My question for Dr.
Apter is: When is it time to cut off relations with the in-laws?
Of course, no matter how rude my in-laws are to me, I realize that
it is important for my husband to maintain his relationship with them,
if he so chooses. My husband and I met in college. From
the moment I met his parents, I have been treated with outright cruelty
in every way - from being seated on the rickety fold out chair with
mismatched plate and odd ball silverware, to having them refuse to
acknowledge me if I try to join the conversation. I was told,
outright, that they did not approve of me dating their son, because
I was almost two years older than him. Of course, we were both
in college when we met, and my mother-in-law was two years older than
father-in-law, but that was apparently okay for them, I guess.
I take so many personal insults when they come to visit that I've
actually begun writing them down and making a journal. They
have insulted every aspect of me (from my family, to where I'm from,
etc.). When my husband and I announced our engagement, they
got angry, and my MIL cried. They, also, were angry when we
told them we were pregnant (both times), and ruined those occasions,
which were supposed to be happy. They reprimanded me for having
a child, and told me not to have any more. After all, they treat
me like trash, and obviously think I'm going to breed like a rabbit
(despite the fact that I'm college educated, and come from an upper
middle class family). At birthdays, my husband receives $100.
I am lucky to receive $20. It's not the money that's offensive
to me, it's the fact that they use every opportunity to let me know
that they think that I'm inferior to them, etc. I have had numerous
conversations with my in-laws regarding their hurtful comments and
behaviors, and they deny having done anything. And, they would
NEVER apologize. How they can deny outright specific situations,
I'll never know. And, my husband wishes to believe that they
are well intentioned. I feel a lack of integrity every time
I am forced to hug them hello, and pretend that nothing has happened.
What should I do? MIL and FIL have finally accepted the reality
that I'm not leaving, and the insults have become less frequent.
Signature: Desperate for Help in Colorado.
Dr. Apter's reply: Your question touches on one of the most important dilemmas in
human relationships: should I suppress my own feelings for the sake
of an apparently harmonious relationship? No one can answer
this for you. It is a matter for you to weight up. You
say you feel a lack of integrity every time you are forced to hug
them in greeting. You clearly have high standards for honest
expression of emotions. You could ask for the real distance
between you to be acknowledged. You could say, "Let's just
shake hands" or just wave "Hi". Of course, that
may raise the level of hostility. And, you must consider whether
it is worth it. In the meantime, you could gain your husband's
support. You could explain that good intentions are not enough
(saying someone who is hurting you is well intentioned is to miss
the point).
Your implicit hope of getting your in-laws to see their behavior from
your point of view, and to hear their apology, is unlikely to be realized.
The way forward is to take on board their lack of insight, their wish
to keep you at a distance - and then ask whether you are still willing
to see them.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: How do I stop/cope with my fiancé's parents' constant
nagging about us having children? My fiancé and I do
not want any. The nagging started six months after we had met,
when we were engaged. I was still in college. His parents
seemed to seriously think that I was going to quit college immediately
to bear their grandchildren. When I graduated two and a half
years later, his mother said that she didn't really think I needed
a job; that we should get a bigger car to accommodate the pram, and
actually expressed hopes that I would become unemployed when I got
a job. His father is much the same way, for instance, he told
me to pull up my shirt so that they could get a closer look at my
stomach, after we had told them that we had some news (incidentally,
not the kind of news they expected). They are also getting other
people they know to go along with the nagging. They have even
tried to drag my parents into it. Luckily, they know better.
My fiancé and I had planned to get married soon after I graduated
and had found a job, five years ago. Since the nagging got so
intense, the idea of a wedding with just "baby talk" disgusted
me, and I have refused a wedding. My fiancé has tried
talking to his parents; in vain. The nagging has not stopped,
and two years ago, I stopped seeing my fiancés parents altogether.
I would still like to be married, but not for the purpose of breeding.
My fiancé's parents have grandchildren now, but that has not
stopped them from craving more.
