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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My FIL frequently offers to give us financial help and to take care
of our home improvements. Unfortunately, this help always comes
with strings attached, such as him quizzing me about our finances
and treating us as if we cannot manage our money to make ends meet.
But, what is worse is that often he makes commitments to spend money
on our home, and then later tells us that we will need to pay for
half. We are both professionals, and we do not need this help.
I have begged DH not to accept it. DH always wants to accept
the help, and is very protective of his father being able to "save
face". I feel that this is my home. His "help"
is intrusive, and it always ends up costing us in the end. How
can I get DH to agree to say, "Thanks, but no thanks," the
next time his father offers to help? We have a fabulous relationship,
but this one contentious issue brings out the worst in us.
Dr. Apter's reply:
You have two problems. First, your father-in-law does not distinguish
between help and control. Second, your husband either cannot
identify the problem or is unable to resist his father. It will
be impossible to address the first problem if you and your husband
do not work as a team. I suggest you try to deal with your husband
first, to explain to him how you see the problem and what you would
like to do about it. You may need to offer your husband a lot
of support, to assure him that in declining his father's help, he
will not harm his father, even though his father may be initially
affronted. Then, you can work together to set out what contributions
your father-in-law can helpfully make. It may be that you say
very clearly that no financial transactions are appropriate between
you at this time. Whatever you decide, stick to it. I'm
well aware this will not be easy, but it will be helpful to the long-term
relationship between you, your husband and your father-in-law.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I just got married this January, after we found out that I was about
1 month pregnant. We are expecting in August, and are looking
very forward to it. My problem, that I seem to be stressing
over from the beginning, is his family, mostly his mother. His
family came to visit from out of the country and stayed well over
a month in our one bedroom apartment. His mother rearranged
my kitchen, cooked, cleaned and even did my laundry. I know
that she didn't have any bad intentions, but when asked why she rearranged
my kitchen, she stated that she wanted to "get you kids organized".
She has since volunteered to come over from her country to take care
of our DD when she is born. She volunteered this when we first
found out, and I was totally against it. Because I love DH,
I agreed to her doing this because it would really help us out money-wise.
Since then, she has stated that she would now like for us to pay her.
I have advised her and DH that if she becomes illegal at all, she
will not be allowed to take care of our baby. She wanted to
come 2 weeks prior to my due date and stay with us in our 2 bedroom
apartment. I refused, telling DH that I don't want any of his
family staying with us for more than two weeks. She expected
to live with us when she came over, and I refuse. I am already
having a hard time allowing her to take care of our child for a number
of reasons. But, now she is asking for us to pay her.
I don't know how to handle this. DH thinks that I hate his mother,
I don't. I just don't have a connection with her. She
doesn't speak my language, she drinks on a nightly basis and she is
a big smoker. I am not comfortable with this. I need help.
Dr. Apter's reply:
I suggest you state your wishes as clearly and calmly to your husband
as you have to me. It is your child, and it is the health of
your child and you that you must put first. Having your mother-in-law
stay with you to "help" you when you would rather she not
be around, will add to tension and disruption and distress.
Furthermore, the harm to a baby of a smoker in the home is well documented;
you could emphasize that as a reason, too. You can explain that
you do not hate your mother-in-law, but that she would not aid your
well-being. I suggest that you make every effort to speak out
now and make sure that your needs are respected.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I have been married for over 19 years. I have a wonderful DH.
He is a strong man. He moved away from his family 25 years ago.
We currently live in a city where his aunt lives. DH's father
left the family when DH was five. No relationship was continued
after that. His mother was very young, and began to leave town
every weekend to visit a man (this went on for several years, although
they did not marry). DH was raised by his GPs, as was his sister.
His mother was there with them Monday through Friday, but worked long
hours. So, his GPs pitched in at all times. When he was
19, his mother remarried and moved away with his sister (5 years younger).
DH was somewhat on his own. He moved around a lot, and we were
later married when he was 28. We met when he was 26 years old.
