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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 12/01/01
<--Previous Archive
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Posted: 11-NOV-01
My FIL died suddenly a couple of months ago. I
opened my home to SIL and her family, and they proceeded to treat
me the same shabby way as before their loss. A few weeks later,
my mother died suddenly, and I received nothing from this twit (such
as a phone call or card). DH wants to overlook her behavior
and continue to invite her over. I don't want her in my home.
DH says that I'm "unfair" to him by not letting her come
over. I told him to go to her house to see her, but I don't
want her over here. He wants me to "find something to do"
for a few hours so she can come over. I DON'T want her in our
house!!! I think SIL is trying to drive me away. I can
use some advice, please, because I am so stunned from my loss and
I'm unaware of all my options.
Signed - I DON'T Want Her
In Our House!!!
RESPONSE: I DON'T Want Her In Our House!!!
Posted: 17-NOV-01
First off, I'm so sorry about your loss. I understand
your story completely, and boy can I relate. I lost my father
eight years ago. At the time, I'd been married to my husband
for 10 years. Of his three siblings, only his brother sent a
card. His two sisters (who were in town visiting when my father
passed away) didn't so much as pick up the phone. To add insult
to injury, my husband's birthday arrived a month later, and his youngest
sister sent him a card bragging about all the wonderful things in
her life, and wishing him a happy birthday. But, there was not
a peep about my loss. I was incredibly hurt and angry.
I can't imagine how much more angry I would have been had I opened
my heart and home to her during a time of loss for her, only to have
her ignore me in the same circumstances. I am a little surprised
your husband is not being more supportive. Does he understand
that you are not just angry at his sister, but are hurt by her actions?
How come he's not mad at her for treating you this way? Maybe
the two of you need to sit down and talk. You can explain how
you feel, calmly, and ask for his support. You're not asking
him to shut his sister out of his life. But, if he can't, at
least let his sister know it is NOT okay to treat you so poorly.
Maybe he can at least respect your wishes during your grief, and not
bring her to your home. I don't mean to add fuel to the fire,
but why is he more concerned about himself and his sister right now
and not you? Maybe the two of you need to get some counseling
before this gets to be a bigger problem. I know you may feel
this doesn't warrant counseling. But, believe me, I know from
experience that things like this can fester, and it's better to address
them now before they hurt your relationship in irreparable ways.
At the very least, I would stop trying with his sister. She
doesn't deserve your kindness or hospitality in the future.
If she does come to your home, I certainly wouldn't make any effort
to make her feel welcome. Good luck to you.
RESPONSE: I DON'T Want Her In Our House!!!
Posted: 17-NOV-01
He wants you to "find something to do" so
he can have his sister, who treated you like gum on her shoe, over?
Excuse me? Tell him that if he wants to have a "relationship"
with someone who obviously has no respect for HIS WIFE, that's his
business. But, under no circumstance is she welcome in your
house. And you will NOT "find something to do" (the
more I read that, the more steamed I get - the absolute cojones of
this guy!). SHE can leave. It is, after all, YOUR home.
Why should you leave for this twit? And, ask him this "If
this behavior was coming from an acquaintance, not a family member,
would you still tell me to "find something to do" so you
could visit with this person? Then, why are you doing this for
your sister, when you promised to love, honor, and cherish me?"
I think it's time to tell her AND HIM off. And, if he wants
her so damn much, he can do it somewhere else.
RESPONSE: I DON'T Want Her In Our House!!!
Posted: 18-NOV-01
So sorry about your loss. Why are you upset
that your SlL hasn't "sent her sympathies"? From your
post, it sounds like you never got along anyway. Did you think
this would change your relationship and that someone who wasn't kind
to you in the past would all of the sudden remember you in your grief?
I don't think this behavior of her not sending condolences warrants
you banning her from YOUR DH's home too. Am I missing something
else that happened? If so, and she has purposefully mistreated
or abused you outside of this little instance, you shouldn't have
to convince your DH about not having her in your home. It should
be his idea! Good luck.
RESPONSE: I DON'T Want Her In Our
House!!!
Posted: 18-NOV-01
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. What
an awful time to have such insensitive relatives. I can completely
understand why you don't want her there. I think if she wants
to visit her brother and you don't want to see her, then let them
go out. Why should you leave your home to accommodate her?
Or have your husband go visit her instead. Or another solution
is to try to talk to her. You may have done so, but maybe just
tell her how you feel. At least the truth will be known, and
if she doesn't care, then she won't want to come over, so it's solved.
Good luck!
RESPONSE: I DON'T Want Her In Our
House!!!
Posted: 18-NOV-01
I am so sorry for your loss. And I am just appalled
that your DH is so insensitive. How dare he ask YOU to leave
YOUR home so his selfish twit of a sister can visit!! Why isn't
he calling her on her behavior over the death of your father?
He should be demanding an explanation and apologies from his sister
for blowing off his wife at the most difficult time of her life!!
I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. My ILs treated
my father's death like it was no big deal. My MIL didn't come
to the wake or funeral, send me a card, call me, or anything!!
It is shocking behavior, especially when all you hear from these people
is "but we're faaaaamily" when it suits them. My DH
told his mother what he thought of her behavior, and, although she
had nothing but phony excuses for herself, it felt really good to
know that my DH let her know how disgusted he was by her lack of respect
for me. You have suffered a terrible loss, and are grieving
right now. You should not have to have ANYONE over, never mind
someone who has treated you so disrespectfully. Your DH should
be ashamed of himself for expecting you to leave your own home.
Ask him if he cares at all about your feelings, and if he thinks his
sister's behavior is appropriate. Then, tell him to grow a pair!!
I'm sorry, but you have my complete sympathy on this. Your DH
needs to get his priorities straight! Good luck, and again,
my deepest sympathy.
RESPONSE: I DON'T Want Her In Our House!!!
Posted: 19-NOV-01
You have had a very terrible loss. I give you
my fullest sympathy. It is terrible to lose your own mother.
Your SIL did lose her own father, but she did not have to be difficult.
You have already opened up your heart for her to heal. Now you
need to heal. DIL needs to realize that you two are your own
family now, and that you have both suffered a loss. As soul
mates, you need to heal together. Sorry I can't offer you advice.
But you have people who are listening to you in this forum and praying
for you.
RESPONSE: I DON'T Want Her In Our House!!!
Posted: 19-NOV-01
You both need to talk to counselors. I understand
that your DH wants to see his sis. However, I don't know why
it is so important that the meeting take place in your house.
Does he think this is a territory struggle between the two of you?
If it is, then the two of you need to come to some agreement.
For example, SIL can come over. However, you will be out at
the time, and you will NOT make any special arrangements so she can
come over. This is not going to get any better. You need
counseling. I suggest both marriage and grief counseling.
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Posted: 10-NOV-01
My future MIL is constantly pulling my fiancé
aside to talk "privately". She's always calling him
to say, "Come over, I have something to talk to you about,"
and she ends the conversation with, "Don't tell anyone about
what we talked about." This happens almost every weekend.
Most times, she'll just say that and leave it at that. But there
are other times when she actually goes as far as to say to my fiancé,
"Don't tell your girlfriend about what we talked about."
This really bothers me, but I don't know whether or not I have the
right to say something about it. I know that mothers and sons
have private talks, but it seems as though she is deliberately excluding
me from family issues. She also talks to him about ME, and swears
him to secrecy! This really irks me, because I feel that anything
said about me or concerning me TO HIM should be brought to my attention.
However, he feels that if he tells me something he swore to his mother
he wouldn't mention, it's betrayal to her. His reaction has
also been, "Do I have to tell you everything my mother and I
talk about?" What do I do about this??? HELP!
Signed - The Secret-Talking
MIL
RESPONSE: The Secret-Talking MIL
Posted: 17-NOV-01
Perhaps you could point out to your DF that it is
his mother who is putting him in the difficult situation, not you.
She should not be asking her son to keep secrets from you. You
are the primary person in his life now, and he should feel free to
tell you or not tell you whatever he wants to. Your future MIL
is the one making inappropriate demands of your DF, not you.
RESPONSE: The Secret-Talking MIL
Posted: 17-NOV-01
UGHHH! I went through this when I was dating
my husband, and even after we became engaged. It wasn't just
my MIL, but also my DH's two sisters. After we became engaged,
they were rude about that subject of them having "private talks"
with my H. It was almost like they wanted to flaunt their relationship
with him, and prove that I was excluded. Fortunately it went
mostly just one way - where they thought they had some special privilege
to this, but my H was annoyed at it and would tell me everything.
