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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 11/25/00
<--Previous Archive
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My maid of honor threw
me a surprise bridal shower. You know the kind, where everyone
gets a little tipsy and all of the gifts are a little risqué.
Well, my BIL found out and wanted her to invite my soon to be MIL
and SIL. She tried to explain that this was just for friends,
but he threw such a sh**fit that she relented. Well, here we
all are drinking, and I was getting gifts such as crotchless panties
and garter belts with fishnet stockings. Needless to say, my
MIL and SIL are a little "uptight" about such things. They bought
me a blanket, which was appropriate since they were a blanket on the
party. Needless to say, we just kept the party going, drinking,
and me parading around in some of the outfits. They left pretty
quickly. We all just laughed and kept partying. They were
treated liked outsiders, and they were. Maybe they'll keep their
mouths shut the next time there's a party, cause there's probably
a reason why. My own mother wasn't even invited. That
should have given them a clue. When my maid of honor told me
about my BIL sticking his nose into it, I about came unglued.
I told her that she should have just told him no. But she said
that she did say no and he was insistent. So she figured that
they'd get what they got coming to them for basically "crashing" my
party. The looks on their faces was good enough for me, and
a good laugh after they huffily left.
11/18
signed - signed, slut in a teddy
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My "mother in-law" story
may be unconventional -- but it is similar in feelings of frustration
to everything else I am reading on this great page. I feel so
upset, and inconsolable today - I went to Yahoo and typed in mother-in-law
to see if I could find any support and I am relieved to say that I
have related to many! My girlfriend and I have been together
for over 8 years - and my "MIL" has been an issue in our relationship
ever since I met her. She lives in another state - and since
my girlfriend and I bought our house - 7 months ago, and her son and
his wife (who live three blocks away from us) had their first baby,
she has been down "visiting" staying at our house at least twice a
month - sometimes 3 or 4 days at a time. You see, she feels
so much more comfortable at my place - because it is bigger - than
her sons. What is so frustrating about her every-other-weekend
visits is that my girlfriend has a job where she works tons of hours
- and has to work every-other weekend. So her mom makes sure
she schedules her trips on my girlfriend's weekends off. I work
full time - and my weekends are sacred to me - and so WERE the weekends
that my girlfriend had off of work. My "MIL" is a very controlling,
passive aggressive person who practically apologizes for breathing.
The reason for this is so the focus can be on her at all times, and
how wonderful and self-sacrificing she is. She does stuff like
come in and "help" me by mopping - even though I have mopped the day
before. But what I hate the most, is that she does my laundry!
Maybe most people would be grateful for that - but I hate it!
It feels so violating and controlling to me. It is always expected
that I stop what I am doing and gather my laundry - while she buzzes
around my house - like it is hers - just doing, doing, doing, so she
can feel like she is miss wonderful. My girlfriend and I have
been in so many arguments over this - she thinks her mom is being
helpful. I don't feel supported at all when her mom is around.
My girlfriend's dad is a practicing alcoholic, and her mom is very
needy emotionally for support - so it is like my girlfriend gets into
that roll of being her mother's surrogate spouse. The problem
(as I see it anyways) is that, the more time my girlfriend is around
her family, the more she behaves in her dysfunctional family dynamics.
This was not as much of a problem when her mom only came 6 times a
year. So "MIL" will be here tomorrow - and be here for three
days. I am at my wits end with this. I told my girlfriend
that I thought that once a month was a compromise - and she agreed,
but hasn't stuck to it - you see her mom will fall apart if she feels
rejected. And, in all honesty - really enjoys being around her
mom. At the same time I know she resents how incapable her mom
is of "standing on her own two feet." But, what is so upsetting
to me is that my girlfriend has been taking that frustration out on
me - and her frustration at her perception that I don't like her family.
Don't like them - I wish that she could understand that I choose her
- not her family!! I think that, why I am so sad, hurt, and
inconsolable - is that if things don't change, it will be the end
of what my girlfriend and I have together. When we were at therapy
this week, she told me that I make things worse than they really are
- that we are just in that space of not being really close that couples
go through - what she doesn't get is that I am at the end of my rope
- and I can not take this anymore!!
11/17
signed - Says I Make Things Worse Than They Really Are
RESPONSE: this is a response to says I make things worse
than they really are.
If your girlfriend's mother is coming to visit her grandchild, then
she should stay with them. I can relate. My husband works
major hours, and there are some months he is gone even on weekends.
We definitely like to spend time together when he has time off, not
with his parents - who have a habit of visiting, and then never leaving.
Is it possible that you and your girlfriend could get away for a day
or two on her weekends off? Maybe if it's obvious to her mother
that the two of you want to make the most of your time that you have
together, and you're not available at the time of her visits, she'll
get the point. The other option is that you and your girlfriend
confront her and set some clear boundaries. If your girlfriend
wants to spend her life with you, then she NEEDS TO RESPECT YOUR FEELINGS!
My MIL called the other day, and I unfortunately answered the phone.
The subject came up AGAIN, how she and FIL have time to visit much
more frequently. I again had to stress what my husband has told
her before, which was, on his days off he likes to spend time with
me and his daughter. Unfortunately, MIL shows no respect for
our wishes, and totally blames me for the strained relationship with
her son. He rarely calls or visits. So, if you decide
to confront her (which feels liberating when you finally do), be prepared
for some hostility.