Dr. Apter's reply: Perhaps you could ask them whether they really want you to have
children to satisfy them. Surely they would not be so pushy
or selfish? Or, less confrontationally, you could acknowledge
their wish to be grandparents, and accept that they would have much
to give to any children you were to have, but explain that this will
not be enough to make that important decision.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: Recently, I have returned to work, and have arranged for my MIL
to watch my toddler. My daughter enjoys my MIL, and MIL is doing
a great favor for us. But, I can not help feeling resentful
of my MIL's time with my daughter. Every time I go to pick my
daughter up, my MIL seems to brag about all the fun things that they
did during the day. Recently, my daughter has latched on to
my MIL, and will not come to me. This leaves me feeling very
upset!! To top this off, I have this strange feeling that my
MIL likes the way all of this makes me feel. Additionally, when
we visit the in-laws on the weekend, MIL will not let me "be
a mom". She, literally, takes over, and I don't feel like
competing with her. Any comments or ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Also, I will be quitting work to be home with my daughter soon, and
my MIL has requested that she get the baby on set days. Is it
OK for her to put me on the spot like that?? HELP, PLEASE!!
Dr. Apter's reply: The bond between mother and child is so strong. It is unlikely
your daughter is more attached to your mother-in-law. She may
be enjoying a little innocent power-play in seeing that you are worried
about losing your primary position with her. Your mother-in-law
can put you on the spot if she wants, but you can learn to stand up
to her. It is totally up to you as to whether you allow her
set days for the baby. If a request is sprung on you, get into
the habit of saying, "I'll have to think about that."
If she continues to press her point, just repeat that you need time
to think and cannot give her an answer right away.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I have been reading the questions on the web site, and I am now
encouraged to submit my own. My DH and I have been married almost
two years, and we have been together for over three years. We
now have a month-old son, and we live in the same town as my MIL.
MIL divorced her husband (DH's dad), when DH was seven, because of
his drinking, and he died when DH was 17. DH became the "man
of the house" when the divorce was final, because MIL and SILs
(there are three of them) clung to him as the only responsible male
in their lives. MIL never remarried, and does not date.
She was, and still is, extremely attached to DH, and uses guilt trips
to get him to do whatever she wants. He responds to this, not
only because of the guilt from her, but because of a promise he made
to his father when he died, to take care of the family. MIL
calls when one of her daughters is in trouble, as if DH is their father.
She only calls DH at work, claiming that I do not talk to her on the
phone at home. She encourages DH to visit without me or our
son, which I find strange and irritating. She insists that DH,
who has an injured back, come and do things around her house which
she could handle herself (such as yard work), but objects to him doing
them at his own house "because he might hurt himself".
She tells DH that I hate her and her daughters (not true). This
stems from the fact that I do not socialize with her the way his ex
did (his ex spent almost all of her spare time with MIL, and they
became best friends). She says things to me that are hateful
and sarcastic, and sees no reason to be polite. She is extremely
self-centered, and will not spend any money on anyone but herself.
Instead, she brings all of the old junk she no longer wants over to
our house, even if we say we don't want it. And, any time she
doesn't get her way, watch out! For example: I decided that
I only wanted my mom and DH in the birthing room when I labored with
our son. DH agreed, but apparently did not tell MIL (or she
did not listen). When the time came, she strolled in, sat down,
and began telling us a story about one of her friends. When
DH got up the courage to ask her to leave, she pouted, sulked, threatened
to leave entirely, and made everyone feel awful. DH felt so
guilty that he would leave the room to check on her. She did
what she always does - she made everyone pay attention to her on a
day when I needed support! I am really beginning to hate her,
and I am obsessed. Every time she touches my son I want to scream.
DH and I have discussed this several times, and he is beginning to
see her for who she is, but not quickly enough for me. Is there
any hope? Please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Apter's reply: Yes, there is hope, because you and your husband will be able
to work together. You won't be able to change her personality,
but gradually you will be able to show her that her usual tactics
(making you feel guilty by sulking, for example) do not work.
This won't be easy. It will be a matter of deciding that she
can sulk (and make you feel awful) but you will not give in.