He even forwarded to me the emails they were sending him. He
was very upset with their behavior, and was turning to me to talk
about it. Unfortunately, a lot of the email was ABOUT ME!
I had always been nice to my SILs, but they apparently didn't want
me at certain family events. They just wanted their brother
alone. So, they sent awful emails to him about how I wasn't
guaranteed, but they were, about how they were blood, about how he'd
better not ignore them, 'cause they wouldn't forget it when things
don't work out with me, etc. My H always put me on the list
when he replied to them, and he addressed their immature behavior,
and told them to get with the program, because he loved me, was going
to marry me, and they'd better cut it out. Well, I also confronted
them about it, and they were so angry. They said that all of
that was, "between us and our brother, not YOU." I
quickly pointed out to them that we were going to be H and W very
shortly, and they'd better get used to us sharing everything.
I pointed out that when he is upset, he turns to me (and that THEY
upset him). And that is what husbands and wives do, they comfort
each other when one is upset. If we couldn't do that for each
other, then we probably have no business getting married. Similar
events happened with my MIL as well, where she attempted to have some
private relationship with my H. My H usually told me everything
they talked about, and I'd casually bring it up in conversation -
very lightheartedly for a few seconds. Then, I'd change the
subject quickly - JUST TO LET HER KNOW THAT HE SHARED IT WITH ME.
Anyway, we've been married for about 2 years now, and they've seemed
to accept that anything they tell him will most likely fall on my
ears. It's tough, though - I think in the very early stages
of our relationship, even though it upset him, my DH wasn't sure if
he should or should not be having private relationships/talks with
his mom or sisters about stuff that he couldn't share with me.
They tried to convince him that he should. Very shortly after
we married, he didn't think twice about it. He seemed to just
know that it wasn't right. I think your FDH needs to learn this
and start to phase in that behavior of sharing information from these
"private talks" with you. I think it is just an attempt
by your future MIL to continue to make her son see her as the priority,
and not YOU. If your H can't start to see through her, then
you should think twice about marrying him.
RESPONSE: The Secret-Talking MIL
Posted: 17-NOV-01
I think your answer to your fiancé should be
that no, you don't have to know everything that he and his mother
discuss. However, she has no business talking to him about you
and swearing him to secrecy. By allowing her to do this, he
is betraying YOU. You are his future wife, and it is not appropriate
for him to allow his mother to talk to him about you like that.
It is betraying YOU for him to allow her to speak about you and then
swear not to tell you! I think the two of you should consider
some premarital counseling about this. He may see your complaint
as a way of driving a wedge between him and his mother. He may
need to hear this from an objective third party. Deal with this
before you get married, or it becomes a much bigger problem!
Good luck.
RESPONSE: The Secret-Talking MIL
Posted: 18-NOV-01
There may not be anything you can do about it.
My DH and I have been together for 18 years now - 13 of them as a
married couple - and my MIL still does this. Most of the "secrets"
are so laughable that it's ridiculous. It helps a lot that my
DH thinks it's a joke too. He'll come home and whisper in my
ear, "Wanna hear another deep dark family secret? Aunt
X is going on a holiday/having a knee operation/going to see a heart
specialist (insert totally innocuous occasion here)." I
think she's just jealous of the closeness that we have, and is conscious
that there are things he and I share without telling her, and she
wants to have some of that with him. She does other stunts (which
I've already posted about here), but for this one I don't get angry
anymore. I just feel sorry for her. What a sad, pathetic
woman!
RESPONSE: The Secret-Talking MIL
Posted: 19-NOV-01
My MIL tried to pull the same sh!t with my husband.
Only it was over taking care of her father, who has Alzheimer's.
And I would have been responsible for him, not DH, because I stay
home, and don't work anywhere else but as slave labor here.
Fortunately, my DH arranged things so that he didn't talk to his mother
about the things she wanted to keep from me unless I was sitting right
there. That pissed her off to no end. But, it continues
- she still tries to separate us so she can tell him things I'm not
supposed to know about (because, according to her, I'm not HER faaaamily,
so I'm not HIS family, either). Whatever!
RESPONSE: The Secret-Talking MIL
Posted: 19-NOV-01
If you love this man and plan to marry him, then you
need to make sure he has cut the apron strings! Believe me,
if you don't, you will spend the rest of your life in misery, because
he will still see himself as her son more than he sees you as his
wife. He needs to decide whether he wants to grow up and take
a wife, or stay his mommy's little boy! She sounds like a real
control freak. The fact that she talks about you in these secret
meetings is unbelievable! If I were you, since I have become
more of a confrontational person and less a door mat in my own life,
I would confront my man, and tell him plainly that he has a choice.
If he picks you, you know he loves you enough to leave his mother.
If he chooses his mother, you know he never loved you enough to marry
you in the first place. It sounds hard, but it is SO true!
I would walk up with him to every one of their "Secret"
meetings from now on, too. Smile pleasantly, and act like it's
the most natural thing in the world to be there at your man's side.
If she tells you to leave, tell her your place is at his side, and
anything she says to him you should be able to hear too. Don't
give them the opportunity to be alone. You can at least keep
them from this rude and incredulous behavior when you are with them!
I can't believe some people. You will be miserable if you marry
him with things the way they are! Consider this your fair warning!
RESPONSE: The Secret-Talking MIL
Posted: 19-NOV-01
Mama's boy alert - run away while you still can.
Any husband worth his salt will always place his wife above his mother
- especially in private.
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Posted: 7-NOV-01
We live far away from MIL and my other ILs, and we
meet only once or twice a year. I dread the time we will have
to go and meet them. The thing is that my MIL is very manipulative.
She twists things which are nothing into something very big, and feeds
all that to my DH. She keeps all the b!tching for the right
time when she can have max support from everyone. Most of the
time it is when DH is complaining about something she has done wrong.
She manages to act "the injured party" by telling things
that happened years ago, and telling them in such a way that it is
impossible for DH to not agree with her. These incidents that
she talks about are nothing. So, in the end, she wins, because
against my DH's one complaint, she will bring 10 complaints about
that particular person, so that my DH has to stop talking about his
complaint. I am an observer of all this and can see what is
happening. Recently, she had a fight with her daughter and her
SIL. Now, the thing is that I know that what she did is wrong,
but when my DH told her that it was her fault, she, in turn, came
up with 10 different incidents so that my DH is now angry with his
sister instead of MIL. The fact is that whatever MIL was complaining
about is just a matter of perception. It's the same as if someone
says, for example, "You are looking beautiful today."
It does not mean that you look ugly the rest of the days. She
picks up the wrong interpretations, and pretends that the other person
has insulted her. This is when my DH has to agree with her,
because she makes it sound as if another person has really insulted
her. And, both of us have not heard the actual conversation,
so we cannot guess what was said. And, so, we have to believe
her. I know that she picks the wrong interpretations, because
she has done that too many times in front of me, and also to me sometimes
(small things 'til now, which I ignored). My problem is that
I know she does not like me. It is just a matter of time that
she is going to start bad mouthing about me to my DH. I trust
my DH to have good judgment, but it is not that easy. Most of
the respondents say that if he loves you, he will be with you.
But this is not really how it happens in real life. I am sure
he loves me, but he also loves his mother, and I do not expect that
he will not be influenced by her talk. The situation with my
SIL and MIL has really made me think of what I will do when she starts
talking like that about me. MY SIL is her own flesh and blood.
If she can do that to her, then who am I - someone who stole her son
(just like most of her kind, she did not want my DH to marry me).
Signed - Who Am I - Someone
Who Stole Her Son
RESPONSE: Who Am I - Someone Who Stole Her Son
Posted: 12-NOV-01
My boyfriend's mother is worse. She's already
bad mouthing me and my family to other people. I wonder what
she'll do to me when I am married to her son. She's just the
same as your MIL. She twists and turns everything to make it
sound really bad. I hate her so much! Luckily, my boyfriend
never listens to her.
RESPONSE: Who Am I - Someone Who Stole Her Son
Posted: 19-NOV-01
I hate my MIL too, and from the core of my heart.
RESPONSE: Who Am I - Someone Who
Stole Her Son
Posted: 19-NOV-01
I feel you should look at the situation (F still lives
at home and makes none-of-his-business statements to your DH about
how to run his life) as ridiculous and laugh it off. The guy's
an idiot, and he doesn't even see how big of a one he is. I
find a "Big Man" like that hilarious. What a jerk.