11/18
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All of my in-laws are
from hell. I've been married for 10 years now. The last
2 spent not talking to or seeing my in-laws. Basically my husband
has disowned them. He only sees them for 2 hours on Thanksgiving
and Xmas. They have done many nasty things to me and my daughter,
behind our backs of course. I really didn't care what they did
to me, I can handle it. But when they started on my daughter,
that's when I got mad. They've spread rumors that my daughter
was pregnant, then had an abortion. They tell everyone that
she's a slut. One night, my FIL's tires got slit, and they immediately
blamed it on my daughter. At Xmas she always got cheap presents,
inappropriate for her age. They're "real" granddaughter's got
showered with gifts. She would always ask me what to do with
"these things". I told her to wait 'til we got home, and put
them in the dumpster. My MIL is very cheap when it comes to
us 2. We draw names and spend $25. Well, instead of buying
something nice for $25, she would buy 4-5 cheap, chintzy items for
us. Once my daughter got her license, and she is a very good
driver, a truck pulled right out in front of her. Well, she
does the same things that I do, hit the brakes, hit the horn, and
flip them the finger. Well, she pulled around the truck still
fingering them, and it turned out to be my FIL. She stopped
and told all of the girls in the car with her and they all mooned
him! Kids will be kids, right. Well my FIL came to the
house and told my husband and acted like it was a major felony.
My husband just laughed at him (as I did). He said that my hubby
should, "tighten the leash on those 2". My MIL and SIL are always
spreading gossip about me and my daughter. I finally went to
a lawyer, and he wrote them a letter telling them that if it didn't
stop I'd press charges for harassment. I asked my husband first
if this was ok, and he said maybe it'll shut 'em up. Well, the
sh** hit the fan on that one.
11/17
signed - Daughter Flipped FIL
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My MIL can be a real pain
in the a$$! She does things that are supposed to be nice, but
somehow always come out mean/controlling. My H & I had a son
this summer who lived only 4 days. My MIL is constantly finding
ways to upset me still! The latest one is: MIL went on vacation
and came back with a baby outfit for my BIL & SIL who are expecting
in Feb. After me telling MIL that I'm having a bad day on the
whole baby topic, she showed me the outfit and said, "If things had
been different, this would have been for your baby." Gee, don't
I already know that if things would have been different I would have
a baby???!!! Her latest one is she wants to hang an empty Christmas
stocking up for our baby, right along side of the 10 fat, full ones
that will be there for all of the living grandchildren. I told
my H he had better tell his mother that we don't want to see that,
and that if it's hanging up when we celebrate Christmas at her house,
I will leave! My SIL supports me on this one!
11/16
signed - Empty Stocking an Empty Headed Idea
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My H & I have been married
for a year & a half, and each of us has 2 daughters from our first
marriages. My MIL has a total of 10 grandchildren, including
step-grandkids, but my oldest step-daughter is the DEFINITE favorite.
My MIL is constantly giving her little gifts and clothes that no one
else gets, including my younger stepdaughter. When MIL comes
over to see my stepdaughters on the weekends, she won't even bother
to talk to the youngest one. She will even go so far as to take
all of the girls shopping for Christmas or Easter outfits, BUT with
the stipulation that they have to get whatever my oldest step-daughter
decides they should have. This child is now 12 years old and
a spoiled brat! She expects to be first in everything.
She throws temper tantrums whenever my girls get new school clothes,
even though she is only here on the weekends, and already has a dresser
and closet practically exploding with clothes from Grandma.
My SIL and I have learned that if we want to get MIL to do something
for the grandkids, we use my step-daughter's name as much as possible
during the conversation. This woman falls for it every time.
11/16
signed - MIL Won't Talk To Youngest One
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I am pregnant with my
first child. My other sister in law just gave birth to her first
child. My mother in law just loves her, and she can do no wrong.
This is just one of the situations where she has annoyed the heck
out of me. I told her the names my husband and I had picked
out. She said that it sounded weird, but quickly added that
it was up to us. She then added, on a quicker note, that my
sister in law had picked a nice classical name. The next time
she asks about the names of her future grandchild, I will tell her
that we have changed our minds and will now name a boy Hercules Rockefeller
and a girl Chesty Larue.
11/15
signed - wants a nice classical name
RESPONSE: RESPONSE TO: Wants a nice Classical Name
I can empathize with you. MIL was inquiring as to what names
we choose for our first child. Excited to tell her the names
we were thinking of, since this was her 1st grandchild, she rudely
responded to the girl's name by stating, "That's a horrible name.
You're not going to name a child that." If that wasn't bad enough,
a few weeks later we went out to dinner with my husband's family,
and regrettably the same topic came up. My husband's whole family
made a joke of the name without any thought or care about how we might
feel. Needless to say, we are expecting our 2nd and not disclosing
anything!!
11/16
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My MIL is obsessed with
my husband. She calls him at least twice at day, either at home
or at work. If she can't reach him by phone, she'll page him.
We feel obligated to visit her & the FIL every weekend, which
always begins and ends with a big kiss on the lips for my husband.
(The few times I tried to give her a kiss she turned her head away,
so now I just wave goodbye from across the room). She rubs my
husband's shoulders and scratches his back while I'm standing right
there. It's as if she's competing with me for his love and affection.
My MIL is loud, domineering, and pushy. She doesn't know when
to stop talking. She is an ovarian cancer survivor (going on
eight years now), but not a day goes by that we don't talk about it.
