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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 12/28/01
<--Previous Archive
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Posted: 13-DEC-01
I am writing this about my MIL. She is a very
loving person, and her whole intention is to HELP. I love her
to death, but sometimes her help is a little overbearing. I
would never want to hurt her feelings. She is the type of person
that will get mad, and go crazy over a tiny little incident.
We had a reception in our hometown for the people who couldn't attend
our wedding, because we were married out of state. At this reception,
my MIL told my aunt that she went through our drawers in our house
while we were away on our honeymoon. She was taking care of
our cats. I don't know exactly what was said. I didn't
find out about it until about a month later when my mom told me that
my aunt suggested that if I had anything that I didn't want my MIL
to see, I needed to hide it. I was furious. I called my
husband. He told me that he knew, but he didn't want to tell
me because he knew that I would be upset. When I got home, my
husband was talking to his dad. He asked him what drawers she
went through. His dad told him that she looked in our kitchen
drawers to see what dishes we had. I said ok. My husband
told him not to say anything to his mom because she would get mad.
They hung up. Five seconds later she called back and said that
we had a problem and she was on her way to our house. She pulled
up and jumped out of the truck in her pajamas. I walked up to
her and put my hands to her face and told her that everything was
OK and that it was just a miscommunication. She came into our
house and cussed me out in my own living room. She told me that
my family and I needed to learn some things, and that this was bull.
She cussed me for something that I didn't do. My husband didn't
say anything. I was so mad that I was crying. She slammed
the front door in my face. I told my husband that she would
never see her future grandchildren if she was going to act like that.
She was eavesdropping and heard. She came back in the door crying.
She talked about not having a father. She brings that into every
fight. Any little thing that happens, and she flies off the
handle. Whether I did it or not, it is my fault. My husband told me
that talking to her will only make things worse. Sometimes I
just want to tell her off, but it will just make her fury worse.
I don't know what to do.
Signed - Sometimes Her
Help Is A Little Overbearing
RESPONSE: Sometimes Her Help Is A Little Overbearing
Posted: 25-DEC-01
That "woman" is playing you and DH like an
out-of-tune-two-dollar-fiddle. Wake up!!! She is trying
to control you and DH. She is not being "helpful",
she is being manipulative. If you don't like something she is
doing, put a stop to it. Don't worry about her flying off the
handle. It is time for her to stop using her "hard"
life as an excuse and grow up. Plus, I'm not sure why her not
having a dad has anything to do with her relationship with you and
DH. Tell your DH that you are going to start developing a backbone
and stand up for yourself, and he'd better get on board, or life is
going to be a really bumpy ride.
RESPONSE: Sometimes Her Help Is
A Little Overbearing
Posted: 25-DEC-01
I could not understand if you were being polite by
saying that you loved her. I feel that she is just the kind
of MIL we all have, and if that is the case, it is not possible to
love her. Someone on this site gave me very good advice, which
I think you should follow: Stop talking to her. Avoid
her, and speak only when you have to say good morning or something
as small as that. Do not act angry. Just ignore her, and
avoid having conversation with her. There are two benefits of
doing this: She gets the message that she is not required in
your life without you saying it explicitly, and secondly, she will
never say something that will hurt you, since you do not talk at all.
Even if she starts a conversation and tries to hurt you, just pretend
that you did not hear what she said. She will SHUT Up after
some time. I recently stopped talking to my MIL on the phone.
She lives far from us. I hope I sent across a message to her
without my saying anything.
RESPONSE: Sometimes Her Help Is A Little Overbearing
Posted: 25-DEC-01
It sounds like we have similar situations. My
MIL is very helpful and caring, but also overbearing. Heck,
the woman bought Christmas presents for my husband's aunts in our
names. I think we are adults and can shop for ourselves.
But, like your husband, my DH says nothing. He tells me that
if I say anything, it will only make things worse. Avoidance
isn't an answer, but he's been doing it his whole life with his parents,
and he's miserable. What is wrong with our husbands? That,
I think, is the real problem. MIL is secondary. She can
only really get away with what our husband's or wives allow.
RESPONSE: Sometimes Her Help Is A Little Overbearing
Posted: 25-DEC-01
I think you are a saint to say ANYTHING good about
this woman!!
RESPONSE: Sometimes Her Help Is A Little Overbearing
Posted: 7-JAN-02
You were very nice to say anything good at all about
this woman. She doesn't sound helpful to me. She sounds
like an immature, bad-tempered psycho! It was nice of her to
watch your cats while you were gone. But, the minute she drove
up to your house like a crazy woman in her pajamas, cussing and acting
like a total jack@ass, she undid any of her good deeds. She
also overreacted if she was innocent of going through your things,
if you ask me. It's one thing to get your feelings hurt a little
bit if someone wonders if you went through their drawers, but it's
another thing to go off the deep end like that. That remark
about not having a father was also manipulative. And, it sounds
like it was her sorry attempt to get pity after she went too far.
I agree with one of the other posters - you are a saint!
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Worst gift: Posted: 23-DEC-01
On Christmas, my MIL gave me the most horribly ugly
Christmas sweater you have ever seen. When I held it up, she
said to me: Too bad Christmas is over. It looks like you
can't wear that until next year. Well, I did wear it the next
year, and I made sure I told everyone, as sweetly as I could, that
my MIL got it for me. Now, she was the one embarrassed, because
this sweater was awful.
Signed - Snag in My Sweater
RESPONSE: Snag in My Sweater
Posted: 7-JAN-02
That was a great story. I would have done the
same thing.
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Posted: 03-DEC-01
I have recently separated from my H, despite being
6 months pregnant, because I cannot stand his refusal to support me
against the tirade of abuse that I have suffered from his parents
over the years. MIL is one of those overbearing types who has
made it clear that she will only be happy when her DSs love her more
than me. Her exact words were, "They'll come to me.
They'll choose me, and then you'll be sorry." For years,
she has ignored me, lied about me to my H and her mother, hounded
me to the point of absolute despair, and told me that, unless she
gets to see the children more, she will have nothing to live for.
H responded by becoming severely depressed, smoking lots and lots
of dope, and, of course, blaming me for making him and his mother
miserable. And, I would not comply to her constant demands.
So, I had 2 little DS's, 2 jobs, an H who was chronically depressed
for years (and not working or participating in family life) - and
I am always the bad guy. H continued to berate and abuse me
and not accept that his mother would ever have said the things she
did, even when I was distraught to the point of despair. When
I found out I was pregnant, H told me that I could either have an
abortion or let his mother look after our children more. As
for FIL, he is a total bully. He has abused his wife for years
and is argumentative and unpleasant. On a family day out, he
restrained me and verbally abused me in front of H, his family, and
our little children. This is the man that killed H's pets in
front of him, and actually ate his pet eel. I'm tired of being
the bad guy and being blamed for the break down of our family.
All I wanted was for my H to love me and our kids and be involved
in our lives. Instead, I became the scapegoat for all of H and
his parent's problems. I was the reason they were all miserable,
but none of them ever cared about how I felt. So, if you think
that you're heading down this road now, do something about it.
Don't marry and have kids unless H is an orphan, you live 10,000 miles
from his parents, and your IL's don't have psychiatric problems.
You'll never find your H supporting you when you need it most.
Signed - Pregnant, The
Bad Guy, And Alone
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I hate to sound this way, but why did you marry him
in the first place? Also, if he and his family were so awful,
why did you have children with your DH? No matter what, you
are tied to DH and family forever. I hope other women who are
in similar situations take your lead and leave (hopefully before there
is a marriage or children). You don't just hurt yourself by
staying and trying to work it out, you can also end up hurting your
family - and worst yet, your children.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Most of us are in the same boat. It's so sad
that the ILs try deliberately to destroy our marriages. My MIL
is a miserable old troll. She is so unhappy that she can't stand
the fact that DH and I have been making it (10 years). She also
calls me a liar, tells me off, and guess what? DH is just a
little boy around her. He is supposed to be the man of my household,
and he is the protector of our family, yet he cowers to his mommy,
and allows her to take over when she comes over. I am so sorry
for your separation. I hate to see marriages, today, fail.
