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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-law Stories
Archives 12/30/00
<--Previous Archive
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For my first Christmas
with my now ex-husband, my MIL gave my husband a nice work bench for
carpentry projects (nice), a basket of all of HIS favorite foods that
she made (mildly irritating, but nice), and for me, a 25 year old
rusted ice cream maker in a BRAND NEW ice cream maker box (not even
a little bit nice). She told me that she got it real cheap at
a yard sale and thought that I would like it since I liked homemade
ice cream. Needless to say, the thing sat up in my attic until
my husband and I divorced. My now ex-husband could not comprehend
that it was an intentionally evil gift, but he finally got the point.
These people are financially very well off!
12/22
signed - Rusted Ice Cream
Maker
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I have been married to
my husband now for 5 years, and have a 6 month old son. At first,
my MIL and I were friends before we were married. Once a week,
we would go to lunch or something, have coffee and talk. Then,
heaven forbid, her son and I were wed (alone in another state, not
even my family was there). Then, we offered to let her and my
2 SIL's live with us. The agreement was that they pay us $200
a month for living expenses, to help out with food and everything
else. There were 5 adults in the house trying to live together
in harmony. YEAH, RIGHT!! I have to say, they were/are
the most inconsiderate people I have ever met. They never picked
up after themselves, and left things lying around all over the place.
When I started working the graveyard shift, and they were home during
the day, they were not quiet. One year, we had Thanksgiving
at my house. They completely separated themselves from my family.
My family sat at the table, and they sat on the couch with their backs
to us. Then, one of my SIL's said, trying to be funny, "Look,
your family is there, and we are here." Needless to say,
my family took offense.
A year later, my SIL got pregnant. She was 18 and unwed, and
the father of the baby wanted nothing to do with her. Why should
this bother me, you ask? They still lived with us, and still
didn't pay anything, saying that they couldn't afford it. Well,
she ended up miscarrying the baby, and I was by her side during it.
Her mom (my MIL) and her sis (SIL) babied her and did whatever was
needed to be sure that she was happy. The next month, my mom
passed away. No one bothered to make sure I was okay.
I then found out, 2 weeks later, that I was pregnant. I told
my husband, and he said we shouldn't tell anyone yet. I had
to tell at least my MIL. I told her, and she thought I got pregnant
on purpose so as to rub it in my SIL's face. SO, she determined
that we tell everyone on her birthday. I did. And the
other SIL got mad at me thinking, also, that I did this on purpose,
and yelled at me that I was inconsiderate to her sis. Well,
a month later I miscarried. No one did anything to help me feel
better. I had to grieve alone, not only for the loss of my baby,
but also my mom a month prior.
It was time for them to move out, and they did, and I thought things
were going good. Then, at the end of the year, we got the news
that my SIL was pregnant again. I was upset to say the least.
I was married, and couldn't get pregnant again, and here she was,
pregnant again and still unwed. Everyone thought that I was
being a b*tch, and thought that I should be happy. When she
finally did marry, I was not invited to take part of any of the wedding
or reception (we were starting to get along). At the reception,
I felt so uncomfortable. I sat outside with some friends of
my husband and mine who knew no one at the reception either, other
than my in-laws. When our friends left, I was still standing
outside, so I could see them cut the cake. My MIL came outside
and asked me what the hell my problem was because I didn't come in.
I tried to explain that it was crowded and that our friends were outside
and I was keeping them company. That wasn't good enough.
So, I told my husband I was going outside, and he asked what happened.
I told him, and he expected me to go back inside. I was upset
and couldn't stop crying because I kept trying to be nice to them
all since they were his family, but it never worked. Some time
passed, and we all just faked getting along. There was always
so much tension. We ended buying a house, and when my MIL was
helping us move in she asked me a question, and when I responded with
my answer, she jumped down my throat and said I was putting words
into my husbands mouth. So, finally I started speaking up, and
told her to go ask him if she didn't believe me. Would you believe
that she really did? Now also, keep in mind that when we were
moving in I was 5 months pregnant. My SIL (with the baby) came
over to try and help, but just stood around. I started having
some complications and had to go to the Dr. more frequently.
As far as I know, unless the SIL with baby told her, my MIL doesn't
know about this. And if she did, she never called to see how
I was doing. After I had the baby, and up to now, I think my
MIL has come to my house to see my baby MAYBE 4 times. He is
almost 6 months old now. We were talking to another family member
saying that we didn't think that she liked our son. They said
no, just that with all the problems that I and my MIL had, she didn't
think I wanted her to hold my baby. She never holds him on her
own. Someone has to hand him to her for her to hold him.
Now, I thought that this was stupid, because no matter how much we
don't like each other, she is denying my son of a grandma since my
mom passed away. Let me explain also, that my SIL with the baby,
she was over to her house all the time and always holds him.
He is a year and a half and gets more attention from everyone than
if my in-laws see my son. It is so bad that my other SIL will
drive 45 minutes to see my nephew, but wont drive 15 minutes to see
my child.
And, for the most recent happening. One night we had them come
over for dinner. My son was in the living room with them in
the walker and my nephew likes throwing things. I walked in
just as he threw a hard plastic toy towards my son and barely missed
him. He went to throw something else and I said nicely not to
throw. My MIL yelled at me that he didn't hit my son.
I said back that I didn't say that he hit him, just don't throw.
She was still reeling and talking under her breath.
I know this long, but this is really just bits and pieces. There
have been more instances, but this tells you enough for now.
12/22
signed - Unhappy With Still
Reeling IL's
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A nice place to vent.
I notice that most of the stories are written from the perspective
of the daughter in law. I happen to be a son in law with a crazy
mo (MIL). Her whole family (my wife included) is spineless when
it comes to the mo. She was an only child, and always got/gets
what she wants. Since we've had children, they come up to visit
every other weekend. On the surface this appears to be great
(they take care of the kids, etc.). But be careful what you
ask for. My wife asks me if they can come, but I really don't
have a choice to say no. They lay around all weekend, and set
up living the way they want it at OUR house. These are BIG people
in a small house. And, as far as how much help they are to the
kids, the answer is little. It's basically watching us take
care of the kids. Now she is retired and they want to move into
town. At least it may get them off my couches. My nerves
are frayed, and it's hurting the relationship with my wife (she has
a typical response, "But, she's my mother."). I also
think it's hurting the family unit. We don't do much together
with just my wife and kids. The IL's are always there.
Thanks for letting me vent.
12/20
signed - Me. Plus
IL's, Who Are Always There
RESPONSE: Me plus ILs always there
It may take some work on your part, as you probably have your hands
full already with kids and work. But one good way to say no
to invasive IL's is to have other plans. I know it should not
be this way, but sometimes you need a reason to say no. So have
plans for the weekend. Getting out to do things just with your
wife and kids. As for your wife, ask her how she would feel
if it were your parents doing the same thing.
12/22
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Last year was the worst
Christmas I ever had. My wife and I live out of state, and my
in-laws had Christmas at their place. We had to travel 10 hours
to visit them for 2 days. We were engaged at the time.
When it came time to open gifts, they all exchanged, and I just sat
there and watched. I felt like a homeless person who was allowed
in from the cold to watch them have Christmas. We didn't even
get a card addressed to both of us! I was purposely excluded
from their family. When my wife confronted them, they said it
was because, "This was her last Christmas as part of their family."
We had even gotten them a $300 weekend getaway for Christmas, which
I used my Christmas bonus to pay for! This year they are coming
down, mil, fil, sil, and bil. I purposely did not get them anything
from me for the holiday. I hope that they feel like I don't
want them in our house for Christmas ... because I don't!
12/22
signed - Hate in-laws -
Don't Want Them In Our House
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This is one happened today.
My MIL has only just gotten her first cell phone and is always ringing
people because no one rings her, only because she hasn't told anyone
the number. Anyway, she and FIL and son have been to a funeral
today (FIL's aunty) in a small country town in New Zealand, when in
the middle of the service her cell phone rings. But not
just your normal run of the mill ringing tone, but "Jingle Bells". So,
this is the payback from your favorite SIL.
