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Archives 12/2/00
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 11/29
Note:  This story moved here from last week due to receipt of a new response.

Oh man ... here come the holidays again.  I dread them because of my husband's mother.  She is never satisfied.  Of course, we see my family also.  It was our year to have Christmas dinner with his family, but we made sure she knew we were going to stop by my family's house first that morning.  Well, she forbid us to eat anything while at my parent's house.  Needless to say, when we arrived at her home she tried to force food down our necks.  When I told her we had "picked" at my mom's she was furious.  Dinner was still 3 hours away, and she was just testing to see if we ate at my family's house.  She made the rest of the day miserable because of that.  OH THIS WONDERFUL TIME OF YEAR!!!!!
 11/21
                 signed - wonderful time of the year

RESPONSE:  Re: Wonderful Time of the Year
I know what you mean.  My husband and I usually host Christmas Day at our home for about 15 of his relatives.  Since I'll be 8 months pregnant this year, we decided to just have parents and grandparents over for a light dinner.  The MIL is not happy about this.  She keeps insisting that we must have the traditional turkey, stuffing, potatoes, pies, etc.  She is disabled and cannot handle hosting Christmas dinner, and no one else in the family has offered.  So in my opinion she has no right to complain.  She can like it or lump it! 

When my MIL opened her Christmas gift from me last year (gourmet candy) she said, "Thank you. I realize it's the LITTLE things in life that matter."  She always buys very expensive gifts for everyone, but then tells us all how much they cost!

Our MIL's have forgotten what Christmas is all about.  Try not to let her demands and petty complaints dampen your holiday.  Eat, drink and be merry!
 11/29
Dear webmaster,
This morning I submitted a response using the story entry page.  I was in the thisweek page, but could not find the link to the response page.  I did the next best thing: I saw the story entry button on the left and used it.

I think there are at least two options to correct this:  a. put a response button on the left side b. always check to see that there's a response link on the thisweek page

I enjoy your site!
 11/29
Webmaster Response:  Thank you for the kind words, and for pointing this out!  We have corrected this.  Every signature is now followed by a link to our story response page.
Wow!  I am so glad I found this web site.  Now I know I'm not alone.  I've been married for 4 years, and I have the MIL from ... who knows where!  Literally ... my FIL and Bro IL are fine.  It's just this woman.  If I have an opinion of my own (which we all do, don't we?) and express it ... it better be what she is thinking too.  If not, she gives me looks and makes comments as if I was crazy for having a mind of my own.

This is the big problem.  My ILs are people who go away EVERY single weekend in the summer to a camp on a lake.  It's very nice, beautiful, and sometimes peaceful ... when I'm there with only my husband.  Let's just say that NEVER happens.  We own a home with a beautiful yard that I love to "sun" in and care for.  The ILs don't understand why on Earth I would want to stay home when I could go to the lake and be with them.  I do go to the lake and bite my tongue all weekend, afraid to say something that might offend someone.  My MIL had a conversation with me one year ago picking apart the past 8 years of conversations I had with people specifically at the lake.  She told me that I should change my tone of voice, and that I should be so thankful to have a place to go to ... yeah, and be torn up and spit out!  The bedroom my husband and I have is big enough for the double bed and the dresser that is in there.  That's it.  There's about a 12 inch space on either side of the bed, literally, so we can't move much, and it is far from private.  I made my husband put a roof on the room this past summer, so that helped a little.  But, it's also right next to the IL's bedroom AND his aunt and uncle's bedroom.  Yes ... it's a family ordeal!  Now that means that every weekend that we are at the lake my husband and I can't be intimate unless we want everyone to know.  That's one reason I don't like going up there.

The other reason is because there are sooooo many people around all the time.  It's the 2 sets of aunt, uncles, 5 cousins, 2 brothers, 1 MIL, 1 FIL, and a family of 13 friends from across the lake.  This is the group of people that gets together EVERY weekend at the lake.  Talk about nice, quiet, relaxing time to spend with my husband ... NOT!  We can't breathe.  Now, do any of you see why I sometimes would rather stay home instead of head up to the lake with the 20 other people that go there?  I work 40 hours a week, and the weekend is the time that my husband and I like to go out and have fun and spend time together.  Now, don't get me wrong, we do have fun at the lake sometimes, but usually I'm being watched and evaluated by my MIL, so who could enjoy themselves with that going on?  Am I over-reacting?
 11/28
                 signed - Big-Deal-Outta-Nothin

RESPONSE:  RE: big deal outta nothin
I think that you and your husband should decide to only go to the lake 2 or 3 times next year, and let the ILs know.  You could go at the beginning and end of the summer, and maybe one other time.  There are no rules that say you must go with them all the time at the expense of having your own life.
 11/29
RESPONSE:  This is a response for "Big deal outta nothin'."
It seems as if they want you to spend way too much time with them.  Doesn't your Husband feel like your Mil is trying to run your lives???  He should be the one to tell her that she is expecting too much and you two deserve some alone time.  I wouldn't be able to take that.  My Mil always wants to know where we are all the time.  If we are planning on going camping for a weekend, she has to show up.  She does this to all her kids.  I think she is afraid to let any of them have any time alone together or as a family.  I stopped going when I thought she'd show up.  Best of luck!
 11/29
RESPONSE:  response to Big Deal out of Nothin:
I think that you should spend your time doing what you enjoy best, staying at home.  If you really have to go to the lake, make it for as short a period of time as possible.  Have a good excuse cooked up with your husband and stick to your story.  As adults, you do have the right to come and go, or stay put, as you please.  If MIL doesn't like it, she can lump it.
 11/29
Well, Thanksgiving went well, yeah, right.  My mom is leaving for England in two weeks, and so I will not be able to spend Christmas or New Year's Eve with her, and I have never missed a holiday in my life.  So, I told my DH that for Thanksgiving we are spending the WHOLE time with my mom (His mother CANNOT even cook, anyways).   Well, he was supportive until Saturday when he took our daughter to his mom's house to spend the day and night until we picked her up on Sunday.  Okay, I can deal with that.  It gave me a whole day alone with my mom.  Well, Sunday morning we were going to pick up our daughter and I specifically told DH that we were not driving out of our way to pick her up.  His parents were going to meet us somewhere along the way (they live about 40min off of the main interstate, and I KNEW if we went to their house they would keep us there for at least two hours).  So his parents said let's meet at the grandfather's retirement home.  I smelled a trap.  HELLO, we were going to have to visit.  So we waited twenty minutes for them to show up (it takes them only 15min to get there) and then I sat around (my DH was wandering, not even conversing with his family) with my MIL who was constantly washing my daughter's hands, but then let her play with money!!  Anyways, so for 40 min. I was checking my watch every 2 minutes.   THEN, we were leaving, about to pick up fast food for our daughter and drive the 3 hour trip home, when his parents insisted that we eat together.  My daughter takes 40 min. just to eat!!  Then, my FIL said, "Well, next time you come down South you should visit us."  Hello, I gave you my husband and daughter for a day and a half ... what else do they want from me??  The whole freaking holiday??!!  They are going to have a fit when I tell them that we are not spending Christmas with them.  Good grief.  Anyone who is even thinking of getting married: make sure your future ILs are either dead or in another country!!
 11/27
                 signed - What more do they want?

