My question for Dr.
Apter is:
SHOULD I DIVORCE MY HUSBAND OR NOT?
Dr. Apter, I've been married for 3 years and just had a baby girl
7 months ago ... since my daughter was born, my in-laws have
created problems for me and my husband, and my family (my parents).
I met my husband in Europe 5 yrs ago ... he then came to live
w/ me and my parents (east coast U.S.) ... since we were still not
married, my parents were good enough to give him a room to sleep in,
food on the table each day, laundry, and my mother even lent
him her car. Anyway, I always respected his parents and
sister ... we called each weekend, I wrote them letters, sent
them pictures of us, etc. My parents even had them visit, and
offered them my parents' guest rooms, etc. My parents have done
so much for us ... I noticed my in-laws started changing after
I announced I was pregnant ... to make a long story short, the
DAY my DAUGHTER was BORN, my in-laws CALLED my parents to tell
them that they need to mind their business and stay out of their
son's and my life!!! They also went on to say that they
were never happy that their son came to America, etc. I was
devastated, and my parents were so sad ... my husband, instead
of reprimanding his parents, he agreed with them with everything
they said (mind you, I had all this pressure after I gave birth).
So I had a fight with them on the phone, telling them exactly
how I felt, and that I couldn't believe they were so mean and
unappreciative ... in turn, me and my husband have been fighting ever since.
I hate my husband for allowing his family to talk to me the way they did.
They told me that I don't deserve the "water I drink" and that my mother
is a "whore", etc. My husband never stuck up for me and my family.
So, 7 months later, I don't speak to them, he doesn't speak to
my family, and I refuse to let them see their granddaughter.
I am thinking about getting a divorce because I hate my husband
for everything that has happened. I am a family person,
and now I can't even spend holidays all together (w/ my parents and
my husband and daughter) all because HIS PARENTS BASICALLY GOT JEALOUS
OF MY PARENTS. I believe his parents are sick (especially
the mother) ... they were so distraught that he was in America
that they ended up hating everyone around him ... they told him
that he should divorce me. I just wish he would wake up
and see who the people are that really love him. My parents
don't even want to see him anymore either. I am under so
much stress. I am trying to find a psychologist to see.
I know my husband won't agree to counseling. He gets mad at
me for always "starting" with him. Just an example of how mean
my inlaws are ... they recently sent him a package from Europe of
something he requested, and they put in the package some chocolates
that he loves and a stuffed animal for the baby ... also a letter
to their darling son and stating to give the baby a kiss for
them ... WHO AM I? A WHORE THAT HE MET ON THE STREET?????
That is the kind of people they are though. My mom even tried
to call them to try to make peace "at least for the kids"
... and his mother hung up on my mother and told her to go to
hell (I'm trying to use a nicer word for what she actually said).
My husband won't admit that his mother is sick and mean (she
didn't speak to her own mother-in-law for 15 years). I have
a beautiful daughter, and I don't want her growing up in this
horrible environment ... me and my husband fight almost every
wknd ... he thinks all this doesn't bother me, but it does.
What do you think? What can I do? Should I leave him?
We already separated back in October for a month (my baby was
only 2 mos. old) and guess where he went after I kicked him out
(he went to Europe and stayed with his parents) ... I told him
not to come back, but he did.
Please write me back....I am in desperate need of some professional
advice.
Dr. Terri Apter Responds:
The question whether or not you should divorce your husband is not
one I can answer - but you raise so many profound mother-in-law issues
which I think I can help with. The worst problems seemed to
start with the birth of your baby girl. It was then that they
attacked your parents and told them to "mind their own business."
What they were doing, from their point of view, was to try to protect
your boundaries. That was, as it were, their "cover" for their
jealousy. Once they had a grandchild (which, after all, is how
they experience the birth of your child), the closeness of your parents
was intolerable. It's plain jealousy, and they did not express
it well - but it's also understandable. Let's look at what they
went on to say: that they were never happy their son had come to America.
What they are saying is that they felt abandoned. Perhaps they
had always felt that, but having a grandchild which would be closer
to your parents than to them triggered this behavior. They exclude
you from any mention in their letter because they feel excluded.
As you say, your mother-in-law does not have a good model of a daughter-in-law/mother-in-law
relationship. She did not speak to her mother-in-law for fifteen
years. She is probably terrified that the same thing will happen
to her. Feeling left out, they become angry and abusive.
In these circumstances a downward spiral is very common. They
become "mean and unappreciative", you become angry - and so it goes.
