My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Why would my ILs never include OUR family in vacations, trips, etc.
Her other son is divorced and his kids live out of state, so when
they are here she lavishes them with trips, gifts, outings sleepovers,
etc. Her DD lives with her and her family is included.
However, ours never is. My nine year old children are devastated.
They are so upset. They don't understand. Heck, I don't
understand. I can't even make excuses for them anymore.
DH won't say anything to them. I have tried several times, but
I get denial and blame reversal. It seems that they only include
us when it is someone's birthday and they want a gift from us.
These outings always come out because my BIL tells us (he is vindictive).
Why would she exclude these kids? When she sees them, she sincerely
seems like she loves them. But, outside of that, there is no
effort with them or my DH (their son!). I have lost all love
for them, and I have no respect for DH for not speaking up for his
family. Any ideas as to why they would always exclude us?
Dr. Apter's reply:
It seems that the point to address is the "denial and blame reversal"
you get when you try to discuss this issue. Somehow, you need
to find a way to get your parents-in-law to address the questions
you are asking, rather than the counteraccusations they may offer
in response. Perhaps you could make it very clear in your own
mind what question you want them to answer. Try to frame this
question in a way that does not humiliate them. After all, if
they feel under attack, or if they feel undermined, they will continue
to come back with denial or blame. So, you could frame your
question in terms of how much the children would enjoy having holiday
time with them, how eager the children are to be included, how much
they appreciate many of the things their grandparents have done for
them, and then go on to ask whether they can find some way to extend
their generosity. The point about your husband's support and
your respect for him should perhaps be addressed separately.
I suggest you find some way to tell him how important you find his
input, and ask him whether he sees how important this is to you.
You can explain that you do respect his loyalty to his parents, but
that he can remain loyal to them and supportive of you. In asking
for his help in this matter, you are actually highlighting the contribution
his parents can make to the family.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
How do I get to a "good place" with my MIL when I have lost
so much respect for her? My DH and I have been married for almost
four years, and I have managed to coexist with her well enough, that
is up until my pregnancy and the birth of our first child and her
first grandchild. As if having a child isn't stressful enough,
her actions and reactions have added a whole mountain of additional
stress. And, now I've lost any ability to reason with myself.
I will admit that some of this stems from my own insecurities, but
I really just want to understand where she is coming from so that
I can move on. Here are a few of her actions/reactions:
1. Began reading every parenting book that she could get her
hands on early in my pregnancy because she was "afraid that she
had forgotten what to do". Why parenting and not grandparenting
books? She's the grandparent - not the parent. 2.
I had a hard pregnancy, which resulted in bed rest. And, while
I didn't want/need anyone hovering over me (except my husband and/or
my own mother), she was so upset that I didn't "need her".
3. When DH called to tell her that we were in labor - she hung
up on him multiple times and refused to come up. When she did
come up, she brought two of her girlfriends (FIL was working) and
then proceeded to tell DH that "they had to drag me up here".
She created such a poor environment for our delivery that I swear
I will never be able to think of that day without raw emotions of
disgust for her on what should have been a completely flawless and
beautiful day. 4. I wrote her a letter several weeks after,
explaining my emotions during pregnancy and apologizing for any actions
on my part that could have caused her reaction on our delivery day.
She has NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED my letter. 5. Since then, when
we do have to get together with them - she brings our baby gift after
gift, card after card, and stands outside the door if I am breastfeeding,
waiting to hold the baby, and won't stop talking to her when she gets
her. UGH! I am so short with her, and have no tolerance
for her anymore, and I hate this for DH and for FIL (neither of whom
will touch the issues with a 10 foot pole). It's really causing
some serious strain in our marriage, and I hate being in conflict
with anyone, little less family. How do I resolve it with myself,
as it seems pretty obvious that MIL isn't going to, and she isn't
going away anytime soon? Thank you!