What a joke. Take his opinion for what it's worth and forget
it (which is what his opinion is worth). If I was still really
upset by it, the next time I saw F, I would look at him and start
laughing. If he asks why, I would tell him, "You had lots
of unrequested advice for DH about being a 'man' and making me work,
and I was just thinking about how you still live with your parents."
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Posted: 28-SEP-01
I really need advice. It's not about family,
it's about my husband's friend. They were best friends through
school (fourteen years ago). My DH went to see this friend a
few days ago. DH said they talked of various things. Then,
the conversation turned to work. This friend asked my DH why
he didn't MAKE me go out and get a job. My DH explained that
I work at home, and that he makes more than enough to support us.
Well, F keeps saying DH needs to MAKE me go out and get a job, make
me do this, or that. I was so ticked when I heard this.
Why do people think if you stay home, you don't work? This man
(and I use this word loosely) made his wife go out and work.
She wanted to stay home with their child. I wanted to call him
and tell him off. DH says to just blow it off. F is the
kind of person that believes the more money, the better. He
hasn't found out that it doesn't make you happy. Should I call
and give him a piece of my mind? Or just let it go? Oh,
I need to tell you a few more things about this person. He's
32 years old, married, and he has a 4 year old son. F and his
family live with F's mommy and daddy. He has a family of his
own, and won't move out of his parent's house. Then, he talks
about me not doing my part. Should I say something?
Signed - He Talks About
Me Not Doing My Part
RESPONSE: He Talks About Me Not Doing My Part
Posted: 12-NOV-01
Yes, you should tell that poor excuse of a human off.
And, for me, tell him where he can stick his comments, where to go,
and what's the fastest way to get there. What does he mean MAKE
his wife work? Taking care of children is a hard job.
Maybe he ought to try it. I don't have children of my own, but
I have a niece, and she and my older sister moved back in a few years
ago. I see how difficult it is. She works outside the
home, but then comes home to take care of her daughter. Imagine
how difficult that is?
RESPONSE: He Talks About Me Not Doing My Part
Posted: 19-NOV-01
No need to call him up. Sounds like your husband
sticks up for you, and as long as loser-boy isn't influencing your
husband's thoughts about your being at home, why worry? He's
probably jealous! If he ever says anything to you, though, I
wouldn't hesitate to give him a piece of my mind! You should
be proud that you are staying home and raising your kids, instead
of farming them out to someone else to raise so you can earn an extra
buck!
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Posted: 6-NOV-01
Dear Everyone: Thank you for sharing your stories.
I am really grateful to have a safe forum in which to discuss these
MIL issues. It also lessens the guilt I feel about not thinking
the best thoughts about my MIL. My fiancé and I have
been dating for 6 years. We are getting married next year in
the church of his family's faith, and the ceremony will be in accordance
with his family's cultural heritage. My parents are paying for
the entire wedding. My parents have been encouraging about this,
whereas his parents have vented about how expensive this wedding will
be. But, they do not offer to even pay a single cent.
My future MIL calls more than once every single day. She also
demands that I do all these chores for her son. Whenever he
and I have had an argument, she too gets angry at me and takes his
side. Both my fiancé and I are graduate students with
no money of our own. We are on total financial aid and barely
have enough for our living expenses. My fiancé and I
don't live together, but we share expenses. Recently, he didn't
have enough money in his bank account, and borrowed several thousand
dollars from me. Today, he told me that he is giving his mother
several thousand dollars. He gave her all his money last semester.
I feel guilty, because his parents are poor, and I shouldn't be attached
to money, but I don't spend it on luxuries! It is spent on food
and books. It puts an extra burden on my family as well, because
the money that my mother gives me ends up going to his family via
me. Then it goes through his family. It makes me feel
sad to burden my family like this, but they have more compared to
his family. MIL is always worrying about money. My fiancé
is unhappy in the professional school that we are in, and says that
it doesn't work for his future. He keeps telling me that he
won't give up the essentials for anyone, meaning the type of work
he really wants to do, and that I should think the same way.
Both of us will have multiple degrees under our belts as of next year,
but somehow I feel that I will be the one making the money, because
I don't want to hear his family complain about the money. A
few months ago, my fiancé said that he has doubts about marrying
me because he felt trapped. I told him that he is free and shouldn't
even feel guilty if he wants to break up with me, because we haven't
even been physically intimate all these years. I think I would
die if he broke up with me, but I don't show it because I want him
to be happy. However, he is very adamant about staying together.
I, too, want this relationship to work. But it has been miserable
to be estranged from everyone. From the culture that I come
from, the parents distance themselves from the daughter when she is
to get married (I think they also are trying to prepare to let go).
I feel jealous of my fiancé, because his parents are still
as close to him as ever - and he has not lost anything. If anything,
his mother is even more possessive now than ever before. Thank
you for listening.
Signed - His Mother Is
Even More Possessive Now
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 9-NOV-01
It doesn't sound fair that he borrowed money from
you (when you didn't even really have it to lend) and then gave it
to his mother. Are you HAPPY with him? Do you feel good?
At peace? At ease? Just because he is determined to marry
you doesn't mean you have to marry him. It's far less lonely
to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I live in the
US - if you are in another country, please forgive any misunderstanding
I might have of your culture. When I was young (in my early
20s), I was so afraid to break up with my boyfriends. I couldn't
imagine the future with the "right" man coming along.
If only I'd had more faith! I spent so long worrying.
And then, when I was 32 (or 33?), my husband came along! We've
been together, happily, for seven years. I'm SO glad I didn't
marry any of those boyfriends whom I was so afraid to lose!
I feel that if you have a bad feeling about marrying him, DON'T!!!!!
You'd be better off. Reach deep down and listen to your instincts
about it.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 10-NOV-01
I feel terrible about the situation you are in.
You don't seem happy at all! If I were you, I would postpone
the wedding. You seem to have serious doubts about your fiancé,
as well as his meddling mother. If you do marry your fiancé,
things will only get worse. He sounds like a true blue momma's
boy, and she will always come first. I'm not saying not to marry
this man, but you should wait. You two don't even have means
to support yourselves right now, and you also need to establish where
both sets of parents will be on your priority lists. Right now
MIL is #1 to your DF. Is this how you really want to live the
rest of your life? Please take time for yourself and think hard
about your future. Good luck, and keep posting! The message
board is a great place to tell your story and get lots of advice and
support.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 10-NOV-01
Take your losses and run!!! NOW!!! You
(and your family) are going to bankroll his family for the rest of
your lives. BF is never going to stop giving them money.
You WILL be second to his mother, who is only going to disrespect
you and treat you terribly. Six years is a long time to be with
someone who is taking advantage of you. You deserve better.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 10-NOV-01
I feel your pain. While I don't share the cultural
differences, we can all understand the sadness you feel. But,
this should be a happy time for your relationship. If things
aren't working now, you need to consider what it will be like when
you are married with children and the sh!t really hits the fan.
It doesn't sound like he will be very supportive of you. I also
don't agree that he should be sending your money to his parents.
If he feels that strongly about supporting them, then there are plenty
of part-time jobs he can get. I worked two jobs (one full time
and one part time) while I went to Engineering College. It wasn't
easy, but it was something I had to do. I would never expect
someone else to foot the bill for me or my family if I wasn't willing
to do EVERYTHING in my power as well. I am a strong advocate
of marriage, but with the limited info you've supplied, I am very
concerned and skeptical that this relationship will make you happy.
It's not too late to reconsider. Your happiness is way too important
to not look at all angles. Good luck!!!!!
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 10-NOV-01
I felt very badly for you when I read your story.
In some ways I can relate to your wedding plans woes. DH and
I got married in a Catholic Church (he is religious, I am not).
His mom, obviously, took this to mean that she could have her say
about everything else involving our wedding. However, my parents
paid for everything concerning the wedding, except for the chapel
fee and rehearsal dinner. My parents were also opinionated about
my wedding details. I hate to say that money talks, but at least
my parents were contributing to about 99% of the cost of the wedding.
I felt that they were entitled to have some say about the wedding,
but MIL did nothing but whine and make demands when she did not contribute
any money OR effort towards our wedding. We were married in
the city where my DH was brought up. My parents lived over two
hours away, but they helped me out more with errands the week of the
wedding. My MIL just kept whining that she "wished"
she could help me more, but she didn't even TRY to see what help I
might need. It was beyond annoying, especially since she went
around telling everyone that she "wished" she could help
me more! Geez, I guess she didn't want to make herself look
bad! It sounds like your DF is a mamma's boy - join the club.