I try to have patience because I know that she went through a horrible
ordeal, but she uses her medical problems to get attention and manipulate
people. When my daughter was a week old, she told me that I
better put my daughter on birth control pills as soon as she becomes
a teenager because she could've inherited the cancer gene. Here
I was, trying to adjust to motherhood, and all the anxieties that
go along with having a newborn baby, and she felt the need to lay
that on me! How did she think that made me feel, telling me
that my child might get cancer? My daughter is almost two years
old now, but I still cannot forgive and forget that insensitive comment.
My FIL is just as bad. When my daughter was a few weeks old
and we were over their house for a visit, she started crying the way
all babies do. He said, "Behave yourself kid, I'm not in the
mood. The last time you were here I was ready to check out the
shotgun sale at KMart." He has jokingly said he would beat
her up if she wasn't good, and has pretended to kick her while she
was bending over to pick up a toy. That's just the tip of the
iceberg. My MIL laughs at his antics.
I know my in-laws would never physically harm my daughter, but I cannot
tolerate the crude comments anymore. My husband thinks I'm over-sensitive.
He, of course, wants to maintain his "perfect son" status so he never
stands up to them. I'm always the b*tch who speaks up.
I have had it with these two crazy people. Any advice would
be appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent!
11/14
signed - Am I too sensitive?
RESPONSE: This is in response to "Am I too sensitive."
No, you are not being too sensitive. Your in-laws are being
very insensitive and ignorant. If someone had made the remark
about the shotgun sale at Kmart to me, I would have responded like
this; "I'm sorry your grandchild irritates you by being a normal baby
and crying. Next time we won't come to visit, and you can do
me the favor of not visiting my home anymore." It sounds like
your husband needs to get some backbone and stick up for his family.
Good Luck.
11/15
RESPONSE: Response to "Am I too Sensitive?"
Your IL's and mine must be related somehow. I have known mine
for about 13 years now, (6 of which DH and I have been married).
There are way tooooo many incidents to list here. But I can
relate to your examples, especially when I became a new mom to our
DS two years ago. We had gone out to dinner one night with my
IL's, and had to stop by the drug store on the way home to pick up
an Rx for my son's blocked tear duct. I ran in, found out the
Rx wasn't ready due to the dr's office not providing some info they
needed for a first-time Rx. I ran back out to tell everyone
in the car that it would be about 15 minutes. FIL says, "God
D#&$, what the hell?!" I ignored the remark and tried to be
nice, and suggest DH take them by our house so they could get their
car and go on home since it was so late ... then he could come back
to pick me up. No one could make a decision, so my lovely FIL
chooses to be a jack*ss and yells at me in the parking lot out in
the freezing cold. He screamed, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAND THERE????"
in an extremely loud, hostile, and rude tone. I was so damn
mad I could spit fireballs at him. I yelled back, "No, I'm not
going to just STAND here!!!!!!" My MIL was holding DS (8 weeks
old) in the back seat. I said "GIVE HIM TO ME! NOW" and
I went inside with my baby and waited by myself. I had to cool
off before I knocked the you-know-what out of them. Of course,
DH sits there like he's in la-la land and says nothing. I was
soooo extremely upset. Being talked to like a dog by my FIL
while I'm going through post-partum depression ... it was just so
horrible. MY OWN PARENTS wouldn't have done what he did to me.
Why did I need to put up with crap like this from HIM, if anyone?!
Oh, and all that had happened after FIL told MIL to "SHUT UP!!!!!!"
in the middle of a quiet restaurant! It was so embarrassing!
Eventually, I told MIL she may let him talk to her that way, BUT NOT
ME! My IL's are extremely toxic. I refuse to let them
near me or my son unless absolutely necessary. Maybe once every
2 months. That's even too much, in my book!
Sorry to get off on my soapbox ... but I just wanted to give you an
example of the insensitivity, stupidity, and ignorance I went through
as a new mom. There are many more stories I could share, but
there's not enough time in the day. Don't you know it is soooo
easy for your IL's to shift the blame and say, "she's just too sensitive."
It's the cowardly way out for them to say that about you. All
you want is a little respect. Your IL's probably won't accept
responsibility for their behavior, if they're anything like mine ...
which it sounds like they are. Mine are in constant denial.
They lie, and they never think they do or say anything wrong.
They have told me they won't "change or conform to my standards".
All I want is to be treated like anyone else off the street, and to
be respected. Why is that so much to ask?! My IL's have
told my DH that they just don't know what they can or cannot say around
me anymore ... that I'm just too sensitive, so they won't say much
anymore. I was like, "FINE BY ME! The less I see or hear
from them, the BETTER off we are!" And I told them just that!
I used to be their human doormat, but no more! I must be so
hated by them, but do you see concern on this face? : )
Your IL's definitely sound like they don't think before they speak.
The things they have said to you are soooo out of line and insensitive;
I would have to think twice about leaving your daughter alone with
them. Your FIL sounds like he has a screw loose. If you
were to say the comment he made (about the gun) to a stranger on the
street, the police could lock you up in jail! Please don't put
up with this crap. Put your foot down with your DH and say,
"NO MORE!!!". Your IL's sound like destructive people.
I hope you won't let them be the cause of a divorce. They are
not worth losing your marriage. They sound so crazy to me!
Stupid and crazy. Don't put up with them and please don't subject
your daughter to their toxic ways. Good luck to you. I
know what you're going through, girlfriend!
11/16
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My MIL has held a beautiful
Christmas dinner every year for as long as my husband can remember.
