My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I am an American, married to a German and living in Germany.
His family immigrated from Eastern Europe 20 years ago. The
family is very close. I, on the other hand, have always been
extremely independent. I have a good relationship with my parents,
but have never allowed them to meddle in my personal affairs.
Likewise, they have never tried. My MIL, however, meddles constantly.
They live 15 miles away. Before we got married, my MIL used
to visit my husband every week, do his laundry, and bring food in
little tupperware containers. Since we've been married (3 years
ago), the laundry has stopped (under protest from her), but the food-bringing
has continued, even though she knows I don't want her to. Now
I am expecting a baby next month. My husband, a doctor, has
been unemployed for 4 months. We had planned that I would stay
home (day care in Germany is very limited) and he would work.
His chances of finding a job without moving away are very slim, and
we originally agreed to move wherever he needed to, at least for a
few years. This possibility, of course, has upset the MIL, especially
because of the baby. She has laid a massive guilt trip on my
husband ("So far away ... but we wanted to help with the baby!").
First of all, "far away" is about 100 miles. Secondly,
the thought of her "helping" makes me want to cringe.
She is not nasty, like many MIL's, but I am not the type of person
who tolerates someone else telling me what to do. I am 35 years
old with 2 college degrees. My husband is 42. The main
problem is that now my husband suddenly doesn't want to move away,
even if it means he will remain unemployed. He claims he can
drive a taxi at night. This means I have to go back to work
full-time, although this was not what we agreed to. This means
I cannot nurse my baby, and will only see him when he sleeps.
He will probably see more of my MIL than of me. I feel like
my husband's family is taking my child away from me. When I
try to talk to him about it, he clams up, and either drinks a beer
or goes to the pub. He says I am the one with the problem.
I know this sounds terrible, but I find myself wishing my MIL were
dead.
Dr. Apter's reply:
I understand your reluctant wish for your mother-in-law to be dead.
In that way, you feel your husband would not be cowed by her wishes.
Difficult though it is, there must be another way. It is clearly
in your husband's and your long-term interests for him to be sufficiently
flexible to find a job that makes use of his high quality skills.
But to move, he must defy his mother's wishes. He probably drinks
rather than talk about it with you because he cannot focus on his
dilemma. Perhaps you could make this easier for him. He
needs a lot of support in confronting his problem. He needs
help in believing that he can act in his own interests, and against
her wishes, without really being disloyal to his mother. Perhaps
you could find some way of reaching him. He will probably avoid
confrontation with you, but if you assure him you are genuinely seeking
a positive solution, he may open up.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My husband and I have been married for 13 years, have 4 children,
and a great relationship. However, my children have never been
able to go to their grandparent's house because it is too messy.
Growing up, my husband could never have anyone over due to the messy
house. As you can see, this has been going on for over 20 years.
My MIL has a serious problem. I think she is an obsessive compulsive
hoarder. There is stuff piled up everywhere, and just a little
space to walk between all the crap! The thing is: I really start to
resent them when they visit us, because I have to do all the work
(get the house clean, make all the meals). I want my kids to
have a relationship with their grandparents, but I'm sick and tired
of waiting on them when I've been teaching school all day, and she
doesn't work outside the home at all. They see us twice a year,
live too far away to drive home, so must stay with us. My husband
does not want to suggest they stay in a hotel. They would be
insulted if we suggested that. It just about kills her to help
with a meal too. Also, my parents take two of my kids to stay
with them for 2 weeks each summer. My husband's parents have
never done this. They have never lifted a finger to help us
out, yet expect all the good things that come from having grandkids.
I'm just so tired of this. What advice do you have?
Dr. Apter's reply:
It seems that some serious compromise is necessary here. Your
in-laws are unlikely to change. In all probability, they do
not see themselves as having a problem. Perhaps, especially
as your children get older, they would be willing to put up with the
mess. Or perhaps you could find some neutral territory where
you could all visit.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Dear Dr. Apter, thank you for taking time to review my circumstances.
I'm a 36 year old American woman who, 18 months ago, married a 38
year old British man and moved to England. From the moment I
stepped off the plane, I've had difficulties with my mother-in-law.
At first, her meddling seemed mildly irritating. But, now it
is such a trigger for me, I am enraged. The first time she meddled
was: I was on my way out one day when I encountered her and a man
out in my garden. I asked my husband what she was doing, and
he said she was buying a new shed for us so that I could place a piece
of exercise equipment (which I had brought from the States) and exercise
out in this shed. Her and my husband were concerned that the
machine would crash through the ceiling if I exercised on it.
