My question for Dr.
Apter is: I am about to be married in 5 mos., and my fiancé and
I do live together already. His mother has come to us (knowing
he has a lot of debt, and that we are saving for our own wedding)
and asked for $150. He does not have it, and it would essentially
come from my pocket. I have only known her 6 mos., and she has
2 other daughters and 4 other sons besides my fiancé
I have also found out why she hasn't asked them. It is because
they have told her "no more" after seeing how unwise she
is with her money. Do we sacrifice our savings, or paying off
debt, to give her the money, when even her other 6 children won't
give because they have had enough? (I think she asked us because
I am new to her game, and my fiancé is the most tenderhearted
of the bunch.)
Dr Apter's reply: I rarely give straightforward advice about what or what not to
do, but in this case I would strongly suggest you learn from your
mother-in-law's other children and say "No". It is
unlikely that she will handle it more wisely than she has handled
money in the past. Though it may seem to strain your relationship
with her, it will probably make it easier in the long run. Your
husband may need some reassurance that you are not rejecting his mother
by refusing her request, but acting for the good of everyone involved.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My husband of three years is an only child. My MIL seems
to go constantly back and forth between my not being good enough for
her son, and wanting me to call her "Mom". I'm not
comfortable with either. My own mother passed away 6 years ago
when I was just 21, and if I could ever contemplate calling anyone
else "Mom" before that, I certainly will not now.
MIL knows how I feel, but persists. Hubby tries to tell me its
a British/Scottish thing, but I'm not fully buying it. On our
mutual birthday (how I HATE that happenstance), MIL gave me a knife
(OK, a letter-opener) and proceeded to go into a half hour diatribe
about how, when SHE first got married, she called her MIL at least
once a week. As far as I'm concerned, that's her son's sole
responsibility. I'm a junior associate at a major law firm working
70 hours a week, and I struggle to find the time to keep my relationship
strong with my husband, and squeeze in time every once in a while
to talk to my dad and sister. My husband is pretty good about
seeing his parents regularly, but that isn't enough - if I'm not there,
comments are made, and if I do show up, I get the pleasure of her
constant barbs. MIL keeps a perfect house, and also works outside
the home. She will come over to our house and start tidying
things, even though I make a point of never letting her see it when
it's actually messy. I resent this. MIL also likes to
make negative comments about my family, my job, what we spend, or
anything else that comes to mind. She can't go five minutes
without launching into criticism. Which is why I don't have
any inclination to hang out with her and call her "Mom".
Hubby says she's just like that, which is true - she also constantly
belittles her husband and criticizes her son - but this makes it no
more endearing. The final thing is the relationship between
my in-laws. They've been married for over 30 years, but they
carry on a running sparring match like they hate each other and keep
secrets from each other, in particular about finances. This
has created problems for us, because his dad will borrow money from
us (or, once, my dad) and not tell his mother, who then accuses us
of being financially irresponsible because, "Surely you ought
to have saved for a house by now." Hubby will not countenance
any comments made by me about either of his parents - he'll always
retaliate with an attack on my family, usually my flighty and sometimes
irresponsible younger sister, and her outstanding loan (which I gave
her out of my personal account, and which is smaller, by far, than
the perpetual loans we have to his dad out of joint funds - I really
do believe we owe it to our families to help financially where we
can - it's the SECRECY I hate). Most of our fights (which are
fairly infrequent) are about our families. He doesn't deny that
his mother isn't always very nice to me, and that it's a bad thing
that his parents aren't open with each other, but he just doesn't
want to hear about it, and reads that I'm saying my family's better
and my parents had a better marriage (and frankly, I do think that).
I'm paranoid about little signs that he's picking up on their way
of relating to each other, like when he stays out late with "the
boys" even though he and I have way more common interests, including
the very things he's doing with the boys - watching football, etc.
His parents make every effort to avoid each other socially, except
for weekly movie dates and trips to the market. What do I do
about any of the above? I've gone on and on, but if you want
to pick even part of this to comment on, I'd be truly grateful.
DR Apter's reply: There are a number of different problems here - many of them
common themes in in-law relationships. Your mother-in-law herself
probably does not know what she really feels towards you. Perhaps
she wants to feel close to you. Perhaps she thinks she does
feel close to you. On the other hand, you probably pose a threat
to her as someone who has more control of her finances and a strong
career and a greater sense of independent worth. It is those
assets which she tries to undermine by criticizing you. It seems
that your husband is reluctant to voice any criticism of his parents.