Luckily, she has welcomed me into her tradition since I began dating
my husband, and more so after we were married 4 years ago. We
now have two beautiful children, and since my father has basically
disowned me and my family, I look forward to the holidays at MIL's
house, to lift my spirits.
Here's the dilemma. Since my hubby's sister has met her husband,
who's family is EXTREMELY well off, she has (for the last three years,
mind you) bitched and moaned about the fact that her dh's family would
like to see her on the holidays as well, and she is obligated to see
them. This is not a problem, but SIL continues that she wants
to spend the ENTIRE day there, rather than with her own siblings,
who "don't have any money anyway." Granted, I have nowhere else
to go, but the other two sisters split the day evenly with their boyfriend's
families.
So now, MIL is giving in to this money hungry person, and not having
any Christmas dinner. The excuse MIL gave was that, since we
all have small kids, they may want to play with the toys received
from "Santa". We all know the truth. My husband, therefore,
has invited us and one of his sisters to her house for dinner.
I'm sure she'll oblige, but I have also offered to hold the family
dinner at our small apartment if she didn't feel like it. Leave
it to "G" to spoil the holidays and her own family tradition!
11/15
signed - No presents for Christmas
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Note: This story
moved here, in its entirety, from the 7/15/00 archives due to recent
receipt of a response.
My husband and I started out our married life about 2 years ago.
We did live close to FIL / MIL, but had to move 260 miles away - close
to my family (they are NOT intrusive). My MIL is so jealous
of my mom because we live close to her. This distressed my MIL
so very much. My H used to get very angry at me when I would
complain about his mother's neediness / obsessiveness / controlling
behavior. But then, we both decided we needed to seek counseling
on how to get on the same page TOGETHER and think of ways to space
ourselves from her. This worked for a while, but now it's starting
back up again. I get the feeling I am the scapegoat in the situation.
FIL / MIL insisted on going to breakfast together to talk about how
insecure I and MIL are, and how this is a "woman" thing that FIL and
H are tired of!!! I could not believe my H just sat there!
He absolutely FROZE when we sat down to talk. Just the night
before he told me how he loves me so much, and that we have to be
on the same page and just explain how WE feel. And then, when
we got there, I was the only one that got to talk, and, honestly,
NOTHING was accomplished except we were lectured on how we need to
visit more, call more, reassure MIL more that we love her, etc.
My H and I are professionals that work a lot of long hours to get
us ahead and plan for our futures. It seems they can't leave
us alone. WE are happy, and my H told me he does miss his family,
but he is also VERY happy where he is now, and loves our lives together.
I love my H, and we want to start a family in about 4 years, but I'm
very scared of what kind of problems bringing children into this mess
will create. Others in the family just say that MIL has always
been that way, and just to accept it because she means well, but I'm
sick of feeling like my H and I HAVE to call, send letters, send e-mails,
and visit on every weekend we have off together. We had to move
away from her so we could build a strong marriage foundation.
I believe all newly married couples need to have private time.
Any suggestions on ways to make her happy, without having to constantly
reassure her and give her pep talks about how we love her? Also,
how can I stop being blamed if my H doesn't give her the attention
she craves?
7/10
signed - Stop Blaming Me
RESPONSE: RE: Stop blaming me
Unfortunately, no one can "make" anyone else happy. She is choosing
to be unhappy, and I really believe that, even if you gave in and
saw her 24/7, she would find something else to be unhappy about ("you
don't talk to me enough when we see each other, you don't love me,
you talk to so-and-so more", etc.). You also can't stop her
from blaming you, if that's what she chooses to do. Since your
husband won't speak up, it's easier for them to see you as the bad
guy than to consider that he wants his privacy as much as you do.
My husband is one of the ones that does all the "confronting" when
it comes to his family, and they STILL see me as the bad guy, even
though I don't say a word! ("Oh, he's just brainwashed by her,
she's the puppeteer pulling the strings, he's changed so much since
she came along and made him different" etc.) I think your husband
and you may need more counseling, and need to figure out the best
way to react to her. You may not be able to control how happy
she is, both in general and about you, but you definitely have control
over your own reactions to it. And your husband needs to get
over his fear of their reactions, so he can speak up and present a
united front to them. Good luck!
7/11
RESPONSE: re: stop blaming me
Well, I would suggest you resolve to learn to deal with the situation
before you have children, or it will just get worse. A mil who
needs constant attention will be 100 times worse as a grandma who
wants to see "the grandbabies". With me it was just a matter
of finding a way of tolerating her, and yet at the same time just
barely giving in to her in a way where, she feels like her point got
across, but where you really could care less. And I know it
is difficult to do when you loath someone, but after awhile you realize
it is better to do this than the constant upset stomach and hate you
will have for your mil. But make no mistake, it must be clear
to her that you live your own life.
11/15
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My SIL used to work at
the community hospital. All of the surgery, ER, and procedure
slips go thru there. Well, my daughter, who was 14, was having
abdominal pain and they wanted to do an ultrasound to see if she had
a cyst on her ovary. Well, you know what an abdominal ultrasound
means to laypeople. You're pregnant. So my SIL tells my
MIL, and soon it's all over town that my daughter is pregnant.
My MIL even went up to my 84 yr old grandmother in church and asked
her if my daughter was pregnant. Of course she wasn't, and that
wasn't what they were testing her for. Well, in a few months
it was obvious that she wasn't pregnant, so they started another rumor
to say that she had had an abortion. Evil, evil, evil.
