Posted: 13-DEC-01
I am writing this about my MIL. She is a very
loving person, and her whole intention is to HELP. I love her
to death, but sometimes her help is a little overbearing. I
would never want to hurt her feelings. She is the type of person
that will get mad, and go crazy over a tiny little incident.
We had a reception in our hometown for the people who couldn't attend
our wedding, because we were married out of state. At this reception,
my MIL told my aunt that she went through our drawers in our house
while we were away on our honeymoon. She was taking care of
our cats. I don't know exactly what was said. I didn't
find out about it until about a month later when my mom told me that
my aunt suggested that if I had anything that I didn't want my MIL
to see, I needed to hide it. I was furious. I called my
husband. He told me that he knew, but he didn't want to tell
me because he knew that I would be upset. When I got home, my
husband was talking to his dad. He asked him what drawers she
went through. His dad told him that she looked in our kitchen
drawers to see what dishes we had. I said ok. My husband
told him not to say anything to his mom because she would get mad.
They hung up. Five seconds later she called back and said that
we had a problem and she was on her way to our house. She pulled
up and jumped out of the truck in her pajamas. I walked up to
her and put my hands to her face and told her that everything was
OK and that it was just a miscommunication. She came into our
house and cussed me out in my own living room. She told me that
my family and I needed to learn some things, and that this was bull.
She cussed me for something that I didn't do. My husband didn't
say anything. I was so mad that I was crying. She slammed
the front door in my face. I told my husband that she would
never see her future grandchildren if she was going to act like that.
She was eavesdropping and heard. She came back in the door crying.
She talked about not having a father. She brings that into every
fight. Any little thing that happens, and she flies off the
handle. Whether I did it or not, it is my fault. My husband told me
that talking to her will only make things worse. Sometimes I
just want to tell her off, but it will just make her fury worse.
I don't know what to do.
Signed - Sometimes Her
Help Is A Little Overbearing
RESPONSE: Sometimes Her Help Is A Little Overbearing
Posted: 25-DEC-01
That "woman" is playing you and DH like an
out-of-tune-two-dollar-fiddle. Wake up!!! She is trying
to control you and DH. She is not being "helpful",
she is being manipulative. If you don't like something she is
doing, put a stop to it. Don't worry about her flying off the
handle. It is time for her to stop using her "hard"
life as an excuse and grow up. Plus, I'm not sure why her not
having a dad has anything to do with her relationship with you and
DH. Tell your DH that you are going to start developing a backbone
and stand up for yourself, and he'd better get on board, or life is
going to be a really bumpy ride.
RESPONSE: Sometimes Her Help Is
A Little Overbearing
Posted: 25-DEC-01
I could not understand if you were being polite by
saying that you loved her. I feel that she is just the kind
of MIL we all have, and if that is the case, it is not possible to
love her. Someone on this site gave me very good advice, which
I think you should follow: Stop talking to her. Avoid
her, and speak only when you have to say good morning or something
as small as that. Do not act angry. Just ignore her, and
avoid having conversation with her. There are two benefits of
doing this: She gets the message that she is not required in
your life without you saying it explicitly, and secondly, she will
never say something that will hurt you, since you do not talk at all.
Even if she starts a conversation and tries to hurt you, just pretend
that you did not hear what she said. She will SHUT Up after
some time. I recently stopped talking to my MIL on the phone.
She lives far from us. I hope I sent across a message to her
without my saying anything.
RESPONSE: Sometimes Her Help Is A Little Overbearing
Posted: 25-DEC-01
It sounds like we have similar situations. My
MIL is very helpful and caring, but also overbearing. Heck,
the woman bought Christmas presents for my husband's aunts in our
names. I think we are adults and can shop for ourselves.
But, like your husband, my DH says nothing. He tells me that
if I say anything, it will only make things worse. Avoidance
isn't an answer, but he's been doing it his whole life with his parents,
and he's miserable. What is wrong with our husbands? That,
I think, is the real problem. MIL is secondary. She can
only really get away with what our husband's or wives allow.
RESPONSE: Sometimes Her Help Is A Little Overbearing
Posted: 25-DEC-01
I think you are a saint to say ANYTHING good about
this woman!!
RESPONSE: Sometimes Her Help Is A Little Overbearing
Posted: 7-JAN-02
You were very nice to say anything good at all about
this woman. She doesn't sound helpful to me. She sounds
like an immature, bad-tempered psycho! It was nice of her to
watch your cats while you were gone. But, the minute she drove
up to your house like a crazy woman in her pajamas, cussing and acting
like a total jack@ass, she undid any of her good deeds. She
also overreacted if she was innocent of going through your things,
if you ask me. It's one thing to get your feelings hurt a little
bit if someone wonders if you went through their drawers, but it's
another thing to go off the deep end like that. That remark
about not having a father was also manipulative. And, it sounds
like it was her sorry attempt to get pity after she went too far.
I agree with one of the other posters - you are a saint!
Worst gift: Posted: 23-DEC-01
On Christmas, my MIL gave me the most horribly ugly
Christmas sweater you have ever seen. When I held it up, she
said to me: Too bad Christmas is over. It looks like you
can't wear that until next year. Well, I did wear it the next
year, and I made sure I told everyone, as sweetly as I could, that
my MIL got it for me. Now, she was the one embarrassed, because
this sweater was awful.
Signed - Snag in My Sweater
RESPONSE: Snag in My Sweater
Posted: 7-JAN-02
That was a great story. I would have done the
same thing.
Posted: 03-DEC-01
I have recently separated from my H, despite being
6 months pregnant, because I cannot stand his refusal to support me
against the tirade of abuse that I have suffered from his parents
over the years. MIL is one of those overbearing types who has
made it clear that she will only be happy when her DSs love her more
than me. Her exact words were, "They'll come to me.
They'll choose me, and then you'll be sorry." For years,
she has ignored me, lied about me to my H and her mother, hounded
me to the point of absolute despair, and told me that, unless she
gets to see the children more, she will have nothing to live for.
H responded by becoming severely depressed, smoking lots and lots
of dope, and, of course, blaming me for making him and his mother
miserable. And, I would not comply to her constant demands.
So, I had 2 little DS's, 2 jobs, an H who was chronically depressed
for years (and not working or participating in family life) - and
I am always the bad guy. H continued to berate and abuse me
and not accept that his mother would ever have said the things she
did, even when I was distraught to the point of despair. When
I found out I was pregnant, H told me that I could either have an
abortion or let his mother look after our children more. As
for FIL, he is a total bully. He has abused his wife for years
and is argumentative and unpleasant. On a family day out, he
restrained me and verbally abused me in front of H, his family, and
our little children. This is the man that killed H's pets in
front of him, and actually ate his pet eel. I'm tired of being
the bad guy and being blamed for the break down of our family.
All I wanted was for my H to love me and our kids and be involved
in our lives. Instead, I became the scapegoat for all of H and
his parent's problems. I was the reason they were all miserable,
but none of them ever cared about how I felt. So, if you think
that you're heading down this road now, do something about it.
Don't marry and have kids unless H is an orphan, you live 10,000 miles
from his parents, and your IL's don't have psychiatric problems.
You'll never find your H supporting you when you need it most.
Signed - Pregnant, The
Bad Guy, And Alone
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I hate to sound this way, but why did you marry him
in the first place? Also, if he and his family were so awful,
why did you have children with your DH? No matter what, you
are tied to DH and family forever. I hope other women who are
in similar situations take your lead and leave (hopefully before there
is a marriage or children). You don't just hurt yourself by
staying and trying to work it out, you can also end up hurting your
family - and worst yet, your children.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Most of us are in the same boat. It's so sad
that the ILs try deliberately to destroy our marriages. My MIL
is a miserable old troll. She is so unhappy that she can't stand
the fact that DH and I have been making it (10 years). She also
calls me a liar, tells me off, and guess what? DH is just a
little boy around her. He is supposed to be the man of my household,
and he is the protector of our family, yet he cowers to his mommy,
and allows her to take over when she comes over. I am so sorry
for your separation. I hate to see marriages, today, fail.
It is far too common these days. My MIL is causing a rift between
DH and I as well. So, I also understand that you just can't
take the abuse (for yourself and your children) any longer.
It's totally unfair of them to ask us to be the ones abused so they
can have their families. So many men (boys) don't understand
that once you marry, your WIFE becomes your #1 priority Most
of us just aren't that lucky. Please, take it easy. You
are under far too much stress under your condition. Take care
and God bless.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I live half way across the world from my MIL, but believe
me, I have been having sleepless nights for the past 6 months.
So, I think I am right in correcting you by saying - MARRY ONLY WHEN
DH IS AN ORPHAN - OR DON'T MARRY AT ALL.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I won't go into specifics, but I can really relate
to your story, and I want to say CONGRATULATIONS. It is so hard
to let go of a man that you love, especially when children are involved.
However, from what you described, your home with your husband is not
a good environment for you or your children. I give you three
cheers for standing up to him and his family, and taking control of
your life. I wish you all the luck in the world. And,
while things may be hard, don't forget you always have us for support.
My heart goes out to you, and, again, good luck.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Dear Pregnant: I'm having a hard time not sobbing
after reading your story. I think I'm going to start praying
for you (although I don't know who you are, and I'm not terribly religious).
You poor thing! Hopefully, you have family members (other than
DH's family) that you can look to for emotional support right now.
I'm sure it's critical! I'm no counselor (this is my caveat),
but I'd say that DH had as many problems as his mother. Don't
blame yourself or feel like you somehow handled the situation in a
way that is sub-par. It doesn't seem like there was anything
you could have done about the horrible family dynamic that your in-laws
had. When the DH is THAT BAD (the thing about the abortion ultimatum
really gets me), IMHO, it's beyond repair (and, your DH obviously
has some serious mental/emotional problems that are independent of
his mother at this point). How dare he treat you so horribly?
What the he!! are men like him thinking? You aren't cattle.
What about RESPECTING your wife (forget about love)? At least
some RESPECT is definitely in order! You hang in there!
I'm pulling for you!!!! You made the right choice, and PLEASE
don't let him change your mind about it! You may be mad now,
but in the future, it might get difficult for you to stand your ground.
Do it for your baby and other children. GEEEZ! What a
creep that guy is! Good job getting out of that family!
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I'm so sorry that things are so difficult for you right
now. You don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone, let
alone your own husband. The man is a fool to let his dysfunctional
family continue their legacy of craziness by infecting his own marriage
and children. You are smart to leave your H. He needs
a lot of help with both his substance abuse and his inability to separate
himself from his parents. Until he loses everything and hits
his rock bottom, he will continue to be in denial. I hope you
are able to make a better life for yourself and your children.
I wish you the very best, and I will say a prayer for you. Good
luck!
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I am very sorry for you. What an awful thing
to have happen for so long. Why did you wait until now, though?
At least you are moving on. It may be very difficult right now,
but at least the abuse will stop. What a horrible husband you
had. Absolutely Horrible. If I were you, I'd make sure
I had complete custody of your children, and NEVER allow his family
to see the kids again. Do you really want them exposed?
If you have to, move far, far away and get restraining orders.
But, do not, under any circumstances, expose your children to that
anymore. Good Luck.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 26-DEC-01
I am really sorry to hear about your H and IL problems.
I am very proud that you are strong for yourself and your kids.
I was married to a man that abused me all the time, mentally and physically.
When he mentioned kids, it made me run. I just couldn't see
myself married to a man like that, and letting my kids live through
what I was going through. Now, I am married and have a beautiful
baby boy who is 5 months old. Of course, when I told my mom
I was getting divorced, she replied, "Well, what about DH's (my
x) feelings?" Can you believe it?!! Now she complains
about how my husband will dip every once in a long while. My
reply was, "Well, if he never raises a hand at me, I really don't
care how much he dips." But, yet, my mother never complained
about how my x treated me. But, looking at my parent's relationship,
I can see why. Take care. I'm so proud of you!
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy,
And Alone
Posted: 26-DEC-01
I don't like the first respondent's post AT ALL.
To ask the original poster, "Why did you marry him in the first
place?" is both insensitive and frankly, just plain asinine.
Hindsight is 20/20 for all of us, and there's nothing the original
poster can do now about a PAST choice. Let's offer constructive
advice on how to deal with the poster's problem NOW, instead of beating
her up about past choices. To the original poster: My
advice is to find some people who truly care about you, to gain support
during this difficult time. My heart goes out to you.
I hope you know, deep inside, that you've done the right thing for
your future. Stay strong. Hugs.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy,
And Alone
Posted: 26-DEC-01
I just wanted to let you know that you are doing the
right thing by letting this guy go. This appears to be one whack-job
of a family. How could anyone come out normal after their father
consumed their pets. That is like serial killer stuff.
I know how it feels to be the scapegoat as well. I have 4 month
old triplets, and a three year old, and they are all on different
schedules. My husband doesn't participate much, but he does
work full-time (I will give him that). So, basically, I am left
to manage a household, three babies and a toddler on about 2 hours
of sleep. Well, my MIL constantly wants to know why can't I
work so my DH doesn't have to work overtime, or why can't I keep my
housework up? She always tries to make me look bad. And,
she blames me for all that is wrong in the world. I think that
you are making the right decision. Besides, you don't need someone
who is abusing drugs around your children. Stick to your guns.
If DH doesn't participate much with your kids, then they won't be
missing much anyway. Stay away from those crazies!!! Best
of luck.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 7-JAN-02
This is in response to the second poster on December
26th. The first respondent's post was neither "insensitive"
nor "asinine". She asked some very legitimate questions.
It sounds as if the original poster might have been, or is still involved
in an emotionally abusive relationship. If that is the case,
she DOES need to look back at her past choices to ensure she gets
out of this destructive cycle, and to ensure she doesn't make the
same mistakes again in the future. I've known abused people
who leap from one bad relationship to the other, or continually return
to the same bad relationship over and over. People involved
in abusive relationships deserve support and sympathy, but that does
not make them any less responsible for the consequences of their choices,
particularly when those choices involve and impact innocent children.
If you treat someone like a victim all the time, they will always
see themselves that way, and not take the responsibility to change
their life. Are you really that emotionally fragile that you
feel you need to attack someone just for asking a reasonable question?
