My question for Dr.
Apter is: I appreciate your time and help in this matter. My MIL
has a horrible relationship with me, which she will not admit.
I moved to my husband's very small town, far away from my own family,
when we married after college, 5 years ago. I miss my family,
friends, and normal life, but I have tried to make the most of my
new home. My MIL favors my SIL and my brother's brother.
The SIL is probably a lot of the problem also. I am a very religious
person, and feel you must forgive others. All I want is a relationship
with my MIL and the rest of my husband's family. I have tried
time and time again to express this by telling her that I would like
to communicate and share my life with her. But, she just stares
at me and says, "I don't see that we have a problem."
This is strange, since we live one mile apart, and she speaks to me
on Christmas only! She even told me not to come to her house
again if I felt she didn't like me. She talks about me to others,
and she has NEVER called me. I need family here, and even when
my grandfather died, she didn't call! She and my SIL plan showers,
dinners, etc., for family members, and my husband and I are not invited.
We have not visited his family gatherings but once since we have been
married. They made it so difficult to be there that we just
decided it would be easier for all involved if we didn't go anymore.
Not one time has anyone called or expressed that we were missed.
It is almost like they are glad they have run us off from the rest
of the family, and they are satisfied that we have no relationship.
I feel like it is all my fault because my husband suffers from not
having a family. I am very successful, and my husband is very
successful. I just can't seem to make her happy. Do you
agree it is a slap in the face when you approach someone ready to
forgive them for hurting you over and over, and they refuse to admit
there is a problem?
Dr. Apter's reply: You are clearly prepared to offer her real affection, which she
rejects. That is bound to be painful. It seems time to
lower your expectations and find support elsewhere. Perhaps
it would help, also, to ask your husband how he feels. Does
he want to speak to his mother? He could approach the problem
in a positive way by asking her advice as to how together you could
improve this important relationship.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: Do you think it is all right to completely cut my MIL out of
our lives? My MIL has done nothing but try to destroy our marriage
and happiness. My husband has finally agreed to keep her away,
but I'm worried that he will eventually feel overwhelming guilt, and
need to have a relationship with her again. As for me, I don't
usually allow destructive, abusive people in my life, but everyone
says you should make an exception for "family". As
a psychologist, do you see long term ramifications for my husband,
psychologically or emotionally, if we get rid of his mother?
He seems fine with it, and says she has caused him nothing but grief
since he was young. He says she has played mind games with him
his whole life. I'd happily end the relationship with her, but
I know how psycho she is - she won't quit harassing us, ever.
I also don't want my husband to suffer in the future, although he
does seem fine with it right now. Personally, I'd love to keep
that terror (MIL) out of our lives. What do you think?
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Dr. Apter's reply: Expelling a relative from one's life is difficult, and rarely
successful. It could be more effective to try to put some distance
between you. Since you experience the relationship as destructive,
it seems important to manage this. You could waylay your own
guilt by leaving the door open, if she happens to change her behavior.
Until then, you could insist that contact be kept to a minimum.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I think that my MIL is jealous of me, and she has no reason to
be. My FIL and I have a lot in common, interest-wise (sometimes
I think even more than I have with my husband). I find him to
be a very interesting man. And, when my husband and I are visiting
them, I tend to spend the most time talking with my FIL. Besides,
the rest of my husband's family doesn't really talk with him.
They usually talk to him. They are very self-centered, and tend
to not listen to what he says. I feel badly for him, because
he is a very interesting person, and a man with lots of knowledge
and wisdom, but nobody seems to value that. A while back, my
FIL mentioned to me that one of our favorite artists was having an
exhibit close by. Since then, we have been planning a day trip
to see a few museums, and we have really made a day out of it.