My DH is the same way. If his MIL is being difficult now (especially
with the constant phone calls, asking for money all the time, etc.,),
she is only going to get worse when you are married. You mentioned
that your DF is unhappy about his situation right now. I know
that you and your DF have dated for a long time. However, if
there are this many complications before marriage, maybe you should
consider breaking off the wedding plans and taking some time to reevaluate
your relationship to see if you should continue or go your separate
ways. I truly wish you the best of luck. The situation
you are in is not easy. And I usually don't like to bring up
the idea of separation, but in your case it sounds like things are
already bad and will only get worse if you get married to this guy
and his high maintenance family. It would not be worth being
committed by marriage if it means that you will be completely miserable.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 10-NOV-01
I feel so sorry for you. What a horrible situation
you're in. You know, you really won't die if you don't stay
with him. And, just imagine how you will feel if you break up.
It can't possibly be as bad as your life will be if you stay together.
He and his family sound like garbage. Good luck to you.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 10-NOV-01
Don't get married!!! You and your DF are not
ready. Finish school, get jobs, and build a savings account
before you get married. You will also want counseling.
Also, if your DF keeps borrowing money from you to give to your MIL,
then you may have to make the difficult decision to ask your parents
to stop sending you money. That way, you'll have no money to
lend. I would also strongly suggest you get off aid and start
looking for a job. You are too dependent on other people for
support. This is yet another reason for not getting married
right now. You'll also want to sit down right now and have a
heart to heart conversation to your DF about MIL. You will have
to let him know that you, not her, are #1 in his life. And if
he cannot agree to that, and then turn around and tell his mom his
decision (and support you), the marriage is on hold. Please
don't get married. You don't have a strong enough foundation
to build a marriage.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 10-NOV-01
I can understand when you say that the girl's family
distances themselves from the girl's married life after her marriage,
and MILs get all possessive as if they have bought a DIL. My
MIL thinks that my parents did not do a good job as parents because
I have a lot more of an open minded perspective on life than she does.
She brought up her children the conservative way, so she has major
problems with having a DIL who is more modern. So, I will say
that if you think that after marriage things will change, they will
not. They are going to get worse. Before marriage you
feel you can handle it, but after some time it starts to get to you.
As far as money is concerned, do not marry 'til your DH is able to
earn a decent living. Or else you will be earning for his whole
family throughout life.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 10-NOV-01
RUN - Run as fast as you can. You will end up
supporting his family and HIM. He feels trapped - he's emotionally
swindling you into desperation. GET OUT NOW!!!
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 12-NOV-01
Your story gave me a lot of concern for you.
First off, you and your family are NOT responsible for supporting
your fiancé's family. What is your fiancé's plan
for paying you back the money he owes you? Is he making any
effort to pay you back? It sounds like the way you "share"
expenses is that you share with him and not the other way around.
This has to stop immediately. It's one thing to give your fiancé
a TEMPORARY loan, quite another for him to turn around and give that
money to his family. In the future, I either wouldn't loan him
the money or make it absolutely clear that it is for him, and you
are not a bank for his family. They are all adults and quite
capable of supporting themselves. If this angers your fiancé,
then I'm afraid that might be a HUGE red flag. I would strongly
suggest that you and your fiancé get some premarital counseling
IMMEDIATELY. There are several real threats to your future happiness
just in what you described. For example, does your husband plan
to keep helping his family financially after you marry? That
is not necessarily a bad thing, but the two of you need to have an
agreement about this, or you're just going to end up terribly resentful
and perhaps taken advantage of. Why does his mother know when
the two of you have a fight? If your fiancé is confiding
in her, he needs to stop that NOW. Why are you giving in to
the demands his mother makes on you for the chores you need to do
for him? Why is she making these demands on you? Your
fiancé is a big boy, isn't he? You are his fiancé,
not his slave. If he wants you to do him a favor, it's up to
him to ask, not his mom. I understand and respect that you want
to be on good terms with his mother and respect her, but start setting
boundaries now! Counseling can help you with these issues.
If this means you need to postpone the wedding, then losing the money
and temporary embarrassment is still far preferable to proceeding
before you're ready, and ending up in an unhappy marriage. Best
of luck to you, and I hope you will keep us posted.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 12-NOV-01
Wow, the only thought I had in my head while reading
your story was, "GET OUT NOW!" They will drain your
money and your psyche the rest of their lives.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 12-NOV-01
Short and sweet. Dump him and his family.
I know you have a lot of emotional ties with him, but what will your
life be like 5 years from now? His parents are not as well off
as yours? That's not your fault. It's not your fiancé's
fault. He IS getting an education in order to better himself,
which also translates to: Help take care of his parents.
Will he take care of you if you get married? I'm sorry, I don't
have a crystal ball. I'd have to say that he'll side with his
parents on everything. I hope you figure out what is best for
you. Good luck.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 13-NOV-01
I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I think that
it would be a blessing in disguise for you if your fiancé decided
to end your relationship. Reread your story, and pretend that
you are not the author. What would you advise the author to
do? Realize that if you marry this man, you will forever after
be responsible for supporting his family. Also, please give
up all guilt for feeling the way that you do. You are not wrong
about the money. You stated that, "It makes me feel sad
to burden my family like this, but they have more compared to his
family." Understand that is not your fault - or your family's
responsibility. I think that you are being manipulated, and
that your fiancé uses his "doubts" to distract from
the truth. I think that you need to carefully consider what
your instincts are already telling you, and have a serious discussion
with your intended.
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 13-NOV-01
Frankly, from all you have written, I think it wouldn't
be such a bad idea if you postponed your wedding. Your fiancé
doesn't seem very considerate of your feelings. He lets his
mother control him. And you are going to be stuck being the
breadwinner of the family, while he complains. If he complains
about feeling trapped now, what will he feel like after 5, 10, or
15 years of marriage. You can't force something to work if it's
not meant to be. You will just end up miserable. I would
tell you to reconsider marriage to your fiancé based on his
awful mother alone! Then, you add all the stuff about your fiancé
being controlled by his mom, him giving money to her, him feeling
trapped, how you'll be making the money, and then you are going to
have to "lose" your family after marriage. It does
not sound good. Please reconsider before you take those vows!!
You may have been with your fiancé many years and assumed you
would be married someday, but people do change, and you may very well
be better off without him. And you are certainly better off
without his horrid mom!
RESPONSE: His Mother Is Even More Possessive Now
Posted: 17-NOV-01
You are being taken advantage of financially.
It seems to me that you are just riding a wave that once had been
set in motion. Postpone the wedding, and ask yourself what YOU
want out of this. You shouldn't get married until at least a
year after your graduation. Also, when you say you would die
if your DF breaks up with you, consider that, after all, a wise woman
wants a man she can live with, not the man she can't live without.
RESPONSE From Poster: His Mother Is Even More Possessive
Now
Posted: 19-NOV-01
I'd like to thank everyone who wrote back. It
is one of the kindest things anyone has done for me. Thank you
for your advice, your stories, and also for being kind. I read
what I had written a few days later (I guess it was pretty desperate)
and know that it is easy to make fun of it. But you were understanding
- it's the first time I've ever confided in anyone. To the person
who asked: Yes, I am from another culture, and you can guess
where women are on the social hierarchy. To the other people
who responded: I am taking all your suggestions to heart, and
getting some spiritual (and financial) counseling on marriage now,
as suggested. And I feel less afraid now. I hope I can
lend a sympathetic ear to any stories that you have too. Again,
thank you from my heart.
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Posted: 20-AUG-01
We live 8 1/2 hours away from my MIL, step-FIL, and
SIL. There are five kids in the family, and my SIL is really
mean to me. She is 15 and she's jealous. Well, lately
she's been trying to steal him by making herself better than me, and
trying to get him to take her to things (movies and concerts) that
he would take me to (without me going along - it's convoluted, I know).
If I say something, she's always more this or that than I am.
One time, she was trying to tell me and my DH that she was more experienced
in life than I am. I balked and laughed at her, and told her
she's got to be kidding. My DH told me that she did have a "rougher"
childhood than I did. She has also said that she has had more
experience in bed than I have. 1.) I'm married.
2.) Her mom doesn't let her date because of her grades.
I know kids have more sexual experiences, but not this kid.
As far as doing stuff with my DH goes: In order to go to a popular
movie or concert, I have to specifically ask my DH to go with me.