11/14
signed - Evil, evil, evil
RESPONSE: re:"evil, evil, evil"
You should've made a formal complaint with the hospital since, by
law, your SIL, as an employee of a medical institution, is required
to maintain confidentiality. She can be held liable as well
as the hospital she was working for.
11/15
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When we first got married
I used to go to their family events. I did my own thing, tried
to get along. But later, I found out that I had made some major
"social faux pas" with them. I don't eat enough, which
insults MIL's cooking. I weigh 110 and they all weigh over 200,
so I'm not going to eat as much as they do. Also, after dinner
I go in with the men and watch football. I've watched football
since I was 10, and my favorite team was on. Well, I guess that
all the "womenfolk" (and that's how they say it) are supposed
to sit at the kitchen table and gossip. My MIL came in and asked
if I'd like to join them, and I said no I was fine watching football.
I did all these things and no one said a word, 'til after we left.
Then, I guess the whole family ripped me apart about my actions.
I don't go to their house any more.
11/14
signed - did my own thing
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My husband and I, after
2 years and careful consideration, decided not to have children.
Well, when my MIL and SIL heard about this they about had a cow.
We just said we don't want to have any children. Of course they
couldn't believe that their precious baby boy made this decision.
I was the one at fault. I'm too paranoid about getting fat.
I'm too selfish. I just want to get back at them, by not giving
them a grandchild (like they'd see it anyhow). My husband has
told them over and over it was his idea. But I get the rap.
Even my BIL has gotten into it. I finally yelled out, right
in front of his wife, that there was no use in talking about it anymore,
because I had secretly gone to the hospital and had my tubes tied.
Of course, this was all my fault too. But my husband lied to
them and said that he had to sign the consent too. No further
comments, but maybe that's because I have refused to see or talk to
them in 2 years. My husband only sees them for 2 hours on Xmas
and Thanksgiving. He has told them that if they talk about me
in any way he will get up and leave.
11/14
signed - not having kids
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My in-laws never call or
write to wish me well during any of the religious holidays I celebrate
(I happen to be from a different religion than what they are); nevertheless,
during Christmas, they send me a Christmas card and cookies; they
call to ask what gift would I want for Christmas. They know
that I practice my own religion, and it is very important for me.
Please give me some insights about how to handle this. I was
thinking of writing a letter to my mother-in-law and asking her to
send me that gift, during my holiday, and not Christmas, since I am
..., and not ...
Thanks for your advice
11/12
signed - wrong holiday
RESPONSE: Re: Wrong Holiday
It's sad that your IL's don't understand/respect the importance of
your religion to you. However, it's inappropriate to request
that a gift be sent to you at a particular time, because it's impolite
to ask that any gift be sent to you. Gifts are optional, not
your entitlement. However, if your IL's are sending you a gift
that arrives on a holiday that you don't celebrate (like Christmas),
it seems that your best response would be to thank them for thinking
of you, but never to refer to it as a Christmas present. Something
like, "It was so nice to receive x from you - I really appreciate
the thought." This allows you to fulfill your role in the gift
process - being thankful that you were thought of - without seeming
to acknowledge the IL's prioritizing their holiday over yours.
It's not the ideal situation, but you really can't teach people respect
or manners - you can only show your own.
11/13
RESPONSE: response to holiday plans ...
What are you thinking? Why are you letting this bag control
your holidays? Do you not deserve a nice holiday? You
better have a long heart to heart with your H and then if he can't
talk to you calmly about it, so what, go to your family's house alone
or w/kids if you have them, let him see you are not going to follow
along like some puppy dog. Trust me, mommies-boys hate that
independent thing when it comes to the wife taking a stand ... he
will either go with you or you will know where your marriage stands
... simple as that. Most men are definitely wimps and just want
everything to be so nice and peachy. Don't create waves ...
is their attitude. BS ... create big waves. You don't
get a chance at another life, you better live this one happily, the
way you want to, or you'll wake up 20 years from now miserable with
no dignity.
11/14
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What about daughters-in-law?
I know I could really tell some stories there. It is not always
the mother that treats others badly. In fact, I would bet money
it is pretty much a tossup. I think my dil believes that, while
my son is now an integral part of HER family, we simply lost our son
... Well, guess what? Not a chance. I am going to find
a way to bring this family together. I will not lose my son,
and now that she is pregnant, my future grandchild. I love my
son, and am willing to love her if she would just allow it.
She pulls back at every turn. But, I am patient. I will
find a way to have a daughter instead of a daughter-in-law out of
this marriage ...
11/10
signed - she pulls back at every turn
RESPONSE: re: she pulls back at every turn
You will not succeed if you ever, ever, ever criticize any decision
that your son, DIL, or both ever make.
11/12
RESPONSE: Re: "She pulls back".
You will lose your daughter-in-law AND son if you continue to push
your will on them. You definitely sound like the problem here,
since your "refusal to give up" is really your inability
to give them space and freedom. Your assertion that daughter-in-laws
are 50% of the problem is correct in this way: those daughter-in-laws
who refuse to accept submissive posture to dominating, power-tripping
mother-in-laws are surely a problem to people such as yourself!
