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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 12/29/01
<--Previous Archive
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Posted: 09-DEC-01
I also I have similar story to "She Told Him He
Would Turn Out Like His Father". I am Caucasian, and my
FDH is Vietnamese. We've been dating for over six years, and
engaged for 6 months. We, FDH and I, had recently arranged for
our families to meet for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, FFIL was
unable to attend, because he himself is a waiter, and had to work.
He called us the day before to express his regrets, and he hoped to
be able to meet my family later. However, my FDH called his
mother to make driving arrangements, because we were all going out
to eat (whether she drove to the location or we picked her up).
The conversation became combative, and I only knew my FDH's responses.
He explained that she was already paid for, and that she would not
be meeting my dad, because my parents are divorced. She didn't
seem to understand this, and she had conveyed to my FDH that she wasn't
sure about coming. My FMIL was concerned that she would miss
potential sales, being that she sells life insurance. My FDH
assured her that NO ONE buys life insurance ON Thanksgiving.
She was also concerned that she would not like any of the food, because
we weren't going to a Vietnamese restaurant (even though my FDH knows
that his mother enjoys food other than Vietnamese food). However,
we had received the menu, and there were many choices, including Asians
dishes. Long story short, my FDH and I went to pick her and
her second son up (FDH's little brother). When we arrived, she
refused to come. I waited in the car, and cried after realizing
that my FMIL didn't really want to meet my mom, my sister, and her
husband. My FDH has conveyed to me, before, that my FMIL is
not happy with his choice in a bride, because I am not Vietnamese.
I find this hypocritical of her, because she, herself, is not married
to someone who is Vietnamese. In fact, her husband is Caucasian
too. For background information: When my FDH and I moved
in together, his mother called us every day. FMIL called every
day to ask if my FDH was going to move back home, live with her, and
mow her lawn. When my FDH was laid off, she wanted to know if
I was going to leave FDH. I am still here. FMIL used to
call once a week to complain that my FDH never did anything to ever
help her around the house, and neither does her husband. Every
time she calls, FMIL complains that she always has so little time
to do anything for herself. Yet, every time I've been to her
house, she shows me something new that she's bought for herself.
I am so hurt by my FMIL standing my family up. I told my FDH
that I don't care to talk to FMIL until she has written my family
an apology. Now, I'm worried that she won't even show up for
the wedding itself. My FDH says he won't let that happen, but
I can tell he's concerned too.
Signed - Stood Up for T-Day
RESPONSE: Stood Up for T-Day
Posted: 21-DEC-01
Why would you be concerned that she wouldn't show up
for your wedding? First of all, she doesn't like you.
Second, she doesn't like your family. And, third, she doesn't
seem to care much for her own son. Do you think she will make
her grandchildren feel good about themselves when they arrive?
Write her out of your lives, and good riddance.
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Posted: 20-NOV-01
I need advice quickly! My MIL is an educated
doctor who has pulled herself along in this life; a genuine survivor.
In short, so am I. I have been through a lot, and have had little
help from caring people. It has taken me a long time to learn
to love and be loved, but I have made great strides to be a good mother,
wife and person. In the beginning, when her son and I dated
for 4 years, things were fine. She accepted my faults, and just
knew that I was "a work in progress". She visited,
but overall she just let me be, and let me speak my mind - to a point.
I am a great person, but have some faults. Because we were so
close, she knew a lot about me, and how I tick. However, things
changed when I got pregnant and her son and I got married. She
called me up when I was five months pregnant and told me that I make
her uncomfortable, and that I don't want her around, etc. She
made assumptions that I would keep her grandchild away from her, and
even made racial remarks(she is white and I am black). She said
that I discuss race too often, and that everything does not have to
be black and white. She said that if my baby was light-skinned
(he is a beautiful baby by the way), I would hate it. She accused
me of self-sabotaging my relationship with my husband, when I tried
to explain that my so called attitude was just morning sickness and
marital problems, etc. Well, since then, I lost trust.
But, I made excuses for her, and internalized it a bit. I tried
to say thank you more, visit more, and even invited her to our baby's
birth. ENOUGH? NOT ENOUGH!! Now, our son is one,
and she accused me again. Now, it is a new set of problems that
I cause. And, according to her, it all stems from my "unloving"
childhood. She said that I was gossiping at a family function,
and that I was criticizing her and her daughter's parenting.
What is true, is that we did have a disagreement about the children.
But, regular family conversations got stretched, tossed, and retold.
This was her ammunition that she has needed. I know that my
own family is dysfunctional, but we deal with it at a distance.
I have forgiven, but I don't agree with the way my family treated
me. I can't go back, so I move on. I am showing my family
how much I disapprove of how they abused me, by treating my children
with love, respect, kindness, etc. I am a very proud parent,
and I believe in positive discipline and teaching self reliance.
I spent a lot of time in therapy and parenting classes because I had
such a bad example and that makes me proud. Well, this is the
second time now that my MIL has used my past to throw low blows.
She continually brings up my past, and criticizes my family.
I think she is jealous that I still have a relationship with them.
After this last time, she "ripped me apart". My husband
stepped in and told her that his childhood was not all peaches and
cream. She fell apart! She ripped us apart, took low blows,
and told my husband that she is done with his family. I don't
know if this is all over. I honestly don't think so, but what
I do know is that she knows so much. I had no idea she could
be so cruel. I just figured that, because she is educated, and
supposedly into the therapy thing (and likes talking things out),
she would not use my personal past to hurt me. I have such trust
issues already. Why would she cut me apart for something so
trivial and blown-up? She has crossed the line. What do
I do if she wants to come back into our lives knowing that she knows
so much about me, and is not afraid to use it to tell me what a horrible
and unloving person I am (and that I make her son the same way)?
Even though my husband stood up for us and took our side this time,
I am left feeling sick that one of the very few people I trusted would
hurt me in the name of some "hearsay".
Signed - Rumor Weed!
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 04-DEC-01
Well, if you and your family, meaning mother and father,
have dealt with your past in the way that works for you guys, your
MIL should have no say. That is not her life. It is so
weird that she did a 360, though. But, MILs are a certain way
until they find out you are marrying their "son babies".
Your MIL seems to be using your past and other personal things to
have power over you. I am glad that your husband stood up, though.
It does not make it any less hurtful for you, but your husband's support
is important and makes all the difference. Don't tell her sh!t
anymore. Just look at her like the fly on the wall over there.
You know overbearing MIL's don't stay away long.
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 04-DEC-01
Sit down with MIL and try to talk this out. I
almost get the feeling that there is something else bothering your
MIL, and she is taking it out on you. Sit down with her, in
a public place like a park, and tell her that you love her, you respect
all that she has done in her life, and you are very hurt by her recent
actions. You are her friend, and you'll do anything that is
reasonable. If that doesn't work, then tell her bye bye.
If she wants to maintain a relationship with her son, fine, but you
are no longer going to be around for her to kick.
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 05-DEC-01
I am so sorry that MIL did that. I think that
is one of the cruelest betrayals. IMHO, it doesn't matter what
you supposedly did, her actions and words were still wrong.
That is called dirty fighting. Hitting below the belt is a no-no,
and as an educated person - especially - she knows this. Talk
about having some issues with her past! Your MIL has learned
to fight fast and dirty, then to run. And to cause the most
amount of wounds in her "enemy" as fast as she can.
That is not the action of someone who trusts or loves normally.
You sound like a very caring lady. I think you and DH are going
to have to lay some ground rules with this MIL, though. I think
you and DH need to cut off all communication until she apologizes
for fighting dirty. I feel you both should tell her that any
further attempts to fight dirty will result in "time out"
(or however you want to word that you and DH and child will not see
or talk to her for whatever length of time you and DH decide on).
She needs to be told that comments made about your past and your family
are off-limits from now on. This is an issue between MIL, you,
and DH. Nothing else except the present is applicable.
Then, I would make sure you do not give her any more information -
nothing more about your family, past, feelings - nothing. Wait
and see if she can control herself before you trust her with any info
again. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 05-DEC-01
I could have written this story. I have been
in your situation. Perhaps mine is worse, because it is not
only MIL, but also DH who gained my trust, and that of other members
of my family, to get to know our family history, and then used it
to crush my self-esteem. I have yet to figure out what to do
with DH. But, since that is not the problem you are having,
let me focus on what you can do in dealing with your MIL. Since
your DH is able to look at the situation in an objective manner, examine
the situation with him, so that you can both clearly see that, no
matter what other virtues your MIL possesses, she has it in her to
try and kill another person's spirit. What she has tried to
do to you is deadly serious. The fact that you are able to have
a relationship with clearly defined boundaries with your parents,
which stays within levels that are comfortable to you, is threatening
to her, since she obviously is not a person who respects other people's
boundaries. Using your past to humiliate you is like blackmail.