12/22
signed - Payback Jingled
All The Way
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My in-laws live 5 hours
from us. My parents, 8 hours. We've tried to have the
in-laws here for Christmas for years, but they refuse to come.
They spend every Christmas at their home with my SIL and her family.
Since she married a man of a different religion, they say that she
will not have a good Christmas unless she is at their home.
And, the SIL will not spend Christmas with us because we don't follow
the same traditions she insists must take place every Christmas.
We cannot easily pack up our three kids, their presents and the dog
to get to their home, and my husband cannot travel due to serious
back problems. My parents are coming for the New Year's Weekend
and plan to spend a week. Earlier this week we received a Christmas
card from the in-laws stating that they were coming on the 29th for
the weekend. I had to call them back to tell them that we already
had plans for those first two weekends of January. Now they
are all upset that they can't come visit closer to Christmas.
They asked my husband to tell my parents they had to leave sooner.
He, of course, said no. But they are still calling every few
days to find out if the plans have changed, or if we have given in.
We spent three weeks last year with the in-laws and only seven days
with my parents. What can I do?
12/21
signed - Still Calling
To See If Plans Changed
RESPONSE: still calling to see if plans changed
For GOD'S SAKE do not back down on this one. It will set a precedent,
and from then on your parents will always be expected (as will you)
to fit around their plans.
For the last 8 years we have had Christmas lunch with my in-laws because
they expected it, and demanded it because it was their tradition and
they were not prepared to be flexible in any way, shape or form.
My parents then always got to see us late in the day, stuffed with
food already, tired and stressed. Since our kids have been born,
it has also meant that, by the time they see their grandkids they
are asleep or really grumpy and in no mood for unwrapping presents
or playing.
We gave in to my in-laws because of the tactics they used. My
FIL, when my DH said he couldn't make his Mums birthday one year because
I was pregnant and he was arriving back from a long overseas business
trip that day, rang him repeatedly at work. He refused to take
no for an answer. On that occasion, my DH, actually to his credit,
did say no, but we have never heard the end of it.
This year, I am happy to say, I not only said, "No," but
we won't be visiting them 'til boxing day. We will spend Xmas
with my family. His family are in shock because they have always
gotten their own way on Xmas. We will be punished, I know, on
boxing day, but it will be worth it. Take my advice and don't
give in. It will only make them worse.
12/22
RESPONSE: still calling to see if plans were changed
Oh my goodness! Stick to your guns, and get caller ID.
If you give in now, Lord knows what they will pull next. Be
strong, and be firm. You're not doing anything wrong in running
your own lives. You're setting boundaries, and that's good.
Don't let them quilt you into letting them have their way. If
anything, what would you do if this was a squabble between your own
children. Wouldn't you keep it fair? Your in-law's are
not being fair, just selfish! Gimme, Gimme. Only, because
we never had time before, so it's our turn, and gosh, too bad if other
in-laws want to visit. They are not as important as we are.
This is childish behavior! Don't let them guilt you into giving
them what they want. Besides, it's their own fault for not asking
earlier, before plans were made. I know children who are better
behaved! Shame on them!!
12/22
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I have a SIL who likes
to budget the money that comes into my house. Let me explain
what I mean. I was fired in August while still on maternity
leave. Knowing I would never work there again, I insisted on
all monies paid into the retirement system for the last two years
be remitted to me. This amounted to about $1000. We had
bills, and also needed things. So, half went to back bills, and half
went to ourselves, and especially our son and daughter (toddler and
infant). Well, SIL came over unexpectedly (she NEVER does this)
and saw our brand new computer desk, our son's brand new toys, our
new dishes, our new end tables in our bedroom (why she did that, I
don't know) and all the smaller things we purchased as well.
After inspecting our computer desk, she asked what we paid, and like
idiots, we told her. She got all huffy and said, "You know,
guys, you have bills to pay. I don't know what you're thinking buying
things you can't afford!" I kept my mouth shut, praying
for my husband to speak up, which he did. He got in her face
and said, "If I can't afford something, I don't buy it.
We happened to have had extra money, needed a desk for a computer
and bought it." Then, she got all sweet, and said, "Well,
I was just trying to help." So, I said, "Well, next time
we need to make a major purchase, we'll consult you first to see if
we are allowed to do so, okay?" Needless to say, she hasn't
dropped by unexpectedly again!
12/21
signed - Our Money, Her
Business - NOT!
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My hubby and I have been
married for 10 years. At the beginning of our marriage we took
2 years to decide if we wanted a baby or not. This was a well
thought thru process, with our going over the pros and cons.
In the end we decided not to have any children. I have a daughter
from a previous marriage and didn't care one way or the other.
But my husband was dead set against children, so that was our ending
decision. My MIL is very sneaky, and has her son or daughter
do all of the dirty work for her, so as to keep her hands clean.
My SIL and BIL confronted us and asked us when we were going to have
a baby. I told them that it was personal and none of their business.
They continued prying. Seems that SIL can't have any more children
and BIL married a woman with her tubes tied, so we were the only ones
who could have children, and it was "our duty". We
continued to state that it's a personal decision, and one we have
made, and we will not be having children. Well, then the sh*t
hit the fan. After my hubby telling them several times it was
his idea, his sister moaned over and over "I don't believe that".
Then they attacked me: I'm too paranoid about getting fat, I
just want to punish their mother, etc. My husband then again
explained that it was his idea. They just wouldn't accept it.
From then on, every time, I mean every time, we were around them the
"baby thing" came up. Finally, we just quit explaining
and just said, "It's none of your business." I think
it comes from the situation that there are no male grandchildren to
carry on the name. Anyhow, several years later I snuck into
the hospital and had my tubes tied. So the next time this was
brought up I just stated, "This is a non-issue." When
asked what that meant I stated, "Well, I had my tubes tied and
my husband signed for it." Boy, was there a lot of quiet
after that. At least now there's no more questions about babies.
Although, I can just imagine what they say about it ruining all their
plans. Plus, the fact that after all the sh*tty things they've
done to me, if we would have had one, they never would have seen it
anyhow. But at least now it's quiet to our faces. I think
6 years of hearing it all the time was quite enough.
12/21
signed - Tubes (Finally)
Tied!
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I've been wanting to vent
about this one for 4 years. It was my first baby and their first
grandson. After an emergency c-section, I was ecstatic that
breastfeeding was going so well. With help I continued feeding,
and month after month went by. My success in this area made
up for the sleep deprivation and pain from the c-section. I
bonded with my son really well, the breastfeeding relationship meant
everything to me. It was this relationship, of course, that
threatened my in-laws, particularly my MIL. She complained that
she could not feed the baby. She said that my husband would
not be able to bond with our son unless he could feed the baby.
She didn't like how I refused to be parted from my son, and pushed
me to let her baby-sit and go out with my DH. She wouldn't accept
that I did not want to leave my son, and believed that it was important
to always keep him close. NO, she believed that breastfeeding
was tying me to him and was A PROBLEM. Breastfeeding was the
reason I was sleep deprived, and breastfeeding was preventing me from
getting much needed quality time with my DH. I had had 9 years!!!
of quality time with my DH, and both of us were savoring every second
spent with our precious baby, who would be at school in the blink
of an eye!
During a visit to her house, from our home in another city, she pressured
me to go upstairs to have a sleep. I needed sleep, but made
it very clear to her that when my son woke and started to cry that
she was to wake me immediately. I told her how important this
was to me. SHE KNEW that my son had only ever had breast milk
in his entire life, and that that was how we indented to continue
until he was ready for other fluids and solid food. SHE PROMISED
me that she would wake me. I woke up in pain. Both my
breasts were swollen, red, and oozing milk. I looked at my watch,
I had been asleep for hours. I ran down stairs and asked why
she hadn't woken me. Hadn't he cried, I asked, amazed, since
he fed every couple of hours. "Oh, yes, he cried,"
she said. He was obviously hungry, so I gave him half a cup
of boiled water to keep him quiet so you could sleep. When she
saw my angry expression she said airily, "Don't worry, I didn't
give it to him in a bottle, I used a teaspoon." I had to
use a breast pump to prevent mastitis and had to pour the milk down
the sink! She never said sorry or admitted any wrong doing,
the b*tch!
