Posted: 01-DEC-01
I am the bride who was talking about the Jewish ceremony
and the bridal shower. Well, the wedding has come and gone (I
am on my honeymoon at the moment). You won't BELIEVE what MIL
did. First, she didn't speak to me or my family once, and neither
did SIL. Remember the ceremony where she wanted to wear a crown
of flowers and have everyone dance around her? She promised
us she wouldn't do it. Then, at the toasts, she had her friend
announce that they were doing it, and they did. I ran out, almost
in tears. She never commented on my dress or how nice everything
was. But instead, she berated the caterer the whole time, when
she never even paid. Fortunately, most of the guests, including
her friends AND DH, were disgusted. I hate her so much.
My father was furious, and gave them what for, but it doesn't undo
her behavior. Also, she told my uncle, who was the rabbi, that
he was doing things wrong. He's a RABBI. Now, they have
their annual Hanukah party coming up, and expect me to help and all.
Yeah, right. Anyway, back to marital bliss with DH, who completely
supports me. Love you all.
Signed - Bemused Bride
- Now Bemused Wife
RESPONSE: Bemused Bride - Now Bemused Wife
Posted: 10-DEV-01
What a witch, trying to upstage you at your own wedding!
My MIL tried to get the photographer to take a picture with her holding
my bouquet as she stood with her son. She even asked me to take
off my wedding veil and let her wear it! Her son asked if she
was nuts, and it totally weirded both of us out! So, the big
party is coming up for the holidays. Is there any surprise dance
YOU and YOUR HUBBY can do at it? Maybe some slow, sexy dance
to grate on the witch's nerves? Just surprise her, like she
did you. Then, act totally innocent. Or, take all your
honeymoon photos and usurp her by giddily talking nonstop about your
hunk hubby and how hot he is, ha! Invite some of your girlfriends
or mutual friends too. And, clue the girlfriends in and ask
them to make lots of noise over the sexy pictures and dancing.
That ought to outdo that little dance at your wedding. You could
even bring a miniature cake (wedding decorations on it, of course)
and invite everyone to celebrate the anniversary and holiday of your
blessed binding of souls, hearts and life together. She stole
your big wedding day's scene. Payback time - and don't forget
to wear something sexy, and have a piece of jewelry given to you by
your adoring hubby around your neck or wrist. That ought to
do it! If you really want to freak her out, candidly admit that
you plan to have a large family, and are having a fun time getting
started!
RESPONSE: Bemused Bride - Now Bemused Wife
Posted: 10-DEV-01
Congratulations, girl. You are so damn lucky
to have a supportive DH. We aren't all as lucky. Your
ILs cannot hurt you, if he is on your side. And, your marriage
can only get better with no nasty intrusions. If DH is there
for you, then keep a beautiful smile on your face, and allow him to
take care of his family. Take care of yourself, and enjoy your
honeymoon.
RESPONSE: Bemused Bride - Now Bemused Wife
Posted: 10-DEV-01
You should never have to do anything that goes against
your principles or values. If you are Orthodox, being married
in a Conservative or Reform environment, you need to really think
about how both you and your husband are going to handle the education
of your future children. Your future MIL sounds like she is
super sensitive and needs reassuring. One thing you might do
is to tell her that, as she is your husband's mother, you will always
respect her - provided she shows respect your values. Both sets
of parents are important for you. Be careful to not falling
into the trap of playing one lot of parents against the other.
The family needs unity and this extends to grandparents and grandchildren.
We all need family, and you want your children to see a positive family.
It's so much easier when one marries into a family that shares the
same values, and when your MIL is not stabbing you in the back.
Good luck.
Posted: 15-NOV-01
Oh my, I'm getting married and my MIL hates me too.
I don't like her, but she forces me not to by calling me every name
in the book. She tells my FDH that I don't deserve him, that
he should find someone else, because I'm Caucasian (and he's a mix
of Chinese, Filipino, and German). She has tried to get me to
leave him numerous times. When she visited, she caused us to
have a LOT of fights. It got to the point where I couldn't be
in the same room with her. She called me up at my parents house
telling me I was a worthless, dumb b!tch, and a slut that would NEVER
be good enough for her son. I told my FDH that I love HIM, but
he told me that I should not try to drive a wedge between him and
his mother. He said that he loves her to death, and that death
was the only thing that will part them. Now, I love my mom and
dad, but I am nowhere near as devoted. He told her to apologize.