Discuss with your husband the damage she has been able to cause to
you because of her ability to blackmail you. In my own life,
after more than ten years of marriage and raising two beautiful children,
despite all the odds, there are a few things I have learned.
1) Stay away from people like your MIL. There is nothing
you can do to get them to see the error of their ways. They
need long term psychotherapy, which you can't provide. 2)
Don't keep on reminding yourself of how bad your childhood was.
That is what she wants to do. Instead, focus on what wonderful
lessons your childhood has forced you to learn - the lessons people
like your MIL never did and never will learn. 3) In the
future, don't feel like you need to offer your past to anyone in order
to make them feel like a part of your life. There are people
who are able to share their life with others, and share other's lives
with unconditional positive regard for themselves as well as others.
In the future, discuss your past only with such people (if you look
back, you might see that you may have had red flags early on that
MIL was not one such person). For example: My own MIL
comes across as a sweet, loving mother figure. You just want
to put your head on her shoulders and cry your heart out. That
is exactly what I did, only to be told later on that I was not able
to see that her obsession with her son was real motherly love, because
I had never experienced real, motherly love. I know what real
motherly love is. I am raising happy, confident, independent
children. I am holding my breath for the day they won't need
me anymore to hold their fingers and run their lives. But, do
I need to explain this to her? No. She will never get
it. She does not want to get it. Someone obviously did
a lousy job of raising our MILs. They obviously were never raised
to be nurturing mothers, because nurturing mothers don't go around
clawing their loved ones where it hurts most. Feel sorry for
her, but don't feel guilty for staying the he!! away from her (if
not for your sake, then for the sake of your son). Grandmothers
are important in life, but some are too laced with poison, and you
just can't let your kids around such dangerous people. And remember,
you are special, and don't let anyone tell you any different.
Your son will be proud of you one day. When he is older, tell
him your life's story with extreme pride that can come only when you
have survived through he!!. You will see that pride reflected
back in his eyes. I have, and it feels good.
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 05-DEC-01
You can't trust her. And, as sad as it may seem,
you should never trust her again. Stop telling her things.
If she asks personal or searching questions, say, " I am not
comfortable discussing this with you." If she says, "Why
not?" Say, "I don't have to justify myself to you."
She is the grandma of your child, but she is not your friend.
You do not have to treat her as friend or family. Treat her
with cool politeness, as a visitor that you have to tolerate for the
sake of your DH. However, if she attacks you, do not accept
it. Good luck, and I admire you for caring so much about being
a great mother. Your DH and child are lucky to have you.
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 05-DEC-01
This woman is causing you grief! My opinion is
that you should stay far away from her. Why keep hurting from
her unkind remarks? It's called self survival. Women tend
to want to feel close to other women and don't like to feel disliked
at almost any cost! I've had the same problem. MILs really
don't get better after 15 years. We called a truce instead (sort
of). If she wants to see her grandchild, then she better shape
up. And, you need to be there with the child. It never
fails. These women talk badly about their DILs, then they see
that the sons don't like it (or catch wind). They find they
are the black sheep themselves. Take care!
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 09-DEC-01
You have come a long way!! Keep your head up,
and keep looking forward. Remember that "the past is the
past because it has passed." I have family/people that
I run into from time to time that HATE the fact that I've changed
for the better and am doing well. That's when they like to "remind"
me of where I came from, or what I used to be like. They even
like to throw some of the really bad things I've done in the past
in my face. I do one of three things when this happens:
(1) I'll say, "That was so long ago," and immediately
change the subject. (2) Ask, "What is your point?"
(3) Shake my head, keep a blank expression on my face and just
walk away with my head held high. Your MIL sounds like she's
jealous of you (and very ignorant to boot). Please remember
that SHE is the one with the problem. I would avoid her as much
as possible. If you do have to see her and she brings up something
that hurts you, show her your best poker face and ask her, "What
is your point?" If she continues to act stupidly, walk
away from her. I don't know how your DH feels, but I'd also
keep your child away from her, and explain to her that, until MIL
grows up, you don't want to subject your child to the disrespect also.
Good luck! PS. I wouldn't want your MIL for my doctor!!
She sounds very immature!
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 09-DEC-01
Hang in there. Remember, YOUR family comes first.
All the work you put into those parenting classes was not to please
anyone. It was to make you a better mama. Don't forget
to breathe. We are all here because we have MIL issues.
You can't say, "Just forget about it." That just isn't
realistic. Remember, a day without hearing from your MIL is
like a year's worth of sunshine! Enjoy your baby!
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 09-DEC-01
Honey, I hurt for you reading that post. One
thing came to my mind: If she likes therapy so much, I wonder
if you might like to see a therapist together? The reason I
say this is that I think he or she would help you tell YOUR side of
the story, which is every bit as legitimate as hers. I don't
think she's listening to you or respecting your side of things.
She's using her own past in therapy to try to dominate you somehow.
Maybe I'm not saying that right. I would be very depressed if
my MIL treated me that way. You do sound like a good person.
You sound like you don't have a mean bone in your body, and I think
she's lucky to have you as a DIL (my MIL is less lucky because I carry
a lot of resentment for rather small things - I think I am kind of
mean!). Well, you have my heartfelt good wishes anyway.
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 09-DEC-01
The only thing I could suggest is try to enjoy your
time away from her for now. If she does come back into your
lives, try to take each issue as it arises. Worrying yourself
sick right now about what might happen will only hurt you. It
sounds to me that she's jealous. Why else would she be so mean
to you for such petty reasons? Best wishes to you.
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 21-DEC-01
I'm not the original poster, but I thought the responses
to this post were absolutely amazing - great, and so therapeutic.
They helped ME probably more than any actual therapy session ever
has! So many of them were great, true, wise, and helpful.
And, I especially want to thank the respondent with that insight about
people from your past wanting to drag you back into it, and remind
you of the bad when you've gone on and grown up (and things are so
much better now). I've had that experience too, and it has hurt
me deeply. Your suggestion of saying, "What's your point?"
is GREAT! I hope I never forget that. Because their point
is only that they're uncomfortable that you've "outperformed
their expectations of you" (according to Oprah Winfrey - that
was one of her shows that was a real revelation to me). I guess
people who are genuinely happy for your growth and success are rare,
amazing people. If there's anything I want to be in life, it's
someone who can be genuinely happy for the growth and success of others
- friends and family. Thank you for all your insights and help.
I guess we just have to, as one of the respondents said, stay away
from people who seem to have a powerful drive to make us feel small.
RESPONSE: Rumor Weed!
Posted: 21-DEC-01
Do you know why she's doing this? It's because
she thought she was special. She thought she'd worked hard and
gone through the nasty bits in her life, and had come out on top and
raised a nice family. She was a unique gem! There was
no one else like her! Her kids would never know anyone else
better than her! And, guess what? You showed that it can
be done. You used to be a thing of compassion. Another
daughter, maybe. She was really hep in accepting a woman, married
to her baby, who was of a different race and was obviously strong
and courageous. But, then, you went and had a kid. Maybe,
she realized she wasn't quite as multi-cultured as she thought she
was? Maybe, the fact that you're working past all your cr@p
has intimidated her, because maybe she HASN'T worked past all her
cr@p like she thinks she has. As for bringing up your past again,
that's to laugh. She's so grasping at straws - it makes her
look truly pathetic. Like anyone's family is the Brady Bunch,
for God's sake! I'm going to therapy right now, too. My
parents were never around - dad was an alcoholic, and they shamelessly
favored my sister. My MIL knows all this, and has referred to
how pitiful and cold my family is. I'd love to tell her, alcoholic,
unfair, and absent as they are, I prefer their company to my IL's
conservative brand of family any day, especially when it requires
our presence almost every week to listen to their "we're a happy,
well-adjusted family" routine. They think it's because
we're "close family", that we have to repair their house,
celebrate every holiday with them (which, irritatingly enough, my
absent family makes all too easy). This INCLUDES Mother's and
Father's Day. And, we actually perform cheerleading skits my
SIL has made up- with pompons - for people's birthdays (I wish it
was because she was on acid, but, sadly, she's stone-cold sober and
just BURSTING with happiness). I'll take my dysfunctional family
any day.
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Posted: 09-DEC-01
Here is a true story for you. I have a MIL who
invites her son (my husband) to her house at Christmas time.