12/19
signed - She Broke Her
Promise
RESPONSE: she broke her promise
THAT would have been the last straw with me. She would not have
been welcomed back after that. At all. No more visits
for her, and, most definitely, NO babysitting. She would have
been promptly ripped a new a$$hole too.
12/20
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Note: This story
moved from 12/2 archive due to recent receipt of a response.
Do you ladies (and maybe gentlemen?) think that MIL'S are secretly
in love with their own sons? I mean, I realize that my husband
is gorgeous, and her ONLY child, but she is constantly telling him
how beautiful he is and how LUCKY I am to have him. When we
are around them (which isn't too often, by the grace of a few thousand
miles), she is constantly rubbing his back and trying to play with
his hair. It's like she's flirting with him. We were in
Florida on vacation once, and I had my camera out on the deck of the
house that we all rented, and I wanted to know if I could take a picture
of my H and his M. Well, she CLIMBS up on the back of his chair,
wraps her legs around his neck, and hugs his neck with her face (and
lips) almost on top of him. It looked like a pic that you'd
take with someone that you were EXTREMELY amorous of. Don't
even get me started with his two "aunties" (of course, his
M's sisters). They hang all over him too. The first time
I met one of the "aunties" (as THEY call themselves), she
ran over to my H to sit on his crotch. I swear, right in the
middle, if you know what I mean. These people are soooooo bizarre.
As I mentioned, my H IS gorgeous, but I'm certainly no slouch.
They lovvvvvve to make comments on how "incredibly short"
I am. (I'm 5'3"). My H is 6'4". I really cannot
stand the sight of these women. If my husband (who is the sweetest,
best, most adoring husband to me) so much as kisses me, you could
hear a pin drop. It's like they want to kill me for even thinking
of kissing him. Please help, someone. My friends can hardly
believe me. They all have "perfect" MIL's and SIL's.
Thanks.
11/27
signed - Married To Brad Pitt,
But IL's With Lizzie Bordens.
RESPONSE: This is a response to "Married to Brad
Pitt..." and also to "What more do they want?".
This word is the word I call my Mil, but it sounds like you should
use it. Instead of mother, I call her Smother!!! Seems
fitting to me!! Good Luck.
11/28
RESPONSE: Response to "married to Brad Pitt"
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I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL!!! I'm "5 more months" and
MIL has done some really creepy things, too. She was sitting
on the sofa and my fiancé was sitting with me on the floor.
Then she started to rub her foot up and down his back. It's
like she was trying to entice him! When he moved away from it
she said, "You don't have to move!" He just laughed
and made a joke, but later he told me that it really gave him a wiggins!
Give your hubby a hug and tell him there are others like her!!
11/28
RESPONSE: to Married to Brad Pitt but IL's with Lizzie
Borden
Your situation with your MIL and "aunties" scared me to
the core. My experience may not be just like yours, but the
weirdness factor is there. Next year, I'm marrying a remarkable
guy who also happens to be very attractive. His mother is a
real piece of work though. She tries to act with him in the
same way your MIL does with your DH. I thank my lucky stars
that she is also thousands of miles away. The awful truth is
she molested him from the time he could remember until he left for
college. In addition to the sexual abuse, she physically abused
my fiancé and his brother (fortunately the brother was spared from
the molesting). However, my FMIL never admitted her heinous
crimes, and the rest of the family are in denial. After all,
my FMIL (according to herself) is an upstanding member of her community.
She would never do that to her own children. My fiancé has strong
suspicions that my FMIL's sister also molested her own son.
The FMIL's sister and FMIL behave in a manner similar to your MIL
and her sisters. Touchy, feely and lovey dovey. It is
so creepy. I don't want to scare you because your situation
may not be as bad as my fiancé 's. Some of the things he has
done to keep the distance is to not visit as often and screen calls.
She can't seem to let go of her son, who she treated like a surrogate
husband. The FMIL is pleasant to me, but I can't help but feel
rage towards her. My fiancé goes home alone so I don't have
to deal with the FMIL. He doesn't allow his mother to act in
an inappropriate manner in public or private. He walks away
from her when she misbehaves, and refuses to be alone with her.
Your MIL and her sisters are behaving very inappropriately.
It seems that the only person who can stop your MIL and the "aunties"
would be your DH. Hopefully, he sees what they are doing and
how it affects you. They may not be molesting him, but the emotional
clinginess is something to be concerned about. He may need to
physically/emotionally push them off of him, and tell them that this
is making him uncomfortable. He may need to distance himself
in all ways. Hopefully, he sees the strange behavior also.
After all, he is your husband, not theirs. They seem jealous
of you. He should not say to them that it is making you, as
his wife, feel uncomfortable. That would just give the MIL and
"aunties" more reason to dislike you. Where is your
FIL with all of this? Do your best to be polite and try not
to show that it is upsetting you. But your DH is going to have
to do/say the things that will set boundaries. And, remember,
you are living with your DH - the MIL and "aunties" are
living with themselves and have to face themselves in the mirror every
day. Best of luck.
11/28
signed - Wonderful DH, Sicko
MIL
RESPONSE: Married to Brad Pitt, but IL's with Lizzie
Bordens
My mother in law is not that extreme, but she obviously would marry
her son if it were not illegal. She always tries to kiss him
on the lips, even though he has made the point that he hates this.
And she always wants to sit next to him, and stares at us when we
are together, like she is looking for tips on how to be romantic.
She freaks me out. I haven't told my husband this, because I
know that it would totally gross him out. He just avoids that
as much as possible. I get grossed out about it. I don't
know how to stop her from doing stuff like that, because it is such
a touchy subject.
12/19
RESPONSE: Married To Brad Pitt, But IL's With Lizzie
Bordens
I can relate to that. My MIL is always wanting to hold my husband's
hand, pat him on the inner thigh, rub his leg, all this while we are
in church, of all places. She puts her hands where I should
be putting mine, only I don't put them in certain places in church.
A lot of people noticed, and my husband has tried to move away or
around, but she just keeps hanging on. She just hangs all over
him like it was puppy love or something.
12/20
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The best thing I ever did
was when I was newly married. I was easily manipulated then
because I didn't want to upset my husband and risk breaking up our
marriage because of them. My MIL looked at me one day and said
that now that I was her son's wife it was up to me to buy birthday
presents, Christmas presents, and Mother's day presents, etc., for
his family. My entire life flashed before my eyes, and I remembered
my mother's frustration after years of buying for my father's family
and getting nothing but grief in return. I turned to her, without
thinking for once about the consequences for my DH, and said, "GOD,
NO. I don't want you mad at me because you didn't get a Mother's
Day card." DHs family is his family, and that way the blame
or appreciation can go exactly where it belongs, to HIM. I have
never regretted saying that. It has kept me sane for the 10
years it took for me to grow up and stop letting them control me.
I recommend it heartily.
12/19
signed - Kept Me Sane For 10
Years
RESPONSE: Kept Me Sane For 10 Years
The way I see it, he takes care of his family, and I take care of
mine. If it's a joint gift, his name is signed first if the
gift is for his family, and mine is signed first if it is for mine.
12/20
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When I had my first child,
we had my (much older) sister-in-law and her (much much older) husband
living in our basement. When we came home from the hospital,
of course the bar fly sister and brother in law were there, but also
my wicked bingo hall mother in law showed up uninvited. She
kept throwing out helpful phrases like, "Maybe you don't have
enough milk for him," and, "We always put our babies to
sleep on the couch." I heard, "We always did this,"
or, "We always did that." for months and months. Who
the hell is "we", and why do they always do stupid things?
And my milk is none of her business.
12/19
signed - got milk?
RESPONSE: got milk?
I have a similar story ... my MIL told me that I didn't know how to
breastfeed my daughter, and lectured me on exactly how to (my MIL
never saw me breastfeed my daughter, so how the heck would she know?)!
Not a very nice thing to do to a new mother, but a great way to get
the new mother to start disliking a MIL.
