My question for Dr.
Apter is: I have been married for over 28 years. My husband and I
actually spent many of our dating evenings playing cards with my MIL
and FIL. We had lots of fun. I wanted so much to be an
accepted part of their family. Over the years, and through many
disappointments, I've come to the realization that my MIL and FIL
don't want to have as close a relationship with me as I do with them.
This revelation has been very hurtful to me. I've been the one
to always invite all the family to my house, entertaining, etc.
I probably did this, I realize now, to gain their approval.
But, that approval never came. Our relationship is strained.
Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that there is no way for me to
please her. Even when I don't do anything wrong, she comes up
with "fantasy" wrongdoings that she believes I am guilty
of. I lost my own mother to cancer when I was less than 30 years
old. I think I was looking especially hard for my MIL's approval,
since I lost that female relationship with my mother. But, I
have been only disappointed. When I tell my husband these things,
it hurts him. He doesn't understand why there is a problem between
us. He thinks it is mostly my problem. So, I've tried
really hard to try to see it his way. But, I've recently decided
to keep my distance from my MIL. I don't expect too much from
her, and I pray that she never needs to move in. I don't think
I could be kind and patient enough with her. I know that I am
keeping this resentment inside. I don't have any friends to
talk to, and have really devoted all of my time to family and family
relationships. I am very discouraged that all my devotion has
been for nothing. Do you have any advice? Should I confront
my MIL? When I've asked her questions before, I felt like she
was searching for words to say, and not saying what was really on
her mind. I don't want to live a lie. I'd like to be honest
and open, but she would rather believe a lie than believe what I have
to say. I feel really undervalued by her. Thanks for listening.
Dr. Apter's reply: Many women have similar stories to tell, and I hope others can
learn from you. It seems that you have already understood the
hard facts: that your in-laws do not want to have a close relationship,
that you value the connection more than they do, and that there is
no way for you to please your mother-in-law in ways that will make
her love you as you would want. The next step, I think, is accepting
this. It is difficult to accept this because you have spent
so much energy trying to win her love and approval. You have
also invested hope in achieving a good relationship. I think
you husband cannot understand your feelings because he cannot distinguish
the degrees of closeness in the way you can. Perhaps you could
confront your mother-in-law by asking her to listen to your story
of the relationship, with its efforts, hopes and disappointments.
But if you decide to do this, try to avoid blaming her - instead,
just ask her to try to understand you. There is some chance
she will respond, and explain her own feelings.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My MIL was very cruel to me during several key moments in my life.
I am having a lot of difficulty forgiving her. I have been blessed
throughout my life because I have very close and loving relationships
with my own parents, siblings, brother and SILs. I have never
seen anyone like my MIL in action, and I just really don't know how
to handle her. My husband won't stand up to her. In fact,
when we were first married (my husband was 32 and I was 30), I had
to set boundaries. My husband wanted his mother to have a key
to our house, and he didn't want me to read the local weekly alternative
newspaper because his mother might not approve of it. I suspect
that now, ten years later, his mother still has the key to our home.
My MIL's worst behavior has come about since the birth of our daughter.
She called me less than two hours after my release from the hospital
(after a grueling labor and delivery by c-section) to scream and yell
at me because I did not offer to let her hold the baby when I was
rolled out of recovery. I was still on morphine, and had not
seen my baby yet myself. My husband was there, fully conscious,
and he did not offer to let her hold the baby. But her rage
was reserved for me. She yelled at me so badly that I was sobbing
(and the baby was sobbing), and my husband finally terminated the
abuse. I went to her house the next day, even though I was so
weak and anemic from complications from the surgery (it did not go
well). She refused to touch the baby! She ruined my first
Mother's Day by snatching my precious baby out of my arms. This
scared my baby, and then it started crying. I asked for the
baby back, and she turned away and ran to the corner, with my child
screaming in fear. My husband had to intervene and physically
take the baby away from her. MIL then ran out of the room in
furious tears. I describe those two instances because those
are the only two times I have seen my husband stand up to his mother.
Both of those times MIL was hurting his daughter. I cannot stand
her. She has never apologized to my husband or me for her outrageous
behavior. I want to leave the state just to get away from her.
Dr. Apter's reply: Your mother-in-law seems unable to direct and acknowledge her
violent feelings towards others, whether they are feelings of anger
or jealousy. She then directs them towards you. It is safer
for her to blame you for her unsatisfied possessive feelings towards
your child than to blame her son. Perhaps your husband is afraid
that her powerful anger will be directed towards him if he stands
up to her. From your description, it seems that your mother-in-law
has a number of feelings she cannot acknowledge or control.
Unfortunately, you seem to respond with equally violent feelings,
though these are expressed in tears and sadness rather than aggression.