She also invites his ex-wife, but not me. Two years ago at Halloween,
she left a message to her son, on my answering phone, that I had been
to their 2 family house where she lives and changed the locks.
She said that the neighbors saw me. Funny, I hadn't been to
her house in over a year, but I always say that what comes around
goes around. Son and husband always stood by his mommy, and
now I am divorcing him. For our wedding gift, she bought us
a $9.99 serving tray. I guess she didn't like me too much!!!!!!!!
Signed - Thank God Out
of MIL's Vindictive life!!!!!!!!
RESPONSE: Thank God Out of MIL's Vindictive life!!!!!!!!
Posted: 21-DEC-01
Way to go by filing for divorce! I am sorry,
however, that your soon-to-be ex-hubby didn't stand up to his mommy
on your behalf!
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Posted: 06-DEC-01
I had my second child in 1999. My MIL came to
the hospital, took one look at my son and said to me, "My, he
sure has short, stubby fingers like you do." ARRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Signed - Stubby Fingers
Like Me
RESPONSE: Stubby Fingers Like Me
Posted: 20-DEC-01
Maybe you could try responding with, "Why, that's
one of my features that your son loves most. Your son will be
pleased to know that his son has inherited that."
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Posted: 15-NOV-01
Out of all of my wedding planning, his mother has tried
to tell me exactly how to change everything after it has been ordered.
She goes behind my back calling the florists, caterers, and resort
in attempts to change what I've already done. When it came to
the rehearsal dinner, she tried to tell me that my grandparents (I
have 2 sets and one great grandma still) could not attend, even though
our wedding is in a secluded resort. And, she said that I should
stay out of it because the rehearsal was not for me and I was not
paying for it. Then, she bought her dress before my mother bought
hers, and IT'S WHITE! Then, she told my DF that she will be
bringing a picture that is 1 foot by 1 foot of her and her husband
for the reception room. And they will be bringing the easel
for it. When I confronted my fiancé about his mother,
she had already called him and said I was not respecting her and her
wishes for the wedding. Are you kidding me?
Signed - I Was Not Respecting
Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 26-NOV-01
Is your FDH standing by you, or his mommy? If
he's being a baby and letting his mommy run the show, dump him before
you walk down the aisle. If he's standing by you, when the two
of you have to be together with her, you need to confront her face-to-face.
Inform her that, since she isn't paying for the wedding, and it's
not HER wedding to begin with, she can butt out. You get to
oversee the guest lists for everything. And, if she tries cutting
your grandparents out of the one thing she is paying for, I'd cut
her out of the wedding completely. But, only if your fiancé
isn't a wuss. Otherwise, you are wasting your time.
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 26-NOV-01
So, what did FH say when you confronted him about his
mom? Here is a tip when you making arrangements for your wedding.
Make sure you tell the contractor that your MIL may be calling to
change the arrangements, and that you will not authorize or pay for
any changes. Oh yeah, who is paying for the wedding? You/your
parents or her. If she is paying for the wedding, then you may
need to let her have some control. If you or your parents are
paying, then go ahead and tell her that you are in control of the
wedding, and she can like it or leave it.
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 27-NOV-01
For fear my MIL would do same (or similar), here's
what we did: We hired, for about $150, a fairly good friend
to monitor the reception, announce father-daughter dance, photos,
etc., AND to make sure there were no in-law incidents. This
person, who could be a friend or whomever, could work in tandem with
another friend to be sure they got to the reception site and deal
with the 1x1 photo. One friend distracts the in-laws, another
friend puts easel and photo in trunk of car (too bad MIL can't go
there, too). For the dress, I would work through MIL's parent
or siblings to dissuade her from wearing white.
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 27-NOV-01
Invite your grandparents anyway. What is she
going to say once they are there? These manipulative MILs would
die before they looked bad in front of other people. The back-stabbing
always occurs behind closed doors.
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 27-NOV-01
Why should a picture of her and her husband be on display
at YOUR wedding?? I've been to TONS of weddings and have always
seen either the bridal portrait or a portrait of the bride and groom
on display, but NEVER a portrait of the in-laws!! That's crazy!
This is YOUR day, not hers! I think you should sit your DF down
and discuss that with him. And consult a wedding coordinator,
and let them tell him that a portrait of the groom's parents is not
appropriate. Maybe with an expert opinion to back him up, he'll
have an easier time standing up to her.
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 27-NOV-01
It sounds like she thinks she is getting married (wearing
white and having that huge picture??). I would suggest putting
another 1 ft by 1 ft picture of your parents and a 2 ft by 2 ft picture
of you and FDH in between the pictures of your parents. If there
is only a picture of FDH's parents, the guests will wonder where the
picture of the bride and groom is. This is extremely tacky of
her. And you should bring your grandparents and great grandmother
to the rehearsal dinner. I thought the dinner was for people
in the wedding party and certain family members. It's so weird
about weddings - they bring out the worst in people. Congratulations,
by the way!
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 27-NOV-01
That's how they are, especially if they're putting
money towards it. When DH and I were planning our marriage,
there was going to be 20 from my side and 150 from his side.
We eloped, with only the two of us there. From his side, only
his father (parents are divorced) gave us a gift (not that we were
looking for anything, because we had lived together for two years
and it really wasn't warranted). It was so worth it not to have
to go through the stuff you're going through. Trust me, your
relationship with her will only get worse if she cannot accept the
boundaries you put in place. Good luck.
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 27-NOV-01
Have you gotten married yet? Who the heck does
she think she is? It's YOUR wedding, for goodness sakes.
MY MIL attempted some of the same screwy stuff, so I refused to tell
her anything about the wedding. It made her very angry, but
it was my wedding. Do the same. As for the portrait, I
would burn it before I would put it up. What a wacko!
How selfish she is! This makes me want to scream. You
poor thing. I hate when people want to control your life!
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 28-NOV-01
I have a question: Who is paying for this wedding?
If your FMIL is paying for it, then yes, she does have a say so.
If you and your parents are paying for it, then she has NO say so
in the matter. Maybe you should purchase a wedding etiquette
book (I have one written by Emily Post's daughter). They are
helpful, and have all the answers to your questions. I would
also either give your FMIL a copy or let her read yours. There
is a section in mine that talks about the rehearsal dinner and it
states that all of the wedding party, their spouses or significant
others, family members, and out of town guests should be invited to
the rehearsal dinner. THAT INCLUDES YOUR GRANDPARENTS AND GREAT-GRANDMOTHER! If
she is paying for the rehearsal dinner, she has the upper hand on
what goes on. But it is tasteless to not invite your close relatives
(I know that won't be your fault!). She will look like a complete
fool!! As far as her going behind your back and calling all
the vendors, I would tell her to stop NOW! I would also call
the vendors and tell them not to take any orders but from you and/or
your parents (because that is who is paying them - if this is the
case). I would also tell the reception site manager that if
FMIL brings in this ridiculous picture of her and her husband, he/she
is to tell her that he/she was not given ANY instructions to place
that in the reception and they can't allow that. If she pitches
a fit, have someone escort her off the property. Who the he!!
does she think she is, and whose wedding is this? It is YOURS
and YOUR FDH, NOT HERS!!! Put your foot down now and tell your
FDH that you will not allow her to ruin the day that you worked so
hard to plan and pay for. I am also getting married. I
am the one whose FMIL pitched a fit at the nice restaurant (where
FMIL picked to have the rehearsal dinner) over a plate of lemons (See
"FMIL is a Redneck Horror" by June
Bride of Frequent Fry Her Page OR "Plate of Lemons"
in the message board). I know what you are going through, you
poor thing! I hope things get better and your FMIL is put in
her place. I can't believe she chose to wear white! Honey,
SHE will look like the idiot, not you. Just try to enjoy your
day and your new marriage with the man of your dreams. And ignore
the rude, tacky b!tch. That is what I am having to do in my
situation. What does your FDH say about all this? Come
over to the message board and we can all talk to you! Take care,
and keep us posted! Good luck, and congrats on your wedding.
It will be beautiful, don't worry! J.
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 28-NOV-01
Your MIL is planning on placing a huge picture of herself
on an easel at YOUR wedding? Well, I guess that's all right
to do when you are the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!! The woman is
a self-absorbed witch! Your FDH needs to step in here and reign
his mother in. She should be showing up to your wedding in beige,
with her mouth shut!!!! Tell FDH to step in, or you will.
Don't let her ruin your day!
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 28-NOV-01
Don't worry. Everyone will know she's a freak,
especially when she hangs her massive picture at your wedding.
Tell people in advance that she insisted on it so they don't think
it was you. If she did that in the UK, people would be crying
with laughter at how tacky she was. No bride would do that.