12/21
signed - My MIL Is A Cow
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We had a family meeting
where we were trying to decide if it made sense to still exchange
gifts with the adults in dh's family, since all 4 of the siblings
were married and had at least one child. Some good points were
made, and at last it seemed like everyone was in agreement to only
give gifts to the children from that point on, when my FIL emerged
from his coma and announced that he disagreed (usually he lets MIL
do all the talking) with this decision because, "I have 4 children,
and I enjoy buying gifts for them. I don't want this simple
pleasure taken away from me."
Two observations:
1: MIL does all the gift buying, and even mentioned as much
to dh and me later. So how is this "his" pleasure?
2: He has "4" children? What about their spouses?
12/20
signed - Gifts Just For
The Kids Made Sense
|
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Note: Story moved
here from 11/25/00 archive due to recent receipt of a response.
My husband's mother has announced, about a month ago, that she is
coming to visit us two days after Christmas, for a week; of
course she would never ask me whether that is a good time for her
to visit us or not, since what I think does not count. Two weeks
ago, she arranged with my husband to look for a hotel for her, since
we have a one bedroom apartment: one bedroom, one bathroom and
a lounge. When my husband got back to her and told her the hotel
rates, she said she wanted to stay with us instead. The problem
is, we have a couch which one can use as a mattress in the lounge,
which would not be good for her back. She has occasional back
pain. When my husband explained to her that, she suggested that
we buy another couch with a sturdier mattress for her. The problem
is that I love my couch. If we get rid of that couch, we'll
have to get rid of its nice black frame as well. What makes
me feel worse is that I just bought a gorgeous cover with beautiful
designs for it when I went abroad to visit my family last Summer.
When my husband asked about my opinion while he was talking to her
over the phone, I nodded yes to him; I said, "no problem
- we'll buy a new bed for her," (she might help us with the price),
and then I felt terrible afterwards, because I just think it is not
right for her to do this to us. Besides, it would not be appropriate
for her to stay with us in a one bedroom apartment for a week.
When I complained to my husband about the couch part of it, he thought
it is just an excuse; the bottom line is that I don't want her to
be there. He is so afraid to confront her and explain to her
that she'd better stay in a hotel. Please give me your advice.
Do you think I am exaggerating, or do I have reasonable concerns?
Besides, I really believe his mother wants to stay with us just for
the sake of staying with us to cause trouble; she would never
dare do this to her own daughter, who herself admitted to me that
she would never share a house with her mother. I did not have
good experiences with my husband's mother.
11/12
signed - MIL On Couch
RESPONSE: MIL on couch
I have to say it sounds like you should get your husband a backbone
for Christmas. Your MIL wants you to buy a new couch just so
she can stay with you? I say He** NO!! Personally, I would
try to come to a compromise: she wanted to stay in a hotel but decided
not to because it was too expensive. Instead of spending money
on a new couch (JUST so she can sleep on it), tell her that you will
ASSIST in paying for the hotel. There are lots of hotels that
will give you a weekly rate, which is often cheaper than a nightly
rate (although I am not sure which type of an area you are in).
The extra expense would be worth it just to keep her out of your apt.
for a week, and you having to get new furniture. I hope this
helps!!
12/20
RESPONSE: MIL On Couch
Yes, I know how you feel. I do that too. Basically out
of sheer good nature, and an attempt to be fair: what if she
was my mother? But, because she is what she is, an uncaring
and childish kind of attention seeking person, I don't feel very nice
after it. The blame goes to her, although by rights it should
not, because the decision was mine. I am generally fond of my
things, each is a memory, and I hate to lose any. It would help
if my husband would understand that, commiserate with me and just
let me carp a while. I don't really mind if he is on my side,
but when he gets to the. "You always are against my mother"
part, I just hate it and her. The spine, I guess, is required
for both of us: for him to be able to say no, and for me too,
to be not afraid of offending her because it will lead to a fight
with him. After all, what have I achieved after three years
of doing so? He still isn't convinced that, even though I may
not like her at all, I am always fair, and I wouldn't hurt her deliberately.
12/21
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This isn't really a story,
but a pastime I don't know why I enjoy, other than being close to
my mother in-law. Every day I'm off of work my mother in-law
and I spend half the day sitting in front of the computer while she
plays bingo online, and we talk about anything and everything.
I just thought it would be nice to share this kind of boring, yet
very sweet information.
12/20
signed - luvformysecondmom
|
|
This is so terribly sad,
and it makes me want to move far, far away from my in-laws.
Both my mother-in-law AND her mother are so self involved with my
DH & his siblings, it is just so pathetic. My DH and I live
in the same city with MIL/her mom, but DH's siblings live in another
state. These two get so obsessive about when "the kids"
come home to visit. MIL (and her mother for that matter) babies
and fawns over them when they're not here, but when they come back
to visit, it's 10 times worse. She goes shopping, buys 27 tons
of food (that they aren't even going to eat, and she ends up trying
to give it to US anyway). Last time they were here, she bought
them and my DH their favorite cereals that they ate when they were
5. I thought I would die. My DH and his sibs are all in
their 20's now.
The latest is that MIL's mother (their grandmother, obviously) is
having a birthday next weekend. MIL usually holds dinner at
her house for whoever's birthday it is, so I asked her which day she
was having it, because my DH and I are trying to make other plans
that weekend. We need to know a day so we can use the other
day for our other plans. I need to let the other people know
what day we'll be seeing them. SOOOO ... Grandma-in-law now
says that she'd prefer to wait until "the kids" are home
to celebrate ... they do this a lot. I keep wanting to go, "Look,
THEY moved out, ok? They knew that meant missing out on stuff!
You don't have to postpone every damned thing until they come home!"
It makes me so sick sometimes. This is on top of the fact that
my MIL actually has come right out and told everyone that they WILL
be home (meaning her house) for Christmas, no matter what, as if it's
some rule that we must not even consider breaking. This makes
me want to move far away and purposely not come home for Christmas
for 3 straight years, just to prove a point to her - that my husband
and I absolutely will not be treated that way, and that we will spend
the holidays wherever we please. However, we're stuck here (for
now) and I'm forced to put up with this. His grandmother actually
tells everyone, "I raised those kids," (she didn't - she
just lived with them and MIL). That pisses off MIL when she
says that. It really makes me sick how much these two fawn over
"the kids". But even more, it makes me angry that
they treat them (specifically my DH) like children. My husband
and I are a family now, too, and they don't respect that. They
will learn, one way or another, that they can't just do and say and
demand whatever they like with us, because I won't put up with it.
My DH and I will pack up and move way the hell away before I'll let
that crap continue.
12/11
Signed - We Will Spend
The Holidays Wherever We Please
RESPONSE: We Will Spend The Holidays Wherever We Please
My fiancé is the youngest child of all the grandchildren, and the
only son of his mother. The baby. Whenever we go over
to his M or GM's house for dinner or something they always make comments
like, "Well, be sure to wear your sweater. It's cold out."
I know they are just trying to be nice, but he's 21 yrs old ... come
on. Also, I am two years older than my Bf, and have been living
on my own since I was 19, whereas he moved out just this year.
They tell me to remember to lock my doors before I leave the house.
I am the oldest grandchild in my family and have never been babied,
but with his family I am seen as an attachment to him so they treat
me the way they treat him, and it drives me crazy. I recently
bought a car, and his GM asked me if I was sure I could handle the
finances?! She asks me if I know how to balance a checkbook.
I've only been making house payments for two years!! What are
they going to do when we have children? Tell us to be sure and
feed them?
12/20
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My MIL-to-be has to be
from hell. I have a very loving relationship with both of my
parents, and they love my fiancé. While dating we always went
out on double dates with them. My MIL never wanted to go out
with my bf and I. Any time he got into an argument with her
it always ended up being about me, and she would often accuse us of
having sex, and she would ask if I was pregnant. Many times
I would be in the same room while this conversation was going on,
but she would talk about me as if I weren't sitting there!!
My parents are moving out of town and I am very tempted to follow,
because their beliefs and way of raising children are a lot like my
bf's and mine. I'm not sure if I want my children alone with
my MIL, because she used to cuss out her children over silly things,
and her beliefs totally disagree with mine.