Perhaps you are firmly entrenched in victim mode yourself, and don't
want anyone to ask you the hard questions that show you do have the
power to change your situation. The first response was far more
helpful to the original poster than one like yours could ever be.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy,
And Alone
Posted: 7-JAN-02
To the respondent who said she didn't like the first
response, YOU GO GIRL! I couldn't have said it any better than
you did! That first respondent was insensitive and judgmental,
to say the least! He/she wrote in as if they were perfect and
didn't make mistakes. We all learn from our mistakes, and that
is what makes us strong! The poster of this story needs support,
not criticism. To the poster: I hope your leaving your
husband has knocked some sense into him, and he realizes what is most
important - YOU! I feel badly for you that you're alone and
pregnant, and pray that you have family to help you.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 7-JAN-02
Oh, I feel for you. There's no way to know in
advance that your ILs will be this way. You never expect that
those who also love the one you love will treat you so miserably.
I also have a MIL from he!!, but, fortunately, she finally went too
far, and my husband has broken contact with her permanently.
I am pregnant, too. I think you have to be strong for yourself
and your children. There's no point beating yourself up, because
you can't change the past.
Posted: 28-DEC-01
I just found this site, and think it is a great idea!
My MIL really burned me up today, and I really don't have anyone to
tell. Here goes: My MIL comes to my home every Thursday
to watch my little ones so I can go to work. Once a week is
her time to come over. The rest of the week, the kids are at
daycare. This gives us a break on daycare expense. She
came over this morning, and quietly told me what she bought the kids
for Christmas so that I wouldn't buy duplicates. I already shopped,
and wrote a list for her of everything I bought to prevent duplicates.
I gave her that list 2 weeks ago. One of the gifts she just
bought was a duplicate. The gift I bought for my daughter was
a game she will be very excited to open. It's wrapped and ready
for Christmas. My MIL accused me of not writing the item on
the "already bought list" and said that that is why she
bought it. I know I wrote it on the list, but the list is not
available to look at anymore. She didn't keep it. I told
her that I already had the gift wrapped - she didn't budge.
That is the gift she is giving my daughter. Her shopping is
done, period. She actually expects me to unwrap the gift and
take it back! I went to work all flustered. I called my
sister and asked if her kids might want it, but they're not into that
game. There's no one else on my Christmas list to shop for.
I emailed a friend who said to take my gift back and that life is
too short! She said I would find something better. I called
my MIL and told her that I was stumped on what to do about the duplicate.
She said, "Well, I could take mine back." I asked
her if she would have time or did she want me to go with her.
When she said, "No, I'll take it back this week or next week,
after Christmas," it was very clear that this was the beginning
of a major stress between us. If she didn't win, she was going
to be sure I was miserable. She actually hung up without saying
good-bye. Am I the only person who feels that she should take
her gift back because she bought a duplicate? I really, really
am looking forward to my daughter opening this gift. Am I doomed
to always see that game in my house and feel miserable or selfish?
That woman is at my house probably doing my laundry, and I am at work
feeling terrible.
Signed - Everything Going
Great, Until Now
RESPONSE: Everything Going Great, Until Now
Posted: 7-JAN-02
Next year, give your MIL the list. Make sure
FIL and DH see the list (and see you give her the list). That
way, there is no denying what is on the list. Another solution
to the problem is to donate the duplicate to charity. To make
yourself look good, offer to buy the duplicate from MIL and let her
know you'll be giving it to a shelter or other such charity.
Those kids can always use a new toy or game.
Posted: 13-DEC-01
My future MIL (the wedding is weeks away) stated, at
a recent family gathering, that she will be wearing black to our wedding.
To set the stage - this woman tried to prevent her adult son from
having a relationship with me for years because of our racial differences.
When he finally told her we planned to be together forever, she seemed
to soften. When we got engaged, she badgered us about having
a "wedding the whole family could attend." We were
going alone to the islands to marry (in a simple ceremony) and honeymoon.
She complained for months that she was not "invited", saying
she just wanted to be there. We have since changed our travel
plans, and will marry in a family only ceremony here in the USA.
She, of course, is still complaining. Now I know why.
She wants to ruin our day by wearing black as an act of silent protest!
She even pouted through my bridal shower. UUUUUGH!
Signed - Frustrated Bride-to-be
RESPONSE: Frustrated Bride-to-be
Posted: 25-DEC-01
Lesson one: You will never win! Lesson
two: This will woman will be in your life forever, set the rules
now. Lesson three: Have a lot of friends to vent to.
RESPONSE: Frustrated Bride-to-be
Posted: 6-JAN-02
Wow. I am sorry to hear how poorly your FMIL
is treating you. I, too, have a terrible MIL. I would
not wish a mean MIL on my worst enemy when trying to plan and enjoy
a wedding. My MIL did the same thing at our shower. She
was upset because we did not do exactly as she wished at our shower
- long story. So, to get us back, she got into a verbal fight
with another lady at the shower, she said bad things about my mother
in the vestibule, and she pouted the entire time. It was very
pathetic. But, you know what? She only made herself look
bad. Everyone was looking at her in disgust, and pitying DH
and I. And, her antics did not change any of our plans, and
did not lessen the beauty or importance of our wedding events.
Please try not to let her win by bothering you. All she wants
is the attention anyway. Do not give it to her. Be the
better people, and just try to stay away from her a little more.
If she acts sad, totally ignore her. I know it is not the ideal
situation, but it would be very hard for you to change your plans
at this point, I'm sure. The important thing is that you and
your FDH love each other and WILL be married - with her blessings
or not. Good Luck to you and your FDH. Congratulations
on the upcoming wedding!
Posted: 26-DEC-01
I have dated my fiancé for three years, and
we have been engaged for six months. His mother and sister have
been a constant source of dissension for the past two years.
It all started when his sister, who is a bitter and mean person, decided
that she "got a bad vibe" off of me and started to bad mouth
me to my fiancé's mother. My future MIL told my fiancé
that he better "fix it" between him and his sister, or she
was going to cut him out of the family. His sister said some
very hurtful things about me, including calling me a gold digger,
and made sure that she told enough people so it would get back to
me. When I confronted her about it, she started crying and told
my MIL a lot of untrue things about what I had said. My future
MIL has, since then, gone out of her way to thwart our wedding plans,
and to make my fiancé miserable. I refuse to visit or
to deal with them, and my fiancé plans on cutting them off
as soon as he is out of graduate school and can buy his own car (they
have loaned him a car to use). My MIL is rude to my mother and
father, and is, in general, the most awful person I have ever met.
Signed - The Most Awful
Person I Have Ever Met
RESPONSE: The Most Awful Person I Have Ever Met
Posted: 6-JAN-02
Take my advice - RUN. RUN VERY QUICKLY!
DON'T LOOK BACK! It WILL get worse, I can assure you.
It will be worse than you ever imagined it would. Just wait
until you have children with this man. Then, she will REALLY
give you problems. RUN, RUN, RUN! If he lets this go on
now (he can put a stop to it no matter what anyone says), he will
let it go on after you are married. Do you really want this
the rest of your life? Maybe, if your fiancé sees how
serious you are about him putting an end to it or else, he will take
care of this (which should have been taken care of the first time
ANYONE in his family said ANYTHING bad about you). If he sees
how serious you are and doesn't do anything, then that just proves
that I am right. You will have to spend the rest of your life
putting up with this. I know this from personal experience.
I am just trying to help out someone in a similar situation.
I truly wish you all the best. If you do marry him, simply ask
for a valium or prozac bridal shower from his family, so you can put
up with them better. My SIL and I are both on antidepressants
because of the MIL we share!
RESPONSE: The Most Awful Person
I Have Ever Met
Posted: 6-JAN-02
I really feel for you. My advice is for you to
let your in-laws-to-be stew in their own juices. People who
interfere in a spiteful way get what's coming to them as a result
of their own actions. Your man has done the right thing, prioritizing
you above them, and defending you. People who b!tch like that
are insecure, b!tchy, unhappy people. And, no doubt, the b!tching
is directed at others in their lives also.
RESPONSE: The Most Awful Person I Have Ever Met
Posted: 6-JAN-02
Run away from this as fast as you can. No matter
how much you love him, it won't make things easier. Those two
women will only get worse in time. Signed: Speaking From
Experience or Should Have Left Sooner.
RESPONSE: The Most Awful Person I Have Ever Met
Posted: 6-JAN-02
Leave him. Trust me, blood is thicker than water.
And, in the end, you cannot compete with someone's family. Avoid
a life of anger and resentment - get out now.
Posted: 25-DEC-01
It's 3:30 in the morning, and I can't sleep.
Why? Because of the most hateful person in the whole world.
Yes, I know you all guessed who it is. Today is one of those
days when I can't get her out of my mind. I am soooooooooooo
irritated, that I am not able to do anything at all. Is it my
fault that FIL died (he died when DH was 5yrs old) and now all MIL
does is lean on us for support (even though she lives miles away from
us, and we meet only on Christmas)? Why the he!! does she have
to make my life miserable?? I read a little of the book on emotional
incest, and that is exactly what she does to us! Every
day she talks about how she is alone, and how she is a widow who is
totally dependent on us. Bullsh!t. She is working and
earning a good living. Still, we have to constantly support
her financially. She is financially stable and happy in her
life, but whenever she talks to us, she makes us feel guilty for abandoning
her. We call twice a week and have listen to all her sh!t.
SILs are always trying to put the guilt of being without a father
on DH, and pretending that he is their father, and has to solve all
their problems - financial and otherwise. I am the youngest
of all my brothers and sisters, and so is DH. I am not used
to having such a burden put on me, and I get emotionally disturbed
by the fact that everyone is leaning on DH and me. It is starting
to get to me, and I am about to explode. DH is used to this
emotional torture, and is able to take the pressure. I can't
even say a word to DH about it, as he already has enough on his hands.
Sometimes, when I try, he understands me. But, he tells me that,
since he does not have a father, he has to listen and look out for
them. I feel that it is OK to look out for each other in a family,
but it is another to try to find a father in your brother who is 15
years younger than you are. I don't know what to do. Sometimes,
I am so upset with all this that I feel like leaving everything behind
me and leaving. Sometimes, I want to fight back and tell all
of them to leave us alone, as we have our own set of problems.
I am also sick and tired of MIL and SIL feeling resentment towards
me, which only I can see, and DH does not. They are threatened
by me, because they know I am the only person who is closer to DH
than they will ever be. I want to have a good relationship with
them, but I know that it is impossible. The only way I will
be able to please them is by changing myself completely, forgetting
about my values, and being the person who they want me to be.
These people resort to back biting about me to DH, and indirectly
saying bad things to me. I am very hurt and angry, but I don't
know what to do. I can't ask my DH to leave and forget his family,
as I know he loves them and cannot abandon them. I will not
be happy seeing him unhappy. I, also, do not like them for the
things they have done to me. I cannot take the burden of what
they expect out of me. I am, right now, going through a very
difficult period in my life, which DH and I cannot share with the
ILs or anybody. These guys are putting so much strain on me
that I feel like giving up and letting things happen on their own.
But, right now, I am at that stage of life that, if I give up, I will
never achieve what I want to achieve. I don't know what I will
do. Thanks for listening. Getting responses is not the
objective of my entry today. I just wanted to get it out of
my system. Bear with me if it is confusing. I do not have
any real friends with whom I can share all these personal problems.
Thanks.
Signed - Troubled And Clueless
On What To Do Next
RESPONSE: Troubled And Clueless On What To Do Next
Posted: 6-JAN-02
I was in the same, or almost the same boat . My
DH and I were the only ones in his family who had any income.
Everyone looked to us for financial and emotional support. My
MIL lived with us, on and off, for three years. When we suggested
that she get her own place, she would talk like she would be living
on the streets in a cardboard box, etc. My SIL, her boyfriend,
and her kids (six) lived with us for six months, during which time
I had my one year old son, and my DH was the only adult in the house
(of five adults and eight kids) to be working. To top that off,
someone called Children's Services on my SIL. CS investigated
all the children in the house - my son was considered "at risk"
for being in the same home as my SIL (the charge was that she neglected
her kids). I was ready to pull my hair out! I was at the
very end of my rope. And, you know what? I took my son
and I walked away from the whole mess! It took a couple of weeks
with my family, and I was able to step back and see the situation
for what it was. My DH couldn't, or wouldn't put his foot down
and demand that his family get their own place, or even get a job,
and start paying us rent. He didn't, or wouldn't, tell his SIL
(his brother's wife, not even blood related - his brother was in jail).
I was the only one that seemed to find the situation unbearable, and
I left. Once I was away from the situation for a few weeks,
I was able to realize that our marriage really wasn't much of a marriage,
and I sought a divorce. It's been six years now, and I can honestly
say the divorce was the best thing that I ever could have done.
My ex even has a better life now. He couldn't help his family,
so they had to learn how to do it on their own.
RESPONSE: Troubled And Clueless
On What To Do Next
Posted: 6-JAN-02
You are not alone on this one. "Real"
friends are hard to come by, especially those who understand without
judging. I know your goal wasn't to get responses, but your
story seemed close to home to me. My husband's family always
expected him to do what was right for them, forget that HE had his
own life. Now, since he won't conform, they've cut him off.
It's been a strange, peaceful silence. The holidays are really
hard, knowing his family won't accept him. Your husband is trapped
the same way. He is stuck between who he wants to be and who
he feels he has to be. And, where does that leave you?
I'll tell you where it leaves you - watching him being taken advantage
of on a daily basis. It will be up to him to set new limits.
You'll need to talk about this before it gets any worse. He
needs you on his team, always. Unconditional love probably doesn't
exist in their family.
Frequent
Fry Her TM -
MIL Hell 1 of 4 /Posted: 25-DEC-01
I can't believe it. My MIL and I are actually
talking! But, of course, something bad just happened and she
needs support. I don't mind giving it right now in her time
of need, and I can tell that this is going to be a hard Christmas
for her and my BIL. You have to know what happened. Well
it starts like this: My husband's brother is married, and they
got into debt with credit cards, etc. They had been trying for
about a year to take out a second mortgage on their house, and kept
getting turned down because of all the negative marks on their credit.
Well, this started causing a lot of stress on their marriage, and
things started going downhill. My ILs saw this happening to
their son and his wife, so they offered to cosign for a second mortgage
to pay off all the debt, so there would be less stress on their marriage.
So, the loan was taken out on the house, and now his wife is gone.
She took off with all the money, and left my BIL. And, now,
the family is devastated. I know this is sad, but it has brought
my MIL closer, and we are now talking. It actually gave me the
opportunity to offer an ear and a shoulder to her, and she really
appreciates it. So, maybe things will turn around for us, because
I really do like being part of the family. It's just hard to
swallow the idea that someone in the family could actually take all
that money and run. She even has two kids who are now left with
my BIL!! What do you ladies think? Do you think she ran
off with another man??