Dr. Apter's reply:
As I read your question, you are saying that the relationship with
your mother-in-law keeps short-circuiting to irritation. This
is a tragic consequence of many frustrating interactions, and is unlikely
to be easily addressed. I suggest that you focus on the distance
you require. Many people will be very upset to read about her
intrusion during your pregnancy and labor; but the problem you can
address is how to manage a comfortable distance between you, rather
than try to change your mother-in-law. In the first instance,
you could explain to your husband how important it is for you to have
privacy with your child, to be able to relax. Perhaps you could
set very clear limits on the amount of time you need alone, or with
just your child, or just your husband and your mother. These
are understandable needs, and you should be able to make them known.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My MIL has some serious mental issues. She's a literal hypochondriac.
It's very difficult for my DH and me to deal with. Every time
she calls or is around us she's talking about what's wrong with her.
She's always looking for sympathy from someone. She tells other
family members that my DH would be more sympathetic if it wasn't for
me. She then turns around and tells me that my DH doesn't care
about her and gives me her "woe is me" story. It's
been a constant headache in our marriage, and I'm really not sure
what appropriate action to take. Should we say something to
her, knowing that she has a mental illness? Should we ignore
her?
Dr. Apter's reply:
There is nothing you can do to prevent your
mother-in-law complaining about you. The important thing is
to behave well according to your own standards. So, I suggest
you offer brief sympathy for her complaints, without encouraging her
to elaborate.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My MIL loved me before DH proposed. After that, her whole attitude
changed. I went to her house to show her the dress that I bought,
and she said that I should wear hers. I said, "My mom had
a beautiful pearl set that I was going to wear," and she said
that I should wear hers. When I declined both, she said that
I was pushing my DH into the marriage and that we shouldn't get married
anyway. Drama ensued up to the day that we got married, including
her saying that we wouldn't let her be part of the wedding.
Then, when we tried to include her more, she said that she didn't
want anything to do with the wedding. She wouldn't speak to
me the entire day of our wedding, and she walked around saying to
our guests, "I can't wait until all of this cr@p is over."
A couple of days after we were married, we informed her that she was
going to be dropped from DH's bank account, and I would be added.
She freaked out, and said that I shouldn't be added, and that she
should stay on. Fast forward to Christmas. We live 1000
miles away from home. We told her that we would spend half of
Christmas Eve and Day with my family and the other half with her.
Her first response was, "Do what you've got to do."
The second response was, "Why don't you just go to your house,
and DS can stay here?" We told her when we would be there
on Christmas Day, and when we showed up at that time, she freaked
out and asked why we weren't there sooner. She then played nice
with DH, but wouldn't speak to me for the rest of our visit home.
This feud has been going on for about a year now, and I'm sick of
it. Do you have any suggestions on how to end this controversy
and get a truce?
Dr. Apter's reply:
The only way to end this feud is for you to disengage from it.
Divide what you think is appropriate, whether it is about money management
or time allocation over the Christmas period, and stick to it.
From what you say, it seems that your mother-in-law has not accepted
that you are your son's wife and that she is no longer the closest
relative. I doubt that anything you say will allow her to cope
with this shift in bonds and duties; but the important thing is that
you and your husband offer mutual support, that you resist any attempt
to make either of you feel guilty about your commitment to one another.
A united front just may persuade your mother-in-law to adjust to the
reality of your marriage.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
DF and I have been together for 2.5 years and engaged for 6 months.
From the beginning, my MIL seemed a little possessive of her only
son, but it was made bearable by the fact that they live 8 hours drive
away. We live in an apartment that my DF's parents own.
It used to be their home for a long time, and now we happily pay rent.
When MIL and FIL come to visit, they treat it as if they never left,
and I really feel out of place. They unnecessarily spring clean
it while they stay (even using my toothbrush to scrub) and I feel
a little uncomfortable about this, as it doesn't make me feel very
worthy. I mentioned this to my DF and he asked them not to do
this, but they still do. Whilst they are staying (which is 3-4
times a year for a week long stay), they take over our house.
