My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My DH has a married younger brother. He married his wife against
the wishes of everyone in the family, except my MIL. She, for
his sake, convinced my FIL to give his blessings. Since the
day my BIL got married, my MIL has launched a strange project.
She systematically downgrades me and my career (I am an IT manager)
in front of relatives, while upgrading the younger DIL, who is a stay
at home housewife. She makes comments like, "The older
one says she is some manager. The younger one is a businesswoman
- she buys shirts for $6 or $7, and sells them for ten each to her
friends." When all of us have to go someplace together,
she checks how many pieces of jewelry I am wearing, what dress I am
wearing, etc., and then makes sure that the younger DIL is wearing
the same color and more jewelry - petty stuff like this. I hate
to acknowledge it, and yet I cannot ignore because it is so irritating.
The worst issue is that when she is with me, she sings the younger
DIL's praises, and when she is with her, she sings my praises, thereby
creating a rift between us. I, at least, had hoped to get along
well with the spouse of my husband's only sibling. I thought
this was my MIL's modus operandi - to make herself feel secure.
But, a year ago we had a few weeks vacation at the IL's house, where
the BIL, his wife and daughter were visiting too, and I was shocked
to find that she never lost an opportunity to praise the younger DIL.
She called my 2 year old son spoilt, and in the same breath she praised
their 7 month daughter for good behavior - in front of a family who
was visiting us all. What makes it most unacceptable to me is
that I treat her with utmost respect, while she has complained to
my husband about how unhappy she is with the younger DIL's behavior
towards her. SIL is arrogant, and never loses an opportunity
to put our MIL down. My MIL seems to be "wooing" the
younger DIL at my expense, perhaps because my MIL does not do well,
and the BIL lives minutes away from her home, while we are in another
country altogether. When she visits us, she is constantly asking
for stuff around the house that she thinks my BIL can use. She
tries to dictate to us how much we should spend on any gifts we give
to my BIL and his family. It is usually an "as much as
can be squeezed" approach. However, the BIL's wife tells
me that they have always been told not to spend too much on our family.
She is also a depression patient, and refuses to lift a finger at
our home when she visits. While at her own home or at BIL's,
she helps around and certainly does her own chores herself.
Diplomacy and "polite and firm behavior" slides right off
her back. I know from the last 8 years that she only backs down
and stops making rude comments if she is afraid of being insulted
in return. However, when my husband and I got married, he told
me of her depression and inability to work, and how the slightest
things can upset her and make her very ill. I had promised to
treat his mother as my own, which I have done so far. But I
cannot take this any longer. I have told my husband about the
difference in the treatment that I get, but he shrugs it off as my
imagination. How can I deal with the problem without getting
him involved or making him choose sides?
Dr. Apter's reply:
It is highly unlikely that you will be able to change your mother-in-law's
behavior. From your description, she seems very insecure and
prone to envy, so she tries to instill these unsettling feelings in
others. The best strategy is to ignore, as far as it is possible
to do so, her praise and/or condemnation of others, including yourself.
When she inquires about your clothes, jewelry or gifts, you could
try a stock reply, "I'm not sure" or "I'd have to check
that information" - and you could use the same negative, inconclusive
feedback when she asks to be given your things on behalf of your brother-in-law.
As for your husband, it is worth trying to focus his attention on
the reality of your situation. When you describe her behavior,
be as specific as possible. So, instead of saying, "She's
always doing this," explain that when she said this (very specific
thing), you were upset - and then explain why. You could also
tell him that you are deeply upset by his failure to understand what
is going on. That may highlight the importance of facing the
problem.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I AM the mother-in-law! "Ex" that is. My son
and his ex are in litigation over child support. My ex-DIL has
sued my son for more monthly support. He is livid, his new partner
is livid, and I'm trying to maintain a "hands off" stand
and provide my grandson, age 6, with some stability, sanity, and a
haven from the constant fighting and arguing which goes on between
all the other "adults" in his life. My son is angry
and resentful that I have continued to be available for my DIL (as
do my parents). I don't pursue her company, or even initiate
phone calls. But, if she calls for advice or help, I'm available
to her. My son has lambasted me and my parents about our neutral
positions on his legal problems and continuing civil attitude towards
my former DIL. He has threatened to refrain from having contact
with us if he finds out that we have spoken to my grandson's mother.