If only he can go, but without me, we don't go. Well, there
have been three incidents lately. The first was Christmas last
year. SIL called and lied to him to get him to come over and
help his family with a project. I was working on Christmas dinner
with my folks, and I told him to go over and help them. He called
15 minutes later and said that they were going to a movie (one that
we were going to see when we got home four days later). I was
upset. He just shrugged it off. Then, this summer, he
went home (where our parents live) for a business trip, and went to
a popular summer movie, even though he knew I would be mad at him.
When I asked about it, he said that SIL was upset that he wanted to
go to a movie with me, so he took her to it to make up for instance
number three. Again, this summer a popular group was coming
to town, and he and I haven't been to a concert in ages. I got
tickets for us. SIL whined and cried and begged to go to the
concert with just him (in other words, take my ticket). I put
my foot down and he did to. DH said that this was a date, and
she wasn't invited. She said that we had been married for four
years and didn't have to go on dates anymore. It turns out that
she and BIL were also going to that same concert in their city.
Am I being petty, or is my SIL truly trying to get rid of me?
Signed - SIL Wants Me Out
of the Picture
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 1-SEP-01
How is she really a threat if she lives 8 1/2 hours
away? She does sound irritating, but she's only 15! You
should be the mature one here. Don't let her get you into a
competition over who has had more sexual experience, or any other
competition. Yes, if you bought concert tickets for you and
your husband, you should go with him. But, what's the harm in
letting him go to a movie with his sister? You say there have
been three incidents since Christmas. That was 8 months ago!
So what if he went to a movie with her when he was home for a business
trip. Go see the movie by yourself. She's 15. You
should be the adult here. There's no reason for you to be threatened
by a child!
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 1-SEP-01
Your SIL is just plain creepy. She wants more
than just a divorce, she wants to date her own brother! She's
behaving like a jealous mistress over him! I can tell you right
now that anything YOU do will have zero affect on this girl.
It's your DH who has to have a talk with her. In fact, DH needs
to stop with the gentle kid-gloves treatment, and explain FIRMLY to
this little witch that he does NOT need her permission to take out
his own wife! If he's unwilling to be firm with her, this might
be a matter for a counselor to settle. This girl should be going
out with her friends or out on dates if she's 15, not still playing
the tagalong sister. She needs help. And her insistence
on being alone with your husband is just bizarre. Don't let
her drive a wedge between you. Make sure DH cuts down on his
visits with her, if possible. He should be taking YOU out more,
not his siblings!
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 2-SEP-01
She's 15, you're an adult. Why do you feel you
need to compete with your SIL (do you honestly think she's trying
to steal your husband)? I think you're being petty and making
too much of a big a deal out of small incidents. If it bothers
you so much, though, I suggest you talk to her and your husband at
the same time. Let them know how you feel - maybe that will
help.
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 2-SEP-01
You are not being petty. My SIL is the same
as yours. She was 13 when we got married. For years, everyone
said that it was her age, and that she would grow up. She's
21 now. She's still the same way. She does back off when
she has a boyfriend. My husband has had to have many talks with
her. Ask your husband to watch out for this freaky behavior.
Explain to him that it hurts your feelings. Please keep us updated
on this. I wish you luck.
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 4-SEP-01
Here is the thing about most 15 year olds. They
tend to be very self-centered. She is still a kid. If
she wants to place herself in competition with you, fine. But
you don't have to participate. It's one thing if your DH is
breaking concrete plans with you to do something with her without
talking to you first. But, it sounds like that's not what is
happening. Recently, my DH went with a friend on a weekend fishing
trip. Sometime before this trip, a movie came out that we mentioned
wanting to see. Well, while he was away, my dad invited me to
go with him, my teenage sister, and her boyfriend to see the movie
that my DH and I had said we wanted to see. I went. And
no, my husband was not mad at me. You have to allow him to have
a relationship with his family. Just keep those boundaries in
place. One thing I have learned is to question myself before
I react to things with my DH's family. I have found that everything
they do irritates me, even when they are not really doing anything
wrong. Just keep in mind that you are the adult, and she is
the child - the whiney, selfish child. I think that your husband
wanting to have a relationship with her is a positive, and she will
learn some lessons along the way. I think it sounds like you
need to take a new perspective on the situation.
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 21-SEP-01
The first respondent hit the nail on the head.
Yes, your SIL sounds irritating, but YOU need to be the adult here.
Let her and her brother have some time together, and this "problem"
may just disappear. You and your DH should make it clear that
she needs to treat you with respect, but don't get into a silly competition
with a little girl. The second respondent, well what can I say?
Don't make this issue into something far bigger and more sinister
than it is. A healthy perspective is your first step to dealing
with this minor irritant. Your SIL is not "creepy"
for wanting to spend time with her brother. Bratty? Maybe.
Immature? Definitely. Rude? Yes. But creepy?
No. If she treats you rudely or with disrespect, your husband
should make it clear that this is NOT acceptable and will only serve
in making him want to spend LESS time with her. He should do
this nicely but firmly. Hopefully, she'll grow out of this soon.
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 22-SEP-01
To the respondents who told the poster that she was
being too paranoid and possessive, get a clue! Normal people
don't behave the way this 15-year-old sister does. Did YOU whine
and cry when YOUR older brother wanted to take his wife to a concert?
Did YOU keep a tally of how many "dates" your brother went
out on with his wife and INSIST that you, his sister, was also "owed"
X number of dates? Did YOU act like your brother's wife should
be less important in his life than YOU? Well, maybe you did.
That would explain your answers. Regardless of whether you acted
that way or not, that kind of behavior is twisted, and there's no
excuse for it. I don't care if the girl lives 1000 miles away
and only sees him once a year, her jealousy is inappropriate.
She needs to grow up and stop trying to interfere in her brother's
marriage. As for that husband, he needs to order a spinal cord
if he actually feels sorry for his whiny sister and feels like he
"owes" her a date just because he had the audacity to take
his own wife to a concert! This is not a normal family - this
is a very dysfunctional one.
RESPONSE From Poster: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 25-SEP-01
If I am being petty, then answer these questions:
1. My SIL does this whenever my DH and I go out, which is NOT
OFTEN. We're remodeling our home, so we don't go out that often.
We usually choose one or two things a month to do. Every time
there is something I want to do, she ends up doing the activity with
him. 2. Why does she try to sit between us, sit on his
lap, or hang on him? When I was fifteen, my brother was 19.
I NEVER HUNG ON MY BROTHER OR HIS FRIENDS!!! It's DISGUSTING.
3. Why did she tell a guy at a Cruise Booth at the State Fair
that she was married to him, and I was his younger sister? 4.
Why does she try to set him up with her little girl friends?
5. Why, at my own wedding, did she GLARE at me, and push me
out of the way in the pictures? I know the whole competition
thing is because she's young and wants to seem experienced, and I
do NOT stoop to her level while she tries to compete. What kind
of sister would tell her brother that she has more sexual experience
than his wife. Does anyone else in the group of people who are
saying that I am being petty and ridiculous FIND THAT A LITTLE ODD?!?
I don't mention anything that's private or none of her business.
I also do NOT see things changing. This is how controlling the
little witch is: She tells my BIL that she's going to commit
suicide (seriously) if he doesn't take her out, and he complies.
I try to tell DH that the relationship is damaging, and it will get
worse when we have kids - and he FEELS SORRY FOR HER.
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 28-OCT-01
To the 9-21-01 respondent: No, the SIL is not
"creepy" for wanting to spend time with her brother.
She is "creepy" because she is bragging about her sexual
expertise to her SIL. She is saying, in effect, that she is
"better" than the SIL ( i.e., more suitable wife material
for her brother than her SIL). You can go on and pretend this
is normal behavior, but I can assure you that it isn't. Girls
who have normal relationships with their brothers make plans to see
them, but don't DEMAND time alone, with wifey gone. And, they
certainly don't whine like a 2-year-old and tell big brother that
they HAVE to take them to the movies because they should get EVERYTHING
that the wife gets. Maybe this is the way things work in your
family, but that doesn't make it normal.
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 30-OCT-01
This girl is threatening to commit suicide?
Hmmmmmmmm, perhaps her brother, your husband, is WORRIED about her?
It's pretty obvious that this 15 year old child is unhappy and miserable,
and is acting out in inappropriate ways. She wants attention,
and doesn't know how to get it in a positive way. Was your life
perfect when you were a teenager? Were you happy? She
obviously isn't, which is why she's acting like this. This girl
needs help and support, which it sounds like her brother is trying
to give her. But, it sounds like you'd be happier if she just
did go ahead and kill herself, because then you could have your husband
all to yourself. You're the one being selfish, petty, and controlling
for not wanting your husband to help her. You sound like a horrible
person.
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 31-OCT-01
I think the last respondent was having a bad day.
Sometimes I have regretted things I've written when I've been having
a bad day. Don't let her hurt your feelings! You don't
sound like a horrible person at all. That's a real problem you're
dealing with. It would upset any sensitive person. Best
wishes to you. I know my heart would be very heavy in your situation
- it's a real toughie. I hope you've been finding the responses
helpful. I'm glad some of the others have had helpful insights.
I just feel badly for you.
RESPONSE From Poster: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 3-NOV-01
ORIGINAL POSTER: Here is an update: My
Step FIL died (her dad) of cancer. At his funeral, her friends
showed up, and she pointed out her brothers (my BIL and my DH) and
tried to hook them up. One of them asked me for a picture of
my DH. She was caught having cyber sex with a 25-year-old married
man. When MIL asked me what to do, I advised her that her relationship
with her brothers (and what she expected from her relationship) was
UNHEALTHY, and that she needed to find boyfriends/friends her own
age to socialize with. After catching her with this man, my
DH no longer does facilitate the abnormal relationship. In other
words, he tells her not to sit between us. When she says mean
things to me, he tells her off. He no longer babies her.
My BIL continues to go out with her, i.e., take her to movies, shopping,
and night clubs. I have no problems with my DH bonding with
my SIL, and she needs it right now. I am not a psychologist,
but I do think that her unhealthy relationship with her brothers have
something to do with her relationship with the older man. The
unfortunate turn in this story is that he wants to come see her, and
she gave him her address. I don't mind the close relationship.
I don't mind her and my husband doing things without me - in fact,
I ENCOURAGE it. But, what bothers me, is when she insists on
going to things that I want to go to with my husband alone.
I am his wife. I should not have to ask permission to go on
a date with my husband. If there is a movie or a concert that
I tell him I want to see, I shouldn't have to see it by myself because
he took his sister to it.
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 6-NOV-01
I'm the poster from September 22. I just wanted
to tell you that, after reading your additional posts, I wholeheartedly
agree that your SIL is a problem and has a very unhealthy attitude
toward her brothers. Did she really try to "fix them up"
at her father's funeral??? It's good that your husband has started
to see her behavior more objectively. The two of you should
talk about her and set some ground rules about how to handle her.
One question came to mind when I was reading your newer posts:
How does she KNOW what you and your husband are going to do?
And, what did you mean about having to ask her permission? Your
husband may be a big part of the problem here. If he is telling
her what you are planning to do, he needs to stop! If she finds
out or demands that he do it with her, he needs to tell her, "NO."
If he can't do this, then I suggest the two of you go for counseling.
You may also want to suggest to your MIL that SIL get some counseling!
Maybe if things get more normal, you can invite her alone from time
to time if you BOTH agree. But for now, SIL needs to get the
lesson that it is NOT okay to treat you poorly and that you are NOT
in competition. Good Luck.
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 10-NOV-01
The poster from October 30 is a beotch! Your
SIL is indeed creepy, and you are not a horrible person. My
SIL is 16 and worships the ground DH walks on. She has a small
shrine to him in her room. It's sick. I think she is a
very sheltered girl, and has no idea how to act around older people.
I have known her for over 7 years and she has ALWAYS lied about a
million things! She tells me about how she's made out with numerous
guys in the freezers at work (she has the body of a 23 year old and
it's going to get her into trouble), has booze hidden in her room,
and got caught smoking at camp. I'm not sure what to believe
anymore. She calls for DH about 1-2 times per week, asking him
to go to various concerts of unknown bands. The funny thing
is, when I answer the phone and DH isn't able to talk, I ask her if
she wants to leave a message and she never does. DH is the one
who tells me what she wants later. She does all of this sh!t,
and then tells me about how she's such a "devoted Christian",
and blah, blah. I think she seeks attention in the wrong ways
and is socially inept. Good luck with your SIL!
RESPONSE: SIL Wants Me Out of the Picture
Posted: 19-NOV-01
Oh dear. I do feel badly for your situation.
These people who are telling you you're petty don't seem to get the
picture. Your second post really should have nailed that home,
but, still, people call you petty. They must be 15-year-old
SILs with disgusting crushes on their brothers too! Why does
your husband allow his sister to act this way with him? Does
he just not want to see the truth? It would be hard to admit
that his sister has the hots for him. But I believe by what
you've said that he's seen too much evidence to deny it. If
he is trying to help her, he is going about it the wrong way!
He needs to reprimand her when she does these inappropriate, nasty
and/or revolting things, not encourage her by complying. My
thoughts are definitely with you. And I pray that this situation
can be resolved so EVERYONE is healthy and happy.
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Posted: 31-OCT-01
This isn't really about a MIL, but it kind of starts
out that way. My DH comes from a military family of three.
He is the middle child, having an older brother who is 1 year his
senior at 35, and a younger sister who is in her mid 20's. I
am in my late 20's, and my DH's family has plagued me from the beginning.
I fell in love with my DH, and we married after a year of dating.
My MIL was not happy about this, because she still held out hopes
for my DH to get back together with his ex-wife. They've been
divorced for 3 years. I was very upset that my DH would not
stand up for our relationship, and we ended up arguing a lot.
I tried to make friends with my MIL and SIL, but neither of them were
interested. This created more hurt and more contention between
DH and me. My BIL, on the other hand, was supportive and kind
from the beginning - trying to help everyone get along. BIL
and his wife were both supportive, and they even came to visit from
another state. While they were here, BIL and I ended up sleeping
together. Don't ask how we pulled that off. The connection
was made one night when everyone else was asleep, and we stayed up
talking. DH encouraged his brother and I to get to know one
another. Little did we all know, the "knowing one another"
was on a grand scale. No one knows about this, and I am living
with this guilt. BIL still emails me, and because we live so
far away, there isn't a chance for a reunion. But, the feelings
are there. Things haven't gotten any better with DH and I, and
his family is still cold towards me. I don't know what to do.
I feel like I am living someone else's life. The affair seems
to be my only good memory of this family. My DH and I were so
in love at one point (we've been married only a year!) and now it
is like pulling teeth to get him to sleep with me. I don't want
to leave. I said this was it for me (I've been divorced once
already), but I can't seem to stop thinking about my BIL. He
has been the only one who has seen my hurt in all this. There
are no children involved on either side. What now? (A
MIL's dream to get her baby boy away.)
Signed - Two-Timer
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 2-NOV-01
Your BIL is MARRIED!!!!! No wonder the family
hates you. Just reading your story was enough for me.
You slept with a married man with no concern about how it would effect
your DH, and, hello, his wife. Why would your DH sleep with
you? He probably senses that you have done this. People
often times do not need proof to know that something happened.
I bet BIL is still sleeping with his wife. Where does that leave
you? NOWHERE! So, what is this post about exactly?
My DH doesn't pay attention to me - BIL did - all I do is think unrealistic
thoughts of BIL. What is your fantasy here? To leave DH
- go to BIL - and he leaves his wife? Now there are two broken
homes. BIL will not be accepted in his family anymore - so then
that leaves just you and him. Wrong. Get real lady.
Do your DH a favor and leave him. Go far away from his family.
There is nothing there for you except a man who got a cheapie.
Does BIL have kids, too? Most affairs don't end up in a relationship.
If they do, they usually don't last. You need to find some self
worth. What were you thinking??????????
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 2-NOV-01
First of all, you get no sympathy for the situation
you're in, because you put yourself there. What were you thinking
by sleeping with your BIL?! If this sounds harsh, good.
It's supposed to. You need to come clean with your husband,
because he needs to know. You mentioned that BIL's wife was
also very supportive of you - is that how you repay someone who helps
you? You made your bed, and now you need to lie in it.
This is only going to give your MIL more ammo against you. Do
you want to fix this marriage or walk away from it? Don't stay
in it only because by walking away, it will seem as though MIL is
getting her son back. Good luck with whatever you decide!
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 2-NOV-01
I hope other respondents are helpful. You must
feel sick about it. I've made mistakes, too, and I know that
horrible feeling. My gut feeling is that you should never tell
your husband or anyone else. And if he is no longer in love
with you, maybe that's a blessing. I think that if I was in
your place, I'd feel that my only hope would be to let DH have his
freedom and start over. There will be another great man out
there (and another woman for him?). I cheated on my BF with
a married man before I met my husband, and I felt so sick about it.