12/20
signed - Entering the War
Zone
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I actually get on quite
well with my MIL, but she can be very controlling and likes things
done her way. "Her way" includes having the family
come to her house for Christmas Day, even though most of us live 2.5
hours away from her home town, and driving can sometimes be hazardous
if the roads are snowy/slippery. One Christmas several years
ago we had intended to drive out Christmas Eve, but due to awful weather
we had to put it off until Christmas Day. We called her and
told her our plans. "You will be here by 10:30, won't you?
That's when we'll be opening presents," she said. "Okay,"
we said with sinking hearts, realizing that to get there for 10:30
meant having to get ourselves, my parents, and our year-old baby out
of bed no later than 7:00 a.m. Ugh. But we managed it
somehow, and we rolled up triumphantly to my MIL's house at 10:30
on the dot. We came in, calling "Merry Christmas!"
- to be greeted by the sight of everyone sitting in the living room
surrounded by wrapping paper and ribbons. That's right - after
we'd busted our buns to get to the house on time, they'd gone ahead
and opened gifts without us. We then opened our own gifts, which
was very awkward, because everyone else had nothing to open and they
just sat there staring at us. Later on my husband took MIL to
task and asked why they hadn't waited for us. "Well, the
kids wanted to open the presents, so we let them," she said defensively.
The "kids" were her younger son and daughter, who were 22
and 27 years old, respectively!
12/20
signed - Wonderful Time
Of Year
|
|
The following story moved
here from 12/9/00 archive due to recent receipt of a response.
Hi. My story is the worst ever. It had happened 3 months
ago, and it was just horrible. I still feel terrible, and I
don't know what to do about it.
My sister in law hates me so much. She doesn't like the fact
that my boyfriend is so much in love with me. 3 months ago,
she told me that my boyfriend has fun in clubs whenever I am not with
him. I was so shocked, because that was the meanest thing anyone
ever told me. So I went to my guy and told him what she said.
He got so mad and told her to stay away from me.
That same day she came up to me and called me names. She even
wanted to hit me if it wasn't for my boyfriend. She said so
many mean things to me. She told me that my boyfriend loved
his ex's better than me, and that our relationship is not going to
stay long. We have now stayed together for almost 3 years.
We plan to get married soon.
What is so bothering to me now is that we live in different states.
My boyfriend lives in Colorado, and that is where he wants to live
for the rest of his life. I, on the other side, do not want
to live there by any means. And, this is just to avoid his family.
All his family are the same kind of people. They do not like
me. I love my boyfriend so much, and I want to do a lot for
him. I want to live with him for the rest of my life.
I know I will live with him in Colorado if it means so much to him.
My only fear is that if I confront any of his family once more, I
know that I am going to get into a tough decision situation.
I have never thought of leaving him b/c it is so hard for me to do
so. I love him with all my heart, and the only things that will
make us separated is his family. I don't know how I will deal
with that. I need someone to tell me what to do. I really
will be appreciative. I need help b/c this is killing me both
mentally and physically.
12/1
signed - I need someone's
help!!
RESPONSE: I need someone's help
Dear Need, I have been there done that. My EX MIL once told
me and my ex husband not to come back over because of a couch (long
stupid story) ... But my Ex SIL was the same way that yours is being,
but being the type of person I am I stood up and stood my ground.
Sounds like, to me, they don't have any respect for you, and with
that happening they will continue to treat you this way. There
are ways to get your point across to these people without resorting
to violence. Just get a backbone and tell them off one good
time and see what happens. I bet you the crap will stop.
It did for me. But, just don't let them walk all over you.
And don't cuss when you tell them off. Do it in a dignified
manner. Let them know that you are a lady, and you are worth
getting to know. Hope this helps.
12/2
RESPONSE: I need someone's help!!
Listen very carefully -- DO NOT MOVE TO COLORADO!!! I had the
same problem. My husband is from Texas & we met in NJ because
his kids live there. He has been dying to come back to Texas,
so I agreed to move here with him after we got married, since it really
meant a lot to him. My life has gone to sh*t since I've been
here. (My story will be printed soon.) My in-laws are horrible selfish
people, and I let way too much go. I honestly had the best intentions
of everything getting better once we came down, & spent some time
with them. Unfortunately, that hasn't panned out like we would've
liked. If you have any inkling at all that your relationship
with the in-laws is going to be less than perfect, do not move.
I am telling you from experience -- on top of being homesick, my in-laws
have made our lives a living hell. Your BF got used to living
away from Colorado. DO NOT compromise the things you want to
please him. Unfortunately, my husband grew up in a family where
things are just left to be & not effectively dealt with.
If I knew that, I never would've left NJ. Now I am stuck 1700
miles away, in the country, away from my family & friends.
Please don't make the same mistake I did.
12/13
RESPONSE: I need someone's help
I had a boyfriend with family 3000 miles away. They didn't like
me very much because he was moving away from them. They bribed
him with money and he moved back. I always knew his devotions
were with them, and the guilt trip and manipulating questions they
would ask on the phone. I loved him SO MUCH, I thought then,
but when there is heartache you have to step back and take it so slow,
especially if you are young. They don't want to lose him, and
that is his problem to deal with, not yours, for being in love with
him at the present time. They will be all over you if they can't
lighten up. Many days I wonder, it's just not worth it when
it hurts. You have choices and control now. Not much when
marriage and children complicate.
12/16
RESPONSE: need someone's help
I just thought I'd point out to you that CO is a big state.
If you are moving close to his parents and that's why he wants to
live in CO that's bad. However, if he just loves the state (like
I do) then there are many areas you could move to that won't have
to be near his parents. Just to give you a perspective that
hasn't been shown yet.
12/20
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I have more than one, but
this is the first bad MIL encounter, and the one that really turned
me off her. It also revolves around my SIL. My husband
has a sister, and she was always the golden child. Sister received
everything she asked for, and DH got much of nothing. The week
of our wedding, SIL came to town and the Earth stopped in its orbit
to allow MIL and FIL to be at her total beck and call. MIL and
FIL made it clear that the wedding was secondary to SIL's visit.
The night of our rehearsal, both families, the attendants, and minister
were supposed to meet at the wedding site and go over the ceremony,
and then everybody go out to dinner as one big family event.
My in-laws stood us up at our wedding rehearsal. We were all
standing around like a bunch of dummies waiting for them, they did
not answer our pages, and their cell phones were off. The minister
had to leave soon, so we just went over the ceremony, and really did
not go to dinner afterwards because my parents were horrified that
the in-laws blew off the rehearsal. And we had wasted so much
time waiting around for them that everybody else had to get on home.
The excuse? SIL's in-laws had come in for the weekend and my
MIL and FIL had to squire them around town and entertain them and
SIL and her hubby. They blew off our wedding rehearsal to hit
the town with SIL and her in-laws. My mother was crushed and
humiliated, and very angry that they did this to us. My husband
has never forgotten it, and his mom's attitude was, "Well, I
am sorry we did not do what you wanted us to do, but you need to get
over it. Your sister only visits about once a year, and you
live here." Gee, we only got married once in a lifetime,
but they could not tear themselves away from SIL and her whims for
ONE evening to be a part of our wedding rehearsal. And the day
of the wedding, my SIL flounced around in an overdone white pantsuit
and a huge, ostentatious white hat with a big flower, barking orders
at people and acting like she owned the place. My husband told
her off, and she pitched a fit and came into my suite and threw some
things into the closet and stormed out, and basically made an ass
of herself in front of my Mom and my 3 best friends. The in-laws
were curt to my husband for "upsetting" his sister, and
they scooted on out as soon as the cake was served. I guess
it was very generous of them to actually make it to the ceremony and
stay for the pictures and cake. Hate to have taken away part
of the afternoon from their agenda. I am polite, but it is a
"cool" relationship. MIL knows that the rift they
caused by blowing off our wedding is probably irreparable. But
I don't think they are all too concerned. They have done more
heinous things, but that is a rant for another time.
12/17
signed - One Thoroughly
Disgusted Daughter In Law
RESPONSE: One thoroughly disgusted DIL
My hubby's sister is also the "golden child" in the family.
Everything goes her way. We all work except for her, but she's
the one who sets the date and time for all family events. There
is no asking anyone else for a more mutually satisfactory date.