His paternal family is shocked that I would have any contact at all
with my ex-DIL. She was born and raised in Europe, and has only
lived here since marrying my son 6+ years ago in Germany. She
is still learning our ways, and with my grandson's entry into school
this year, she has been particularly anxious and uneasy about it all.
I'm a school teacher. It makes sense that she would call and
ask me questions. My son becomes enraged when he finds that
we've talked. His new partner won't even speak to me at times
because of this, and they have a new baby, my first granddaughter,
whom I've seen less that 10 times in the 6 months since her birth
(and we live less than 10 miles apart). I'm extremely distraught
over this. I love my son beyond words. I love my grandson
even more! But, it is killing me to see my son so angry and
vindictive towards his ex. My grandson will suffer from this,
and I warned my son that I'm afraid he will too. My ex-DIL was
a part of this family for years before their divorce, and I accepted
her as my daughter from day 1. Because of their legal turmoil
(which I hate, but refuse to get involved in), my son accuses me of
being unfaithful/unloyal to him. I just want my grandson to
know that I'll always be there for him. His healthy emotional
life is of utmost importance to me, but it's a slippery slope.
My son tells me that his partner wants nothing to do with his family,
and adds, "And I agree with her." What am I doing
wrong? Am I wrong to maintain a civil relationship with my ex-DIL?
How can I help my son understand that my actions are for the good
of my grandson? After all, if he didn't exist, there wouldn't
be a problem. But he does exist, and I don't want my him to
end up hating me or his dad for the way his mother was treated (and
my son should understand this because of how he has felt about his
own dad in years past!). I am sorry that this is long and rambling.
I'm very upset about this, and would really treasure some advice!
Thanks!
Dr. Apter's reply:
Divorce is a highly charged process. People tend to emphasize
all the bad aspects of a partner in order to cope with deep feelings
of rejection, loss and disappointment. Unfortunately, your son
wants you to view your former daughter-in-law in the same way.
There is no reason you should accommodate him. Try to talk to
him in person. Explain that your priority is the well-being
of your grandchild, and that his former wife is the boy's mother,
and nothing will change that.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My MIL has a history of having a short fuse and violent temper.
She has slapped adult members of the family, kicked walls, stomped
the floor, crashed dishes around, etc. When my girls were babies,
she became enraged at me (because I wouldn't let her take my baby
off by herself), and she flung and sort of shoved my 18-month old
at me from about 10 feet away across a wood floor. Another time,
she became livid with me (because we were 30 minutes late after a
3-hour drive), and she snatched my 2-year old out of my arms and ran
off into the woods. She was so angry, and I was petrified that
she would throw my baby off a cliff into the river. My husband
had to go retrieve the baby while I held my 1 year old. We haven't
allowed my MIL to visit for 4 years, but now she has invited herself
for a holiday visit. My girls are now 8 and 9, but I'm still
leery of my MIL's behavior. Your advice, please!
Dr. Apter's reply:
Do you have any reason to believe her behavior has changed?
Can you ask what steps she has taken to control her anger? Does
she understand that such violent behavior is unacceptable? If
not, then I suggest you do not permit her to visit.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
This may be more of a husband problem than a MIL problem. But,
I can't decide which. When I met my husband, the middle child
of 3, three years ago, I got the distinct impression that he and his
mother were close. I took this as a good thing, as I've heard
that a man will treat his wife much like he treats his mother.
However, as time passed, I noticed some mother-son habits that are
very disturbing. He is her confidant for everything. She
only confides and trusts in him, instead of her husband. She
seems very needy and dependent upon him. At first, I thought
that this was a one way situation, until I asked him about it.
He became very defensive and protective of his mother, so I let the
issue drop. This was the only assumption I could make, as she
lives at the other side of the country and I had not met her until
our wedding. However, I can no longer look away since our wedding.
She came to visit us, and it instantly became clear that something
was not right. He catered to her every need, and constantly
coddled her. She behaved almost childlike in some ways, and
he treated her as such. But, he also behaved more as a child
himself. He would curl up in her lap on the couch and "cuddle"
with her. He would give her foot massages, and sit next to her
and lay his head on her stomach if she was laying down. Now,
I take this as inappropriate behavior from a man of 26 years.