At that time, my MIL made a snide remark in front of everyone about
how she didn't want to end up on the Jerry Springer Show because of
my FIL and me. I could not believe she said that. I felt
so badly for my FIL. Nobody, including me, said anything to
her about that comment. My husband said she was just joking,
but she is the type that uses humor as a defense. Then, just
yesterday, we saw them again and she made another remark right in
front of everyone. My FIL and I were discussing our plans again
when she made the comment, "I won't lose my marriage because
of an interest in photography." Again, I was shocked, because
she was so blunt. My FIL ignored her, as did I. I think
it is rude for her to make these types of comments. I want to
confront her. But, at the same time, if no one else seems to
care, I don't want to start anything as well. Any advice would
be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Dr. Apter's reply: It seems to me that your mother-in-law's comments are so upsetting
because they are indirect, rather than because they are too direct.
In this way, one person can interpret her words as a joke, while another
takes them to heart. You could try asking her to say outright
what her fears and concerns are. You could explain that you
yourself do not know how to take her comments and want to understand
them and, furthermore, that you want to clear up any misunderstandings.
She may be more realistic if she is confronted in this way.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We have
an 8 month old, which is my MIL's 1st grandchild. And, my MIL
insists on planning our child's future by stating things, like the
idea that she is going to spend every summer with her, and she is
going to play the piano, etc. And, in doing this, she never
asks our permission. I know that it will be a while before our
child will be able to do any of the things that she suggests, but
I really feel as if she is interfering, at times, and is a little
overbearing. How can I tell her, in a nice way, to bag off -
this is our child?
Dr. Apter's reply: It might be useful to remark that your mother-in-law's plans
are a fantasy. You could tell her that you understand that these
imaginary plans stem from her love and also remind her that the details
will have to be worked out with the baby's parents,
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I have been married for less than a year, but my domineering
and money-obsessed MIL is making me feel that I should never have
gotten married in the first place. She made it a rule for me
to visit her every SINGLE Sunday. I am to go there before 1pm,
and not to leave before 7pm. I grew up in a family that respected
my freedom. And, being an extrovert, I felt suffocated by her
demands. Despite that, I just accepted her rules. Week
after week I went to her house and listened to her gossip about other
people, including my SIL (I think she lacks integrity). I got
really frustrated, one day, when she got upset with me when I left
a little earlier (at 4pm) to go back home to prepare a proposal for
the next day. I figured that, since she was having an exclusive
game with her friends, she wouldn't mind me leaving a little earlier.
I was wrong! She got really upset and asked, "what is so
important" about my job? She then reminded my SIL and me
that Sundays are reserved for her ONLY. This is so infuriating.
I wasn't out to have fun. I was doing work, and I only left
at 4pm! Three weeks later, I had a gathering with some of my
old friends in the University. Needless to say, she kicked up
a big fuss again. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life
like this. My MIL is also extremely obsessed with money.
There are just countless examples of her greed. To name a few:
1. She calls up whenever it's my husband's payday and demands for
20% of the pay. When we first got married, we asked to cut her
allowance by 5%, as we are heavily burdened with bills. She
got angry, and questioned how come a dual-income family like ours
can't afford to give her 20% of the pay. 2. She called my husband
in his office (the first morning after she came back from a 3 month
trip) and asked for New Year's money (she was away on the trip during
New Year's). She even called up my SIL's mother and asked if
my SIL gave her any money, and she complained about my SIL's spending
habit to her mum! 3. She also likes to specify amounts, and
asked for more than what we can afford. She will ask us if we
have bonuses at the end of the year. And, if we say yes, she
will ask for "her share". We usually give her 20%,
but she will say, "Can I have $X,000 more?" 4. We
bought an insurance policy which writes us a cheque for a small sum
of money every alternate year. She reminded us that we have
not given her HER share of the payback. And, she even got my
SIL to remind us again the next day. She does not even help
with the payments! We borrowed 3 thousand from her to buy some
shares. When we sold the shares, we returned her the money plus
another $2000 more. She said that was not enough. She
wanted an additional $1,000! 100% interest! That's better
than being a loan shark! She is driving me nuts! I do
not mind giving her the money. I just dislike it very much when
she keeps asking us for money, when she knows very well that we have
barely enough to feed ourselves. She is effectively saying,
"You can starve, but I want my money." She has more
than enough to spend, as all of her 4 sons give her 20% of their pay,
plus bonuses, special occasion cash, etc., etc. I don't think
she deserves to be a mother. She does not even care for her
own sons. She just sees them as financial investments.