When she didn't, he told her to get out. She didn't leave, but
now she bad mouths me every chance she gets. She constantly
tells me that he doesn't love me and that he's cheating on me, which
is what his father did to her. She told me that he will only
turn out like his father - cold-hearted and unloving. She makes
me so unhappy, but when I talk to my FDH, he doesn't seem to do anything
but tell me to ignore it. <sigh> What do I do!?
Signed - She Told Me He
Will Only Turn Out Like His Father
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 25-NOV-01
She will only get worse when you get married.
Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life????? I'm
sorry. But, even though you love him, sometimes love is not
enough. I promise you that there are other men out there (with
better mothers). He!!, if you have kids, do you want her to
bad mouth you to your kids?
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 26-NOV-01
You two are not married yet - Right? Don't get
married without premarital counseling. If he does not agree
to the counseling, then don't get married, and dump him. I did
not get the feeling that your FDH respects you. Someone, other
than a family member, is going to have to explain to him what marriage
is like, and the role his mom has in your marriage.
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 26-NOV-01
Give FDH a wake up call. If he is unwilling to
put you and your needs first, then maybe he is not the one.
If you think things are bad now, just wait until the "honeymoon
phase" of the marriage is over. Marriage is worth it, but
it is hard work. And, it takes TWO dedicated people working
on it constantly. My advice would be to insist on premarital
counseling. You need to be SURE that you guys are on the same
page about all the big issues BEFORE you get married. IF you
aren't now, then perhaps you never will be. Good luck, and God
bless!!!
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 27-NOV-01
Don't spend any time with her whatsoever, and don't
answer her phone calls. You should also make it clear that your
children will never spend time with someone who disrespects their
mother that way. Your husband will have to deal with that if
he cannot do anything to help you out. That's if you really
go ahead and marry him anyway. Take it from someone who knows
- that tension will be difficult for your marriage. The only
reason I'm still with my husband is so his mother won't get her hands
on my DD.
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 27-NOV-01
DUMP him! He already said it. Don't try
and drive a wedge between he and his mom. Let him go.
This will only get worse. I know you love him, but he couldn't
possibly love you enough to say such a statement or ignore the problem.
Find someone who really does love you - because this man doesn't.
Do you want to be miserable the rest of your life? Let him go.
This is a good warning for you. A lot of us didn't get this
gift of forewarning.
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 28-NOV-01
If your FDH doesn't stand up to her now, unfortunately
he never will. You have a very big decision to make. Can
you handle this woman and the relationship your FDH has with her for
the rest of your life? You won't be able to change her.
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 28-NOV-01
" only death will part them." Does
your DFH realize that he is taking a marriage vow with his mother?
I think you should seriously rethink your future with this man.
When you marry, you are supposed to be #1 in your DH's life.
Your fiancé already has a number 1, and he has already pledged
"till death do us part" to her. Is this really how
you want to live your life - taking abuse from your MIL, and watching
your DH treat her as he should treat his wife? All I can tell
you is that couples counseling may be the only thing that will change
this situation. I wish you the best of luck. You will
certainly need it!
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 28-NOV-01
I am sorry to say this, but I have to. It sounds
like you will never, I repeat, NEVER get him to put you first.
His "mommy" will always be first, and YOU will take the
back seat in his life. He has NO spine if he doesn't stand up
to his mother for you. It will only get worse, I am afraid.
You have to get out now while there are no vows holding you to him.
If you think you can get him to counseling, that might be a hopeful
option. But, it sounds like he is stuck like glue to his mother,
and nothing and no one will change that. I am sorry that I can't
give you better advice, but this sounds like an almost hopeless situation.
Good luck, and I wish you nothing but the best.