The best way of dealing with such a situation, I believe, is to distance
yourself from it, and not respond to her feelings as you would to
those of a person whose feelings you respected and valued. This
approach is difficult - but unless your mother-in-law is able to gain
control of herself, this could be the only solution.
My question for Dr.
Apter is: I'm getting married in 2 months, and I realize that it's normal
to feel anxiety. I love my fiancé very much. He's
really not an issue. His mother is a different story.
She got divorced 20 years ago, and she never remarried. She
has 3 sons - my fiancé is the youngest. Her oldest son
just married 2 months ago, and his wife is a very close friend.
He is her surrogate husband. She calls constantly (almost daily)
for advice and to talk. Her middle son still lives with her
at 28. He's her servant, but he lets her pay for food and most
of the rent. I believe that he somewhat deserves that position.
My fiancé is the youngest, and he's her "teddy bear".
She calls him when she's feeling down, when she's crying, and when
the eldest disagrees with her. But, we have a far smaller burden
than the other 2 boys do. That's largely due to the fact that
we set very specific ground rules when we moved in together.
We got caller ID. MIL's not allowed to call after 10, and my
family gets equal time. Things are actually going fairly well
- as long as we limit the time we spend with her. Lately, she
has obviously been feeling very threatened, with two sons escaping
her in a very short time. Her behavior has gotten even MORE
clingy and needy. I was able to deal with this and understand
it until the latest issue came up. You see, she's coming into
a large amount of money from a settlement. She's very obsessive
about money, status, and influence over her sons. She's never
had much money, and she thinks that means she was cheated in life.
I disagree. She wants to give all her sons and their new wives
some of this money, and that makes me extremely nervous. We've
worked very hard to get to this point with her. How do we factor
in this new HUGE variable? Should we refuse it? CAN we?
We could desperately use it, but I'm uncomfortable with handouts and
the emotional baggage they carry. Am I being irrational?
Dr. Apter's reply: I can't advise on accepting or refusing the money. But
it is important to realize that either strategy could cause problems.
She might feel deeply hurt and rejected if you decline her offer.
She might, on the other hand, expect return payments of attention,
love, company and involvement if you accept. So the important
thing is to do what you feel right doing, and to explain your position.
Clearly setting boundaries has so far been effective. It seems
that she accepts these boundaries and is still willing to be generous.
So you have a good chance of sorting it out satisfactorily
My question for Dr.
Apter is: My oldest son recently married a girl who he dated in high school.
They had a ten year courtship before marrying, and they now live in
another state. My husband, our other children, and I have never
gotten along with his new wife, nor has she liked us, especially me.
Unfortunately, we voiced our opinions when they got engaged.
Realizing that he would still choose her, I made an honest attempt
to repair our relationship and to care about her. He has been
put in the middle constantly because she misconstrues everything that
I say and do to be negative. I know his loyalty should be to
his wife, yet I expect respect from each of them, and shouldn't have
to constantly defend myself. He wants me to do more to accept
her, yet I don't know what to do. I want peace in our relationship,
but she is not a very warm, approachable person (totally the opposite
of me). What can I do to help this relationship? I do
not want to alienate my son.
Dr. Apter's reply: I am so pleased to have a question from a mother-in-law!
Your description of your daughter-in-law as persistently negative
will probably send shivers of guilt through some daughters-in-law.
My guess is that your daughter-in-law still feels hurt and angry that
you did not immediately accept her, and that you voiced your reservations.
But you have a right to speak your mind, and should not be punished
for it forever - especially when you are so willing to build bridges.
One step forward would be to talk, first, to your son. Explain
that you respect his loyalty, and have the highest hopes for his happiness.
Explain (even if you have done so before) why you decided to voice
your opinions when he got engaged. Then you could go on to say
that you want to have the best possible relationship with both him
and his wife. While you are willing to work to achieve this,
you also will need his help. You could then say that you would
like to see what you can do to clear the air with your daughter-in-law.
Your son will have a much better measure of her feelings than you,
so you could seek his advice. Would he like to speak to his
wife before you do? Could he tell you anything about her feelings
that may be helpful? The next step is to approach your daughter-in-law
and express regret for having offended her (but not for your feelings
or your actions), and express your hope that you and she can build
a relationship of mutual trust and respect. Good luck!
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My MIL makes things up. She tells my husband that I said things
(when I haven't said those things), and she does the same to my husband.
She has been doing this for five years. Is there any way to
make this stop? And, if it won't stop, how can I keep it from
bothering me and coming between us?
Dr. Apter's reply: I suggest that you gently but firmly announce a new rule: whenever
your mother-in-law has something to report about you to your husband,
then both of you should be present. You could explain that this
will make her complaints far more effective, and that you are implementing
this to help you all address problems.
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