My MIL called one time to say that Thanksgiving would be at noon,
the time SIL liked. I told her that I didn't get off work until
2:30. Nope, there was no way they could hold off for 2 1/2 hours
'til I could make it. She stated, "Well, you can eat leftovers."
Needless to say, I didn't show up at all.
12/20
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What is with the "price
tag included" gifts? Do I really need to know what the
MIL spent at her department store? Also, another pet peeve is
that she buys clothing gifts at craft shows or in the city, and says,
"I hope it's your size, because it's a long drive to the city
- tee hee."
12/19
signed - No Returns
|
|
I married a full blooded
MAMA'S BOY freak. His black widow mother said, "It's me
or her." ... He filed for divorce. Hmmmmmmmmm, sh*t!
What a shocker ...
12/16
signed - It's Me Or Her
- What A Shocker
RESPONSE: "it's me or her"
Thank your luck stars that you are rid of that wimp of an excuse for
a man.
12/19
RESPONSE: It's me or her ...
I have to say I agree with the first response. He wasn't worth
the skin that covered his spinal column. I just have to wonder,
why didn't you take the initiative to file for divorce first?
12/19
|
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This is really long, and
my MIL is not as bad as some of the stories that I have read, but
she still really gets on my nerves. First, my husband has never
had much of a relationship with his family. When we met, he
had been living on his own for over a year, and rarely spent any time
over at his parent's house. After first meeting my future MIL,
I was very pleasant. Being so young, and very shy, I didn't
voice my opinions much, and just kind of agreed with her on whatever.
But she started getting on my nerves, expecting my husband and me
to do everything with her. When I started standing up for myself,
she became a nightmare. She blamed me for her son moving out
and not spending time with her. She acted like my parents were
Godless heathens, when they acted with more class than she ever did.
She tried to control every aspect of our wedding, and wanted it to
be this big, expensive affair to impress her friends, but when it
came to the rehearsal dinner, she went as cheap as she could get.
At my wedding shower, when everyone was passing around my gifts, she
took a piece of lingerie I received and held onto it, wouldn't pass
it on, and kept caressing it and putting it to her nose like she was
smelling it. Needless to say, after a year of marriage, I still
have not worn it. Recently, she told me that I used to be so
nice, and asked what happened to me. My husband ignores her,
and tells me to do the same, because every time something happens
and he calls her on it, she pretends like she doesn't hear him, and
then acts like whatever she did is normal and no cause for irritation.
She also tries to get my goat, and then complains to my husband that
she loves me so much and she doesn't understand why I don't like her.
I have since given up on her. My husband and I do what we want
to when we want to, and if she gets mad, we say, "Oh well."
We both realize that she is never going to change, and instead of
fighting it, we don't consider her when we decide what to do with
our lives. It has made our marriage less stressful, and I don't
worry about what she thinks of us.
12/19
signed - Fed Up With Crazy,
Manipulative Mother In Law
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Here's another that also
happened around the same Christmas time.
My sister-in-law, who was 19 at the time, had her daughter just 2
days after we had our son. She lives with the parents-in-law.
She's violent and neglectful of her daughter. After we left
there I called child protective services ... who, of course, did NOTHING
... but, that's another story.
Anyhow, my sister-in-law had an 18 year old boyfriend at the time.
The boyfriend was violent, and said really hateful, biased, prejudiced
things all the time. He insulted my in-laws while he was there,
and insulted me ... ugh. Just generally a punk who needs a sharp
kick in the softies. I'm a pretty tolerant, easy-going person.
I generally ignored him unless he started spouting bigotry - when
I would tell him in NO uncertain terms that he knew squat about what
he was talking about and just needed to be quiet or leave. *I*
am family, and HE is not, and I have the right to not have him around
my child. This goes on - he won't leave. SIL and parents-in-law
are pretty much just there. Finally, SIL takes him and they
go outside. MIL and I make supper. SIL brings him back inside
to eat - this is after MIL had told him she was sick of feeding him
every night, and not to come back. Everyone is bickering, and
I'm trying to point out that the babies are getting scared, and this
isn't solving anything, blah blah blah. The boyfriend says,
"Then why don't you get the hell out?" And I tell
him, again, that I am family and that he is not. It gets quiet
for a minute, and then SIL YELLS at me, "Shut up, B*tch!"
I was absolutely shocked. I couldn't say anything. I looked
at my darling husband, who has never let anything like this happen
in the past, and he was looking down at his plate! I left the
table and took my son with me and started packing. What do you
DO in that sort of situation?
So, of course it's all my fault. MIL whines and cries to FIL
- who I know agrees with me, but he has to stand up for MIL since
he lives with her. FIL yells at my husband, who yells at his
dad ... and outside my window I hear SIL and the boyfriend laughing
about what a b*tch I am, and how cool she was as they take SIL's daughter
(6 mo's at the time) out with them to sit and smoke at waffle restaurant
until 3 am.
12/11
Signed - SIL's Boyfriend
Needs A Sharp Kick In The Softies
RESPONSE: SIL's Boyfriend Needs A Sharp Kick
You may not like your SIL or her boyfriend. They may, in reality,
be rude or nasty people. You may seriously disapprove of how
they raise their child. No doubt, given your version of the
story, they are aware of how you feel. Pretty much guarantees
a hostile relationship. Maybe, since you are the more mature
person with better parenting skills, you ought to set a good example
instead of a critical, condescending, hostile example. May not
fix anything, but at least you would know that you tried.
And as a note: It's really inappropriate to try to kick someone out
of someone else's house. Your M/FIL can choose to have anyone
they want in their house, regardless of whether or not they are "family".
Your only choice is to not stay in the house if you are uncomfortable.
But policing guests in someone else's house? You'd hate it if
your MIL tried to do that in your house, wouldn't you?
12/12
RESPONSE: SIL's boyfriend needs sharp kick
Ignore the first response. It was obviously written by a MIL.
You have every right to be upset by your IL's treatment of you.
I wouldn't have anything to do with them ever again. You deserve
to be treated with love and kindness instead of disrespect and malice.
12/13
RESPONSE: SIL's Boyfriend Needs A Sharp Kick
This is in response to the lovely person who wrote in to say - Ignore
that 1st response, it was probably written by a MIL. I'm that
"1st response" and am not a MIL - I'm just a DIL who has
worked extremely hard to build a tolerable relationship with my own
ILs.
I have all of the typical IL problems - I'm not good enough for their
son; they just don't "like" me; we don't visit enough (my
fault, of course); and many other things that I'm not going to list
here. Although my IL's behavior doesn't go into the extremes
that I have read on this site, it is just unpleasant to be around
people that think, act and talk this way. Since my husband really
loves both me and his parents, it causes tension in our relationship
that I would rather not have.
The way that I have managed to maintain a civil (sometimes icy, but
always civil) relationship with my ILs is by being as polite as possible,
often to the point of being distant, because that's the only way to
be polite to people that are making me insane. I show my MIL
respect while I am in her house - it is her house, and my choice to
be there. Sometimes that means that DH and I stay in a hotel
when we are visiting, just so that I can leave at the end of the day
(or whenever necessary) and go back to being myself.
It would be great to be able to be myself, act naturally, and actually
enjoy myself while I'm at my ILs. But that's not going to happen,
unless they become really different people. So we're not friends.
Ok.
It's a tradeoff - my DH and I don't see my ILs often, but when we
do I try my best to act like a mature adult. I don't try to
establish rules in my ILs house - if I don't like it, and they don't
respond to a polite request, I leave. WITH my DH. Every
time. Over time, my ILs have learned that if they want my DH
to stay in their house, they must act politely. This is not
a power struggle - it's a rule.
All I'm saying is that, although the IL relationship may be bad, it
can often get better. Not great, but tolerable. Don't
face-off against your ILs, demanding and complaining. Have a
firm agreement with your DH about the process that is going to be
followed, and who gets to decide when it takes place (if DH has very
little spine, that needs to be you). You may not be able to
get DH to stand up for you, but if he really wants to avoid confrontation
he probably already wants to leave the house. If he won't participate
at all in resolving this problem, you don't have an IL problem, you
have a marriage problem. A marriage counselor may be able to
help you both work together to improve the situation.