I never get to get into the kitchen. They invite friends over,
and unfortunately my MIL smokes like a chimney. This really
offends me and makes me feel physically ill. I have asked my
DF to put a stop to it, but he said that they he won't because MIL
would get too upset. When we are together, they address my DF
in conversations and leave me out. When I do try to get in and
take part, they undermine me and put down comments that I make.
On their last visit I had explained to my DF that I would probably
make myself scarce for the time that they are here because I can't
stand the smoking (even when I am having breakfast) and I feel uncomfortable.
He said that that would be fine. I did still do a lot of things
with them, but I still had to go to work and such. On the day
before they left, they abused me in a drunken rage and yelled at me
for not spending more time with them. A lot of nasty things
were said to me. To keep the peace, I took it all and said that
I was really sorry that I made them feel this way. She went
on to add drama and say that she would have to sell the apartment
and get a divorce because of what I had done. It really was
irrelevant. MIL is very jealous when my DF and I do nice things
together, and is constantly ringing him and putting her problems on
to him. She just isn't the type of woman that I like.
She drinks a bottle of wine a night, yells at children who are too
loud for her liking, and thrives on power. I have still been
upset about the abuse that was thrown at me that night, and I regret
not sticking up for myself. My DF tells me to get over it, and
I have been trying. I haven't seen her since, but am going with
my DF to stay with her next week. I am sick thinking about it.
I don't have my DF's support, and I would really like to make life
easier for all of us. I am willing to be civil, but also to
take a stand for what we need, and to be respected in our home.
How do I gain my DF's support without siding him against his mother?
He gets treated like a baby in their company, too. How can I
make him see that at 32 this isn't normal and it's time to be independent?
I am 24 and independent, and would like him to be, too. We are
getting married next year, and I truly do not want to go into our
marriage with these problems. Thanks so much, DIL.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It does seem important that you stick up for yourself without being
abused for doing so. I suggest that you talk to you fiancé
and seek his help in addressing this situation: there must be, you
could argue, a way of making your needs clear to his mother without
leaving her devastated. You could list the most important problems,
and divide them into different categories. First are the problems
that concern their behavior in your apartment. To set out rules
about smoking and kitchen use and visitors seems fairly straightforward
- which of course does not mean it is easy. But you and your
fiancé could tell his parents that you appreciate living in
the apartment, but that you need clear guidelines when they visit.
Either you are in some way legal tenants, or you are not. If you are
(and this is supported by the fact that you pay rent), then you have
right of occupancy and need them to acknowledge this. The other
issues involve civility and respect. It would be wonderful if
your fiancé could also take note when you are being excluded
from the conversation, or when you are being criticized. I think
your fiancé may need your help in seeing how important it is
that he show you respect in their presence, and the reassurance that
he can stand up for you without "upsetting" them.
They may be initially upset, but he can explain he wants to create
a family environment in which he can have a good relationship both
with his fiancé and with his mother.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I have been with my DH for 20 years now, and I am still no closer
to being accepted into his family now than I was when we first got
married. But it goes back farther than that, too. We have
known each other for years. I can't ever remember not knowing
him. His family is a really tight family. He wouldn't
have ever married me if his mother hadn't died. That is how
close he was to his mother. But when she died, his sister took
her place. You might say that he couldn't make any decisions
or anything without her approval. He would even cancel our dates
if she said that he had to do something for her or one of the other
family members. After we got married, she kept trying to control
my DH, and of course he would want to do what she said to do, until
I got tried of it and started saying something about it. After
we got married, she would come over when I was working. That
is the only time his sisters or family members would come around.