He may benefit from your assurance that you will not reject them by
criticizing them. (You could offer your willingness to help
them financially as a sign of your commitment to them as family.)
He may be persuaded to understand that you simply need him as a sounding
board for your discomfort at their behavior. You could explain
that you are willing to respect them, and consider them as family,
but not as you would a real parent. Also, you could remind him
that his mother does need care and attention, and therefore he should
be the one to phone her.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My MIL likes to lay guilt trips on my husband (he's 38) all the
time. If it's not about how he has to enable his addict brother
(he's 40), then it's about how he has to be there for "the family"
(which means his parents and his brother) when they need him.
Lately, it's been that she feels that she doesn't get to see the grandkids
enough (they are 3, 4, and 8). She also feels that the only
time she does get to see them is when we need a baby-sitter (apparently
she resents this). I'm so fed up with her. She sees our
children just about every other week, sometimes every couple of weeks,
and rarely does three weeks go by that she doesn't see them (this
includes holidays, birthdays, and get togethers). What's interesting
is that when we ARE there, she spends her time around me and my husband
rather than the children. What's even more interesting is that
MY mother just about only sees them when we need a baby-sitter and
NEVER complains, NEVER says she doesn't see them enough, and actually
spends less time around them. I'm so frustrated with my MIL
and the guilt trips she puts on my husband!!! Are we doing anything
wrong here? I'd really like your advice on this.
DR Apter's reply: You might try asking her precisely what she wants (instead of
listening to her complain about what she doesn't get). When
she does complain, you could ask her to make a specific request, and
then discuss whether or not to accommodate her. This may assure
your husband that you are responsive to her. My best guess is
that her actual requests for specific meetings will be far less than
her general complaints.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I just need to vent, and maybe get some advice. My brother-in-law
has been living with us since Christmas. He moved here from
the west coast to "get his life back on track", get a fresh
start in a new place, etc., etc. Mind you, my husband and I
are newly married, in our early twenties, and this is his older brother
- in his thirties. He was supposed to stay with us for just
a few weeks, which has obviously extended into months. He pays
nothing - no groceries, no rent, nothing. This is a problem
enough on its own, but the problem that has me irked lately is this:
he is a LARGE man - 450 lbs plus. He does very little when he
is not working, aside from sitting and watching TV. In the process
of doing this, he is breaking all of our NEW furniture - I cringe
every time he sits down or moves in my new chair as it creaks and
cracks. I can't imagine that he does not realize the damage
that he is causing. What am I supposed to do?? Tell him
he has to sit on the floor? We just bought our first home, and
do not have any extra money to be replacing brand-new furniture!
He is moving out at the end of this month, but will still be nearby,
so it's not like my furniture would be safe even after he is no longer
living with us. HELP!!!!
DR Apter's reply: Perhaps you could sacrifice one chair and designate it "his"
and direct him to it whenever he visits. At 450 pounds, he should
be aware of the effect his weight may have on furniture.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: Dear Dr. Apter, I feel like I am going to explode. My problem
isn't just with my MIL, but with my husband's whole family, practically.
I don't know how to describe the problem accurately, but I will try.
Any decision that my husband and I make is scrutinized and analyzed
by the members of his family. We are constantly being told if
we don't do "this", then "whomever" won't be coming
for the holidays, or won't be speaking to us. I am so sick of
it!!!!!! I am sick of trying to please everyone except myself.
I am outraged that my husband tolerates this treatment. I am
sick of subjecting my children to the constant silent treatment routines
that my husband puts up with. The things that his family gets
mad about are either very childish, or just plain none of their business.
The best part is, once the family member is done being mad at us for
something that was none of their business anyway, then we are expected
to just smile and act like nothing happened. I think that this
behavior is sick, but my husband is so used to it it doesn't phase
him. I don't know what to do. Should I speak up to these
people myself?
DR Apter's reply: Yes, you should speak up to your in-laws, but most importantly,
you should be assured yourself that what you feel matters, and that
you can trust your own judgment and that you should brush aside the
fear of others' disapproval. I'm well aware that this is more
easily said than done. It is hard to tolerate relatives' disapproval
and it often seems easier to try to please and placate them.