Nineteen years later, I am wanting to finally set boundaries with
my ILs. They, in my mind, are a very difficult group of people
to deal with. Thank-God my DH had the good sense to ensure that
we live 1000 miles away. Even with this distance she has managed
to come see to us at least once a year for 19 years. When she
arrives, she cleans, cleans and cleans. DH had a falling out
with his step-dad five years ago, and my SFIL has not spoken to my
DH since. Note, my SFIL has not spoken to his own two DDs in
over 20 years, so this is not unusual behavior for him. Since
that time, my MIL arrives alone at my home for a week and cleans as
mentioned. She talks incessantly about all the good deeds that
she and her DH have done for elderly family members, friends, etc.
She won't do this in front of my DH, but does it nonstop in my presence.
She has remained silent on what happened between my DH and her DH,
and this has caused great pain to my DH. When it gets a little
heated, she cops out and might begin to cry by speaking of relatives
who have passed away. She says that she doesn't feel good, mopes
around for a while, and then begins to clean again. When I say
clean, I mean clean, clean, clean. Of course, I am ready to
tell her to go take a flying leap into he!!. I have not, since
I am an IL and since I am not subjected to her on a daily basis.
Distance is the only reason that I have endured any of this.
I do not call her, send her any correspondence, etc. DH wants
their love so badly (mother, sister, stepfather, aunt, uncle, etc.),
but he has not gotten along well with them in the past. Trust
me, you wouldn't either. They are nuts. The cleaning makes
me, my two sons, and DH feel inadequate. As a matter of fact,
everything that she does, and a lot of what she says makes me and
my DH feel inadequate. I am hoping that as time goes on we will
see her less and less. I feel that for me this is a no-win relationship,
and I don't want to engage in any type of dialogue much longer.
To make matters worse, she loves her DD with all her heart and finds
total perfection in her and my SIL's two children. My SFIL finds
perfection in them, also. Likewise, my SIL loves them and finds
perfection in them. Finally, his aunt (my MIL's sister), who
lives in the same city we do, attempts contact with us so that she
can tell us how much money my SFIL has given to family members (he
is well-off), what nasty things he has said about us, etc. I
made a point to stay totally away from her. Do you think it
is wise for me to cut off all connection with these people, since
they are DH's blood-kin as well as my children's blood-kin.
I have tactfully, but strongly explained to my DH that my anger level
can go no higher. He understands, but I do not want to cause
him more emotional pain. My MIL does love them (the way she
knows how to love) and has sent my children many gifts over the years.
I just hate even hearing her voice, or the voice of my SIL, aunt-IL,
etc. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It is very difficult for any of us to know how to handle an intense
dislike or irritation for a relative. You have managed to separate
out many different strands in your feelings, and that should help
you in addressing the problem. I think you have to ask yourself
whether you can tolerate any visits from your in-laws. Would
it be tolerable if they stayed for a shorter period of time, and if
you made sure that you could be out of the house, doing other things,
when they visited? For I do not think you will be able to change
their behavior. On the other hand, you might decide that you
simply cannot bear seeing them. In that case, you will have
to tell your husband and ask him to accept the consequences.
Or, you could manage to be away when they do visit.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I am new to this web site, but I need some serious advice. I
have been married for 1 year and my MIL is treating me terribly.
DH and I dated for 4 years before getting married, and I spent a lot
of time with his mother. I admit that I should have distanced
myself, but I did not have the balls to tell her that I did not want
to do things with her. Here is a breakdown so that you can get
a good idea of the situation. She would call our house early
Saturday morning. If I did not answer, she would call back until
I did, or leave a sarcastic message on the machine. If I picked
up the phone, she would want me to go shopping with her, etc.
If I said that I wanted to clean house or anything else, I ended up
in a debate, trying to justify why I did not want to go. I would
always go, and it was every weekend that I was with her. We
recently moved into a house. She pops up, does not call before
coming over, etc. I have set some boundaries, and now I do things
with friends and try to stay busy. She treats me so rudely now,
hanging up the phone when I call her, or acting like she is irritated
whenever I call her. I do care about her, but it was like she
was trying to have too much control over me. Now that I have
basically cut her off, I am public enemy # 1. I can't talk to
DH about it because he becomes very defensive about her, even though
she will treat him rudely if she does not get her way. She is
divorced, and lives by herself. I just don't know what to do.