They all felt that I took him away from them, and his cousin never
wanted him to marry me because he told my DH that he would go to he!!
if he did, because I had been married before. I have put up
with a lot of stuff from this family. My DH used to run to his
sister for everything that concerned us. He would always say,
"Let me talk to my sister." We could never make decisions
on our own because he didn't think that I was capable to make decisions
without her approval. Right after we got married, she told us
that his younger sister was going to move in with us. I got
really mad. I had a young daughter and we both worked, but it
was a struggle just getting by. I wasn't about to let her move
in with us (she does not work and DH would have wanted to support
her). I said no, that she couldn't. His sister got mad
at me about it, but I didn't care. She wasn't going to tell
me who would or wouldn't move into my house. She didn't have
any say here. But, my DH wanted to go along with his sister,
of course, and it killed him that she got mad at him and wouldn't
talk to him for a year. But, we were the better for it.
They have meddled in our marriage ever since we have been together,
to some degree, and he never stands up for me against them.
If I disagree with anything that they say, I am being petty and jealous,
and am a bad person because I don't go along with what they do or
say. I have put up with this for 20 years, and I am almost to
the point to where I am ready to leave him. We had Christmas
at his sister's house, and I know that I don't fit into this family,
never have, and my DD isn't their blood. They never included
us (my DD and me) in anything, but the other SIL is always included
because she has children by their brother, so she is part of the family.
I feel as if they go out of their way to make me feel that I am not
a part of the family, too. DH said at this Christmas that he
was so glad that all of the family was there together, but he left
out my DD. He never even mentioned that she was missing, and
that hurt me terribly. I am just writing to ask what I should
do? Move on and just tuff it out?
Dr. Apter's reply:
Whether you leave the marriage and your in-laws or whether you stay
is up to you. But clearly, if you stay, it would be better to
change things rather than simply accept things as they are.
I suggest you seek some way of explaining to your husband that you
are setting limits, but not totally rejecting his sister. You
could ask whether he and you could talk over the issues he brings
to his sister, and discover why it is he seeks his sister's input.
Could you work with him to give him confidence in his own decisions?
Does he need his sister's approval for what he decides? One
way forward may be to work at reminding him that you and he together
may be a center that hold firm. When you are missing someone
in your own family, and he does not miss her because he feels the
important family members are present, it could be useful to speak
to him in private, as soon as possible after he has expressed this
view, to explain that you have experienced the family gathering in
a different way, that you have been missing your daughter, and that
you would appreciate his acknowledgment of your feelings. You
could say this without accusing him of anything; you are simply indicating
your need for his understanding and support.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I just recently got married, and my wife is pregnant (due in a few
months). She said that she wanted to move in with her parents,
in another city, so that we could save money and so that she could
go back to school after the baby is born. Let me start by saying
that she made this decision after we had already put a deposit on
an apartment and after she told me that she wanted to be a SAHM.
This decision was also made after she finally told her parents about
us moving out. So now where am I? I left a good paying
job to move to a city that has a higher cost of living and for a much
lower paying job. DW seems to be all talk to action. She
says that she was going to find a job and go back to school, but she
has shown NO effort in any of it. I feel like it was just said
to get me to move there. This is my problem. I feel like
we may actually have a chance at our marriage if we move out of her
parents' home, but she refuses. She always make up tons of reasons
why not. She comes from a very well off family and I came from
an average family. Her mother has convinced her that we can
not make it on my salary. I know that it would be a little tight,
but it is doable, and then she could finish school or go to work.
And we would be that much better off. She seems to do whatever
her mom says. The whole reason why she changed her mind to begin
with is because her mom threatened to take her car and never to help
out financially. I say, "So what?" I am the
man of the house, but she keeps listening to them. My question
is this: I have tried leaving a few times, as I can still get
my job back (at least for now). But, every time I try, her family
somehow talks me out of it. They make me feel guilty.
I am just trying to do what I feel is best for my unborn child and
my wife. I am almost to the point of leaving without her.
I kind of feel that she is choosing her family over us and our soon
to be family. What are your thoughts?
Dr. Apter's reply:
It seems that your wife is not sure what she wants to do, and she
is caught between you and her parents. Clearly, her parents
are highly persuasive, and possibly manipulative (because they can
talk you out of leaving, and because they make you feel guilty).
