My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I don't know how else to let my DH understand that he must cut the
umbilical cord with his mother. On our last vacation we asked
our ILs to watch our dog. When we came back, our laundry was
done, she had made an appointment for the dog to see the vet (nails
needed clipping), and she and FIL put a screen door on the front door.
These are just a continuation of the things that she continuously
does. She is constantly proving how great of a mother, wife,
and person she is by controlling our marriage. She is a "Marie
Barone" incarnate. I realize that he is stuck in the middle,
but I recently got even more frustrated with him because he called
his mom and asked her if she could take our patio table, since we
could not find chairs. He didn't even ask me if I wanted to
get rid of it in the first place. I was so hurt because he just
did what his mother is constantly doing, making decision for us without
asking first, and stepping over the boundaries. I really think
he doesn't even get it; sometimes it seems like a joke to him.
I really don't know what else to do. Please advise. Signature:
MIL Hater
Dr. Apter's reply:
I suggest you start with something very specific, at the time the
incident occurs. As soon as you learn that your husband has
entered into some agreement with his mother, explain to him that you
need some input in this agreement. This will be more effective
than looking back to something that occurred some time ago: in such
cases, two people rarely agree on what actually happened, the sequence
of events, and who did what.
You describe two problems, really: the mother-in-law's behavior and
your husband's encouragement of it. You could try telling your mother-in-law
that you value her help, on occasion, but that "less is more,"
but I doubt that she will hear this. You may have to forego
her help in anything: if she takes care of your dog, then she probably
will feel free to do other things. Her over-functioning may
not be quite as competitive as you think (it's difficult to be sure
of these things), but if it annoys you, if you find it intrusive,
then you may have to decline it totally.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Five years into my marriage my spouse wrote me a letter and put it
in my briefcase for me to read at work. In short, despite communicating
about every choice we made, he said that he really did not want to
be in agreement with me on those choices, and I found out later that
he was telling his true feelings to his mom. Although she has
lived out of state, her visits resulted in my feeling like an outsider
in their marriage! Now my FIL has passed away, and although
we have wanted to move south into the same state that she lives in
for a warmer(?) climate, he admits that he wants to live in a city
close enough so that he and MIL can lunch together on a regular basis!!!
WE (DH and I) do not lunch together unless I, as the alpha dog, would
push it and see that it happens. He may have fantasized about
being closer to mom unconsciously, and now it can be a reality with
FIL not there. I think that in part he may fear annihilation
as an adult male if he gets close, as he says that he is torn NOW
about moving at all, since I want to live four hours away from MIL.
I try to point out that living 3 hours away rather than the current
9 would allow him to support MIL on holidays/long weekends, but he
wants more. He cannot seem to find middle ground and set BOUNDARIES.
He was 29 years old when we married, and he had no experience with
women, outside of mom. He is a very soft spoken, kind and gentle
minister who enjoys interacting with our 9 year old DD, and he is
definitely closer to her than I am. I am in counseling individually,
but my spouse does not see any need to set boundaries anywhere, and
feels that I am just used to a "less close" family and cannot
relate to a close one. He sees it as just my problem, period.
Although I finally stopped being always too "nice" and had
a screaming rage yesterday, he just wants to act as if nothing has
happened, and said that we should continue planning our move out of
state. Is there any hope that he can awake and see the triangle/enmeshment
with his mom? If so, do you see hope for change? He did
try counseling years ago, but he chose someone whom I later learned
has a fused relationship with her mom that is affecting her marriage!
He wants to go back to her for counseling (she never confronted him
about the issue!). With FIL now gone (whom I liked and admired)
and my spouse being the eldest of 5 (and MIL's historical "helpmate",
as FIL was consumed with work), I am wondering if this second marriage
of mine (first was abusive) has any hope for a future. I certainly
want to do all that I can for my DD's happiness. She has observed
the dynamics though, and spoken aloud, in a precocious way, what she
is seeing. Hoping for a response and THANKS for your site!
I need a support group!
Dr. Apter's reply:
Groups support for family problems is indeed helpful, if only to assure
you that you are no alone. So, find like-troubled friends if
you can.
In the meantime, I suggest you have a clear and forceful discussion
with your husband. First decide what points you want to make,
and what outcome you want. Be as clear about this as possible.
Try to address the big things (such as where you are going to live,
rather than whom your husband has lunch with), and be as specific
as possible about the behavior you want to change. In this discussion,
I suggest you avoid hypothetical arguments (about what might happen
or about your husband's unconscious hopes). In the first instance,
you want to set out your basic demands
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Both my DF and I have been struggling with her parents. She
is the oldest child, and she has endured the hardship and struggle
of her parent's nasty divorce (the divorce happened about 10 years
ago). There is a huge rift between her mother and father, and
it seems that they are constantly struggling for control / approval
/ or whatever it may be of their children. They are still constantly
complaining to my DF, "Your mother this," or, "Your
father that." When she talks to them on the phone, they
don't ask her about herself, it is always about their problems.
