My question for Dr.
Apter is: Dear Dr. Apter: My MIL has been stalking my husband and
I for three years, ever since we cut off complete contact with her.
Even though we have both firmly and repeatedly told her that we don't
wish any contact with her, she still calls my husband at work 3-4
times a week. We've changed our phone number at home, and we
always return her letters unopened (she sends 2-3 a week). She
has never threatened violence, and we don't believe she is capable
of that, but my question is this: Is her behavior normal, and
what can we do about it? She has devoted her entire life to
her children, and is beside herself with frustration that her son
doesn't want to ever see her again. Should we just let her "drive-bys"
and attempts at contact not bother us? Or should we be concerned
that she has only increased her efforts in the past three years?
Should we just ignore it (although it's difficult), or should we consider
something more drastic, like a restraining order? Please, any
insight or advice would be appreciated. This is the third time
I've written in. Please help. Thanks.
Dr. Apter's reply: This is a difficult question, and one which you alone can answer,
after weighing things up. Do you think you can find any way
of outlining your take on your options in a way your mother-in-law
could understand? Have you tried to explain to her how disturbing
you find her constant intrusions? The problem may be that she
sees she is not getting through to you, and so tries harder to make
contact. She has to be persuaded that these efforts are counterproductive,
and that less intrusiveness would gain her more contact.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I just want to know that I'm doing the right thing. My MIL
is very controlling, and plays games with her son. Over 3 months
ago my DH sent his father and mother (separately) an email telling
them how hurt he was by the way she treats me. To date (Dec
25), she has not spoken to him or called - NOTHING. He is so
hurt by this. I'm lost as to what to do. The FIL is no
help, either. It's like the pink elephant standing in the middle
of the living room. Everybody knows it's there, but nobody wants
to go near her (she has all the money). I refuse to play her
games. I told him today that if he wanted to go, that was fine.
But, until she decides to address the issue, I was going to stay home,
so there will not be a fight between us when we get home. If
I was young, I might think twice. But, I am 40 years old, and
this is my second marriage. This is not the first pain I have
put up with.
Dr. Apter's reply: I love your description of the "pink elephant standing in
the middle of the living room" representing a problem which no
one can talk about. Perhaps you could tell your husband that
you understand he is hurt by his mother's silence, even though he
is also angry with her for hurting you. Offer him your support
in any effort he might want to make towards making contact with her.
But, yes, if you feel safer away from her, then he can make the contact
alone.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: Dear Dr. Apter: How do you deal with an explosive, negative
MIL with a control problem? Do things EVER get better?
I got along great with my MIL until we started planning our wedding.
I should have recognized her need for control then! My husband
is one of seven kids, now six (one was killed in a farm accident at
age 4). At the time we were dating, my MIL wasn't speaking to
her oldest son (for reasons I still don't know). We invited
him to our wedding anyway, since the rift wasn't between my husband
and his brother. The funny thing was, she started talking to
her oldest son again after we forced the issue. She also insisted
that my husband have his other brother as best man, but my husband
didn't feel he was as close to him as to three other friends.
After we married, we moved to another state where she couldn't interfere
with us. But, she still tried. She would insist that we
fly home to attend birthday parties for her two younger kids.
And, when we didn't come, she'd lay a major guilt trip on us.
She also has a major jealousy complex over my family, apparently.
She called and chewed my mom out before our wedding. When we
lived out of state and visited here, she would get very upset if she
perceived us to be spending any more time with my family than with
her. Anyway, we had a baby, and moved about 1/2 hour drive away
from her (and my family), because we have a good relationship with
our siblings and my family in general, and we wanted our kids to know
their family. My husband's mother cut all ties with my husband's
paternal grandparents (who lived down the road). He didn't even
know who they were until they died. Now that we live close,
she expects us to attend every family gathering. She, or her son who
works on their farm, will call and ask my husband to come up and work
for a day. If he turns them down, they hang up on him and give
him the silent treatment for weeks. He helps when he can, but
he puts his own job and us (wife and child) first. Our policy
has always been to stick together on issues regarding her. She
likes to be rude to us, and then pretend later that she wasn't.