RESPONSE:  This is a response to "Married to Brad Pitt..." and also to "What more do they want?".
This word is the word I call my Mil, but it sounds like you should use it.  Instead of mother, I call her Smother!!!  Seems fitting to me!! Good Luck.
 11/28
Dear Dr. Apter,  My mother-in-law is coming to visit us in a month.  This is going to be the first time she visits me and my husband since we were married a little over a year ago.  I could see from the few times I spent in her house that she could be a very controlling person.  She never bothered to ask me, this time, whether it would be a good time for us if she visits around the time she will be visiting, because she thinks she is entitled to visit her son whenever she likes.  I happened to be leaving for a conference around half of the time she will be visiting (she will be visiting for a week).  I am just concerned that she will be taking over my house in my absence, and that would set some bad patterns that I will have to put up with during future visits.  I want to set up my rules for her around the house because of my religious tradition, such as that there should be no pork or alcohol in the house.  I already spoke to my husband about this and he supports me, however, he is always afraid of hurting her feelings.  But I strongly believe that communicating this to her would be important, prior to her visit, just to avoid any conflicts.  I thought of writing her a letter in which I apologize for not being at home for part of her stay, but say that I will appreciate her not using any pork or alcohol in the house.  But, I am also concerned that that might hurt her feelings.  I would very much appreciate your advice about this.  Many thanks.
 11/27
                 signed - Want To Set My Rules

Addendum:  This is a message for the coordinator of this site.  I entered a story last week asking for advice about my mil's future visit and how to let her know that I don't use pork or alcohol in my house.  My story never got posted.  I was wondering ... [what happened.  If] ... my story just got lost somehow, please ignore this message.
Addendum Response:  We just want you to understand what happened.  We received the same exact entry twice - once via the Ask Dr. Apter submission screen and once via the Story Entry submission screen.  Since both began "Dear Dr. Apter" we considered the Story Entry screen submission to be accidental.  Sorry for the confusion.  Your story has already been sent to Dr. Apter for a reply, which will be posted as soon as we receive it.

RESPONSE:  response to "Want To Set My Rules"
I am currently in the middle of the same thing.  There are several situations where I feel that I need to establish the routine at my house in order for MIL and other family members to realize that we do not do things and handle our home and family the way that they do.  I feel that we have been walked on by them on a number of occasions, and I don't like it, nor am I going to put up with it.  The problem with "setting rules", though, is that once they know that you are very specific about certain things, they will likely go against your wishes out of spite, or simply out of disrespect.  If you tell your MIL that you don't allow things like pork and alcohol to be served in your home, she might very well just show up with a roasted pork dinner and a bottle of wine to with it.

My own MIL bought my husband a curio cabinet for Xmas last year.  My husband told her he liked the wood finished ones, so she went and bought a black one, which doesn't match one single thing in our home. 
She only decided to buy this for him after she saw a shelf unit that I had some of my own things on.  It was an old shelf unit that my mother gave me only because I didn't have room for some of my collectibles.  So MIL decides that her son absolutely MUST have a place for his things too, and proceeds to buy him this thing that matches none of our other furniture.  They DID have the same cabinet in wood, also, but she just had to choose black.

I have since told my husband that, while there's nothing we can do about this particular thing, I will not let this happen again.  I do not want her choosing the decor for our home.  The very least she could have done was checked with me (or both of us) before she bought it, since it would be going in OUR home.  But, no, that would mean that she'd be giving up control, and we just CAN'T have that, now, can we?

However, if you don't mention something to her about your wishes, she just may do it anyway, so it sounds like the proverbial rock and hard place.  Maybe just tell her that you would rather that she visit another time, when you and your husband will both be there.  Of course, being a MIL, she is probably on pins and needles to get there and have you gone so that she can be with her son without you there.
 11/28
Note:  This story moved here from 5/20 Archives due to receipt of a new response.

My mil lives five miles away from us, and for 10 years I put up with her almost daily visits and constant griping about my housecleaning habits and my cooking.  We have been trying to have children for a few years now with no success, and she was always making snide remarks about her friends, and the fun that they have with their own grandchildren.  This was infuriating, and my husband did speak to her with no success.  She is soooo heartless.

The s*& * finally hit the fan last summer when she started about her, "Someday, maybe being a grandmother" and I finally let her know exactly what I thought of her, and her unannounced visits.  I did not use tactful language, I admit, but this woman drove me to the breaking point.  She stood staring at me with her mouth agape, as if shocked, and I told her to get out of my house.

As she was leaving she muttered under her breath and called me a "b&* %".  I lost it.  I am not a violent person, and what I did next still shocks me to this day, but I smacked her.  More than once.  Dh ran into the house (he had been in the garden) and literally had to pull me off of her.  I broke her glasses and her nose.  Yes, I did overreact, but this woman drove me nuts, and I finally lost my temper.

This blowup nearly cost me my marriage.  I have not spoken to the mil since, and she no longer visits, which is fine with me.  Dh calls her, and visits her when he wants to see her.  Again, I am not a violent person, but she pushed me too far.  I was wondering if any other women out there have been pushed to the breaking point as I was.

                signed - Breaking Point

RESPONSE:  Re: Violent person.
There is no excuse for your behavior.  You are an adult, & as unpopular as this may seem, you need to act like one.  Yes, the MIL was going on & on about a sore subject.  Yes, she probably was acting rudely.  That still gives you zero latitude to behave the way you did.  By behaving this way, you've taken the focus of your legitimate concern away.  No one will care what you are feeling, including hubby.  You owe your MIL & your husband an apology, & a big one!!!  You need to grow up, face that what you did was wrong, & take your medicine for the sake of your marriage.  If your MIL is forgiving, then maybe you will be able to mend the relationship to the point of speaking.  I'm not sure that most people would ever be able to forget the actions that you took.  That was the mother in me coming out.  I hope no one reads your story & thinks that it is ever ok to behave like that.

RESPONSE:  
Dear Breaking point.  I can empathize with you about the incident with your mother in law.  My mother in law is the same way.  Although I never struck her, their have been times I lost it and told her how much I hate her.  She doesn't talk to me, either.  But I don't care, because her son has a violent temper.  He drinks all the time, is greedy and self-centered, and through all that I have been through with him, my mil never once stuck up for me, just blamed me for it.  I have tried to be nice to this woman, but there will never be any way that I could ever please her.  She has always been difficult, and I think the reason her kids are violent and drink all the time is because they have always had to please her.  She never cared about the way that her son treated me.  In fact, a few times he almost killed me, and she just overlooked it.  My mil and fil cover up everything bad their kids do.  It has made me feel hopeless and emotionally drained, because of what I have been through.  I am currently attending college to earn my degree so I can get out of this unhappy marriage.

RESPONSE:  Response to Violent Person
What you did was entirely wrong.  People are going to do things that might make you angry, but you can control your anger.  I am surprised that your husband even stayed with you after you treated his mother that way.  I cannot imagine ever hitting mine, even though I may get hurt and angry.  You definitely owe her an apology, and you may want to see about getting some help with anger management.  This is the way things like road rage get started - people aren't always going to respond the way you want them to.  You just have to accept that and ignore it.  You can control your anger if you want.

RESPONSE:  No, I have never actually hit her, but after reading your story I will have something to fantasize about!!  Thanks.  Good for you!!!

RESPONSE:  Responding to Not a VIOLENT mom - I've been in that position, although I did not follow through.  My MIL, after years of various controlling demands and innuendos, bluntly woke me up at 7 am one morning, after one of her visits (she lives 10 hours away) (THANK YOU LORD), anyway, to tell me the REAL TRUTH ABOUT ME, and that my one year old daughter would be better off dead than have me for a mother.  My daughter has health problems and almost died.  I am an everyday stay at home good mom, and she decides to tell me this.  It turned very verbally violent.  I'm now CELEBRATING MY 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF NEVER SEEING HER AGAIN!  She left the house, screaming that I almost killed her.  Never laid a hand on her, but it came so close to that ... if she would not have left my home at that moment, I'm certain I would have broken her nose too!  YEAH - THEY PUSH AND PUSH until one day ... Boom!  Then they try to go and get a pity party going for themselves - telling others they were only trying to help, and offering advice on ways to be better.  She's never coming to our home again.  She's never laid eyes on my one year old son, and that was the last time she saw my daughter!  So, she will live out the rest of her life alone, miserable, and wallowing in pity.  I will ask her IF HER HURTFUL WAYS WERE ALL WORTH IT ONE DAY ... AT HER FUNERAL!  There is far more to life than to inflict pain and heartache.

My husband supports me 10000% because he's seen it all first hand.  MIL always told others DH would pick her side if it ever came down to it.  Not once did DH ever consider taking her side.  It's his daughter too - that she wished dead.

Sometimes, MILs have to learn lessons the hard way.  Sometimes, MILs have to be treated like a toddler.  THESE ARE THE RULES, LIKE IT OR LUMP IT.  IF YOU WANT TO BE IN OUR LIVES YOU SHOW RESPECT FOR MY SPOUSE, FAMILY & KIDS.  DON'T BUTT YOUR NOSE IN UNLESS WE COME TO YOU FOR ADVICE.  THIS IS THE WAY IT IS, PERIOD ... EXACTLY LIKE A TODDLER.  You get privileges if you follow the rules.  If you don't, these are the consequences.

