My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I would be so grateful for some good outside advice! My MIL
didn’t really like me from the start. She is usually nice to
my face, but even when my husband and I were dating she would have
pretty nasty discussions about me with the entire family (even him)
after I left. When we told his parents we were getting married,
it was like announcing that my husband had a terminal illness.
However, I just smiled and played nice regardless (but it sure would
make me feel better to get some sort of apology). The problem
came when my son was born. She completely ignores a great deal
of our wishes for him. I even invited her to stay with me a
week while my husband was on a business trip because she was depressed
about how she might not get to know my son very well, since she
lives four hours away. At the time he was an infant, only three
months old, and the doctor told us (as well as all of the books) that
covering them with blankets was a SIDS hazard. So, instead,
I dressed him warmly and comfortably at night. Every morning,
I would go into his room to get him, only to find him covered in bulky
blankets. One morning I found him tangled up in one, crying!
I was outraged, but I did not want to cause problems (even though
my husband and I had told her EVERY visit that we did not cover
him up and why). So, instead of confronting her, I began to
hide every blanket in the house when she came to visit. (She
only sleeps with a sheet, so this was possible.) We have another
rule about candy, we just don’t feel it is necessary or beneficial,
once again going on our doctor’s advice and the advice of books we
have read. Our fifteen-month-old son has no idea what candy
and sweets are, and instead he absolutely loves fresh fruit and veggies,
which we are thrilled with. However, whenever she comes over
she gives us the standard lecture about how we can’t keep candy from
him forever, and she always manages to feed him something that I object
to. Sorry to ramble, I just wanted to give you a little background.
Last year was my son’s first Christmas. We opened all of his
gifts from Santa on Christmas morning, and Christmas afternoon my
mother in law arrived with twice as many things as we had purchased
for our son. Also, very few, if any, of the toys had any educational
value. And there were several things that weren’t age appropriate
(i.e. a backpack for a five month old?). We are not as financially
well off as my in laws are. We have purchased all of my son’s
Christmas gifts for this year, and my MIL, as well as my parents,
asked for a list of things that we would like them to get our son.
So, I gave them a list (I would never have done so if I hadn’t been
asked) of the things that my husband and I felt he would really be
able to use and learn from as well as things that we had room for
in our rather small house. My MIL said she was going to spend
about fifty dollars, and my mother did too, so I made sure they each
had about the same number of things as well as the same price.
My husband also talked to my mother in law and told her that we wanted
Santa Claus to be the main event on Christmas morning, and that we
were asking both sets of grandparents to please not buy more than
four or five gifts (which I feel is more than enough). We strongly
feel that we don’t want our son to be spoiled and too materialistic
(which will be quite a challenge as it is). However, my mother
in law is very materialistic. She honestly lives life as if
she believes that "the one with the most stuff when they die wins".
My mother in law is not an outright mean person, she is mostly kind
to my face, and I really don’t care what she says or does behind my
back, but I do mind her constantly ignoring my authority as a parent.
We would love so much for a little cooperation every now and then.
Anyway, I found out from my sister in law, as well as from my mother
in law, herself, that she is planning on bringing just as many gifts
this year as she did last year, and even a stocking for him filled
with more gifts. I don’t want to have to be mean. My husband
says he will try to talk to her again about this, but I don’t know
when he will. I thought about suggesting that she send some
of the gifts ahead of time for him to open and then there wouldn’t
be so much at Christmas, but is this rude? Not that it is polite
to override parental authority all of the time, but I don’t want to
be impolite. She is the kind of person who gets hurt feelings
at the drop of a hat, so that doesn’t make matters any easier.
I would truly like to have a good relationship with her, and I have
this small hope that if I were to just sit her down and tell her,
point blank, that she needs to abide by our wishes regarding our son,
that everything would get better. I am living in fairyland.
What do you think we should do regarding this Christmas? Should
we let her show up one more time and then absolutely put our foot
down? Or should we suggest (or politely insist) that she send
some gifts ahead of time, or save some for after the holidays?
Thank you so much for all of your time!
Dr Apter's reply:
Your mother-in-law is probably unaware of her own hostility towards
you. She wants to relate to your son as though you did not exist.
It may be difficult to persuade her that this is impossible,
but you could begin by setting out clear (and not too drastic) guidelines.
Your own suggestion of asking her to send some gift ahead, so
that you can distribute them when you see fit, is an excellent
one. In this way, you remind her that, however generous she
wants to be, you are the one with a mother's authority.
I would persist in setting out minor reminders of this.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My husband and I have an 18 month old son who is being taken care
of by my MIL, who lives with us. This is a temporary situation
until he is old enough to go to pre-school or kindergarten.
My MIL is NOT evil, manipulative, or controlling, i.e.. not your stereotypical
MIL. She proves to be of tremendous help (cook, clean, laundry)
to my husband and me since we both work full-time. My problem:
I am constantly feeling guilty about the sacrifice that she's making.