I found that to be very rude, since no asked me if I wanted to exercise
out in the shed in the garden, and neither I, nor the machine are
that heavy. I told my husband at that time, "Please do
not go to your mother to discuss and decide issues that should be
discussed and decided between ourselves." He agreed.
Since then, I have received gifts of stationary from her when we had
a big long distance phone bill. I have had countless discussions
with her in which she has brought up subjects from conversations I
had previously with my husband, even after I had asked my husband
to keep our conversations private between us. She has wrapped
up secondhand merchandise she has bought at boot-fairs and has given
them to other family members in our name for their birthdays.
She tries to monitor what we buy. She questions us if we bought
something new, i.e. where, why, how much, what for? She will become
visibly upset if we don't want something secondhand from her, and
we would like to buy it new. I tell my husband she belongs to
the shopping police - she thinks everything should be purchased from
a boot-fair. She speaks to me and my husband like we are children.
She never tells us how she feels, directly. She always speaks
in third person, and she always tells us something in story form,
and we are left like little boys and girls to figure out the moral
of the story. I can't help but feel really angry at her and
my husband. I feel like my husband is giving her the bullets,
and she is firing them. I feel that he is giving her the information,
the ammunition, to meddle in our affairs. If he would keep our
private lives to himself, then she would not be able to think where
to begin to meddle. He is always going to her for advice.
If my husband and I disagree on something, then he goes to her, and
then she will come back to me, and in story form will tell me why
she disapproves and disagrees. I feel that every time I want
something in my marriage, whether, abstract or concrete, I need her
permission. I'm careful what I say to her, because I'm so angry,
and I'm afraid it will come out too strong. I once had words
with her, but she denied it and came across as only being concerned
for my well being. She never tells me how she feels directly,
'cause all of her stories are in third person, and indirect of how
she feels. It is really hard to confront someone like this.
I'm so frustrated. My husband and I fight frequently.
We have rehashed this so many times, and it still reoccurs.
We have tried to stay away from her, but I feel guilty. She
is my 5 month old daughter's grandmother, so she has to see her.
But every time we reacquaint ourselves these things start to reoccur.
I don't like her myself, but I'm sure she wouldn't harm my daughter.
However, I do feel that if we don't resolve this situation soon, the
strain on my marriage and the relationship I have with my mother-in-law
will affect my daughter, because I am very seriously contemplating
divorce. I could go on to write a book on other mother-in-law
incidents, but I'll stop here. I was wondering if you could
recommend a book or some support? I would extremely appreciate
it.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It seems that though your mother-in-law is the focus of your problem,
a lot of the difficulties do involve your marriage. Clearly,
you have cause for anger not only towards your mother-in-law, but
also towards your husband who seems to betray your needs and your
confidence. In his mother's presence, your husband may lose
the ability to be appropriately loyal and discreet about you and interactions
between the two of you. A few marriage therapy sessions may
be able to improve the situation.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My future mother-in-law is having a difficult time letting go
of her 25 year old son, my fiancé, and I am worried about how
to go about gracefully cutting the apron strings. Although he
lives some 200 miles away, she calls several times a week and is interested
in affairs which I consider only our business. My fiancé's
family is extremely small and close knit; he grew up in the same town
that his mother did, and both of his grandmothers live within minutes.
My family is very large and spread out across the country. I
feel suffocated by the numerous emails she sends to me, and her constant
questions about the upcoming wedding; my own mother and I don't communicate
as much as my mother-in-law communicates with me. How can my
fiancee and I successfully let her know that we will want more privacy
than she has thus far been willing to grant us, once we are married?
Dr. Apter's reply: It sounds as though your fiancé is on your side and willing
to tackle the problem with you. I suggest you answer her emails
infrequently. If you find them particularly annoying, then just
skim them quickly for any essential information, and delete them,
without replying. Once you have established this pattern, you
could explain to your future mother-in-law that you would prefer not
to have daily emails. Once you set boundaries in one area, you
will have set an important precedent.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My husband and I have been married for 6 years (we're both in
our late 40's, no previous marriages). I am finding it exceedingly
difficult to accept the relationship my husband and his mother have.
My husband goes over to her apartment every Saturday (she lives 20
minutes from us) and does the cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. - takes
her for excursions - that part I don't mind, however. He also
phones her several times a day, every day (she does not have health
problems, she gets around very well, and she has a social life).