RESPONSE: Devastated And Confused
Posted: 6-JAN-02
It never fails, that those who get help from their
in-laws are the ones who are as worthless as your SIL is. Too
bad it took this for your MIL to see you as the decent person you
are. Be careful, though - be really careful. I don't want
to see you hurt again.
RESPONSE: Devastated And Confused
Posted: 6-JAN-02
OH, MERCIFUL GOD! What a wife that BIL had.
Maybe it's a plus that she's gone. Someone who leaves behind
2 kids is not worth spitting on. And as for your MIL, come on.
You know the truth. Just don't mistake the cry for help of your
MIL as a sign of true friendship or anything close to it.
Worst gift: Posted: 17-DEC-01
After my first child was born, my MIL came to visit
in order to see our new baby. When she arrived, she said she
had a present for me. She told me that my DH mentioned that
I had gotten fat (on top of being pregnant), so she found the perfect
gift - a girdle!!! Needless to say, MILs in glass houses -------.
Signed - Slim And Trim
After Two
RESPONSE: Slim And Trim After Two
Posted: 5-JAN-02
A girdle? Since when do 80 year old women give
birth? What's up with that? How rude!
RESPONSE: Slim And Trim After Two
Posted: 5-JAN-02
What an awful woman! Why would your MIL think
that she could get so personal with you? I would have handed
it back and said, "Sorry! I'm sure DH loves me for what
I am!
RESPONSE: Slim And Trim After Two
Posted: 5-JAN-02
I am in agreement with you. My "so called
MIL" writes me insults about having a "fat ass".
My DH thinks it is humorous because I am on the thin side, size 12,
and kind of tall, and his mommy is about 5' 2" and weighs 200+
pounds!!!
RESPONSE: Slim And Trim After Two
Posted: 5-JAN-02
I know your pain. A few years back, my MIL got
me a gift certificate for liposuction. I'll never forgive her,
although she pretends to this day that it was an "iiiiiiinnocent"
gift. Yeah, right.
Posted: 02-DEC-01
My in-laws are great. My MIL helps us and my
two sisters-in-law with our kids. The problem I have is my husband's
11 year old niece. She is the oldest grandchild - there are
4 in total. She is very, very disrespectful to everyone.
This child runs over her mother, her grandmother, and all of her cousins.
She fights with my two year old, and loves to bully my 5 year old.
However, when I am around, I put a stop to her. This makes me
look like the bad one. When she hits or pushes my two kids,
I always start by asking her nicely to stop. However, her mother
just sits there along with my MIL and never asks her to stop.
I then change my tone of voice and sternly ask her to stop or I'll
have to spank her. I have never touched her and never will.
It seems to work when I change my tone of voice. However, no
one corrects this child. I refuse to go to my SIL's house because
she becomes a little sh!t. She does not know how to share or
be a good host.
Signed - No One Corrects
This Child
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
Whether or not you agree with the concept of spanking,
it is certainly inappropriate under ALL circumstances to: A)
Discipline someone else's child in the presence of the parent and
B) Spank an 11-year-old (an adolescent). Spanking an adolescent
girl, especially one whom it is not your responsibility to discipline,
could be considered a sexual assault.
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
That is a problem. It sounds like you're handling
it well, except that threatening to physically discipline another's
child is a no-no (even if you never plan to actually do it).
Don't be too hard on your MIL for not stepping in to discipline the
girl either. She may feel, and rightfully so, that it is the
girl's mother who needs to correct her! This is a tricky situation.
If you can, and do, limit your children's exposure to your niece,
then just handle things as they come up and keep the peace.
Or, if you're willing to risk a confrontation, you could start addressing
things more pointedly. The next time your niece hits, fights,
or bullies one of your children, simply get up and tell the kids that
it's time to go. Maybe her mommy will get the hint! If
not, maybe your niece will learn that if she misbehaves, she'll lose
her playmates. The other thing you could try is simply to ask
your SIL to step in. There is no excuse for an 11 year old to
behave that way with much younger children! You can express
it as being concerned as much for the well-being of your niece as
for your own kids. I can relate a little. Even though
I don't have kids of my own, I have a three year old nephew who lives
with me. He's a sweet, wonderful little boy. I have a
niece who is much older, and he just adores her. She's mostly
a good girl, but as she gets older, she is becoming increasingly spoiled,
bossy, manipulative and superficial. Her mother (whom I love
and respect) is just one of those moms who thinks her kids do no wrong.
As my niece is getting older, I see her becoming very manipulative,
selfish and superficial. I feel guilty for saying this, but
I almost don't enjoy being around her anymore. When I'm at their
house, she demands my complete attention and tries to order me around!
When I don't allow this, and finally break away so I can visit my
brother and his wife, she pouts something awful. She expects
to get her way. At a family function, recently, my sister went
outside to find my niece and another older child picking on my nephew
and calling him a monster. My nephew was just sobbing.
I heard about it after the fact, and it broke my heart for my nephew!
I'm furious with my niece. If I'd been there, I would have pulled
her aside and given her a piece of my mind and demanded that she apologize.
This probably would have resulted in her pouting and running to her
mother, resulting in a huge family blow up. But, I think I would
have done it anyway. I love my niece, but I just can't stand
watching children bully or pick on other children. There is
NO excuse for it, and adults who let it happen deserve a good swift
kick in the rear!
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
This type of thing happens all of the time at my house
as well! It is very frustrating to try and be a good host when
someone else's kid is running around with full drinks in their hands!
UGHHH! I hear you girl!
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
There is something wrong when an 11 year old is beating
up on a 2 and 5 year old. You need to do whatever it takes to
protect your children! They are just babies, and your niece
has the potential to do them some serious harm, whether she means
to or not! You need to get your DH involved. He has to
speak to his sister. If she refuses to see the problems, and
cries for attention that her daughter is displaying, then you may
have to limit contact with her until she takes some responsibility!!
Good luck!
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
I know how you feel. My BIL (DH's brother) has
a daughter who is 6. She is 4 months younger than my DD.
This niece of my husband's is a terror. No one, not her mother
nor her father, says anything to her. They just ignore her.
My DH and I dread spending any time with them. We have to spend
the next day deprogramming my DD after a day with the cousin.
My MIL keeps saying that someone should say something, but no one
ever does. BIL is MIL's favorite, and MIL spends quite a lot
of time watching the daughter. There is no consistency in this
child's life. On the one hand, I felt sorry for her when she
was younger and did not know any better. But, now, she is just
becoming a huge brat. I can see things getting much worse.
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
I can't stand disrespectful kids or parents.
But, threatening the child (and she is a child) is totally out of
line. Don't be around her if you absolutely can't take it!
I know that would piss me off, no doubt. But, you can't threaten
someone else's kids. Being parents who let kids act like that
is miserable. I know from experience. But, there are always
going to be parents who do things differently than we do. I
think you have tried to talk to the child, and it is not working because
she is a little girl. Her mother is responsible, and if you
want to really put a stop to what is happening, or make a resolution,
go directly to the mom. It is easy to have the courage to threaten
an eleven year old girl who you have become irritated by, but the
real challenge is to voice your concerns with the mom and dad of this
holy terror of a child. That eleven year old will eventually
be a grown up, one day, and so will your kids. Then, they will
make the choice to hang out together, and it will kill you.
So, my advice would be to work it out. Family is family.
Parenting is hard. You have the guts to teach your kids to be
upstanding, and that is great, but don't knock so hard on your SIL.
Maybe she really is clueless about what the girl needs in order to
learn behave. P.S. I know what works with kids like that.
You have to take her to the store with you. Invite her over
for dinner alone. Do something fun with her that she likes,
and begin to teach and develop a good steady relationship. Stop
the negativity. That might be what is causing her rudeness toward
you and your kids. You have told us how you see her. I
wonder how she views you. Anyway, spend time with her, and get
to know her without the negativity. Let her know that things
have been tense and you are not sure why. Tell her that you
would like to start over. You need to tell her the positive
things about her, and then ask her if she can tone it down around
you and your kids. Tell her how much you love your kids and
how it bothers you to see them hurt. Go on to explain that some
of the things (not all) are causing that hurt. Hey, she is human.
I think you just need a different, non-threatening approach.
Eleven year olds are not serial killers. Let's not condemn a
misguided child.
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 5-JAN-02
Maybe you should have some compassion for this eleven
year-old child. She's obviously acting out for some reason.
Try understanding her, and showing love. I had an aunt who was
harsh and judgmental when I was going through a difficult time (adolescence).
I'll never forget her insensitivity and downright meanness.
That was 35 years ago. Try getting in this child's shoes and
developing a bond. She's obviously hurting somewhere deep inside.
Your rigid attitude towards her is not going to help things, but only
make them worse.
Posted: 17-DEC-01
This isn't as horrible as most of the stories here,
but it's just really weird. I just met my FMIL a week ago.
Her first words upon meeting me were, "Oh. She's taller
than me," in a very disappointed tone of voice. And, she
kept coming back to the subject of my height at the slightest provocation.
It's been a week now, and apparently, whenever I'm mentioned in their
house, she comments on how tall I am. And, I'm only 5'6".
Strange.
Signed - Too Tall
RESPONSE: Too Tall
Posted: 5-JAN-02
Just get ready, honey. The deluge is coming!
Sorry to be negative, but that sounds like a jealous/competitive MIL
comment if I ever heard one. Think about it: Would you,
or any other polite person, say anything approaching that about another
person's appearance, let alone a guest in your house and prospective
new family member? WATCH OUT!
RESPONSE: Too Tall
Posted: 5-JAN-02
I feel the vibes. Just another know-it-all MIL.
She sounds dull, if that's all she can say. Good luck.
You still have a chance to see if he is a momma's boy and take it
from there (to see if you want to have a life like that). It
only gets worse.
RESPONSE: Too Tall
Posted: 5-JAN-02
The woman has issues. Be aware.
RESPONSE: Too Tall
Posted: 8-JAN-02
She probably thought her son would go for an exact
replica of herself. And, so, she is affronted that you are that
bit taller.
Posted: 16-DEC-01
We didn't have rice, birdseed, bubbles or confetti
at our wedding (not allowed in the church) or reception. But,
that didn't stop my MIL. After the recessional, while the bridal
party waited for guests to clear out so that we could take pictures,
my MIL raided the poor box, opened a package of rice, chased us down
and threw it at us.
Signed - MIL Raided The
Poor Box
RESPONSE: MIL Raided The Poor Box
Posted: 5-JAN-02
LOL She sounds like a loon. I hope she
was responsible for cleaning it up, though.
Posted: 17-DEC-01
Let me just start out by letting you know that my home
is always clean and smells great. I am very meticulous about
this. I wish I could say the same for HER. SHE came over
one evening (unannounced, of course!). She had a bag with her,
and said she was at the store and thought I could use this, so she
picked it up for me. What was it? Spray on fabric deodorizer.
I looked at her in astonishment and did not know what to say.
My husband interjected and told her that she needed it more than we
did. And he told her to keep it!
Signed - Spray On Fabric
Deodorizer
RESPONSE: Spray On Fabric Deodorizer
Posted: 5-JAN-02
Unless your MIL has a history of behaving in a nasty
manner toward you, I doubt she meant to be insulting. You, yourself,
said that you were meticulous when it came to house work, so she might
have thought you would like the fabric deodorizer. It's funny
how this sort of thing can be misinterpreted. My SIL (bro's
wife) is a cleaning maniac. My niece got her a book called "Talking
Dirty With the Queen of Clean" for Christmas because it has all
kinds of solutions for hard cleaning problems. I shudder to
think that my SIL would be insulted by a gift that was given with
nothing but good intentions!
RESPONSE: Spray On Fabric Deodorizer
Posted: 5-JAN-02
Bravo!
RESPONSE: Spray On Fabric Deodorizer
Posted: 5-JAN-02
Good for your husband!!!
Worst gift: Posted: 16-DEC-01
My MIL always gives cr@ppy gifts. She is quantity,
not quality, so pretty much every gift sucks. But, one year
I was helping her wrap gifts, and when Christmas day rolled around,
I ended up opening gifts from her that I had wrapped. TACKY!!!
Signed - Pretty Much Every
Gift Sucks
RESPONSE: Pretty Much Every Gift Sucks
Posted: 4-JAN-02
I have a relative like that. She would do that,
or she would describe in detail what she bought to me. Then,
later, I would get it. It was usually some silly little thing.
She, of course, expects expensive gifts or unusual things. She
would give things away if she didn't think that they were good enough
for her!
Worst gift: Posted: 02-DEC-01
Last Christmas, the first year I was married, my MIL
kept rambling about how much I was going to love my Christmas present
this year, and she couldn't wait for me to open it. When the
big day finally came to open it, imagine my disappointment when I
opened the package and it contained a bugle. I have never played
or shown the interest to play the bugle before, but now I have one
(complete with my name engraved on it). A year later, she still
occasionally asks if I have begun taking lessons on it yet!
I don't have the heart to say that I have hidden it away and am still
trying to forget it!
Signed - Haven't Begun
Taking Lessons Yet
RESPONSE: Haven't Begun Taking Lessons Yet
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I don't know your MIL, but I know mine. There
is probably a little passive aggressive message behind that bugle.
You know they call the troops to action with a bugle? Is it
possible that she was trying to tell you that you are bossy?
Just wondering.
RESPONSE: Haven't Begun Taking Lessons Yet
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Maybe, your MIL had received the bugle as a gift and
recycled it on you! At least she should have made sure to give
it to someone who had shown an interest in playing the bugle! (LOL!)
RESPONSE: Haven't Begun Taking Lessons Yet
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Tell your MIL that you just aren't like her - so that
you really don't feel the need to "toot your own horn".
But, you are sure you could have her name engraved on it instead.
Or, have it attached to a beautiful wreath, complete with new engraving,
and give it to her this Christmas as a gift for her front door!
RESPONSE: Haven't Begun Taking Lessons Yet
Posted: 16-DEC-01
That's funny! What in the world was she thinking?
RESPONSE: Haven't Begun Taking Lessons Yet
Posted: 4-JAN-02
If MIL isn't being mean in any other way (if she treats
you well at other times), I think I should go with that wreath idea.
You could have it done professionally with lovely sheet music, perhaps
a couple of musical-type ornaments, a burgundy velvet ribbon trimmed
in the same gold color as the horn. You know, do it up good!
Then, if it isn't something you would like, give it to your MIL as
a "wonderful and thoughtful" gift. Maybe she has a
thing for bugles. ;-)
Posted: 25-DEC-01
Thanks, everyone, for all the wonderful advice.
