My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Dear Dr. Apter,
I have submitted my story through the Frequent Fry-Her Page.
My question is whether my decision to have nothing to do with my mother-in-law
is the best way to solve this problem. I have decided that I
will go to family reunions, but avoid her there, and I will by no
means see her in any other circumstance. As I mentioned, my
husband spoke with her several years ago, and it did no good.
He doesn't want to say anything more to her, because he doesn't think
it will help. I tried once after that to speak with her, and
she got very defensive and insisted she was just expressing her opinions,
and why won't I believe her? I felt bad then, and suggested
we go for a walk so we could talk alone. She ended up lecturing
me on how great cranial sacral therapy was, and what she wanted to
do in her career! And after that, still nothing changed, and
she continued to insult my career and life decisions! Is this
really the point where I should give up? And if so, do you have
any suggestions on how to help me "let go" of the anger
and disappointment? It's easier said than done -- while I've
tried to wash my hands of her, it still frustrates me to no end when
she and my husband (she only calls him on his personal cell phone)
talk as if nothing is wrong. Fortunately this is fairly rare,
but here I am, dumping this on the Internet because I am so bothered
by it. Thank you.
Dr Apter's reply:
From what you describe, it seems as though you have various options.
You can try to practice being with your mother-in-law, but not really
engaging with her. You could keep conversation neutral, and
give up any expectations that you could have a genuine exchange of
opinions. In other words, you could be with her, but tune out.
Another possibility is to seek some kind of counseling with her, so
that each of you learns to respond effectively to the other.
It is unlikely, however, that your mother-in-law will agree to this,
because she sees the problem as all yours, and not hers. The
anger and disappointment you continue to feel shows that you have
not cut off your involvement, even though you are trying to cut off
your contact with her. I suggest you try to think about why
you feel so hurt. Do you long for her approval? Do you
feel that her judgment is somehow right? Once you can name the
reasons why she has such a strong effect on you, you may be able to
minimize that effect.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My mother-in-law to be is very controlling of her children, all of
them over the age of 24. She has referred to our 11 month old
child as a bastard child because we are not married. I cannot
get over this. In fact, I do not want her anywhere near my child.
She has apologized, but this really did not make a difference.
I also do not like the way that she raised, or is still raising, them.
For instance, I suspect that she is allowing her two children, (both
in their 20's) to smoke (what I suspect may be an illegal substance)
in her home, & she condones this. This is not what I want
my daughter to learn. It is also causing problems between me
and my daughter's father, with whom I think I want to spend the rest
of my life. But his parents keep interfering. Please help.
DR Apter's reply:
Your mother-in-law's apology should count for a lot. It takes
some guts and self awareness for a mother-in-law to see that she has
been unfair to a daughter-in-law, and to take steps to mend the relationship.
In apologizing, she is putting herself in a one-down position.
It would be good to show appreciation for that. Regarding the
differences in your views on child-rearing, I urge tolerance.
Perhaps when your 11 month old daughter is older, you could explain
clearly how you feel, and make sure that your values prevail.
But at present, this difference in itself is not likely to have an
impact on your child.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I've had a perfect relationship with my MIL until my daughter was
born 8 months ago. She works full-time, and my mother helps
me to take care of our daughter. My MIL gets very jealous every
time she hears that we leave our daughter with my mother. She
demands to bring our daughter to her house every time we visit my
mother. Also, she has an opinion of her own on everything.
She refuses to read books on parenting, she refuses to listen to doctors.
She always gives advice, and sometimes it is dangerous. She
insists on following her advice. I tried everything: talking
to her, explaining to her what I was doing, and why I was doing it
my way, offering her articles and books to read to support my views,
but nothing has worked.
She says a lot of hurtful things like: "My son gained weight
properly and your daughter did not!!! I hope your daughter will
turn out normal."; "Everyone says you should do it this
way", etc. I am really hurt. I still breastfeed my
daughter, and I do everything I can to give her the best start in
life. I decided to stay home with her for the first two years
to care for her, and she disapproves of that too. She always
talks about how difficult it was for her to work and have a child.
