My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I am new to the USA. DW is American, and I am in process of
applying for residency. Since getting married 2 months ago,
we decided that it would be best to live in the USA. But, because
my wife doesn't earn much, and my papers to work are still being processed,
we have had to live with my wife's mom and dad. It all started
off fine, but now things have been getting frustrating for me.
The problem is that DW is a "mamas girl". When she
wakes in the morning, she goes to talk to her mom. When she
gets home from work, she talks to her mom about the work day.
If she is sick, she asks her mom for advice. She goes shopping
with her mom, then asks me to tag along, but they leave me sitting
alone in the back seat (she sits in front while her mom drives), and
they talk about things that I am not familiar with. So I feel
left out of conversations (my wife says that that's my fault).
I feel like I have no purpose in this marriage, because my wife puts
me second after her mom. Over the last 3 days, I brought this
up, and we've had long overnight arguments and somewhat discussions
till 3 in the morning, and she doesn't think that she does anything
wrong. Maybe I didn't get my point across well, or was too frustrated,
but she denies everything and doesn't see a problem. I simply
want to get our own apartment, but we can't do that yet cause I'm
waiting for my work permit to be employed. Even just a few minutes
ago, my wife's throat was hurting. I was discussing it with
her, and what she may do, but she just got up and went to "doctor
mom". Am I being a jealous DH? Am I irrational?
Or is my wife still stuck to filling the role as a baby daughter to
her mom? I want to get out of this house to our own, but I think
that she will just end up visiting and calling her mom every minute.
When we talk about this, she just bring up other problems and faults
that I have, and she says that I blame her for everything. Please
help. I need advice, or some way to get my wife back.
Desperate and Frustrated.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It might be very effective to emphasize your feelings. There
is no need to discuss who is right and who is wrong; but to say to
your wife, "I love you, and I want to feel important to you"
might send the message you are after. What you want, after all,
is the assurance that your relationship is mutual, and that you and
she can exchange daily bits of news and concerns. She seems
to be in a habit of focusing on her mother, and you can tell her that
you need her to focus on you.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
After 11 years of marriage to her son, my MIL has never once acknowledged
or thanked me for a gift. Not for Christmas, her birthday, Mother's
Day, etc. My DH pays it no mind, because he's not the one who
takes the time to pick out an appropriate, well thought out gift -
that would be my job. I am considering just sending a card for
any future occasions. Is that appropriate?
Dr. Apter's reply:
Yes, you could send a card only. If you are challenged about
this in any way, you could explain that you felt uncomfortable without
any feedback from your gifts, and you assumed they were not appreciated.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
MIL is terrible to me. I come from a household of all girls
(besides my father) and my DH comes from a household of all men (besides
his mother). She says rude things to me when DH is not around,
and my DH and I fight over her actions. DH and I just got married
2 weeks ago, and right now have to live with my ILs because our house
will not be ready for a while. Living with her right now is
awful. On my wedding day, she never even told me that I looked
nice, would not talk to me on my wedding day, and even started an
argument with my mom at the reception. She is an absolute control
freak. I try to be so nice, but it is so hard. I am at
the point where, once I move into my new house, I probably will not
go back to MIL's house again. At our reception, she introduced
another girl there, a friend of mine, to everyone as her new DIL!
How childish! DH and I are very happy together, why can't she
be happy for us? I don't understand what her problem is.
We got along fine until DH and I got engaged, then she changed her
attitude towards me. I try talking to her about this, but she
just says, "Whatever, I don't care," to me all of the time.
She told people before the wedding that she isn't thrilled about having
a DIL. How do I react to her actions, and how do I treat her?
Dr. Apter's reply:
I would treat her civilly. You can be
polite, but I would advise not to try too hard to be friendly.
If you spot an opportunity for a genuine chat, you could tell her
that her implicit rejection of you is hurtful - but if you are simple
cool and polite, she may come around to accepting you without a confrontation.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
MIL is also my landlady. Her financial situation is looking
bad recently, and DH and I are having to bear the brunt of this.
The house that we live in is in a really nice part of town.
It has a good garden, and really more space than we know what to do
with. Although we love our current abode, recently we've been
thinking of moving into a smaller place in a cheaper part of town
because we don't think we can continue to live under my MIL's thumb.