She never apologizes. We have agreed that we should hold her
accountable for her actions. The other siblings are in some
way dependent on her - one for work, and they are customers of another.
Her daughter used to work for them too, but recently quit. SIL
was bulimic as a teenager. She still seems to be seeking her
mom's approval, even though she's had counseling. My husband
and I are the only ones who aren't dependent in some way, so we've
decided to just hold her accountable for her rudeness, and buck her
quest to control our lives. Are we expecting too much, or going
about this in the wrong way? Will she EVER come around??
My FIL never says a word about anything, nor does he challenge her.
He does appear to have more control over their ultimate financial
decisions, although she does the books for the business. People
who knew both me and her actually WARNED me about her before my husband
and I were married (she's chewed out almost everyone she's come in
contact with). But, I love my husband, and didn't want her to
get in the way of our relationship. Sometimes she's nice, but
I just don't trust her. She's done too much behind my back.
What irritates me the most is when she blames my husband for "not
keeping the family together", when she's not respectful of any
of her kids' need to be independent. It also breaks my heart
to watch what this does to my husband. He doesn't talk about
it much, but I know he wishes she were more reasonable. He feels
as though he's done well for himself, and that they don't need to
support him. What's really awkward is that my parents are very
accommodating and helpful, but they respect our privacy completely.
So, it almost makes it tougher for my husband. Any advice?
Dr. Apter's reply: I can't offer advice as to how to manage your in-laws in this
case, but it might help your husband if you supported his difficult
position - his disappointment at his mother's behavior, his wish to
have her approval, his having to take the blame for behavior which,
after all, seems more reasonable than that of his mother. It
could help him if you expressed your sympathy with his position, and
that you are willing to offer him the appreciation his mother is apparently
unable to give.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: How do you get someone to quit pressuring you? My husband
and his mother haven't spoken in two years. The root of their
problem is that they both want control of his life. This mainly
came to light when he wanted to get married. She disowned him,
and told him not to come around again. His father and sister
insist she was just mad, and can't be held accountable. I feel,
if that's the case, she should retract her comments. Instead,
day after day, his father starts with the "it would be nice if
you called your mother and made it right for her." Everyone
is worried about her feelings, even though she is the one that did
this. The whole problem is that they all want to control my
husband's life. He wants to make his own decisions (he's in
his thirties). But, if he won't let them run his life, they
want nothing to do with him. He has explained to his father,
time and again, that he won't call her. Unless she is willing
to change, he will hold his ground. All he is asking for is
for her not to scream and rant, and not to get everyone in the family
to put us on the silent treatment until he conforms. We have
lived in a mostly happy silence for the past two years. The
main problem is his father constantly thinking my husband should "make
it up to her", as if he needs to apologize for wanting his own
life. Please tell us what to say when they don't want to hear
anything you have to say? Since they work together, he can't
simply avoid him. He has tried reasoning to deaf ears.
His father only sees her feelings in this. Please help if you
can. Thank you.
Dr. Apter's reply: This is really a question for your husband to answer: Does
he want to mend the breach with his mother - or, is life really better
with this division? If it is, then his father will have to accept
that. If your husband would like to make contact again, then
he could begin by expressing regret for the breach, or for offense
caused - which is very different from apologizing in the sense of
admitting he himself was in the wrong.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I have been married for two plus years. My MIL lives far
away. We have had a couple of visits in the time we have been
married. My FIL is quiet and laid back. My MIL, on the
other hand, is very suffocating, overcompensating, and just down right
overbearing. She is a lovely lady, however. I just can't
help the fact that the very thought of having to spend time with her
upsets me. She stayed at my home for 4 days, and I thought I
would lose my mind. She was on top of me the whole time.
I am the type of person who needs my personal space, especially in
my own home. And, this woman has no concept of personal space.
I left for a short while to go shopping, and she wanted to know every
detail! This woman is downright suffocating, and her overcompensating
personality is emotionally draining, because you feel like you have
to respond every time she over-dramatizes an event or issue (and it
is continuous). We are planning to go out to see her in July.
And, again, just the thought having to spend any extended period of
time with her frustrates me. My husband understands to a certain
extent. But, at the same time, I think he wishes I would take
some of the load off of him. Help! What can I/we do to
keep our sanity without hurting MIL's feelings?