You think you can't help it at the time, but the feelings afterward
are just the worst. I hope I learned a lesson. I told
my husband everything before we got married. And it's a true
"clean slate". I understand your feelings about your
memories of your BIL being the best about that whole family.
The married man I was with loved me so much more, appreciated me,
and was kinder to me than my boyfriend ever was. So, I actually
have much better memories of him than ANY of my boyfriends.
I understand it's a complex thing. If there's any lesson from
this, it's how horrible you feel after cheating, and how it JUST ISN'T
WORTH IT. I never knew any of that before. I never thought
I'd be someone who would do it too. It looks like such an ugly
thing when other people do it. I used to be really naive about
having men "friends" and being alone with men, etc.
But, when you're attracted to each other, it's dangerous. I
thought I was above that, but I wasn't. I guess these are all
good lessons. Well, I'm rooting for you. Maybe other respondents
have other suggestions. I'd say, try to make a new start.
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 2-NOV-01
Reading your post - it sounds like you already made
up your mind.
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 2-NOV-01
You slept with your BIL? Do you plan on telling
H or MIL?
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 2-NOV-01
GET REALISTIC, AND SNAP OUT OF IT! The only
reason you have thoughts and fantasies about your BIL is because there
are fundamental problems with your marriage, not because there is
any possibility of a real relationship with your BIL. Try to
realistically imagine what might happen if you decided to pursue a
relationship with BIL. What a nightmare! But, most importantly,
I'm not even sure that you have real feelings for BIL at all.
Rather, I think that your fantasies about him are only a way of distracting
you from (and masking) your flawed marriage. You and your husband
need counseling, NOW, to talk about the issues in your marriage.
What is going on that has made the "true love" fade so quickly?
Why is DH so reluctant to make love to you? What urged you to
sleep with your BIL? It's possible that, during the counseling,
your DH will learn the truth about your affair with BIL. It's
possible that you and the therapist together will decide that DH need
not know the full truth. But, the goal must be to dig deep to
find the real problems plaguing your marriage, and to fix them.
And, by the way, you simply MAY NOT pursue a relationship with BIL,
or EVER sleep with (or even flirt with) him ever again. That
behavior is unacceptable, and it MUST STOP NOW.
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 2-NOV-01
Please listen and think about what I have to say.
You don't have an in-law problem, you have a moral and ethical bankruptcy
yourself. Do you seriously romanticize a man who would sleep
with his brother's wife, and cherish the thought of "being"
with him? What about him? Do you honestly think he dreams
of "being" with a woman who he knows is capable of sleeping
with her husband's brother? In some societies this is incest.
How destructive do you want to be in your life? Get some help,
now!!!!!!
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 3-NOV-01
He is not sleeping with you because he knows about
your affair. He doesn't want to face the truth. Your BIL
cheated on a wife that you yourself said was caring and supportive
towards you. And you cheated on your brand spanking new husband
who you claimed to be madly in love with. No wonder you are
on your 2nd, but not final (my guess), marriage. I wonder if
your husband's last divorce was caused by his brother sleeping with
his wife? You don't have what it takes to keep a marriage together.
This isn't about an in-law problem. It is about a needy woman
with no self control. Do your husband a favor and leave him.
If you then choose to break up your BIL's marriage, go for it, as
you will be doing his wife a favor. Your BIL and you deserve
each other. Neither of you understand anything about commitment.
So, soon enough in the future, you two will end up breaking up as
well. Yes, my response is very rude and unsupportive, but this
is not about in-laws. It is about being unfaithful and I make
no apology for my views. Most of the women here value their
DH so much that they are prepared to put up with in-laws from hell.
You are a wife from hell in this case.
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 3-NOV-01
Please do your husband a big favor and divorce him.
Your kind BIL was not very kind to his own brother, and betrayed him
in the worst possible way. Please don't confess to your husband.
Just get out of his and your BIL's lives. Many people will be
hurt if you continue a relationship with your BIL.
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 5-NOV-01
Obviously, you aren't happy. If you were happy,
you would have had the self control to say no. If you two were
really in love, you wouldn't have slept with your BIL. It sounds
like, if you stay with DH, you are both going to be unhappy.
If you do tell him what happened, you will probably tear his family
apart. But you did make a huge mistake, and you need to pay
for it. In my opinion, you should probably get a divorce.
What you did is worse than cheating. For god sakes, you slept
with his brother. How would you feel if the tables were turned?
RESPONSE From Poster: Two-timer
Posted: 5-NOV-01
In response to the people who seem to think I have
no ethical or moral values - you are wrong. If I had none, why
would this bother me so much? I am not thinking of getting together
with my BIL. I am not naive by any account thinking it could
work. I am ashamed at what I did, and my DH has no idea about
it either. I highly doubt anyone in this world has had a perfect
marriage, and at least I am brave enough to admit I made some grave
mistakes and try to correct them. The fact of the matter is,
I don't want to leave my DH. I love him, but his not wanting
to sleep with me came WAY before BIL was in the picture. What
can I say? I screwed up. I want to make things work with
DH, but I can't be the only one trying. This is not all about
me, and it is not all about DH either. It is about a marriage
working as a unity, and I have not felt we were in a "unity"
for a long time. I am not condoning what I did, but I am saying
that if there weren't problems with DH, and there weren't problems
with BIL and his wife, we wouldn't be where we are now. I'm
sure a lot of you posters out there know what it is like to feel as
if you are the only one who ever cares or makes an effort. I
made that effort from day one, and continue to do so. I didn't
cross a line first. MIL did it by trying to get DH and his ex-wife
back together. DH did, with not explaining to his mommy that
he was in love with me and ONLY me. And BIL and I did, because
we found tawdry solace in each other. That was betrayal on DH's
part. Bottom line is, I am not looking for sympathy or justification,
but perhaps a hint of understanding from a stranger. If all
you are able to do is exile me to he!! on this site, please don't
bother writing in. I live with it every day of my life.
Thank you.
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 7-NOV-01
YOU MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!! Having problems in
a marriage is no excuse for infidelity. Not only is your marriage
in grave trouble now, but so is BIL's. You have a lot of nerve
feeling sorry for yourself now. You want advice? Tell
your DH the truth, get couple's counseling (if he cares to work this
out), and get individual therapy to work on that low self esteem.
You don't need to sleep with someone or cheat on your spouse to feel
validated and important. If you were so miserable, you should
have separated from your DH before sleeping with anyone else.
And, if you had an ounce of self respect, you would have NEVER slept
with a married man who's wife was in another room after she came to
your home to help support you!
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 8-NOV-01
This is my first time responding to this story.
I didn't respond before because I wasn't sure what you wanted from
us. I understand your situation better after you wrote in again.
I'm sorry, but sometimes when a person tries to keep a story short
for the readers (and thank you for trying), there is some very valuable
information left out. I understand much better now. Your
first post did put me off, and it sounds like it had the same effect
on other DILs. So many of us work and worry ourselves half to
death for many years to get along and not give the in-laws ammunition
to use against us. And, your first post didn't provide those
details - just that you were unhappy and slept with BIL and now you
think about him and don't know what to do. I'm sorry - I know
I am paraphrasing, but that is exactly how my mind perceived your
post. I know, now, how hard you had it, and how hard you worked.
And, I can relate better. I worked SO hard on my relationship
with my IN-LAWS for almost 20 years, and all I got was grief and hurt.
I have one BIL who is always kind and nice, and there had been a couple
times I had admired how he stood up to his family while my DH didn't.
We have been alone many times, and I do find him attractive, and was
pretty sure, at times, that he was feeling some of what I was feeling
while we were alone talking. But, I never forgot that he was
my BIL and off bounds. I realize we all make mistakes, and you
made a doozy. I'm sorry. Have you and/or your DH tried
counseling? It sounds like your marriage needs it. I don't
think you should tell DH about you and BIL, but I may be in a minority.
I think you should break off all contact with BIL that does not involve
all 4 adults. Forgive yourself, and go on. Ann Landers
even says that confessing an indiscretion only makes the confessor
feel better. I would get some counseling to help you forgive
yourself and get an idea of which way to go in your marriage.
Then, maybe after you feel better, it could become more joint counseling,
with your DH joining you. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 10-NOV-01
You don't need a MIL site for the kind of problems
you are having. Yes, you are right. People do deserve
a 2nd chance, but with the magnitude of your mistake, I'll bet it
would still be over. How awkward things will be when you do
see BIL again. Can you trust yourself not to be tempted again?