It could only be MIL horror. Take steps - phone everyone involved
in organization and make it clear to ignore your MIL. They'll
be used to it. Stay away from the rehearsal dinner. Tell
people that your MIL wanted this, and take your family to another
restaurant to enjoy yourselves. And, don't forget to laugh at
her. She's fooling nobody - nobody at ALL. Hold that thought,
and have a fantastic time at your wedding!
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 02-DEC-01
I'd call the wedding off! How can she control
that? Do you really want this kind of life?
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 11-DEC-01
One very sad fact that I have been learning on this
site is that, even when told "no" or ignored, some of these
MILs will do "something" at your wedding. I would
say that FMIL's behavior and statements so far are warning you that
no matter what you or DH say to her, she may do something anyway.
I had such future IN-LAWS. I had security at my wedding, my
family was ready to step in, alternate plans had been set up, and
the IN-LAWS had been warned. Isn't it awful that, on a day that
is so important to you and DH, you have to take such measures?
Where we live, we often have a Master and Mistress of Ceremonies.
They coordinate things, keep things running smoothly, chat with folks,
and (in our case at least) run interference for the Bride and Groom.
I picked tough ones. My FMIL wore an ugly blue suit, not what
she had said she'd wear. My Mistress of Ceremonies brought FMIL
her corsage. I then pinned it on her. FMIL commented that
the corsage didn't match her suit. M of C nicely said, "Well,
we were told you were wearing pink and no one warned us to change
it. It will have to do." I didn't have to deal with
her. It was MIL's problem that the suit looked bad and the corsage
didn't match. I know she has nicer clothes. If she was
trying to upset me, it didn't work. My DH's 2 sisters wore jeans
and blouses that showed their stomachs - these ladies were in their
40's - so they knew better. And one brought some drunk we didn't
know as her date. They had been told the wedding party would
be wearing tuxes and formal dresses, and that pictures of the family
would be taken. I decided that they were not going to be in
my pictures when I was told what they were wearing. I figure
they may have gotten away with dressing like that, but I didn't have
to let them in my pictures. You, DH, or one of your family could
warn MIL ahead of time that only one person in the wedding photos
will be wearing white. So, if MIL wants to be included, she
needs to pick another color. And then hold her to it.
When it was time for pictures after our wedding ceremony, the Mistress
of Ceremony ushered the SILs out of the church right along with other
guests, telling them there had been a change of plans. We had
suspected they might do something like that, so we were ready.
They didn't even get to stay and fawn all over their brother (my DH)
like they do - it's sickening. While I was getting ready for
my wedding, I was in a large room with friends and relatives - and
it was fun. FMIL came in like a thundercloud. She was
critical of everything. The Mistress of Ceremonies came and
got her after a few minutes, ushering her out of the room nicely,
but firmly. At the reception, the Master of Ceremonies quietly
informed the one SIL that if she was having trouble controlling her
drunken boyfriend, he would be glad to escort the boyfriend out for
her. My MIL's biggest complaint after our wedding and reception
was that she could never get near the Bride and Groom. LOL!
That was the plan. The Master and Mistress of Ceremonies were
fabulous in our case and I was so glad I used them. In your
case, you may tell FMIL no to that picture, but be ready if it shows
up. You oughta read Bemused Bride over on the message board
and what her MIL did even when she had been told "no".
So since you might think your MIL may produce that picture and easel
anyway, you need a plan. Where I live, it has become a bit of
a custom to show pictures of the Bride and Groom (as they looked growing
up - and until the time they got engaged). These are often mounted
on easels side by side. I liked the idea one lady had that you
surround your MIL's picture with pictures YOU want so she doesn't
get the attention she wanted. Or you could have your M of C,
if you have one, or a friend, cause her picture to have an "accident".
I would remember that you have basically been warned how MIL will
act, and be ready. Good luck!
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 11-DEC-01
My MIL ruined my wedding day! I was paying for
it since I was 33 and DH was 36 - it was a first marriage for both
of us. He paid for the stuff the groom pays for, and I paid
for the rest. Unbeknownst to either of us, MIL called and canceled
the bridesmaid bouquets and church altar flowers and sent the photographer
to her church (knowing we were being married at my church in another
town)! Of course, he arrived very late. Then, she insisted
he take pictures of her next to her son, and she actually asked to
borrow my bouquet and wedding hat! People were laughing and
shaking their heads, and her husband had to lead her off the church
altar so the wedding photos could be done. She had insisted
she was paying for our cake. But, then, she said we had to hire
her friend's daughter to do the cake and it was horrible - really
amateurish, with tacky plastic people and stairs and sheet cakes instead
of a wedding cake! She told me I was "too old" for
the traditional cake, and she told me I really should have chosen
a suit instead of the beautiful wedding dress I selected. My
mom's brother owned 5 bakeries, and had offered to do the cake at
cost. But, no, she threw a fit. So, my mom gave in to
please her! Then, when the bill came, my MIL refused to pay
anything on it, and my DH had to pay it, because I was furious with
her, and refused to take the bill when she handed it to me!
When we finally arrived at the reception hall next to my Catholic
church (with 350 people sitting in a hall that was not air conditioned),
we were so excited that they had waited to see us even though it was
100 degrees outside! They let out a cheer, which made her mad.
She talked loudly all through the toast to us, and told the photographer
to leave, because we didn't need reception photos! I called
him over as he was preparing to leave, and explained that I was paying
him, not her, and he was to ignore her. He thought she was MY
mother. I told him I'd have clobbered her if she'd been mine!
He finally had to tell her to "Get Lost" rather loudly.
People laughed! Later, he came over to me and said, "My
dear, you have my heartiest congrats and my deepest sympathy, for
that woman is evil!" We'd only been seated about 15 minutes
and the cake had just been cut when MIL went around the reception
hall and started tearing off the table cloths and telling everyone
to leave. Meanwhile, my FIL tried to sell the centerpieces (I
had paid them to make them so people could take them home as mementos).
The two of them had actually gone up to our friends and demanded them
back. Then, they tried to sell them to others at $20 each!
My sister almost fainted at the disaster they were making of my big
day, and my DH tried to stop them. But, it was like chasing
a wild fire. You'd stop them one moment, then hear about a new
thing. My hubby asked me at the end of the reception, "Do
you still love me?" And then he told me the last straw.
When he had called to check on the newlywed suite we were staying
in for that first night before we set out the next morning for an
oceanfront honeymoon destination, he was told that his credit card
reservation had been canceled by a phone call from a woman calling
the evening before the wedding saying that the wedding was called
off! The MIL from HE!! acted totally surprised. Then,
she suggested that her son come back and spend the night at his mother's
home and "stay in his old room". He'd left home at
17, but she kept his room like a shrine. But, she had turned
his younger brother's room into her sewing room! Then, she paused,
as if just thinking it up, and said that she just wouldn't feel right
with me sharing a bed with him there. It wasn't like we were
REALLY married, so I should go stay at the new apartment we had just
rented to come home to!!" We had not lived together, and
the new apartment didn't have the electric turned on yet! THANK
GOD He was not a mommy's boy, and he was furious with her! We
found a hotel room, and then had a fabulous honeymoon. We moved
several hours away from MIL after that! So that's what can happen.
Now, here's what you can do. Tell your MIL she either invites
all your family to the rehearsal, or you find a less expensive place
so the grandparents can come for the rehearsal dinner. And,
make sure they sit across from her so she has to stare at them all
evening! Shame on her! Change all your wedding plans just
a little, and keep it secret from EVERYONE. Alert the people
you hired that you have a really interfering MIL, so they are not
to change anything unless they hear it directly from you. Do
not tell your honeymoon plans to anyone! Ask your friends to
take the gifts back to your place, not out to MIL, or she'll open
them or make you do it at her house (voice of experience again).
And, as to that giant photo, why not place it in the men's restroom
area and prop it near the urinal with the attached quote underneath,
"Still going strong after all these years". It will
look like an amusing joke, and be in a place she can't enter in order
to fetch it. And, I'd ask a trusted friend to make it disappear
into their car trunk later in the evening, because it sounds like
you may want to keep it for a future darts throwing target board.
Good Luck, and if you are smart, you will both move far enough away
so the calls are long distance, and it will be too far for "drop-in
company"!
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 11-DEC-01
I can not believe the posts that I am reading.
I could have written both of them. My MIL tried to plan my wedding
6 years ago, and she is bitter because we told her to back off.
Since when is it the groom's mother's responsibility to plan a wedding?
Am I missing something? Anyway, she looked me squarely in the
eye, and informed me that the average wedding costs $10,000, and your
father should have been saving his money! I am not kidding!