The sooner you use your authority and power as "matriarch" to give
love, understanding, compassion and freedom to your daughter-in-law,
the sooner your relationship with her will improve. The only
daughter-in-law problems that I've seen is when the mother-in-law
abuses the status she has in the family to force her daughter-in-law
to jump to attention. If you want your relationship with her,
and your son, to improve, then ask yourself each step of the way,
"Is this how I would treat my neighbor?" If the answer is no,
then you know what the solution is. Accord your family members
the respect, freedom, and dignity they deserve, and you will in turn
receive it back.
11/13
RESPONSE: Dear "she pulls back at every turn:"
I understand your frustration, but nine times out of ten, you are
only thinking about what YOU want, and not recognizing what your DIL
wants as valid. Your way is not necessarily the RIGHT WAY.
Everybody is different. Just because you want to have such a
close relationship with your DIL doesn't mean that she wants that
as well. And if she doesn't want that, it's okay! You
must respect what your DIL wants, feels, etc. Maybe she doesn't
want to have a SPECIAL relationship with you. Does that make
her a bad person? Does that mean that you'll lose your son?
NO! Furthermore, why would you blame your DIL if you DID lose
your son. Isn't he a grown man? I doubt that she has him
hypnotized or under some voodoo spell. Why are you blaming your
DIL for your son's behavior? If you lose your son, you have
only YOUR SON to blame. Remember, a gift is not a gift if a
person doesn't want it. Back off of your DIL and your son ...
they are entitled to have a life: THEIR LIFE DOES NOT INCLUDE
YOU. You are his mother! That's it! You don't have
control over his life anymore. Things are different now because
he has HIS OWN FAMILY. His immediate family doesn't include
YOU. You are EXTENDED family. Your son and DIL took vows
that included: "... forsaking ALL OTHERS," so if your son is
standing by his wife, he is doing the right thing and living by the
vows that he took. I'm sure this is hard to deal with, but its
true. The bottom line is: LEAVE YOUR DIL ALONE!
LET HER BE WHO SHE IS. RESPECT HER.
11/13
RESPONSE: re: "she pulls back at every turn"
Do you really think that your son was so spineless that he let a woman
turn him away from his own mother? If you do, then you must
remember you're the one who raised him. It's obvious he turned away
from you because of your behavior. The tone of your story submission
says it all. Remember, he has his own family now - you had your
own already! And, by the way, may I remind you that your DIL
may be pregnant with your future GRANDCHILD, but that's just it -
A GRANDCHILD, NOT YOUR CHILD. The child is theirs. Don't get
all super matriarchal over people who obviously won't stand for any
type of controlling behavior. Whether you are justified or not,
you will lose if you choose to try and control people.
11/14
RESPONSE: This is a response to "She pulls back at every
turn".
I don't know you, and for all I know you might be delightful and your
DIL might be an absolute witch. However, two things bother me
about your story, so I wanted to reply in case I can be of help.
Firstly, do you know for a fact that it is your DIL and not your son
who decides to spend more time with her family than with you?
My husband is a good, loyal son, but he has never been best friends
with his mother, and in fact she is often not very nice to him - she
thinks she is just teasing, as is her right as his mother, but he
feels she is giving him a hard time and he is never good enough for
her, even though he is a lot more successful than his brothers, whom
she constantly brags about. On the other hand, my family is
lovely to him, have a similar sense of humor to him, and he just prefers
their company. As an example, my family always gives him his
favorite foods and adult presents while his mother serves up foods
he dislikes (possibly because she served up those foods when he was
5, before he was brave enough to say what he liked) and still gives
him cute pajamas and stockings full of chocolate for Christmas.
So now I am in the impossible situation where my husband CHOOSES to
spend his birthday and holidays with my family, and I am the one saying,
"no, we have to go to your parents for holidays every second
year and you have to see your mother on your birthday, even though
I also would prefer to be with my family."
Secondly, it bothers me a lot that you say you want her to be "your
daughter". She has her own mother. All you should hope
for is to be her friend. My MIL has 3 sons and really wants
me and my SIL to be her "daughters". Problem is, not only do
we have our own mothers, her idea of a daughter is this skewed image
of a 1950s princess to talk girly things to, drink tea with, and complain
about her husband to. Sort of like what she was like at 20 but
more so (she has never, ever had a job outside the home). I
do not have this girly girly kind of relationship, not even with my
own mother. And I am a busy professional, so I don't have time
for mid-week morning tea! If I do do something girly like bake
for her, she patronizes me about it like I am a 6 year old baking
my first cookies (I am nearly 30!). She wants me to hang out
with her women friends with her, but if I do she expects me to call
them Mrs. and not ever disagree with them or her. Like I am
a child to be seen and not heard. I try very hard to get on
with MIL, and she is a nice enough lady, but it would be so much easier
if she would see that our relationship has to be on a mixture of her
terms and mine (not in her fantasy world) and that I am happy to be
her friend on adult terms, but I am not a little daughter to replace
the one she didn't have.
I really don't want to offend you because you sound nice, but perhaps
if you could find out what you can offer her as a friend, instead
of what you want from her as a "daughter", the two of you could start
again. Good luck!
11/14
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When my brother was born
by c-section my grandma was one of the first people to go in to see
my mom afterwards. My dad was somewhere else, and she was alone
with grandma. Grandma asked what she named the baby (even though
she knew darn well what his name was). My mom said she named
him John. My grandma snarled, "I can't believe you named him after
a toilet." Needless to say, my mom was really upset. A
little later, one of her good friends (my future-godmother's husband)
came in and she told him what my grandma said. He said she should
have replied, "We call them (grandma's name) in our house."