Dr. Apter's reply: This is a common problem: many people experience a state
of extreme irritation in the presence of their in-laws, an irritation
so extreme that it really does feel close to madness. It may
be that there is no way of accommodating your need for space and your
mother-in-law's expectations at the same time. It may be that
whatever way you find of preserving your sanity will cause her some
offense The question to put to yourself, however, is not:
how can I avoid hurting her feelings? It is: how can I
behave decently enough towards her without losing my mind? So
you may have to plan solo activities during the visits, and accept
that she won't like it.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My son-in-law is not close to his mother, but he and I have a
good relationship. She recently came to their home on an unannounced
visit for seven days. She has been trying to be a loving mother
to him these last few days, which she was not when he was a child.
He is deeply resentful over this new behavior. She was never
a caring mom when he was growing up, leaving him to take care of himself
for days at a time. During this visit, he did what he could
to stay away from her. My heart breaks to see him like this.
This is my first meeting with her today. I am taking them all
out to dinner. That, most likely, will result in another letter.
What can my son-in-law do to let his mom know her visit was unwelcome,
and that he resents this new mothering behavior?
Dr. Apter's reply: Your husband is clearly still angry for the neglect he experienced
from his mother as a child. Her new mothering style now seems
to him to be a sham - probably an attempt to make herself feel better,
and not much use to him. However hurt and confused he is, he
will have to be the one to sort out his relationship with her now.
The best you can do is offer understanding and support. You
can, of course, also insist that visits be made only with prior arrangement
and agreement.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: DH and I have been together for almost 6 years - married for 3-1/2,
and we have an 11-month-old DD (only grandchild on both sides).
We live within a half-hour drive from the IL's and 15 minutes from
my parents. I have never really liked my MIL. We are very
different, and we have very little in common. Her personality
makes her a difficult person to be around. She monopolizes conversations,
she will change the subject if I'm talking (on those rare occasions
when I actually get a word in) even if I'm mid-sentence, and she's
manipulative and insecure. My friends and family who have met
her always come away with the same impression. We have only
had two "confrontations" to date, neither were very serious,
but both ended in a stare-down and awkward silence. I'm not
the confrontational type, except with my family or DH. The most
recent was a result of MIL disregarding our wishes concerning DD.
DH and I had asked her not to do something with DD because we didn't
feel it was safe. Yet, she continued to do it on several occasions.
The last one was right in front of me (her way of thumbing her nose
at me) which led to the confrontation. She even told me, at
one point, that she knew how we felt, and that she was just going
to wait for us to leave so that she could do as she pleased.
Needless to say, she has not baby-sat for us since that time.
I recently found out that, following that incident, MIL had the gall
to say to DH that she hoped I wouldn't keep them from seeing DD in
order to punish her. She felt that, in the end, I wouldn't be
hurting the IL's, I would be hurting DD. I have never kept them
from seeing DD, nor do I plan to. When I was pregnant, MIL had
very little interest in me. But, she was very interested in
the baby. She would walk up to me, grab my belly and talk to
the baby. All the while, she would not acknowledge my presence.
MIL spent a lot of energy laying guilt trips about how I would favor
my family over hers once DD was born. In fact, she spent my
entire shower complaining to everyone about how she would have to
make an appointment just to see her grandchild. Once DD was
born, it didn't get any better. She would snatch DD out of my
arms without so much as saying hello to me. And, if DD was crying
and hungry, she would leave the room with DD, in spite of my requests
to let me nurse her. Despite all this, I made a concerted effort
to involve MIL in DD's life. I sent her pictures of DD, called
her at work so she could hear DD babbling, invited her over for dinner,
and I even brought DD to see her when DH was out of town. At
first, they saw DD about once a week. But, usually that only
happened if we initiated the visits. However, once the summer
hit, the IL's were nowhere to be found. MIL had 6 weeks of vacation,
and she spent it at home and at their cottage (1 hour away).
We never knew when they were home, since they never called to see
how DD was doing. And, they stood me up one day when I was expecting
them to come over. Once summer was over, MIL commented to DH
that she didn't get to see DD as often as she would like. And,
she felt that things should change. It hasn't gotten any better.