In the end, it is far better to accept that they will sometimes be
threatening and that they will sometimes sulk, but that you should
do what you think best. If your children see you withstand your in-laws'
disapproval, then they will be less daunted by it.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: Dear Dr. Apter, My fiancé's parents and mine are going
to meet for the first time in June. We are supposed to have
dinner with them and my fiancé's stepmother, and then later
all attend an engagement party. All of our parents, to varying
degrees, have the habit of subtly and not so subtly putting us down,
which is something both of us have recently started coming to terms
with -- meaning we're still quite sensitive about it, and not always
equipped to deal with them effectively. With my parents, it
tends to happen much more in private (usually it's during one-on-one
phone conversations, as they live several states away) and I've addressed
the problem with some success. His parents tend to be more public
with their comments. His mother is the queen of the subtle put-down
... but given that her comments are often veiled, they are easier
to ignore. (Not that that's always the way they should be handled.)
His father, on the other hand, is much more aggressive. He'll
make fun of my fiancé, call him names, all in the name of "good
fun". He's the kind of person whose so-called humor has
a very hostile edge. During one extended-family dinner, he dredged
up stories about my fiancé's past that put him in the worst
possible light and made everyone at the table extremely uncomfortable,
to the point where my fiancé's grandmother had to put a stop
to the storytelling. Naturally, sometimes parents tell stories
about the wrongheaded things their kids used to do, but believe me,
his demeaning tone makes the difference. It was all I could
do not to leave the table. His father almost never fails to
work in some cutting remark about my fiancé that we're supposed
to view as jokes. I am dreading a repeat performance at the
upcoming dinner, yet feel powerless to halt it. We rarely see
his parents beyond holidays and birthdays as it is, and, as you can
imagine, there's already a lot of underlying tension surrounding our
relationship with both our parents (his live much closer by, however).
I have felt like confronting them for a long time, but have put it
off, and now that the wedding is upon us and both parents are contributing
substantial amounts to it, I feel like I can't make waves. I
am curious to know how I/we should handle it if his father acts up
during the dinner. (by the way, my fiancé does his best
to tune the abuse out, but I know it affects him, and it certainly
affects me). I would appreciate any advice you could offer.
Signed, Dreading It.
DR Apter's reply: It is good that you and your fiancé share awareness of
your respective parents' strategies for putting you down. This
common experience (though implemented differently in each family)
may be part of what has brought you together. The best way to
handle the put downs is on a case by case basis. For that reason,
I would not recommend that you confront them about their habits.
In all probability, they would declare that they did not know what
you meant, that you were imagining things, that you were oversensitive
or twisting their words. Therefore, your best strategy is to
address each put down as it come. You could ask, pleasantly
but firmly, "What are you actually saying?" You could
show, by body language or facial expression, that you definitely do
not think that your father-in-law's "jokes" are funny.
You could even tell him, quietly but directly, that you find such
remarks painful. You could make this easier for your father-in-law
by assuring him that you understand that he does not mean to be hurtful.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My MIL has not yet adjusted to the fact that her only son is
now married. My husband and I were married six months ago.
From the time we came back from our honeymoon, my MIL has made it
very clear that she wants to be a very important party in our marriage.
She arrived at our house two days before we did, and she insisted
that she be given a set of the house keys in case of emergencies.
She told me how to carry out simple household chores as if I had no
clue whatsoever how to carry out simple tasks. For example,
how to heat food in the microwave, how to wash the toilet bowl, how
to operate the washing machine. She even told me how to dispose
of sanitary napkins!!! I related things to my husband the moment
she did or said anything that struck me as odd, but he brushed them
aside saying that I should not take offense, my MIL did not mean to
belittle me, and they were only trivial things, don't be so fussy.
He even told me, "And, how would people know you know the proper
method of disposing sanitary napkins?" I am at a loss of
what to do. My MIL visits every three weeks, and every time
she stays for around ten days. She did not even want to ask
us first if the timing of her visit is convenient. In her opinion,
parents can drop in any time. The first thing she does when
she arrives is to check if the house is properly maintained.
She checks our wardrobe, went through our clothes, went through my
husband's correspondence. I kept mine locked. She stripped
our bedsheets and sent them to the laundry, even after I told her
that I preferred to wash them myself. After that episode, my
husband would complain that the bedsheets that I washed in the washing
machine looked dirty. My husband and I cannot have any intimate
relationship whenever she's around because she goes in and out of
our room even when the door is closed. She even entered our
bedroom one early morning while we were sleeping. She was quite
embarrassed when I woke up, and shouted at me to wake up one hour
before I planned to get up!!! The problem is that my husband
does not see that what my MIL is doing is not acceptable. He
even kept quiet when my MIL told me, "I will not allow you to
ask my son to do housework. If you can't manage, I don't mind
if you get a part-time help. But you must be at home to watch
her. And you must not ask her to come on Sunday morning. My
son has to sleep on Sunday mornings." After I failed to
get my husband to tell my MIL not to interfere in our marriage, I
brought up the issue with my MIL herself, because I just could not
stand it anymore. The day after, we had our talk, I never raised
my voice at her, even though she was shouting and hurling insults
at me - my husband accused me of making my MIL's blood pressure shoot
up and her hands to shake. I feel that there is no hope of my
husband and I ever being able to form our own family unit with him
being so closely tied to his mother. Please advise. Thank you.