This is better when my mom tells it.
11/13
signed - A rose by any other name
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My mother-in-law was so
bent on her son marrying her best friend's daughter that she went
so far as to send her friend's daughter some flowers and a card and
signed my husband's name. The girl called me, and my husband
fought big time over this episode. But, I knew what had happened,
and my thoughts were confirmed a couple of years later.
11/13
signed - MIL sent flowers
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Not long after my husband
and I got married, his side of the family had a family reunion.
She decided to come by and see if HE wanted to go. I was about
6 months pregnant at the time. He decided to go, and she said
that I wasn't invited because I wasn't considered family. She
put her blind, 70 something year old father in the back of the truck
(no camper) so her precious son could sit up front. Since he
rode with her, she refused to come home until late, and wouldn't bring
him home. I had to go and get him an hour away.
11/13
signed - I had to go get him
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This is a good one.
How would you like to live in the same house as your MIL?
I have to pass by her Apartment in order to get to mine, and she always
has her door open. She asks, "Where have you been?"
If I'm leaving, she asks, "Where are you going?" If she
calls our house and we don't answer the phone, she yells out my Husbands
name in the hallway for him to go to her. One night he was out,
and I was on the phone with a friend, so when my phone beeped, I refused
to answer the other line. She yelled out for me to pick up the
phone, she had to talk to me. I have begged for him to find
another place. He won't hear of it. What should I do?
BTW, I could go on for days with stories, but I will get too worked
up.
11/13
signed - begged him to find another place
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My mother-in-law is so
cross-eyed, that when she cries the tears roll down her back!
11/13
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I have read through so
many terrible MIL stories! My story isn't all that different
I guess. My husband and I planned our wedding really fast, and
MIL didn't even find out about it until 4 days prior, because she
had been out of the country and out of touch for so much longer than
we thought she would be.
Well, the night we told MIL about our plans, she drove 2 hours to
MY parent's house to try and stop it. She brought props too! Old scrap
books and such telling her son about how a wedding should be, and
that he MUST wait at least 6 months so SHE could fix this mess and
plan HIM a better wedding. Needless to say, my blood boiled
and I told her we didn't need to wait for her to plan our wedding.
She then insulted me AND my parents who had offered her nothing but
understanding, since we sprang it on them too. She let out some
nice yelling ... and when I raised my voice back to her she began
to insult me more. My husband sat there. I got up and
left.
I took a walk, and when I got back my husband said he told her we
would hold off for 6 months. Boy, the fight that followed that.
I told him if he couldn't stand up for what he wanted, and if he was
ALWAYS going to be a Momma's Boy, I would have no part in it.
After all, when my family opposed we had stood our ground. We
had also spent the money, and other people had changed plans JUST
for US!! Why were we backing down now?
He called her back THAT night and said, "NO Mom" for the first time.
She refused to go to the wedding, and told him he was no longer her
son. Then, while getting ready for my tiny wedding, my mother
comes in and tells me MIL showed up, with two other people! UNinvited
people at that!!
At a later date, when we told her that we were expecting our first
child, she yelled and had a fit again, claiming she will never ever
accept the child.
Of course now, now that I have her precious first grandSON, she is
just as sweet as can be. Yet, there are the signs that she still
resents me, and the fact that she can no longer control her son.
MILs fridge is covered in pictures of her kids. Her daughter,
her son and DIL and her DIL's daughter that came with the marriage,
my husband and a few pictures of our son. Oh yeah, and her cat.
Can we tell who is missing here? She also has 2 photo albums
of the wedding of her other son. They are very thick and wonderful.
For months after our wedding, my husband kept asking her where the
pictures were that she had taken. A couple of months later,
out pops this tiny little red pocketbook album with about 24 pictures
in it. Geeee, how nice eh?
I know these things seem small, but it is really hard to be shut out
of a family like this. It doesn't even end with MIL either!
Other family members have TOLD my husband that he should NOT be with
me. Family members I had NEVER MET!! They were just taking
what MIL had said about me and deciding who and how I was. It
is enough to drive a woman nuts!! I am just thankful that DH
now says that if they cannot accept me then they are out of his life.
It made me cry the first time he told me that I was his family now,
and that was all he really needed. I do not want him to lose
his family, so let's just pray things keep getting better.
11/13
signed - hard to be shut out of family
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My story is different.
I have the sister-in-law from hell. She has CF (cystic fibrosis)
and she uses that to manipulate things to be her way. My parents
are not too kind to her, but you get what you dish out. Let
me give you an example of how she acts. On Mother's day we drove
6 hrs. so my mom would have both my brother and I with her for her
her special day. We decided to go to a brunch buffet at one
of the local resorts, so we ate a whole smorgasbord of food for about
three hours. Her mother is a true and genuine diabetic, and
she now has this "I'm diabetic / becoming diabetic" so we decided
to drive to a town close by and do some sight seeing because I have
never been there. Mind you, this is a 1hr. drive from where
we were. We get there and park and we begin walking around,
and she decides her blood sugar levels are crashing and that she needs
to have a snack, 1 hr after we just ate!!! My grandparents are
both diabetic, so we know that she is full of it. Well, we leave
there and stop at a mall on the way back, and we are looking in one
of the stores (and we are looking for me, not her) and she starts
in again, we are now about four hours into the trip, so it has been
about three hours since she last ate (chili on fritos, healthy food
huh) so she goes and gets ice-cream. We head back into their
town for dinner, and we decide to stop for dinner. It's Mother's
Day, so you can imagine the lines and wait at any restaurant.
