-MIL, FIL, DH, SIL. And what about
me and SIL's fiancee? I guess there was a table set for four,
never room for any more.
11/9
signed - table set for four
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You'll all LOVE this one:
A few years ago, when my son was 9, he had plans to go to the opening
of the new Star Trek movie, and was looking forward to it for months
ahead of time. My MIL & SIL told him they would take him.
The day of the event came, and they stopped by (while my son was still
in school), and told me they couldn't go, because my MIL had mistakenly
put ear wax remover in my SIL's eye, instead of the medication for
her pink eye!!!, and they had just come from the E.R. (Why a normal
28 yr. old can't put her own eye drops in is a whole other story!!)
Anyway, when I went to pick up my son from school later in the day,
I told him that Grammie couldn't take him, and why, & he started
to cry. I told him that she said she would take him on Sunday
to see the movie, but he flipped out saying NO! It had to be tonight,
the opening festivities!! I understood where he was coming from,
& that he had looked forward to it for so long. When we
got home & my husband heard the story, he too felt bad for our
son, and decided to take him. They left for the show.
The next thing I know, my MIL is on the phone wanting to apologize
to our son for not being able to take him. When I told her that
her son had taken him ... she flipped out saying, "I told you I would
take him Sunday!! I WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO TAKE HIM!!" She
obviously just wanted to take him so she would be the star in his
eyes. (My husband & my thoughts at the time were: who cares
who takes him? as long as he gets to go on the day he wants to???)
Then, she hung up on me!!!! (MIL had a major temper tantrum)
I called back immediately, and asked why she hung up on me, and she
totally went off the deep end, changed the subject & said, "I've
always known what you thought of us!!" I was, like, what the
hell is she talking about? Anyway, things got more ugly, &
this time I hung up on her, saying that I'd had enough of this nonsense
for the past 10 years from her.
11/9
signed - MIL Hang Ups
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With Thanksgiving a few
weeks away, I thought I would share what is likely to happen to me
when my MIL calls.
The night before Thanksgiving, MIL will call and ask if there is anything
she can bring to dinner. I will tell her that everything is
taken care of, since it is only a matter of hours until the turkey
goes into the oven. She will insist on bringing something, and
will tell me to choose something, as she says she refuses to come
over empty handed, and offers wine, desert or flowers, etc.
In the past, some of our conversations have sounded like this:
Me: Ok, bring cookies.
MIL: I don't bake well, or, I have no flour, or, my arthritis
is acting up, or, my oven isn't working well, or, I can't find my
cookie sheets. I will buy some cookies. I hope I can find
a good bakery open now. Do you want me to get an assortment?
All one type? Chocolate? Nuts? Large? Small?
Iced? Festive? Plain? A small box (you want to have
enough for everyone) or a large box (you don't want too many leftovers,
do you dear?)?
Me: ok, bring wine.
MIL: I don't drink. I don't know where the liquor store
is and FIL is busy. What time do liquor stores close in this
state? If he can go, how many bottles do you want (enough so
I don't notice she is in the room)? Do you want red? White?
Blush? Sparkling? Domestic? Imported? desert wine?
dinner wine? Should she get champagne or after dinner liquors
too (or instead)? Should we have wine at all?
Me: Ok, bring a centerpiece.
MIL: Large? Small? Silk flowers? dried flowers?
What color scheme? Candles? How will she transport it
without damaging it? She hopes that there is a florist open
at this hour. She hopes no one is allergic to it. Will
the dog eat it and get sick? Do I want something with pine cones
that can be used for the holidays too?
Usually, she insists that I get very specific and tell her exactly
what to buy. I am usually just trying to get off the phone and give
her some bogus thing to bring since she has the nerve to wait until
the last minute to ask how she can help. I feel that she doesn't want
to help at all and just doesn't want to look bad. She always says
she meant to call but just didn't get around to it 'til now.
11/7
signed - When MIL Calls
RESPONSE: When MIL calls:
Sounds like she's at a loss for conversation and wants to show you
she cares about details. She sounds excited to come and visit,
and a worry wart too. I have a mil that curses, says she never
wants to see my face again, makes phony phone calls involving my deceased
mother in them. How's that for when MIL calls. Just tell
her not to worry so much about details if it makes you feel stressed.
If she can accept that. Mine couldn't accept anything.
I tried to tell her diplomatically. She is obsessed with harassing
me to see her grandson every week. Her son calls her nasty,
and the devil, and this is supposed to be OK for me and my baby?
11/9
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I am so sick of my MIL.