I don't know what to do with her. I just keep doing what she
wants me to. It has come to point where it has become unbearable.
Dr. Apter's reply: It seems that, because you are accustomed to living among people
who respect your freedom, you have not yet developed the skills for
protecting your freedom. Your mother-in-law's rules do not have
to dictate the way you spend your time. She will kick up a fuss
if you resist, but this seems a small price to pay for your freedom,
and for generally challenging her right to control you. I suggest
you take charge and tell her when you are willing to come, and for
how long, how much money you are willing to give her and when.
She will try to make things very difficult, but she is clearly dependent
on you and your husband in many ways and she will in the end accept
the conditions you put on the relationship.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: The relations with my ILs has always been difficult. My
husband is their only child. For the birth of my first child
(their first grandchild), my wish was to be alone with my husband,
and not to get visits the first week (in order to recover).
My husband did not agree with that, and my ILs were in the hospital
(but they couldn't enter the delivery room) for the childbirth.
My ILs remained for one month with us afterwards, although I had to
start working again 2 months after the birth, only. This has
been a real nightmare, because they were continuously giving advice
on how to handle the child. Having them around is a real stress
for me, because I always have to fight to have them respect me.
My MIL is especially difficult. She is constantly doing things
that I don't want, without listening to me. I want to stop this
from happening again with my second child, but I feel powerless, because
my husband thinks that it is good to have his parents around, even
at the hospital! The only solutions I see for the next child
are to lie to my husband about the date of the full-term (my ILs live
far away - since they work, they have to plan all their visits) and
hide somewhere with my child after birth. But, I don't feel
comfortable about this. In fact, neither my husband nor my ILs
have respected me in this story. Luckily, my husband respects
me for all other aspects not involving his parents. What is
your advice?
Dr. Apter's reply: It is sometimes easier to lie than to present a fair and rational
argument, but for your long-term well-being, I think it will be useful
to take a stand. Somehow you should persuade your husband to
listen to you and to accept your needs. He may think it is important
for family to be around at the birth of a child, but does he not also
think that it is important to meet your needs? If not, you have
another problem in addition to your in-laws. But, hopefully,
your husband will come to understand that your wishes matter too.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I do not know if you have ever had a case like mine. I
am not an American, but I am an Asian (where MILs tend to live with
their son and his wife). Although I am lucky that, till now,
I did not have to live with her, she still creates problems for me.
She is a widow, and has raised my husband with a huge sense of responsibility.
She is working and earning well. She raised a family on that
income, but now she expects a payback. My husband does not understand
me when I tell him that he does not have to be constantly worried
about her 24 by 7. He gets angry with me, and tells me that
she is his responsibility, etc. (she is not in a wheelchair or old,
but working and earning). She tells lies to my husband, and
tries to break his relationship with my parents so that, eventually,
I will have to do the same. You have to understand that, in
our culture, we are not supposed to run to our parents if we have
problems with our ILs, and we are supposed to bear it and try to adjust.
This does not mean that my husband does not love me or does not defend
me. My MIL learned this (that he loves me), so she started in
on my parents as the target of her anger and taunts. She is
very sweet to me, but says a lot indirectly. And, when I tell
that to my husband, he says that I have a habit of twisting everything
my mother says. I am stuck. In a year or so, my MIL is
going to come and live with us (till death do us part). I do
not know what to do. I do not want to get into a fight with
her, I just want her to mind her own business. She is very superstitious,
and wants me to believe in those beliefs too. If I refuse, then
there is unhappiness in the house, and fights with my MIL. And,
my husband is stuck between the two of us. He cannot leave his
mother, and, also, he cannot leave me. But, the situation is
getting to be so unpleasant that I do not talk to him about her anymore.