She is still relatively young (late 40's) and had a life before she
offered to take care of our son (she, my husband and I did not want
to put my then 12-month old son in day-care). After 8 months
of living with her, I still do not feel comfortable being in the same
room with just her by myself. I do not feel like making conversation
with her. When she goes out, I always dread the time when she
comes home. Let me repeat this: She has done nothing to
provoke these feelings of mine. Yet, after a long, tiring workday,
I do not look forward to coming home. I miss my son during the
day, but I still feel the need to stay away longer until I know that
my husband is home already to provide a "buffer" for me. I feel
like we have "company" all the time and I have to be on company mode.
I am exhausted and resentful toward her and my husband because of
the guilt. I feel that it is my sole responsibility to make
her life comfortable, active, and fulfilling because she has sacrificed
greatly in order for me to pursue my career.
Please, please help me understand and resolve my tormented feelings
toward my MIL, who is a saint (no sarcasm intended). Signed,
Evil Daughter-in-law
Dr Apter's reply:
It might help you to be aware that many grandparents are looking after
their grandchildren, and taking them (and sometimes their parents)
into their own home. This results from new working patterns:
not only do more women work because they value a career, but also
they work because family support often depends upon two incomes.
So you are not being selfish or presumptuous: you are simply
a woman of your time. Most grandparents feel they benefit from
this role. They enjoy being useful to their children, and
they enjoy the special bond with their grandchildren. I
hope that easing the guilt will help you relax - but it often is difficult
to relax in someone else's home. However, for the time
being, this is your home, too. If you cannot relax at home,
your stress and fatigue will increase. Try to find something
that does relax you. Perhaps you could explore the effect of
relaxation exercises. In any case, give your own comfort priority.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My husband and I have been married for 4 yrs. My MIL was
kind until the day my husband and I told her we were going to be married.
Since the marriage 4 yrs ago, my MIL has been inviting my husband's
ex-wife and his children to family get-togethers, and not my husband
and me. My husband and I would gladly bring the children to
these family functions. She attributes all the problems to me,
since before our marriage everyone was one big happy family, even
with my husband's divorce from wife no. 1. Help! Am I
wrong to think that, as a new wife, that the 1st wife doesn't have
to be at all family functions?
Dr Apter's reply: Anyone reading your question will see the answer immediately:
No, you should not have to tolerate the presence of your husband's
former wife at every family function. Unfortunately, your
mother-in-law's sense of what's right is what is now governing
your family's sense of what's normal (in this particular area).
I would challenge it directly, and simply state that this is
not something you should have to deal with.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
This is not a question, as there is NO way for you to resolve my "problem"
with my mother-in-law. My problem is that she is dead now, and
I miss her very much. She was probably one of the dearest mentors
and one of the dearest friends I have had. I expect you get
many negative mother-in-law submissions, and I just wanted you to
know that some of us have/had wonderfully, loving, adult relationships
with our mother-in-laws. Thanks.
Dr Apter's reply:
It is good to be reminded that mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law
can love one another.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I wrote to you about a month ago, about how badly my in-laws have
treated me, then how badly they treated my daughter, who was left
handicapped after an illness. You explained that they want to
distance themselves from the pain of having a handicapped grandchild,
and that their behavior is not a reflection on me or my daughter.
But I would like advice on how I should act toward them. Currently,
I never want to speak to or see them again; but they are my husband's
parents, and he loves them. Is it unreasonable for me to state
that neither I, nor my daughter will ever go back east to visit them?
They are welcome to come out here, and stay in a hotel, but not with
us. And my husband is welcome to go back by himself. How
can I overcome my feelings of hurt and resentment toward them?
It seems that I will have to see them eventually, and I'm not knowledgeable
on how much should be expected of me in this disaster of a relationship
with my in-laws.
Dr Apter's reply: As long as you continue to feel so hurt and offended by their treatment
of you and your daughter, you should not feel obliged to visit them.
After all, traveling for you both must be difficult, and if you
are not treated well when you arrive, there is little point in putting
yourself out for them. How you overcome your resentment is a
difficult question to answer. Maybe you could see whether your
in-laws show any greater responsiveness towards you and your daughter.
If so, you could build on that.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My boyfriend and I are from different countries, and met while we
were both studying in the US. We are very much in love and have
a wonderful relationship, and when his studies are finished we made
plans for me to move to his home country so that we could continue
to be together. Unfortunately his mother does not agree.
She is convinced (having met me only once, briefly) that I am terrible
for her son, and the relationship is doomed. We are both in
our 30's, and approaching this relationship with a huge amount of
maturity. And yet she insists on undermining us on every available
occasion. My boyfriend went ahead to start his new job, so he
is now in the direct line of her fire, and I know it is upsetting
him a lot. I am packing up to move, and feel so sad - she is
getting more and more desperate as the move approaches, because I
think she can feel her control slipping away. My boyfriend loves
his mother and doesn't want to lose his relationship with her, but
also realizes that she is being irrational and interfering in this
situation. How can I best support my boyfriend and tolerate
his mother once I am on her turf ?