Anyway, NON_VIOLENT mom, don't worry.  Go on with your life.  Make a good life for yourself, kids & DH.  The best REVENGE IN THIS WORLD TO ANYONE THAT HURTS YOU, LIVE A GOOD AND HAPPY HAPPY LIFE.  MY DH & I ARE SUCCEEDING VERY WELL IN BEING A HAPPY, WELL ADJUSTED FAMILY, AND THAT SOMEHOW HURTS HER MORE.  WE SHOULD BE FEELING PAIN & GUILT for not allowing her in our lives, but we DON"T.  We decided long ago that she has choices from here on in, she made her bed and she has to sleep in it.  We did not cause any of this heartache, and our happiness is worth far more than her controlling obsessive ways.

Here's a wish from everyday mommy - LIVE LIFE AND ENJOY IT, BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL.  NEVER STOOP DOWN TO HER LEVEL AGAIN, AND THAT WILL TAKE ALL CONTROL FROM HER.  FORGIVE HER, AND TRY NOT TO HAVE anymore BAD DAYS - think of it as this: you will be giving her your happiness if you let yourself get down about it!  YOU DON'T WANT HER TO TAKE ANYTHING ELSE AWAY FROM YOU.  All the best to you!

RESPONSE:  In response to Not a violent person.
From reading your story it is clear that you were horrified by your actions.  We know physical violence is wrong.  We also know that emotional abuse is wrong, too.  Your mother in law was abusing you emotionally, you abused her physically.  Obviously, no one was right here.  But, from the stories I read in response here, my main concern is that the husbands are not leaving their mothers and cleaving (bonding) to their wives.  I fully expect my son to cleave to his wife.  Whether I like her or not is NOT the point.  My job of raising him is done.  Now, I get to see what kind of job he will do.  *smile*  He will make mistakes.  I certainly did!  It is my hope, as I treat the both of them with love and honor, our relationship will grow better each year.

RESPONSE:  To the daughter-in-law who “lost it”:
Everyone makes mistakes, and you are no exception … You felt forced to bite your tongue while you tolerated your MIL’s verbal beatings for too long, and you were bound to snap sooner or later.  Resentment is anger gone rotten, and when you let your anger build up to that stage, it can be volatile, even dangerous.  I certainly understand your outrage, although it’s never a good idea to physically hit someone.  I relate to you, though, as well as to many of the other victimized daughters-in-law on this site.  I am so relieved to know that there are other women out there who feel slighted by their MIL the way I do.  It’s nice to know that we don’t have to suffer in silence.  My MIL actually liked me at first.  She approved of me to marry her son, but that was 7 years ago. Now, my MIL and I barely speak to each other.  When I do see her (occasionally), we are cordial at best.  I don’t know if she changed or if I changed, but I do know that I view her as my enemy now.  I started to resent her about 6 months after we were married.  She started meddling in our financial affairs, giving us unsought advice all the time, putting us down for not having college degrees, and comparing us to my husband’s other siblings who had degrees and who were doing better than us.  The point was to make us feel inadequate.  She would call non-stop and try to pump me for information on how we were doing financially, and on our relationship (all under the guise of ‘concerned mother’).  I trusted her (my mistake!) and told her once that we had a big fight.  Later, she used it against me and told me that my husband and I were just dreamers in an unrealistic, unhealthy relationship.  I tried talking to my husband about it, but he thought I was just being overly-sensitive.  (Sound familiar, ladies?)  I almost started to think I was crazy, or that her aggression was my imagination.  Lately, she’s been sending me literature on how to be a better person.  She’s competing with my cooking. And she is excluding me.

RESPONSE:  Breaking Point
Good for you!  And I understand.  I do have a family in law from hell.  I can't even say which one is worse than the other.  I wish I could have the opportunity to do to them what you did to your MIL!  His entire family have made my life absolutely miserable.  They say I want to kill my husband because he is fat and because he is an alcoholic.  He has been an alcoholic for 15 years, and we got married two years ago.  And he has been fat for the past 7 years!  Now, everything is my fault!  They also say I want all his money, and he is not even rich.  We have been working really hard to have whatever we have.  By the way, by the time we got married my place was completely set up and his was not.  He moved into my place, and now, according to them, I own him everything.  B**&%  is the kindest word I've heard from them.  If any of you know if I can go to the police, lawyer, or whatever person to finish with this ordeal just let me know.  I just want to give them a lesson.  They are wrong, and there is no way anybody can tell them because everybody is scared about them.  Boy, if I smacked them, that's nothing!  They are just toxic personalities trying to ruin my life because I caught them.
11/24
                signed - want to finish this ordeal (response to breaking point)

RESPONSE:  Dear breaking point,
Good for you!!!  I love it, I love it, I love it.  I just wish I had the same chance as you did.  Except that, my MIL is sneaky and does her sh*t through other people, so she keeps her hands clean.  I'd like just one shot at her.  I'd break her nose, plus some.  I'd clean her clock good before anyone could stop me.  If I had to go to jail, so what.  It would be worth it.  I envy you.  Gives me something to fantasize about.  Good for you.  Don't have any regrets.  If anyone says anything, tell them to go f*** themselves.
 11/27
RESPONSE:  This is in response to "Breaking Point."
Sometimes people need to hear a dose of reality to shut them up!  I can't believe the nerve of these, along with my, MIL's!  She just kept up with the comments after your H talked to her.  What a heartless bitch!  You are not alone in being fed up.  I got fed up with my Mil's unannounced visits, too.  I had asked her on many occasions to call first, and told her that I had also informed my father of this rule.  It didn't do any good, so I sent her a nasty letter about her ignoring my repeated requests, and a few other of her nosy habits.  But I am the one who is supposed to apologize, a cold day in hell!!!  I also am not talking to her.  My H and our child visit her at his parents home.  She didn't respect my feelings, and now I don't have to deal with her!!!  That was something I secretly gave thanks for on Thanksgiving day!!!
 11/28
My MIL is a real bother.  She doesn't like me, and the feeling is mutual.  Basically, our lives are separate and visits are few.  However, I have to share this embarrassing story.  I had just accepted a new job in a management position, something I had gone to school for and worked hard to get.  The company is great and I was very excited about making a good impression with my new co-workers and upper management.  In steps MIL!!!  On hearing of my new job and new employer, she realizes that she owns one of the products we produce.  And, wouldn't you know it, - she decides after five years of heavy use of one of the products we sell, that hers is faulty.  She proceeds to call our customer service line and raise h-e-double l's.  Then, when the service rep states to her that she could not use a product for five years and expect a refund or new one, she uses my name and position as her backing.  She then insists on speaking with the owner or President of the company.

You could only imagine my embarrassment when the President of the company wants to know if I knew this crazy lady.  Unfortunately, I had to claim her, but insisted that she was being treated for mental illnesses and had an aggression problem.  I was also very honest and said that she and I had never spoken of this or any other problems with our products, and furthermore, I knew she was the type to want something for nothing.  Thank God the Big Boss was very patient, and laughed and said he had the same problems with his MIL.  MIL never got her new replacement or money back (the item was not faulty, it was just heavily used and damaged because of her lack of care).  To this day, she continually reminds me or my husband that I "cheated" her out of what she "deserved", and I am greedy because I didn't help her.
 11/27
                 signed- Managed the MIL
To all of you who have given out spare keys to your family:  You have just set yourselves up for grief!  Good God.  Get the keys back, or have the locks changed if you can't face them, or they won't give them back.  If they ask why you did this, explain that they were taking advantage of the keys and no longer have the right to have them.  An emergency is not nosing around in the morning, or doing their laundry.  Since they can't be trusted, you and your husband will from now on be the only ones with keys.  This will solve a lot of problems that you basically started yourselves by trusting that they would use them wisely.  I have been married 10 years and there has yet to be an "emergency" that someone else needed the keys to my house.
 11/27
                 signed - change the locks
My fiancé and I have had some problems with his mother in the past, and they came to a head this summer.  She not only refused to speak with either of us, but refused all of our attempts to communicate and reason with her.  She ended with a nasty letter to us in which she stated that she wanted no further contact with either of us, warned that we would not be together long without problems and that my fiancé would not have her any more, etc.  The problem now is that my fiancé is very ill.  He has spent the past few days in the hospital and spent Thanksgiving Day having emergency surgery.  He pulled through just fine, thank God, but the whole time I wondered if I should have tried to contact her.  I know I would want to know if my child was ill, however, I would never tell my child not to call me.  I think that if I got in touch now she would be angry that she wasn't called earlier.  My fiancé did not want to call her so I figured it was his decision.  She does have a way of treating him as if he were still a little boy and taking charge in a very arrogant way.  I figured the poor guy is sick enough, and I wanted him to have some peace.  Did I do the right thing?  How terrible these family feuds are when you feel like you can't even have the love and support of your family at times like these.  Well ... we have each other ... but it just doesn't seem right.  Any comments?
 11/24
                 signed - family feud