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 02-DEC-01
RUN
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 04-DEC-01
Don't marry this man. He will always put momma
in first place and it will only cause you more and more problems.
Does he really expect you to like his mother the way she treats you?
It will be one of the stupid things you do to mess up your life.
Make sure your man puts you first before anything. If not, move
on.
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 09-DEC-01
The only thing that will part them is death???
Give me a break. What about the fights between you and your
MIL driving a wedge between YOU and your DH? Is that not as
important? Obviously not! Also, your DH needs to read
in the bible where it says about a man cleaving to his wife.
I feel badly for you, because it is already to this point, and you
haven't even had children yet. It will only get worse honey.
I wish you luck.
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 09-DEC-01
How would you feel if your mother was calling FDH all
sorts of bad things and telling him that you are not good enough for
him, along with telling FDH that you are cheating on him. You
would more than likely put a stop to that. Well, it seems to
me that he isn't trying too hard, because he lets her treat you poorly.
In your DH's eyes, your FMIL's feelings are more important to him
than yours. He doesn't want to hurt her, but it's ok for you
to get hurt. Wake up girl! I promise you, if it doesn't
get worse, it won't get better. But, if this is the life you
chose, then don't say nobody warned you. Let us know what happens
either way.
RESPONSE: She Told Me He Will Only Turn Out Like His
Father
Posted: 09-DEC-01
If you really love this guy, I'd tape record one of
FMIL's little tirades about your FDH, and ask him to listen to it
in a counseling session. Then, tell him that you want to marry
one person, not two. And, tell him that he better decide if
he wants a loving wife and a sunny future FAR AWAY from his mommy
dearest, or does he want her ruining everything (so he will be around
for her to blame and emotionally abuse because his father was DRIVEN
into the arms of a more loving woman). Tell him he needs to
tell her to get some help. And that he will always love and
care about her, but he is an adult and needs some space. He
is moving away, starting a new life with you, and she needs to try
and start a more healthy life for herself - ALONE! If he can't
do this, even with counseling, then you better protect your own mental
health and move away from both of these sad, emotionally-twisted people.
Frequent
Fry Her TM.
- Get Ready 1 of 4 /Posted: 09-DEC-01
Ok. So you all had bad gifts. I have a wonderful DH (although
I don't know where he comes from). He and I have been together
for 4 years, and married for two. The first year, nothing.
The second year, I block out. The third year, a small doily-looking
thing with an angel embroidered in it - and I AM NOT religious.
My husband threw it out after six months because it had never been
used. Last year - a puzzle. DH even got one, and they've
never been open. They're still sitting on the dresser by the
desk here. My cats like to use them as a launching pad when
they jump up to catch flies.
Posted: 2-NOV-01
My future MIL and I have had a very rough time.
Over the past 4 years, she's been a horrible person to me in many
ways. She seems to have mastered the art of "doing dirt",
but then she acts as if she's an innocent little lamb. Her main
game plan was to make comments to me when nobody was around to hear
it, and then deny them, or pretend that she was misunderstood.
She uses tears, her age, and lies to mask her evil actions.
In addition, she frequents church (3X a week), so she also hides behind
her religion as an excuse for why she's, "misunderstood",
and I'm the one who hates her. Four months ago, her son and
I decided to move in together as a means to get away from the negativity
that was building. She had even gone as far as to ban me from
their house! She claimed that, since I didn't like her, I shouldn't
come there to visit him. Now that we're living together, things
are better. She and I got a chance to call a truce. However,
I still feel very strong vibes that she STILL hates me, and is STILL
trying to hurt me undercover. She allows me to come into her
house now, but the day I went over there for the first time, after
being banned for almost 2 years, I noticed that she had a photo of
his ex-girlfriend on the living room table! According to my
boyfriend, his ex sent his mom the picture in the mail, so she put
it up. I am very bothered by the picture for two reasons:
(1) I feel it's disrespectful of her to display a photo of his
ex when he and I are in such a seriously committed relationship (on
the verge of marriage). (2) His ex-girlfriend once threatened
my life, and I had to go to court to stop her from harassing me.