At the wedding, she threw fits because she felt he wasn't spending
enough time with her or giving her enough attention. I was so
embarrassed at the reception during the mother-son dance. They
were dancing so close that people were making comments about it.
I've had several people, who attended the wedding, call and ask me
if anything "funny" had ever happened in his family, or
between him and his mother. Others have commented that he becomes
a totally different person around her. I've tried to discuss
the subject tactfully, as he becomes enraged if I even question his
relationship with her. She has been nice to me, and says that
she accepts me because her son loves me. However, my husband
can not stand that I have an issue with their relationship.
To him, she is a saint who can do no wrong, and I am no one to question
that. I have no idea how to talk to him about this, as he won't
listen, and believes that there is no problem. But, this whole
situation is driving me away from him and any relationship that I
could establish with my new in-laws. I feel that if it comes
down to it, he would choose mommy over me. That is something
he claims would never happen, but his actions show differently.
How should I deal with this situation???
Dr. Apter's reply:
There is very little you can do if your husband does not want to change
the relationship with his mother. From what you say about her
behavior at the wedding, it seems that she is likely to punish him
(by throwing fits, by expressing great sadness) if he tries to distance
himself from her. So, your first challenge is to convince him
that there is a problem. Try to have specific examples of behavior
that shows he is inappropriately close. Explain that you are
not setting out to criticize either him or his mother, but that you
are concerned about the implications his bond with his mother may
have on the development and continuity of your life together.
I suggest that for the time being, until you have your husband on
board, you sort it out with him, not your mother-in-law.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My MIL is extremely controlling, and I am having trouble getting my
husband to recognize this. During every family event, she insists
on planning each person's activities for the day, down to which car
each person will ride in on the way to dinner, and with whom.
She repeatedly attempts to separate my husband and myself from each
other by instructing me to join activities with other members of the
family because she "would like some time alone" with my
husband. Most recently, she trapped me in the car alone with
her and launched a diatribe, instructing me on the proper way to raise
children, and how important it is for the in-laws to be present at
the hospital when grandchildren are born. She also finds it
necessary to tell us where we should live, how we should run a household,
and how we should act. She has even gone so far as to confront
my mother about why I am so unreceptive to her ideas and philosophies,
saying that I had better learn to adjust because she will never change
the way she deals with her family. She repeatedly badmouths
the spouses of all of the children in the family, continually remarking
about how they are undeserving of her children, and labeling them
as very difficult to get along with. I have spent quite a bit
of time around all of them, and it is clear to me that she is the
problem in this family, and not them. It seems to me that she's
so afraid to lose her son (my husband) that it's driving her crazy,
and the more she thinks she's losing her grip, the tighter she tries
to hold on and control our lives. She is causing so much tension
in our relationship, and when this is brought to her attention, she
tells my husband that I am the one who needs to do the adjusting since
she is the "older lady" in the equation. Essentially,
it will be done her way, regardless of whether she causes so much
misery and disagreement that we eventually get divorced. She
is so frustrating that I dread every possible encounter with her,
her husband, and their unmarried daughter (who consistently acts as
my MIL's mouthpiece). What should I do?
Dr. Apter's reply:
I suppose you might try a counterattack. Be prepared, during
family outings, with an agenda of your own. Then suggest that
there be some compromise. When she utters directives on much
larger points (where you should live, for example), then you might
try thanking her for her advice, and her concern, and explain that
her ideas will be a consideration in your decision, but that you have
to make the decision yourself. Try just repeating phrases like
this, without getting involved in an argument. It will take
hard work to break these patterns.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My MIL, as well as the rest of the family, continuously ask me when
am I going to have a baby. My husband and I have been married
for 2 years. We have been trying to conceive for about 6 months
now. I am really getting tired of being asked, "When are
you going to have a baby? You know, you are getting older."
I wanted to know if there is a polite way to answer all of the family
members when they keep asking this question. I don't want to
tell them that we are trying because it is none of their business.
How do I answer them so that they stop asking me?
Dr. Apter's reply:
Even people who are generally sympathetic and understanding can be
obtuse when it comes to prying into other people's plans for having
children. It is difficult to tell people not to ask - because
then you have to explain why. Try an enigmatic smile, saying,
politely but firmly, "That's a VERY personal question."
Good luck, and try not to be too angry when people are blind to their
own insensitivity.
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