I am the one who wrote, "Just want to get away". My
situation is still the same, except my son will be going to day care
in March. In March, he will be turning four, therefore it is
preschool time. I don't really speak to my SIL anymore.
I avoid her as much as possible. As for my MIL, she is still
watching my son, and offering as much advice, and as many opinions,
as she can. Today, I heard her telling my son, "Let's go
to MOM'S house." I interjected, and asked her if she has
a problem with my son calling her "grandma, nana, or granny,"
etc. She responded by saying that she does not have a problem.
But, I could see by the expression on her face that she did.
My husband does not want to seek counseling. He does not feel
that we have a problem. But, get this: He wanted to buy
his parents a $1,700 shed for Christmas, and to do this he would have
to take the money out of our savings account. In the three years
that we have been married, DH has never spent anything close to this
amount on me. When I told him that I don't agree with this,
his response was, "Well, let's just not get you anything for
Christmas." After some tears and arguing, DH has agreed
to spend $300.00 on his parents. This is how MIL has planned
our Christmas: On Christmas day, MIL and FIL will come over
at 9 am for breakfast. Afterwards, my son and DH are going to
MIL's house to open their presents. I do not want to come to
this event. I just don't know how I am going to get out of it.
My MIL refuses to bring the presents over to my house, when she comes
over at 9 am, because she feels that if my 3 year old son opens her
presents in my house, he is going to think they are from me (cr@p).
I think the real reason is that she wants DH to spend Christmas with
her, as he always has since he was a boy. To understand my situation
better, I have to stress that my DH and his parents are very close.
It is very strange. He is constantly seeking their approval.
I know for a fact that if I were to tell my MIL off, I wouldn't have
a marriage. This is how strongly DH feels about mommy and daddy.
I wish I knew this about him before I got married. However,
I AM married. Now, I just wish this situation would just go
away. Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks again.
Signed - Sick And Tired
Of Being Sick And Tired
RESPONSE: Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired
Posted: 4-JAN-02
I really feel for you. My child is three years
old also, and my MIL behaved pretty badly after she was born.
But, last Christmas, my DH and I had had ENOUGH, and didn't speak
to her for eight months!!! I think that traditions start at
home. You and your child are your DH's family now. He
does not need to ruin your Xmas by running to mommy's house.
At three, your child is old enough to know who gifts come from.
MIL is being absurd!
RESPONSE: Sick And Tired Of Being
Sick And Tired
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Until DH starts putting you and DS first, you have
a problem. If you get any good advice from this site, you may
want to print the responses, as well as some other useful information
and give it to him to read. Then, tell him that you don't want
to come between him and his parents. Rather, you just want him
to get his priorities straight.
Posted: 25-DEC-01
I'm not quite sure, after reading everybody else's"MIL
as a grandma" stories, if I ought to be jumping for joy, or be
incredibly miffed. My hubby and I just had our first baby in
October. Since then, my mom has made time (she works 80 hours
a week) to come over and help with the baby, cook, clean, and just
be there so I can escape for an hour or two. She's helped out
immensely by buying a crib for the baby, along with lots of other
assorted baby things. Now, I never expected my MIL to buy the
baby anything (even though she and FIL are very well off, and my mom
is broke) and I never expected her to come help out after baby was
born. In fact, I'm quite pleased that she hasn't invaded my
home. BUT, I had thought that she would show SOME interest in
the new baby. I asked my hubby why his mom wasn't more excited
about the baby. He replied that it was the 4th grandbaby for
her. I pointed out that it was her son's first baby, and she
ought to be happy for him. So, I'm just a tad befuddled about
my feelings right now. Oh, AND, if any of you remember reading
a past post of mine concerning my concerns about my incredibly violent
young nephew, my SIL caught him trying to drown their kitten in the
bathtub, and he tried to kill his sister's pet frog. MIL and
SILs think that this boy will be a great playmate for my 2 month old
(perhaps when He!! freezes over).
Signed - Befuddled And
Alarmed
RESPONSE: Befuddled And Alarmed
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Your nephew needs psychiatric help immediately!
When children hurt or kill animals, it is a major sign that they are
deeply disturbed. It is not in any way normal, or "boys
will be boys" behavior. Please, NEVER leave your baby alone
with that child, or even with his mother, who is obviously in denial
about how sick her son really is. You need to talk to your DH
about this. And, if he doesn't agree, consult a professional
counselor (who will agree that his nephew is disturbed, and should
not be trusted near your child). Good luck!
RESPONSE: Befuddled And Alarmed
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Kids who abuse animals have a big problem. They
usually go on to abuse people. Seek professional help.
Some people just have no interest in children.
RESPONSE: Befuddled And Alarmed
Posted: 4-JAN-02
This is about the nephew of yours. Don't let
him ANYWHERE near YOUR BABY! It scares the he!! out of me.
If the kid is more than 7 years old, his parents should send him to
a shrink. And, for your SIL, the same.
Posted: 09-DEC-01
My MIL died last night. She was a bright, critical
person who enjoyed her friends and her nieces. She was a woman
who grew up without grandparents, and because of this, I think, lacked
the important role model of what it was to be a grandparent in action.
I knew that my relationship with my MIL was going to be a complicated
one from her criticism of my own mother, and her stuffing of our wedding
invitations. My cakes were too oily, furniture too dusty (as
I would watch her putting her long nailed finger across my tables
and looking at her finger). I tried to be a meticulous housewife.
I tried to bake and cook well for my family, always inviting her to
dinners, treating her with respect, for she was my husband's mother.
I figured that, eventually, I would win her over, or, at least, I
would be respectful. The day we learnt that I was pregnant for
the first time, I was so excited. We had been married for two
years. My husband was sure his mother would be delighted.
As I told my MIL, she said, "Well, don't expect me to baby-sit."
I was floored. I expected her to wish me well, perhaps wish
her son well, and be happy for herself. My husband was sad that
his mother was not the grandmother that he had expected. My
MIL was treated like a queen by all. On holidays, we would join
her for her sumptuous dinners. When my little boy was three,
I asked him to sing her a song that he had learnt at nursery school.
While he was singing beautifully, she pulled him down off of the seat
and pushed my little nephew, who was probably six at the time.
"He will sing in Yiddish." Inside of me, I was very
resentful - not that she honored my little nephew, but that she couldn't
allow my child to shine for that moment. The next holiday, my
little boy and I went shopping. He loved fruit gels, and wanted
to get some for his grandma. I said, "Sure."
When we presented them to her that evening, he had been excited all
day about giving them to her. She threw them back at him and
said, "I don't eat candies. Don't ever buy them for me."
I could not forgive her hurting my child this way, and using the child
as a way to hurt us. I could go on and on with gripes and complaints
of what I suffered. My friends supported me. My husband
did not want to hear my complaints. Although I think he sympathized
to some degree, he was helpless. She continued to treat family
members as favorites, and others as non existent. Finally, at
a family dinner, I stood up to her. I was at a table of guests,
telling a story to my niece about my latest holiday, when she said
(loudly) that she was not interested in my story. I said, "You
might notice that I was not talking to you, but to my niece.
If you are not interested in my story, don't listen or comment about
it." I went home empowered, but empty. I had won
a victory, but unkindness was not valued by me, and she was bringing
it out in me. Her ungenerous behavior was making me behave like
her. I decided that each time she made a cruel comment from
then on, I would remove myself from her life for a while. I
told my husband that I intended to do this. If he wished to
visit her, I hoped that he would, and take the children to see her
too. My relationship became better. After all, we spend
time with friends, and positive relationships are important.
If someone acts continuously acidic and toxic, sometimes one has to
pull away quietly and respectfully. I remained respectful to
the day she died. I was sad that I couldn't share with her the
friendship of women, all because she saw in me that dreaded name,
Daughter-in-Law. When, really, what a MIL needs to see is "daughter",
because, if we could see each other as mother and daughter, how enriched
we could all be. This is my MIL's final lesson to me.
Signed - MIL's Final Lesson
To Me
RESPONSE: MIL's Final Lesson To Me
Posted: 22-DEC-01
You are a very wise woman! And, if I were you,
I would be running around singing "ding dong, the witch is dead" all
day long!
RESPONSE: MIL's Final Lesson To Me
Posted: 22-DEC-01
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not so much
that your MIL is gone, but that she deprived you of a real chance
to be friends with her while she was alive. Condolences to your
husband.
RESPONSE: MIL's Final Lesson To Me
Posted: 4-JAN-02
How sad for your MIL. But, your lesson is a valuable
one to all here. You didn't use your MIL's faults to justify
poor behavior in yourself. You kept your class, dignity, and
self-respect intact, regardless of her lack of those qualities.
And, you set a marvelous example for your children as well.
I'm sure you also earned a great deal of respect and admiration from
your husband. You should be proud of yourself. Your MIL
lost a chance to win a real friend. Ultimately, you have to
feel sad for her.
Posted: 17-DEC-01
I am a victim of mother-in-law abuse. Yes, daughters-in-law
can be very abusive and can be the offenders. I tried for 3
years to win my future daughter-in-law's approval, but she was always
rude, insulting, and degrading to me. Also, her mother and sister
insulted me and called me vile names in the presence of my son and
other family members. My daughter-in-law is very jealous of
me (why, I don't know - all I ever wanted to do was welcome her as
a family member - but her goal was to alienate my son from me and
my family). She is very controlling and domineering over my
son, which makes me physically ill. I am at the end of my rope.
Signed - Stressed At The
End Of My Rope
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
If you truly believe her "goal" was to alienate
your son from you, then that is your first problem. YOU are
deciding that this was it from the beginning. So everything
she does or says is viewed as her doing something to meet that goal.
I have been married twice. Once I had a wonderful MIL.
She loved her son too. But if we bickered or she sensed tension,
she would tell my husband to relax. And, she would tell him
that he has a good thing, and not to blow it. My current husband's
mother (older I might say, and I think older mothers are even worse)
sees me as the enemy. Period. Whatever I do is wrong.
She is constantly throwing in her opinions (which is OK ONCE, but
don't keep telling me the same opinion if I already said, "Thanks,
but I prefer to do it this way," ESPECIALLY when it comes to
MY children!). She views me as stealing her little boy, and
even has the gall to criticize me in a manipulating way. She
has the nerve to act innocently when I confront her "hints".
She clips articles on saving and not spending and sends them to me.
I do not spend her money, and we live very comfortably, so why does
she care what I spend or how often? She slapped (tapped) my
son's hands (he is 1 year old) after telling him not to throw his
cup from his high chair (AND, she KNOWS my husband and I do not believe
in any form of physical discipline). I used to smoke, but I
quit ON MY OWN. For years she sent me articles (and she even,
once, sent a book for my birthday on how to stop smoking). I
pride myself on being a very good mother to her only grandchildren,
but I feel constantly undermined! She even left me a poem (out
of the 18th century) on what is a mother. It even mentions not
"sparing the rod". Give me a break. I cannot
win with this woman. And, whether she likes it or not, her son
is with me. And, long after she leaves this earth, he will stay
with me. So, WHY OH WHY do MILs not get it? Why can they
not treat their DILs like sweet, loving people. They really
are sweet, loving people. If MILs would only "view"
them that way. We tend to live up the expectations others see
in us - good or bad.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of
My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
So, what you are saying is that you NEVER did anything
wrong? I find this very hard to believe. I also find it
hard to believe that your DIL is jealous of you. Why would she
be jealous of you? It sounds as if you are jealous of her, and
of the role she has in your son's life. How did you welcome
her into your family? Most MILs expect their DILs to act, speak,
and hold many family traditions that are of the MIL's desire, rather
than what the DIL wants. I suggest that you elaborate on some
of your experiences. I also suggest that you sit down and tell
both your son and your DIL how you feel. And, try to work things
out. You may find that your DIL is not jealous of you, but perhaps
she doesn't like your meddling in her affairs or her business.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
You do realize you are speaking to a lot of DILs?
That said, I think that, before anyone can help you build a relationship
with your DIL, you're going to have to be more specific. You
may, also, have to take a look inside yourself and think, "Could
I be the problem?" Also, when your son married, his #1
responsibility was to God, then his wife, and then to the rest of
the family/friends. Guess where you fall? Yep, #3.
You'll fall even further when they start having kids. If you
are offering advice or help to your DIL, STOP! If she wants
this help, she'll ask. You'd be better off trying to treat her
as an intelligent adult that you would NEVER think of giving advice
to. To win points, you may even try to ask for some advice.
As to the nasty way DIL and family treat you, all I can say is that
you may or may not have done something to provoke the behavior.
Ask your DIL what you can do to mend the fences and build a bridge.
The responsibility belongs to you, not your son. While this
is going on, build new relationships with people outside your family.
This will give you the strength to find a way to love, not just put
up with your DIL and family. I hope this helps.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Stop trying to fight her for control of her husband.
Are you saying they were mean to you and called you vile names for
no reason whatsoever? I find that very hard to believe.
If you are sincere and you want to make things better for everybody,
my advice is to let him go, and keep your mouth shut. If you
are kind to them and make no demands upon them, surely they will want
to have a relationship with you. If you truly are being abused
for no reason, I feel for you and wish you luck. Either way,
you should let it go for your own sanity. You can't force a
relationship with anybody, not even your own children.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of
My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Would you like your son to divorce her? If the
answer is no, then back off. If she is domineering to your son,
then that is his problem, not yours. Don't try to win her approval.
You don't need hers and she doesn't need yours. Always try to
see if your actions are not only in favor of your son, but also his
marriage. Do refrain from any act that undermines his marriage.
There are only two people in a marriage - a husband and a wife.
When your actions start showing that you completely understand this
fact, then it will become easier for your DIL and you to have a civil
relationship. Your DIL will have no reason to be jealous of
you if she understands completely that she, and not you, is number
one in his life. If she and her family insult you, and your
son does not stop such abuse, it is his problem. A good man
does not let anyone get abused, whether it is his wife or his mother.
I wouldn't want to be too much involved in the life of a man who stands
by and does nothing. If he is like that, then you are lucky
that DIL has taken him off of your hands. A "BETTER WOMAN"
would not have married him, or would have dumped him right back in
your lap.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
I'm sure there's a much larger side to this story:
YOUR DIL'S. I find it hard to believe that you never did ONE
thing to so alienate your DIL.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Are you so certain that she wanted to alienate the
family from your son? That's a strong statement. Where
is the proof? If what you say is true, I am sorry she is that
way! You shouldn't have to work so hard to win her approval.