I've known her for almost 10 years, and she still cannot get over
the fact that I am foreign-born. She cannot talk to me like
she talks to her other DIL's. She either has to "teach me the
American way" or discuss the cultures of my native country so she
can show off she is a worldly, cultured person. I cannot stand
another Thanksgiving dinner during which she asks me, "Do you have
a holiday like this back home?", which she has done in the last 8
years I lived here. Or, another holiday gift which is supposed
to introduce me to things "American", such as CDs of Copeland or Gershwin,
and cookbooks with titles like "Great American Cooking". I have
been living and working here for 9 years, reading the same newspaper
and watching the same news show she does. Yet she doesn't stop
treating me like a high school foreign exchange student who got here
two months ago.
We were talking about a young woman from my native country whom my
ILs hosted as an exchange student a few years ago. She is having
difficulties coming up with a good job back home, because of an unhealthy
economy and a lack of qualification on her part. My MIL's solution
to this problem? "She should marry an American man like you
did!" Oh, now I understand, she thinks I married her son for
a Green Card!
11/7
signed - Green Card
RESPONSE: Dear 'Green Card'
I fully understand where you are coming from, since I am also foreign
born. I have been in the US since 1986, and partially raised
my son, from a previous marriage, as a single parent in this country
without having to resort to welfare. I "caught up"
on education because I wasn't given any credit for anything that I
did in my native country ... I had to start completely over with a
GED, and went to college. In other words, I have worked very,
very hard to become properly integrated. I had to attend citizenship
classes, and probably know more about the structure of this country
than many "natives" J, yet
my MIL tends to treat me, also, as if I were somewhat retarded.
You know, it always tickles me when I meet people who have never been
to my country but seem to know more about it than I do. I cannot
shake this feeling, but I am almost convinced that my in-laws think
that I am some spy or crook. I cannot cope with their nervousness
around me any longer when it comes to money issues. MIL told
me that DH is naive, and she was practically pleading with me not
to con him. I am very defensive at this point. Hey, what
about me???? Like, getting married to him wasn't risky for me?
Here I am, female w/child. What if he turns around on me?
But she never looks at it that way. This might be the most sophisticated
country in the world when it comes to women's rights, but the truth
is that even women in the US still, very much, live in a man's world.
On her last visit, she once again asked me if I would consider moving
back to my native country. We've been married for 6 years.
DH finally set it straight, and told her to stop asking me that, it
wouldn't be practical since I was married to him. He is currently
the major breadwinner in our family, and I am following him wherever
he needs to go (he is in the military, planning to stay until retirement.
Anybody who knows about the military lifestyle knows the sacrifices
of the spouses and children) We had a military wedding at the
post chapel.
I almost feel sorry for them since they live such a narrow life, they
only know their teeny, tiny little world which they rarely leave.
DH escaped from their redneck mentality by joining the Army, and they'd
rather lose their son than accept that this is the way it is.
We will stay together until death do us apart, meaning we will grow
very old and crusty together, and not what MIL fears - that I will
kill him, LOL. She actually gave me an example about how one
woman, who endured a similar lifestyle to mine, killed her husband
because she couldn't cope with the frequent separations from her husband.
She always does this about everything, giving some grim example.
I am tired of them doing this to me, and we don't visit w/ them too
often because of the great distance. I am sorry if I got longwinded
on this subject, but I just want to let you know that you are not
alone.
11/9
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I've been visiting this
page almost daily for several months now. Knowing that other
people out there are experiencing the same turmoil that I am somehow
makes it easier. I also have a problem with my in-laws, and
I have to tell myself on a daily basis that I am in control of my
own life, and that I need to just have patience and self control when
it comes to them. They loved me until we announced the engagement,
and since then I haven't been able to do anything right when it comes
to them. For instance, during my wedding planning last winter
and spring, my MIL announced that her grandsons (co-ring-bearers)
would not be wearing tuxedos because she didn't think it was a valid
reason to spend money. My mother made all the dresses for me,
the 3 bridesmaids, and the 3 flower girls (one was her granddaughter,
the sister of the ring-bearers) and never asked for one dime for any
of it. MIL later decided that her husband (my DH's father) would
not wear a tux either, because he had no active role in the wedding.
That was just the beginning. In the end, DH and I put our feet
down and insisted that all family members be dressed for the formal
and important occasion. We decided early on to do everything
the way we wanted -- and that we would have veto power over anything
she or my family suggested. I'm in my late 20's and DH in his
early 30's, so it's not like we needed hand-holding through it.