Well, we had to wait 1 hr to be seated, she just at ice cream, but
once again she is crashing and needs to eat right now. So she
asks me to go in and get her some crackers. I told her to get
up and go yourself, you can walk. She starts crying, and tells
my brother, "No one in your family likes me." I want
to scream at her, "Why should we like you when you always act
like a whiny B---- ?" I KNOW my brother is unhappy, but
he is just too nice to say anything about it to her or to tell her
to stop. She makes every day with her just so miserable, you
can't wait to get away! My family is very close, and we enjoy
spending time together. But when she comes to town we all want
to disappear.
11/13
signed - we all want to disappear
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HERE IS MY STORY!
This is one of many to come! But here is an oldie but a goodie.
My husband and I have been married now for over 5 years. We
were high school sweethearts. Now we have 2 children and one
on the way. Anyhow, 2 years ago my husband and I were having
a lot of problems. I decided to move out. My wonderful
Mother-In-Law called to tell me this: "Well, I just want you to know
we are thinking about you and the kids, I hope you 2 can figure things
out ... (in the next breath) But I thought I would let you know
you might as well get divorced. NO one thought it would last
this long anyways!" So, once again her sweet gesture turned
into a stab in the back! But it was so funny, I still tell that
story to everyone!
11/13
signed - ~Lasted too Long in Iowa~
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Does anyone out there
have a perfect MIL that gets on your nerves? In the ten years
I have been married to my husband, she always lets it be known how
much she does for everyone, including me. Everyone at church
thinks she is wonderful, and I am so lucky to have so much help with
my kids. I have another side she pretends to help. She
will offer to keep my son (he is three) all the time, but never my
twin girls (18 mths), and it usually is within ear shot of other people.
If I ask her on the phone, she always has other things to do.
She brags on how much she buys them, and sneaks in so many comments
like, "You don't have a hair-bow in?", "You did not have breakfast?"
She gives advice all the time, even on caring for my elderly parents.
She always says her kids never acted bad or fought. She will
tell me my husband never left his clothes laying around when he was
at home (he did not have to, she was probably there to grab them the
minute they came off). She appears to be so nice, but there
are so many little ways she insults me that my husband does not even
notice. He says that is her way. She wanted me to have
more than one child because it would be awful to have only one, so
I did and had twins. Now she is hardly anywhere to be found.
I need help so bad. She lives 15 min. away, and doesn't work,
and put her father in a nursing home, but for some reason never has
time to help. Help me with my too nice MIL. This is not
even the beginning of it.
11/12
signed - MIL too nice ... NOT
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My MIL has tried to run
our lives ever since I married my husband. When we 1st moved
in together she asked me if I made his lunches for him? He was
22. I told her, "no way!" Then, at our wedding,
she took over the whole show. I let her, as I didn't want to
create friction. For our wedding gift, they agreed to buy us
a bedroom suite, which I thought was more than generous ... the catch
... they picked out our bedroom suite without asking us of we liked
it. It was horribly ugly. Then there was the time she
made me underwear and lingerie ... I was horrified when I saw the
gift. Why homemade underwear? My husband got a card and
$$$. She is a nurse, and every time she talks to me she uses
her medical terms as if she was better than me ... NOT. When
my daughter was born, she told me one day to go out and have a good
time, the baby would be fine with her, if she choked she would perform
cpr on her - she was a nurse you know. As you can imagine, they
didn't watch my children very often! We now live a good distance
away from them, and yet they are still trying to control us, and I
have decided that enough is enough, and let them know that NO means
NO! I have a million terrible MIL stories, but that in short
is just a few of the tasteless encounters with her. My husband
is adopted, and so I am relieved every day that he is not from the
same gene pool!!!!!
11/12
signed - not from same gene pool
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Note: We apologize,
but we were unable to match this reply up with any specific story.
Please reference "signed" statement exactly to ensure a
match.
Dear Jealous of Sister In Law - As I read this I am so sad.
I wonder if you are my younger sister in law that has, for the past
5 years, treated me this way. In the event that you are not,
please let me tell you what it does. I have experienced the
treatment that you have described, and it hurts quite bad. It
doesn't make me dislike my mother or father in law less, it just slowly
dissipates the relationship that I had hoped to have with my sister
in law. For the first year that I dated my husband, my sister
in law was 19. She seemed like a very sweet person. My
husband is from a European descent, so I thought she was raised to
do too much for him, and I would take up for her. Slowly but
surely it seemed like she turned on me. She has been very disrespectful
to my husband and myself on many occasions. Mostly to me.
So it definitely makes it look to myself and others that she is immature,
and has this deep seated need to be in the spotlight. I am not
trying to take attention away from her. I was only trying to
fit into a culture that I wasn't familiar with. I would only
love for she and I to be close. I had envisioned, in the beginning,
her as a younger sister. Sadly, I don't think that she will
ever be able to see that. Hopefully, one day when we have children
of our own, she will put away the need for attention to focus on the
true value of family, so my children and hers can be close.
Good luck to your situation. Please see what this does to people
and how horrible it must make you feel to know that you treat your
sister in law this way. Remember, she only wants to be close
to you. Give it a try. I bet you will become the best
of friends. Believe me ... that is all she wants in the whole
world.
11/12
signed - Jealous SIL response |
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Working Women Don't Have Wives