I feel that it is much more difficult to sacrifice your career for
two years (I am an educated woman) for your baby. I feel that
being a housewife is more difficult, and more rewarding ... I feel
like she does not respect me ... I feel so unappreciated ... I am
planning to go back to work ... My husband says that I am being unfair
to his mom, that she does not mean to hurt me, etc. However,
after every conversation I feel like I want to cry. I feel like
I did everything I could to bring us closer, but with no reciprocation
... Help ...
DR Apter's reply: You need far more support than you are getting at present.
Perhaps you or a friend could explain to your husband how difficult
it is for a new-ish mother to hear that she is not doing the right
thing by her child. It may be true that your mother-in-law does
not intend to hurt you. On the other hand, anyone reading your
account of what she says would know that any mother would be very
likely to be hurt by what she says. It is important for you
to have confidence that what you decide about your child and about
work and about childcare will be based on good sense and good will,
and should not be open to criticism by your husband's mother.
Perhaps you should give up your need to be appreciated by her.
But your husband does need to show more appreciation of you, more
sensitivity to your need for confirmation as a good mother, and greater
awareness of his duty to support you when you are criticized.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My husband & I have been married nearly seven years. Here's
my mother-in-law problem: In the last couple of years, she constantly
whines to my husband on how she feels "abandoned" by her
family -- due to the fact we have massively busy schedules (graduate
school, full-time jobs, moonlighting jobs, etc.). We try to
call at least weekly, & visit her whenever time permits (she lives
about 3 hours away) ... Well, here's the problem: Each year, on our
anniversary in May, my husband & I plan a nice vacation (away
from everything!) ... Well, today, she asked if we were going to Las
Vegas in May (a place we've been several times). My husband
simply said, "Well, we just don't know for sure yet, but maybe."
... She then said, "This year, I think I'll join you." ...
Are we being selfish? Since my husband & I rarely have any time
together (due to the rough schedules), we try to "celebrate"
our anniversary in a special way each year ("just the two of
us" in a romantic way) ... Without hurting her feelings, how
can we cordially tell her that this vacation is special for the two
of us? Thank you for your help!
DR Apter's reply:
It is not selfish to want time by yourselves. Perhaps you cannot
make that clear to your mother-in-law without hurting her feeling.
But you can state your own position clearly, and then help her tolerate
her disappointment. If you and your husband work together, you
can be firm and consistent. Explain how important it is to have
time together, alone. You could also say that you will be thinking
of her and glad to see her upon her return. You could arrange
to visit her soon after her return. While you are away, you
could write or phone. She may sulk. She may be angry.
But if you stay calm, and thrust aside your own (irrational) guilt,
she will eventually come through it.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Dear Dr. Apter, This is the second marriage for my husband and I.
My husband had been divorced from his first wife for 4 years when
we got married. Little was said about the ex-wife, and I thought she
was out of the picture. My husband's mother acted like she enjoyed
my company, until the marriage plans were announced. There was
total silence when she heard the news. I have never been asked
when my birthday is, and have never received a card in 5 years.
My 2 children have never received birthday or Christmas cards or gifts
from my MIL. I sent his family Christmas presents and, this
year, his mother told us after Christmas that she was not buying for
us this year.
My husband's ex-wife is idolized by his family: (she works hard, she
has been described by them as a "pioneer woman", "perfect
mother"). My MIL would go places with the ex-wife and invite
her to holidays. She would buy her birthday presents.
One holiday, she invited us and the ex-wife. She did not think
we would attend, although she asked us. We got back early from
our trip and went to their RV. The ex-wife was there, so I waited
in the car while my husband went to say hi to his children.
The MIL came out and started yelling at me to get out of the car.
She accused me of being like another person she hates, and then denied
everything to my husband when he asked her later. She did not
know what he was talking about. She stated that she did not
do anything. She also said he should know how much he means to her,
and she loves him. The family would always make a point of telling
me how great the ex-wife is. I would not say anything.