12/14
RESPONSE: SIL's boyfriend needs a sharp kick in the softies
I think that you are trying to do the right thing. I would tell
your IL's that you wouldn't be bringing your child back for as long
as she was there. One day your SIL's boyfriend will leave, and
she will need help, and she'll come crawling to you. By the
way, if someone called me a b*tch and my hubby didn't stand up for
me, I'd be giving him a sharp kick in his softies. Hope things
get better for you.
12/14
RESPONSE: SIL's Boyfriend Needs A Sharp Kick In The Softies
This is about the first response to the story. I am glad that
you have managed to control your life this way, and all the best to
you. I wish I could do the same, but like you said, I possibly
have a marriage problem, since DH is rather insecure about losing
his mother, and anything I say is evidence for him that I am OUT TO
GET HER! I wonder where I will go next.
12/19
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I am so happy that this
site exists. After reading many of the stories and the responses
I don't feel so alone. My husband and I met about a year and
a half ago and have been married for five months. My ILs were
great up until the time we got engaged. Needless to say, my
ILs made every attempt to ruin what was supposed to be a very special
time in our lives. I had hoped it would end when my husband
and I returned from our honeymoon. Unfortunately, it did not.
My husband works with my ILs in the family business. His first
day back at work, his mother asked how much money my sister and BIL
gave us as a wedding gift. Why this mattered to her, I have
no idea. My guess is that she wanted to compare it to what her
own kids gave. When my husband would not tell her, she stopped
speaking to both of us. I did not even know she wasn't speaking
to us until my husband finally broke down and told me. Over
one month went by. During that time my husband and I moved into
our new home. Although we asked, my Ils would not help us at
all. My parents live in another state and I really could have
used my MIL's help. They only started speaking to us when we
found out my father was diagnosed with cancer. I have been traveling
so much from home to my parents to visit with my Dad over the past
couple of months. Although my MIL calls my parents all the time
(she used to despise them) to see how they are, she has never picked
up the phone once to speak to me. After all the bad stuff she
has done to me, I know that I should not care. I can't help
it though. It still upsets me so much.
12/13
signed - MIL Blues
RESPONSE: MIL Blues
Your mother in law has "control" issues. Let me explain:
Because your husband did not respond as expected she is punishing
him, trying to control the outcome of his response.
She will never like you because she cannot control her son.
i.e. Your problems existed when you became engaged. More
than likely she wanted to "pick" her future daughter in
law. That is why she tried to break the two of you up.
Sorry your parent is ill. But ... Notice how she doesn't want
to look bad?? Her now calling them? I bet she is quite
two faced. Meaning, she is a real "passive aggressive"
... look it up.
More than likely, she can dish out toxic waste from her mouth but
can't take any criticism. I would suggest you and your husband
both go to a counselor to detox your family from this woman's negative
energy.
Frankly I would welcome the silence from her. You sound like
you are trying to be liked or accepted by her. All this will
do is feed her unhealthy behavior. And you will feel bad because
this isn't what you expected. That's what she wants.
I would not let my parents accept phone calls from this woman, and
explain why to your mother. Either that, or keep it extremely
formal and short on the phone. If she didn't like them before,
all she is doing is asking questions to get information so she can
use it.
12/14
Signed - Been There Done
That Got The MIL Blues T-Shirt
RESPONSE: Been There Done That Got The MIL Blues T-Shirt
I have a MIL who is exactly like yours. She punishes my husband
and me, when we don't fall into line with what she wants, by not talking
to us. She also seeks out my parents or asks about them, despite
the fact that she can barely bring herself to acknowledge me or my
life with her son. She has also been known to seek information
from them for purposes of troublemaking.
I, too, have tried to please my MIL, or be accepted by her, and been
hurt when my efforts were rebuffed. It is a good idea to keep
them at an emotional distance. I find it helps to focus on my
good friends as a way of remembering what it's like to REALLY be treated
well -- and then ask myself why I would bother expending any thought
or energy on someone who is so obviously incapable of treating me
the same way they do.
In any case, I just wanted to say that whoever wrote the advice above
was dead on. I hope we can both follow it!
12/17
RESPONSE: MIL Blues
You sound like a real person, with practical advice that can be followed.
Thank you for it. I too have been through a lot of trauma because
I believed initially that my in-laws were good people, simply because
I could not conceive of anyone evil. I have come to know my
MIL now, and take her for what she is. Yet, sometimes, the desire
to be loved or needed or accepted becomes too strong, and the heartache
starts all over again. I tell myself that if I have been disappointed,
she too must have her own pain and sufferings, that I also would not
have come up to her expectations, and so I must forgive her.
It is another matter that she wants total control over me, wants me
to be her companion rather than her son's wife, wants her son to be
her soul mate rather than mine ... she is, perhaps, unaware of some
of this herself, and needs psychiatric help to get to know herself
at all. Yet, I try to forget her as soon as I can, try to live
my life, which is difficult as we are in the same block of apartments.
But I do succeed to a degree, and am not too much troubled by her
insinuations, innuendos and sarcastic and sly comments. There
are, however, times like today when it becomes too much. I had
just come from an interview for a post which is on par with my husband's.
It went off fairly well, and she was really disgusted with me, trying
to be pseudo-solicitous, asking me not to do things, while her tone
implied that it was my job to do it, even if my life was being forfeited
at the time; saying that I had worked hard, while her manner showed
that she didn't think I deserved it or should have even tried for
it as her son held that exalted post. I could have found this
amusing, but it got me down today, because recently we (DH and I)
had an argument about her, which ended in his accusing me of being
obsessed with his mother, and defending her actions, and generally
saying that he would continue to take her side at all times.
So, at this moment I wonder, why am I taking so much sh*t? For
whom?
12/19
Signed - Wonder Why I Am
Doing It
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Hi ... I have read tons
of the MIL stories and 99% of them are so horrible ... I could never
imagine a MIL like that ... so I though that I would let you all know
that not all MIL's are rotten. I am in my early 20's and have
been married to my wonderful husband for 5 years. We have been
together since '94 ... and almost instantly MIL and I became friends.
She is one of the most wonderful, caring, considerate, loving, human
beings I have ever met. FIL is a different story ... but nothing
that I can take personally, because he treats everyone the same ...
and actually he likes me ... he would never admit that, but deep down
he does ... LOL ... anyway ... back to MIL ... she is incredible.
I think everyone should take lessons from her ... not just MIL's ...
but society in general ... she has certainly made me a better person.
She is always there to lend a hand ... or an ear ... and always has
our best interest at heart, and gives advice only when asked for ...
and if I don't take it then she does not get offended, because she
knows that everyone has to walk their own path in life and make choices
for themselves, and she respects that. My husband and I have
3 beautiful daughters age (all younger than 5) and they are the light
of her life. We live across the street from the IL's ... which
is not a problem for us, because she is considerate of our privacy,
and lets us have our own space. And FIL stays to himself anyway.
She spends a lot of quality time with my children (FIL does too ...
he enjoys them very much) and is always there to take them, so that
my husband and I can have some "quiet time together".
She has done a wonderful job of raising her 2 sons, and teaching them
how to properly treat another person. Even when my husband and
I first started dating, he treated me as if we would be together for
the rest of out lives ... which is the same way that he treated his
girlfriends before me ... and I see my BIL treat his girlfriends the
same ... she has taught them that when you love someone, you LOVE
them in all senses of the word, and with all of your heart ... not
just love them when you want to, and how you want to, and on your
terms ... like a lot of other people do. I hope that I can instill
the same values and compassion into my own children ... and with her
as a role model for myself and my kids ... I know that that will happen
... Thanks for letting me tell my story ... just remember that not
all MIL's are bad ... hope yours will turn out like mine ...
12/17
signed - I love her as
my own
RESPONSE: I Love Her As My Own
Wow! The person who wrote the story about the wonderful MIL
is very lucky! I know a few people who aren't so lucky.