I am feeling so uncomfortable. Please help.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It sounds as though you have already done a great deal to address
this problem. You could take it further by telling her that
you do care about her, that you do want a friendly relationship with
her, and that to manage this you need her help. You would like
her to understand that you have the option to say "no" to
her suggestions about when she visits and when you do things together,
that you ask not to be punished by rudeness for declining her suggestions.
You could then give examples of things you do like doing with her.
You could explain to your husband that you admire his loyalty to his
mother, and that you are not trying to undermine his love or loyalty;
but that you hope he will support your efforts to maintain a relationship
that suits you and his mother, not just his mother.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I actually like my DIL, but at times she makes it very difficult for
me to like her! She can be initially welcoming, but then she
will become hostile, uncommunicative and dismissive of DH and me.
She is a different person with friends, and will laugh and joke with
them, but not with us. She is an only child of professional
parents, and sometimes when she visits our home, I feel that she does
not want to be involved with our family life, and she becomes cold
and remote. Our GD is nearly 3, and a great joy to DH and me,
but I feel that we must not confront the issue because our DIL may
prevent us from visiting and having outings with the little girl,
who, obviously from her greetings when we arrive, enjoys our company.
I am not sure if our son realizes that there is a problem. We
have never broached the subject with him, as naturally he will support
his wife. I feel that if we could understand our DIL's response
to us, then we, as the "mature" people, could possibly retrain
our behavior in her company. She is 34 years of age, of corporate
responsibility, but only working part-time from home at the moment.
She is an excellent mother and the marriage appears to be very good.
Sometimes, she is confrontational with our son, but he knows how to
cope with her and has actually told our elder son that he enjoys "the
challenge that she brings"! Unfortunately, DH and I do
not enjoy the challenge! Sometimes I feel very unhappy after
a visit, although I have enjoyed seeing our GD.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It sounds as though your daughter-in-law has mixed feelings about
you. It may be that she herself would find it difficult to express
them; but since you clearly have good will towards her, I think it
would be worthwhile encouraging her to open up so that together you
can solve the problem. You could do this in a number of ways.
You could ask that you talk to her, explain that you are so pleased
when she is friendly, that you are afraid you offend her in some way,
because she then becomes cool towards you, and that you seek her help
in understanding how you can avoid offending her. If she denies
that she is ever cool or hostile, then you will have to find some
other way forward; but, from what you say about her challenging behavior,
she might be direct with you. It is indeed possible that your
son does not notice the shift in her behavior; it is very common for
women in a family setting to be far more sensitive to subtle changes
in mood and manner than are men.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Thinking about my MIL makes me fear for the longevity of my marriage.
I have been married just under two years, and we have an eight month
old DD. The only problem that we have is my MIL. She was
fine until DH and I eloped. Then, all of a sudden we were asked
to remarry"properly". I was asked to change religions
in order for this to happen, and much was said about the christening
of our future children. As a woman in her thirties, I resented
the intrusion, and said so. Things got worse. MIL decided
to live with the marriage, but became clingy. She said that
she didn't want to lose her son, and her answer clearly was to have
as much contact as was humanly possible with me. The son, conveniently,
was always too busy. I, on the other hand, was pregnant at the
time, not working, and a "sitting duck", as it were.
She would come over and whine about how little she saw of her son.
When I was six months pregnant, how devastated she was when her other
son separated from his wife, because she loved the ex and they were
the best of friends. I have been very honest with her from the
start that I think relationships are built over time, and that I don't
respond well to the pressures placed on me. This is mainly ignored.
After the birth of our DD (two weeks after, actually) she started
a big argument along the lines of, "Do I have to make an appointment
to see my GD?" To which I replied, "Yes."
After that there was a whole lot of emotional vomiting and I have
never forgiven her for placing that pressure on me at a time when
I was already stretched to my limit. The situation got worse
again recently when she sent her son an email telling him that she'd
had bad feelings lately that he may be unhappy in his marriage and,
if that were so, that he needn't feel compelled to stick it out.
"These days," she said, "there is always divorce."
She said that she will understand, and he can come back home.
We were flabbergasted, because we hadn't seen her for ages.