Should I be angry at my future MIL? Is she being disrespectful,
or am I just being touchy? Should I address the situation or
just ignore it?
Signed - Trying Not To
Fall Into Her Trap
RESPONSE: Trying Not To Fall Into Her Trap
Posted: 5-NOV-01
I feel that the fact that you actually had to take
the ex to court for threatening you says it all. Your FMIL is
doing this to spite you. Don't let it bother you. When
she sees that you aren't affected by it, hopefully she will stop.
In order for her to continue, she has to feel like she is getting
something out of it. I know it bothers you. It would bother
me too. Just be the bigger person, and shower your BF with special
attention the whole time you're there. Your best revenge is
to show her how happy you make her son, and that the bond the two
of you share is untouchable.
RESPONSE: Trying Not To Fall Into Her Trap
Posted: 5-NOV-01
Ah, yes! The ol', "Well, that ploy didn't
work, so what else can I do to show her how I REALLY feel about her?"
play in action!! You are now "allowed" into her sanctum,
but wait - you are not so privileged. There is a girlfriend's
picture. MEEE OWW! Sheez, do these MILs have a club they
belong to or something?? A newsletter that they get with a section
titled, "Ways to Annoy the Woman Your Son Loves"??
It is amazing how many of them pull this. And FDH has the classic
"son hasn't caught on to mommy's deviousness" reaction.
I have found that when it comes to things like pictures of EX's, my
DH is the person to handle it. My MIL suddenly decided to display
an old picture of DH's first wife that was taken when their sons were
children. The sons are now grown with kids of their own.
DH said, "Time to move that picture to the album, Mom."
Oh, but she wanted a picture of the boys! He said, "If
you don't have a more recent one (we knew she did, because we gave
it to her), then I will get it. But I, ESPECIALLY, do NOT want
to see a picture of my EX every time I come over here!!"
The next time we visited, there was a more recent picture of the boys
- but with the ex in it again. I hadn't even seen it as I walked
in. In fact, I hadn't gotten my coat off when DH said, "Hold
on, Hon, we're leaving." Then, he turned to his mother
and said, "Do you ENJOY hurting me??? I do NOT want to
look at pictures of my EX every time I come over! Call me when
you've put all this sh!t away, and I will consider coming to see you
again." Whoa! I was shocked! My DH is normally
very soft-spoken and slow to anger. But, he had finally gotten
past the inability to see that his mother was capable of being catty
at times. I never had to deal with pictures of the EX again.
I don't think ANY thing I could have said would have made her stop.
I think your FDH needs to get involved. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Trying Not To Fall Into Her Trap
Posted: 5-NOV-01
Oh, my, god! If I didn't know any better, I would
think this was written by me!!!!! I would love to be able to
email you and swap horror stories. Please contact me on the
message board. Waiting anxiously.
RESPONSE: Trying Not To Fall Into Her Trap
Posted: 14-NOV-01
My advice: DO NOT LET ON TO YOUR FMIL THAT YOU'RE
BOTHERED BY THE PHOTO! She wants you to mention it or become
upset about it. That's her game plan. Trust me.
My MIL plays the same sick games with me. But the key is to
beat her at her own game. Make sure that all of her little petty
ways to hurt you go "unnoticed" and "unsuccessful."
Isolate her as much as you can from your relationship with her son.
She's his mother, so let it start and end at that. Don't allow
her to probe into your circle. That is not her place!
I would, however, tell your fiancé how you feel. Keep
communication open so that he's aware of how his mother is trying
to get at you. He may not admit it aloud, but he'll recognize
her foolishness quietly. He is the one who should approach her
and demand that she take the picture of his ex down. If he doesn't,
then you have a problem with him too!
RESPONSE: Trying Not To Fall Into Her Trap
Posted: 25-NOV-01
Girl, I know what you mean! Some MILs need to
feel they are in control and will do anything to get it. Don't
let her win and get under your skin! That is easier said than
done, I know, but it works. When you visit, make it clear to
your husband to be that you are shedding the old skin and are willing
to give it a try with his mother. Then, when you visit her,
lay it on. Put your arm around his shoulder, rub his back for
1/2 second. Smile big and be happy. Girl, let me tell
you about that woman feeling powerless. Take back your power!