You could explain that you are very sorry she feels as she does, without
withdrawing your request. If she threatens to leave entirely,
when you ask her to leave a room, then you can say you really want
her nearby, but you do want her to leave the room. If she persists
in sulking, then let her carry through her threat (to leave, to cry,
to be very unhappy). After all, she is the one who is terrified
of losing contact with her son. If she sees that you do not
cave in when she tries to make you feel bad, then eventually these
tactics will decrease.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I have never asked my in-laws to baby-sit for me, and it has
been a constant fight. My MIL was a real nightmare when my son
was born, and I have a horrible resentment against her. My in-laws
live right across the street, and they make no efforts at all to make
their home safe for my son. I am really frustrated. They
gripe and gripe that I won't allow them to baby-sit, and that they
never get to see DS (even though my DH brings him over at least once
a week, if not twice a week). We spent Christmas with my in-laws,
and I asked my FIL if I could move their coffee table because my son
was a year old and still wobbly at walking. The coffee table
has very sharp corners that my DS could fall on and really hurt himself.
My FIL was offended by this, and informed me that his kids survived
in this house with this coffee table, and so would my son. Well,
needless to say, I moved the coffee table anyway, and we got in an
argument later that evening about car seats (FIL does not agree that
children should be in car seats). So, the following day, Christmas
day, the in-laws had several guests at their house. I laughed
so hard when 4 out of the 5 adults that walked by the coffee table
remarked about how it should be moved because it was too dangerous
for a child to be around. My FIL moved it, and said, "You
are probably right," even though the day before, he felt it was
rude of me to ask any such thing. There is this constant battle
of wills between my in-laws and me. It was OK for someone else
to tell them that their coffee table was dangerous, but it was not
OK when I did it. My brother is getting a divorce, and I am
losing him as a baby-sitter. I know my DH is going to press
the point again that his mom wants badly to baby-sit for us.
I know that it is something that is very important to him, because
he loves his mother. But, I was just at their home two days
ago, and MIL had a tub of bleach on the floor, right next to a canister
full of weed killer and plant food (that she made no effort to move
while my son was there). They believe that if you tell a child,
"No, don't get into that," the child will listen.
They also have a split-level home, with wide rails, on a 4 or 5 foot
drop to the next level, and two staircases that they refuse to block
off. I don't want her at my home, because she is nosey, and
would rifle through my personal things. I don't understand why
my child's safety is not their top priority, and why they can't respect
my wishes (or even that I am his father). How do I resolve this
issue? I do need a baby-sitter, and I want my son to know his
grandparents, but anything that I suggest or do differently than they
did is offensive to them. I want my son to form his own opinions
of his grandparents, and not dislike them just because I do.
Dr. Apter's reply: Your concerns for the safety of your child should be taken seriously.
I think your discomfort with your in-laws is linked both to their
dismissal of your maternal judgment and your concern for safety.
It seems that you need support in your attempt to focus on the obvious:
your assessment of what's good for your child comes first, and cannot
be brushed aside just because your in-laws will be offended.
You can explain that you value their relationship with their grandchild
and you will always try to foster that, but you and they have different
views on day-to-day child care and, in your view, you need a baby-sitter,
and that's that. Well, stating your position and keeping to
it won't be easy, but you are fully justified in protecting it.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My problem is with my own mother, rather than with my mother-in-law.
I like my MIL very much, and I think it bothers my mother that I do.
I have never talked about anything negative to my mother about her,
nor have I gone on about how great she is. I have only made
references that I think she is pretty nice, and I guess that I'm lucky.
I do have a healthy and close relationship with my mother, also.
But, on several occasions, my mother stated that I "put my MIL
on a pedestal". She has asked, "Why don't you ask
your MIL - since you already ask me for a lot." Or, if
we ask her for something, she states, "He (my husband) has a
mother too." She also tries to do things like cook big
dinners, which she never did much of before she found out that it
is something my MIL likes to do. She also seems to get upset
when it's our turn to spend holidays with my husband's side (we try
to evenly split up holidays). What do you think? I am
very hurt when she makes these references about my MIL, and I do not
want to make her feel badly, but I almost feel that I shouldn't discuss
anything we do with my husband's parents, for fear that she will feel
we enjoy spending time with them too.
Dr. Apter's reply: Your poor fragile mom! Maybe she could use some reassurance
that she has a very special position in your heart. You could
even tease her about those large dinners she cooks to compete with
your mother-in-law. You could ask her whether she seriously
think she needs to do that to keep your love. Or perhaps there
is something else going on in her life that makes her feel insecure.
You could ask her whether there is anything she would like to talk
about with you. You could explain that you are concerned because
her rivalry is, in your view, so unrealistic.
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