Also, if we were having problems in our marriage, this was not the
response from family that we would expect. After that email,
I wrote to tell her that she would not be welcome in our home if she
continued to be negative about our marriage, and that her problem
was with the fact that she didn't have a close relationship with her
son. I am just the scapegoat. She responded by saying
that I don't realize that her son thinks about her every day, every
minute of every day, every second of every minute of every day (I
wish I was joking). Now she is coming back to our house and
spending time with our DD (who she, incidentally, used to call by
a different name because she preferred it to the one that we had chosen).
The reality is that every time I see her, it produces within me a
growing distaste for my DH and my marriage - anything that could possibly
remind me of her. Even though DH is supportive of me (whilst
being understanding of her), I still resent him bitterly (because
of the fact that there were any problems at all, and that they were
not dealt with expeditiously from the outset by him). Because
it was left to me, I have had to, at times, be strict and cold with
her - the typical "difficult DIL". I have had to set,
reset, reconstruct and realign boundaries that are constantly being
broken. Finally, I fell in love with and married a man, not
a boy. All of the dramas have been over her not wanting to let
go of her boy, and the problem is that this challenges the view I
have of him as a man, somewhat. What do I do?
Dr. Apter's reply:
There are many different problems here, as there often are when any
in-law problem arises. Your mother-in-law seems both willing
to accommodate the marriage, in that she changes her approach when
you insist that this is how it's going to be (such as declining to
change your religion), but she is also highly controlling, as she
insists on using her own name for her grandchild rather than the name
given by you, the parents. Her claim that her son loves her
totally is of course an attempt to tell you that he does not love
you. Unfortunately, from your description of your feelings for
your husband, she seems in danger of succeeding. I think that
your anger has affected your feelings for your husband. It sounds
as though, like many people, he is torn between loyalty and love for
his wife and for his mother. It would be helpful if you could
come up with a clear and specific description of a relationship with
your mother-in-law that you could tolerate. Could you list the
boundaries that are most important to you, and work consistently to
maintain them? If that could be successful (though I know it
will not be easy), you would feel less angry towards your husband.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
DH and I have been married close to five years, and throughout this
time my MIL has showed undeniable favoritism to my DH's first son.
When DH's first son was born, MIL became a primary caretaker for him.
When he divorced, my MIL became even more involved, since DH had primary
custody, and was working. When we first began dating, MIL took
care of her GS's daily needs, bought all of his clothes, and paid
for his part-time daycare, etc. In fact, she was still hand
feeding and dressing him at five years old. MIL became very
jealous after some time because my son, who is from a prior marriage
and is the same age, became a permanent part of the picture.
She would often yell at him when both boys were being difficult.
Today, DH and I have another son of our own. He is three, and
my MIL basically wants nothing to do with him that requires an kind
of emotional investment. She has arranged to have separate after
school play time with my stepson every week (through his mother) and
has only once, in the past year, spent one on one time with our son.
That was, BTW, with us asking her to do so, and for only two hours.
I am very angry at this woman, and often do not want to be around
her at all. She tries to do nice things for DH and me, but not
for my children (older son and three year old). DH says that
I seek out the negative in her and am paranoid when it comes to the
extent to which she will favor my stepson over my sons. He has
confronted her in the past, since during Christmas she would give
each of my kids one present, but give my stepson six (not an exaggeration).
It was very painful to sit and deal with this. DH doesn't seem
to want to deal with these issues anymore because he feels that he
isn't going to change her, and doesn't want everyone fighting.
I, on the other hand, would like to cut off her relationship with
all the kids, since she cannot be fair. In addition, it weighs
heavily on my marriage. I feel that DH is a weak-minded person
for not confronting his mother more. Please help.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It would clearly be painful for your mother-in-law to be cut off from
her grandchildren, and I hope you can find some other way to manage
this situation. It would be helpful if you could speak to her
to explain how hurtful and confusing it must be for the other children
to witness such clear exhibition of her favoritism towards your stepson
I suggest you have recent and very specific examples of this in mind
when you speak to her. You could explain that this is bad for
all the children, even for your stepson, and that it could badly affect
the children's relationship with one another. Ask her if she
is willing to help address this problem. You could explain to
your husband that you are concerned about a very specific issue with
your mother-in-law. You can defend your perception of her favoritism
with very specific examples. You could also assure him that
in admitting to this problem, he is not being disloyal to his mother;
in fact, his support would allow the problem to be addressed more
effectively.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My relationship with my ILs has been strained since I met them.