RESPONSE:  This is a response to "Family Feud."
In my opinion, you did the right thing.  If you would have called her, a bunch of different negative things probably would've happened anyways.  She probably would've caused a big scene and made everything out to be your fault!  So, even if you feel bad for him, you probably saved both of you a lot of heartache.  Good Luck!
 11/26
RESPONSE:  Re: Family Feud:
I wouldn't call this woman if I were you.  She obviously wouldn't appreciate it, and you don't need the added stress.  I learned a long time ago that "no good deed goes unpunished" as far as MILs are concerned.  Don't feel guilty about your decision, especially if your husband didn't want her to be contacted in the first place.  You did the right thing for both you and your husband.  I'm glad that he's feeling better.  Take care!
 11/27
This may seem like a bizarre story, but I need to share it, and ask for advice and if anyone else has experienced this with their MIL.  It seems that EVERY time we are at my IL's, or they are at our house, my MIL has this obsession with whether or not my son's diaper is "wet" and needs to be changed.  I have not confronted her on this like I should, but I do interject by saying something like, "NO.  He's fine.  He was just changed,"  or something similar.  She irritates the hell out of me.  I feel it's as if she doesn't think I change him often enough, or like she has to check that he doesn't have a rash, or just checking for "something" to criticize or gripe about in general.  I do not like it when she does this, and she did it TWICE tonight (Thanksgiving).  I just about came unglued.  DH thinks it's weird too.  Any thoughts or advice is very much appreciated.  I just don't understand her constant need to be concerned with his diaper!  LOL
 11/24
                 signed - her wet diaper obsession

RESPONSE:  re: Her wet diaper obsession
I know EXACTLY how you feel!  I must say that you are lucky it's only about a wet diaper, because my mil is obsessed with every decision I make for my 4 month old daughter.  The latest has been mil arguing with me about what my daughter will wear for Christmas.  Every time I see mil she has something to say about what my daughter is wearing or what she prefers her to wear.  It really is stupid, but it irritates the hell out of me.  I think you are doing what you need to do when you say he's fine.  If it doesn't let up though, you are probably going to have to just confront her about the whole issue, & that should definitely solve the problem.  My mil also had an obsession with wanting to microwave my daughters bottle (she takes them fine at room temp), so I did the same thing you are doing.  One time she actually took the nipple off the bottle to microwave it, and I said very sternly, "She takes them fine the way they are!!!"  I haven't had one problem with that again.  I am probably going to just have to tell her about treating my daughter like a Barbie doll, & to quit worrying about what she is wearing all the time!  Good Luck
 11/26
RESPONSE:  Re: Her wet diaper obsession:
My MIL did the same thing to me when my daughter was a baby, only her question was, "When was the last time she ate?"  EVERY SINGLE TIME we got together those were the first words out of her mouth.  I found it an insult towards my mothering skills.  Needless to say, it got old really fast.  So I would say, "Right before you got here" or "right before we came over."  Sometimes I wouldn't say anything at all, and even walked out of the room with a deep sigh.  That seemed to work for me.  I know it's hard when you just want to scream, "I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MY OWN BABY!"  Hopefully, your MIL will get the hint and you can avoid a major confrontation.  Good luck!
 11/27
I had an incredibly joyous childhood, and my family and I particularly enjoyed the Xmas holidays.  Over the last seven years that I have been with my husband, my in-laws have managed to completely destroy this happy occasion.  I tend to think that my MIL is a total control freak.  After reading this story, could someone respond and tell me if perhaps it's just me????

It was Xmas 1996, the first time that we would spend Xmas with my in-laws as a couple.  Everything began in October when my MIL began asking for money to help pay for gifts that she had picked out.  Not wanting to stir up any animosity, I went along with this plan. (She thinks that everyone should get 1 big gift).  Inadvertently, her sister told me that I was getting a microwave for Xmas.  My kitchen, at the time, was EXTREMELY small, and I would have no place to put it - notwithstanding the fact that I enjoy gourmet cooking and have never seen a need for a microwave.  Needless to say, Xmas went off pretty smoothly with everyone getting one large gift, all bought by her.  Thankfully I never got the microwave.

The next year, in October, I expressed to my husband that I did not want to pitch in to the "GIFT FUND".  I found this a very strange practice and I felt totally left out of the "shopping spree frenzy" the previous year.  He agreed with me, and we sat down and discussed what we would get everybody, and we agreed to stick to our plan.

Well, the phone calls began in November.  Firstly, she wanted us to pitch into purchasing a bed sheet suite for her Dad.  I explained what my husband and I had already planned, and told her that we would not be pitching in this year.  She was angry because the in-laws could not afford it on their own!  Secondly, she phoned about a week later to inform me that they were buying their (check this one out!) 16 yr old son a large fish aquarium for THEIR dining room - a kid who has never had any interest in fish before.  Needless to say, I once again repeated what my husband and my intentions were, and that NO we would not be pitching in.

A few days later my FIL came to the house to speak PRIVATELY with my husband.  I, of course, listened in to their conversation!  My FIL got angry with my husband because I was trying to destroy his wife's Xmas plans.  Thankfully, my husband stuck to his guns and stated that if the in-laws were so intent on squashing our joy, he would cut them a check for the amount of money they needed, but don't expect us for Xmas.  Nothing was spoken again.  Well, guess what I got for Xmas - a microwave!!!  The heartbreaker, though, was the look on my brother in law's face when he got his aquarium.  I felt so bad that after the Xmas holidays I went out an purchased some stuff that he really wanted.

Well, my MIL seemed to have gotten the message about not pitching in with gifts, because she never bothered me in 1998.  However, she did notice that my husband and I had never used our microwave.  Guess what I got for Xmas that year - a microwave cart!!!

Last year she phoned me early in the holiday season and told me that she had cleaned out her linen cupboard.  "What color is your bedroom, because I want to give you some used sheets?"  I told her that I did not want her sheets because I had PLENTY, and certainly did not need any more.  She insisted.  I said, "No, I have plenty, and please do not send them home with my husband since I do NOT want them."  I still vividly recall this conversation - I must have said no 10 times, but she kept insisting.  Well, guess what I got for Xmas - a new set of bed sheets!!  She explained that she was so insistent on Xmas day because she wanted to buy me these new sheets!  I still can't understand what part of "no" did I not make clear, regardless of whether she was going to give me old sheets or buy me new one's!!!

Well, Xmas is almost here, and I am literally in knots just wondering what fiasco will transpire this year.  My biggest frustration is the fact that she does not even ask what we need or would like.  I would rather not have anything at all - just a happy Xmas - with no control.
 11/22
                 signed - Can anyone match my MIL????

RESPONSE:  This is a response to "Can anyone match my MIL?"
No, I cannot match her in this area, I'm happy to say!  It is wrong for someone to expect you to put in for a gift.  It should be something people come to a prior agreement on.  Also, in giving you gifts that you do not have the room/use for, maybe she's trying to irritate you, thinks you could use them, or is just plain stupid.  You never know what goes on in the minds of other people!  I'm not sure this will help you out any, but you aren't the only one who gets irritated by your MIL.  Best of Luck to you.  Maybe you should have a few cocktails to relax you before you go over to her house!!!  HA HA!
 11/23
RESPONSE:  Can anyone match my MIL????
Why complain over Christmas presents?  If that is the only problem you have, count yourself lucky.  Some people can complain over the most selfish things.
 11/27
Overly Sensitive?

