My question for Dr.
Apter is: I am a new mother with a six-month old baby. My in-laws
are struggling in their marriage (my father-in-law is having an affair),
and there are also problems with alcohol. However, my child
is the first grandchild, and both of my in-laws want to see her whenever
possible. They have expressed that they "love the baby
more than anybody else," and they act funny, almost jealous,
when my mom or my family spends time with our child. When my
husband and I went away for the weekend, my in-laws wanted to call
my mother to make sure the baby was alright. How insulting!!
Aside from this, my mother-in-law wants regular visits with the baby.
While, at times, it is nice for me to run errands, I don't like feeling
that I have to accommodate her. I will be home from work for
the entire summer, and I know that my MIL will want to come over at
least twice a week. I have come to feel very resentful of her
and her ambition to become the "favorite" grandmother.
Her comments are hurtful to me, especially since my mother continues
to work, and does not have the extra time that my MIL does.
My MIL often ignores me, and doesn't look at me when I explain things
concerning the baby, and this all hurts my feelings also. Then
again, sometimes she can be very nice and thoughtful of me, and then
I think the problem is just me. Every time I try to explain
my feelings to my husband, he says that I am "ridiculous",
and that his parents are just being grandparents. The whole
situation is difficult, because I feel like a real jerk. I try
to set boundaries, and I don't understand why my husband wants to
be so attached to his parents. Sometimes, I get so frustrated
that I can't see the marriage lasting if this continues. I get
very upset when my MIL buys things for the baby, because she keeps
them at her house. She has a whole room set up for the baby,
and she anticipates the day that I will work full time! This
all seems strange and almost obsessive to me, because we don't even
take the baby over to my in-laws that much. I cringe at the
nick-name she calls the baby, and feel jealous when she tries to teach
the baby certain cultural baby games. What is wrong with me??
I know that it's not healthy for me to dwell on issues, because I
have become a very resentful person. I continue to act pleasant,
but I really wish that we could move and gain some healthy distance.
My husband's entire family is now getting to me. I strongly
dislike and resent the things they do with the baby without asking
me. I can't stand it when they take my child out of my arms
without asking. I can't stand the pushiness, and I hate how
my MIL insists on doing things to "help" me, when all she
really wants is private time with the baby. Please help me to
learn to deal with my personal issues, or the issues of my in-laws.
I honestly don't know if the problem is my own, or if it is the fault
of insensitive in-laws.
Dr Apter's reply: In many ways you are going through very common day-to-day struggles.
You are trying to answer questions about how much distance you need
from others, how much understanding you should have from a husband,
how to deal with other people's unreasonable expectations, and how
to assess one's own fairness to others. These may seem overwhelming
now because you are also dealing with a six-month old baby, and, possibly,
some post baby blues. I suggest that you tell your husband that
all this is too much for you at the moment and that you need his help
in easing some of these burdens. You can explain this in terms
of your own condition at present, so that he won't feel you are attacking
or criticizing his in-laws. Perhaps together you could work
on practical changes that might help you. Perhaps your in-laws
could visit only once a week, or make their visits shorter.
Be firm in explaining to your husband how much some of these things
bother you. They may be insignificant to him, but he is not
dealing with the physical and hormonal stress of having recently had
a baby.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: Did my wife and I make a mistake in kicking my in-laws out of
the house when they "crashed" the party on my parent's visit?
Background - My MIL and my FIL dropped-in unexpectedly on my wife's
birthday. They had to drive a day and a half to get to our home.
We have two small boys, ages 1 and 2. The only problem is that
my parents, who see the boys maybe twice a year, were supposed to
arrive the next day. My parents had planned their vacation around
everyone else's visit two months in advance. The house was not
ready, and even my wife was caught off guard. With two babies,
hosting four adults would make her crazy, especially with no warning.
Long story short - My in-laws claimed that dropping-in was only part
of an extended vacation along the coast. We "encouraged"
them to continue, and to give my parents some space to enjoy the grandkids
(my in-laws visit about every 3 months). Now, they are upset,
and they eventually drove hundreds of miles home in a huff.
