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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My DH and I have been together for six years and married for two.
In that time my MIL and I have had some ups and downs. Mostly,
I tolerate her moods because she and my FIL have done a great deal
for us. I also realize that I've taken over her most prized
possession, my DH, her baby boy. Anyway, my dilemma is this:
When my DH and I had our son, who will be two in December, there was
some disagreement as to what to name the baby. My MIL desperately
wanted the baby to be a junior, and I refused. She had the choice
to name her children. To compromise, I agreed to give our son
the same middle name as my DH, resulting in them having the same initials.
I've recently discovered that my MIL is calling my son, whom she cares
for while we work, by his middle name. Neither my DH nor I want
our son to be called by anything other than his first name, but DH
is afraid to say anything. Without causing major commotion,
I don't know how to tell my MIL that she can't refer to my son by
his middle name. I believe it can only be confusing. No
matter how much they've helped us, as my parents have too, should
she be able to cross those boundaries? How do I nicely tell
her that she must refer to my son by his first name - the name given
by his father and me? Is there a safe approach to explaining
this to my MIL?
Dr. Apter's reply:
Your mother-in-law's behavior is irritating, but it is unlikely seriously
to confuse your son. His strongest attachment will be with you,
and he'll be able to distinguish who he "really is" from
who he is called by his grandmother. There may be no safe approach
to your mother-in-law, but I think you should nonetheless make your
position clear. You have given your son a name, and that you
intend to use that name and preserve it. Then it is up to you
as to how far you want to take this. You could make it a condition
of her seeing her grandchild, or you could simply ignore this issue.
If your son comes to object to this difference, he will ignore her
when she calls him by his middle name.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Can an appalling relationship be repaired? I have been married
to my DH for 8 years, and I had a reasonably good relationship with
MIL until the birth of our first son, 4 years ago. This event
triggered a period of sustained hostility directed personally at me
by my MIL. She behaved in an abusive and irrational way.
She verbally abused me on a regular basis (e.g., "your 5 month
old baby is a spoilt brat who has been ruined by being given too much
affection"). She fantasized that I had committed all sorts
of terrible acts which she believed were the cause of all of her family's
relationship difficulties, and that everything bad that had happened
in her family (sisters who don't speak to each other, fathers who
break their hand in the process of punching their adult son) were
actually caused by me. Some of her fantasies were completely
irrational: I had, supposedly, hung up the phone on her when
she called our house, but I was actually out of town visiting friends.
Or, she said that I had publicly abused and humiliated my SIL's new
boyfriend, but I had actually never met him. All of this caused
me a great deal of distress, and I sought the help of a counselor
who advised me to write a carefully worded letter about how I was
feeling (when you say such and such, it makes me feel badly, etc.).
She said to make sure that I expressed respect for her and stated
that I wanted to improve the situation. I followed this advice,
and the result was terrible. Following my letter, my DH was
told that he was not welcome in his parent's home until he had "sorted
me out", and he was criticized for not being a man who could
control his wife. To his credit, he supported me. The
result was that he was completely cut off from his family. Perhaps
his mother expected some sort of submission from him following being
cut off, but when this did not come 4 months later, I received a typed,
10 page abusive letter cataloging all my imaginary sins, quoting the
Bible and Shakespeare, and, in an hysterical rant, condemning me as
a socially inadequate reclusive, who was a bad mother. It went
on to say that I was selfishly destroying everything around me.
I returned the letter along with a check for all the money she believed
that her family had ever spent on me (this was also catalogued in
the letter). After this, we were cut off for nearly 3 years.
My DH did attempt to bridge the gap on several occasions, and he did
take our son to see his grandparents, visits that always ended with
screaming abuse, and which eventually became less and less frequent.
This was all extremely distressing, a situation not helped by my own
mother dying from cancer during this time (the day after my mother
died, my MIL felt the need to phone my DH and tell him he needed to
choose between me and his family). Now we are expecting our
2nd child, and my MIL suddenly wants to pretend that the past few
years didn't happen. My husband is keen to make things better,
but I feel unable to forget what has happened. It is not just
about forgiveness, but more that I do not trust her to behave rationally,
and that I don't want to ever expose either myself or my children
to that sort of abuse. My husband thinks that I don't respect
his desire to have a relationship with his own family, and it is the
only issue we ever fight about. I would like the situation to
be better, but I just feel so wary about what could happen.
So, can this situation be repaired when the issues from the past have
not been resolved? My MIL is now on her best behavior, but it
is completely superficial, and the old issues lie just beneath the
surface. She can't acknowledge that she has done anything that
might have been hurtful to us, and this lack of acknowledgment reinforces
my own fear. Really, I don't know what the right thing to do
is. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Dr. Apter's reply:
This is a very difficult situation, and you describe it clearly.