One Christmas, after hearing this from 4 different people, I told
my husband that I was not going to take this anymore. What was
the point in his family bringing up his ex-wife to me? He went
to talk with his mother, and came home mad at me. From then
on, his mother would talk about his ex-wife in my presence, but would
refer to her as "no-name". My MIL also stated to him
that, "their family" has ex's at holidays. I know
this is not true, because my husband's older brother is divorced,
and his ex-wife is never around. The ex-wife is best friends
with my husband's brother's wife, and is over there a lot. The
ex-wife pretends she is so helpless with everything so she can get
everyone's help. She pretends she can not find her way to other
places, although she has driven on vacations to Dallas and Colorado
by herself. She has stated she loves my husband and would choose
to go back with him. He was the one who initiated the divorce.
I look like the unreasonable one. I don't know - maybe I am.
I have stated I do not feel comfortable being at family get-togethers
if his ex-wife is there. I also do not trust my MIL, and do
not want to be around her. Is this just a problem that all stepfamilies
encounter? Or, is my MIL just contributing to this? How
do I deal with this? I am so hurt by this. My husband
does not see the issue here, and just wants to ignore the whole thing.
His family sees me as the one causing the trouble, because they should
have a right to include the ex-wife if they want to. Help!
I do not feel any loyalty from my husband's family, and this is affecting
my marriage. My husband says he is loyal to me, but I don't
get that feeling. I think he is torn, and I hate to see that.
I am scared that his family will have such an influence on him that
he will choose to leave me.
DR Apter's reply:
Anyone would find your mother-in-law's focus and admiration on a former
daughter-in-law difficult. It seems that you are particularly
upset about it because you feel somewhat insecure in your marriage.
Try to realize that it is your mother-in-law and your sister-in-law
who speak so glowingly of your husband's former wife. Explain
to your husband that their admiration unsettles you because you are
afraid that he shares it. Ask him to understand that you need
a little more reassurance when his former wife is being praised.
He could show the family where he stands. When they praise his
former wife, he could take your hand, smile at you, offer a compliment.
In this way he could both support you and send a message that he does
not condone their praise of the former wife. He could do this
without confronting his mother, or arguing with her.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I know that this has probably been addressed before, but I feel like
I am at the end of my rope, and I need help. I have been married
for 2 1/2 years, and have a beautiful three month old son. I
adore my husband, but his mother is putting a strain on our relationship.
I feel so pushed around by her, and my husband seems to think, as
long as we keep her happy, we should be happy. She is not malicious,
but she continually oversteps the bounds of a MIL, and has no respect
for me. For example, she has shown up to visit with friends
at the house, either without calling, or by calling and saying, "We
are in the neighborhood," (this being when the baby was a few
weeks old). I feel pressure to, of course, have them over.
She has invited friends to my house for lunch and told me after she
invited them, and I am expected to entertain. I do not mind
seeing her with my husband, but I feel awkward spending time alone
with her, because it seems we have nothing to talk about. She
is the mother of 4 sons, and is clearly missing the company of a daughter,
yet for the 8 years I have known her now, I still don't feel comfortable
around her. She has made rude comments about my weight and looks
in the past. I have never made a disparaging mark to her, although
it is tempting, and I encourage my husband to maintain a close relationship
with her. She claims to him that she, "loves me to death".
He knows how overbearing she is, yet he expects me to "deal with
her" because I love him. I love him more than anything,
but I would not ask this of him from my family.
She is manipulative as well. When I was pregnant, she called
my husband in tears, complaining that I don't call her or spend time
with her. I was seeing her at least on a weekly basis, though
it was always with my husband there. We would go to dinner or
lunch. It was not enough. Then he tells me she is upset
and asks if I can spend more time with her . So, of course I
did at first, but I find the more I give her the more she wants.
At first, I felt obligated because I knew she wanted to see the baby.
But she is not deprived. She sees the baby at least once a week,
if not more. She is also very jealous of my family . I
am very close with my mother, 2 sisters and 2 sister-in-laws.
She has told my mother, "you can go now" when she arrives.
She called while my SIL was baby-sitting and said, "Well I could
have done it." She has told my husband, "Well I get
the baby before her sisters." My own mother can't
baby-sit alone because of her medical condition, and she feels the
need to constantly ask how well my mother can hold or care for the
baby. I am worried about this causing a huge crisis, because
I don't feel comfortable leaving the baby with her for any length
of time, especially at their house, because of their poorly-trained
(has bitten) dog. I feel like, I am the baby's mother,
and although my husband may not agree with me, he needs to back me
up. I have bouts of self doubt and feelings that I am
wrong. Even my own mother who, in the past, told me to
let it all go because "it is his mother" has been in tears
over what she is putting me through (obviously I have only given a
few gems from the chest). Please help me before this woman's
actions drive me to the breaking point.
DR Apter's reply:
Perhaps you could use your position as a new mother to open a conversation
with your husband about your needs and your frustrations. Explain
that now you have a child, and a range of new pressures and responsibilities,
that you need his help in setting boundaries between you and your
mother-in-law. Both of you could say that unexpected visits,
or visits by a number of people, are tiring and stressful. You
could say that at this stage of your life you need to keep visits
to a minimum, and will have to establish rules that they are by invitation
only.
I suggest you refuse to get involved in any arguments about which
grandmother sees the baby more often. You could try fending
them off by
saying how pleased you are that both grandmothers are so fond of your
son.
If you are not happy leaving your son with your mother-in-law, then
don't. It sounds to me as though you feel particularly fragile, perhaps
going through a mild version of that depression that affects many
women after the birth of a child. In this frame of mind, criticisms
and nagging are much harder to take. Suggest that your husband
lift some of the burden from you.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Hello. I will try to keep this question as short as possible.
I'm a successful person in all respects of my life, except with regards
to my relationship with my fiancé's mother. At one time,
his mother and I were extremely close, and spent all of our Sat mornings
talking (while her son was at work). When her daughter became
engaged, she became possessive and evil. She said terrible things
about her future son-in-law, his family, how they were planning the
wedding, money issues, & her daughter, and some of the things
her daughter was doing behind the future SIL's back. I began
to stop going over to her home, in order to stay away from her negativity.
Then, one day, a little after this, my fiancé and I got into
our first large disagreement. Basically, we were working completely
different shifts, and I was going to graduate school, so we had hardly
any time to talk. When we did, we did not discuss problems or
issues that were on our minds due to the short amount of time we had
together. Small issues grew large & we needed to communicate.
We were able to resolve all of our issues rather easily. At
least, until his mother got involved with the argument. This
woman did not even know my fiancé's side of things (& knew
nothing of mine) and had nothing to substantiate her mean comments
to me. She just went on and on about things that are none of
her business, and accused me of all kinds of crazy things, including
stealing an invitation to a party so she would not be there, etc.,
etc. She got into our finances, our engagement, my profession,
my education, my habits, & she even called me selfish & self-centered
(after I loaned her son $ 20K to get him out of debt). She was
totally out of line. The day after she got into our business,
my fiancee tried to have a discussion with her, which ended up with
him yelling at her. Since then, he has discussed/yelled at her
three more times about what she has done. I believe this is
also part of the problem, since he has NEVER raised his voice to her
before in his life (he was 30 at the time). He is very upset
with her, and has openly said that to those who hear about the argument
from the MIL. I feel better that I know I can count on him to
stand up for me.
One of many other strange things (I could literally write a novel)
is that, about 7 months ago she called up my fiancee (I wasn't home)
crying and saying how wrong she was, and that she wanted to apologize
to me, etc., etc. Then, nothing. No call to apologize.