I would love to have a MIL who actually gave a cr@p whether I lived
or died. Mine has proven over and over again that if she could
end my life herself, she would.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
DILs tend to get abusive after taking years of abuse
from perfect MILs! My MIL turns the tables on me constantly,
telling everyone that I keep my kids from her. When, in reality,
she could not care less about seeing them, and ignores them.
My advice to you is to let your son grow up and live his own life.
And, be kind to his wife. If you are nasty to her, you will
lose him. That is what my MIL got!!!
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
You sound just like my MIL: The abuser acting
like the victim. I am always to blame, when it is really my
MIL spreading lies and doing anything she can to break up my DH and
myself. Take a good look at what is going on in your life before
you start accusing your DIL. Your complaint may be valid, though
I have seen too many sad, sorry MILs playing the poor victim,
Then, when no one is looking, they turn into bitter, nasty, hurtful
people to their DILs. Your son has made his choice. Do
your best to love your DIL for his sake. His happiness should
be your first concern.
Worst gift: Posted: 22-DEC-01
I'm kind of new here. You guys are great!
My worst gift story is about my DH! Every Christmas I get pretty
good gifts! My SIL likes me, so she helps MIL pick stuff out
J. My POOR DH is another story.
Although he is her BABY, and she asks him EXACTLY what he wants, he
gets the most asinine things!!! He's 6'3" and weighs 160
lbs. (SKINNY!!!). They will buy him XXL t-shirts. He wears
a L. So, I wore those while I was Prego! EVERY year I
always end up in post-Christmas lines waiting and waiting to return
things. Last year, they bought him shirts that were too big
(again!), jeans that were too short, an ugly jacket - plus other stuff.
And, it's not just his mom. His aunt and grandma are completely
clueless too!!!!
RESPONSE: It's Not Just His Mom
Posted: 3-JAN-02
My answer to you is to let your DH take it back.
After standing in line one time, he will either set them straight,
or put in a closet, until you throw it out. In my case, I constantly
remember that I'm his wife, not his caretaker. Marriage is a
partnership in this day and age. Welcome to the year 2002.
Let him take care of himself. He did so before you came along.
Just trying to help. PS My MIL
is a pain in the @ss also.
Posted: 06-DEC-01
This story is not really about my MIL, but ALL of my
in-laws!!! We had decided to get together for Thanksgiving.
I am a chef by profession, and they wanted me to cook the dinner (a
21 pound turkey and they were going to roast a pig in the ground).
Everyone decided to meet at my in-laws at 5:00pm. When my husband
and I arrived with tons of food - get ready for this - they had already
polished off 1/2 of the pig plus about 25 pounds of roasted veggies!!!
They were not hungry, and barely ate anything that I brought.
There were about 25 people there, and I stood on my feet and cooked
for 3 days!!! When I walked through the door and saw that those
sons-of-b!tches had eaten (and some of them were still stuffing their
guts when I was trying to set the food set up), I was about to explode!!
I was so angry and insulted that I couldn't even eat. My husband
told me that I would have to excuse them because they were not from
North America. I ripped into him. I told him it was only
common courtesy to wait for me, and they KNEW I was coming at 5pm
with tons of food. I told my husband that they screwed up big
time with me, and for them to never call me again for any kind of
cooking or dinner. Every time there is a special occasion, they
call me to prepare food. But I will never do it again.
Next time they call me, I'll just have to be too busy. They
can go get take-out.
Signed - They Can Go Get
Take-Out
RESPONSE: They Can Go Get Take-out
Posted: 21-DEC-01
Next time they ask, tell them that you don't know why
they are asking, as they didn't eat any of what you made last time.
Either that, or you can say, "Great, I have all the things I
made for Thanksgiving in the freezer. I will defrost it all,
and you can just heat it up."
RESPONSE: They Can Go Get Take-out
Posted: 21-DEC-01
A similar thing happened to me. I'm a photographer
and graphic designer, and I was asked to make a special card, for
BIL's 21st birthday, from all the family. They even described
the design they wanted. I spent a long time on it, and we paid
for the printing ourselves, without asking for a contribution.
On the day of the party, we arrived early (as arranged) so that everyone
would have a chance to sign it, to find that BIL had received cards
from the family the night before (on his actual birthday), and there
was nobody left to sign our card, which read "from all of us"!
I have refused to take photographs or design anything for them since.
That was nearly 20 years ago, and it was an expensive "mistake"
for them, as the money they must have spent on photographers for family
weddings, christenings, graduations etc., over the years must have
run into thousands! Stand by your guns. Let them make
their own food. In ten years time, they'll be regretting what
they did!
RESPONSE: They Can Go Get Take-out
Posted: 21-DEC-01
Good for you!!!!!!!!!!! Let them order take out
next time!!! I love it. I think you did the right thing
by putting your foot down. It doesn't matter where you are from.
Common courtesy is universal. It's sad that our DH's always
seem to have to make excuses for their family. Hang in there!!
RESPONSE: They Can Go Get Take-out
Posted: 3-JAN-02
GOOD FOR YOU! Now, you have the greatest excuse
of them all: A true reason. When they ask you to cook,
etc., you can say loud and clear that they hurt you so much on the
said occasion that you are not going to cook anything else because
it might develop 2 ways: One is that they will apologize (yeah,
right), and the other is that they will never bother you again.
Either way, you are saved.
Posted: 29-NOV-01
First, I have to tell you that this web site is a godsend.
It is unfortunate to hear that so many other DILs have problems with
their MILS. But, I found so much comfort knowing that I am not
alone. I really need help. I know we all say we have the
MIL from HE!!, but let me tell you my stories and then you tell me!
My husband and I have been together for six years, but we just recently
married in August. This woman, from day one, has not liked me.
She has constantly put me down and been a control freak. One
time, she came to visit our home, and I saw her getting our mail while
she was outside. The next thing I saw was her filling something
out and sticking it right back in the mailbox. But, I knew something
was not right, so I went to check and the piece of mail was addressed
to my DH's (who was then my boyfriend) health insurance company.
Every year he has to designate his beneficiary for his insurance money
should something happen to him. And, she had filled it out and
put herself as the beneficiary, without even consulting my then BF
or me. First, I would never want anything to happen to him,
but did she think I was going to blow the money instead of having
a funeral for him? At that point, they lived in another state.
But, after my husband finished school, we decided to move back, because
his parents were there and so were mine. We moved in with them
(HUGE MISTAKE!!) to save money for a month, and this woman was a nightmare.
If the door was shut, she would just walk in. And, when mail
came to us, she would open it. She even opened a birthday card
addressed to me!! So, we were out of there. This stuff
is somewhat minute. Right before I became pregnant with our
baby, she and I were talking about grandkids. She said that
they might move, and I said, "Wouldn't you like to be around
your future grandkids?" And she replied, "I already
have a grandchild." Like ours didn't matter. The
thing is that she wants her two sons all to herself. She has
a 31 year old son who still lives at home with her and has never been
married. He is perfectly happy being mommy's boy. The
other grandchild she referred to is a 12 year old child that DH's
brother last saw at age 2. My MIL convinced my BIL he was too
young, and convinced him to give up his rights (he was 19).
So, when she said that, it was just to be hurtful. She expects
my DH to be like her other son. Once I got pregnant, she constantly
told me how fat and puffy I looked. I am a bartender at a nice
restaurant. One day, MIL and FIL came for lunch. I had
a full bar, and a lady told me that I looked great for 6 months pregnant.
My MIL replied, "You must need to borrow my glasses!"
I was so humiliated, and the tears just welled up in my eyes right
at work. I am very sensitive, but I need to know if I'm being
ridiculous or not. My husband's job moved us to another state,
and they moved too so that they "could be by their kids".
So, when I had my baby, my mom wasn't here. I wanted to enjoy
the new time with my husband and my baby, but my MIL kept showing
up every day. I thought, "Well, this is good. She
loves this child." But, then I could never get anything
done, because I have a dog who barks loudly and it woke the baby every
time. Anyone who has had children knows that, pretty much, the
only time you can get anything done is when they're asleep.
I was breastfeeding, so I was the only one getting up all night, because
there was nothing DH could really do. I was so tired.
I would just get the baby down, and then I would try to take a nap.
Then, she would show up. So, I finally said, "You are welcome
to come over, but please call first and make sure it is convenient
for me." She didn't listen, and continued to show up.
I asked my DH to ask her. She felt like, since she was the grandma,
she didn't have to call. She has no regard for my feelings or
my DH's. At Christmas, my DH asked her to watch the cats for
us while we were out of town. She had told me how my Christmas
tree was ugly and plain, and she said that she was going to put balls
on it. I told her that my tree was fine. When we got back
from vacation, she had taken my tree down and said it was past Christmas
so it needed to come down. This devastated me, because I had
lost my grandma 2 years before, and all my life we always kept the
tree up past New Year's. And, so, since I didn't have her anymore,
all I had was her traditions - and my MIL took that from me.
For the first time in my life, my tree was down before New Year's.
We had our wedding in Las Vegas. It was a $10,000 wedding that
my family was all chipping in for, and we took out a loan. We
told his parents 7 months before the wedding. My DH asked if
they could pay $375 for part of flowers and $300 for the rehearsal
dinner. They said they would, but when it came time to help,
his parents said they didn't have the money, and made us feel guilty
for expecting them to help. Once we got to Vegas, however, we
ran into them at a casino, and they were gambling all night.
To add insult to injury, they didn't even get us a card for our wedding.
At the rehearsal dinner, everyone sat next to me. But the chairs
on my DH's side were empty. He said to MIL, "Please, sit
by me." She replied, "We're fine over here,"
and she did not sit next to him. He wound up sitting all alone
at the dinner (his dad was his best man, and should have sat next
to him). My son was in a tux at the wedding, and we were taking
family pictures outside. She said, "When we get inside,
I'm taking him out of this tux." I replied that I specifically
did not want him out of his tux because many people had not seen him
yet. Once I went inside, after finishing the pictures, she ran
up to me and said, "Aahh, look at the baby." She had
taken him out of his tux. This woman defied me on my own wedding
night. I had tears in my eyes before my first dance because
I couldn't believe she would do that. There were over a 100
people, and not one person there was a friend of hers. She has
no friends at all. She constantly makes up stories and talks
about everyone behind their backs. It seems that whatever I
say, she has to do the opposite. I am a huge rose lover, and
have $300 dollars worth of roses in my front yard. She said
I needed to cut them way back. I said I like them tall.
The next time I came home, she had come over and completely chopped
my roses. I keep getting hurt. Please, somebody help me
and let me know what to do. I am truly hurting, because I envisioned
a relationship, especially for my DH and son, but this woman is nothing
but mean to me. I can honestly say that I have never ever said
anything to intentionally hurt her feelings, even after she hurts
mine. I have not mentioned my DH, because we have had major
arguments over him not standing up for me to her. In fact, at
5 months pregnant, we got in a huge fight over it, and he decided
to stay with his parents a few days. I later found out that
they tried to convince him to break up, and they even helped him try
to figure child support. His parents and brother have no friends,
and don't like to go anywhere. They just want to be hermits,
and would love to have my DH back at home with them, even though he's
a grown man. Please, somebody tell me if I'm being ridiculous.
I have decided she will not ruin another thing for me, and I've decided
not to go over there on Thanksgiving. DH's family said I'm being
ridiculous, and need get over it. But, how much verbal abuse
should one take? She said I looked fat in my wedding pictures
(MIL probably goes about 285 pounds herself)!! Am I being selfish
or not? I could go on with many more occurrences, but these
are just a few examples. It is so hard, because I want my son
to know his grandparents, but I can't tolerate her putting me down
in front of him or her negative attitude. My DH has absolutely
no self esteem at all, and I believe it is from her putting him down
all these years and never making him believe in himself. I don't
want that for my son. Please someone HELP!!!!
Signed - I Don't Want That
For My Son
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 13-DEC-01
Tell your DH that the very next time your MIL takes
action against you, you will stand up for yourself and your child.
Then, do it. If DH gets angry, tell him to go home to mommy.
You're an adult, and you are now in charge of your family. It
is time to stop crying, and to start being VERY firm with your DH
and his family. Your husband needs friends and activities that
will give him a backbone. I'd start getting him into team sports
and counseling. Softball and soccer are easy games to play,
as his self-esteem should get better once he starts getting good at
playing. Counseling should teach him how each family member
fits into his life. You also may consider taking a vacation
without him. Go visit your family (don't forget the child) and
let your DH know that this is time for him to realize that if things
don't improve quickly, then the vacation will become a permanent situation.
I normally think divorce is the last resort, However, without
intervention, you're well on your way to divorce. So you might
as well get it over with now.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 13-DEC-01
Your story is no worse than many I have heard here.
Unfortunately, we (most of us here) are in the same boat without oars
or lifejackets. My MIL sounds so much like yours. It isn't
even funny. My DH and I also argue a lot over his family.
And, it's a shame that I know we could have been so much different
if we didn't have that intrusion. The biggest part that saddens
me is your broken heart. I can hear it through your words.
I, too, have been left by my DH, and he also ran back to his family.
They tried to convince him to take the baby away from me. And
she told him he can have the title to her home if he'd divorce me.
Ask me what I had done to them - NOTHING! It is absolutely unreal
how these people can treat their DILs, another human being, so poorly
just because they are afraid of losing their children. They
will compete, try to make us look bad, beg them to divorce us.
Why? When I figure it out, I'll write a best seller on it, because
everyone wants the real answers to that one. My DH feels that
family loyalty comes first. I am somewhere in his life, but
not first, and that causes me great pain. I feel that family
loyalty means that you are loyal to your God, wife, and child(ren).
Of course, you should respect your mother and father, but not at the
expense of your relationship with your wife and children. There
are so many marriages that fall apart because husbands don't know
how to stand up for their wives. And, in a big sense, that is
a huge betrayal to the marriage. A wife cannot be expected to
be everything that a wife is supposed to be when she falls 2nd to
her DH's mommy. When will they understand? Please take
care of yourself. Try, as I do, every day, to make today separate
from yesterday. Be a happy person for your child, and pray about
your situation. Try to convince your DH to seek out counseling
for the 2 of you to learn to please each other under any situation.