DR Apter's reply: This is a classic mother-in-law problem. I wish it were
as simple to solve as it is to recognize. There are two problems:
your mother-in-law needs to be taught to accept boundaries, to respect
your privacy and acknowledge your competence. But your husband
cannot accept giving her (or allowing you to give her) the necessary
lessons. Instead, you are positioned as the harmful one because
you are trying to prevent her from harming your marriage. Can
you talk to your husband and assure him that you are not trying to
reject his mother and that it is not disloyal for him to show his
mother that he does have a private life with you?
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I can't stand my in-laws. I think that they make excuses
for everything. My MIL and FIL are divorced (in a really nasty
divorce). I know this is a MIL page, but I have a question about
my FIL. My FIL was accused of sexual molestation of his daughter
and another little boy (about twenty years ago). Although he
was never charged, there was significant evidence against him, and
he has admitted some of the accusations are true. I was told
this prior to really getting to know him, and it really painted a
negative picture for me towards this man (not that it shouldn't have).
Now, my husband and I are talking about having kids (we have none
now). Under no circumstances will he be allowed to see our children
without either my husband or myself around. I want to be far
stricter, I want him to attend a treatment program before having any
access to my children whatsoever. I believe he is capable of
molesting again. My husband disagrees. He says that my
FIL will not sexually abuse again, and that giving him supervised
visitation is harsh enough. My husband says my FIL will not
attend treatment. My FIL feels psychiatrists and psychologists
are rip offs. Well, maybe taking his grandchildren away will
be inspiration enough. Am I being too harsh, or is my husband
right to give my FIL the benefit of the doubt? Other than my
hatred for his father, my husband and I get along just fine (he doesn't
get along with him either, but he feels he has to try because it's
his dad).
DR Apter's reply: It is very difficult to assess the risk your children may face
since so much time has elapsed. However, your measure of comfort
is very important, and you could explain that you need your father-in-law
to attend a program because only then would you feel comfortable with
him seeing your children, even on a supervised basis.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I have been married for almost a year, and my husband and I have
discovered that his father was previously married over thirty years
ago and has two other sons! My FIL made light of the whole situation
and refused to give any explanation as to why he has not seen these
sons in thirty years. My husband is devastated, because he cannot
believe that his father would hide something like this from him for
so long. My MIL has had nothing to say except that, "It's
your father's life, and it happened before he met me."
These are her stepsons! My question is, I have tried to locate
these brothers and have had very little luck, since they were adopted
by their mother's second husband. Should I continue to search
for them and let them know that they have a half-brother? Or
let them live out their lives and not bring all of this back to the
surface again? Part of me wishes to show that we acknowledge
them and would like a relationship, but the other part of me wonders
whether they would even want to hear from us after being abandoned
by their father. Any suggestions you could provide would be
greatly appreciated.
DR Apter's reply: Women are sometimes called the "kin-keepers" of the
family, and I can see why! You seem the one person who wants
to forge links with your husband's half brothers. There is no
hard and fast rule about what you should do. The best approach
is to find out what your husband wants. Perhaps he is still
too upset by the revelation of a family secret - or perhaps dealing
with the real people involved would help. It would also help
him to have you listen to him - and I'm sure the involvement you clearly
feel is a comfort to him.
DISCLAIMER: All advice on this website is for informational
and entertainment purposes only. All responses are from reader submissions
unless specifically noted otherwise (such as Dr. Terri Apter advice page).
We do not endorse any of the advice. We provide it to you as a service.
We can neither guarantee the soundness of the advice, nor make any claims
as to the outcome of following this advice. We provide it for your
entertainment only. Should you choose to follow any of the advice,
it is solely at your own risk. This is not intended to substitute
for obtaining advice from appropriate sources and/or professional counseling.
We recommend you consult an appropriate professional, counselor, and/or
a trusted advisor before taking any action based on this advice.
B A Squared, LLC and www.motherinlawstories.com make no representations or
guarantees regarding any information dispensed on this site.
Your privacy is important to us. Click here to view our
Privacy Policy.