You love her son. If she can't be happy for that, it's her problem.
RESPONSE: Trying Not To Fall Into Her Trap
Posted: 6-DEC-01
After people get married, or are seriously involved,
family comes last. You should come first. If you haven't
already, tell your BF all of the reasons why you feel that his mother
hates you (being banned from her house is message enough). He
needs to be reminded why you don't want her in your life. If
she doesn't change, then she can't see you. Who is your BF going
to want to be with most often, you or her? Get her out of your
lives, or it just won't work between the two of you. This is
the harsh reality of life. Relatives suck, and if they can't
respect your relationship, then you two should live your lives for
yourselves, not them! Priorities: Your spouse comes first,
then your children, then family. Believe me. When you
are both working every day, paying bills, etc., the stress of life
will make your relationship hard enough. By the way, it sounds
like his mother doesn't work. Not enough stress, too much time
on her hands, can't let go of her baby. Whatever. It is
her problem, not yours and your BF's.
Posted: 19-NOV-01
Ok, I've had it with my MIL. By reading everyone
else's stories, she sounds pretty average. But, I still need
to vent! She's the typical overbearing, bossy, nosy, intruding
MIL. She constantly belittles me by treating me like a 5 year
old, thinking I don't know how to do anything myself, and must be
instructed on something new, or given a million "suggestions"
to "help me out" every time she talks to me or sees me.
My DH is one of 10 kids, so IL family functions are regular, and last
way too long for my taste. My MIL was OK while DH and I were
dating, but once we were engaged and started wedding planning, her
"helper" side took over. She knew exactly where we
should have the wedding, and she constantly gave us her advice saying,
"I've been through this before, and have helped all the kids
with their weddings. I know what I'm talking about," not
caring or listening to what WE wanted for our own wedding. We
needed to use so and so for the flowers, and I needed to find a bargain
basement gown, and so on. Her other constant line of advice
was, "Don't spend more on the wedding than you're going to get
out of it in gifts." What!? Sorry, I'm a little more
sentimental than that, and to me a wedding is more than what or how
many gifts we get. The thing was, she didn't think I could do
all the planning on my own, because only SHE knows how to do things
right. Well, I ignored her suggestions, and it turned out to
be one of the nicest weddings anyone in the family has had.
But, of course, we still spent more than we got out of it. So,
it was a waste, in her opinion. Then, a year after my DH and
I were married, we made the monumental mistake of moving into his
parent's house with the intent to buy it in a couple of months (IL's
were supposed to move out in a couple months, they wanted to move
and we wanted to buy). BIG mistake! We ended up moving
somewhere else shortly after a month when we couldn't take the stress
anymore. I was physically ill because of the mood and high stress
environment MIL put into the house. What led up to us moving
out was her constant ranting and raving about everything under the
sun. Nothing was ever good enough. We didn't get anything
done fast enough (while she sat around watching the news all day long),
we didn't help out enough (yet we were paying the majority of the
house payment, and they made DH their personal slave). Both
MIL and FIL were very inconsiderate, and not understanding of our
work schedules (I also am in college, and am gone at least 12 hrs
a day between work and school) when they demanded we do things there.
We would come home from work at 8 or 9pm, and they'd have a list of
stuff for us to do. They were supposed to be out in 2 months,
but they hadn't done any packing or sorting, nor did they get rid
of anything (talk about pack-rats, literally floor to ceiling junk).
DH and I were living in a 10x10 room, and they complained about us
having too much stuff, because we couldn't fit our whole house in
that room. MIL would constantly scream at the top of her lungs
that she was sick of nobody respecting her, and she was tired of everyone
treating her like crap (oh, yes, she was sooo abused). It was
like walking on eggshells around her. She took everything anyone
said the wrong way or misinterpreted it. If she demanded DH
to do something for her and he told her, "Hold on a minute.
I'm eating dinner," she'd completely fly off the handle, ready
to give herself a heart attack while screaming and grunting, "If
one more person talks to me like that!" Uhhh, OK.