The underlying motivation to drop-in was my MIL's insecurity about
sharing her grandchild with another grandmother. Her STRONG
personality would never blend well with my mother, who would try not
to get in the way, and would feel resentful in the end. My wife
and I felt like someone's feelings were going to get hurt. Do
we just grin and bear it? My wife and I both agreed on our decision,
but her parent's anger makes us question whether we did the right
thing. Respectfully yours, Just Wondering
Dr Apter's reply: Sometimes when we defend ourselves and our family against other
family members' presumption, we have to take their anger. I
suggest you let it run it's course, and communicate with them in a
friendly way. You could phone or write or email, and fill them
in on ordinary family news, and assure them that you hope they will
visit again at some mutually convenient time. If you always
try to avoid their anger, you may end up always doing what they want.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My MIL has never liked me, or had an interest in my children.
She has never attempted to have a relationship with my kids.
And, for the 5 years that she told us to stay out of her life, she
never once sent them a card or called to speak to them. She
has always treated us unkindly, my husband included. When they
found out his dad had cancer, his mother didn't even call to tell
him. We are not allowed to call them. If our number shows up
on their caller ID, they don't answer. However, she will throw
fits, saying we don't let her see the kids, and that we don't come
around enough, etc., etc. Most recently, she planned a big Easter
dinner for his family while we were in town, and did not mention this
to him. He found out by mistake, and was still not invited.
They drive past our town on their way to visit his grandfather and
brother, but do not call or come by and see us. I guess my question
is this: Are my children and I obligated to go to her house and be
subjected to her abusive treatment? I have tried for years to
be kind to her, but she doesn't want to be nice, so I feel it is useless.
Any advice would be helpful.
Dr Apter's reply: It sounds as though your in-laws themselves do not know what
they want from you. It is probably time to give up trying to
please them.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: What do you do with a MIL who is constantly (24/7) finding dangerous
situations that our children can come across, and potential diseases
that she tries to diagnose? My MIL can find an illness with
one of my 3 children if we leave her alone with them for 2 minutes.
Help!!! How do I tell her she is not their doctor?
Dr Apter's reply: Perhaps you could thank her calmly for her observations and tell
her that if you continue to be concerned you will take them to a doctor.
Be consistent in giving her the message that you are the one to gauge
whether there is reason to be worried.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: Please help! My husband and I have been together over 7
years, and married almost 3 years. He is 31 years old and I
am 33 years old, and we have no children. Our problem is his
family (mostly his mother and father). They are control freaks!
They constantly use guilt, lies, manipulation, temper tantrums, time
control, and any other childish technique they can dream up to get
their way with EVERYTHING! Additionally, they are horrible people
to be around. In 7 years, I have never heard either of them
say anything nice to each other. Their marriage is a disaster.
They are very immature, and seem to lack the understanding that their
son is married and is an adult (and a very capable one at that).
Any advice on how to stop this ridiculous behavior? We are at
a complete loss. Ignoring them doesn't work. Standing
up to them and saying no just makes them more unbearable. And,
my husband and I refuse to let them walk all over us anymore.
Please, any advice you have would be greatly appreciated! We're
both at our wit's end! Thank you!
Dr Apter's reply: I suppose it would help to take each problem as it arises.
Think about their strategies for manipulating you, and make sure you
don't give them more than you want to. When you find you have
successfully avoided a request or demand, then congratulate yourself,
explain what happened to your spouse, and do it again. You could
also decide how much you are willing to see them, and make sure you
stick to that. If necessary, write it down beforehand, so you
can see whether you gave in to them, or stuck to your plan.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My MIL always interferes. If she has a problem with me,
she cries to her son, who in turn yells and accuses me. That's
1 problem. Second, my hubby and I just got married 1 month ago.
My MIL did not think her table at the wedding was close to ours, so
she just walked out. In the beginning of our reception, she
just walked out. Now she is blaming me for seating her two tables
away. She said my mother was closer then she was!!!! She
is sending letters demanding an explanation RIGHT AWAY! I had
a family member do the seating arrangements. I did not do it.