There is a happy medium between you. You just have to communicate
this out with him and hopefully he will listen. Again, take
care and good luck.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 13-DEC-01
I am going to be blunt. If you truly want to
have your child raised with a healthy appreciation for family, you
must MOVE. Leave that area and get as far away from that woman
as possible. What a cruel, vindictive witch. You are not
being ridiculous at ALL. SHE is WRONG. It is time to give
your DH a choice. I know that is a horrible thing to think about,
but picture another FORTY years of THIS. You don't deserve it,
and neither does your son. He will grow up thinking that people
can be evil to his mommy, and nothing needs to be said. That
is unhealthy. LEAVE that area, find jobs somewhere - anywhere
else, and don't bother telling them where you are going. After
a few years of counseling and self healing (your DH needs some self-esteem,
apparently), you should start sending cards occasionally. You
have an abusive relationship with your ILs You must get help
and do something about it now.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 13-DEC-01
OK, this woman is mentally unstable, and it is not
worth it for you to worry about her or her antics. Your husband
needs to realize that you are number one in his life now. If
he cant see this, you need to make him choose a life with you and
your child, or choose his mommy. No man is worth being treated
this way. No one deserves to be treated this way. Don't
be afraid to defend yourself. It took me a long time to start
standing up to my MIL. But, as soon as I did, things started
to get better. She no longer saw me as an easy target, and she
pretty much just backed off. These women are control freaks.
Their whole lives revolve around controlling people. Don't let
her do it to you. Best of luck to you.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 13-DEC-01
You are NOT being ridiculous. Your DH is being
a coward and a wimp. The situation with his family is intolerable.
His mother is cruel, vicious, and void of any human feelings.
She has no concept of boundaries, and this has to stop. She
has way too much say in your lives, and has no respect for anyone,
especially you. You have to lay down the law now, and you need
to have your DH's support to do this. Tell him how unhappy you
are with the situation. I would even show him this post.
You have very specific examples of how your MIL has treated you.
The crack at the restaurant she made to the other customer is unforgivable.
If my MIL ever said anything like that to me, my DH would give her
he!!. And, how dare she go into your home and take down your
Christmas tree, or trim your roses. If she has a key to your
house, it is time to change the locks, NOW! I also think you
and your DH need marriage counseling immediately. He needs to
hear from a professional that his relationship with his mother is
very unhealthy, especially for your marriage. I think it's time
you made a big stink about the way things are, and to he!! with what
they say or think. They are going to think badly of you, whether
you do their bidding or not. You might as well start getting
what you want in your life. As far as them having a relationship
with your child, they are very toxic, destructive, dysfunctional people.
I don't think your child will be missing out on anything by not seeing
them. I think the 12 year old grandchild is much better off
without those losers in his life. You will be too. Good
luck!
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 13-DEC-01
You seriously need to set limits for this woman.
Having a grandma is important for your son, but not nearly as important
as knowing how to keep people like his own grandma from messing his
life. I don't think you are being overly sensitive. This
woman is out to defy you. She would cut her own nose if you
asked her not to. It is unfortunate, but probably true, that
your main problem is not MIL. It is the fact that your DH was
never raised to be a man. There is something you can do about
it. Set strict boundaries about keeping this woman out of your
daily life till she shows some signs that she is salvageable.
Call her rarely and only if you feel like it. Invite her to
meet your son in a public place (a fast-food restaurant, etc.) for
lunch for a couple of hours (however frequently you want). Be
prepared to leave as soon as you have had enough of her. If
she cares to maintain a relationship with your child, she will be
glad that you are not completely cutting her out of your life, which
is what she really deserves. The problem is that cutting family
completely off is never really practical, even though, under some
circumstances, it must be done. Keep limited contact, and let
your comfort level dictate the limits. Once you have made up
your mind about what you would put up with and what you wont, don't
budge from it. If DH has no spine to stand up to MIL, he will
resent this arrangement in the beginning. Be nice to him, and
make him feel loved. Soon, he will be able to see that not wasting
your energy on his mother leaves you with much more time and energy
to invest in your relationship with him. Once he starts relishing
the new found freedom from not having to deal with his mother, he
will be more willing to further exert himself to break away from her
apron-strings. Be a role model for him, so that he can see that
it is possible to stand up to his mom. Make sure your son understand
that you don't hate your MIL, you hate her behavior. Precisely
because we do care for some people, we have to stop them from behaving
in ways that undermine their own humanity. Setting boundaries
for your MIL is not mean - it is the best medicine she can have.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 13-DEC-01
I can't help you! You have to help yourself!
The first step is to realize that your feelings are completely justified.
How can you even think that they're not? The second step is
to realize that you're never going to change her. She's always
going to be the same nasty person you want to punch in the mouth (okay,
I'm projecting here, but hang on). And, just like any old boyfriend
you have tried to change, she may seem like she's better for a while,
but she'll never actually change. YOU can change. YOU
can say, "Hey, my feelings and my anger are completely justified.
I don't need someone else to tell me that I have a right to feel this
way!" Then, you can stand up for yourself. You can
go up to that nasty woman and say, "You chopped down my lovely
roses. You told me I was ugly in front of a customer.
You don't listen to me, and you don't care about my feelings."
Be prepared for a heck of a row! And, have fun screaming at
her about everything she's ever done to you! I hear what you
say about wanting your son to have a grandma. But, you want
your son to have a mother who is happy, right? You want your
son to have a mom who has her sanity, and hasn't repressed her feelings
all her life, right? Stand up for yourself! And, if DH
doesn't understand, then that's fine! Talk to him about it,
unless you want things to stay the way they are When he sees
that you really feel this way, he will stand by you. If he doesn't,
then he's not worth your time and affection, because he doesn't think
your feelings are important. If you don't change things, and
soon, they certainly will. Grandma can see her grandson on infrequent
holidays! Why would you want that nasty, ugly witch to see him
anyway?
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 13-DEC-01
I don't want that for my son, please let's meet on
the message board. We seem to have quite a bit in common.
I am now pregnant with our 1st child, and things are already beyond
unbearable. I can directly relate to most of the situations
you stated in your letter. I know your pain, and pray you can
get control of your life. I hope to hear from you. I believe
it may be helpful to both of us. Good Luck
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 13-DEC-01
I truly feel sorry for you after having read your post!
Your MIL takes the cake, compared to other MILs! You need a
frequent fry her page. Your DH isn't helping matters any either!
If I were you, I would completely cut your ties to this woman.
If she cannot respect your wishes, then I wouldn't bother having a
relationship with her. You have to take a stand. If you
just keep things the way they are, you will have to keep enduring
these episodes. If your DH can't stand behind you, then you
are with the wrong man. I don't mean to sound harsh, but why
should you get treated this way? I hope your situation improves.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 13-DEC-01
I would see a clergyman or find a marriage counselor.
Your religion is none of my business, but I've done a lot of research
about "the order of things" and "priorities" (I'm
Catholic). I have arrived at one basic conclusion: No
man of God puts anything BUT God before his wife and children!
Aside from religion, common sense dictates that if a grown man wants
to put mommy first, he should live with HER for the rest of his life
instead of getting married! I can't think of any suggestions
besides getting counseling. If your DH hasn't put you first,
and hasn't stood up to her yet, I think it is going to take some professional
help to make things better.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 23-DEC-01
You have been an absolute saint to put up with her
cr@p. You even had the guts to speak up and tell her not to
come over without calling, yet she continued to. Look at it
this way: It's time to make some changes. You can keep
your husband content and let things be as they are now - miserable.
Or, you can take a chance and start speaking up for yourself MORE.
If she comes over without calling - don't let her in. If DH
gives you a hard time for speaking up, let him go home to his mommy.
You don't need that, and neither does your sweet child. Remember
the lady on this site who wrote her DH a letter and went away for
the weekend? She wrote down all her sadness, and then gave him
an ultimatum to either support her to his mother or get a divorce.
He chose his wife, and they haven't looked back since. I know
it's scary to tell her off. I did it myself once, because I
got so angry at her. Since then, she's been kissing my butt.
Your MIL sounds downright nasty. Give her some of her own!
Good luck.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For My Son
Posted: 3-JAN-02
Besides questioning who your husband is married to,
and all the wonderful advice you've already been given, I have a few
tidbits of ideas for you. In cutting down your roses, the MIL
may have done something illegal. In taking your stand, if it's
clear that your statements about, and new reactions to the MIL are
"for you" rather than "against MIL", it will be
easier for your son and husband to see that the MIL's actions are
poison. Proactive is better than reactive. "Honor
thy father and thy mother" is only applicable to parents who
are honorable. I hope your situation improves.
RESPONSE: I Don't Want That For
My Son
Posted: 3-JAN-02
After reading your post, I don't even know where to
begin! First of all, you are totally justified in your feelings
of sadness, resentment, and anger. That woman is 100 percent
horrible. I often wonder why we DILs feel pressured or obligated
to take cr@p from family members or in-laws that we'd never tolerate
from a complete stranger. I'd love to see the look on your MIL's
face if you told her SHE looked fat in the wedding pictures.
Or, if you told her something mean, like she's really starting to
show her age, and maybe she should think about getting liposuction
and a face lift. I bet her jaw would drop to the floor.
She wouldn't like someone saying that to her, and she knows it's hateful
to say it to you. It's not an accident or a slip of the tongue
when she's cruel. She wants to treat you horribly!! And,
nothing is stopping her. You feel unsure of whether to say anything,
because your DH and his family have convinced you that you have no
right to your feelings, and your husband is too much of a momma's
boy to put the old battle-ax in her place. So, basically, she
knows there are NO consequences when she acts this way. And,
your poor son is learning that it is OK to not respect you, and that
it is OK to mistreat people. After all, daddy, grandma, grandpa,
and that weirdo uncle are all doing it to mommy. Also, I wonder
what that shrew would do if you went over to her house and went through
her mail and chopped down her plants. I'm sure she'd be pi$$ed
off. If this is behavior she would not tolerate, then there
is NO question she knows it is WRONG!!! I gave my husband an
ultimatum a few years ago to choose me or his family. And, things
had not even come close to progressing to the level of cr@p you've
had to tolerate. Fortunately, he chose me. I will say,
though, that we had been trying different solutions for a few years,
before we wrote them pretty much out of our life. I had stopped
associating with them, except for a few times a year. So, my
husband usually visited them by himself. We figured they always
treated me like cr@p, and really only wanted to see him, anyway, so
it was a solution we were both happy with. DH also put up a
few reasonable boundaries (call before you come over to make sure
it's OK before you drop by, and he started standing up to them when
they were rude or controlling). However, his family went ballistic,
because they felt like they couldn't control our every move anymore.
This resulted in more ridiculous, manipulative behavior from them.
Finally, DH got fed up. We went to counseling, and we haven't
seen them in almost three years. I'm not saying that cutting
any in-laws out of your life is the right choice for everyone, and
it should be the last resort, but, sometimes in-laws make any other
choice impossible. If your DH won't at least stand up to them
and make life around them more bearable, then he doesn't deserve you
either. When I gave my husband an ultimatum years ago, I really
had no idea who he would choose. But, I was ready to leave if
he didn't choose me. So, don't give DH an ultimatum unless you're
ready to go on without him. Unfortunately, he may choose them.
Meanwhile, counseling may help you get some self esteem back, and
help you cope with your situation. Good luck from someone who
knows what it's like to live in in-law he!!. Please take care
of yourself and get some help, even if it's just a good friend with
a strong shoulder to cry on!
Posted: 10-DEC-01
My DH and I have been married for a year and a half,
and dated for 6 years before that. I first thought my MIL was
a very nice, thoughtful person. But, after seven years of knowing
her, I realized that she is a passive-aggressive control freak.
My husband could barely stand his mother, and it always concerned
me. You know the old saying, "A man will treat you the
way he treats his mom." But, now, I thank God he does not
let her walk all over him. My mother (whom I loved dearly) passed
away this past May at the age of 52. It was a shock to the entire
family. My parents were married for 35 years, and my father
was devastated. In fact, I was afraid for his own life at times,
because he did not want to go on with life without her. My mother
was the first person I had ever lost in life, and I was (and still
am) having a very hard time just breathing. While our family
is slowly starting to smile again, I knew that the holidays were going
to be very challenging. But, we're a tight group, and, luckily,
we all heal a little bit when we talk about our pain. Normally,
my DH, father, mother, and I would spend Thanksgiving at my IL's house.
But, with my mom gone this year, I couldn't face going there for Thanksgiving.
My father surely would not want to go (he likes my ILs, but they really
are two different breeds of people) and I would not let my dad spend
a holiday alone. I needed him as badly as he needed me.
We needed to be able to cry if we needed to without shame or sympathy.
My DH informed my MIL of our plans, and how we would be spending Thanksgiving
with my father. She was upset, because she was going to have
a few of her own family come up to visit, and expected us to be there.
I don't know these people from Adam, and my DH couldn't care any less
if the Pope was coming for dinner. On Thanksgiving day, my father
informed me that she had called HIM directly to invite him over (AFTER
we had talked to her about our plans). She threw in the fact
that we weren't going to be there, and snidely added that she didn't
know why. My father had to explain to her that he was going
to spend the day with me. She proceeded to tell him, repeatedly,
that he needs to be with people (what the heck am I, a droid??).
He explained several times that he does not want to be with people,
and he is not comfortable in that type of social environment yet.
But, he did thank her for the offer. When he told me what that
back-stabbing, inconsiderate, gotta-have-her-nose-where-it-don't-belong
WITCH did, I could have screamed. I was furious! My ILs
visited briefly the next day. And, that Saturday, my DH and
I visited them. I thought things were going well (I didn't kill
her - she didn't give me another reason to) UNTIL we were leaving.
She said that her sister said she thought everyone was going to be
there for dinner, and she didn't know where we all were. My
MIL said, "I couldn't tell her, because I just didn't know."
LET IT GO! I wanted to scream, "MAYBE IT'S JUST DINNER
TO YOU, BUT TO ME IT WAS FEELING MY MOM DIE ALL OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!"
I really am starting to hate this woman. This is just a brief
example of the way she will not let sleeping dogs lie. She will
go behind your back to get her way. She will never tell you
to your face how she feels, but she'll manage to drop every considerable
hint in the book. I really miss my mom. She was everything
my MIL is not. I would tell her off if she didn't think she
was doing the "right" thing.
Signed - She Thinks She's
Doing The "Right" Thing
RESPONSE: She Thinks She's Doing The "Right"
Thing
Posted: 22-DEC-01
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your mother
was so young. It must have been such a shock for you and your
family to lose her like that. I can feel your devastation, and
your father's, through your post. I have zero tolerance for
people who cannot respect another's right to grieve in their own way,
and in their own time. Your MIL sounds very selfish and insensitive.
I think you should avoid her as much as you can while you are going
through such a hard time. Your DH should be the one to run interference
with his mother and tell her when she is overstepping her boundaries.
When you are ready, you can start being around your ILs again.
But, until then, take care of yourself, and be with your father when
you want and need to. The last thing you should have to worry
about at this time is a meddling MIL. I wish you well.