It is far too common these days. My MIL is causing a rift between
DH and I as well. So, I also understand that you just can't
take the abuse (for yourself and your children) any longer.
It's totally unfair of them to ask us to be the ones abused so they
can have their families. So many men (boys) don't understand
that once you marry, your WIFE becomes your #1 priority Most
of us just aren't that lucky. Please, take it easy. You
are under far too much stress under your condition. Take care
and God bless.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I live half way across the world from my MIL, but believe
me, I have been having sleepless nights for the past 6 months.
So, I think I am right in correcting you by saying - MARRY ONLY WHEN
DH IS AN ORPHAN - OR DON'T MARRY AT ALL.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I won't go into specifics, but I can really relate
to your story, and I want to say CONGRATULATIONS. It is so hard
to let go of a man that you love, especially when children are involved.
However, from what you described, your home with your husband is not
a good environment for you or your children. I give you three
cheers for standing up to him and his family, and taking control of
your life. I wish you all the luck in the world. And,
while things may be hard, don't forget you always have us for support.
My heart goes out to you, and, again, good luck.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Dear Pregnant: I'm having a hard time not sobbing
after reading your story. I think I'm going to start praying
for you (although I don't know who you are, and I'm not terribly religious).
You poor thing! Hopefully, you have family members (other than
DH's family) that you can look to for emotional support right now.
I'm sure it's critical! I'm no counselor (this is my caveat),
but I'd say that DH had as many problems as his mother. Don't
blame yourself or feel like you somehow handled the situation in a
way that is sub-par. It doesn't seem like there was anything
you could have done about the horrible family dynamic that your in-laws
had. When the DH is THAT BAD (the thing about the abortion ultimatum
really gets me), IMHO, it's beyond repair (and, your DH obviously
has some serious mental/emotional problems that are independent of
his mother at this point). How dare he treat you so horribly?
What the he!! are men like him thinking? You aren't cattle.
What about RESPECTING your wife (forget about love)? At least
some RESPECT is definitely in order! You hang in there!
I'm pulling for you!!!! You made the right choice, and PLEASE
don't let him change your mind about it! You may be mad now,
but in the future, it might get difficult for you to stand your ground.
Do it for your baby and other children. GEEEZ! What a
creep that guy is! Good job getting out of that family!
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I'm so sorry that things are so difficult for you right
now. You don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone, let
alone your own husband. The man is a fool to let his dysfunctional
family continue their legacy of craziness by infecting his own marriage
and children. You are smart to leave your H. He needs
a lot of help with both his substance abuse and his inability to separate
himself from his parents. Until he loses everything and hits
his rock bottom, he will continue to be in denial. I hope you
are able to make a better life for yourself and your children.
I wish you the very best, and I will say a prayer for you. Good
luck!
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I am very sorry for you. What an awful thing
to have happen for so long. Why did you wait until now, though?
At least you are moving on. It may be very difficult right now,
but at least the abuse will stop. What a horrible husband you
had. Absolutely Horrible. If I were you, I'd make sure
I had complete custody of your children, and NEVER allow his family
to see the kids again. Do you really want them exposed?
If you have to, move far, far away and get restraining orders.
But, do not, under any circumstances, expose your children to that
anymore. Good Luck.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 26-DEC-01
I am really sorry to hear about your H and IL problems.
I am very proud that you are strong for yourself and your kids.
I was married to a man that abused me all the time, mentally and physically.
When he mentioned kids, it made me run. I just couldn't see
myself married to a man like that, and letting my kids live through
what I was going through. Now, I am married and have a beautiful
baby boy who is 5 months old. Of course, when I told my mom
I was getting divorced, she replied, "Well, what about DH's (my
x) feelings?" Can you believe it?!! Now she complains
about how my husband will dip every once in a long while. My
reply was, "Well, if he never raises a hand at me, I really don't
care how much he dips." But, yet, my mother never complained
about how my x treated me. But, looking at my parent's relationship,
I can see why. Take care. I'm so proud of you!
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy,
And Alone
Posted: 26-DEC-01
I don't like the first respondent's post AT ALL.
To ask the original poster, "Why did you marry him in the first
place?" is both insensitive and frankly, just plain asinine.
Hindsight is 20/20 for all of us, and there's nothing the original
poster can do now about a PAST choice. Let's offer constructive
advice on how to deal with the poster's problem NOW, instead of beating
her up about past choices. To the original poster: My
advice is to find some people who truly care about you, to gain support
during this difficult time. My heart goes out to you.
I hope you know, deep inside, that you've done the right thing for
your future. Stay strong. Hugs.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy,
And Alone
Posted: 26-DEC-01
I just wanted to let you know that you are doing the
right thing by letting this guy go. This appears to be one whack-job
of a family. How could anyone come out normal after their father
consumed their pets. That is like serial killer stuff.
I know how it feels to be the scapegoat as well. I have 4 month
old triplets, and a three year old, and they are all on different
schedules. My husband doesn't participate much, but he does
work full-time (I will give him that). So, basically, I am left
to manage a household, three babies and a toddler on about 2 hours
of sleep. Well, my MIL constantly wants to know why can't I
work so my DH doesn't have to work overtime, or why can't I keep my
housework up? She always tries to make me look bad. And,
she blames me for all that is wrong in the world. I think that
you are making the right decision. Besides, you don't need someone
who is abusing drugs around your children. Stick to your guns.
If DH doesn't participate much with your kids, then they won't be
missing much anyway. Stay away from those crazies!!! Best
of luck.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 7-JAN-02
This is in response to the second poster on December
26th. The first respondent's post was neither "insensitive"
nor "asinine". She asked some very legitimate questions.
It sounds as if the original poster might have been, or is still involved
in an emotionally abusive relationship. If that is the case,
she DOES need to look back at her past choices to ensure she gets
out of this destructive cycle, and to ensure she doesn't make the
same mistakes again in the future. I've known abused people
who leap from one bad relationship to the other, or continually return
to the same bad relationship over and over. People involved
in abusive relationships deserve support and sympathy, but that does
not make them any less responsible for the consequences of their choices,
particularly when those choices involve and impact innocent children.
If you treat someone like a victim all the time, they will always
see themselves that way, and not take the responsibility to change
their life. Are you really that emotionally fragile that you
feel you need to attack someone just for asking a reasonable question?
Perhaps you are firmly entrenched in victim mode yourself, and don't
want anyone to ask you the hard questions that show you do have the
power to change your situation. The first response was far more
helpful to the original poster than one like yours could ever be.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy,
And Alone
Posted: 7-JAN-02
To the respondent who said she didn't like the first
response, YOU GO GIRL! I couldn't have said it any better than
you did! That first respondent was insensitive and judgmental,
to say the least! He/she wrote in as if they were perfect and
didn't make mistakes. We all learn from our mistakes, and that
is what makes us strong! The poster of this story needs support,
not criticism. To the poster: I hope your leaving your
husband has knocked some sense into him, and he realizes what is most
important - YOU! I feel badly for you that you're alone and
pregnant, and pray that you have family to help you.
RESPONSE: Pregnant, The Bad Guy, And Alone
Posted: 7-JAN-02
Oh, I feel for you. There's no way to know in
advance that your ILs will be this way. You never expect that
those who also love the one you love will treat you so miserably.
I also have a MIL from he!!, but, fortunately, she finally went too
far, and my husband has broken contact with her permanently.
I am pregnant, too. I think you have to be strong for yourself
and your children. There's no point beating yourself up, because
you can't change the past.
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Posted: 28-DEC-01
I just found this site, and think it is a great idea!
My MIL really burned me up today, and I really don't have anyone to
tell. Here goes: My MIL comes to my home every Thursday
to watch my little ones so I can go to work. Once a week is
her time to come over. The rest of the week, the kids are at
daycare. This gives us a break on daycare expense. She
came over this morning, and quietly told me what she bought the kids
for Christmas so that I wouldn't buy duplicates. I already shopped,
and wrote a list for her of everything I bought to prevent duplicates.