So, your wife may need your support in explaining and identifying
what she wants. The fact that your wife has a ton of reasons
why she does not want to move out of her parents' home may indicate
a great anxiety about what to do. If you take a stand based
on authority - as, for example, being man of the house - she is not
likely to feel she can open up; but if you were to explain that you
have a great problem with the way things are, that you feel your needs
are being cast aside, and that you are seeking a genuine understanding
on which to base an extremely important decision, then she might respond
to that sincerity and work with you towards a solution.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
When my mother got engaged, she had a horrible relationship with her
SIL and her MIL. She speaks of it to this day, and still refuses
to speak to my aunt and grandmother (including my aunt's children).
The problem is that my brother recently got engaged, and my mother
is determined to have the type of relationship with my new FSIL that
she never had with her own ILs. In fact, they get along great
- my mother loves my SIL and vice versa. I love my SIL, too
(I was the only girl with four brothers, so I'm thrilled to have a
sister). So, what's the problem? Well, this has been driving
me nuts, and I don't know how to deal with it, but my mother is so
determined to have a good relationship with my SIL that I fear she's
forgotten about me. As childish as this sounds, I feel replaced
in my mother's eyes. My SIL is all those things that my mother
wanted in a DD - she's very feminine, tall, voluptuous, and pretty.
I, though not unattractive, am short, very thin, and prefer pants
to dresses. I have never really been into all those girly things
that my SIL and my mother bond over, so, I feel passed over a lot.
I've already tried talking to my mother about this, but she dismissed
my feelings and even made fun of them in front of other people.
My mother and I used to be very, very close. Now, I'm so hurt
with what's happening that I can't bring myself to visit her anymore.
Please help.
Dr. Apter's reply:
My guess is that your mother is being very positive about your sister-in-law
to make sure she avoids any of the messages her mother-in-law gave
her. But she is your mother, and you could tell her that you
feel "replaced" by this other woman. Odds are that
she will be amazed and will quickly reassure you that as her daughter
you are irreplaceable. As long as you explain how you feel,
this problem could be rapidly resolved.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Do you think that it is normal for a 41 year old man to get a back-scratch
from his 80 year old mother in front of his girlfriend? And,
is it normal for the girlfriend to get upset over this matter?
Dr. Apter's reply:
I'm not sure the issue of normality is the issue. If this behavior
bothers the girlfriend, then she should tell her boyfriend.
Is this the only thing that bothers the girlfriend about the mother's
behavior, or is this symptomatic of other behavior that bothers her?
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I've been married for ten years to a great guy. The only problem
is his mother. She has done many terrible and hurtful things
over the years, and cannot fathom why I do not wish to speak to her.
She has even enlisted the help of other family members to make me
"make a list of all the things that she needs to apologize for".
Passive Aggression is her hallmark, and I'm having difficulty with
her denial. It is an insult to my intelligence, and an even
greater reason why I wish to keep my distance. She has been
consistently inconsistent and luckily my DH supports me 100%.
Oh, don't worry, I have told her exactly why I don't speak to her.
I'm a tell it like it is person. My background is from an alcoholic
family, and I had longed for a close relationship with his family,
dreaming that we could all be one happy family. My attempts
at reconciliation have been futile, and so, I no longer speak to my
MIL. My problem is that I have so much anger towards my MIL
that it's eating at me constantly. I've increased my workouts
at the gym, but nothing helps. I don't want to burden my DH
with this any longer. It's not his fault. Any suggestions
on ways to manage my anger better?
Dr. Apter's reply:
It seems that your anger is linked to your high hopes for a good relationship
with in-laws, as though that might compensate for the difficulties
you had with your own family. Now that you see you cannot have
a good, close relationship with your in-laws, you may feel doubly
let down. Some of your anger is probably frustration at being
unable to fix either your in-laws or your own family. Perhaps
identifying the problem may help you, and then just accepting that
you cannot compensate for all disappointment. But you can enjoy
your marriage, and you can look for other support and affection networks,
and that is a success.
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