My parents paid for the reception, and we decided jointly that, because
it was a luncheon that included champagne, there would be no open
bar. DH's parents could not accept that, and arranged with my
parents that they would pay for the alcohol. Fine. MIL
then tried to wheedle her way into every aspect of things. She
insisted on being present at the flower meeting. I knew what
I wanted -- calla lilies and rose bushes. She insisted that
I have all these millions of different herbs and flowers. Nope.
I really shut her down there. She wanted to choose the wording
of the invitations. Nope. She wanted to help choose the
menu. Nope.
Now that we've been married for several months, things have eased
up a little. But not enough to keep me from getting physically
ill when I learn that they will be visiting (they only live about
1 1/2 hours away) or that I will have to visit them. Like, for
the upcoming holidays. Back in June, she invited us to Thanksgiving.
How could we have said no? Like we would already have other
plans then? I hate her turkeys (dry and tasteless -- a no salt
or butter household) and the stuffing is so dry it might as well be
fed to the birds. I'm not allowed to bring any of my family's
traditional recipes -- there's only one way to do things, and that's
MIL's way. We're expected to stay the whole weekend with them
(the only thing that's going to make that bearable is that BIL's family
will be there as well -- kids to play with!). Already, she's
telling me what I'm expected to do, and I can't stand it. So,
I've had an upset stomach for weeks thinking about it. She's
also assuming that we'll be there for Christmas. My DH and I
decided that if we went to his family's house for Thanksgiving, we
would go to mine for Christmas. DH is in charge of breaking
this news to his parents. My parents live very far away, and
we won't be able to see them, but we'll be going to my grandma's house,
where all the extended family shows up -- and it will be a blast.
DH enjoys these gatherings -- very different from the somber dinners
at MIL's house.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm emotionally distressed and
physically ill at the thought of spending time with them. Whenever
I see them, they have some criticism or comment that hurts me deeply.
Last time I saw them, FIL hinted that DH was going away on a weekend
fishing trip because he needed to get away from me -- not his job,
his employees, or any other daily stresses. How awful!
I hardly knew what to say -- and they said this over a lunch of homemade
soup and sandwiches that I had prepared, hoping to get some approval
from them.
Though I know I have to tell myself that they're the ones with a problem,
not me, it's difficult when I have to deal with it on a weekly, or
sometimes daily, basis. Self-affirmation only goes so far.
DH has been great, and has asked his parents to back off and let us
have some space several times. He understands that he needs
to be there for me. But I know that some of the things that
I hear from ILs hurt him deeply too, and I shield him from it.
The best thing for me would be to have very limited contact with them.
I don't believe they're inherently evil or nasty, but they just don't
think before they speak. I want my DH to have a normal relationship
with them. How can this happen? The holidays are scaring
me. His parents expect so much (in time dedication and gifts
-- they think we're made of money or something) when I have so little
to give. It's pretty depressing for me -- it was difficult for
me to enjoy my own wedding planning, and now the holidays, which should
both have been/be joyful occasions. Anyone have any insight
on how to deal with this? I'm looking at being married to this
man for the rest of my life, so this is only the beginning (another
rather depressing thought) of the problems with In-Laws.
11/6
signed - Holidays Are Scaring Me
RESPONSE: Response to "Holidays Are Scaring Me":
I totally know where you are coming from. I've been married
to DH for 6 years now, and things have not, and WILL NOT ever change
with my in-laws. I'm sad to report, it especially gets worse
after having a child.
Like you said in the beginning of your story, YOU can only control
YOU. I think somehow, these types of people know what buttons
to push when it comes to girls like us. Somehow you have to
(a) not let them know they are getting to you ; (b) limit your
time around them and (c) BE ASSERTIVE (not aggressive).
I know it's difficult, especially with the holidays coming up, but
you somehow have to get through it. I have found that with the
crude, cheap comments, a little (or a lot!) of assertiveness on my
part works well. There are many times that I have just sat back
and not uttered a word. Now I wish I had, because it would have
saved me years of pain. But with some practice (with other friends,
family, store clerks, etc., etc.) I have learned to be assertive with
the in-laws. When a stupid comment spews out of his or her mouth,
out comes an assertive comment or statement out of mine. (i.e.) When
FIL uses God's name in vain (*G.D.*) ... I say, "please do not ever
use that word in front of my son. That is an UGLY word".
That's just one example off the top of my head. It shuts them
up ... and fast!