I gave her that list 2 weeks ago. One of the gifts she just
bought was a duplicate. The gift I bought for my daughter was
a game she will be very excited to open. It's wrapped and ready
for Christmas. My MIL accused me of not writing the item on
the "already bought list" and said that that is why she
bought it. I know I wrote it on the list, but the list is not
available to look at anymore. She didn't keep it. I told
her that I already had the gift wrapped - she didn't budge.
That is the gift she is giving my daughter. Her shopping is
done, period. She actually expects me to unwrap the gift and
take it back! I went to work all flustered. I called my
sister and asked if her kids might want it, but they're not into that
game. There's no one else on my Christmas list to shop for.
I emailed a friend who said to take my gift back and that life is
too short! She said I would find something better. I called
my MIL and told her that I was stumped on what to do about the duplicate.
She said, "Well, I could take mine back." I asked
her if she would have time or did she want me to go with her.
When she said, "No, I'll take it back this week or next week,
after Christmas," it was very clear that this was the beginning
of a major stress between us. If she didn't win, she was going
to be sure I was miserable. She actually hung up without saying
good-bye. Am I the only person who feels that she should take
her gift back because she bought a duplicate? I really, really
am looking forward to my daughter opening this gift. Am I doomed
to always see that game in my house and feel miserable or selfish?
That woman is at my house probably doing my laundry, and I am at work
feeling terrible.
Signed - Everything Going
Great, Until Now
RESPONSE: Everything Going Great, Until Now
Posted: 7-JAN-02
Next year, give your MIL the list. Make sure
FIL and DH see the list (and see you give her the list). That
way, there is no denying what is on the list. Another solution
to the problem is to donate the duplicate to charity. To make
yourself look good, offer to buy the duplicate from MIL and let her
know you'll be giving it to a shelter or other such charity.
Those kids can always use a new toy or game.
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Posted: 13-DEC-01
My future MIL (the wedding is weeks away) stated, at
a recent family gathering, that she will be wearing black to our wedding.
To set the stage - this woman tried to prevent her adult son from
having a relationship with me for years because of our racial differences.
When he finally told her we planned to be together forever, she seemed
to soften. When we got engaged, she badgered us about having
a "wedding the whole family could attend." We were
going alone to the islands to marry (in a simple ceremony) and honeymoon.
She complained for months that she was not "invited", saying
she just wanted to be there. We have since changed our travel
plans, and will marry in a family only ceremony here in the USA.
She, of course, is still complaining. Now I know why.
She wants to ruin our day by wearing black as an act of silent protest!
She even pouted through my bridal shower. UUUUUGH!
Signed - Frustrated Bride-to-be
RESPONSE: Frustrated Bride-to-be
Posted: 25-DEC-01
Lesson one: You will never win! Lesson
two: This will woman will be in your life forever, set the rules
now. Lesson three: Have a lot of friends to vent to.
RESPONSE: Frustrated Bride-to-be
Posted: 6-JAN-02
Wow. I am sorry to hear how poorly your FMIL
is treating you. I, too, have a terrible MIL. I would
not wish a mean MIL on my worst enemy when trying to plan and enjoy
a wedding. My MIL did the same thing at our shower. She
was upset because we did not do exactly as she wished at our shower
- long story. So, to get us back, she got into a verbal fight
with another lady at the shower, she said bad things about my mother
in the vestibule, and she pouted the entire time. It was very
pathetic. But, you know what? She only made herself look
bad. Everyone was looking at her in disgust, and pitying DH
and I. And, her antics did not change any of our plans, and
did not lessen the beauty or importance of our wedding events.
Please try not to let her win by bothering you. All she wants
is the attention anyway. Do not give it to her. Be the
better people, and just try to stay away from her a little more.
If she acts sad, totally ignore her. I know it is not the ideal
situation, but it would be very hard for you to change your plans
at this point, I'm sure. The important thing is that you and
your FDH love each other and WILL be married - with her blessings
or not. Good Luck to you and your FDH. Congratulations
on the upcoming wedding!
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Posted: 26-DEC-01
I have dated my fiancé for three years, and
we have been engaged for six months. His mother and sister have
been a constant source of dissension for the past two years.
It all started when his sister, who is a bitter and mean person, decided
that she "got a bad vibe" off of me and started to bad mouth
me to my fiancé's mother. My future MIL told my fiancé
that he better "fix it" between him and his sister, or she
was going to cut him out of the family. His sister said some
very hurtful things about me, including calling me a gold digger,
and made sure that she told enough people so it would get back to
me. When I confronted her about it, she started crying and told
my MIL a lot of untrue things about what I had said. My future
MIL has, since then, gone out of her way to thwart our wedding plans,
and to make my fiancé miserable. I refuse to visit or
to deal with them, and my fiancé plans on cutting them off
as soon as he is out of graduate school and can buy his own car (they
have loaned him a car to use). My MIL is rude to my mother and
father, and is, in general, the most awful person I have ever met.
Signed - The Most Awful
Person I Have Ever Met
RESPONSE: The Most Awful Person I Have Ever Met
Posted: 6-JAN-02
Take my advice - RUN. RUN VERY QUICKLY!
DON'T LOOK BACK! It WILL get worse, I can assure you.
It will be worse than you ever imagined it would. Just wait
until you have children with this man. Then, she will REALLY
give you problems. RUN, RUN, RUN! If he lets this go on
now (he can put a stop to it no matter what anyone says), he will
let it go on after you are married. Do you really want this
the rest of your life? Maybe, if your fiancé sees how
serious you are about him putting an end to it or else, he will take
care of this (which should have been taken care of the first time
ANYONE in his family said ANYTHING bad about you). If he sees
how serious you are and doesn't do anything, then that just proves
that I am right. You will have to spend the rest of your life
putting up with this. I know this from personal experience.
I am just trying to help out someone in a similar situation.
I truly wish you all the best. If you do marry him, simply ask
for a valium or prozac bridal shower from his family, so you can put
up with them better. My SIL and I are both on antidepressants
because of the MIL we share!
RESPONSE: The Most Awful Person
I Have Ever Met
Posted: 6-JAN-02
I really feel for you. My advice is for you to
let your in-laws-to-be stew in their own juices. People who
interfere in a spiteful way get what's coming to them as a result
of their own actions. Your man has done the right thing, prioritizing
you above them, and defending you. People who b!tch like that
are insecure, b!tchy, unhappy people. And, no doubt, the b!tching
is directed at others in their lives also.
RESPONSE: The Most Awful Person I Have Ever Met
Posted: 6-JAN-02
Run away from this as fast as you can. No matter
how much you love him, it won't make things easier. Those two
women will only get worse in time. Signed: Speaking From
Experience or Should Have Left Sooner.
RESPONSE: The Most Awful Person I Have Ever Met
Posted: 6-JAN-02
Leave him. Trust me, blood is thicker than water.
And, in the end, you cannot compete with someone's family. Avoid
a life of anger and resentment - get out now.
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Posted: 25-DEC-01
It's 3:30 in the morning, and I can't sleep.
Why? Because of the most hateful person in the whole world.
Yes, I know you all guessed who it is. Today is one of those
days when I can't get her out of my mind. I am soooooooooooo
irritated, that I am not able to do anything at all. Is it my
fault that FIL died (he died when DH was 5yrs old) and now all MIL
does is lean on us for support (even though she lives miles away from
us, and we meet only on Christmas)? Why the he!! does she have
to make my life miserable?? I read a little of the book on emotional
incest, and that is exactly what she does to us! Every
day she talks about how she is alone, and how she is a widow who is
totally dependent on us. Bullsh!t. She is working and
earning a good living. Still, we have to constantly support
her financially. She is financially stable and happy in her
life, but whenever she talks to us, she makes us feel guilty for abandoning
her. We call twice a week and have listen to all her sh!t.
SILs are always trying to put the guilt of being without a father
on DH, and pretending that he is their father, and has to solve all
their problems - financial and otherwise. I am the youngest
of all my brothers and sisters, and so is DH. I am not used
to having such a burden put on me, and I get emotionally disturbed
by the fact that everyone is leaning on DH and me. It is starting
to get to me, and I am about to explode. DH is used to this
emotional torture, and is able to take the pressure. I can't
even say a word to DH about it, as he already has enough on his hands.
Sometimes, when I try, he understands me. But, he tells me that,
since he does not have a father, he has to listen and look out for
them. I feel that it is OK to look out for each other in a family,
but it is another to try to find a father in your brother who is 15
years younger than you are. I don't know what to do. Sometimes,
I am so upset with all this that I feel like leaving everything behind
me and leaving. Sometimes, I want to fight back and tell all
of them to leave us alone, as we have our own set of problems.
I am also sick and tired of MIL and SIL feeling resentment towards
me, which only I can see, and DH does not. They are threatened
by me, because they know I am the only person who is closer to DH
than they will ever be. I want to have a good relationship with
them, but I know that it is impossible. The only way I will
be able to please them is by changing myself completely, forgetting
about my values, and being the person who they want me to be.
These people resort to back biting about me to DH, and indirectly
saying bad things to me. I am very hurt and angry, but I don't
know what to do. I can't ask my DH to leave and forget his family,
as I know he loves them and cannot abandon them. I will not
be happy seeing him unhappy. I, also, do not like them for the
things they have done to me. I cannot take the burden of what
they expect out of me. I am, right now, going through a very
difficult period in my life, which DH and I cannot share with the
ILs or anybody. These guys are putting so much strain on me
that I feel like giving up and letting things happen on their own.
But, right now, I am at that stage of life that, if I give up, I will
never achieve what I want to achieve. I don't know what I will
do. Thanks for listening. Getting responses is not the
objective of my entry today. I just wanted to get it out of
my system. Bear with me if it is confusing. I do not have
any real friends with whom I can share all these personal problems.
Thanks.
Signed - Troubled And Clueless
On What To Do Next
RESPONSE: Troubled And Clueless On What To Do Next
Posted: 6-JAN-02
I was in the same, or almost the same boat . My
DH and I were the only ones in his family who had any income.
Everyone looked to us for financial and emotional support. My
MIL lived with us, on and off, for three years. When we suggested
that she get her own place, she would talk like she would be living
on the streets in a cardboard box, etc. My SIL, her boyfriend,
and her kids (six) lived with us for six months, during which time
I had my one year old son, and my DH was the only adult in the house
(of five adults and eight kids) to be working. To top that off,
someone called Children's Services on my SIL. CS investigated
all the children in the house - my son was considered "at risk"
for being in the same home as my SIL (the charge was that she neglected
her kids). I was ready to pull my hair out! I was at the
very end of my rope. And, you know what? I took my son
and I walked away from the whole mess! It took a couple of weeks
with my family, and I was able to step back and see the situation
for what it was. My DH couldn't, or wouldn't put his foot down
and demand that his family get their own place, or even get a job,
and start paying us rent. He didn't, or wouldn't, tell his SIL
(his brother's wife, not even blood related - his brother was in jail).
I was the only one that seemed to find the situation unbearable, and
I left. Once I was away from the situation for a few weeks,
I was able to realize that our marriage really wasn't much of a marriage,
and I sought a divorce. It's been six years now, and I can honestly
say the divorce was the best thing that I ever could have done.
My ex even has a better life now. He couldn't help his family,
so they had to learn how to do it on their own.
RESPONSE: Troubled And Clueless
On What To Do Next
Posted: 6-JAN-02
You are not alone on this one. "Real"
friends are hard to come by, especially those who understand without
judging. I know your goal wasn't to get responses, but your
story seemed close to home to me. My husband's family always
expected him to do what was right for them, forget that HE had his
own life. Now, since he won't conform, they've cut him off.
It's been a strange, peaceful silence. The holidays are really
hard, knowing his family won't accept him. Your husband is trapped
the same way. He is stuck between who he wants to be and who
he feels he has to be. And, where does that leave you?
I'll tell you where it leaves you - watching him being taken advantage
of on a daily basis. It will be up to him to set new limits.
You'll need to talk about this before it gets any worse. He
needs you on his team, always. Unconditional love probably doesn't
exist in their family.
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Frequent
Fry Her TM -
MIL Hell 1 of 4 /Posted: 25-DEC-01
I can't believe it. My MIL and I are actually
talking! But, of course, something bad just happened and she
needs support. I don't mind giving it right now in her time
of need, and I can tell that this is going to be a hard Christmas
for her and my BIL. You have to know what happened. Well
it starts like this: My husband's brother is married, and they
got into debt with credit cards, etc. They had been trying for
about a year to take out a second mortgage on their house, and kept
getting turned down because of all the negative marks on their credit.
Well, this started causing a lot of stress on their marriage, and
things started going downhill. My ILs saw this happening to
their son and his wife, so they offered to cosign for a second mortgage
to pay off all the debt, so there would be less stress on their marriage.
So, the loan was taken out on the house, and now his wife is gone.
She took off with all the money, and left my BIL. And, now,
the family is devastated. I know this is sad, but it has brought
my MIL closer, and we are now talking. It actually gave me the
opportunity to offer an ear and a shoulder to her, and she really
appreciates it. So, maybe things will turn around for us, because
I really do like being part of the family. It's just hard to
swallow the idea that someone in the family could actually take all
that money and run. She even has two kids who are now left with
my BIL!! What do you ladies think? Do you think she ran
off with another man??
Signed - Devastated And
Confused
( I
want my own
Frequent Fry Her TM Page )
RESPONSE: Devastated And Confused
Posted: 6-JAN-02
It never fails, that those who get help from their
in-laws are the ones who are as worthless as your SIL is. Too
bad it took this for your MIL to see you as the decent person you
are. Be careful, though - be really careful. I don't want
to see you hurt again.
RESPONSE: Devastated And Confused
Posted: 6-JAN-02
OH, MERCIFUL GOD! What a wife that BIL had.
Maybe it's a plus that she's gone. Someone who leaves behind
2 kids is not worth spitting on. And as for your MIL, come on.
You know the truth. Just don't mistake the cry for help of your
MIL as a sign of true friendship or anything close to it.
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Worst gift: Posted: 17-DEC-01
After my first child was born, my MIL came to visit
in order to see our new baby. When she arrived, she said she
had a present for me. She told me that my DH mentioned that
I had gotten fat (on top of being pregnant), so she found the perfect
gift - a girdle!!! Needless to say, MILs in glass houses -------.
Signed - Slim And Trim
After Two
RESPONSE: Slim And Trim After Two
Posted: 5-JAN-02
A girdle? Since when do 80 year old women give
birth? What's up with that? How rude!
RESPONSE: Slim And Trim After Two
Posted: 5-JAN-02
What an awful woman! Why would your MIL think
that she could get so personal with you? I would have handed
it back and said, "Sorry! I'm sure DH loves me for what
I am!
RESPONSE: Slim And Trim After Two
Posted: 5-JAN-02
I am in agreement with you. My "so called
MIL" writes me insults about having a "fat ass".
My DH thinks it is humorous because I am on the thin side, size 12,
and kind of tall, and his mommy is about 5' 2" and weighs 200+
pounds!!!
RESPONSE: Slim And Trim After Two
Posted: 5-JAN-02
I know your pain. A few years back, my MIL got
me a gift certificate for liposuction. I'll never forgive her,
although she pretends to this day that it was an "iiiiiiinnocent"
gift. Yeah, right.
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Posted: 02-DEC-01
My in-laws are great. My MIL helps us and my
two sisters-in-law with our kids. The problem I have is my husband's
11 year old niece. She is the oldest grandchild - there are
4 in total. She is very, very disrespectful to everyone.
This child runs over her mother, her grandmother, and all of her cousins.
She fights with my two year old, and loves to bully my 5 year old.
However, when I am around, I put a stop to her. This makes me
look like the bad one. When she hits or pushes my two kids,
I always start by asking her nicely to stop. However, her mother
just sits there along with my MIL and never asks her to stop.
I then change my tone of voice and sternly ask her to stop or I'll
have to spank her. I have never touched her and never will.
It seems to work when I change my tone of voice. However, no
one corrects this child. I refuse to go to my SIL's house because
she becomes a little sh!t. She does not know how to share or
be a good host.