Anyhow, she is trying to turn this around on us. I told my dear
husband that she is the one who needs to explain, not us. She
is bad-mouthing me to all his family. He is VERY hurt, and so
am I. We are stuck in a hard spot. We have not talked
to his mother since the wedding (1 month). How are we supposed
to handle this? PLEASE help!
Dr Apter's reply: I would ignore her demand for an explanation and just write to
her telling her you wanted her to be at the wedding and you are sorry
she was disappointed by the arrangements, but that you hope she will
nonetheless share the pleasure of your marriage. More importantly,
try to make sure your husband understands what is happening when he
shouts at you after she comes sobbing to him. He is probably
trying to fix the problem for his mother, but he should be made aware
that he will cause problems in his marriage. Explain to him
that you do want to find a way to handle his mother, and that you
hope together you can find a way. It will be much easier, however,
if he offers you support.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I am trying as hard as I can to accept my mother-in-law for who
she is. I really can't complain too much about how she treats
me - she basically treats me the same as she treats her own children.
Unfortunately, the way she treats her own children is a little shallow.
She mostly views her role as providing clean clothes, but not making
any attempt to know or understand the real person. Anyway, I
think that the reason I am having problems accepting her is that I
cannot help but compare her (unfavorably) to my own mother.
My mother passed away when I was a teenager. We had a very good
relationship, primarily because she was such an amazing person.
She was affectionate, creative, supportive, and intelligent, among
other things. My mother-in-law, unfortunately, has very few
of those qualities. In fact, her life is so limited that all
she can talk about is cleaning (which I do ask her about, if only
to have a topic of conversation!). I honestly feel a little
sorry for her, so I really feel guilty about disliking her.
I am not sure of what to do.
Dr Apter's reply: There are two problems here: your disappointment in not finding
your mother again, and your guilt at not liking your mother-in-law.
As long as you treat your mother-in-law decently, as you seem to be
doing, and appreciate that she is responding to you according to her
limited abilities, as you seem to be doing, then there is no cause
for guilt. It will probably take a lifetime to get over the
loss of your mother.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: How do I handle parents/in-laws that don't get along? My
wife and I have been together for 14 years (married for the last four).
I have a good relationship with my MIL, as does my wife. She
gives us plenty of "breathing room", even though she lives
less than two miles from us. Her phone calls to my wife can
drive me crazy, but I suppose that's better than the alternative.
Being the oldest child of a divorced mother, my wife has developed
an inseparable bond with my MIL, due to the difficulties they have
endured together over the years. As for my relationship with
my parents, it can be difficult at times, due to my mother's need
to control. She feels the need to make decisions for us which
can be embarrassing, seeing how liberal my MIL can be. My parents
also live less than two miles away. During the 10 years I dated
my wife, my parents showed little interest in my future MIL.
With all their children (and grandchild) in close proximity, my parents
had plenty of quality time with all of us. Problems started
to surface, since my sister (and her family) and brother both moved
far away. Upon their exit, my wife and I were now the sole family
members left in the immediate area. Suddenly, all the attention
was placed on us from day to day. With the lack of loved ones
close by (my mother no longer spends time with her side of the family
due to her relationship problems - they too live less than 20 miles
away), my parents have tried to develop a relationship with my MIL
and her family. My MIL has been invited to my parent's house
on at least six occasions over the years, and has turned down every
invitation during that time. My parents feel rejected by my
MIL, and feel as if my MIL must hate them. I have never heard
my MIL speak a bad word about my parents, however, there must be some
reason she avoids them. An added point is that my MIL is a divorcee
who lives check to check, and my parents are the polar opposite.
They are financially comfortable and retired. This is possibly
very intimidating to my MIL. This situation has deteriorated
over the past two years. I have made strides to try and mend
the relationship between the two parties. When my parents helped
us with a down payment on a house, my MIL suggested we all go together
to see the house, and then she wanted to buy dinner for my parents
as a thank you for helping her daughter purchase a home. My
mother was furious and refused to go saying, "For 10 years I
was turned down by her, and now she wants to be my friend?"