RESPONSE: She Thinks She's Doing The "Right"
Thing
Posted: 3-JAN-02
Please accept my sincere sympathy for the loss of your
mother. She sounds like she was a wonderful woman. Also,
your father is very lucky to have such a kind, loving daughter.
Congratulations on standing up for what is important to you.
Your MIL sounds like one of the most insensitive people in the world.
The funny thing about these kinds of people is that, if the situation
were reversed and one of her family members had died, you would be
expected to understand completely and accept any kind of behavior
on her part. But, you are the one with the loss. And,
yet, you are expected to accommodate HER. People like this are
so self-centered that they will take any situation and make it all
about themselves. It's frustrating, I know. But, I am
glad that your own family is so close and that your husband can see
her for what she really is. Please keep standing up for yourself
with the same grace and dignity you have displayed so far. One
piece of advice: When someone starts dropping subtle, accusatory
hints, or passively insulting you, don't give them the reaction they
are looking for. Say something completely off the wall as a
response to take the wind out of their sails. For example:
MIL says, "My, that's a pretty blouse you're wearing. It
makes you look so much thinner than you really are." Your
response: "What is your favorite kind of tea? Mine's
Earl Gray. I love Earl Gray. Also English Breakfast."
You could continue ad nauseum. The look of confusion and frustration
to cross her face will be priceless. Alternatively, you could
ask her to repeat herself several times. Insults and accusations
always lose their power the second, third, and fourth times they are
said! These are just a few coping mechanisms you could try.
I wish you all the luck in the world, and God bless.
RESPONSE: She Thinks She's Doing The "Right"
Thing
Posted: 9-JAN-02
I am so sorry for your loss. And, I can truly
relate to your experiences. My mom died nine weeks ago at age
56 - a total shock to our family, and devastating to all. To
make matters worse, I am 8 1/2 months pregnant with my 1st child -
my parent's 1st grandchild. My mom loves children and was so
looking forward to this special time for us all. I know how
sad and grief stricken you must be. I also have a horrible,
intrusive, manipulative MIL who won't let my family alone to grieve,
won't back off when told to do so, and is truly insensitive and cruel.
My husband and I have been talking with my therapist (who I began
going to for help w/grief) and that is beginning to help. He
needs to learn to back me up and confront his mother. I need
to learn to get her as much out of my life as possible, so that I
am not constantly hurt by her. I also have a wonderful dad who
needs me now, and I need him. MIL fails to understand or respect
that. My doctor says to work w/my husband, set strict boundaries
with my MIL, and accept having a cold and distant relationship with
her, because that may be the only way to cope with the problems and
pain she causes. I am also reading up on people with her type
of personality, and how to deal with them. People with covert-aggressive
personalities who try to manipulate others, particularly those who
are vulnerable, into doing what THEY want, to get THEIR way, no matter
what. I am hoping that by better arming myself emotionally,
I will be able to better stand up for myself and not be victimized
by her. Sorry to ramble about my experiences - I just wanted
you to know that you're not alone. Good luck with everything,
take care of yourself and your dad, and all those who matter to YOU!
Surround yourself with loving, supportive people, because you deserve
and need to be protected through this awful time.
Posted: 16-DEC-01
For ten years I was engaged to a man who was really
betrothed to his evil mother. She was so cruel and mean to me
that I still have scars from it. When I was at her house for
dinner, she would ignore me. If I dared to speak, I was either
glared at or snapped at. At Christmas (I spent 9 Christmases
in a row with this b!tch and my fiancé) she would give elaborate
gifts to all of her daughter's recent boyfriends and absolutely nothing
to me, not even bath salts. When I introduced her to my mother,
she got back into her car and slammed the door. When I gave
a her a gift of homemade candles and dried herbs from my garden, she
looked at it and said, "What am I supposed to do with this?"
My fiancé was so wrapped up in his mother that I finally had
to call it quits. Now he has a new, spineless girlfriend for
his mother to abuse.
Signed - I Still Have Scars
From It
RESPONSE: I Still Have Scars From It
Posted: 2-JAN-02
You made the right decision. You don't deserve
to be treated like that. Your ex is a sad, sorry excuse for
a man. Some day you will find your Mr. Right. He will
love and cherish YOU, not his twisted mother. Good luck, and
much happiness to you.
RESPONSE: I Still Have Scars From
It
Posted: 2-JAN-02
You're lucky you didn't marry that dirt bag.
Count your blessings! You're free from him AND his evil mother!!
Posted: 16-DEC-01
My MIL loves the man I married. And I mean LOVE.
She is always looking after his best interest, or looking after him.
We have been married for 3 years, and separated for 3 years.
We'll, since then, my husband has moved back into his mother's home.
I believe that he is happy and she is happy. If you want to
hear more of the gruesome stories (from how he wanted to help her
put up her Christmas tree and did not help me - even though my MIL
has a husband - to him not being there for me when I had a miscarriage,
or when my father died), let me know, and I'll give you the WHOLE
story.
Signed - Married A Real
Life MAMA's BOY
RESPONSE: Married A Real Life Mama's BOY
Posted: 2-JAN-02
Please come to the message board and share your stories.
You'll feel better.
RESPONSE: Married A Real Life Mama's BOY
Posted: 2-JAN-02
This is a site to vent. So go ahead. Let's hear the whole
story so we'll be able to sympathize.
RESPONSE: Married A Real Life Mama's BOY
Posted: 2-JAN-02
I am married to his twin brother. My MIL hates her DH and I
have no doubt that my DH holds the place in her heart that should
belong to his father. FIL is a real creep, so I understand why
she and my DH hate him. But no matter how hard I try to justify
her behavior towards my DH, it is still impossible to share my DH
with her at that emotional level. I don't think she wants to
share anyway. She wants him all to herself. If you don't
have kids with him, then thank God. Forget about him, and find
a man who does not need to be his Mama's MAN. Do share your
horror stories if you need to vent. I can tell you worse stories.
For example: I am nowhere to be found in the video of my baby's
first day home. All he taped was his mom holding the baby.
You would think she was the one who gave birth. By the way,
I was sitting right next to her most of the time. You can only
see my arm.
RESPONSE: Married A Real Life Mama's BOY
Posted: 8-JAN-02
This is emotional incest. Don't take it personally - no matter
who your husband is in a relationship with, mummy will be put first.
Posted: 03-DEC-01
What do you do about ILs who will not speak to you,
but only to your spouse? They go out of their way to drive to
wherever DH is working and spend time with him. Or, they call
him to see how he is on his work cell phone. But, they refuse
to call our house. Why? Because I might answer the phone,
and they can't stand me. They have never shown any interest
in visiting our house, and would "feel uncomfortable" (
MIL's words) if I came and stayed the night at their house.
It is funny that I get along with everyone else in my life.
But, in their eyes, I am the problem, because their happy family was
just fine until I came along. And, now, everything is different.
We've been married about three years. The only problem that
arose between MIL and myself was over DH and my wedding, which we
wanted to keep small. And, she fought us the whole time, even
cried during the ceremony, reception, pictures, etc., because her
extended family was not there. Keep in mind that we paid for
everything. They didn't even pay for the rehearsal dinner, and
we changed the arrangements because they couldn't get to the first
place we wanted to have it (too expensive to fly). Also, they
stayed at the most expensive place in town. She paid for GP's,
BIL, and BIL's (at the moment) GF. Not only that, but she was
rude to my maid of honor, my family and guests, but not to her family.
Anyway, I am just wondering how she turned my DH's entire family against
me (FIL, BIL, SIL, GMIL, etc.). And, now, I am the awful person.
We, because of DH's work schedule, weren't together for any holidays
the past two years (he was out of town, so I was with my friends and
family, no kids mind you). This year, he is home for Thanksgiving.
But, since we couldn't make it any other time they asked us to, we
aren't invited to their family get-togethers (this hurts DH's feelings,
not mine). However, when any family member calls (not often),
I am not even asked about or talked to. I feel like a void in
their family, and don't know if there is anything to do about it.
I get nauseous on the trips to visit them. But, I am always
kind and respectful, but most always avoided and ignored. They
ask, every time, what my job is, and never remember the next time.
I am talked down to by MIL and GMIL as if I am a child (I am 29).
Also, if BIL dares talk to me (he is quite kind), he is given a death
stare and promptly falls into place. With the holidays approaching,
it is hard for DH not to want to visit his family. But, I don't
want to go if we are not invited, and we haven't been called in two
months. So, any advice you could give would be helpful.
Thanks.
Signed - Holiday Confusion
RESPONSE: Holiday Confusion
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I'm not sure I see a problem here. Your ILs don't
like you and go out of their way to avoid you. Your DH, while
hurt, supports you. I think the problem is solved. Anyway,
if you really want to try to establish a relationship with your ILs,
you may want to start dropping by unannounced. I would not do
this on a holiday. Drop by, grab your MIL (first thing), give
her a hug and a kiss and tell her that you miss her. Dishonest,
yes, but at least you are showing you are trying. That should
confuse her, and provide entertainment for you. Then, I would
invite her to lunch and not take no for an answer. At lunch,
talk about you, your interests, and what you two may have in common.
This could be hard, but try to have fun with it. After all,
her reactions to this could be very entertaining. Or, better
yet, she could make a jack@Ss of herself in public. After lunch,
tell her that you would like to see her on a regular basis so that
you can get to know each other and establish a **GREAT** MIL and DIL
relationship. At this point, she'll either run screaming from
the restaurant, or let you down.
RESPONSE: Holiday Confusion
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Invite your BIL over to visit (or for dinner) with
you and your husband. Let him get to know you without the rest
of the family around. Once he's had time to get to know you
without your MIL staring daggers at you both, maybe he can give you
some support. What is your husband doing about the situation?
Has he even noticed?
RESPONSE: Holiday Confusion
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Your DH needs to step up and be a man. Show him
this post and all the responses. If he allows you to be treated
like that, then he might as well be doing it himself! I feel
for your DH. I'm sure his feelings are hurt, but that is no
excuse for allowing anyone to treat you that hurtfully!! Would
you EVER expect your husband to go through what he expects of you?
I think it's time for some strict rules!: You will visit only
if his mother is willing to act like a decent host. Else, no
visit. I'm sorry for your hurt. You are NOT the problem.
A gracious host (and a decent person) would treat even the worst DIL
in a kind and respectful manner! That just shows the family's
lack of common courtesy and manners. Emily Post would be horrified!!!
RESPONSE: Holiday Confusion
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Why is it hard for your DH to not see his family over
the holidays when they treat his wife so badly? Doesn't it bother
your DH that his parents can't even bring themselves to be civil to
you, and don't allow anyone else to show you common courtesy either?
I think you need to have a long talk with your DH about the situation.
Ask him how he would feel if your family behaved this way towards
him. His place is with you. And, if his family can't respect
you or allow anyone else to, he needs to do something about this.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: Holiday Confusion
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Don't go! Let him go alone if you don't count
in their eyes. Visit your family where you are welcomed and
loved. It's the one time of year you should have it and not
feel like an outsider. Let him go alone if it's so important
to him. Then, we'll see how he feels without you.
RESPONSE: Holiday Confusion
Posted: 2-JAN-02
I can't believe how similar your story is to mine.
I am completely a non-person to my ILs. And, my MIL has turned
everyone in the family against me. The only way I've been able
to deal with it is by turning the tables on them. Because I
am a non-person, I no longer show up to their events. I don't
send them cards. I've ignored them completely for three years.
I've slowly gotten my husband to support me. And, now he doesn't
see them either (that took awhile). Now, ironically, they're
harassing us, because their little game blew up in their faces.
Suddenly, they "want contact", and lots of it! I say,
give your ILs a taste of their own medicine. Make it PERMANENT,
and YOUR decision. J Hugs.
I know the pain you're in. Hang in there.
RESPONSE: Holiday Confusion
Posted: 2-JAN-02
Start your own "family" traditions (including
driving around looking at lights, church services, or special holiday
movies). Do whatever you might enjoy. Make the most of
your new family with your husband. In other words, try to keep
his mind off what he might be missing out on. I don't know why
people are so cruel to the newcomer. They must really be insecure.
You can't change them or their reaction to you. Focus on the
positive, and put them on the back burner.
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I've been reading everyone else's stories, and I just
had to share mine just because I need to vent! My boyfriend's
mother is the driest person I have ever met. This woman will
never talk to me. If I see her, whether at her home or elsewhere,
I have to say "hello" to her first or she gets pissed off
for some reason that is beyond my understanding. I try to start
conversations with her, but she rarely responds. Just the other
day, I was in her home and said "hello" to her as I came
in (virtually the only words I ever say to her, as it is pointless
to try and talk to her). She simply ignored me. When I
was leaving, I said "good-bye" to her again and there was
no response. She wouldn't even look at me. At the dinner
table, my boyfriend's father will speak to me (he actually seems to
like me), while she just sits (she won't look at me or participate
in the conversation). After visits like these, where she won't
even say hello or good-bye, I really feel terrible. It also
doesn't help that she constantly complains to my boyfriend that he
never takes her out or visits enough. She always tries to make
him feel guilty. At the beginning of our relationship, I thought
that, eventually, everything would fall into place. However,
things have only gotten worse. More and more I am finding myself
resenting her. I am only comforted by the fact that my boyfriend
entirely backs me up on this issue. With her, it's not that
she says or does b!tchy things, it's that she won't even bother with
me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but a simple "hello"
would be nice.
Signed - A Simple Hello
Would Be Nice
RESPONSE: A Simple Hello Would Be Nice
Posted: 2-JAN-02
If BF is behind you, then perhaps it is time for BF
to have a chat with his mom. This could be a misunderstanding.
She may like you, but she may either be scared or shy (and, the way
she shows it is to be cold and distant). Don't write her off,
yet. Have BF try to build a bridge between the two of you.
RESPONSE: A Simple Hello Would
Be Nice
Posted: 2-JAN-02
RUN AS FAR AWAY AS YOU CAN, AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!
Is this the type of woman you want to be related to??? If you
decide to marry your boyfriend, really think about what the future
holds for you in terms of his mother. Most importantly, I hope
that he supports you, and realizes his mother is a total oddball!
RESPONSE: A Simple Hello Would Be Nice
Posted: 2-JAN-02
Ignore her back. I have a neighbor like that.
She uses her cold behavior to power trip over people and get them
to grovel after her. If you ignore your MIL and don't let her
know that she bothers you, trust me, it'll REALLY irk her!