Signed - No One Corrects
This Child
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
Whether or not you agree with the concept of spanking,
it is certainly inappropriate under ALL circumstances to: A)
Discipline someone else's child in the presence of the parent and
B) Spank an 11-year-old (an adolescent). Spanking an adolescent
girl, especially one whom it is not your responsibility to discipline,
could be considered a sexual assault.
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
That is a problem. It sounds like you're handling
it well, except that threatening to physically discipline another's
child is a no-no (even if you never plan to actually do it).
Don't be too hard on your MIL for not stepping in to discipline the
girl either. She may feel, and rightfully so, that it is the
girl's mother who needs to correct her! This is a tricky situation.
If you can, and do, limit your children's exposure to your niece,
then just handle things as they come up and keep the peace.
Or, if you're willing to risk a confrontation, you could start addressing
things more pointedly. The next time your niece hits, fights,
or bullies one of your children, simply get up and tell the kids that
it's time to go. Maybe her mommy will get the hint! If
not, maybe your niece will learn that if she misbehaves, she'll lose
her playmates. The other thing you could try is simply to ask
your SIL to step in. There is no excuse for an 11 year old to
behave that way with much younger children! You can express
it as being concerned as much for the well-being of your niece as
for your own kids. I can relate a little. Even though
I don't have kids of my own, I have a three year old nephew who lives
with me. He's a sweet, wonderful little boy. I have a
niece who is much older, and he just adores her. She's mostly
a good girl, but as she gets older, she is becoming increasingly spoiled,
bossy, manipulative and superficial. Her mother (whom I love
and respect) is just one of those moms who thinks her kids do no wrong.
As my niece is getting older, I see her becoming very manipulative,
selfish and superficial. I feel guilty for saying this, but
I almost don't enjoy being around her anymore. When I'm at their
house, she demands my complete attention and tries to order me around!
When I don't allow this, and finally break away so I can visit my
brother and his wife, she pouts something awful. She expects
to get her way. At a family function, recently, my sister went
outside to find my niece and another older child picking on my nephew
and calling him a monster. My nephew was just sobbing.
I heard about it after the fact, and it broke my heart for my nephew!
I'm furious with my niece. If I'd been there, I would have pulled
her aside and given her a piece of my mind and demanded that she apologize.
This probably would have resulted in her pouting and running to her
mother, resulting in a huge family blow up. But, I think I would
have done it anyway. I love my niece, but I just can't stand
watching children bully or pick on other children. There is
NO excuse for it, and adults who let it happen deserve a good swift
kick in the rear!
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
This type of thing happens all of the time at my house
as well! It is very frustrating to try and be a good host when
someone else's kid is running around with full drinks in their hands!
UGHHH! I hear you girl!
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
There is something wrong when an 11 year old is beating
up on a 2 and 5 year old. You need to do whatever it takes to
protect your children! They are just babies, and your niece
has the potential to do them some serious harm, whether she means
to or not! You need to get your DH involved. He has to
speak to his sister. If she refuses to see the problems, and
cries for attention that her daughter is displaying, then you may
have to limit contact with her until she takes some responsibility!!
Good luck!
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
I know how you feel. My BIL (DH's brother) has
a daughter who is 6. She is 4 months younger than my DD.
This niece of my husband's is a terror. No one, not her mother
nor her father, says anything to her. They just ignore her.
My DH and I dread spending any time with them. We have to spend
the next day deprogramming my DD after a day with the cousin.
My MIL keeps saying that someone should say something, but no one
ever does. BIL is MIL's favorite, and MIL spends quite a lot
of time watching the daughter. There is no consistency in this
child's life. On the one hand, I felt sorry for her when she
was younger and did not know any better. But, now, she is just
becoming a huge brat. I can see things getting much worse.
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 17-DEC-01
I can't stand disrespectful kids or parents.
But, threatening the child (and she is a child) is totally out of
line. Don't be around her if you absolutely can't take it!
I know that would piss me off, no doubt. But, you can't threaten
someone else's kids. Being parents who let kids act like that
is miserable. I know from experience. But, there are always
going to be parents who do things differently than we do. I
think you have tried to talk to the child, and it is not working because
she is a little girl. Her mother is responsible, and if you
want to really put a stop to what is happening, or make a resolution,
go directly to the mom. It is easy to have the courage to threaten
an eleven year old girl who you have become irritated by, but the
real challenge is to voice your concerns with the mom and dad of this
holy terror of a child. That eleven year old will eventually
be a grown up, one day, and so will your kids. Then, they will
make the choice to hang out together, and it will kill you.
So, my advice would be to work it out. Family is family.
Parenting is hard. You have the guts to teach your kids to be
upstanding, and that is great, but don't knock so hard on your SIL.
Maybe she really is clueless about what the girl needs in order to
learn behave. P.S. I know what works with kids like that.
You have to take her to the store with you. Invite her over
for dinner alone. Do something fun with her that she likes,
and begin to teach and develop a good steady relationship. Stop
the negativity. That might be what is causing her rudeness toward
you and your kids. You have told us how you see her. I
wonder how she views you. Anyway, spend time with her, and get
to know her without the negativity. Let her know that things
have been tense and you are not sure why. Tell her that you
would like to start over. You need to tell her the positive
things about her, and then ask her if she can tone it down around
you and your kids. Tell her how much you love your kids and
how it bothers you to see them hurt. Go on to explain that some
of the things (not all) are causing that hurt. Hey, she is human.
I think you just need a different, non-threatening approach.
Eleven year olds are not serial killers. Let's not condemn a
misguided child.
RESPONSE: No One Corrects This Child
Posted: 5-JAN-02
Maybe you should have some compassion for this eleven
year-old child. She's obviously acting out for some reason.
Try understanding her, and showing love. I had an aunt who was
harsh and judgmental when I was going through a difficult time (adolescence).
I'll never forget her insensitivity and downright meanness.
That was 35 years ago. Try getting in this child's shoes and
developing a bond. She's obviously hurting somewhere deep inside.
Your rigid attitude towards her is not going to help things, but only
make them worse.
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Posted: 17-DEC-01
This isn't as horrible as most of the stories here,
but it's just really weird. I just met my FMIL a week ago.
Her first words upon meeting me were, "Oh. She's taller
than me," in a very disappointed tone of voice. And, she
kept coming back to the subject of my height at the slightest provocation.
It's been a week now, and apparently, whenever I'm mentioned in their
house, she comments on how tall I am. And, I'm only 5'6".
Strange.
Signed - Too Tall
RESPONSE: Too Tall
Posted: 5-JAN-02
Just get ready, honey. The deluge is coming!
Sorry to be negative, but that sounds like a jealous/competitive MIL
comment if I ever heard one. Think about it: Would you,
or any other polite person, say anything approaching that about another
person's appearance, let alone a guest in your house and prospective
new family member? WATCH OUT!
RESPONSE: Too Tall
Posted: 5-JAN-02
I feel the vibes. Just another know-it-all MIL.
She sounds dull, if that's all she can say. Good luck.
You still have a chance to see if he is a momma's boy and take it
from there (to see if you want to have a life like that). It
only gets worse.
RESPONSE: Too Tall
Posted: 5-JAN-02
The woman has issues. Be aware.
RESPONSE: Too Tall
Posted: 8-JAN-02
She probably thought her son would go for an exact
replica of herself. And, so, she is affronted that you are that
bit taller.
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Posted: 16-DEC-01
We didn't have rice, birdseed, bubbles or confetti
at our wedding (not allowed in the church) or reception. But,
that didn't stop my MIL. After the recessional, while the bridal
party waited for guests to clear out so that we could take pictures,
my MIL raided the poor box, opened a package of rice, chased us down
and threw it at us.
Signed - MIL Raided The
Poor Box
RESPONSE: MIL Raided The Poor Box
Posted: 5-JAN-02
LOL She sounds like a loon. I hope she
was responsible for cleaning it up, though.
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Posted: 17-DEC-01
Let me just start out by letting you know that my home
is always clean and smells great. I am very meticulous about
this. I wish I could say the same for HER. SHE came over
one evening (unannounced, of course!). She had a bag with her,
and said she was at the store and thought I could use this, so she
picked it up for me. What was it? Spray on fabric deodorizer.
I looked at her in astonishment and did not know what to say.