In fact, the only way they see DD is if it's a holiday, or if DH calls
them. I have to admit that I don't put forth the effort that
I used to, simply because I don't see the point. It's like they've
lost interest in DD, unless they have nothing better to do.
The problem is that when they do see her, they act as if nothing has
happened, and they pretend to be these loving, devoted grandparents.
I have a hard time with this, because I know that the second they
walk out the door, we won't hear from them until there's nothing good
on TV. They even had the nerve to bail on DD's first Christmas
in favor of other plans that came up at the last minute. When
DH confronted his mother, she denied having made plans with us, and
tried to get us to rearrange our whole day to accommodate her schedule
(incidentally, her "other plans" were a 20-minute caroling
party with a few friends - and she told us she didn't think it was
right to back out of something that she had committed to). We
ended up having them over earlier in the morning, but MIL watched
the clock intently, and they were out the door exactly an hour after
they arrived. They didn't even stay for DD to open her presents.
DH is starting to see for himself how his mother tries to manipulate
us. She has been caught in a few lies, all concocted so she
could make us do things her way. However, as soon as DH sees
the IL's, he forgets about it, and literally forces DD on them in
order to forge some kind of bond between them. It is basically
begging them to love our DD. I feel for him, but I have had
it. And, we have agreed that we will no longer initiate the
visits with the ILs. If they want to see DD, they can call and
ask. However, at this point, I would resent having to accommodate
them at all (don't get me wrong, I will never stop them from seeing
DD, I just won't like it). On top of that, MIL has been making
things worse between she and I. She recently encouraged an ex
of DH's to start calling him at work, undermining me as DH's wife.
The ex invited us over for dinner, and told us that MIL was planning
to take a day off of work to spend with her and her newborn DS.
MIL has never done that for DD. Why should I let them dictate
when, how often, and where they see DD? How should I handle
my ILs when they come over and MIL does her song and dance about how
DD is growing up so fast and she's missing it? I find that I
am getting angrier and more obsessive about all of this, and I know
it's because nothing has ever really been confronted or resolved,
and I feel like it's too late to bring up things that happened 9 or
10 months ago.
Dr. Apter's reply: It is difficult to go over old ground after 9 or 10 months.
But your real concern is what might happen in the future. You
could use your experience to recognize requests or behavior that are
unacceptable. Then, when a situation arises, you will know that
you have to deal with it - either by ignoring her lies, or insisting
that things be done for your daughter according to your wishes.
You can also be firm about her visits, and trust to your own memory
of what was and was not said, or what was or was not arranged.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My husband and I have been through a lot of trouble with my MIL.
About a year and a half ago, we had to lay down the law and establish
some boundaries that needed to be set a long time ago. Since
then, things have gone better with her when she comes over to visit
our two young daughters. However, we have found that whenever
we visit her house, she can't seem to control herself, and does the
things that we have asked her not to. For example, when we walk
in, she will bustle around us, trying to take our children's coats
off and fixing their hair and clothes. She then thrusts her
arms out in a pushy way, without saying a word, expecting us to hand
over the children to her so she can "show them off" (her
words) to the other guests. If we do let her take them, she
will place the children in other people's laps without asking us first.
She will make small, critical comments, such as telling me that my
older daughter is going to choke if I don't cut her food up into tiny
pieces (my daughter is old enough to eat things like pizza slices,
whole apples, and regular sandwiches - she has never choked).
She wants to be the one to fill my toddler's dinner plate, rather
than letting me do it. She seems to be hanging on my toddler's
every word. And, if she gets upset about something, as all toddlers
do, my MIL is right there, trying to "fix" things, rather
than let my husband or I handle it. One time, recently, she
got upset when my older daughter hugged me. MIL cried out, "Don't
hug your mother! You should be hugging me!" Needless
to say, my husband and I think this is abnormal. We have also
noticed that when either my husband or I are busy with the baby, or
using the bathroom, my MIL will grab my toddler and try to force her
to hug and kiss my step-father-in-law. This distresses my daughter,
yet my MIL refuses to stop. We have to physically intervene,
over and over. No matter how many times we tell her to stop
doing something, she just tries again during the next visit.