As I said before, we've got a nice big garden, but my MIL insists
upon employing a gardener to tend to it twice a week. She doesn't
tell us how much she's paying this gardener, but charges an exhorbitant
amount to us for his service. I really think that maybe she's
taking a cut of this money herself. Also, she's always getting
the rooms of the house repainted and charging my husband and me for
the cost. Yet, again, we never see how much this is actually
costing her, and it seems that she is making a profit. Most
distressingly of all, she fines us for menial infringements of the
tenancy agreement. For example, when we went on holiday for
Christmas, a third floor window was left open, for which she charged
us $50. Allegedly, it was part of an agreement that we signed
when we moved in. MIL is also very house-proud and makes regular
visits to make sure that we're keeping the house as she would like
it. This makes it difficult to view it as our home, as there's
the constant reminder that she has the last word. It's particularly
difficult to try to face this situation with her, as she often launches
guilt trips on the both of us, reminding us that she has been "very
generous", and that we owe her a lot. I wish she would
be more candid about her financial difficulties if this is the reason
for these constant taxes on us, as I think we'd be able to maybe help
her rearrange her finances and make wise investments, but she doesn't
seem to have much trust in either of us with regards to financial
matters. It would be a real shame to move out of the house that
has become home for us, but that seems to be the only thing left to
do if we are to have more economic and personal freedom. What
would you advise us to do in this situation? What would the
best way to go about approaching her be? Do you think that there
would be any way for us to keep our home and have a more open financial
debate with her?
Dr. Apter's reply:
In-laws and finances are difficult to combine.
Even parents-in-law who try to be generous often have some unspoken
expectation about the rate of return. In this case, I suggest
that you think about this in terms of what you would say to any landlord.
If you are asked to pay for a service or a repair, then you should
be able to see the receipts for her payment. If you cannot have
a real business relationship with her, then you should not be her
tenants.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I have dated DF for four and a half years, and I have gotten along
very well with his mother. The issues that both my DF and I
have with her is that she tends to do things secretly, and does not
necessarily think about the consequences of her actions or how they
affect the other members of the family. A lot of her actions
that negatively affect us have to do with my DF's older brother who
received an intervention for cocaine and alcohol abuse in one year,
and was dropped from his insurance for being obese. He was told
by a doctor that if he did not stop drinking, he would have severe
liver problems. He got a woman, whom he was casually seeing,
pregnant. He got engaged, and now is getting married shortly.
MIL feels the need to include this son in every event, and 9 times
out of 10 she will not let the other members of the family know, and
his presence usually results in horrible family-wide fights and discomfort.
I have no idea what to do. After the brother got engaged, I
was told that I was throwing a bridal shower for this woman, whom
I have never met, in Florida. We live in the Midwest.
She told me - she did not ask me. I just feel trapped to do
the things that she asks. I suppose that I feel "guilted"
into them. Can you give me any advice on how to speak to her
about these issues?
Dr. Apter's reply:
The best strategy is to learn how to spot these guilt-inducing assumptions
and to challenge them. You might confront her with: "I
need to be consulted on that" or "Are you putting this to
me as a suggestion" or "That's really something I need to
consider. Let me get back to you, but I really need your help:
I need you not to assume that I'll do that." In all probability,
she has got used to these tactics because they have worked for her.
You need to show her that they do not work with you.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
MIL plays favorites with her grandchildren. When my oldest DD
was about two, we went for Mother's Day and she picked up one of my
DH's sister's kids and said, "Oh, look at her, she is the prettiest
one!" That threw me into a rage. She makes me feel
like crying! Then, my DH's other sister had a boy, which I thought
would please her, since my DH is her favorite (this is said over and
over again at family dinners and functions by all family members),
but since that is her least favorite child (another thing that is
repeated at family functions), all she could do was talk about how
she thinks something is wrong with that child, and how her DD was
going to be a terrible mother. Then my second child came.
She dotes on her like she is just the greatest thing, while completely
ignoring my oldest child. My older DD will say, "Grandma,
Grandma," and she will act like no one is talking to her.
She will pick up my younger DD and go on and on how cute and good
she is. She will offer to baby-sit my youngest, but not my oldest.
Aside from just never letting her around my kids and telling her politely
that my oldest would like her attention, too, what can I do?
My DH just says that I don't understand. When I ask him to talk
about it, he tells her that I think this and that about her.
What do I do?
Dr. Apter's reply:
Your older child is probably hurt by her grandmother's preference
for the younger one, and I think that is something you could explain
to your mother-in-law. You could also compliment your older
child, when the younger one is covered in praise by the grandmother.
But she seems accustomed to having favorites. Unfortunately,
you seem to come in for criticism just because you notice this.
It would be helpful if your husband could be supportive. You
might try, carefully, focusing on your mother-in-law's behavior when
you speak about her, and explain to him that you are talking about
the behavior, not about how you feel. But your husband may find
it difficult accepting this - after all, he probably feels a bit guilt
as a favorite himself.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My mother is very sensitive when it come to my brother and his new
wife. There have been a few problems in the past between my
mom and my brother's wife, but I thought that they had been resolved.
Even though I thought that everything was going well, my mom is upset
because she found out that he and his wife are spending so much time
out with her parents and not my parents. They all used to go
out together, and now my parents feel left out. I, personally,
feel that she is reading too much into it. They are all getting
along well now, but there have been problems in the past, and maybe
that is why they don't always call them to go out. My brother
and his wife do visit my parents, so it isn't like they never see
them. She is also upset because they don't share personal information
with them right away. I told her that it's because her DIL is
going to want to share things with her mom first, just like I would
share things with my mom first, but to her that isn't a good enough
reason. I don't know what else to tell her to make her feel
better about things. Is she being too sensitive, or should my
brother be trying harder to include our parents in his life?
Dr. Apter's reply:
I think this kind of sensitivity is your mother's problem, and you
can help her by talking about it, and being fair and decent to her
- but not by shaping all activities to meet her needs.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
FMIL to be is very dependent on my DF. She stops by his house,
finds any and every excuse to call him, or come over. She stores
things at his house, and would still live with him if he let her.
About a year ago, he asked her to move. He is 33 years old.
She lays the guilt on very thick, saying things like, "You don't
see me enough," through tears. I feel bad because the reason
that he isn't around as much is because he and I are beginning a life
together. I feel personally attacked when this happens.
She expects my DF and his brother to make every decision for her.
She can't even find a gym on her own. She makes absolutely no
decisions on her own. She expects my DF to call her on the phone
every day, and I think that he wants to do so. DF tells me that
it shouldn't matter. I want to depend on him, and I want him
to depend on me, and it is abnormal to have his mother depending on
him as well. I also don't believe that it would be fair to our
marriage. He tells me that he can find balance, and that I won't
be affected. I don't like to be around her, because she is so
depressed and negative. I have a son whom she would like to
be a pseudo grandparent to. He has two great sets of grandparents
already. I am a strong woman, and I suppose it could be because
of her very weak personality that I really don't want her to play
a very active role in my son's life. What should I do?
Am I just being selfish? Why is this irritating me so much?
She is codependent on my DF.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It is irritating because your fiancé's mother is manipulating
you and her son, and because her son is unable to see how destructive
this is. You do see this, and therefore are rightly concerned
about the role she will play in your son's life. Of course,
she is unlikely ever to have the power over your son that she has
over her own son - but this is still a matter of concern. The
resistance to her tactics will have to come from her own son.
The best you can do is avoid her as much as possible, and make sure
that her dependency does not affect you.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
MIL is very overweight and suffers from obesity-related health problems
which, combined with a sedentary lifestyle, limit her physical capabilities
(such as balance and ability to carry heavy things like an infant
seat with a baby in it). She broke both her feet when she fell
carrying groceries in from the car in a one-story house, and she cannot
get on a ladder to change a light bulb, etc. For this reason,
I have worries about leaving the baby with her. My mother is
healthy, has had experience with 5 grandchildren, and I am totally
comfortable leaving the baby with her. DH is concerned that
if his mother does not get to keep the baby as often as my mother,
that our daughter will be closer to my mother. I feel as if
DH is so concerned with grandmother's balance, and feeling like he
needs to protect his mother, that he is overriding the worry that
he should feel about leaving our daughter with her. Am I being
unreasonable?
Dr. Apter's reply:
No you are not being unreasonable. Your daughter's well-being
has priority over any notion of grandparent fairness. You can
explain that firmly but calmly to your husband. You can say
that you trust his mother's good will and love, but your daughter
needs someone who is fit and agile to look after her.
DISCLAIMER: All advice on this website is for informational
and entertainment purposes only. All responses are from reader submissions
unless specifically noted otherwise (such as Dr. Terri Apter advice page).
We do not endorse any of the advice. We provide it to you as a service.
We can neither guarantee the soundness of the advice, nor make any claims
as to the outcome of following this advice. We provide it for your
entertainment only. Should you choose to follow any of the advice,
it is solely at your own risk. This is not intended to substitute
for obtaining advice from appropriate sources and/or professional counseling.
We recommend you consult an appropriate professional, counselor, and/or
a trusted advisor before taking any action based on this advice.
B A Squared, LLC and www.motherinlawstories.com make no representations or
guarantees regarding any information dispensed on this site.
Your privacy is important to us. Click here to view our
Privacy Policy.