My husband interjected and told her that she needed it more than we
did. And he told her to keep it!
Signed - Spray On Fabric
Deodorizer
RESPONSE: Spray On Fabric Deodorizer
Posted: 5-JAN-02
Unless your MIL has a history of behaving in a nasty
manner toward you, I doubt she meant to be insulting. You, yourself,
said that you were meticulous when it came to house work, so she might
have thought you would like the fabric deodorizer. It's funny
how this sort of thing can be misinterpreted. My SIL (bro's
wife) is a cleaning maniac. My niece got her a book called "Talking
Dirty With the Queen of Clean" for Christmas because it has all
kinds of solutions for hard cleaning problems. I shudder to
think that my SIL would be insulted by a gift that was given with
nothing but good intentions!
RESPONSE: Spray On Fabric Deodorizer
Posted: 5-JAN-02
Bravo!
RESPONSE: Spray On Fabric Deodorizer
Posted: 5-JAN-02
Good for your husband!!!
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Worst gift: Posted: 16-DEC-01
My MIL always gives cr@ppy gifts. She is quantity,
not quality, so pretty much every gift sucks. But, one year
I was helping her wrap gifts, and when Christmas day rolled around,
I ended up opening gifts from her that I had wrapped. TACKY!!!
Signed - Pretty Much Every
Gift Sucks
RESPONSE: Pretty Much Every Gift Sucks
Posted: 4-JAN-02
I have a relative like that. She would do that,
or she would describe in detail what she bought to me. Then,
later, I would get it. It was usually some silly little thing.
She, of course, expects expensive gifts or unusual things. She
would give things away if she didn't think that they were good enough
for her!
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Worst gift: Posted: 02-DEC-01
Last Christmas, the first year I was married, my MIL
kept rambling about how much I was going to love my Christmas present
this year, and she couldn't wait for me to open it. When the
big day finally came to open it, imagine my disappointment when I
opened the package and it contained a bugle. I have never played
or shown the interest to play the bugle before, but now I have one
(complete with my name engraved on it). A year later, she still
occasionally asks if I have begun taking lessons on it yet!
I don't have the heart to say that I have hidden it away and am still
trying to forget it!
Signed - Haven't Begun
Taking Lessons Yet
RESPONSE: Haven't Begun Taking Lessons Yet
Posted: 16-DEC-01
I don't know your MIL, but I know mine. There
is probably a little passive aggressive message behind that bugle.
You know they call the troops to action with a bugle? Is it
possible that she was trying to tell you that you are bossy?
Just wondering.
RESPONSE: Haven't Begun Taking Lessons Yet
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Maybe, your MIL had received the bugle as a gift and
recycled it on you! At least she should have made sure to give
it to someone who had shown an interest in playing the bugle! (LOL!)
RESPONSE: Haven't Begun Taking Lessons Yet
Posted: 16-DEC-01
Tell your MIL that you just aren't like her - so that
you really don't feel the need to "toot your own horn".
But, you are sure you could have her name engraved on it instead.
Or, have it attached to a beautiful wreath, complete with new engraving,
and give it to her this Christmas as a gift for her front door!
RESPONSE: Haven't Begun Taking Lessons Yet
Posted: 16-DEC-01
That's funny! What in the world was she thinking?
RESPONSE: Haven't Begun Taking Lessons Yet
Posted: 4-JAN-02
If MIL isn't being mean in any other way (if she treats
you well at other times), I think I should go with that wreath idea.
You could have it done professionally with lovely sheet music, perhaps
a couple of musical-type ornaments, a burgundy velvet ribbon trimmed
in the same gold color as the horn. You know, do it up good!
Then, if it isn't something you would like, give it to your MIL as
a "wonderful and thoughtful" gift. Maybe she has a
thing for bugles. ;-)
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Posted: 25-DEC-01
Thanks, everyone, for all the wonderful advice.
I am the one who wrote, "Just want to get away". My
situation is still the same, except my son will be going to day care
in March. In March, he will be turning four, therefore it is
preschool time. I don't really speak to my SIL anymore.
I avoid her as much as possible. As for my MIL, she is still
watching my son, and offering as much advice, and as many opinions,
as she can. Today, I heard her telling my son, "Let's go
to MOM'S house." I interjected, and asked her if she has
a problem with my son calling her "grandma, nana, or granny,"
etc. She responded by saying that she does not have a problem.
But, I could see by the expression on her face that she did.
My husband does not want to seek counseling. He does not feel
that we have a problem. But, get this: He wanted to buy
his parents a $1,700 shed for Christmas, and to do this he would have
to take the money out of our savings account. In the three years
that we have been married, DH has never spent anything close to this
amount on me. When I told him that I don't agree with this,
his response was, "Well, let's just not get you anything for
Christmas." After some tears and arguing, DH has agreed
to spend $300.00 on his parents. This is how MIL has planned
our Christmas: On Christmas day, MIL and FIL will come over
at 9 am for breakfast. Afterwards, my son and DH are going to
MIL's house to open their presents. I do not want to come to
this event. I just don't know how I am going to get out of it.
My MIL refuses to bring the presents over to my house, when she comes
over at 9 am, because she feels that if my 3 year old son opens her
presents in my house, he is going to think they are from me (cr@p).
I think the real reason is that she wants DH to spend Christmas with
her, as he always has since he was a boy. To understand my situation
better, I have to stress that my DH and his parents are very close.
It is very strange. He is constantly seeking their approval.
I know for a fact that if I were to tell my MIL off, I wouldn't have
a marriage. This is how strongly DH feels about mommy and daddy.
I wish I knew this about him before I got married. However,
I AM married. Now, I just wish this situation would just go
away. Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks again.
Signed - Sick And Tired
Of Being Sick And Tired
RESPONSE: Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired
Posted: 4-JAN-02
I really feel for you. My child is three years
old also, and my MIL behaved pretty badly after she was born.
But, last Christmas, my DH and I had had ENOUGH, and didn't speak
to her for eight months!!! I think that traditions start at
home. You and your child are your DH's family now. He
does not need to ruin your Xmas by running to mommy's house.
At three, your child is old enough to know who gifts come from.
MIL is being absurd!
RESPONSE: Sick And Tired Of Being
Sick And Tired
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Until DH starts putting you and DS first, you have
a problem. If you get any good advice from this site, you may
want to print the responses, as well as some other useful information
and give it to him to read. Then, tell him that you don't want
to come between him and his parents. Rather, you just want him
to get his priorities straight.
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Posted: 25-DEC-01
I'm not quite sure, after reading everybody else's"MIL
as a grandma" stories, if I ought to be jumping for joy, or be
incredibly miffed. My hubby and I just had our first baby in
October. Since then, my mom has made time (she works 80 hours
a week) to come over and help with the baby, cook, clean, and just
be there so I can escape for an hour or two. She's helped out
immensely by buying a crib for the baby, along with lots of other
assorted baby things. Now, I never expected my MIL to buy the
baby anything (even though she and FIL are very well off, and my mom
is broke) and I never expected her to come help out after baby was
born. In fact, I'm quite pleased that she hasn't invaded my
home. BUT, I had thought that she would show SOME interest in
the new baby. I asked my hubby why his mom wasn't more excited
about the baby. He replied that it was the 4th grandbaby for
her. I pointed out that it was her son's first baby, and she
ought to be happy for him. So, I'm just a tad befuddled about
my feelings right now. Oh, AND, if any of you remember reading
a past post of mine concerning my concerns about my incredibly violent
young nephew, my SIL caught him trying to drown their kitten in the
bathtub, and he tried to kill his sister's pet frog. MIL and
SILs think that this boy will be a great playmate for my 2 month old
(perhaps when He!! freezes over).
Signed - Befuddled And
Alarmed
RESPONSE: Befuddled And Alarmed
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Your nephew needs psychiatric help immediately!
When children hurt or kill animals, it is a major sign that they are
deeply disturbed. It is not in any way normal, or "boys
will be boys" behavior. Please, NEVER leave your baby alone
with that child, or even with his mother, who is obviously in denial
about how sick her son really is. You need to talk to your DH
about this. And, if he doesn't agree, consult a professional
counselor (who will agree that his nephew is disturbed, and should
not be trusted near your child). Good luck!