RESPONSE: A Simple Hello Would Be Nice
Posted: 2-JAN-02
Well, let me tell you, if you think it's going to get
better, it won't. I have the same kind of MIL, and I have been
married for a year and a half. She kept after us to "pick
a day, pick a day". So, we finally picked a day.
And, not even 2 seconds later, she told us, "No, you can't get
married that day, because that was Canada's independence day."
We were supposed to get married in their backyard. So, after
that, she was such a pain. We just decided to hire a JP and
get married in our backyard. And, ever since, it's like he!!
hath no fury. Since she told us "no", she thought
we would just pick another. Well, we fixed her. And, since
she didn't get to throw a big party and invite all her friends, she
doesn't speak to me at all anymore. Well, at least it's quiet.
But, recently, my DH sent her an email to try to get some of this
behind us, and she has not even talked to him at all in two months.
Thanksgiving went by, and nothing. The FIL thinks that the DH
should call his mother, but he refuses (I don't blame him one bit).
This b!tch thinks she is god or something, and all I know is that
when she sits down and goes to the restroom, it stinks just like everyone
else. Signed: The Worst MIL in Texas.
Posted: 16-DEC-01
My MIL is making me hate the holiday season!!
My MIL and FIL just built a new house (that FIL didn't even really
want). Well, anyway, for the past year we have had to put up
with constant bragging about her new house, when she knows times are
tough for my DH and I. She even gets on my DH about why WE don't
have a house yet or a new car. And, she badmouths his career
(electrician) to everyone - even though he loves his job, and is such
a hard worker. Now that they have moved into their house, MIL
thinks that everyone should spend the holidays there (when DH and
I know she just wants to show her house off to everyone). Well,
she doesn't even consider the idea that I have parents too!!
We spent Thanksgiving at her house, and that was plenty. My
parents invited us for Christmas day, and we planned to spend Christmas
Eve with my ILs. MIL is basically dictating to us that we are
all coming to HER place for Christmas. Fortunately, FIL is a
sweetheart and told us we should spend it with MY parents, and that
he will have a talk with her (even though she is impossible to talk
to). This woman is something else! Everything has to be
HER way, and if it's not, then she plays the victim. My husband
says it is becoming more than he can take. He's about to just
tell her off and not talk to her anymore. But, I keep telling
him that if he does that, she will badmouth us to the entire family
and cause a huge MESS. Also, SIL is RUDE as can be. At
Thanksgiving, she came home from work (we haven't seen her in months,
and we live in another city) and looked right at DH and I and went
to her room - not even a "hello" or a hug (and, according
to MIL, SIL is so sweet and responsible for an 18 year old).
I have a strong feeling that MIL is talking badly about DH to his
sister (which is terrible, but I wouldn't doubt it). I feel
sorry for my FIL, and I wish we could spend more time with him, but
it's hard when MIL is always there taking over the conversation.
She is controlling and manipulative, and she treats my DH worse and
worse. The only thing that comforts me is that everyone knows
how she is this way, even her own parents and husband. We plan
to move, after I finish college, to the east coast where my relatives
are. My parents are moving there too. Until then, I don't
know what to do. My DH is at his wits end, and I am starting
to get to that point too. I just can't help but think what damage
she'll do if we tell her off. THANKS FOR LISTENING!!
Signed - My MIL Is Making
The Holidays Miserable!
RESPONSE: My MIL Is Making The Holidays Miserable!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
How could what she'd do if you tell her off be any
worse than what she's doing now? At least you'll feel a little
better. Tell her off and be done with her.
RESPONSE: My MIL Is Making The
Holidays Miserable!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
Why are you and DH letting your MIL control you?
If DH is ready to tell the old bat off, let him. This may help
your situation. Plus, why are you worried about your standing
in the family? If everyone knows that she is a controlling b!tch,
then they'll know she is full of poop, and you're better than she
is. You cannot live your life worried about what other people
think. You'll send yourself to an early grave.
RESPONSE: My MIL Is Making The Holidays Miserable!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
What can she possibly do to hurt you? You said
that you already suspect she badmouths you. And, you said that
your only comfort is that everyone knows how she is. So, let
your DH rip into her if that's what he wants to do. Avoid her
at all costs - make it clear that the consequence for her behavior
is that her DS will not come around any more. And, if she tries
to trash you to others, she will only make herself look like a complete
@Ss I have a feeling that most people who know her, get her
number right away. Do what is best for you and DH. This
woman shouldn't be dictating to you or anyone else. I hope you
have a wonderful, MIL-free Christmas!
RESPONSE: My MIL Is Making The Holidays Miserable!
Posted: 8-JAN-02
You're not going to gain anything by telling your MIL
off, except more conflict, stress and negativity. It will also
make it extremely difficult to maintain a positive relationship with
your FIL. Work on setting boundaries instead. For example,
with Christmas (and similar situations), just tell her that you are
sorry, but you have made other plans. And, leave it at that.
If she gets upset, that's her choice. You do not owe her an
explanation, although you might want to say, "Since we spent
Thanksgiving with you, we are spending Christmas at my parent's house.
We felt that was fair." Being a "broken record"
works well too. Keep telling her no, politely, until she hears
it. If she just gets upset or escalates the situation emotionally,
or in a confrontational way, just smile, say its time to go, and leave
or hang up the phone. Once she sees she can't rattle you or
bully you into doing what she wants, she'll hopefully stop trying!
As far as the house stuff - well, cut her some slack. She's
excited about her new house and wants to show it off. And, there's
really nothing wrong with that. As for your SIL, she's 18.
Just ignore her.
Posted: 15-DEC-01
Here is a story about a guy that has problems with
his MIL. Here is a good one for you! I am very allergic
to mushrooms. Every time I eat them, I break out in hives.
My eyes swell shut, and if I don't get medical attention, my throat
swells to the point where I cannot breath. For my 30th birthday,
my mommy dearest in-law cooked a dinner for us because it would have
been too much money to go out. We always take her out for her
birthday. Her daughter likes mushrooms and she is aware of my
problem. She ground up the mushrooms to the point they were
not detectable, because she thought it was all in my head. After
getting violently ill and spending my entire night in the hospital,
she finally fessed up and said that she did not think it would hurt
me. The next day, when I was home relaxing, she stopped by with
a card and a mushroom stuffed like a teddy bear. The card read,
"Please forgive me. I thought you were tougher!"
In return for her kindness and her kind words, I proceeded to go to
the pet store (she is deathly afraid of snakes) and bought a 4 foot
rat snake (all black except a white stripe down its belly).
I put it in the trunk of my car and brought it to the next Sunday's
dinner. After dinner (which I did not eat), I went to my trunk,
took out the snake, and brought it into the kitchen through the back
door. After some terrible screams , she passed out and hit her
head on the floor (causing a cut that needed to be stitched.
When visiting her in the hospital, I bought her a stuffed snake and
got her a get well card that said, "I guess we were both wrong!
I thought you were tougher!" I signed my name and the PS
read, "By the way - the snake's name is Mushroom and he is now
living with us. I hope you are careful when visiting us.
He does not like strangers!!" We no longer talk, and I
am out of going to dinners. Sometimes, the best remedy is distance.
I almost got a divorce over it - but I have to say that it was worth
it!!
Signed - Mushroom The Wonder
Snake!!!
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
I am rolling on the floor laughing my @Ss off!
What a wonderful story. I hate anyone who wants to test your
allergies, a nearly anaphylactic one at that. But, I think you
had the best comeback of all. Best wishes to you and Mushroom!
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
I admire you for reacting so swiftly and appropriately
with no remorse. You could have probably filed a criminal case
against her for attempted murder. That was an awesome story!
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
Oh, that was soooooo mean of you! I love it!
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
Ha ha. That's a good one. Revenge is sooo
sweet.
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
This was the type of story that I'm sure everyone was
waiting for! The fact that the dinner was for YOUR birthday
makes it that much more tasteless (pun intended). Your wife's
not confronting her mother on the subject of the mushrooms, as well
as nearly divorcing you, shows that the apple doesn't fall far from
the tree. On the plus side, I'm willing to bet that Mushroom
will be better Sunday dinner company in the long run!
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
Where's the video camera when you need it? You
could've been $10,000 richer! Then, again, I think that was
worth more than 10 grand. Good for you!!!!! J
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
What a wonderfully funny story!! You go boy!!!
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
This is the funniest story I have ever read!
I wish I were married to you!!!
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
Bravo!!! There are few things I hate more than
when people don't believe that you are allergic to things. "Oh
come on, you can't be allergic to that!" Why would you
lie about being allergic to something? And, why would you not
believe a person when they say they are allergic to something?
Good for you with the snake. That was perfect!
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 1-JAN-02
It sounds like the old bag should have been brought
up on attempted murder charges, Eh?
RESPONSE: Mushroom The Wonder Snake!!!
Posted: 8-JAN-02
Great, great story! Your wife is lucky to have
you. J May you, your wife,
and Mushroom live in happy harmony from here on out.
Posted: 14-DEC-01
I have been married for less than one month.
My fiancé and I lived together for 2 years before getting married.
In those two years, my MIL stayed with us off and on, anywhere from
2 weeks to 2 months. She is married and she and her husband
live in Mexico. I perfectly understand her staying with us for
2 weeks at a time. However, this time around she has been with
us for almost 5 months, and proceeded to get a job. And, I repeat,
she has a husband in Mexico. She cannot seem to let go of her
only child. She calls him 2 or 3 times a day from work.
She calls him once in the morning to make sure he's awake, even though
I call him every morning. Then, she calls again on his way to
work, and sometimes on his way home from work. This is EVERY
day. Also, my husband and I could not afford to leave for our
honeymoon, so we had to spend it in town. His mother refused
to go stay with her sister for the week, saying that, since we had
been living together for 2 years, what was the point? And, now
that we are married, she harps on me daily for a child. I would
actually like to have a child. But, she has told us that as
soon as I get pregnant, she will leave her husband to come live with
us and "help" with the baby. I cannot bear the thought
of that. So, I am holding off on having children so I can have
time with my husband without his mother around. Unfortunately,
he sees nothing wrong with any of this. He was raised by only
his mother and grandmother, and is somewhat of a momma's boy.
I have no idea how to convince my husband that this woman is overly
intrusive in our lives, without looking like a jerk to my husband.
Please advise on what to tell my husband.
Signed - Need Time Alone
RESPONSE: Need Time Alone
Posted: 1-JAN-02
Here is something that worked for me when my DH insisted
that his mother spend EVERY weekend with us. When DH was ready
for some loving, I just told him, "Honey, I just don't feel comfortable
doing it with your mother right down the hall." After about
a month of no sex, DH decided on his own that we needed more time
alone as a married couple, and he told his mom she could only visit
a few times A YEAR! LOL. I hope it works for you too!
RESPONSE: Need Time Alone
Posted: 1-JAN-02
Make sure you're using good birth control. That
woman wants to take over and bring you down in it. As time goes
on, you will go crazy. She has way overdone her stay.
A week is too long. You're in for a real treat, too, if he is
a momma's boy, because you will always be the bad guy, no matter what.
Her being there that long is not healthy for your marriage.
She needs to get out now.
RESPONSE: Need Time Alone
Posted: 1-JAN-02
I totally agree. The same thing is happening
to me. My in-laws look like they are prepared to move in the
minute we have a kid. So, although I'd love to have one, I'm
holding off. It s*cks.
RESPONSE: Need Time Alone
Posted: 1-JAN-02
Gee, DH! I guess I can't "relax" enough
with your mother around constantly to even consider having a baby!
Worst gift: Posted: 02-DEC-01
A couple of Christmases ago, we were all sitting around
the tree exchanging gifts. My MIL got up and said, "Oh,
DIL, I forgot about you. Hold on." She came back
into the room and handed me a used (very used - crud around the top)
bottle of hand lotion and a pair of socks (with the price tag still
on it that she took from her daughter's drawer). And she said
to me, "Although the hand lotion is a store brand, it is still
very good quality and it has only been used a couple of times!"
I still have that bottle of hand lotion in the back of my bathroom
closet. I am waiting to wrap it up and give it back to her someday
- LOL.
Signed - Hand Lotion And
A Pair Of Socks
RESPONSE: Hand Lotion And A Pair Of Socks
Posted: 14-DEC-01
LOL. It made me laugh that you were keeping it
and thinking of returning to her some time in the future! KEEP
SMILING J.
RESPONSE: Hand Lotion And A Pair Of Socks
Posted: 14-DEC-01
Wow. Your MIL is truly a witch! That is
not only tacky, but downright RUDE! Oh well, at least you can
rest assured that she made an @Ss out of herself by being so CHEAP!!!
I would give her a dollar store gift for her Christmas present this
year. And, don't bother wrapping it. Just hand it to her
in the bright, yellow bag. J
RESPONSE: Hand Lotion And A Pair Of Socks
Posted: 14-DEC-01
That's awful. I felt so badly for you.
She forgot you? Is she just thoughtless, or do you sense some
passive-aggressive hostility?
RESPONSE: Hand Lotion And A Pair Of Socks
Posted: 14-DEC-01
SICK. What else is there to say? SICK is
all that comes to mind.
RESPONSE: Hand Lotion And A Pair Of Socks
Posted: 14-DEC-01
This is horrible. I don't think I would waste
my time on gifts for MIL anymore. What did your husband think?
My husband finally noticed that I was receiving gifts that were thoughtless
this summer when, for his birthday, he received a very expensive watch
(of course MIL left the price tag on it to impress him). And,
she made a big production of making me open my birthday present in
front of the entire family (a month late). It was a bottle of
dollar store bubble bath (said $1 on the front). All the other
DILs receive money, gift certificates, or thoughtful gifts.
I tried to be thankful, but was not surprised. The year before,
it was a sweatshirt that was 4 sizes too big! I hope your husband
comes around - mine finally did about the gifts, and made a comment
to her about it after the faaaamily had left the house. I was
so glad, but I am interested in what Christmas will be. Last
year my gift was supposedly lost in the mail, only mine.
RESPONSE: Hand Lotion And A Pair Of Socks
Posted: 14-DEC-01
OMG! Our MILs must have been classmates in charm
school. Just out of curiosity, what did your DH get for Xmas?
God, I thought mine was bad - one year she gave me a bag of pecans
(the kind you buy in the grocery store) because she "knows that
I like to bake".
RESPONSE: Hand Lotion And A Pair Of Socks
Posted: 1-JAN-02
I would have liked a bag of pecans. They're so
expensive! But, I'm sure there was more to that story - like
the respondent who got the bag of pecans is treated really badly by
her MIL and her husband got all kinds of electronic equipment for
Christmas or something!
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