I am so sorry you are one of many of us who have to put up with impossible,
rude, uncaring, selfish, egocentric ... IN-LAWS. (BTW, the list
of adjectives goes on and on!) I just don't see how people get
off on making others miserable. I do know that people who do
this are in misery themselves. They are probably depressed,
have low self-esteem, or are just angry about something that has happened
to them in life. And they think they can take it out on you!
That's why you have to be strong and let them know in a kind, loving
way that you will not take the abuse. Hang in there with DH.
Thank goodness he is supportive of you. That makes a WORLD of
a difference. My DH is semi-supportive. He understands
where I am coming from, but he has a difficult time standing up to
them. I attribute that to how he was raised. He was basically
bullied to death by both of his parents. I have to do a lot
of the "talking" when it comes to my in-laws!
They (IL's) have missed out on a lot due to their ways and behavior.
I refuse to let our son spend a lot of time with them (he spends NO
time alone with them) ... but you know what? They made their
bed and now they will have to lie in it. They are the losers
in this, and have no one to blame but themselves. You just don't
go through life treating people like human doormats and expect them
to want to spend a single second with you! I will not let them
have any influence over my son, so help me God.
I'm sorry to get off on my soapbox about my IL's, but I do hope I've
provided some insight with my experiences. Good luck to you,
and know that there are many of us here who understand your situation!
Hang in there, and know you can always come here to this site for
support!
11/7
RESPONSE: Re: Holidays are Scaring Me
Oh, do I know how you feel. This is the first year I won't be
spending Christmas with my own family, as DH and I spent it with my
family last year. We are also newly married. For me, I'm
having a hard time imagining a Christmas with the Grinch's long lost
wife: my MIL. It will seem like such a Christmas wasted,
you know? Especially for me, since I just love Christmas, and
my family has always made it very special for me. My family
is also very fun-loving, and my DH also just loved it there last year.
However, I have a different attitude now about seeing the in-laws.
I did the stomach-ache-at-the-thought-of-seeing-them for too long.
I can't explain how or why it happened, but one day I had a "light-bulb
moment", and I realized that, who cares if they like me or not?
They are impossible to please, and like yours, speak without thinking,
saying the most incredibly rude things. I tried to cater to
them, prepare nice meals, etc. I've just really come to know
that, no matter what I do, no matter how much of a doormat I am, it's
not good enough for them. I'M not good enough for them, and
no woman on earth that DH married would've been good enough, either.
I'm the type of person who used to really care what people thought
about me. But, after giving up caring what the in-laws think,
that has greatly changed. It is SO liberating. I'm sure
you will get to that point, too. They will snub you, or criticize
you, one too many times, and you'll tell yourself, enough is enough!
I don't even get stomachaches anymore, because like you, I have a
DH who stands up for me, and will get me the hell out of there if
they pull something out of control at a family gathering. Besides,
he's so limited contact already, they wouldn't dare pull anything
now. They'll lose him forever, and they know it.
Just don't give in to the pressure, and celebrate Christmas with your
family. I'll be thinking about you, having lots of fun, while
I'm staring at my in-laws like they're Martians! hee hee
At Thanksgiving, drink lots of water - or how 'bout some wine, ha
ha - to wash down the horrid dry food, and play with the kids a lot.
And just dream about Christmas, when you'll be with your family.
Maybe you and DH could have your own Thanksgiving dinner, either before
or after the big weekend, to celebrate how thankful you are for each
other AND to have some decent food. For Christmas this year,
my DH and I will be going around town, looking at all the Christmas
lights, going shopping together, making cookies, and spending the
weekend before with my parents, to try and make up for it. Try to
imagine your in-laws like creatures from another planet. I'm
sure it's not too much of a stretch! That works for me, too.
Keep your chin up, you'll get through it! Just think of all
of us, in the same boat as you. And just think, you get to escape
Christmas with them. I'm jealous!
11/7
RESPONSE: In response to "holidays are scaring me".
I am in the same situation as you. I am in my mid twenties and
my husband is a couple of years older. We got married in August,
and my MIL did things throughout our wedding I will never forgive
her for. My husband confronted her about how she has treated
me (FINALLY!!), and they got into this huge argument. She never
thinks she does anything wrong. After a couple of huge arguments
between my husband and I, and threatening to leave because "she" isn't
worth all this (!!), we both decided that there may be times that
I do not come to family functions because I don't like her.