Dr Apter's reply:
Your mother-in-law's hostility may be resolved in time when she sees
that the relationship thrives. In the meantime, you can
offer your boyfriend support by showing how much you appreciate
his loyalty to you. Sympathize with his difficult position,
and assure him that he can continue to love his mother, even
while he has to resist her interference. Perhaps you could both tell
her that you want a good relationship with her, but you need to feel
that she is willing to give you, and the marriage, a chance.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I got married 9 months ago. My mother in law lives with
us because she is a widow and she has been unemployed for the past
year. At first she had a job so my boyfriend and I were thinking
of moving in together (getting our own place). My husband has
been with her since his father passed on. All of a sudden one
day she came home and gave us the news that she had lost her job.
She always gave me a strange vibe, but I got along with her relatively
fine. However, somehow I ended up feeling bad for her and moved
in. The bad vibe came true ... We don't get along. I feel
now that was the worst mistake I have ever made. I can't even
stand to be in the same room with her. I have a feeling she
feels the same way. I just don't understand why she doesn't
get a job. Two months ago we decided to stand our ground and
move out ... We moved alright, but she came with us. She is
so manipulative. I don't know what to do? My husband doesn't
want to live with herm and of course neither do her 4 other grown
children. We have one year of school left. I decided I
would go through one more year until we graduate, but it is so hard
for me. I don't know what to do to make sure our plan follows
through and she does not end up getting her way, AGAIN!!!!!!!
She is not, by any means, disabled. She is surely even more
lucid than I am. I feel like she will destroy my marriage.
The resentment grows each day. HELP!!!!!!!
Dr Apter's reply:
I think you need to clarify for yourself just how your mother-in-law
manages to get what she wants even when you take steps to avoid
this. How did she manage to move in with you immediately
after you moved out? Observe her tactics, and when you see what
they are, you will be better equipped to stand firm. Also
observe yourself, and at what point you are likely to give in
to her.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I have some really big problems with my mother-in-law. I'm not
sure where to even start!! We got along fine for a the first
few months that my husband & I were dating. However, when
we started getting more serious about each other & started spending
more time with each other, she seemed to get jealous & turn on
me. First of all, she wanted to hang around with us all the
time. There were times when we would literally spend an entire
weekend with her because she would guilt my husband into taking her
with us ("I'm old & alone" comes up quite often). Now, I
really have no problem with spending some time with her, but this
was ridiculous. We could not even sit down & talk to one
another because she was always around. So finally, we started
"weaning" ourselves off of her. My husband told her that we
need time alone together. She put up a fight for several weeks,
& actually threw temper tantrums over not being included in everything,
but eventually she finally got over that. However, now she seems
to hate me, & I think it's because she feels that I took her son
away. One thing that you should know about her, too, is that
she has an anxiety disorder & sometimes has panic attacks.
She went to the hospital in May because she had heartburn & worked
herself into such a frenzy that she convinced herself that she needed
to go to the hospital. She has done this before. Personally,
I think that she needs some counseling for this, because she is constantly
worried about minor things that no one else would worry about.
For example, we went out to visit my parents one day. She could
not get a hold of my husband on the phone, & so she sat around
all day worrying about him. She eventually called me at my place
to "track him down." She always wants to know where my husband
is, & he has tried to explain to her that he is an adult
& does not need to check in with her every day, but she does not
understand why he finds it irritating for her to call all over town
looking for him. I'm not sure how to handle this myself.
Dr Apter's reply:
Unfortunately this is a common pattern. Casual girlfriends are
tolerated, but not a serious one. It is also common for
a daughter-in-law (or fiancée) to be blamed for any ensuing distance
between mother and son. However, it would be helpful to all
of you to make it clear to her that your lives will not be governed
by her anxiety. She will have to deal with her own panic attacks
and worries. If they are unrealistic, then she should learn
how to manage them (as you say, probably counseling would help).
But, perhaps if she realizes they are not going to be effective, they
may subside.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Recently I tried to explain to my mil how I felt. I wrote her
an email and explained that she often says and does rude things to
me. I then asked her to treat me with the same respect she would
a friend or neighbor. She attacked me for writing it.
She says I "misconstrue" things, and that I am "sick" and in serious
need of help. My husband and I know that isn't true. My
husband says she has always been the type who says things without
thinking first (plus she likes to party and, when drunk, gets really
mean). I really think she crossed the line with me by saying
I was mentally ill, and I really doubt if I will ever want to be around
her again. Is there ever a time when it is ok to finally cut
someone out of your life? As of now my husband says we aren't
having anything to do with her. But lets face it, she is his
mother, and in time he'll want to see her. Where does that leave
me? I have never been so attacked in my life, and I do not think
I could ever forgive her for it!
Dr Apter's reply:
It is very painful when we voice a legitimate complaint and in turn
are accused of mental imbalance. It sounds as though all
positive communication has broken down. Perhaps you could
keep your distance for a while, but continue to communicate by letter
(not email) and send her cards and photos just to show you are
staying in touch. If things go smoothly for a while, you could
then open up direct communication.
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