My own MIL isn't bad. However, I do have a lot of stories here
about her from the times that she's crossed the line. And she
does it a lot, too. My sister's friend has a complete witch
of a MIL. A few years ago, this girl lost a baby in approximately
her 7th month. Shortly after, the MIL made some nasty comment
to her that involved a sentence like, "Well, (husband's name)
just lost HIS son." Aaaah! If my MIL ever said
something like that to me, we would be cutting off contact with her
faster than you could imagine. She would immediately lose all
communication with her son, and me, and our (future) family.
I will back up the author of the original story, though. There
are some really great MIL's out there. My friend's MIL gave
her a matching set of jewelry - ring, necklace, and earrings - as
a gift for having her (MIL's) first grandchild! I thought that
was so sweet. It kind of made me sad when I heard that, thinking
about my own MIL, who I feel doesn't give her son the respect he deserves.
She needs to learn that he and I are a family now, and that she should
respect that. She has a lot of learning to do about tact and
manners, in my humble opinion. I think I'll send her over to
my friend's house so she can observe a quality MIL/DIL relationship.
To her credit, she's been a tiny bit better since the wedding several
months ago. She was terrible before it, because she wasn't getting
her way with a lot of unreasonable demands that she had made.
She seems to be fine now, but only because of other things in her
life that are going her way right now. The minute something
doesn't, she's going to start all over again.
12/18
RESPONSE: I love her as my own
Please convey our thanks to the lady in question for restoring faith
in MIL-kind.
12/19
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Two years ago, my husband
and I, along with our son and daughter (both pre-school), finally
moved out of the house which we shared with my IL's. (It was
not a fairy tale living arrangement - with my husband and I doing
most of the suffering). The following month, while unpacking,
I found a plastic bag labeled with my name on it inside one of our
boxes. I recognized the handwriting to be that of my MIL.
I was shocked (but really should not have been) to discover in the
bag all the gifts I had ever given the MIL during the years we had
known each other. That Christmas, I received a gift from
her via my husband. I did not visit them, and understandably,
I did not want to open nor accept the gift she sent over with my husband.
My husband, on the other hand, considering that his mother did go
to the trouble of "buying" me a gift, insisted I open the
present. I was not surprised, but still slightly hurt when I
opened the gift to see a framed picture of me and my husband, which
I believe used to belong to my MIL. Later, we accidentally discovered
that, taped to the back of that picture (well-hidden in the frame),
was the only picture that my MIL "used to have" of my husband
and me on our wedding day! Needless to say, when I received
nothing from the IL's for Christmas last year, I did not care.
12/18
signed - Turned The Other Cheek At Christmas
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My MIL has always disliked
her in-laws - we call ourselves "outlaws." Anyway,
she thinks that her family has the most beautiful eyes. When
I brought my first son home from the hospital, she opened the blanket,
put her hand on her heart and with a huge sigh said, "Oh good,
at least he has big eyes." I guess unlike my little tiny
ones? The funniest thing is that the "family eyes"
are actually inherited from HER greatly disliked MIL, and are rather
bulging and slightly frog-like. When SIL told my DH at a family
gathering how sad it was that our children didn't have the family
eyes, he said, "Who wants their kid to look like a frog?"
12/18
signed - My Eyes Are Fine,
Thanks.
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Here is my story.
My in laws have been very nasty to me. They do this when my
husband isn't around. At my bridal shower, all of them were
upset with me that he wasn't there. Therefore, they said some
nasty things to me. For example: one relative said to me, "Where
is my wedding invitation? What is going on? Am I invited
to the shower and not the wedding?" I had to explain to
her that I gave the invitations to my fiancé, and he was going to
give them to her. They are family, the wedding was six weeks
away at that point. I thought, of course they are invited!
Why would anyone suggest that I would be so cruel and heartless.
I have been nothing but nice to them. I don't know where she
got this from. They also get angry with me on holidays because
we are not spending the entire day or days with them. We split
holidays up fifty-fifty, so we can see my family as well. They
have said to me that I have to have everything my way and that I am
selfish, because I don't spend the entire day or days with them.
Please help! - very hurt
12/16
signed - Husband At Bridal
Shower? Help Me!
RESPONSE: Husband at Bridal Shower?
It doesn't matter if you walk on water, you can do no good.
Obviously his family is so hypersensitive to everything you are, and
do. I would seriously consider not marrying this man unless
he sits down with his family and tells them that they will treat you
like they treat him, or he will not be around. I am adamant
that he establish protective boundaries for you, or you leave.
You are flirting with disaster, and if you have children ... you will
live your worst nightmare. I've been there ... please spare
yourself the pain. If he doesn't understand, go to therapy ...
if he won't go ... you go.
12/17
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Note: This story
moved from the 12/2 archive due to recent receipt of a response.
I live in Brazil, and think this may be an interesting story.
I was getting married to a girl that loved me a lot, and the situation
with my future MIL, who was a widow, was stable. She's a hard
person, but 2 years of having a relationship with her daughter made
her more supportive. My presence was barely noticed by her family
until my decision to get married. As the day was getting closer,
her mother started to treat me so kindly that I got confused.
She wanted to go everywhere with us, and, not satisfied, started to
phone my house inviting me to go shopping with her and search for
the "Bride's Dress" (and such). I said to my girlfriend
that it wasn't necessary to worry her mother with the preparations.
Nothing happened. The phone calls continued, and the subject
was changing: now she was wondering about things such as my experiences
with women in the past, if I "had met" her daughter, how
was I supposed to give her all the assistance she needs considering
my career, how many kids did I intended to have, etc. This was
very invasive of her! Why all these questions? My girlfriend
and I had a conversation about the intention of her mother, which
she quickly supported with the argument her mother was trying to be
nice to me. Once I entered the family, her mother intended to
welcome me, and prevent us from getting into any bad situations.
At the end, she warned me to be more "receptive" to her
mother, or our situation could get worse ... Well, love sometimes
makes you stand a mountain over your head, and it wasn't any different
to me. I gave the necessary attention to my future MIL until
the day before my wedding, when she came to my home with the excuse
of helping with final adjustments to my clothes. As I opened
my door, she entered in a hurry, screaming like a nut. I closed
the door, calmed her down, sat her on the couch and went to the kitchen
to get a glass of water. When I got back, I found her laying
down, extremely calm, and completely naked!! Wow!! Now
it was my turn to get shocked, but it didn't work. She came
in my direction saying she needed to teach me how make her daughter
happy ... I told her that was not necessary.
11/23
signed - what a shock
RESPONSE: what a shock
Er, I think your mother in law needs psychiatric attention, seriously.
I am a doc. And I do feel that if you delay this, it will give
rise to worse problems.
12/17
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Help Question: I
have a wonderful MIL, and a couple of years ago I saw a poem from
a DIL to a MIL talking about how she was thankful that this mother
had raised such a wonderful son and now was letting the DIL take him.
Something to that effect - I was wondering if you had heard of it
or know where I could get it?? I would appreciate your help,
I think it would be a great Xmas present for my MIL.
12/16
Editor's Response: We just dealt with this question last week,
and apologize for the answer failing to make the Help Page. That has been
corrected. Please follow this link to Last Week's Stories, or this
link to the Help Page to see the posting.
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This is a long, but utterly
outrageous & (unfortunately) true account of my in-laws.
I am my husband's second (& last) wife, & his parents LOVED
his ex, even though she was promiscuous throughout the marriage.
After dating for a few years, my husband & I decided to get married.
When I called to share the news with them (they lived 1700 miles away
at the time), his father told me that he had hoped my husband &
his ex-wife would get back together, after being divorced for quite
awhile. They told my husband that they wouldn't be attending
the wedding because they're "too busy" & "burned
out" from my now sister-in-law's 2 previous marriages. (And what
does that have to do with their son?) They did say, however,
that they would send my husband's retarded brother. What happened
next was simply unbelievable -- they spent the week before OUR wedding
making this big deal out of how they felt my brother-in-law "needed"
to see his former sister-in-law, & proceeded to make all these
arrangements for him to visit with her! (And they played it out under
the guise of him being retarded -- he did not even wish to see her.)
We ended up having to move down here by them under this grand great
thing of no rent, etc. (which they have he | |
