My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I am not sure what I ever did to my MIL to have her not like me.
She has 6 boys, and 5 of them are married. She shows her favoritism
towards one in particular. His wife is her favorite. She
always makes excuses for her. If I don't show up to a family
function, DH and I MUST be having marital problems. But, if
anyone else doesn't show up, it's because they have a legitimate excuse.
I guess it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't ignore our children, too.
She doesn't even know when their birthdays are. Yet, she will
go on and on about her other grandchildren. I guess my main
question/problem is that she acts perfectly fine in front of others,
but when it's just us, she manages to say things that stun me into
silence. She accused me several times of "hitting the bottle
too much", which shocked me, because I'd only had 1 glass of
wine. Or, she tells me about things that "Dr. Laura"
said, which means that DH and I must be ready for divorce. We
have told her repeatedly that we are fine. Why does she do that?
And, how should I handle this? When I tell her that she is out
of line, she laughs and says that I am too sensitive, or maybe I had
too much to drink that day. On several occasions, she has brought
up my husband's ex-girlfriends. I finally lost it at Thanksgiving
this year and told everyone that I was tired of hearing about all
of DH's ex-girlfriends. After all, we have been married for
over 11 years, and have 3 kids together. I would prefer never
to show up for another family function again, but I know I that won't
be able to do that. Any suggestions?
Dr. Apter's reply:
This is a very difficult thing to handle. Your mother-in-law
insults you, and then, when you respond to these insults, first says
that your response is wrong (you are over sensitive) and second, goes
on to give a reason for your "wrong" response in terms of
having too much to drink. One thing I would suggest is, when
she says something to you in private that "stuns you to silence",
say to her, "You clearly feel strongly about this. I think
it would help us both if you repeated what you just said in front
of someone else." Say something like that every time she says
something to you in private that is out of keeping with the things
she would say to you in front of others. She will probably refuse,
or deny she said anything; but, she will soon become more careful
about the public/private distinction in her behavior.
As for her apparent disregard of your children, or her quick assumptions
that your marriage is in trouble: how does your husband feel
about this? It would be more effective for your husband to discuss
this with his mother. Perhaps you could suggest to her that
she does so.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I feel foolish complaining in some ways, since many of the stories
that I read on this site are more horrifying than my own, but I still
need advice. My MIL is controlling, but not in the way that
others seem to experience where their MILs take over the household
by "helping". My MIL takes over the household by expecting
service, demanding that everything be done for her "when it's
convenient, but NOW" and then complaining about everything not
being "the way it is back home". She doesn't drive
when she's here, so I have to play chauffeur to all her needs, as
well when I get in from the office. The fact is, her place is
filthy. I'm afraid to eat what comes out of her kitchen, much
less allow my children to crawl on the sticky floor, etc. But,
I do it to keep the peace, and to not be an ungrateful houseguest.
I'm even expected to do all the washing up at her house. Yet,
when she's in my home, which I pride myself in keeping quite tidy,
she demands fresh towels every few days, makes me run to the store
to get certain items when we have 5 suitable alternatives, etc., and
basically treats me as her maid. I have made a few inroads by
insisting that she learn how to make her own cup of tea when she wants
one (since she drinks about 10 cups a day) and after 9 years I have
even managed to teach her how to use my washing machine to do her
own laundry this last visit. These are big steps, but just not
enough to make her visits anything short of pure he!! for me.
I am the "withdrawn" DIL that many MILs describe on this
site because I have temporarily lost all joy in my life when she's
around. I've put up with so much for so long because they live
overseas, and only visit once a year, but for quite a long time.
I just tell myself to suck it up and it will be over in a couple of
weeks. The problem, now, is that I'm soon to have a second child.
I have no guestroom, and no more strength to work, raise 2 kids and
be her servant for the weeks that she's here. I just can't do
it all anymore. Her last visit ends today with my being heavily
pregnant, working and raising a preschooler. This is as bad
as it's ever been. DH and my BIL both tried telling her that
it was not a good time for her to come for so long with my being due
ANY DAY now. She didn't care about what was convenient for me,
only what is convenient for her. She was an only child, and
I think that sometimes this selfish and immature behavior comes from
that, but I don't know. I'm exhausted, both physically and emotionally.
I suggested that, with our growing families, that we start seeing
each other in a neutral place, where we can rent a large house and
have my BIL and his family come stay as well, and she'd get to see
her grandchildren play together (which she doesn't get to observe
often at all). That way, neither my SIL nor I have to play hostess,
and it might ease the strain of her visits. She was willing
to do this in ADDITION to coming to stay with us, not in lieu of.
She wanted one week with us altogether, then she wanted to come back
home with us for another week or two. DH and I said no, but
she's not having it, and I just can't handle another visit with 2
children to care for as well as a job. Am I being a wimp?
Am I being unreasonable? Helpless and Hormonal.
Dr. Apter's reply:
You are not being unreasonable. I think one important rule for
health in pregnancy should be: No house guests after the sixth
month! What you leave out in your account of your mother-in-law's
demands is the fact that you give in to her. Try to keep your
mind focused elsewhere and repeat, in the same detached tone, "I'm
not going to the store now. Use what we have instead,"
and, "Now is not a good time to visit. You cannot visit
now." If you can get your husband to use this "broken
record" approach too, it might do some good.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
A few months ago, my MIL's middle-son died suddenly. Up to and
immediately past that point in time, I had a terrific relationship
with her, my SIL, FIL (divorced), and my BIL's. However, a month
after this tragedy, my husband and I were involved in a terrible car
accident. I was released early the next day from the ER, but
DH was admitted. That evening, in the ER, his mother stuck to
my DH like glue. She told me to go to her house (it was closer
and I didn't have a car) and to rest. At this point in time,
my DH was still undergoing a few small tests, and was about to be
put in a room (no known room #, though). Thanks to IV pain meds,
I have been told that I deeply offended my MIL by saying something
like, "No, I want to stay. Someone has to talk to these
people (RN's, MD's)." I don't remember making this comment,
but it could have happened. Needless to say, MIL took great
offense. But, instead of saying something to me, she called
her daughter (my SIL), crying, and from that point I became public
enemy #1. I didn't know that this had happened, and I let them
convince me to stay at her home. The next morning, my SIL drove
me to the hospital, but had a lot of attitude, and was downright mean
to me over the next few days (comments, etc.). While at the
hospital, my MIL, SIL, and MIL's sister never left my DH and me alone
(not for a second!). They critiqued everything that I said/did,
and ganged up on me with a nurse who didn't like me. At one
point, before my DH's surgery, I asked his cousin to help me write
him a new living will. She agreed to help. However, her
help was to sneak into the hospital at 6am the morning of the surgery
and talk my drugged-out DH into signing a living will that put his
oldest brother in charge (DH and I have always agreed that we were
each other's decision makers). Basically, his whole family had
convinced him that I was "off my rocker" due to the stress
of the accident. Later that night, in the car, his mother actually
said, "I don't care what any piece of paper says. I have
the final decision." I do admit, I probably was acting
a little wacky, but that was due to the mean comments and overbearing
antics that I was putting up with from his family. Upon his
release from the hospital, they took a "divide and conquer"
approach, calling me on my cell and saying, "We think our house
(MIL/SIL's home) would be the best place for you two to recover for
a few days. DH said that it's ok with him if it's OK with you."
I said OK, so as not to look "unstable", and went to visit
a coworker (also a friend of my DH). While visiting, he let
it slip that my SIL had been saying nasty things about me at work
(DH, this friend, SIL and I work together) and that his family was
planning on keeping him at their home for a while. I became
infuriated, and called my DH, telling him that we had to have a discussion
immediately. Later that day, at MIL/SIL's home, I confronted
his sister, who denied everything. She also commented, "You
may not be around in 25 years, but we will be. We're blood."
BIL chimed in, "You married into a big family. When things
like this happen, you have to step back and let us take over."
My DH was still doped up, and just sat there. I decided to stay
the night (so as not to look like a crazed lunatic pulling my limping
DH into a car at 9pm). The next morning, I thanked everyone
for their help and took my DH home. My DH came to know of all
of these events the during next few days. Mostly, it was because
I was crying all of the time. I was extremely upset at the way
that they had treated me. I never stayed one night in the hospital
with my DH, as everyone kept pushing me out, saying that I needed
rest! My DH finally had a phone conversation with his sister,
brother and mother, but all he stressed was the living will fiasco.
Since then, no one has said a word about what happened, but I am still
deeply upset. I have never received an apology from anyone for
what happened. I want DH to sit down with me and talk to his
mother and sister (the worst offenders). Note: We live
within 15 minutes, and see each other 3 times/week. I can't
continue to see them knowing what happened, and that they don't realize
how much they hurt us. It's been months since this happened.
How do we approach them? Is it too late to approach them?
How do we tell them that they hurt us, and that their behavior was
rude and will not be tolerated ever again??? Please help!
Dr. Apter's reply:
This is a tragic situation which has arisen from grief and stress.
The death of her son has probably caused a profound personality change
in your mother-in-law. She is taking at least some of her anger
out on you. Calling someone "unstable" is a common
move to dismiss legitimate complaints against one's behavior.
It is important that you do all you can to resist this move to dismiss
your thoughts, feelings and decisions. You can say, "Yes,
I am under stress. This sometimes makes me difficult.
But I know what is rightfully mine, and I know what I think.
We are all going through a difficult time, and if we cannot be fair
to one another, then she should keep away from one another for the
time being." (Of course keeping away from in-laws is always
difficult, because then questions arise as to whether your spouse
sees them or stays with them.) If the bad words have died down,
then I would suggest you do not press for an apology. Then,
think about what you want: do you want to see them? If so, you
could simply approach them by saying that everyone has been deeply
hurt - both by circumstances and by one another. If not, just
let things go for a while, and see how you feel in several months'
time.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I have seen many questions on this site regarding pain in the neck
MILs. My problem is that I don't have one. DH's mother
died 4 years before we married. Like most mothers, she was the
communicator. DH still has his father and one sister, both of
whom live close to each other. DH and I live out of state.
Here is the problem. Ever since his mother died, DH has not
felt like part of the family. She had a long illness, and his
sister helped out his dad. And, understandably, the father/daughter
relationship grew closer. It doesn't help that DH was closer
to his mother, and felt that his father favored his sister over him.
But, his reaction to all of this is to put distance between him and
his family. I have to remind him to call his father, and I try
to remind him to call his sister. His sister is an entirely
new problem. She treats him with such contempt and rudeness
when we do see her. DH doesn't want to have anything to do with
her. And, then she complains to my FIL, who in turn calls DH.
DH then feels as if FIL is taking his sister's side, and that they
are ganging up on him. I know that it is common, when you lose
such an important part of the family unit, to have troubles adjusting
to the new situation. And, I have explained to DH that his lack
of communication is part of the problem. I have encouraged him
to talk to his family, or, at the very least, write each of them a
letter explaining his feelings. But, he is afraid to do it.
Instead, he does things like not returning calls, or ignoring his
father's reminders to call his sister. I really don't think
that my in-laws realize the pain that they are causing DH. His
sister does behave in an appalling manner towards him. She talks
constantly about herself, and is always giving him advice, because
she knows everything. That type. But, from being around
her, I don't get the feeling that she is malicious. DH is very
quiet, and I think that the talking comes from filling in the silence.
I really want to have a normal relationship with his family.
As it is, our visits are nerve racking, because when his family riles
him up, he keeps quiet until we are alone. Then, I have to comfort
him, as he cries and misses his mom. It's not making it easy
for him to move past his grief, either, because at this point he feels
that she was the only one who loved him. What can I do?
Should I talk him into going to a therapist? I know that I am
the outsider, and I feel that this should be resolved between the
3 of them. But, if this keeps up, I can see him walking away
from his family entirely. If my FIL were to die tomorrow, I
doubt that DH would ever speak to his sister again. My FIL is
now engaged to a woman whom I can talk with. Should I talk to
her? Should I talk to my FIL directly? Should I leave
it alone and let DH deal with it?
Dr. Apter's reply:
Of course you could try talking with your father-in-law's fiancé.
Hopefully, she will have registered the different ways grief has struck
the family, and she may have an interesting take on your difficult
sister-in-law. Your husband is clearly still in mourning for
his mother, and clearly is comforted by you. He may feel some
guilt that his sister cared for his father when his mother died, and
this may make it difficult for him to confront her. I would
just continue to offer him support, and also to explain that whenever
he would like you to help him confront his sister, you'll be at his
side.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
How do you get a son not to be so dependent on his mother for everything?
If we go out to eat, he has to call and tell her first. Then,
in the car, he may call her on the way to the restaurant. When
we finish our meal and get back in the car, he calls her again.
He gets up and leaves the house every Saturday morning to go and get
their breakfast. We have been married for a little under 2 years,
and this has been going on ever since we got back from our honeymoon.
He has never asked me if I want anything during these little jaunts
with his mother. Every plan we have has to be approved by her.
And, he will lie about what he is doing so that he can spend more
time with her, and I won't know it. I tried to let it pass to
begin with. Then, we started having huge fights. Now,
I'm just tired of what seems like a really sick relationship.
If he doesn't do all this, she calls wanting to know when he is coming.
She is very insulting to me, and I believe that she is jealous.
He is older, and has never been married before. She had him
all to herself until I came along. I don't want to interfere
in their relationship, but I would like to have a DH to have a relationship
with. What do I do?
Dr. Apter's reply:
This is the classic question posed in mother-in-law/daughter-in-law
relationships. A start is to tell your husband how you see his
behavior. Explain how deeply it affects you (and try to avoid
condemning or even criticizing him for it). He will have difficulty
talking about: that is why he lies about seeing her. Your fights
are a symptom of his inability to even begin to moderate his attachment
and your understandable frustration. You may want to work with
a marriage counselor - just because your husband is so threatened
by these issues.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I married my DH 4 months ago, and I am now regretting not listening
to all the advice that I heard before the wedding. We dated
for 6 years, and I have gone through the worst he!! you can imagine
with his mother. I thought that love conquers all. I think
I may have been wrong. I can't remember when she started to
verbally and emotionally abuse me, but I feel like it's never going
to stop. As a counselor, I empower women to make safe and healthy
choices in their lives, including their relationships with their MIL.
I try to be as nonjudgmental as possible. I find myself comparing
their situations to my own, often feeling jealous of their relationship
or always thinking, "I can top that." I often find
myself daydreaming of telling my MIL off. I do defend myself
with her and can be assertive at times, however, she can be very draining
and I give up. I have tried to have DH support me, but he just
gets upset with me for bringing issues up about his mom. Too
often I have cried as a result of her cruelty. I don't want
to waste any more time thinking of her and building up anxiety about
her. How can I handle this situation, and how can I separate
how I am feeling when I am in a counseling session?
Dr. Apter's reply:
I think this is taking up so much of your mental energy because you
are thinking (daydreaming) about various scenarios and trying to find
verbal moves to counter her abuse. You keep mentally reenacting
scenes because you are worried that you won't be able to manage what
she throws at you. The best defense is to tell her, when appropriate,
"This is abuse, and I will not tolerate this." Don't
try to answer her words, or her specific complaints or criticisms:
she will only come back with more. Don't try to justify yourself,
because she will undermine that justification. You can save
your mental energies by refusing to engage with any verbal abuse.
But, this is not easy to achieve, and the anxiety generated by abusive
people - especially those within our own families - is huge.
Naming behavior as "abusive" is an important first step.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My relationship with my MIL began well. However, the year before
we married, she began drinking heavily, an issue that was completely
ignored by her family and friends. She made the engagement very
difficult and very sad at times. What should have been the most
fantastic day of my life is soured in many ways by her attitude.
She even made phone calls to my mother, calling me names and insulting
my entire family. About a month after the wedding, she hit rock
bottom and stopped drinking. However, I've never received even
the slightest apology for anything that was said to me or my family
since then. I'm finding it very hard to forgive without an admittance
of what really happened and how hard it made our lives. Should
I confront her and see if we can get past this?
Dr. Apter's reply:
If she really has stopped drinking, then that is a great success.
I do not think it is realistic to expect an apology - first, because
people who have been drinking do not remember what they said; and
second, people recovering from alcohol abuse find it extremely painful
to confront the damage they inflicted on the people around them.
But, you should have your pain acknowledged, and you might simply
want to say, "I'm so glad you've stopped drinking. I hope
we can have a good relationship, but I have been deeply hurt by you
(the drinking you), and it may take me some time to overcome it."
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
What do we do about a MIL who pays no attention to our kids?
She dotes over her other 2 grandchildren, and sees them at least 4
times a week. They spend the night about 2 times per week.
She even moved into their neighborhood last year. Our kids have
noticed the favoritism, and we have asked MIL to spend some time with
them. Our kids feel like outsiders in her home. She won't
let them play with the other kids' toys, and she will specify things
like, "That is X's bed (or, toothbrush, toy, etc.)."
She gave us clothing one time, and told us that we have to give it
to the favorite one when our child grows out of it. Of course,
the clothing had the favorite one's favorite character on it.
MIL did initiate visits to her house twice, but that's it. Two
weeks ago, she called our 6 year old to wish her a happy birthday
(5 days after the child's birthday) and she told her, "I expect
you to be at my house Sunday to get your present." Well,
our daughter was spending the night at her friend's house, and told
her that she could be there at 2:00. It seemed as if MIL was
not happy about the time, because the favorite grandchild's nap time
would interfere with our daughter's arrival, but she agreed anyway.
Sunday morning came, and MIL left a message on my DH's cell phone
that she couldn't see our daughter that day. She never even
bothered to give a reason why, or to reschedule. So, we were
left to break the news to our daughter, who, surprisingly, was not
too upset (she seem to be embarrassed). DH didn't want our daughter
to call MIL, because he said that MIL will blame our daughter somehow.
This is what she always does. She blames everyone else.
I want to stop trying with this woman, because, at this point, I think
that she is doing more harm than good for the kids. DH thinks
that this is a natural consequence to MIL's actions, and he would
agree with whatever I decide. I really need help. I don't
know where to go with this.
Dr. Apter's reply:
Your daughter was not as upset as you expected, because she has already
taken a shrewd measure of your mother-in-law. Sometimes, it
takes more energy to cut all ties with a relative than to reduce the
contact and your expectations of that person. So, I think the
most emotionally efficient thing to do would be not to invite her
to events involving the children, but accept her presence if she initiates
it. Also, it would be helpful to have her plans clear ahead
of time, and to ask her whether she feels responsible for keeping
her word. Remind her of this (if she says "yes") so
that it will be a little more difficult for her to blame anyone else.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
What is a reasonable amount of visits for a MIL per year? I
realize that this is a cold question, but my relationship with my
MIL has been reduced to this. I have a fabulous, intelligent
DH. I have witnessed him struggle with his own relationship
with his mother, and try, though unsuccessfully, to get her to reform.
She is really caught up in competition (usually with, but not limited
to, women), mostly stemming from her own mother's death very early
in life (when my MIL was a teenager), and her father's remarriage
one year later. Of course, that was forty years ago, but it
is still very fresh in a psychological way. I do believe that
my son (her grandchild) would benefit from a relationship with her,
and I do not want to be cruel, but I "lose the will to live"
when my MIL is in my home. Two other family members (her brother's
wife and her husband's sister) refuse to speak with her anymore, so
it is not just me. Although, I am sure that as the DIL of an
only child, I probably get the worst treatment, and they marvel at
my ability to put up with her. Is calling once a week, plus
an in home visit twice a year, plus a one-week shared vacation, plus
alternating Christmases "enough"? She wants more,
and I am tapped out. I cannot give more, and I think that is
a pretty good package. I just received the computer camera in
the mail that I am supposed to set up so that she can see her grandchild
- at least online. Now I have to look put-together so that I
can turn the camera on and she can see my son. The phone was
hard enough. Am I being unfair? Thanks for your time.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It is perfectly reasonable for you to decide what you can take and
stick to that. There is no answer to the question of what is
"enough". The issue is what suits you and what is
decent behavior. I think you have got that balance right.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I am a MIL with a "boundary issue" that I haven't seen described
yet in these questions. My stepson and DIL recently moved to
my town from another state. Both stepson and DIL believe in
big "clans," i.e., large extended families who live with
or near one another and share virtually every aspect of daily life.
Although I can admire and enjoy "visiting" such families,
I cannot live in one. I am a writer. I love and need my
solitude. I live alone, by choice, and I enjoy my family connections
in time-limited doses. How do I find the words to tell my stepson
and DIL that I cannot be the ever-present, all-giving mother-figure
they both want? I helped raise my stepson, and his father and
I are now divorced (amicably). Life has been difficult for my
stepson (he has a severe learning disability), and I have given him
financial and emotional support in the past. My DIL has two
children from a former marriage, in addition to the infant they have
together. DIL is a "hard-luck kid" who grew up in
foster homes, and works hard to give her children the stable family
that she lacked. Although I admire her for this and many other
reasons, I am disturbed by the assumption (shared by her and my stepson)
that my home is now theirs if they need it, that I am suddenly "grandma"
to two older children I barely know, and that I am being somehow "unloving"
by establishing some boundaries around my solitude. I sense
that my DIL and stepson are projecting their "good mother"
and "bad mother" fantasies onto me, and I don't know how
to stop it without hurting them and their innocent children.
Help!
Dr. Apter's reply:
Mothers and mothers-in-law are frequently subject to the good mother/bad
mother fantasies of others. But, this does not mean that we
are responsible for them. Surely, you can speak your mind, explain
your needs, and challenge this rude opposition by explaining that
you love them and enjoy them, but have your own needs - just as you
have done to me in this message. It is good to have here expressed
a mother-in-law's wish to preserve her boundaries and needs!
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