Your mother-in-law does not have the capacity to assess her own feelings:
when she is angry or jealous, she constructs reasons for her feelings,
and cannot be reasoned with. Now her feelings have changed,
and so she ignores the abuses she inflicted in the past. I would
not be optimistic of a long-term relationship with someone like this,
but the superficial affection might continue for some time, and it
is probably worthwhile responding to it. The real problem you
have is deciding how to defend yourself and your family when her rage
returns. The best strategy would be to accept her overtures,
but remains careful and keep some distance. You can explain
to your husband that you are willing to do this because you see how
much it matters to him, but that you hope he in turn will support
you if things begin to fall apart.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My MIL has stolen many things from our home, such as designer towel
sets, small kitchen implements, furniture (2 rollaway beds), family
photos, books, clothes, food, etc., during her self-invited visits
(1-3 weekends per month). When confronted, she either denies
taking it or she says, "Oh, you didn't need that," or, "You
weren't using that," and doesn't return it. Please advise.
Dr. Apter's reply:
I think the best thing would be to tell your mother-in-law how much
you value her visits, but that they will have to stop unless she returns
various things she borrowed thinking you no longer wanted them.
You could offer to help her bring them back to you.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I am not even sure if this is a MIL problem or a GF problem.
Here is the situation: My GF and I have been dating for two
years, and we hope to be married. I am worried about the influence
her mom has over her. She is 22 years old, and still lives with
her mom. She has to call her mom several times a day to "see
what she is doing", and has to constantly seek her mom's permission
for things. These things range from what she should wear, to
how to keep her room. Her dad ran off when she was 8.
Her mom dates, but she is single. Her mom doesn't allow us to
go off for the weekend (because I am a boy). Her daughter has
to be home by 11pm, and she gives my GF a chore list daily.
My GF thinks that this is a normal relationship, and thinks that they
are just close. Her mom goes on at least half of our "dates".
Usually, the three of us go out to eat. I get along well with
her mom. She likes me, and she tells her friends that she hopes
that her daughter and I get married one day. I just want to
get away from her sometimes. I am just scared that she will
try to be just as controlling, and be a horrible MIL after we are
wed. My GF also won't tell me that she loves me in front of
her mom because "she will fuss about me saying that".
My GF thinks that it is unreasonable for me to want the girl I am
to marry to tell me that in front of her mom. We are ring shopping,
and I do love the girl, but I guess my main question is to ask whether
or not this is a normal relationship that my GF has with her mom.
I love this girl, but she thinks her mom can do no wrong. And,
whenever I try to question something (to my GF) that her mom does,
we end up in a fight about it. I understand that girls are close,
but shouldn't some freedom be allowed somewhere in there? Thanks
for your time. Signed: Frustrated and Not Even Married
Yet.
Dr. Apter's reply:
Your girlfriend's behavior does not seem worrying. These days,
it is very common for 22-year-olds to be living with a parent.
The relationship she has with her mother seems strong and close, but
she still feels a little shy about bringing her feelings for you into
focus for her mother. I suggest you put your very general worry
to rest, but speak out if there is some specific issue that concerns
you. If, for example, you and your girlfriend make a decision,
and then she changes it after consulting with her mother, you could
highlight that for discussion. When you speak to her, you could
begin by saying you do not want to criticize her mother, but you want
to feel that you and your girlfriend form a close and protected unit.
You could explain that you know she loves her mother, but you need
to feel that your opinions have equal weight. The real problem
is that in marrying an individual, one is gaining a set of other family
relationships. This will be true of anyone!
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Is there a simple check list for "how you know your in-laws are
intruding"? When you can't seem to get it through to your
husband, and he has been controlled every day of his life, sometimes
seeing what others see as reality helps tremendously. Thank
you.
Dr. Apter's reply:
The trouble with a check list is that it seems to give you an objective
measure, but then you have to ask: Does this situation I'm experiencing
now count as this description on the check list? In any case,
if your husband cannot view your in-laws with any objectivity, he
would say, "Yes, they are doing this, but it does not count as
an intrusion." In any case, what is important is your experience
of your in-laws' behavior, whether you are comfortable with it, irritated
or offended by it, whether you find it comforting or disturbing.
Perhaps you could approach your husband with an explanation of your
feelings and responses, and seek his help in resolving a situation
that disturbs you. If you frame this problem in this way, he
may feel freer to help you because the emphasis is not so clearly
on criticism of his parents.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I have been married for 7 years. I have a 2 1/2 year old son,
and another child on the way. My MIL is moving across the country
to be near us. In some ways, she is wonderful and treats me
like a daughter, but I think she has unrealistic expectations of what
her role is to be when she gets here. She wants unlimited access
to our house (to clean it for me, which I don't want) and my son.
I want my son to continue to have a loving relationship with his grandmother,
but I don't want her taking over. How do I set boundaries, in
a nice way, from the beginning? I don't want to upset her, because
it is going to be a difficult move for her. We have pretty much
gotten along, but there is a tension since the birth of my son, because
I do some things differently than she did. She also tries SO
HARD not to upset my husband (who wouldn't be upset anyway), but doesn't
think twice about criticizing me. I can't help but feel that
I'm losing control of my life and family.
Dr. Apter's reply:
Soon after she arrives, you could tell her that you are delighted
to have her nearby and that you anticipate a good long-term bond.
Explain that you realize some people find this situation difficult,
so you have set down some conditions to avoid misunderstanding and
conflict. Perhaps these conditions could be written down - though
that might seem heavy-handed. You will have to decide yourself
how clear or specific you want to be, but ground rules such as calling
before visiting, privacy time and control over child-rearing decisions
are pretty basic.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives