My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I'm getting married in a few months, and my future MIL is the stereotypical
overbearing, controlling mother. We are in the middle of planning
right now. Just as an example, she has demanded that we order
the cake from her favorite bakery, despite the fact that it will have
to be transported over an hour, and is extremely expensive.
She is making her own guest list, and interviewing caterers, despite
the fact that we have told her that these are decisions that we will
make. My fiancé recently left for a few weeks, and since
he's been gone, she has contacted me several times a day with new
dictates on what we will be doing. My problem is this:
I feel like I need to confront her now before this situation gets
any more out of control, but I know that a big part of the reason
she behaves this way is because she lost her other son in an accident
when he was young. Also, after the wedding, my fiancé
and I are moving almost all the way across the country, and I know
that she hates losing him. He won't be back for weeks, and I
don't know how to find a balance between asserting myself and letting
her know that this is our wedding, and hurting her by making her feel
(even more) that she's losing her son to me. I don't want him
to come home to find WWIII between me and his mother. But, at
the same time, I can't let her set a pattern of controlling, especially
not my wedding. How do I handle this?
Dr. Apter's reply:
I agree that it would be best to confront her now, before this control
becomes a pattern. You could begin by acknowledging her good
intentions. You could say something like, "I really appreciate
your excitement about this wedding. It makes me feel so welcome.
But this is something I thought I would always plan pretty much myself,
with my husband-to-be." When you manage to show her that
she's taking too much for granted, try to find some other way of involving
her.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
What should I do with my future FIL? I have always desired that
when I get married, everyone in both families will get along as much
as possible. That is not going to happen, and I'm not even married
yet! My fiancé's dad starts all kinds of trouble.
My fiancé's mom gave him to his father when he was only 5 years
old, and he has lived with his dad ever since. His father is
very manipulative and controlling. He has filled my fiancé's
head with all kinds of nonsense. When we first started dating,
his father was so nice! I met him and the rest of the family,
and we got along well. When my fiancé and I started getting
serious, his father started causing trouble. He started accusing
my fiancé of being disloyal and spending more time with me
than with him. Well, we attend school together about 120 miles
away from home, so it's no wonder that we spend a lot of time together.
His father keeps telling him that I'm cheating, and not to trust me.
He also tells my fiancé that men don't have to clean or cook,
only women have to do these things. So, I'm being a "bad"
woman because I make sure that we share the household duties.
His dad will tell him all kinds of bad things about me (he doesn't
know me from a hole in the wall!). However, when I talk to him
(father), he acts like we're buddy buddy!. He keeps telling
my fiancé that he has to choose between us, and I don't understand
why. My fiancé has never received his father's approval,
and I think that he is willing to put up with this in the hopes that
his father will eventually come around. Things have just gotten
worse. I've read all kinds of web pages about how to deal with
manipulative people, but nothing has helped. I've tried to "kill
him with kindness", but he keeps dragging my name through the
mud. I try not to take it personally, because I realize that
his father would do this to any woman who my fiancé was serious
about. I really need help on how to deal with his father without
damaging our (my fiancé and my) relationship. Please
help!
Dr. Apter's reply:
Your future father-in-law clearly is anxious about losing his son.
Therefore, he accuses you - the person who, in his mind threatens
to take his son away - of being a bad person. He may also worry
about losing his son because he knows he does not have a good relationship
with him, and that he himself has harmed the relationship by refusing
to give a father's approval. Yet he wants to keep you "sweet"
and unaware of his fear, so he is nice to you. It is unlikely
that you'll be able to handle this alone. A first move is to
get your fiancé's support, to explain the situation to him,
and see what he can do to support you. It will, after all, be
a matter of managing the situation, rather than solving it.
And, one important factor is how deeply your father-in-law controls
your fiancé
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I'm not a MIL, I'm just a step-mother-in-law to be. My
husband's son is about to get married to his long-term girlfriend.
They have a little boy of 3. Both my husband and I have tried
to make his son's girlfriend part of the family, but she has often
been "difficult", sulking and crying when she wasn't the
center of attention or when we talked to her partner, or simply when
she was not interested in communication. For example, she'll
yawn as soon as we arrive and say that she's tired. She rushes
meals and plaintively looks at her partner to make it plain that it's
time we left. My husband has hardly seen his grandson more than
5 or 6 times a year since his birth, and she is very hurt by the fact
that he was not allowed to hold him for the first five months of his
life. I'm only a few years older than my stepson and his wife-to-be,
and I've also been very hurt by her attitude. She made it quite
clear to me that I was totally unimportant to her. I've tried
changing the format of our invitations (small gatherings rather than
big family meals, which are a tradition in my family, visits to the
park, short evening meetings, brunch). But, I don't feel that
I'm getting anywhere, and I can feel that my husband's hurt and upset.
However, he's not communicating his and our feelings to his son.
Do you think that it would be a good idea for him to let his son know
that now that he's getting married, we'd like him and his wife to
be even more a part of the family, but that his girlfriend's attitude
has been hurtful at times, and we would like to know why. And,
we'd like to see what we can do to improve the situation.
Dr. Apter's reply:
Yes, I think it is now worth trying the direct approach, and I think
the person to make the approach is your husband. His important
message is that the prospective daughter-in-law's behavior is hurtful
- not that she is rude or bad. You could both focus on the positive
outcome you hope for, and make it clear that this would be easy to
achieve. In all probability, your stepson's girlfriend acts
as she does because she is afraid of rejection. A direct approach
will challenge the reality of that fear.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Would you have some ideas as to why my in-laws brag to me so much?
My husband is an only child, and he lived with them before we
were married. It was challenging during our first few years
of marriage, because they started out being pretty intrusive.
Although we are quite civil (all of us, them too), my husband and
I have finally "trained them how to treat us" (as Dr. Phil
says). But, now, whenever we do see them (not as often as before,
due to our own preference), they just about constantly compliment
themselves when they talk to me. It seems a bit aggressive,
too. They brag about how much our dog likes them, about how
easygoing their personalities are, and about how well they handled
various situations. I like to compliment them. I normally
like people to feel good about themselves, but when I compliment them,
it seems to go right to their heads. They just heartily AGREE
with the compliments! I avoid them as much as I can (which,
although I'm polite to them, surely hasn't gone unnoticed).
We are very busy and working hard, and they're couch potatoes wishing
for entertainment. We feel like we have to meet some of our
own basic needs (literally, food, shelter, and clothing) before we
help entertain my bored in-laws. But, do you think their heavy-handed
bragging to me has a purpose, conscious or subconscious? I suspect
the latter.
Dr. Apter's reply:
People brag when they feel that other people do not notice their virtues
and successes. Perhaps the best strategy is to let them brag,
and join in praising them, and then, when the conversation subsides,
say again how pleased you are about whatever they are complimenting
themselves on, but then immediately explain that you must be getting
on with your own schedule. Perhaps you could encourage them
to "relax", but explain that you really have to do other
things now. In that way, you are emphasizing that they have
to entertain themselves.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 great
kids, and are both quite busy in our lives, as well as those of our
children. Over the course of our marriage, we have had quite
a few problems with my wife's father and stepmother. It seems
to me that we are either in the dog house, or not. We are either
being talked about (to other family members) behind our back, or not.
My wife has a lot of unresolved issues about her father's divorce
from her mother. One of those being the fact that her stepmother.
has not given her any one on one access to her father in the 20+ years
since they have been married. Another is the fact that my wife
had to pull out of college after only 2 years because money wasn't
put aside for her schooling in the divorce settlement. Obviously
these are just a couple of the issues. Others include uncalled
for comments, guilt treatments, etc. My wife also feels that
her stepmother's children's families and grandchildren are treated
differently than ours. That, I don't disagree with, but I can
kind of understand too. Our kids are to the point that they
really don't expect much from them as grandparenting goes. We
dread holidays and birthdays, and try and plan trips to be out of
town on them. We do not discuss this relationship with other
family members or my wife's siblings family (which is a hard thing
because historically, this family is not as private about matters
as we are). I have made several attempts to discuss our feelings
with them. One was even by myself. The result seems to
be that things get better for a short period, then quickly deteriorate.
I'm sick of the situation. I am, currently, not speaking with
them, and they are not speaking to me. They obviously feel that
I'm to blame for the distance between the families. My wife
doesn't argue the fact that they hate me. Am I destined to a
life of avoiding these people and being treated like this?
Dr. Apter's reply:
This is a difficult situation, and is not one you are likely to be
able to control. Perhaps the best strategy is to develop ways of dealing
with your in-laws when they decide that you are in "the dog house".
At that point, you could simply withdraw, and ask them to contact
you when they are feeling somewhat more positive. I would advise
against trying to win them over, but waiting for them to approach
you in a friendly way. But, you might decide that the volatility
of the relationship is so uncomfortable that you would rather keep
distant at all times. It's a difficult decision, but it's up
to you.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I recently lost my mother and 13 year old brother in a fatal car accident.
Within weeks of this event, my MIL began to refer to herself as "mom".
She began signing greeting cards that way, leaving phone messages,
and always conversing with me calling herself "mom".
This is very upsetting to me. There will never be a replacement
for my mother, and I resent the idea that my MIL has decided that
she should now be using this title. My husband and I have been
married for 10 years, and up until the death of my mother, my MIL
has always been addressed by me by her first name. There has
never been an occasion where I have referred to her as "mom".
She was fully aware of this, and she reciprocated by always signing
her cards with her first name, leaving messages with her first name,
etc. I have had a very tense and uncomfortable relationship
with her over the years, and it has not been a secret to her, or anyone
else in the family. I feel that this is yet another way for
her to make me feel badly, as it is a constant reminder that my mom
is gone. The first card that I received with her reference to
being "mom" was for my birthday. I felt so sad and
hurt that she chose that occasion to introduce her new title to me.
I do not know how to approach her about this issue. My husband
has not been understanding of our conflicts as MIL and DIL in the
past, so I have very little confidence that he will step in and help
me. Please give me your advice. Thank-you.
Dr. Apter's reply:
You could approach your mother-in-law by saying that you are touched
by her wish to be a mother substitute, that this shows she acknowledges
how much you feel you have lost in the death of your mother.
You could go on to explain that this makes you uneasy, because you
want to keep your mother's unique image, and your special relationship
with her, alive in your mind, even though she is dead. In that
spirit, you would rather continue on first name terms, leaving that
special term "mom" for your mother. You could then
tell your mother-in-law that she can comfort you, but in other ways.
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