After finding this site I now realize that my MIL is not that bad!  However, I still have a few complaints.  I have been brought up in a very loving and warm family, and so I am used to my mum making everyone feel welcome.  Getting used to my future MIL is very hard for me.  I know that she likes me, and I know that she is over the moon that her Son is marrying me, but she is quite a hard/harsh person (I have secretly named her Ice Queen) and she comes across as being very cold.

I really want to be a part of her family, and I want my fiancé to be a part of mine, which he is, but my MIL really keeps pushing me out.  I have read lots of complaints on this site about interfering MIL's, but I have the opposite problem!  Once, at a family birthday of my fiancé's family, I wasn't allowed in any of the photos - I was only allowed to take them!  I don't know if I am being out of order, but I was really hurt, especially as I had been dating my now fiancé for three years!  I know that my mum would never make anyone feel left out like that, so to me it seemed a mean thing to do!  One main problem is that my fiancé cannot see anything wrong.  He thinks that I am being overly sensitive.  I feel hurt that he cant see my point of view - he just sticks up for his mum.  I don't want to say bad things about his family, as I know it would hurt me if he was to say bad things about my family.  One thing that worries me is that she has a photo frame of her daughter's wedding with a selection of photos - of her, husband, my fiancé (her son) and her daughter, the bride.  No photo of the groom, just her family.  If she does this to me, I think I will go into a big depression!  I would love it if she would call me up occasionally - go to lunch, etc.  I don't know if she is like this with everybody, or just me - I make so much effort and we do get along - but she makes my place very clear!  I love my fiancé so much, but this is really getting to be so much that I don't know if I want to be a part of HIS family.

Please help, anyone - I need advice quick!
 11/22
                 signed - Am I Overly Sensitive?

RESPONSE:  This is a response to "Am I being overly sensitive?"
In my opinion, you are not being overly sensitive.  I have a friend who's MIL does the same thing for the pictures, and it drives her crazy and I can see her point.  We just talked about her dreading it yesterday, since Thanksgiving and the holidays, and she is already anticipating the heartbreak of it all.  About feeling left out, maybe she realizes it bothers you and is trying all the more.  Just act like you could care less, easier said than done, but it might make her stop.  Maybe if she thinks it doesn't bother you, she won't do it anymore.  Good Luck!!!
 11/23
RESPONSE:  Response to Am I Overly Sensitive?
I don't think you are.  Your fiancé's mother should get over the fact that her son is growing up and you are a integral part of "his" family.

Maybe, if you have your (future) ILs over at your place for some occasion, pull your camera out, and tell her you want a family picture taken.  Then, when she starts posing for a photo, tell her that by "family" you meant you and your fiancé, and ask her to take the picture.  Maybe she would get to see how it feels to be excluded.
 11/24
RESPONSE:  In response to "Am I overly sensitive"
You are not!  It sounds like you are very young and very much in love with your future DH.  This should be the best of times for you.  He should be pampering you and supporting you.  He should make you feel like a queen.  Once you get married, everything begins to deteriorate.  I think it is because men think that they "own" their wives.  The honeymoon will be over sooner than you think.  If he is being this insensitive now, you are in for a bumpy ride.  After marriage, he will stand up for you less and less in front of his mother.  Naturally, you will resent this terribly and your relationship will deteriorate rapidly.  I would think long and hard before I marry this "mama's boy".  "Been there.  Done that."
 11/26
RESPONSE:  RE: AM I BEING OVERLY SENSITIVE?
N0 - you are NOT being overly sensitive at all.  I think your future MIL is trying to (indirectly) let you know where your place in the family is.  By excluding you from being in the "family pictures", she is sending a clear message that you are not a "real" family member, and that is so hurtful!  My mom would never dream of making someone feel left out like that ... family member or not.  Whoever was around always got to be in the picture.  So I think your MIL is being very MEAN with this.  Whether this will change or not after you’re married, I don’t know.  I don’t think it looks promising.  My MIL was over the moon that I was marrying her son, too, but she did and still does exclude me from the family pictures.  I am only included in some of the family pictures, but most of them, I am not.  To be honest, this is just one way of many that she now uses to be disrespectful to me.  Our relationship has deteriorated, and I don’t like her anymore for obvious reasons.  I hope for your sake that your MIL turns out to be different. GOOD LUCK! J
 11/27
There is a kind of satisfaction in cribbing about in laws and whoever irritates you, and after having suffered three years in silence, which nearly took my life and my self away from me, I can vouch for the fact.  Yet, now, I am reconciled to the mom (I never wanted to call her a MIL, because when I came as a bride, I came with the intention of giving her the same attention as my own, something which never could be, her being what she is, but still I shall do my job).  In a way, she is like salt: essential in its saltiness, but oh so awful in large doses!  The family, howsoever it is, is just that, and I can not change it on my own, so I accept that.  I accept that, and don't really care my heart out.  There is one way that a change could be brought about, and that is through the son of the family, since I have not been, and never will be, accepted.  In a sense, I can understand her pettiness, her insecurity, because now I know her, and I can forget that, be just kind.  Of course I can never give her the respect that she could have had, nor love, but I don't think she would even know what it is that she is missing.  A pretense is sufficient, because you are supposed to respect elders (yeah, I am an Indian).  When, in later years, she has to come to live with us, I don't know what will happen, because I don't know if there will be any later years.  Having come this far on my own, without my husband realizing what a hellish situation his mother had created for me, and for herself too in her own way, I am now stuck.  The way I see it, if he acknowledges that she is what she is, herself, a human with a million faults, he will automatically be at peace, not torn between wife and mother (who has, since childhood, filled him with horror of a daughter in law coming between him and her).  If he can see and accept her, then he need not fear any separations.  As it is, he thinks she is just perfect, knowing her faults, mind you.  He can always find something to excuse her, never ever criticizes her, treats her with tenderness.  And, oh, we had a really bad phase about a year back and went for counseling, but that was basically to start us talking again, and it doesn't seem to have helped him any.  It could probably help if he thought it would, but his attitude is that he is for his parents and I could lump it, even knowing that he will suffer ... And he is unlikely to change on account of anybody else if not on his own.

I would appreciate a response to the story, especially insight from guys on how to communicate with my husband on this issue.
 11/20
                 signed - I could lump it

RESPONSE:  response to : I can lump it.
I think that I would tell him to lump it.  Maybe a little separation is in order.  Let him know how it would feel without you.  Let him listen to his mother slam you.  Tell him you love him, but just can't put up with the abuse his mother doles out.  You need to get away from this toxic woman for your own health.  If he figures it out, good.  If not, you're better off without a mommy's boy and a life filled with grief.  There are worse things than being alone.  Hugs, and good luck.
 11/21
RESPONSE TO A RESPONSE:  This is in response to the first response to "I could lump it".
It is easy to walk out, and go my own way.  I know that, and also that I can not, rather will not, take the part of the second best.  But what I can not believe in is that there are no people who have made it work.  He knows he needs me, he loves me, and yet he can not think that I am not his mother's enemy ... it has something to do with the conditioning since childhood, cultural and otherwise, that makes guys so insecure about what another woman may do to their mother, and perhaps the more I argue about it, the more his ego prevents him from acknowledging the truth.  That is what I want to know, is there no way of communicating with him without antagonizing him?  Before I walk out, I want to be sure that I have left no stone unturned in the way to our happiness.  Someone in this wide world must be able to tell me how he feels and how best can his insecurity be dealt with so that he can wake up to reality, grow up and be a man.  Every now and then there is something to tell me that he is learning, but it is not enough and the time is running out.
 11/26
My husband and I recently had a baby boy.  We have been together for nine years, and had bought a house as an investment house and traveled around, rather than spending a lot of money on a wedding we didn't really need.  When my husband and I told his mother we were pregnant, the first thing she said to us was, "Well, you better get married."
 11/26
                 signed - better get married
I have been married to my husband for almost a year.  We dated three years before getting married.  My mother in law never liked me from the beginning because I "stole her only son away".  She eventually apologized for all of that because my husband finally made her see how stupid she was being.  But even after all of that, I felt like she was still being phony around me strictly for his benefit.  She has never liked me, and in return I did not like her because she did not give me a fair start.  I am six years older than he is.  I had a four year old daughter from a previous marriage when we met, and I was also less than a few weeks pregnant.  When my second daughter was born, my husband and I decided that we would raise her together as our own, and we would not tell her the truth about her biological father.  He talked to her several times about this and she seemed to understand our wishes.  The REAL problem began when I had my third daughter with my husband three weeks ago.  She constantly makes comments about this baby being her "first grandchild" right in front of my second daughter (now three years old).  My husband and I asked her to not make those comments to us when I was pregnant because they really upset me and it constantly makes me relive my past.  So 2 weeks ago, she waited long enough for my husband to leave the room, and she made the comment again to me.  That shows me she is maliciously trying to hurt me.  The next day we went over to talk to her again about this (for the first time I did the talking).  I barely got 10 words out, she started yelling at me, told me to get out of her house and ran up the stairs.  We all ended up having a huge shouting match.  I did not back down and I'm glad I at least got out everything I needed to say to her.  She says that I am "stealing her joy of being a first time grandmother".  I feel that my "joy" has been ruined because I cannot bond with my baby.  I feel I am betraying my 3 year old.  Ever since I found out that this was going to be a girl, I knew there would be problems, and I have been depressed ever since.  His mother now says that she cannot guarantee that she will keep our secret, but she hopes she wont say anything to my 3 year old.  This is too much for me to bear.  My husband and I have decided to move away to another city and limit her contact with ALL the kids.  Her not liking me is not my main focus anymore because I don't like her either, but I love all my kids and I don't want to see any of them hurt by such an evil woman.  I do not want to be bothered with her anymore.  The next day my husband talked to her briefly and she told him she was sorry for "ruining our day", and she hopes that I will let her see the kids again.  He said he would talk to me.  That angered me, because I feel she should apologize to ME not him, and my husband should have told her how wrong she was for showing me such disrespect as his wife.  I feel she has ruined my life, not just my day, and she is trying to rob my 3 year old of having a true father in her life.  I know this is very long, and I'm sorry, but I really need help!!  I am sort of angry at her, and my husband and I have considered moving to another city with just me and my kids.  I'm angry, depressed and I do not eat very much at all.  I feel physically sick all the time.  I really need unbiased advice.  Thank you so much!!
 11/23
                 signed - blabbermouth MIL

RESPONSE:  re "blabbermouth MIL"
Although I thoroughly do not justify any of your MIL's actions, I would strongly recommend that you and your husband rethink the decision to keep this info from you daughter.  Your daughter may feel betrayed and lied to, and may not be able to trust you anymore, if the truth comes out in a way that you did not want it to.  Believe me, it will come out one way or another.  But, make sure that you do tell her the reason why you originally kept it a secret.  Complete and total honesty is the best.  This way your children will see that their mother has been a true role model, and what's more, your MIL will not be able to hold anything over you.  You definitely don't want anyone blackmailing you, so don't set yourself up to be put in that position. This is something that you should do on your own time, and not be forced into doing, especially by such a MIL.  But, please don't wait too long (like when she's a teenager).  The longer you wait, the more you may make an already intense situation even worse.  Best of luck to you.
 11/24
Am I the only one with a great MIL?  She doesn't take sides.  She offers no opinions.  She only wants to hear the good things that we are doing to and for each other.  As a MIL myself, I wish I was as good.  I offer my SIL advice and she thanks me by saying, "Thanks, we'll consider that when we make our decision."  Then, they do what they want, but they listen to my advise and wisdom.
 11/23
                 signed - I am blessed by my MIL and my SIL.

RESPONSE:  Response to "Blessed by MIL and SIL" --
That's great!  Thank you, also, for sharing that wonderful thing to say -- "Thanks -- we'll consider that when making our decision."  I just got through Thanksgiving boiling mad at my MIL for her heavy-handed advice, practically ordering us to buy certain things at certain stores.  Wouldn't it have defused the situation (for me, anyway, and it would have been kind to her too) -- if I'd said, "Thanks.  We'll consider that when making our decision."  I don't think she realizes how overbearing she can be.  She's not a bad MIL, either.
 11/25
My husband has the problem that when he drinks he becomes mean.  One day he became physical and body slammed me into the driveway as I was walking away from his abusive language.  I told him either it's booze or me, and that he has to go to anger management classes, or see ya later. (He has quit drinking and we are trying to work together)  About two weeks after this incident we were to attend a wedding reception, all our mutual friends and his family were to be there.  Although I really didn't want to, (and am still considering a divorce) I went.  My husband was dancing with one of my friends, and my mil ordered me to go up and dance with my husband where I belong.  I replied that I don't dance, and I was angry with him anyway.  She exploded at me, telling me that her son has given me everything, and how selfish I am, it was only once that he hit me and how lucky I am, and to suck it up.  I simply walked away from her, not wanting to cause a scene at our friend's wedding.  She ran up to me from behind, grabbed me, squeezing my arm, waved her finger in my face and told me the reason he hit me was because I have a big **** mouth!  She puffs up her chest and says, "What do you think about that?"  I calmly thanked her for her opinion, and for telling me the truth of how she really feels.  I grabbed my coat, got to my husband on the dance floor and told him I'd be in the car.  He came out a few minutes later asking me what I did to his mother, that she was crying, and he hopes she doesn't have a heart attack!  He did tell her to mind her own business.  When I explained my side, he was real quiet, and only said, "She didn't mean it.  She was drunk!"  Not an excuse in my eyes.  Sad thing is, my father-in-law was an abusive alcoholic who used to slap her around until she divorced him.  I wonder if it was because of her big mouth? 
 11/21
                 signed - big mouth

RESPONSE:  reply to: signed - big mouth
It sounds like your MIL does have a big mouth, but that's not your biggest problem here.  If you visit this page often, you know that there are women who have been dealing with some kind of abuse from their in-laws for years.  It never improves, and it sometimes gets worse.  The same thing applies to men who abuse their wives physically or emotionally.  I have a feeling that body slamming you into the driveway was not the first time he got physical with you.  If he's following the typical pattern, he worked up to that.  Your husband may not hit you again for a while, but he will hit you again.  I'm sorry to be so blunt, but in my experience (I have recently volunteered at a battered women's shelter) that behavior does not change.  Your biggest problem is that you are living in an abusive situation, with an alcoholic, physically and emotionally abusive husband, who doesn't support you.  Abusers like to control.  They get to know your weaknesses.  They know your needs.  They can control you without your knowledge if you are not careful.  You need to get out of that situation.  While he's at work or gone from the house, pack whatever you absolutely need and get the heck out of there.  Go to a friend's or family member's house, or find a battered women's shelter (look in the phone book) or a hotel.  Tell yourself that You Don't Need Him, and make yourself believe it.  If he hurts you, he deserves to be locked up.  Report him to the police.  Divorce him.  If you need to go back to the house, take someone with you, whether it be a police person, a neighbor, a friend -- but please, DO NOT GO ALONE.  You do not need to tell him where he can find you, and should not.  If he wants to talk, you can meet him somewhere neutral, like a coffee shop or a counselor's or lawyer's office.  Do not make the mistake of dealing with the abuse -- too many women are emotionally and physically scarred for life, or worse, because they put up with this kind of thing too long.  Escaping from this toxic and dangerous relationship is most important.

Editor's Note - This response included a request to be put in touch with original poster.   Please use the message board to communicate directly if that is desired.
 11/22
RESPONSE:  response to big mouth.
You are in for a long hard ride.  If you stay with this man, you better make him go to AA in addition to the other requirements.  You must stay away from his mom too.  I highly suggest you check into Alanon meetings to help yourself.  Your eyes will be open to a lot of abusive behavior your husband and his family have, and will continue to have.  Alanon would probably help a lot of ladies on this board.  The same behavior applies to many abusive people.  If he starts drinking again; you should really consider leaving him.  The behavior of alcoholics continue to get worse unless they are actively working on getting better.  Keep this in mind ... drinking is only a symptom of their problems.  Please get help with this!
 11/22
HELP!!!  My mother in law has no life and is constantly invading mine.  When she is around my children and I am there, she disciplines them.  She has no regard for my rules or boundaries for MY children.  She knows my youngest son is allergic to citrus products, and is constantly giving them to him.  I don't understand this.  She tries to run any holiday or celebration that we may be hosting at our home, by telling us what to serve, etc.  One Easter, we told her that we weren't having a ham, that we were having turkey.  Well, she brought a ham anyway and said, "no one has Easter without a ham."  At my son's fifth birthday party, with 8 guests, she asked if we needed any beer or wine.  We told her no, that it was just cake and ice-cream.  Well, not only did she come with a case of beer and bottle of wine, she brought baked ziti and bread. (We just wanted to keep it simple).  I swear, she is in love with my DH.  She calls every day, mainly to ask when he is going over to visit her, with no mention of our 3 boys.  My in-laws come over to my home and nit-pick everything that needs to be fixed up or taken care of.  If we don't respond to their complaints in a timely fashion, they take it upon themselves to perform our household tasks.  When my husband's birthday rolls around, SHE HAS to make the cake and host his birthday parties.  The holidays are the worst.  We have to celebrate every holiday with my DH's side of the family.  If, by some small fluke, we do go to my relatives house, we are timed by her and have to spend the same amount of time at her house.  Last X-mas my boys (the oldest was 4) ended up at their house until midnight.  When the holidays are upon us and I receive a gift, it is something my husband wants (last year I received a paper shredder and car mats).  My MIL and FIL need to know how much money we have in our savings, how much we set aside for retirement, and how much we have in trust for our boys.  It is none of their business.  This has been ongoing for 8 years.  I am on the brink of divorce.
 11/14
                 signed - MIL Invading My Life

RESPONSE:  This is in response to "Mil invading my life."
You are not alone in feeling smothered.  A few years ago I wrote a letter telling my Mil that she was smothering me.  It didn't really help, because after awhile she reverted back to doing the exact same things as before.  She hasn't done all the same things as yours, but she did mention us having to fix a few things.  They have since been fixed, but she wouldn't know it since she hasn't been to our home since the end of June.  I asked her once again to start calling before stopping by, and she didn't like it!  What a damn shame!  I was really sick of her surprise visits.  She feels entitled to show up whenever she wants, and I was taught that you only go to peoples' homes when they invite you over, because everyone has different needs when it comes to privacy.  You don't just show up or invite yourself.  She also feels entitled to know my whereabouts whenever I am not attending her functions/outings of those of her family/in-laws.  The last time I reported my whereabouts to my own father, I lived in his house!  I wrote her another letter telling her why I quit answering the phone, and not liking answering her questions of my whereabouts, and a few other things.   "All you have to do is apologize."  A cold day in hell.  I wouldn't have felt the need to hide my vehicle from her if she wouldn't have ignored my repeated requests to call first.  What I was hoping she would pick up on was only visiting when we invited her.  I didn't show up at her home unless invited, or it was a planned event, but of course she didn't pick up on that either.  Sorry for going on!  Best of Luck to you!
 11/16
RESPONSE:  This is a response to "MIL Invading My Life":
I had a similar problem with my in-laws a few years ago.  They only lived 5 minutes away from us and would come by our house unannounced whenever they felt like it.  Once, when my husband and I were newlyweds, we were spending a Sunday morning in bed (you get the picture).  Well, we were interrupted three times by needless phone calls from the MIL.  Then, about 15 minutes later, we heard a knock at the door but decided to ignore it.  All of a sudden we heard a voice coming from downstairs, "Honey, it's just Mommy!"  She let herself in with our spare key!  My husband quickly put on his robe, ran downstairs, and told her the next time she plans on coming over to call first.  She of course didn't listen.

While my husband and I were at work, my in-laws would let themselves into our house with our spare key, do their laundry, watch TV, use our phone, bathroom, pick through our garden, and snoop through our paperwork.  I reached my breaking point when my MIL let a neighbor into our house without our consent.  So one night, when the in-laws were over for dinner, I gave a little speech about how my husband and I have no privacy and I would like to move closer to my family (an hour away).  They promised to change but never did.  A year later we sold our home and moved 30 minutes away from the in-laws.

I'm sorry I can't offer you a better solution other than distance (and no spare keys!)  This "buffer-zone" has really helped us.  In-laws can be self-centered, disrespectful, and intrusive.  If moving is even a remote possibility, please consider it. Good luck! 
 11/20
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 11/20
After years of feeling as if I wasn't a part of the family, my MIL tried to hide fact she was taking other members to Ireland for an all expense paid trip, and I finally felt vindicated.  MIL suffered medical problems and needed placement in a care facility or a relative's home.  She called to our home, using the sweetest voice, and asked to come live with us.  I agreed, and she moved across 3 states and came to live at this house.  After watching her try to run this house, I decided to take action.  My daughter and I were treated terribly, and my husband and sons were treated like royalty.  My husband wouldn't accept the fact that she acted differently when he wasn't around.  I was ready to prove my point.  I borrowed a video camera and set it up.  MIL didn't know of it, nor did anyone in the house.  After 2 hours, she played her role perfectly.  I turned to her, and then to the camera after her latest tantrum, and said "THANK YOU".  I offered my husband the opportunity to accept I was right before showing him the tape.  He declined.  I showed it to him after making a copy to keep for myself, and then waited for his response.  My MIL was moved to a nursing home the next day.  I did agree to let her move back into our home while she was in her last few days of life, but I never had to mention how right I was again.
 11/19
                 signed - How Right I Was
Note:  This story moved here from 9/16 Archives due to receipt of a new response.

My MIL cannot stand me.  When my husband makes me attend his family functions she does not speak and ignores me like the plague.  She is in total control of her family, and if she doesn't like you or doesn't associate with you, the whole family treats you the same way.  I leave these events feeling emotionally sick.  Do you think I should have to attend and be treated like this?
8/21