Over the 6 years that we have been married, his mother has constantly
criticized me. She can't understand why DH and I are very stressed
around her. We will not speak to her until she changes.
She is in dire need of therapy. And, if she does not change,
she will be excluded from our lives. She says she will go.
We believe she is an unhappy person who has some insecurities in her
own marriage. Why does she need to wreck ours? She was
told by my DH, after 6 years of not standing up for himself, "I
don't appreciate the things that you said about my wife, and you are
forcing me to choose! I choose my wife!" I ached
for my DH, because I knew this was hard for him, yet it was one of
the most beautiful things I'd ever heard - "I'm choosing my wife!".
He had never really stood up to her until last week. I knew,
in that instant, how much he really does love me, and our marriage
instantaneously grew stronger. My advice is to not let the cr@p
go on for several years before something is done. Encourage
your DF to lay down the rules right NOW, or you will be in MIL he!!!
That is no way to start a marriage! BTW, we are trying to start
a family!
RESPONSE: I Was Not Respecting Her Wishes For MY Wedding?
Posted: 20-DEC-01
This story is just TOO funny! I believe that
I would just let her put her big 'OLE picture of herself up so that
"All" of the family would know what your future life will
be like. I have never heard of the MIL's picture being displayed.
Let the whole town know what an "idiot" she is. When
your friends and family (as well as her friends and family) ask about
it, just say,"Why, it's her day. She's getting "ME"
in the family!" Be sure that they know that SHE insisted
that her picture be displayed at your wedding! Ha! Just
refer to it as your FINAL WARNING (draw some horns on it) so to speak.
Good Luck to you! It seems that you are really gonna need it.
P.S. Be sure that your grandparents are there.
|
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Posted: 23-OCT-01
I'm a soon-to-be MIL. I am not fat, crabby, or
old. I'm 45 and my 26 year old son is about to be married.
During all his adult life, I dreamed of loving his "DW"
(dear wife) as a daughter. They have been together for 4 years.
She ignores all our family birthdays, doesn't call on holidays, and
when she comes over she literally "sleeps" instead of visiting.
She has never invited me over to their home (they live together),
and never prepared a meal or even a snack for me. I go to their
place once a year for my son's birthday. And, even then I'm
asked to bring the cake. She spends lots of time with her "smother",
but only visits occasionally. I gave her a beautiful bridal
shower, paid for half the wedding, and bought a beautiful wedding
gift. She is undermined by her "smother" who doesn't
want to share her with me or my son. And I'm supposed to be
happy? I'm trying. I'll be patient and keep thinking positively.
I WANT to love her. What can I do??
Signed - Sad On Top of
Being Scared
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
Ohhh, shame on that girl, for she knows not what she
does. I am 27, going to be married soon also, and I wish that
I had a future mother-in-law that wanted a relationship with me.
I have all but given up on this woman. Maybe that would help
- to give up. Sad and scared.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
If only we could hear her side of the story.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
As a new MIL, I'm not sure you have realistic expectations
of your soon-to-be DIL's behavior. You say she ignores family
birthdays? Perhaps your son has not told her when these birthdays
are. I've been with my DH for three years, and don't know his
family's birthdays. I also don't think it's up to her to call
you on holidays, or prepare meals for you. Yes, it would be
nice if they had you over for dinner on occasion, but it's not an
obligation. As for your son's birthday, perhaps he prefers the
cakes you bake. I'm not clear if you live near them, but it
seems that perhaps it's time to make peace with who your daughter-in-law
is, not who you want her to be.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
YOU'RE PUTTING TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOURSELF!
Don't expect to think of her as a daughter. Don't put the burden
on her of winning your love. You don't have to be wildly loving.
Don't think this wedding is supposed to make you happy. Just
simply try, in a very simple, basic way to be as decent to her as
you'd be to any other human being. Just go for being DECENT
- be fair, and treat her decently. That's good enough!
Don't force anything. Maybe you'll become good friends, maybe
you won't. But decent is good enough for most people!
Be considerate, thoughtful, and respectful. Don't make huge
emotional demands, and don't hurt her feelings. It sounds like
you're off to a bad start, but sometimes even awful relationships
can be transformed. Best wishes.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
It's just a difficult relationship. Your relationship
sounds absolutely normal for a MIL and DIL, unfortunately. I'm
afraid you picked a rather hostile place to post your story.
Do you have a counselor you could talk with? That might be more
helpful to you. I'm afraid your post stirs up a lot of hostility
(in me, anyway) because we are exactly on the other side. We
feel just as badly as you do, from your DIL's perspective. We're
sad and ANNOYED at attitudes and behavior like yours - the refusal
to accept and respect us for who we are, the whiny resentment and
demands. Even if you don't say it, she can tell. All I
can say is that you're just normal. I think it takes a very
special person to be a good MIL. And, it's awfully hard to undo
previous damage. I'm sure my MIL thinks she's just wonderful
(kind of like you do?), but she has been outrageously intrusive and
annoying. She has improved a lot, but it's hard to forgive and
forget. If you don't change your attitude in a MAJOR way, and
SOON, your DIL will never trust you. You clearly don't appreciate
anything about her, and you can be sure she is aware of this.
How do you expect her to respond?
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
I can see that you're sad, but why are you scared?
It's not like she's threatening you, or is hostile toward you.
She's probably sad too that she has to deal with you. She SOUNDS
sad and depressed. You have a better DIL than MY MIL does.
I can't bear to invite her over on my husband's birthday. It's
too awful having her around with her gushing, dominating ways.
Your DIL is at least kind enough to do that.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
"SMOTHER"? You have a really bad attitude.
How can your DIL possibly like and trust you? A mature, decent
person would not refer to her mother (who is obviously dear to her)
as "smother". It sounds like she is pretty tolerant
of a rather difficult MIL. You said absolutely nothing that
makes me think she's difficult or unkind. But, the more I think
about your post, the more I see that YOU are critical, exacting, whiny,
and have a bad attitude. BEWARE OTHER DILs who look at this
site - THIS IS HOW YOU CAN TURN OUT IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL!!
An example of how NOT to behave as a MIL.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
I am so glad that you posted here rather than letting
this keep growing. I am a DIL of a MIL from He!!. But,
I am also a step-MIL as of 5 years ago. I was absolutely determined
NOT to make the same mistakes my MIL makes. I think you are
headed into the MIL territory that gets complained about here.
Back up. I am not crazy about my DIL, but I don't think she
knows this. After all, even friends can have little things about
them that you don't care for. And, I am sure I unintentionally
bug her. I just keep in mind that my stepson loves her.
He is happy, and she has many great qualities (and 2 daughters whom
I love). I truly do admire DIL - she is strong, smart, takes
care of herself, and she loves and manages to put up with my son!
LOL! You see, I made sure to see these qualities. I concentrate
ONLY on those qualities. My SS showed up one day, about 2 years
into his marriage, to complain to me and DH about DIL. I was
horrified. He said he was thinking of divorce, and needed to
see what we thought. No he didn't!!! This wasn't about
us, and we let him know that we were not giving any opinions.
And, we felt he should talk to his wife, or go to see a counselor,
(but he should not be talking to us!!). He was complaining about
the things she does that drives him crazy (and they are the same things
that bother me), but you can bet your bottom dollar that I didn't
tell him that! I just listened, interrupted to offer refreshments
(hoping he would get distracted), told him he should go home and talk
to his wife (not his parents), etc. I told DH, "DIL will
be VERY upset if she finds out her DH complained to us about her.
Trust me on this! I would be. Do not encourage this."
What I am trying to say is: Do NOT complain to your son.
Even if he agrees with you, it will hurt your DIL if she ever finds
out. Our son went back to his wife and patched things up.
What would have happened if we had stepped in and complained about
her too?? Please, stop referring to her mother as "Smother".
I feel that when you verbally express emotions, you make them more
concrete, and harder to conceal. So, stop thinking of her mother
as "Smother", and don't verbalize it. You are asking
for a rift that will never heal if your DIL figures out that you are
thinking that way. Just dump the emotional expectations.
So you dreamed of a DIL you could love like a daughter. Great
dream. Reality is that emotions don't always flow logically.
I have known my MIL for 11 years, and I don't love her like a mother,
and she doesn't love me like a daughter. I love my stepmother
of 23 years, but not like a mother. If love followed our dreams,
we would fall in love and marry the nice quiet boy who made the good
grades and spent the weekends studying. But, love will find
it's own way, and sometimes not in the direction we dreamed.
I adore my DH, but he is not the man I dreamed I would fall for.