But, the problem won't go away if we do not talk. If we talk,
the only thing we do is fight (my husband and I). For everything
I tell about my MIL, he tells all those lies about my parents (which
were told to him by his mother). I don't know what to do.
Breaking the marriage is not an option (I love him). The only
thing left is to bear my MIL, which is dragging me towards depression.
I live in the USA and am miles away from my friends and family.
This gives my MIL an advantage, because she tells us what she wants
us to know (as I cannot clarify the facts with people concerned).
Miles away from me, she manages to wreck my life. What will
I do when she lives with me? Well, let's hope that she changes,
or else life ahead is going to be very unpleasant.
Dr. Apter's reply: There are other alternatives than the ones you set out.
You see the options as adjusting to your mother-in-law's ways (and
being very unhappy), or talking about it and fighting and threatening
the marriage you value. There is a way to talk to your husband
without fighting. He probably gets angry because he feels threatened:
he is afraid of being disloyal to his mother and does not want to
admit her faults - many of which he probably sees himself but would
rather not articulate. If you could talk to him about your feelings,
and explain that you are very unhappy, and that you, too, feel caught
between a desire to show respect to your mother-in-law, to honor your
own parents, and to live in harmony with your husband. You could
ask his help in finding some way to meet all these needs.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My DH and I are both 28. We've now been married for 2 of
the 5 years we've been together. From the start, we had problems
with his bossy big mom and 26 year old single sister. His father
is rather meek and unsociable. My MIL and SIL don't have a very
good self esteem, and my DH was sort of like the man in their life!!
Unfortunately, because the SIL (and MIL) has a weight problem, I don't
think she feels comfortable dating (and it probably doesn't help that
controlling MIL discouraged dating through rudeness to potential significant
others and guilt trips about time taken away from "the family").
I know it all sounds odd, but my MIL and SILs were very jealous of
me, and treated DH more like a possession of theirs. In the
beginning, I was somewhat understanding when MIL/SIL would call DH
by an affectionate name (example: if his name was Matt, they would
call him Mattie). This, I suppose, is understandable.
But, in addition, the MIL/SIL have always been a little too close
to DH for comfort. They cling to him and are "touchy/feely".
MIL kisses him on the lips, and SIL is always touching him by straightening
his clothes or tapping his knee to music, for example. It seems
that they always find a way to be in contact with him. When
he married me, they acted like jealous ex-girlfriends that he'd broken
up with! As time has gone on, he has felt more and more uncomfortable
with SIL's touchiness, and he has discouraged her by pulling away.
So she (thank god) has laid off A LITTLE. But, I still CRINGE
every time his mother kisses him on the lips! She does it at
every greeting/good-bye. I brought it up once to DH, but we
sort of just blew over the subject instead of talking it out.
Is it inappropriate for a mom to continue to kiss her adult son on
the lips? Perhaps it just bothers me more so because she does
treat DH as the man in her life (since she is so standoffish to her
own husband). And, she does still act like my DH is 10 by buying
him candy and kiddie movies that he never requested. Should
I ask DH not to kiss his mom on the lips? It just bothers me
so much that I can't stand kissing him after she has had her lips
on his!! I think my husband goes along with it because he is
just used to it, and he wouldn't want to stir up a bee's nest with
MIL, because we have come pretty far with her. It has been an
uphill battle the whole time. So, I guess maybe this just doesn't
seem like a big deal compared to what we've been through with her,
but I still can't stand it! Any thoughts on appropriate/inappropriate
affection between mother/son and bother/sister?
Dr. Apter's reply: Perhaps you could have a straight talk with your husband during
which you express your feelings, and also explore his. You could
begin by saying that you have a problem with his sister's and mother's
physical affection towards him (rather than begin by criticizing either
him or his sisters or mother). Ask him how he feels about this,
and be ready to accept what he says. Perhaps he likes it, and
then you can go on to talk about why it bothers you. The good
sign is that his sisters are toning down their behavior.
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