RESPONSE: Befuddled And Alarmed
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Kids who abuse animals have a big problem. They
usually go on to abuse people. Seek professional help.
Some people just have no interest in children.
RESPONSE: Befuddled And Alarmed
Posted: 4-JAN-02
This is about the nephew of yours. Don't let
him ANYWHERE near YOUR BABY! It scares the he!! out of me.
If the kid is more than 7 years old, his parents should send him to
a shrink. And, for your SIL, the same.
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Posted: 09-DEC-01
My MIL died last night. She was a bright, critical
person who enjoyed her friends and her nieces. She was a woman
who grew up without grandparents, and because of this, I think, lacked
the important role model of what it was to be a grandparent in action.
I knew that my relationship with my MIL was going to be a complicated
one from her criticism of my own mother, and her stuffing of our wedding
invitations. My cakes were too oily, furniture too dusty (as
I would watch her putting her long nailed finger across my tables
and looking at her finger). I tried to be a meticulous housewife.
I tried to bake and cook well for my family, always inviting her to
dinners, treating her with respect, for she was my husband's mother.
I figured that, eventually, I would win her over, or, at least, I
would be respectful. The day we learnt that I was pregnant for
the first time, I was so excited. We had been married for two
years. My husband was sure his mother would be delighted.
As I told my MIL, she said, "Well, don't expect me to baby-sit."
I was floored. I expected her to wish me well, perhaps wish
her son well, and be happy for herself. My husband was sad that
his mother was not the grandmother that he had expected. My
MIL was treated like a queen by all. On holidays, we would join
her for her sumptuous dinners. When my little boy was three,
I asked him to sing her a song that he had learnt at nursery school.
While he was singing beautifully, she pulled him down off of the seat
and pushed my little nephew, who was probably six at the time.
"He will sing in Yiddish." Inside of me, I was very
resentful - not that she honored my little nephew, but that she couldn't
allow my child to shine for that moment. The next holiday, my
little boy and I went shopping. He loved fruit gels, and wanted
to get some for his grandma. I said, "Sure."
When we presented them to her that evening, he had been excited all
day about giving them to her. She threw them back at him and
said, "I don't eat candies. Don't ever buy them for me."
I could not forgive her hurting my child this way, and using the child
as a way to hurt us. I could go on and on with gripes and complaints
of what I suffered. My friends supported me. My husband
did not want to hear my complaints. Although I think he sympathized
to some degree, he was helpless. She continued to treat family
members as favorites, and others as non existent. Finally, at
a family dinner, I stood up to her. I was at a table of guests,
telling a story to my niece about my latest holiday, when she said
(loudly) that she was not interested in my story. I said, "You
might notice that I was not talking to you, but to my niece.
If you are not interested in my story, don't listen or comment about
it." I went home empowered, but empty. I had won
a victory, but unkindness was not valued by me, and she was bringing
it out in me. Her ungenerous behavior was making me behave like
her. I decided that each time she made a cruel comment from
then on, I would remove myself from her life for a while. I
told my husband that I intended to do this. If he wished to
visit her, I hoped that he would, and take the children to see her
too. My relationship became better. After all, we spend
time with friends, and positive relationships are important.
If someone acts continuously acidic and toxic, sometimes one has to
pull away quietly and respectfully. I remained respectful to
the day she died. I was sad that I couldn't share with her the
friendship of women, all because she saw in me that dreaded name,
Daughter-in-Law. When, really, what a MIL needs to see is "daughter",
because, if we could see each other as mother and daughter, how enriched
we could all be. This is my MIL's final lesson to me.
Signed - MIL's Final Lesson
To Me
RESPONSE: MIL's Final Lesson To Me
Posted: 22-DEC-01
You are a very wise woman! And, if I were you,
I would be running around singing "ding dong, the witch is dead" all
day long!
RESPONSE: MIL's Final Lesson To Me
Posted: 22-DEC-01
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not so much
that your MIL is gone, but that she deprived you of a real chance
to be friends with her while she was alive. Condolences to your
husband.
RESPONSE: MIL's Final Lesson To Me
Posted: 4-JAN-02
How sad for your MIL. But, your lesson is a valuable
one to all here. You didn't use your MIL's faults to justify
poor behavior in yourself. You kept your class, dignity, and
self-respect intact, regardless of her lack of those qualities.
And, you set a marvelous example for your children as well.
I'm sure you also earned a great deal of respect and admiration from
your husband. You should be proud of yourself. Your MIL
lost a chance to win a real friend. Ultimately, you have to
feel sad for her.
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Posted: 17-DEC-01
I am a victim of mother-in-law abuse. Yes, daughters-in-law
can be very abusive and can be the offenders. I tried for 3
years to win my future daughter-in-law's approval, but she was always
rude, insulting, and degrading to me. Also, her mother and sister
insulted me and called me vile names in the presence of my son and
other family members. My daughter-in-law is very jealous of
me (why, I don't know - all I ever wanted to do was welcome her as
a family member - but her goal was to alienate my son from me and
my family). She is very controlling and domineering over my
son, which makes me physically ill. I am at the end of my rope.
Signed - Stressed At The
End Of My Rope
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
If you truly believe her "goal" was to alienate
your son from you, then that is your first problem. YOU are
deciding that this was it from the beginning. So everything
she does or says is viewed as her doing something to meet that goal.
I have been married twice. Once I had a wonderful MIL.
She loved her son too. But if we bickered or she sensed tension,
she would tell my husband to relax. And, she would tell him
that he has a good thing, and not to blow it. My current husband's
mother (older I might say, and I think older mothers are even worse)
sees me as the enemy. Period. Whatever I do is wrong.
She is constantly throwing in her opinions (which is OK ONCE, but
don't keep telling me the same opinion if I already said, "Thanks,
but I prefer to do it this way," ESPECIALLY when it comes to
MY children!). She views me as stealing her little boy, and
even has the gall to criticize me in a manipulating way. She
has the nerve to act innocently when I confront her "hints".
She clips articles on saving and not spending and sends them to me.
I do not spend her money, and we live very comfortably, so why does
she care what I spend or how often? She slapped (tapped) my
son's hands (he is 1 year old) after telling him not to throw his
cup from his high chair (AND, she KNOWS my husband and I do not believe
in any form of physical discipline). I used to smoke, but I
quit ON MY OWN. For years she sent me articles (and she even,
once, sent a book for my birthday on how to stop smoking). I
pride myself on being a very good mother to her only grandchildren,
but I feel constantly undermined! She even left me a poem (out
of the 18th century) on what is a mother. It even mentions not
"sparing the rod". Give me a break. I cannot
win with this woman. And, whether she likes it or not, her son
is with me. And, long after she leaves this earth, he will stay
with me. So, WHY OH WHY do MILs not get it? Why can they
not treat their DILs like sweet, loving people. They really
are sweet, loving people. If MILs would only "view"
them that way. We tend to live up the expectations others see
in us - good or bad.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of
My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
So, what you are saying is that you NEVER did anything
wrong? I find this very hard to believe. I also find it
hard to believe that your DIL is jealous of you. Why would she
be jealous of you? It sounds as if you are jealous of her, and
of the role she has in your son's life. How did you welcome
her into your family? Most MILs expect their DILs to act, speak,
and hold many family traditions that are of the MIL's desire, rather
than what the DIL wants. I suggest that you elaborate on some
of your experiences. I also suggest that you sit down and tell
both your son and your DIL how you feel. And, try to work things
out. You may find that your DIL is not jealous of you, but perhaps
she doesn't like your meddling in her affairs or her business.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
You do realize you are speaking to a lot of DILs?
That said, I think that, before anyone can help you build a relationship
with your DIL, you're going to have to be more specific. You
may, also, have to take a look inside yourself and think, "Could
I be the problem?" Also, when your son married, his #1
responsibility was to God, then his wife, and then to the rest of
the family/friends. Guess where you fall? Yep, #3.
You'll fall even further when they start having kids. If you
are offering advice or help to your DIL, STOP! If she wants
this help, she'll ask. You'd be better off trying to treat her
as an intelligent adult that you would NEVER think of giving advice
to. To win points, you may even try to ask for some advice.