BUT, it is a good marriage. You are chancing losing a DIL who
makes your son happy. You are chancing even losing your son
- all because your DIL is not the DIL of your dreams. Let go,
and see the young lady in front of you. Learn to like and love
HER, not sit and mourn the loss of some dream. Dump the negatives
about how your DIL doesn't do this or that. For one thing, that
is your son's house too. It isn't just her job to invite you
over or offer refreshments when you visit. Why isn't your son
being a "proper host"? Why is this your DIL's fault?
My DIL never offers refreshments, either. But then, neither
did our son when he lived alone. Oh, well. We bring refreshments
to share. Our son loves when I bake - he has said, "DW
doesn't bake." I make sure to point out the obvious - DW
works full-time, plus has 2 kids. I, on the other hand, am a
stay at home mom of just one. I always ask my DIL ahead of time
if it is OK to bring a cake or pie when we visit. And, we call
once a month to see if we can visit because we don't get invited either.
They say we should know we are welcome, but I don't like to drop in.
Why CAN'T you make your son's birthday cake? Maybe your DIL
hates to bake, maybe you are better at it, or maybe she is complimenting
your cakes by asking you to bring one. Or, think about this
- maybe she is trying to make you feel needed on your son's birthday.
It is all in how you perceive it. If you see it in a negative
light, you are going to be unhappy. Put a nice spin on it -
if you know you are going to be asked to make your son's birthday
cake, make it the prettiest gosh-darned cake you can. Be grateful
your DIL included you that way, rather than being resentful that she
didn't behave how you expected. You complained about your DIL
never remembering birthdays and not calling on holidays? Well,
I will tell you what I say to my MIL, "I take care of my family.
DH handles his. Talk to him if you are upset about these things."
Sorry, but your family did not suddenly become your DIL's responsibility.
Your son is not off the hook just because he is the man in this marriage.
We celebrate both my parent's birthdays, buy them gifts, call my siblings
- because I handle it. My MIL's birthday was at the end of July.
I remembered it during the first week of August, and asked DH if he
had remembered. "Yeah", he said, as he walked into
the other room. That was it. He knows he could've just
picked up the phone and had flowers sent to her, but he didn't do
it. You haven't said that your son has some physical reason
he can't dial a phone number or go shopping. So, why is it your
DIL's responsibility? As for DIL sleeping while visiting, maybe
she's tired. Maybe the visit is boring. LOL! Maybe
you could meet for lunch at a restaurant for an hour. Maybe
you could find out if there is anything they would like to do when
you get together. Try to find solutions instead of faults.
Good luck.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
Do you think your DIL perceives you as overbearing?
Did she WANT you to throw her a bridal shower? I don't think
that calling people at holidays and on their birthdays, or fixing
them food determines whether or not somebody is a good person or not.
Maybe she's shy.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
I don't know your DIL, and I hate to say this, but
you sound jealous of your DIL's mother. You may not realize
it, but many DILs resent it when their MIL's expect a mother-daughter
relationship. We already have our own mother. We don't
need another mother, no matter how great a relationship you have.
You will always be the MIL. I know that, before I was engaged,
my MIL was very distant, and did/said many things that I found hurtful
and mean spirited. Suddenly, after our engagement, she wanted
us to be best friends and went on and on about how I was going to
be the daughter she never had. Her sudden change of heart just
made me feel sick to my stomach that she was so two faced. Now,
she is disappointed that I am not close to her, and she STILL doesn't
get it. Try not to "smother" your DIL so much.
When, and if she is ready, she will open up to you. It sounds
like she is at least civil to you, and does not go out of her way
to make you feel badly. Maybe this is what she envisioned as
a MIL-DIL relationship. We all have different expectations.
As for the birthdays, my own DH doesn't remember HIS family's birthdays.
*I* end up being the one who has to remind him about upcoming birthdays,
etc. So, before you go accusing your DIL of not remembering
your birthdays, maybe you should place some of the blame on your own
son for not remembering HIS own family's birthdays. As for inviting
you over for a meal and to their house, maybe your DIL is afraid that
you will criticize her cooking/cleaning skills. My MIL came
over to our apartment once, and I was VERY nervous. We took
them out to almost every meal, because I was afraid that she would
criticize my cooking. We bought a house almost a year ago.
And, although we have invited my MIL and FIL to visit, I am dreading
it, because my MIL is very critical, and I just don't feel like hearing
her complain about the way I decorate, clean, cook, etc. Just
give your DIL some space. Right now she probably feels smothered
by your over-eagerness. Take baby steps towards your friendship
so she does not feel intimidated.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
It sounds as if you have quite a few expectations that
you want your DIL to fulfill. Is it possible that you are disappointed
because she hasn't met the qualifications for your MIL-DIL fantasy?
Love is something you choose to do, in marriage or any other relationship.
Why don't you choose to love your DIL for who she is, rather than
what you want her to be? Have you asked her if there are any
reasons why she doesn't want to be around you? Chances are,
there is a reason why you aren't invited to their house. If
there are reasons, listen and don't be defensive. On the other
hand, she may not even know that she is slighting you. It also
sounds as if you should take a look at how you view her mother.
You sound jealous and angry. Do you feel rejected because she
is closer to her mother? Give it time. You can't expect
that she will love you like she loves her mother. That kind
of relationship takes YEARS to develop. You do sound crabby
because you call her "smother". Also, what does your
paying for half of the wedding have to do with this problem?
Do you expect something in return for a good deed that you did?
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
I think you might be surprised to hear how self-centered
you sound. The young couple has a lot of things to think about,
other than you. This sounds harsh, and I'm sorry about that.
You sound like MY MIL, who was used to being the center of attention
in her little family (just her DH and my husband) until I came along.
Her son loved me and wanted to marry me, even though I probably wouldn't
have been the person she would have chosen for him. I've felt
really sad about that. I'm a very flawed person with a bad past
and very hard childhood, but her son was deeply in love with me.
Maybe I didn't deserve it, but life is like that. Some things,
like my DH's love, are just inexplicable gifts. But, my MIL
had a hard time realizing everything wasn't all about HER and her
feelings. She's not a bad person. She's probably a lot
like you - attractive and sociable. But, when my father was
dying of cancer, she was throwing fits because HER needs weren't being
met. Her need to be entertained, etc. She also would cry
hysterically about my father, expecting US to comfort HER, which just
seemed unforgivable. I think you will learn, probably the sad,
hard way, that if you don't meet your own needs, your son and DIL
will not pick up the slack. They have a LOT of other things
to think about other than how to make you happy, and entertain and
please you (even though they surely wish you well). A question
for you: When you complain about your DIL "sleeping"
instead of visiting, do you have a double standard for her and your
son? When we would go to visit my MIL, she would gush over my
DH and tell him how TIRED he was, and how he should go and rest and
"veg. out" in front of the TV. But she was clearly
pouty and angry when I rested with him (maybe I was tired too at the
end of the day - not to mention the stress of being around my MIL!
She always acted like he was the guest of honor, like HE was the company,
not me! It was so awful and uncomfortable. I eventually
just stopped going to visit them. Now, although we just live
10 minutes away, I only see them about six times a year. And
I see my own mother, who is my dear friend and who loves me just the
way I am, every day.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
Well, it sounds like your FDIL has the problem.
Kindness and patience is the best thing. I know I dreaded having
my MIL over because I was worried that my house wouldn't be clean
enough, or that I was not a good enough cook, or not a good hostess.
This was not because of any thing she did, mind you, but because of
insecurities of my own. Maybe your FDIL feels the same way.
We invited her over anyway, and, of course, I always screwed up something
in the dinner. But, that didn't stop me. My MIL was very
critical of me. Maybe your FDIL feels the same way. Anyway,
time, patience and kindness are the best answer.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
From what I have been reading, and bear in mind I am
not talking about some of the real "horror stories" here,
a common problem with IL relationships is expectations. I think
that, in a lot of cases, each "side" (MIL, DIL, etc.,) comes
into the situation with different ideas, and can be upset when these
don't work out. You said in your post that all your life you
have dreamed of loving your DIL like a daughter. This is obviously
important to you, and I am trying to help. But, has it occurred
to you that part of what you are feeling is down to the fact that
she is still distant? One of the most important lessons I learned
when getting to know my future ILs was that you often see a very different
side to your partner than his/her parents do, and vice versa.