He insists that she comes on vacation with us (even sleeps in the
same bedroom as we do), wants her to spend the majority of weekends
at our house. My husband also expects me to pick up after her
when she is at our home (which I don't do - I politely ask her to
clean up after herself - sometimes it works). To put the icing
on the cake, she refers to my husband as her "baby boy".
I'm about ready to toss them both out on their fannies ... any suggestions?
Dr. Apter's reply: You have a lot of work to do, so I suggest you set yourself specific
targets, be both patient and persistent. The first thing to
keep in mind is that you are fully justified in setting limits to
the time and energy you give to your mother-in-law, and also, in this
case, that you are justified in asking your husband to do the same.
Perhaps you could make a list of things you/your husband do for her
or with her that are tolerable, and distinguish them from those that
are most distasteful to you. In a sense, you have already begun
that: the visits your husband makes are ok, but the phone calls are
intrusive. I suggest you insist that she not come on vacation
with you (if you don't want that). You could explain that you
want to have this particular vacation without her (rather than insist
that she never come on any vacation again). Also, you can change
your husband's expectations of how much you pick up after your mother-in-law.
You could say simply and calmly, "That's not what I see as my
job."
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I have been married for several years, and just had a baby.
My story is that my husband seems to be controlled by his family.
It got started 5 years ago when I introduced one of my friends to
my BIL. He started talking behind my back to my husband, telling
me that I was creating problems, and I am separating the family (without
any evidence of such act). The truth was that she was making
hurtful comments, and I decided I would ignore her. We argued
2-3 years over this issue, and clearly crippled our marriage and my
health. I left him after receiving yet another rude comment
from her, and my husband siding with her again. We got together
again because he agreed to change and seek counseling. After
a year of counseling, we decided to get pregnant. He no longer
was protecting his SIL, (I guess he figured out she was at fault)
but it seems that he is always looking out for the best interest of
his family. Regardless of what I say or do, he will do things
to make them (his two brothers and his mom) happy. The list
is endless, but for an example, he took his family to Las Vegas and
left me at home six months pregnant (a pregnancy with complications).
I have talked to him, his brothers, and his mother about this, but
they get defensive or just blow me off. His mother lives with
one of the sons at any given time, because she would be too scared
to live alone, and that by itself caused problems, because she was
always putting her nose into things and controlling the house/our
lives. I went back to work six weeks after delivery, just to
get away from her. These problems seem to be a common problem
among men and their weakness. However, I am very tired of defending
myself and my rights as a wife/equal partner. Could these behaviors
be caused by up bringing? Could he think that, since his mom had a
passive role, therefore his wife should do the same? Somehow I do
not think so, since it seems that she controls two of her three sons,
through her personal so-called weakness of not being able to stay
home, or guilt trips. My husband's father died 16 years ago,
and my MIL blamed him for his death, saying the distance caused his
death (my husband was abroad for college), but he really died of heart
attack. Again, the stories are endless of their control over
him, and he does not see it. We could argue for months, but
he does not see it until he they act unkindly or unjust. Even
then, he will take their side until he gives up, or will go ahead
and let them do and say as they wish. It seems like an endless
circle of guilt, manipulation and control over my husband's lifetime,
and consequently mine. His response is, in general that it is,
"none of your business," or, "I want to do it this
way." Talking to my in-laws is meaningless. There is little
communication outside of, "How was your day," and, "How
is life?" They do not seem to respect women, and their position
in their husband's life, but everything evolves around my MIL's needs.
What is the truth? Does he want a passive wife that would take anything
they dish out. I have told him I can not handle these types
of behaviors, but, again, it seems the manipulation does not stop,
and he falls for it every time. What can I do? Is there hope?
Is there any end to this type of manipulation? I am very tired, and
I want to get on with my life, instead of waiting to see what she
wants to take now: his time, his money, his relationship with his
wife ...
Dr. Apter's reply: This does seem like something that has to be negotiated with
your husband. You can explain that it is your business because
his behavior with his in-laws affects you. Whether or not he
expects his wife to be passive, you are now his wife and he should
learn to listen to your needs. Are there some situations in
which he does listen to you? Is there any way you can see of opening
up the doors of communication? He may, at present, be reluctant to
find out how you really feel because he is afraid of criticism, or
afraid that acknowledging your feelings will create a dilemma for
him. Would it be possible for you to go with him into counseling
again to address these specific matters? I agree that talking to your
in-laws is unlikely to get results. Persuading your husband
to appreciate your perspective is the best route to resolving these
problems.
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