Or, "I do everything around here," and various crazy claims.
She's psychotic (with extremely high blood pressure, which doesn't
help). I'm not sure anyone can even imagine what she sounds
like when she's having one of her conniptions. It's crazy.
I'd like to record her screaming and yelling sometime! So, we
couldn't take her stressed-out abnormalities anymore, and we moved.
They're currently still trying to sell their house (but still haven't
packed or tried to get ready to move). They've done nothing
to get their house ready to sell (no painting, cleaning, not even
put on the market), yet they call us up ranting, because we haven't
gotten some dishes we left there a month ago that are taking up a
12 inch space in the cupboard, and they're "trying to move."
Our 5 dishes are just too much to handle. I know it sounds petty,
and it is. Thankfully, my DH feels the same way about her as
I do (and my college age SIL refuses to move back with them during
school breaks, because her mother drives her nuts). MIL called
last night after we'd gone to bed and were asleep. I answered,
and MIL blurted out rudely, "Let me talk to DS." He
took the phone, sat quietly for a few minutes, and hung up.
I didn't even need to ask, obviously another one of her late-night,
pull-it-out-of-her-@Ss rantings! She's just so unhappy, that
she's not satisfied until she makes everyone around her unhappy too.
She thrives on turmoil and chaos!
Signed - MIL Thrives On
Turmoil and Chaos
RESPONSE: MIL Thrives On Turmoil and Chaos
Posted: 03-DEV-01
This woman needs meds fast!! Get caller ID and
an answering machine, and don't take her calls after you've gone to
bed. Your DH needs to lay some ground with her and her behavior,
and follow through with the consequences. I would consider a
call block if she won't stop calling to rant. Or get an unlisted
number with privacy manager. I would also suggest keeping any
answering machine tapes with her fits of rage in case you need any
proof down the road. I wouldn't ask DH's approval on it.
Just start putting them away. Good luck to you. It sounds
like you need it!
RESPONSE: MIL Thrives On Turmoil and Chaos
Posted: 03-DEV-01
Wow, your MIL is a lunatic! Thank God your DH
sees her for what she is, and the two of you got out of there so fast!
One suggestion: Get caller ID if you don't have it, and don't
answer the phone when that looney tune calls! She is selfish,
cruel, and insensitive. And you are both better off without her!
RESPONSE: MIL Thrives On Turmoil and Chaos
Posted: 05-DEV-01
Oh my! Your story sounds close to mine.
I've been married about 15 years. It doesn't get better with
time. I finally figured out (I was young and dense at the time)
that my MIL was going through hormonal problems. It happens
to a lot of women, unfortunately. We had to move in for a short
time (2X) waiting for housing. I ended up doing all the cooking
and cleaning. After a while, when we moved out, I would screen
my calls (or caller ID is a good idea). We had 12 hour days,
and people need their rest, right? It's too easy to let this
turmoil get in the way of your relationship. If people have
kids, it just gets more awful to deal with a moody person! I
personally don't have children, and I feel that MIL wouldn't give
me any positive feedback, or be a good baby-sitter. Good luck.
I found the best way was to stay away! Tell them you "have
other plans " and put the message machine on! Take care.
RESPONSE: MIL Thrives On Turmoil and Chaos
Posted: 06-DEV-01
It seems strange that first your MIL was fine, and
it was only after the pregnancy that she changed. I cannot believe
the crude comments she made to you about race, and that you would
hate your light-skinned child. People are really sick!!!
Leaders need to educate people everywhere that humans are 99.9% genetically
related and that race does not exist really. It is only in their
sick minds!!! As to her hurting you by using your past, you
should never ever tell an in-law anything about your past. Say
only the positive, even if you have to lie. They can use anything
negative or bad about your family and back stab you with it.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: MIL Thrives On Turmoil and Chaos
Posted: 06-DEV-01
Wow, she sounds like a nutcase. At least you
guys moved out rather than try to suffer it out. It sounds like
you all could have been there together for a really long time.
Better just to let them get on with their own stuff and you get on
with yours.
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