My husband has finally realized that I grew up in a loving home, and
I am not used to his "family life". He has also accepted that,
even though we are married and we are "one", when it comes to my MIL,
for the better of our marriage, leave me out of it!!! The holidays
are rough, and my husband and I broke it to my MIL that we wouldn't
be seeing her for Thanksgiving nor on Christmas Day. We invited
her to spend Christmas Eve with us, and she wasn't happy at first.
But, like it or leave it. You and your husband have to establish
to both of your families that the two of you come first, then everybody,
and everything else falls into place. You won't be able to avoid
your in-laws for every holiday, believe me I wish!! Stand up
for yourself if they talk to you badly. You weren't put on this
earth to be treated like that, and let them know it. They'll
stop, or eventually your husband will get involved and it will definitely
be their loss!!! Good luck with the holidays. Just remember,
there are a lot of us in the same boat!!
11/7
RESPONSE: This is in response to Holidays are Scaring
me.
You sound like a very sweet person. I think it's wonderful that
your husband is supportive of you, and that you want him to have a
relationship with his parents despite how they treat you. A
couple of things come to mind about your in-laws. One, they
could be totally clueless as to what they're doing, or two, they know
exactly what they're doing. Maybe they're jealous of you and
your husband's new life together? Who knows? The only
thing I could suggest to you is to try to let the comments they make
slide off your back like water on a duck. I know, easy for me
to say since I'm not in your situation. Just knowing that your
husband supports you should help you immensely. I've had a similar
problem in the past with one of my stepchildren. It was making
me physically ill, and the only thing that ended up helping me was
that they went back to live with their mom. Thank God your in-laws
don't live with you! The other thing that helped me was my husband's
support. Most of the stories that I've read on this site, unfortunately,
don't include the husband's support of the wife. Keep standing
up for yourself, and don't let your in-laws railroad you. Don't
let them get to you so much that it makes you physically ill.
It's not hurting them ... it's only hurting you. Also, looking
on the bright side, at least you'll get to spend Christmas with your
family. You just have to get through Thanksgiving. You
can do it!! And who says you have to spend the entire weekend
there? You and your husband should decide that, and if you don't
want to, don't! One other suggestion, I don't think you should
shield your husband from comments that might hurt him. He needs
to understand the full scope of what's going on with them. If
he doesn't, he may not know how badly it's affecting you. That's
important information if he's going to be able to help in this situation.
Hiding things will not help in changing it. Good luck to you.
Hang in there!
11/7
RESPONSE: Re "The Holidays are Scaring Me"
First, my heart goes out to you because I've been there myself.
I know how it feels to feel physically ill and upset at the thought
of seeing the IL's. Your IL's sound like mine - no matter how
much I try to get their approval, they insist on slamming on me.
My advice is this: try to arrange only an hour or so visit,
if possible, even if you have to drive all the way back home.
Tell dh the night before that you're not feeling well (it'll be the
truth!), and that you'd only like to stay for turkey dinner, nothing
beyond that. This should only be an hour or so (maybe sooner
since you'll be in a hurry to get through that dry, tasteless turkey!).
Tell dh that after the dinner, you'd like to leave immediately.
Get dh's commitment ahead of time. Then, go and tune out.
Let the IL's be responsible for the social atmosphere. Don't
contribute emotionally. Be polite, but don't open yourself up.
Then, leave as soon as you can. Also, one other thing:
in the future, I wouldn't shield dh from his parents' behavior.
I know you're trying to do the kind, loving thing, but dh needs to
see what they're doing. He needs to see it in all of its aspects.
To shield him will only come back to bite you later when you've reached
a "fed up" point with them, and he doesn't have a 100% clear
picture of why you're feeling that way. He needs to know
the whole truth about them, even if it hurts. That way, the
two of you can build a strong partnership which cannot be touched
by the IL's destructiveness. Best of luck to you. I'll
keep you in my thoughts.
11/7
RESPONSE: Holidays are Scaring Me:
When I was married the first time, I really enjoyed my mother-in-law,
more than my own mother. Anyway, we alternated Thanksgiving
and Christmas between his parents and mine, 8-hour drive to mine,
and 10-hour drive to his. Somehow, we never got any criticism
for taking turns like that.
Now that I'm married the second time, I don't have a mother-in-law.
I still like the ex's mother better than mine. New husband and
I drove the kids to FIL's funeral last spring and everything was fine.
Now, the kids get to take turns between families, but my husband and
I only go to my parent's every two years or less. Still no criticism
for the alternating.
If you are visiting people you don't like, sometimes the less said
the better. Also, if you can manage to be helpful and kind ...
not that it's easy, I know.
11/9 |
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Working Women Don't Have Wives