Therefore, it's important, when getting to know your ILs, that you
have no preconceived ideas of what it will be like. I think
that forming a good relationship with a close relative's partner is
harder than it seems. My advice would be to try and let go of
the high expectations you have of this relationship, and simply look
at what's there. You may wish to approach your future DIL, not
to say that you want to be best friends with her, but simply to say
that you would like her to visit, etc. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
Hmmmm. I think the problems here are thinking
that you are supposed to be "happy," and that you have to
"love" her. Maybe it would be easier for you not to
worry about being happy (I think happiness is kind of an elusive gift
- how many of us are lucky enough to be happy a lot of the time?).
And love can't be forced. Maybe you'd be more comfortable if
you just focused on doing what makes you feel contentment and self-respect.
Your DIL can't make you happy, and please don't blame her if you aren't
happy - it's not her fault. Just like it's not your fault if
she's not happy. As for love, maybe don't worry about trying
to love her. Could you just try to be kind to her? That's
something you have control over, even though love may be something
you can't control. She probably doesn't require that you love
her. But, kindness and support are always welcome, and can be
given regardless of love. She might love YOU if you treat her
THAT way! MILs can be kind of demanding, so if you're "all
over" your DIL with expectations and demands, she might feel
like YOU'RE the "smother," not her mom (who sounds like
she and your DIL are good friends).
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
You are brave to write to this site, and it's clear
that you're not a bad person. Some of us will sincerely try
to help, although I'm sure you'll get some hard knocks. You
sound like my own MIL. And I sound like your DIL, so I'll try
to give some insights. I think, if I were about to become a
MIL, I'd read Dr. Joyce Brothers' book about how to be a good MIL.
Also, I'd read whatever articles I could find, etc. There are
some cultures where the MIL has all the rights, and the DIL has no
rights. But this culture, I'm afraid, is the opposite.
The DIL is not expected to try to mold herself into the person who
would most please her MIL. It's the MIL's job to adjust to the
new relationship. The problems I've had in my relationship with
my MIL are similar to the ones you described. From my point
of view, she is so focused on her OWN feelings - what WE ought to
be doing to make HER happy. But, the more I tried to invite
her over, appease her, make her happy (in short, be the ideal DIL),
the more she took me for granted, and the more inconsiderate she was.
I don't think she liked me one bit better for all that, and I don't
think you'd like your DIL any more if she tried to alter her behavior
just to please you. My MIL is not a bad person. She's
a friendly, outgoing, "warm" person, as I'm sure you are.
But I have a lot more peace, now that I no longer knock myself out
to try to please her. I would like, if I am ever to be a MIL,
to have this in mind: "A son is a son till he takes a wife."
Not to be bitter about it, but just to be ready to let go. I
raised him, now he's an independent person with his own life.
My job is over, and I need to find other things to fill my life.
It's time to bow out of that big controlling mom role, and to just
be a supportive friend in the background (with my own life and interests)
- NOT depending on the young couple to "make me happy."
When I first married my DH, I very much felt his mother expected us
(me) to "make her happy (to entertain her, give her a life).
It was just too heavy a burden. She needed to do that for herself.
I'm sure she probably has lots of complaints about not being invited
over, etc., but I like her so much better when I'm not bending over
backwards to please her at my own expense. Maybe your DIL is
shy and quiet and gentle. That doesn't make her a worse person
than someone who is socially slick. My SIL is really good socially,
but, although she'd invite you over and do everything you said you
wished your DIL would do, she would also gossip about you behind your
back to everyone, and complain and pick apart everything about you.
Nobody's perfect. Your DIL probably has some great qualities,
though, as I'm sure you do too. I think the best MILs are humble
people who don't have a lot of expectations. Their concern is
to support other people, and make them feel comfortable, not to advance
their own personalities and agenda. Or, if they do want to do
that, it has to be apart from the son and DIL, who will find that
overbearing and offensive. Your DIL is smart enough to know
she can't turn herself into an outgoing, social person to please you.
She'd rather spend time with people who love her the way she is -
UNDERSTANDABLY! It's nice of her to invite you for her son's
birthday (maybe she thinks you WANT to bring the cake, and is being
kind!). I've stopped inviting my MIL over for her son's birthday
(or for anything else) because, sincerely, I'm more comfortable seeing
very little of her. Your dissatisfaction and (perhaps unspoken)
demands are likely to,, likewise, push YOUR DIL even further away.
People can definitely sense those things. Is it nice for her
to be around you? I really doubt it. I'll bet she's INCREDIBLY
uncomfortable, because she senses your attitude. I'm sorry I'm
not more articulate, but maybe it helps to see the other side.
I hope other posters are helpful. Please don't mind the really
hateful one who will inevitably call you a psycho just because you're
a MIL! We'll all (or a lot of us) be MILs someday, and I sure
hope that doesn't automatically turn us into psychos!
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
How old is this girl? If she's really young,
then it may be that she is just used to turning to her mother.
You seem to be making a real effort to get to know this girl.
It may take time. Keep the door open. Maybe you could
offer to have lunch and go shopping with her once in awhile.
Invite your DS and his wife over for dinner once in awhile.
Just be there and allow them to live their lives. I'm sure your
DIL will realize how lucky she is to have you. In the meantime,
don't focus so much on your son's life right now. Go out and
do things with friends, and let things happen naturally. You
will probably get slammed for being on this board by a few, but I
think it was good of you to come here asking how to be a better MIL.
Good luck!!
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
I'm sorry, but it's just not ABOUT you. You are
the one who has to adjust (at least, in this culture). It's
not about your satisfaction with who your son chose as a mate.
It's about THEM - their relationship and their marriage. Your
son obviously sees qualities in her that you don't. Maybe she
"blossoms" around him, with his acceptance and appreciation.
I'm sorry, but it's not her job to please you. It's your job
to create your own happiness apart from them. If you want them
(her) to make you happy, you will be disappointed. I suspect
that, even if she tried, she still wouldn't suit you. It sounds
like she's just being sincere (not feigning affection that you haven't
inspired her to feel), but not being hateful and mean to you, either.
She doesn't sound so bad. The mistake you made was to develop
preconceived notions about who your son should marry. It's a
wild card. And future MILs need to be absolutely ready for that!
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
You can accept her the way she is. That's your
only hope. You don't like the way she behaves, and she knows
it. That only increases the distance between you. It's
not for you to decide what she "should" do. It's like
having a relationship with anyone else - it's a good relationship
if you love and accept them the way they are (like, hmm, I guess her
"smother" does). And, it is a strained, unhappy relationship
if you feel fretful and resentful about the way they are, and you
see all kinds of ways they "should" be. My MIL is
a friendly person, and we don't have the worst relationship.
But, what put the biggest gulf between us was her trying to run things
and determine how I "should" be. NOBODY is perfect.
Anyone can be critical of another person. But, do you ever like
to be around those people who are critical of you? Or do you
like to be around the ones who absolutely love, accept, and respect
you the way you are?
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 27-OCT-01
I am sorry you feel sad and scared. I only have
a few suggestions, based on what I have come to understand of my own
MIL. I don't know if they will help. Firstly, you mustn't
dream of this girl being your daughter. She can be your friend,
but she is not your daughter. Her relationship with her own
mother will always be different from her relationship with you, and
you have to accept that. After all, I assume you don't think
of her parents as having the same role in your son's life as you do!
For the same reason, NEVER criticize her mother, even behind her back.
This brings another point. Being that she is not your daughter,
she has been brought up differently and will be different than the
way your family is (and the ways that you might assume are normal).
I suggest you take an active interest in what those ways are (but
do not overbear her with questions, of course). For instance,
maybe she isn't making the cake because she doesn't know how, or because
her family didn't have birthday cakes, or because she knows you are
particular about desserts and might not like her idea of a cake.
So, next time, why not take the cake, but engage her in a discussion
about what the birthday traditions in her home were, or what sort
of cake she likes. This is just an example, of course, but it's
amazing how much families differ. She sounds very young, and
she might be terrified of you and your ways, through no fault of yours!
Finally, don't assume you can "buy" her off with gifts.
My sister's MIL threw her a surprise shower that she absolutely did
not want (they are considered inappropriate in our family for cultural
reasons), and it took years to mend that rift. I am not saying
that this is what happened to you, but it's an example of how what
you like is not necessarily what she likes. I would prefer a
tiny cheap thing (if my MIL has asked what I would like) to an expensive,
but useless (and in HER taste) thing. I have never used one
present she has given me, to be honest. Before buying the next
gift, why not try calling her and asking what she and your son need
for their house (or just for her)? Then, ask for some tips on
her taste. Finally, good luck. Maintain a good relationship
with your son, but don't push her too hard. Hopefully, she will
grow up, and you'll learn to understand her better!