When my fiancee talked to her about it, she said she then felt she
didn't have to apologize to me. Now ... our wedding is in six
months. She kept telling everyone that they had to do "exactly
the same thing" for me as they did for her daughter. Same
room for the shower, same invites, same gifts, same everything.
Even after I told her early on that I had different ideas about how
I wanted to have things. Who would want EVERYTHING the same??
Basically, she has major "control" issues. Because
I said I didn't want to do things "exactly the same", her
"friends", who were allegedly backing the shower, said they
no longer wanted to, & my future MIL yelled at my mom when my
mother called her to talk about things like an adult. Now, my
mother is out $600 because of my future MIL. I would hope she
would not back out on the small amount she has also offered to contribute
to our wedding, but I have to prepare for the worst, given this woman's
history. My fiancé, my family, & I do not deserve
the treatment we have experienced from this woman.
I have not let on to her that she affects me, and I have kept control,
but it is getting increasingly difficult. I even tried to get
her to see (w/us) a counselor that my F & I saw for premarital.
She insisted that she HAD to talk to the counselor first, and after
this conversation the counselor said, "It would not be a productive
visit." She even has her daughter (& her) going to
other family members, telling them her side of the argument
She is surprised that her son does not want to speak to her (but once
a month), and that he does not try to see her. Even though I
told him that I would go to any event he wanted to attend, I am the
"bad guy". At least I am not a doormat, and I have
my self respect. Do you have any advice on what my next steps
should be?? This really is a nightmare, and I thought I was
doing everything right. Please help!!! Signed - the
"Bad Guy'".
DR Apter's reply:
I know that you signed yourself "the bad guy" as a kind
of joke, a way of both using and rejecting your fiancé's mother's
view; but it is clear that your fiancé's mother makes you feel
as though you are the bad guy. The next step in your relationship
with her is to prevent her views of you from influencing you.
If you feel she is being interfering, then tell her as neutrally as
possible, that you do not wish to continue a discussion about these
topics. If you feel she is stepping in to control your wedding
plans, then say firmly, "That's not what I want."
I know this is far more easily advised than done. I would also
predict that you will have to say it over and over again. However,
it could be helpful to set boundaries from the beginning.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I happen to be of a different religion than my in-laws, who are not
very religious people after all. They know though that I practice
my own, and it is important for me. It bothers me, though, that
they never wish me happy holidays during my religious holidays.
During Christmas, however, they send me cards and Christmas cookies,
wishing me "Merry Christmas," and they call to ask me what
I would like for a Christmas gift. I feel awkward having to
explain to them that I very much respect their religion and their
holidays, but I am of a different religion. I keep thinking
that they probably mean well, and they just do it unconsciously.
I'll appreciate if you could give me some advice about how to handle
this. Many thanks.
DR Apter's reply:
Your parents-in-law probably do mean well, but if you feel uncomfortable
(and probably frustrated) by the way they ignore your religion and
pretend that you adhere to their customs, then you should speak out.
Perhaps you could explain that you appreciate their attempts to include
you in their celebrations, but your devotion to your own religion
makes you uncomfortable with that. Perhaps, too, as one of your
holidays approaches, you could inform them of this, and explain its
meaning, both in the context of the history of your religion, and
its personal impact for you.
DISCLAIMER: All advice on this website is for informational
and entertainment purposes only. All responses are from reader submissions
unless specifically noted otherwise (such as Dr. Terri Apter advice page).
We do not endorse any of the advice. We provide it to you as a service.
We can neither guarantee the soundness of the advice, nor make any claims
as to the outcome of following this advice. We provide it for your
entertainment only. Should you choose to follow any of the advice,
it is solely at your own risk. This is not intended to substitute
for obtaining advice from appropriate sources and/or professional counseling.
We recommend you consult an appropriate professional, counselor, and/or
a trusted advisor before taking any action based on this advice.
B A Squared, LLC and www.motherinlawstories.com make no representations or
guarantees regarding any information dispensed on this site.
Your privacy is important to us. Click here to view our
Privacy Policy.