I sure hope that you find the peace in your life that you so desperately
need. I hope that this is one of the biggest learning experiences
of your life. I am speaking from experience here. My ex
SIL slept with my other brother too. What a nightmare.
It destroyed my brother's relationship for a long time. But,
in the end, she was the one who they got rid of. Just something
to think about because this is BIL's blood brother. He may eventually
feel guilty enough to tell him!
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 11-NOV-01
Actually, I understand some of the situation that
you are in, and maybe a little bit of how you got there. I am
in my mid 30's, and my wife is in her late 20's. I've been in
the military for 15 years, and we have been married 2 years.
My wife's family (especially her mother and father) have never approved
of our marriage because I'm in the military. Ironically, they
are more upset with the fact that I actually earn money, since, from
the first day that I was introduced to them, they were trying to teach
me how to defraud the government for more welfare money and state
assistance. My parents have not been in my life for about ten
years for reasons too varied to get into here. This is my wife's
second marriage. Her first husband had no job, and basically
thought my wife's parents controlled how the earth moved around the
sun. Her parents loved him, since he would spend 24 hours a
day telling them how terrific they were. Her parents ignored
the fact that he was abusive to her at almost all levels. I
found out about it from them, since they proudly told stories of their
dear ex son-in-law and how he treated their daughter. They still
encourage her to "visit" him and try to work things out.
They also demand that "their daughter" come over at least
twice a week and cater to their every whim. I have tried for
years to get my wife to stand up for herself and stop allowing her
parents to control her. She refuses counseling, as her parents
might object if they found out. Recently, she has turned away
from what I had thought had started out as a terrific relationship.
For the last 6 months, she has refused to have any sexual relations,
and several times she has even slept in the guest room to get away
from even being near me. She tells me it isn't me, but she refuses
to talk about any reasons. I have tried to help her personally,
and tried to arrange help for her. She has refused it all.
I'm sure that her behavior has been heavily influenced by the treatment
she has received from both her parents and her ex. After months
of this, I am feeling isolated, helpless, and confused. The
part that you might relate to the most was during the first trip I
made for the military while married. When I left, I was afraid
of what was going to happen to my wife, since it was for 3 weeks.
But, she refused to leave her family and come with me. Early
in the trip, I was eating at a nice restaurant. The waitress
came over and started to flirt with me. It not only amazed me,
as I'm not the most handsome of men, but also because it made me feel
less lonely. Over the space of several weeks, we ended up developing
a very close relationship, even though I told her I was married.
I did not sleep with her. Instead, she was filling the void
of companionship in my life that my wife refused to fill. I
feel guilty, because I have been back with my wife for 2 weeks and
can't stop thinking about the waitress, and wishing in many way that
I had slept with her. The situation at home hasn't changed.
It is much harder for me now that I have seen that someone else would
be more than willing to have a full relationship with me. I
think that, for a long time you have had a big void in your life.
You miss your "old" husband, and are feeling betrayed at
his lack of interest in you and the relationship. When your
BIL was being understanding, he temporarily filled the void.
And your need was great enough that you took a chance at having your
loneliness put aside, even if it was for only one night. In
hindsight, I do think it was a mistake for you to sleep with your
BIL. However, I know the desperation you were feeling when the
decision was made. I would not call it tawdry solace or lack
of self control. The 3 weeks I was in the company of someone
that cared to interact with me was both heaven and he!!. I don't
know why I did not take advantage of the situation. It wasn't
my moral fiber that stopped me. I couldn't tell you what did.
I can tell you that at the moment you chose to sleep with your BIL,
you didn't have any wrong or right choices. Unfortunately, you
have consequences. I am coming to understand that I might never
be able to help my wife. Maybe I will be forced to move on with
my life also. I do know that I will be forcing a change soon.
I think that you have forced a change on yourself. You must
look at the situation and determine if your husband/relationship is
worth the pain of telling him what you did and staying there for the
confrontation. It might hurt his family, but it sounds as if
his family is hiding from the truth, and it will come out later (even
if you leave without telling). You must also decide, as I do,
if the relationship will ever get better, or if can you live with
it the way it is (I don't think so, but it is your choice).
I hope that my input has helped out in some ways. I'd actually
like to know what you decide and what happens.
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 17-NOV-01
Yup. It was a doozy. Now, forgive yourself
and move on. You need to do some soul searching and decide now
if a marriage with your DH is what you want. If you aren't up
for the fight, then divorce may be a good option. If you truly
do love DH and want to stay married to him for the rest of your life,
then you have an uphill battle and a lot of work to do. First,
you have to forgive yourself. You also have to set up strict
rules for contact that you will have with other men. I used
to be pretty confident that men and women could be friends.
Now I don't even allow that temptation in my life. I will not
ride in a car alone, even. I don't want any temptation, and
I don't want people to get any bad perceptions. Second, you
need counseling for yourself and your husband, to address the problems
that were there way before the cheating. Third, NEVER reveal
your indiscretion to anyone but your maker (not even the counselor).
It was a private sin that should be privately confessed and forgotten.
Good luck. You are not a bad person. You are simply a
person who had needs that weren't being met. Contrary to what
most posters on this board believe, we are ALL capable of falling
into that trap!!! You are not an immoral person. Learn
a life lesson from this and get back on track. GOD BLESS!
RESPONSE: Two-timer
Posted: 18-NOV-01
I have to admit, my first reaction was to pass judgment
on your behavior. However, I think your explanation, as well
as that of the gentleman who posted in response to your story, made
me understand a bit about your dilemma. First, if your DH isn't
willing to get some help or talk to you about your marital issues,
you are limited to what you can do. But be patient. Assuming
your marriage is truly based on "for better or worse", please
don't give up, and keep the lines of communication OPEN! Give
him some time, keep talking to him, see a counselor if you must -
even if he isn't ready to. Keep the faith. It may take
some time, but it is worth it, isn't it? If you can, acknowledge
to him that you recognize that you have marital problems, that you
want to take your part in the responsibility for them and FIX THEM,
and that you want to continue to build your relationship with him.
Tell him you need his help, and will do whatever it takes!!
Tell him you can't do this without him, and ask him what he wants
and needs in order to begin the process of repair. I don't take
infidelity lightly, and I honestly don't know how I would react if
my DH had an affair. I wouldn't recommend you tell your DH about
the affair, but that is your decision. I see that most, not
all, of the time, infidelity is a symptom of other problems in the
marriage, and BOTH husband and wife hold responsibility for it.
I don't need to tell you about the horrible way you handled yourself.
You obviously see that and feel horrible about it. But, don't
beat yourself up about it anymore. FORGIVE YOURSELF, and if
you are a spiritual person, pray for forgiveness. And, maybe
talk to a priest or someone about it. Go about repairing your
marriage! Your problems obviously existed BEFORE your affair.
Good luck.
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Posted: 10-NOV-01
I am a cold fish, ice-queen DIL. Let me explain
to those overbearing, smothering MILs why some DILs become ice-queens
in your presence. My MIL, for reasons I cannot even fathom,
has taken it upon herself that I "need help", and she insists
on giving it. She "helps" me by constantly offering
unsolicited advice, makes inappropriate comments at inopportune times,
and likes to ask me a lot of personal questions - not out of any genuine
interest, but more to try to engage me in an unwanted conversation
with her. Unlike Ms. Big Mouth, I am a naturally quiet and private
person. Because she is not used to people who aren't chatterbrains
(and tell their life story and air their dirty linen immediately upon
meeting a stranger), there must be something wrong with me.
Therefore, I "need her help". I have no idea why she
came to this conclusion. She once called me up to ask about
a debt program I use (which I prefer to keep to myself). Unfortunately,
my husband made the mistake of telling her this, so now the whole
world knows. She was telling one of her friends about how I
use it, and that she will ask me about it and let her know if it's
a good program for her. OK, first of all, it really bugs me
that she blabs to her crazy friends about MY financial situation.
And, for another, I'm annoyed that she couldn't bother to just look
the company up in the yellow pages. She asks ME for advice,
not because she really wants or needs it, but because she's trying
to "help" me - see. By asking me for advice, she seems
to think that this will give me a much-needed boost in self-esteem
(again, where did she even get this idea? Believe me, I don't
have a problem with my self-esteem!). And, I can't believe that
she is a therapist, no less! She doesn't realize that the more
she pushes me or tries to "help" me, the more I want to
run away from her. I don't understand where she picked up this
concept that I needed "help". Her presumptuousness
baffles and offends me. Another way of her "helping"
me is to constantly fawn over me with unnatural enthusiasm bordering
on insincerity, whic | |