I feel that my mother was mad because my MIL was trying to establish
the relationship on her terms. A difficult thing to swallow
for such a controlling person as my mother. Two years have passed
since that dreaded day. I explained to my mother that all my
MIL wanted to do was express her gratitude, for helping her daughter
purchase a home, by buying dinner. She denies that she heard
that dinner was a part of the plan. The reality is that she
had no control over the situation. It wasn't HER plan, therefore,
she wanted nothing to do with it. As a result, my MIL, SIL,
wife, and I went alone to see the house without my parents.
Once again, my mother ruined what potentially could have been one
of the greatest moments in my life. I hated the house for some
time after that, knowing the pain she inflicted in the process of
purchasing it. The twisted thing is that she accepts no blame.
As far as she is concerned, it was my MIL's fault. I suppose
she accomplished her goal. At another occasion (a holiday) my
parents and in-laws were invited to our house for dinner. A
stressful meal for me turned horrible during dessert. After
a relatively calm dinner, the subject of my mother's pending retirement
came up. She spoke in pride of her 20+ years of service, and
turned to my MIL, who will work for many years to come (no secret
there), and said, "Boy, you probably won't be able to retire
for another 30-40 years at least, huh?" I just sat there,
stunned. I couldn't believe she said it. Here I was trying
to mend fences, and all she did was tear them down. I don't
think she wants a relationship at all. She won't even do it
for me! As an added bonus, we are expecting our first child
in 5 weeks! Is there anything I can do to repair this relationship,
or is it up to my mother??
Dr Apter's reply: I think it is now up to your mother. She clearly feels
the need to remind your mother-in-law of her subordinate position
- that is probably why she refused to accept the offer to take her
out to dinner. A baby may offer the opportunity of a reconciliation,
or it may create more problems. But for now, you have done all
you can.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I put up with my MIL for 12 years (7 as a DIL). In that
last year, my BIL divorced (80% because of my MIL). It was his
10th anniversary that year! His wife couldn't take any more.
It was then that I realized I wouldn't make it to my 10th anniversary.
Other than my MIL, we had a very good marriage. But, my MIL
was enough to destroy it. Out of respect, I never honestly discussed
my MIL with my husband. But, when I told my husband how I felt,
he told me that he felt the same way! We spoke with family counselors,
our pastor, friends, and family about this. Everyone agreed
with us. As a result, we decided that she could no longer be
a part of our lives. It was the best decision we ever made!
My husband's (half) sister disowned us over this. She wrote
us a very nasty letter, and said she didn't want anything to do with
us until my husband changed his mind and "did the right thing".
My husband said, "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree,"
and that he wouldn't be manipulated any longer. The problem
is that now my BIL has stopped communicating with us. My husband
hasn't spoken with him in months. We sent him a Xmas card and
gift, and there was no response. He didn't contact my husband
on his birthday. We sent him a birthday card - still no response.
The other day, we received an invitation in the mail from my BIL's
neighbor. It was for a party celebrating my BIL's upcoming wedding!
We knew nothing about it! My husband said he would not attend
the party, and probably won't attend the wedding because, "Obviously
we're not welcome, even though we've done nothing to him!"
He won't call his brother to discuss it. He feels he has tried,
and now it's his brother's turn. I thought maybe I should call
my future sister-in-law and speak with her about it, because I hate
to see this happen. This is my husband's only true brother,
and they had a great relationship until we stopped speaking to my
MIL. Any advice?
Dr Apter's reply: Your brother-in-law probably shares some of your husband's feelings
towards his mother, but is so uncomfortable with them that he has
turned against his brother. It might help for your husband to
try to approach his brother, and say that he has made the right decision,
that you are both much happier now, but that he appreciates his brother's
loyalty, and he certainly values the relationship with his brother.
This may not work, but it seems your best shot.
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