signed - Ignores Me Like The Plague

RESPONSE:  Re: "Ignores Me Like The Plague"
You must feel like an outsider at these family functions.  You have good reason to.  It's a matter of control, as you suspect.  I don't suggest that you do not show up, because then she will go around pointing out that you are not there and will feel that her tactics have worked.  If you love your husband and want to stay happy with him, stick it out as best you can.  My suggestion is that you find someone there you can talk to and try to have a good time.  Make sure you make a point to say hello to the MIL and keep a smile on your face.  If she sees you having a good time, that will burn her faster than anything else.  Don't let anything she does bother you.  If she sees that it does, she will feel she has won.  We cannot let that happen!!
8/22
RESPONSE:  Re: Ignores me like the plague:
A red light goes off for me anytime I hear an adult woman say her husband makes her do anything.  He's your husband, not your father, and you're not two years old.  How does he "make you"?  Does he beat you?  Does he make your life a living hell if you don't do as he wishes?  If he's abusive then think about getting away from him.  If he's a grouser and he's argumentative when you don't do what he wants then that is different.  I think he's a cruel and abusive bully and coward (most bullies are cowards BTW) if he wants you to attend a function where his mother acts like an imbecile, makes you ill, and he refuses to address the matter.  Let me add that he is also sadistic.  If he is merely a grouser, don't go.  Go, instead, to a counselor and get help to figure out how to stand up for yourself.  There are plenty of places with a sliding scale, if you don't think you can afford it.  They will help you with a payment that you can afford.  I wouldn't go anywhere that jeopardizes my health.  Would you go sit for a few hours in a chemical landfill?  Well, sitting for a few hours in a stress filled situation is not good for your health either.  Stress causes all manner of diseases, doctors say.  Don't go.
8/22
RESPONSE:  Response to "My MIL hates me like the plague"
No!  Adamantly, No!  You do not have to stand for this treatment.  If you are sure that you have done nothing to your MIL intentionally mean since you have been the DIL, then absolutely no!  If there is someone at those gatherings that you can talk to, and will talk back to you, then do so and ignore your MIL and her followers as if they have the plague.  I bet, once you try it, you will feel immediately better.  Make a point to let her know that you are in control of who you converse with, and who converses with you, and not her!  Also, if your husband does not support you, and says something like: "Well, we just won't go to those gatherings anymore," then let him go alone.  Any controlling person with a bunch of followers is dealing with issues within and is very insecure.  There must be something about you that makes her feel even more insecure.  However, do not allow her problems within to become your burden.  If you do not hold your ground to her and try what I suggested, your emotional sickness will become a physical sickness.  If you try my suggestion, please let us know the outcome.
8/22
RESPONSE:  Response to Ignore me like the Plague
I can so relate to your story!!  I am in the exact situation after years of trying to get along with my MIL.  She will come to my home and not say a word to me except "Goodbye".  I have recently told my husband that I will not attend family functions that she will be at until she treats me with respect.  You have every right to not want to be in that situation.  I would get an upset stomach for days when I knew that I would have to see her that weekend.  Why subject yourself to that torment?  When your MIL realizes that you are her son's choice, not hers, then maybe she'll treat you better.  Until then, stay out of the battle line for your own sanity and self worth.
8/22
RESPONSE:  This is in response to "Ignores me like the plague".
I'm not sure if this is good advice, but I wouldn't attend.  Then, if she asks" why not" the next time you speak, you can just tell her; "Well, since you never acknowledge my presence anyway, I figured I wouldn't be missed!"  Be grateful that she doesn't talk to you because my MIL has been stopping by, whenever she feels like it (weekly sometimes), without calling first, for the last 4 years.  This really aggravates me since I like my privacy.  I have given her repeated hints and told her that I have even asked my own Father to call first, with no effect.  A few times she has said "We were going to stop by, but you haven't been home LATELY."  She has also asked about my whereabouts when she stopped by and no one was home!   And if I don't attend a family function, for whatever the reason, she feels she is entitled to ask my whereabouts.  One time I didn't feel like hearing her interrogation about not going to a baby shower, so I avoided her calls and left the house every day for a couple of days, in order to obtain some privacy.  Then, she calls my husband at work and tells him this; "I've called a bunch of times and stopped by your house 3 times in the last 3 days and (Name), hasn't been home, where is she?"  To this my husband replied; "I don't know, Mom, she's my wife, I'm not her keeper."  She is a nice person, but I don't appreciate her feeling that she is entitled to run our lives and know all of our business.  So you see, it could be the opposite, she could be STALKING you!!!  Do I sound like I need some good therapy or WHAT!!!! 
8/22
RESPONSE:  re: ignores me like the plague
Thank you to the person that responded that you should not go, and then you should say, "You never acknowledge my presence, so I thought I wouldn't be missed".   I am in an extremely similar situation with my MIL.  I am DEFINITELY going to try this.  I feel that she needs to be confronted regarding the treatment I get.  THANKS!!
8/23
RESPONSE:  Re: IGNORING ME LIKE THE PLAGUE.
"Emotionally sick" is right.  That's exactly how I feel after I've returned from a weekend with my future in laws.  If my FMIL isn't ignoring me, she's making unkind comments to me about my fiancé (that's right, her son) just to bug me, or she's making passive aggressive remarks about me, or she's pretending that SHE is the main woman in his life.  My fiancé has gotten better about how often we have to see her, but he still is reluctant to leave if things get sticky during a visit.  Though I'm not quite sure if it's fair, or a good idea, to ask him to walk out on a family event.  Any opinions on that?

In any case, thanks to all the GREAT responses I've read.  I'm considering no longer going to his family's gatherings.  I'd love to hear from people on how their husbands or boyfriends reacted when they stopped going to family events.  And how (or if) the in-laws reacted too.  THANK YOU!  Good luck to everyone that's in the same boat.
8/31
RESPONSE:  response to "ignores me like the plague"
First of all, you better re-evaluate your relationship with your man.  If you don't stand up for yourself to him now, do you honestly think things will get better?  Make it clear now that you are his first priority and have the right to feel comfortable - no matter what the situation.  If his family treats you bad, don't be around these people!  Remind him that if it were the other way around, how would he feel?  If he refuses, and you decide to continue on this way, then my dear, you are going to be in a lifelong battle regarding your in-laws.  Take control of your life.
8/31
RESPONSE:  Response to most recent note from author of "Ignoring me like the plague."
What a kind note.  And you asked for experiences of others who have stopped going to their husband's family gatherings.  I have ALL but stopped -- once in a while, if I or my husband feel it's very important, or have a good feeling about it, I'll go.  And I feel so much happier not going -- in fact, there's nothing more exhilarating than "escaping" from a visit with the in-laws!  Actually, they aren't awful at all -- a lot of it's me, I'm shy -- but my MIL has also ignored me.  In fact, once, when I was talking to her, trying to make her happy by telling her about some work her son (my DH) had done here, she literally walked away from me, HUMMING, while I was talking!  And walked over to my husband, and began talking to him instead. That was during a visit here.  So now, if I know they're coming, I find some excuse not to be home.  Yesterday, for instance, they were coming over -- and suddenly, I needed to go and get my hair cut!  Driving along the road, knowing I was avoiding what would probably (for whatever reason) be a stressful, annoying encounter -- I felt exhilarated!  And I've NEVER regretted -- NEVER!!! -- any gatherings or visits with them that I've managed to avoid!  So, in my experience -- it's a GOOD thing!  I recommend it -- why be a martyr?

Oh, one more thing.  I think by not spending much time with her, I resent her less. (I think that's true -- I THINK about her less, anyway -- but I still am addicted to this website!)
9/3
RESPONSE:  re: ignores me like the plague.
I stopped going to my in-laws over 2 years ago.  My health is much better, and I laugh at my husband if he goes saying "have fun now".  I'm lucky, at first my husband didn't stick up for me.  But he quickly turned around.  Instead of me making an ultimatum, they did.  They told him that if he didn't divorce that bi*** he was no longer a member of the family.  We have their phone numbers blocked off of our phone.  They have been told by a lawyers letter that if they come to our house they will be arrested for trespassing.  The only time during the year that my husband sees them is for 2 hours on Xmas and Thanksgiving.  I don't see them at all, except maybe in passing in my car.  They are Toxic people to me, and I will not be around them, and my life is better for it.  I should have done it 8 years ago.
11/19
After 9 years of working for the same company, I decided to quit, as I was no longer happy, challenged and satisfied.  I felt it time to pursue another direction where I could actually learn something new and make something of myself.  I've been looking into home based businesses as we plan on having a family in the very near future and I'd like to be able to work part-time in the comforts of my home and raise the kids at the same time.  My husband is very supportive of this idea, but my MIL can't understand why I left my job and why I'm not working at this time.  I've told her I'm busy pursing other opportunities, and am working at home during the day and don't have time to do lunch or other things with her.  But ... she doesn't seem to listen to me, as she keeps calling me and inviting me out to do things with her.  She doesn't work, and is a widow, although she has many friends.  I don't want to hurt her, but I don't know how else to make her understand why I left my job, and that I'm busy doing other things now.  Perhaps my husband needs to speak to her.  I think she feels left out - she wants to know what I'm busy doing all the time.  In the past, she's told my husband that she feels he's not spending enough time with her.  I was so upset when I heard that, as she sees us quite often.  It's obvious she's lonely.  Again, I don't want to hurt her, and I realize I can't change the way she perceives things, but I know she feels that I must be lazy and mooching off of my husband's money and not earning my own.  How do I deal with this?
 11/16
                 signed - Leave Me Alone To Work From Home

RESPONSE:  Re: Leave Me Alone To Work From Home
You are so nice to consider your MIL's feelings.  I'd be mad about this.  It just sounds like your MIL doesn't believe you, that you're actually working.  It seems like she doesn't think it's possible to work from home.  Maybe she's ignorant and doesn't fully grasp what you do.  Tell your husband that she doesn't take you seriously about your work-at-home job.  Tell him exactly what you wrote here.  Suggest that he have a talk with her, explaining that you are NOT mooching off of him.  It might be easier to believe if she hears it from him.
 11/19
 


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