So, my question is: Why is my MIL able to control herself at
my home, but not when she is in hers? Should we stop going to
visit her, and just have her come to our house? No matter what
we say, she seems to be unable to respect our boundaries when in her
house. It is extremely stressful visiting her. A second
part of my question is: Am I overreacting by being annoyed at
certain other things that she does when we visit her? For example,
she insists that my almost-three-year-old use a special baby plate,
spoon, cup, and a highchair when we eat over there. My toddler
uses regular utensils and such at home, and sits in a normal, adult
chair. It irritates me that my MIL has to pull out her special
"nana" place setting and wants my daughter to use these
baby dishes. Perhaps I am just being petty? She also brings
out toys for young infants and expects my toddler to play with them.
Why does she think my daughter is a baby still? She is going
to be in preschool soon! Am I right to find this stuff creepy
and inappropriate? Thanks for your help.
Dr. Apter's reply: Your mother-in-law has more self control when she is in your home
because she is more restrained. If her behavior with your children
bothers them, then you should certainly avoid visits with them to
her home. If you feel that you are the only one that is bothered
by this, then it's really up to you to reflect on whether you want
to act on these concerns. A compromise would be fewer, shorter
visits.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: How can I improve my failing relationship with my MIL? Or,
in the alternative, how can I cope? I have known my DH since
1994 (we dated in college, and all during my legal education).
I met my MIL in 1995. She used to get along with me, and showed
an interest in me. Her behavior turned deceitful after DH moved
in with me in 1999. During the engagement (1999-2001), when
MIL would visit, and when DH was always out of the room, she would
say rude, unacceptable, critical, and malicious things to me.
I am a fighter, and I can be assertive. However, if I confront
this woman, she would win the Oscar for playing the best martyr.
Prior to the wedding, I tried to talk to my future husband about his
mother and how she behaved with me (behind everyone else's back).
I gave explicit examples. He was astonished, and, of course,
did not believe that his darling mother could be so unkind.
However, we made a plan for the future: The deal was that I
would (in front of her) share his mother's criticisms with him at
the time they occur - and we would handle the behavior together.
Unfortunately, we have never been able to implement this approach
(i.e., she has never gotten me cornered in a room alone with her).
We married in May, 2001, and now the MIL problem COULD WORSEN:
We live 6 and 1/2 hours away from MIL/FIL. DH is considering
a career change, and really wants to move to the same place as MIL/FIL.
Last night, we had a repeat discussion about how his MIL treats me.
He had forgotten the pre-wedding discussion and deal. Again,
he was astonished that there is this "void" between me and
his mom. My husband learned about setting boundaries years ago,
but his is not very confrontational, and he is accustomed to the dysfunctional,
codependent, enmeshment with his MIL. His behavior won't change,
and I know that I cannot anticipate my MIL's to change. I fear
it will destroy a great marriage if we move to same city as MIL/FIL.
However, for the present, I would like to understand ways that I can
try to tolerate my MIL, and absolve my anger and frustration about
how she behaves like she is my DH's wife whenever she is around.
She fondles, caresses his upper, inner thigh, and traces his ears
like a wife should do. And, when she visits, she runs around
my house in skimpy pajamas (in front of DH, not me - she puts clothes
on when I arrive). I would also like help in dealing with the
way she communicates with me in a malicious manner when no one else
is around, and how she never talks to me on the phone - she only asks
to speak with her son (but, when her son is speaking with her on the
phone, she tells him that she loves me and misses talking to me on
the phone). What do you do about a woman who calls 2-3 times
a day/night, and never has eye-contact with me (and just truly ignores
my boundaries, even when I assert them).
Dr. Apter's reply: There is little you can do about your mother-in-law's behavior
to your husband if he actually likes her behavior. You could
explain to him that you find it upsetting and inappropriate - but
if he encourages it, there's little you can do. In the matter
of her behavior towards you: I suggest that whenever she criticizes
you, you tell her: "I'll only listen to that if you say it in
front of my husband." You could repeat this phrase relentlessly.
She may then get the message.
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