But if somehow you could respond to what's genuine and understandable
in their feelings, you could stop this downward spiral. Perhaps,
when they complain about your parents, you could say, "I really don't
want to hear anything bad said about my parents." But then you
could go on to invite them to share your little girl with them in
some way. You could write to them describing what she is now
doing, and say you hope they will be able to see her and develop a
relationship with her. They do not seem able to reflect on the
reasons for their behavior, or to control their anger - but perhaps
you can.
The second part of your story involves your marriage - as in-law problems
so often do. Your husband surely cannot agree with his parents
when they abuse you, but he probably feels such divided loyalties
that he does not know what to do. Each of you is depriving the
other of contact with parents, and this will lead to greater hostility.
I agree that some kind of therapy could be very helpful. An
outsider could allow greater communication between you. In the
meantime, you could aim for mutual understanding. You could
tell him that you understand he loves his parents, and that this is
a virtue in him - but you are his wife, and he should stand by you
when they attack you. Assure him that he can do this without
being disloyal to them. All this is happening at a very stressful
time for both of you. A young child is demanding and exhausting.
Try to find a time when you can explain all this to your husband.
I wish you the best of luck.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I love my boyfriend but really couldn't stand my future mil.
She doesn't treat me with respect, and she is just a grouchy old b*tch.
My boyfriend & I are saving money to buy a house this year.
But, every weekend, I go over to their house to spend time with
my boyfriend coz he said that his mom likes it when I go over there
to spend the whole weekend. But, I don't feel that she
really likes me being there, so she treats me like sh*t. Do
you think that she hates it when I'm there, and that her son will
be moving in with me in the near future, and is she getting insecure
about this whole situation? I would never want to live with
her & become miserable for the rest of my life coz she has a nasty
attitude, pls help me. Thanks
Dr. Terri Apter Responds:
I think your boyfriend's mother is finding it hard to share her son.
She feels threatened or jealous, so she takes it out on you.
Perhaps you could confront her with her behavior. For example,
you could explain that you feel she is "treating you like sh*t."
Try to focus on your response to her behavior without actually blaming
her. (Accusations tend to block communication.) Then ask her if there
is some way you can work together to solve the problem. If she
is forced to focus on her behavior, she may come to see how unacceptable
it is.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: What do you do with a MIL who is constantly lying and interfering
in your life? And if you call her on this, she will cry
and run to her husband and have him just ream you inside out.
It seems like she almost dares you to call her a liar or say
something negative.
Dr. Terri Apter Responds: Your mother-in-law is practicing a well-known family tactic:
she behaves badly, then shores up others to protect her when she's
confronted. I suggest you try fairly neutral ways of dealing
with her lies and interference. Don't give her an excuse to
cry (and arouse other's pity or protectiveness). Try to work
around them. If you don't believe something she says, ignore
it. If she tries to interfere, say as neutrally as possible,
"We're going to do it this way."
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I have a very interfering mother in law (surprise, surprise) and she
also puts me down every chance she gets. When I try and
explain to her son (my husband) that I don't like being put down
and told what to do in my own house, his response is that she does
it to everyone and she will never change. I don't think
I should put up with this all the time. I cringe when she just
pops over without calling first. What can I say to her to make
her stop telling me all the time how she thinks things should
be done in my house, without her son getting his back up?
Dr. Terri Apter Responds: Your husband is suffering from the familiar problem of divided
loyalties. He does not want to be critical of his mother.
He tries to smooth things over by asking you to understand her.
In this case, you could go directly to the mother-in-law and tell
her as diplomatically as possible that she must respect your boundaries.
You could say something like: "I'm very pleased when you visit, but
I do need to know when you're coming." You could also explain
to your husband that you understand he loves his mother and that he
is used to her, but that you need to set some rules in your own home.
Assure him that this can be done without heated arguments, and that
he will not be disloyal to his mother if he supports you. Together
you could work out a way of establishing home rules.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Here's the situation, (this could be more of an etiquette rule).
A couple of weeks ago, my husband and I went out with his parents
to a Chinese Buffet. During the course of the meal, I would
go up to the buffet "by myself." After the dinner, my husband
tells me that his mother considers this to be rude and thinks
that I should only get up from the table when my husband does, even
to go to the washroom. I think his mother's manners are quite
questionable; she talks with her mouth full of food, elbows on
the table, and brings up stories about bodily functions during the
meal. I believe I have fair manners and feel embarrassed to
have offended his mother's beliefs. Should I? Is
this a rule? How do I approach this at other outings?
Dr. Terri Apter Responds Different families have different rules about how to behave.