As to the nasty way DIL and family treat you, all I can say is that
you may or may not have done something to provoke the behavior.
Ask your DIL what you can do to mend the fences and build a bridge.
The responsibility belongs to you, not your son. While this
is going on, build new relationships with people outside your family.
This will give you the strength to find a way to love, not just put
up with your DIL and family. I hope this helps.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Stop trying to fight her for control of her husband.
Are you saying they were mean to you and called you vile names for
no reason whatsoever? I find that very hard to believe.
If you are sincere and you want to make things better for everybody,
my advice is to let him go, and keep your mouth shut. If you
are kind to them and make no demands upon them, surely they will want
to have a relationship with you. If you truly are being abused
for no reason, I feel for you and wish you luck. Either way,
you should let it go for your own sanity. You can't force a
relationship with anybody, not even your own children.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of
My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Would you like your son to divorce her? If the
answer is no, then back off. If she is domineering to your son,
then that is his problem, not yours. Don't try to win her approval.
You don't need hers and she doesn't need yours. Always try to
see if your actions are not only in favor of your son, but also his
marriage. Do refrain from any act that undermines his marriage.
There are only two people in a marriage - a husband and a wife.
When your actions start showing that you completely understand this
fact, then it will become easier for your DIL and you to have a civil
relationship. Your DIL will have no reason to be jealous of
you if she understands completely that she, and not you, is number
one in his life. If she and her family insult you, and your
son does not stop such abuse, it is his problem. A good man
does not let anyone get abused, whether it is his wife or his mother.
I wouldn't want to be too much involved in the life of a man who stands
by and does nothing. If he is like that, then you are lucky
that DIL has taken him off of your hands. A "BETTER WOMAN"
would not have married him, or would have dumped him right back in
your lap.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
I'm sure there's a much larger side to this story:
YOUR DIL'S. I find it hard to believe that you never did ONE
thing to so alienate your DIL.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
Are you so certain that she wanted to alienate the
family from your son? That's a strong statement. Where
is the proof? If what you say is true, I am sorry she is that
way! You shouldn't have to work so hard to win her approval.
I would love to have a MIL who actually gave a cr@p whether I lived
or died. Mine has proven over and over again that if she could
end my life herself, she would.
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
DILs tend to get abusive after taking years of abuse
from perfect MILs! My MIL turns the tables on me constantly,
telling everyone that I keep my kids from her. When, in reality,
she could not care less about seeing them, and ignores them.
My advice to you is to let your son grow up and live his own life.
And, be kind to his wife. If you are nasty to her, you will
lose him. That is what my MIL got!!!
RESPONSE: Stressed At The End Of My Rope
Posted: 4-JAN-02
You sound just like my MIL: The abuser acting
like the victim. I am always to blame, when it is really my
MIL spreading lies and doing anything she can to break up my DH and
myself. Take a good look at what is going on in your life before
you start accusing your DIL. Your complaint may be valid, though
I have seen too many sad, sorry MILs playing the poor victim,
Then, when no one is looking, they turn into bitter, nasty, hurtful
people to their DILs. Your son has made his choice. Do
your best to love your DIL for his sake. His happiness should
be your first concern.
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Worst gift: Posted: 22-DEC-01
I'm kind of new here. You guys are great!
My worst gift story is about my DH! Every Christmas I get pretty
good gifts! My SIL likes me, so she helps MIL pick stuff out
J. My POOR DH is another story.
Although he is her BABY, and she asks him EXACTLY what he wants, he
gets the most asinine things!!! He's 6'3" and weighs 160
lbs. (SKINNY!!!). They will buy him XXL t-shirts. He wears
a L. So, I wore those while I was Prego! EVERY year I
always end up in post-Christmas lines waiting and waiting to return
things. Last year, they bought him shirts that were too big
(again!), jeans that were too short, an ugly jacket - plus other stuff.
And, it's not just his mom. His aunt and grandma are completely
clueless too!!!!
Signed - It's Not Just
His Mom
( Respond
to this story ) ( I can top this )
RESPONSE: It's Not Just His Mom
Posted: 3-JAN-02
My answer to you is to let your DH take it back.
After standing in line one time, he will either set them straight,
or put in a closet, until you throw it out. In my case, I constantly
remember that I'm his wife, not his caretaker. Marriage is a
partnership in this day and age. Welcome to the year 2002.
Let him take care of himself. He did so before you came along.
Just trying to help. PS My MIL
is a pain in the @ss also.
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Posted: 06-DEC-01
This story is not really about my MIL, but ALL of my
in-laws!!! We had decided to get together for Thanksgiving.
I am a chef by profession, and they wanted me to cook the dinner (a
21 pound turkey and they were going to roast a pig in the ground).
Everyone decided to meet at my in-laws at 5:00pm. When my husband
and I arrived with tons of food - get ready for this - they had already
polished off 1/2 of the pig plus about 25 pounds of roasted veggies!!!
They were not hungry, and barely ate anything that I brought.
There were about 25 people there, and I stood on my feet and cooked
for 3 days!!! When I walked through the door and saw that those
sons-of-b!tches had eaten (and some of them were still stuffing their
guts when I was trying to set the food set up), I was about to explode!!
I was so angry and insulted that I couldn't even eat. My husband
told me that I would have to excuse them because they were not from
North America. I ripped into him. I told him it was only
common courtesy to wait for me, and they KNEW I was coming at 5pm
with tons of food. I told my husband that they screwed up big
time with me, and for them to never call me again for any kind of
cooking or dinner. Every time there is a special occasion, they
call me to prepare food. But I will never do it again.
Next time they call me, I'll just have to be too busy. They
can go get take-out.
Signed - They Can Go Get
Take-Out
RESPONSE: They Can Go Get Take-out
Posted: 21-DEC-01
Next time they ask, tell them that you don't know why
they are asking, as they didn't eat any of what you made last time.
Either that, or you can say, "Great, I have all the things I
made for Thanksgiving in the freezer. I will defrost it all,
and you can just heat it up."
RESPONSE: They Can Go Get Take-out
Posted: 21-DEC-01
A similar thing happened to me. I'm a photographer
and graphic designer, and I was asked to make a special card, for
BIL's 21st birthday, from all the family. They even described
the design they wanted. I spent a long time on it, and we paid
for the printing ourselves, without asking for a contribution.
On the day of the party, we arrived early (as arranged) so that everyone
would have a chance to sign it, to find that BIL had received cards
from the family the night before (on his actual birthday), and there
was nobody left to sign our card, which read "from all of us"!
I have refused to take photographs or design anything for them since.
That was nearly 20 years ago, and it was an expensive "mistake"
for them, as the money they must have spent on photographers for family
weddings, christenings, graduations etc., over the years must have
run into thousands! Stand by your guns. Let them make
their own food. In ten years time, they'll be regretting what
they did!
RESPONSE: They Can Go Get Take-out
Posted: 21-DEC-01
Good for you!!!!!!!!!!! Let them order take out
next time!!! I love it. I think you did the right thing
by putting your foot down. It doesn't matter where you are from.
Common courtesy is universal. It's sad that our DH's always
seem to have to make excuses for their family. Hang in there!!
RESPONSE: They Can Go Get Take-out
Posted: 3-JAN-02
GOOD FOR YOU! Now, you have the greatest excuse
of them all: A true reason. When they ask you to cook,
etc., you can say loud and clear that they hurt you so much on the
said occasion that you are not going to cook anything else because
it might develop 2 ways: One is that they will apologize (yeah,
right), and the other is that they will never bother you again.
Either way, you are saved.
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Posted: 29-NOV-01
First, I have to tell you that this web site is a godsend.
It is unfortunate to hear that so many other DILs have problems with
their MILS. But, I found so much comfort knowing that I am not
alone. I really need help. I know we all say we have the
MIL from HE!!, but let me tell you my stories and then you tell me!
My husband and I have been together for six years, but we just recently
married in August. This woman, from day one, has not liked me.
She has constantly put me down and been a control freak. One
time, she came to visit our home, and I saw her getting our mail while
she was outside. The next thing I saw wa | |