Thankfully, that wasn't until my DH and I had been dating for 6 months.
I guess this story starts way before me. They have always called
DH "dumb", and acted as if he would never be anything but
a drunk. They made his older brother finish school, but they
moved and left DH a state away to fend for himself when he was sixteen.
They let him drop out at fifteen because obviously, if he couldn't
play football anymore due to an injury, there was no point in wasting
his time. My FIL acted as if DH would not be able to pass his
GED test, for god sakes, and made fun of him for studying when he
started taking college classes. They have long paid my brother
and SIL's bills, and are on call to keep their children, but they
seem to have little interest in my son. Truly, it seems that
the only interest they have at all results from jealousy when his
great grandparents, my FIL's mom and dad, interact with him.
MIL has worked really hard to sabotage my relationship with everyone
in my FIL's family, but it didn't work because they are wonderful
people who can think for themselves. My question is this:
With another baby on the way, I'm often torn between fighting for
equality for my children by either masking the difference in treatment
between them and their cousins, or (my least favorite option, since
I never had grandparents and my mom and dad are so dysfunctional ((literally
a danger: children have been harmed)), completely withdrawing from
them and seeing them as little as possible. The last time that
I brought up to MIL how bad she was making my DH feel, DH completely
denied caring and said that it was me who cared. She then worked
really hard to make it seem as though I was being hateful to DH's
3 year old niece. It hit home, too. She's a great manipulator.
I discussed it with several friends, and it took me about 3 months
to realize that she had concocted the whole thing. She made
me hate myself. I guess that when DH sat there and nodded his
head, when I thought he knew me best, it didn't help. I imagine
that everyone else still believes it. I believed it about myself.
She convinced me at one point that FIL's mom was a conniving witch,
too, and when I started to agree with some of the things that she
said, she told everyone that I said them. I have her number
now. But, I don't want to go to war, so I don't think that confrontation
is an option. I hate the thought of her getting her claws into
my kids and trying to ruin their lives, too. If I should approach
her and him, how should I do it?
Dr. Apter's reply:
I think that before you can see your way through these problems, you
should talk to your husband to find out what her wants. You
could admit easily that you are indeed bothered by the ways they treat
him. He may be used to it, and he may feel so divided by love
for them and the shame their behavior has caused him, that he does
not want to confront them. But, if you explain that you feel
he has been treated very unfairly by his parents, that he has been
very lucky to survive such behavior, and that you do not want your
children to be subject to the abuse and neglect that he experienced,
then you and he may be able to find a way of dealing with his parents
and protecting your children. It also sounds as though you need
to protect yourself from their abuse, and you could ask your husband's
help with that. He may be used to their behavior, and may himself
have found ways, over the years, to deal with it; but that does not
mean you also have to tolerate it.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I am writing to you out of desperation. I have a mom who hates
my DH in a manipulative sort of way. No one can see it, but
us. She will make hurtful comments to my DH. Her DH is
sick, and they don't have the best relationship, so she comes over
every day during the afternoon. This interrupts every afternoon
that we have. And, as I said , it is not always a pleasant visit.
We owe her money from when we first got married. She holds that
over our heads and says that if her DH found out that the balance
is on the credit card, they won't remain married, and she blames us
for the fact that she is broke. She uses these issues as control,
and to come over. She will never baby-sit the kids or offer
any help, yet she is over every day. So, DH and I have no alone
time or any time to ourselves. If I am going to the zoo , she
will say that I wish someone would take me to the zoo. I can't
take it, and it's straining my marriage. Please help.
DH keeps complaining that it's ruining his life.
Dr. Apter's reply:
In the first instance, I suggest you make a plan of repayment for
what you have borrowed from them. Then, explain to your mother-in-law
that you will do the best to sort out the financial matters between
you, and there financial matters end. In all other respects,
you are daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. If you do not wish
her to visit, then you have every right to say so and insist that
you be heard. You can be polite about this, while you insist
that you have control over your privacy and your daily schedule.
If your mother-in-law does not want to baby-sit your children, then
she has that right, too, to decline, but she can stay out of your
way. It would help if you could be assured of your husband's
support; after all, if you could put these rules in place, you would
both benefit.
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