The problem is, many families think that their rules are absolutely
right. Your situation is complicated by the fact that your mother-in-law
does not confront you directly, but complains to your husband, who
then complains to you. I think you could explain to both of
them that if your mother-in-law has any criticism of your behavior,
then she should address you directly. Tell them both that you
are happy to hear what she has to say, but that this must be a conversation
- not something whispered behind your back.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
What do I do with a controlling Mother in Law? She insists on
controlling everything. What I think, how I raise my son,
my cooking skills, cleaning techniques, nothing is ever good enough.
Since I have had a son who is going on 18 months, my life has become
a living hell. My son chokes on everything, so what I feed
him must be monitored carefully. She gives him anything she
wants. He almost choked to death this past Christmas on celery.
I have no voice in my own home. Not to mention the fact
that she is the cheapest woman alive. She was doing a load of
laundry and took her clothes out and told me to put my dirty stuff
in to save on laundry soap. She said, "I can get 80 loads
of laundry done out of a 40 load box of detergent." How's that
for cheap? I sent her a picture of me (alone) without her son
to show her how much weight I had lost. And when I went
to visit her in Canada I noticed she used the frame with my picture
to display another picture. I was so hurt, but was always told
to never confront her, by my husband, because of the consequences
we all suffer when anyone crosses her. Is it okay for her
to belittle me in my own home, and basically call me a bad mother
and I am not allowed to speak in my defense? Actually,
I know the answer, but it does feel good to get this off my chest.
Thanks for listening.
Dr. Terri Apter Responds:
What strikes me most about your question is your statement: "I have
no voice in my own home." This must change, and I think you
can work to change it. First, the fear of her that your husband
has (he's told you there will be dire consequences if you cross her),
is his problem. To him, she is still a powerful mother.
But to you, she is simply a relative and you are the woman and mother
in your home. Focusing on the issue of your son's diet,
explains clearly and firmly that you have to control this. If
she belittles you, say, "I'm really sorry you feel that way, but unless
you have a specific complaint that we can discuss, I don't want to
be spoken to like that." Of course there may be "dire" consequences.
But show her that you are not afraid of her anger. She may be
so used to controlling others by fear. It's up to you to break
that pattern.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I'm about to get married in less than six weeks and have had
nothing but problems with my future MIL. Is there anything
that should be done or said to my fiancé before I take the big step?
My fiancé doesn't ever stand up to her; in fact, no one does in their
family. They've all told me to just ignore it. But
how do I ignore her complaining when it involves me and my child?
My MIL complains about everything and anything. She has tried
telling us what is acceptable at our wedding and what isn't.
She tells me that how I raise my child is not right, and she
knows what's best. But, to top it off, my fiancé feels bad about
what she says, and then he argues with me after every conversation
with her. She even gave him a guilt trip saying he's not
thinking of them and therefore should not be included in their will.
She will actually get on the phone and start a crying routine.
Whenever my fiancé and I make a decision about doing something
she will complain about it until she gets her way. I just don't know
how much longer I will be able to handle this before giving my fiancé
an ultimatum between her or me. What should I do?
Dr. Terri Apter Responds: Your fiancé's family is used to your future mother-in-law's behavior.
And perhaps they are afraid of her - a fear that is based on their
childhood need for her. You don't have to follow their way of
dealing with her. Her crying routines are manipulative, but
she probably is also genuinely hurt. Try to respond to her pain,
without allowing her control. You could say (or suggest your
fiancé say) "I see you're upset, and I'm very sorry. I don't
think you should be because we really are thinking of you."
But this doesn't mean you have to do things her way, and you can simply
say, "This is what I think is best for my child" (rather than "You're
wrong.")
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I got married in Europe seven months ago. My mother-in-law wanted
me and her son to stay with her for two weeks right after the wedding.
To top it all, she took all the money that people gave us at the wedding
reception and put it a bank account for my husband. She consulted
my husband and not me. She did send us the money to my husband's
bank account five months after the wedding. Her actions have
been bothering me for a while. I am afraid of what might be
in store for me with this woman. I cannot trust her anymore
after what she did. Many thanks for any explanations or suggestions.
Dr. Terri Apter Responds: This problem should be addressed by your husband - though he may
need your help in confronting it. It sounds as though he is
just letting things slide. After all, that's easier than arguing.
I suggest you say you are pleased the money is now in his account,
and that his mother eventually did the right thing, but that it makes
you uneasy that she takes control. This may seem like a small
issue to him, but you could explain that it's something that really
matters to you, that it's a symbol of interference and control, and
that it would be better for everyone if it didn't happen again.
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