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 30-OCT-01
Dear MIL to be: The best thing you can do is
to leave her alone. If she has problems with her mother, she
needs to sort them out. You cannot do anything. If you
said or did anything, you would be called the MIL from He!!.
Just sit back and enjoy your life, and don't worry about your DIL
to be. If your son has problems with his FDW's relationship
with her "smother", let him handle it. He is an adult.
You seem like a nice MIL - I wish mine was like that! Good Luck!
Not-so-Darling Daughter-in-Law.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 30-OCT-01
You want a daughter, and you expect her to act like
a daughter, i.e., remember family birthdays, ring, etc. Perhaps,
like me, she wanted an adult friendship, as she already has a mother
and close family ties. I married DH, NOT his family. I
don't expect him to remember my family's birthdays any more than he
expects me to remember his family's birthdays. I have suggested
inviting my in-laws for dinner on a number of occasions, but my DH
always said no. I know they think I am stopping him. My
brother moved to another city where our intellectually handicapped
brother lives. He hasn't visited our brother for months, and
my mother was upset, and blamed my brother's new GF. I love
my mother dearly, and I was shocked to hear her act like my MIL.
I said to her, "WHY is it that mothers automatically blame the
GF or the DIL when their son doesn't do what they want?"
It's as if the minute they become involved with someone, they automatically
no longer have to be held accountable for their actions! It
is madness. My mum saw my point, and realized that it is my
brother's CHOICE to neglect our brother. It is him, not his
GF, that she should direct her anger at. If you want phone calls,
why aren't you complaining about your son not ringing you? Does
he remember family birthdays? Does he visit? If he doesn't,
be UPSET with him. Why do you assume that he is a puppet with
no will or mind of his own? Think about it. You are not
your DILs responsibility anymore than she is yours.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 30-OCT-01
I am not sure what to tell you, but, hopefully I can
make you feel a lot better. I am a soon to be bride in July.
My BF's mother is really nice, and caring too. Even though I
go over there all the time (almost every day to visit with her), she
stills tries harder and harder. I love her just like she was
my own mother, too. But, I'll tell you what, your DIL should
at least try and give you a chance, because you seem like a really
nice person. If I had a MIL like you, I would appreciate you
- not ignore you. There are not very many people out there like
you. You are appreciated for how hard you are trying.
I don't know. With a situation like, this I would say that you
should just give her time. But, they have been together for
a long time. But, maybe she will come around and realize how
much you really care for her. I wish you the best with this,
because you seem like a really nice person, and you should get your
chance to show her how you feel. Good luck, and I thank you
for sharing your story.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 30-OCT-01
You keep saying that SHE doesn't call, SHE doesn't
invite you to THEIR home, and SHE doesn't offer you goodies when you
do go there? Well, what about your son? Shouldn't HE call
you? Shouldn't HE invite you over? And shouldn't HE offer
you a drink when you are there? I'm a DIL, and I am sick of
being held responsible for all of the social duties surrounding my
husband's family. My husband was 31 when we married, and if
he wasn't making an effort before, it is wrong to assume I would change
that. Does your son call his MIL? Invite his MIL over,
etc.? I bet he doesn't, and I bet his wife does, since it's
her family. The point is - your son holds just as much responsibility
as his wife does regarding this. And, I'm not saying that it's
"proper" behavior for them, necessarily. Maybe you
should talk to your son about how he never calls, etc.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 30-OCT-01
I am about to be married in two weeks, and I wish MY
future MIL cared about our relationship. Your DIL sounds rude.
The women on here will inevitably turn it back on you, but you have
my sympathy. Why don't you invite her out to a nice lunch (no
"home turf advantage" at a restaurant) and explain your
concerns. Let her know that you don't want to change her, and
that you are glad that she is making your son so happy. Ask
her if you have done something to hurt or offend her. Tell her
what a wonderful person you think she is, and that you would love
to interact with her more. And, if that doesn't work, quietly
ask your son one day if she has mentioned anything to him. If
she still isn't willing, always be nice to her, but know it's her
fault and not yours. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 30-OCT-01
Don't expect a meal. Some DILs feel intimidated
about cooking for their MIL. Call them on holidays. One
day they will call you first. Give your son a list of family
birthdays (he is the one that should be calling). Don't try
to live your life through them. Be patient and give them space.
Enjoy, and Good luck.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 3-NOV-01
Yikes. The facts you are presenting sound similar
to my relationship with my MIL. The reasons for those things
may be something you aren't thinking of: We haven't had MIL
and FIL over for dinner because we don't have enough chairs (dining
or otherwise!) for people to safely sit on, or enough china.
I also feel uncomfortable, because MIL seems very choosy about her
food. She frequently complains when we eat at really expensive
restaurants - she pushes food around her plate and usually throws
away half of it. I would be very upset if I put energy into
making a meal for her and she disapproved of it. As someone
else said, maybe your son is fond of your cakes. Perhaps DIL
is afraid to "compete" with his childhood memories of your
cakes! Try to think of some of your experiences being a DIL.
Think of her as a person who is also bound to be very different from
you!
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 20-NOV-01
Giving up is not the answer. I am a DIL and have
two points. For one, maybe DIL genuinely does not know how to
say "thank you" or show appreciation. Teach her.
Show her that you appreciate her and give many thanks for what she
has done and how she has complimented your life. Second point:
Maybe, just maybe, your DIL is leery of your kindness. I am
a very untrusting person, and sometimes I take my MIL's kindness as
manipulating. Continue to show love. But, maybe just try
to "say it". Do things for the sheer act of love,
and do not want anything in return. Your DIL will respond and
notice. Maybe, maybe not! I hope so.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 04-DEC-01
Maybe you could invite "smother" out to lunch
to get to know her. If she is the key to the daughter, why not
make it a ladies day? The "smother" may be afraid
to lose her daughter, and may not want to compete. We all have
expectations of how we'd like mothers/daughters-in-law to act, but
if your son is happy, you should celebrate that. I wish I had
a MIL like you who is willing to be so accepting and loving.
RESPONSE: Sad On Top of Being Scared
Posted: 05-DEC-01
I am a DIL whose MIL is no longer a part of her life.
I was determined to love my MIL as a mother, and won't have anything
short of that. She did not need a daughter, she wanted her son
all to herself - nothing more and nothing less. I kept up trying,
like you are doing, and the end result is that I am totally turned
off of that relationship, because I gave too much and expected her
to become my mother in return. It does not work. My DH
told me that I would never have felt so betrayed by MIL if I had not
been determined to treat her like my mother. I am also a SIL
to a very nice SIL (married to my brother). Drawing from the
collective experiences of my SIL, myself, my grandma with her DIL,
etc., etc., this is what I have to suggest: FORGET ABOUT LOVING
YOUR DIL. You can't love somebody just because you want to.
They have to welcome you in their heart as you welcome them in yours.
For some people it can happen right from the start. For some
it takes time. For some it is impossible. Being civil
and pleasant as you are to other neighbors and friends is a more realistic
goal. If she wants to invite you over, she will. If she
does not, then let it be. She will do what she wants to do.
You have no control over it. The more you think about it, the
more you will feel hurt. Meanwhile, do what you want to do.
Take the cake for your son's birthday, not because she wants you to
bring it, but because it makes you happy. Do the things that
make you happy. Don't do anything you don't want to do.
Don't worry about what she expects,` and don't expect anything from
her. Your relationship with your son is not her domain.
Her relationship with your son is not your domain. Don't discuss
anything negative about her with your son. He will learn not
to get into discussions of that nature about you with her. Meanwhile,
do keep on doing things with her as you would with anyone you were
trying to get to know better. You will slowly find out why it
is that she finds safety in maintaining a distance from you.
Some of those things will have nothing to do with you. But,
at least they will help explain where she is coming from. Some
of the things may be easily remedied. Accept her as is, with
no strings attached. Always question your own motives in dealing
with her. And then, do what is best in your own judgment.
Her motives will automatically unfold for her and you to see.
A lot of responsibility also lies with your son. He will ultimately
have to figure out what it is that he wants. It's his house
too. He will have to figure out how he can treat his wife so
that she will want to include people he loves in their life.
My SIL and I are able to function as best friends. We never
try to become each other's sisters. We constantly remind ourselves
that our main goal is the same - to promote a harmonious relationship
where we can both coexist in our own place in my brother's life.
It takes a lot of work to stay constantly focused on each other's
good qualities, and to consciously shut our eyes to the inevitable
faults. But, over the last seven years, it has paid off.
Utmost respect for the place SIL has in my brother's life has allowed
me to retain the respect I deserve as a sister, SIL, and as an aunt
to their kids. There are no expectations, and no strings attached.
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