The only time they seem to talk about her (to her) is when she is
having problems. When DF's parents got divorced, her father
moved her and her sister out of state from her mother. He then
went through bankruptcy. To help the family survive during the
years that followed, he used credit cards in my DF's name. He
has started to pay some of the cards off, and the balance is not high.
However, he still uses the cards, not out of need, but out of convenience.
After a lot of discussion DF and I have come to an agreement that
she should close these cards to prevent future use by her father.
DF, being the amazing person that she is, has put herself through
college despite her hardships. Her parents never supported her
attempt to go to school, and even discouraged her from doing so, saying
that she was wasting her time, etc. This is not much different
than her experience as a child, where the other sisters were encouraged
to develop talents and abilities, while she was discouraged and even
hindered from doing so. DF has had some trouble with health
issues and with bad jobs lately. I have supported her 100% (financially,
emotionally, physically, etc.) in getting healthy and helping her
through these hard times. When she was critically ill, no one
would recognize her struggle, and no one else was there to support
her. It was still about them only. I have done everything
that I can to help her parents. For example: I paid for
her father to go through a second bankruptcy and helped him with bills.
But I have made up my mind to not help any further. DF's father
has become very religious. He has sent us about 15 Bibles and
tons of religious material. He talked about becoming an ordained
minister and even marrying us. But recently he told DF that
we shouldn't get married and that we need to straighten out our lives
and find the lord. When my parents gave DF some kitchen items
that she wanted for Christmas, her mother took it that my family and
I were trying to make her cook and clean for me. DF's mother
and her sister have now been saying that DF needs to not rely on me,
that people sometimes aren't around forever, and have offered ideas
that she should move away. Her mother has offered her a job
with her friend out of state. For some reason her mother and
sister seem to have developed in their mind that I am controlling
her and making her do things that she doesn't want to do. Her
father has dreamed up the idea that we are bad people. I promise
you, this is not the case, I have supported her in her decisions
and have been helping her achieve her goals. And, we are actually
very good people. All this is very hurtful to us, and we don't
understand why they are acting this way. I feel that the experience
has made our relationship stronger, but it is still a slippery slope
for us. I have told DF that she should stand up for herself
when they act this way, ask them why they think the things they do,
and tell them that the things they say are hurtful. I have been
a very good to her and her family. I know that I should believe
in myself and not let their opinions affect me. I am looking
for ways that I can help DF and myself when stuff like this arises.
I also want to understand why they are acting this way. I would
love some advice on ways that we can handle these situations.
This stuff is hurtful to us and it scares me that it might end up
damaging our relationship.
Dr. Apter's reply:
Yes, you should believe in yourself and not be bothered by your in-laws'
assessment of you. I also know, however, that that is easier
said than done. But it seems that you and your fiancé
work well together. Since you have both agreed that it would
be best to stop the cards that her parents are using, do so.
Yes, they will complain: they may also be tearful or abusive.
I suggest that you and your fiancé prepare for this by agreement
to a form of words, such as "These were my/her cards; we stand
by this decision," and repeat it whenever the subject comes up,
repeat it calmly, boringly, like a broken record.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I will make this as brief as possible in the hopes that you can give
me some advice on dealing with this problem a little better than I
have been. I have been married to my DH for six years.
Over the course of these six years I have realized that my MIL's favoritism
towards my SIL's children encompasses her whole life. The rumor
is that my MIL's other GC were ignored the same way that my child
is. DH did confront the issue with his mom, but it was totally
ignored. We live close to my ILs, and I believe that they have
visited a total of less than ten times. My MIL situation got
worse when a family fight escalated and we no longer attended holidays.
But, I am always asked to help. I do at times offer, just so
that I won't be totally thought of as an unkind woman. This
year was the last straw. We weren't invited to Easter dinner
at MIL's until the night before. When I say "we",
I mean my child and me, not my DH, as the family fight has been from
something that he initially sort of egged on. My MIL said that
she had an Easter basket for my child. I didn't want to go over
on Easter because there always is some family drama that ruins the
holiday. I had a small Easter celebration my house with my DH's
kids from a former marriage, who have also lacked my MIL's presence
in their life. My ILs never brought over my child's Easter basket,
but you can bet that my SIL's children got their Easter baskets.
I have broached the subject with my DH, and he says, "That's
why I try to stay away." I come from a very tight knit
family, and find my DH's family hard to relate to. Any advice
as to what I can do to try to alleviate the problem? I also
believe that my son hasn't noticed that his GPs hardly have a presence
in his life. But when he does, how do I explain this to him?
With hopes that you can help, Signature: Very Frustrated in
the USA
Dr. Apter's reply:
This is one of the most difficult in-law problems to deal with because
you fear your child is being hurt by their behavior as well as you.
Your husband's strategy is to stay away, and that may be the best
one. Given the closeness you experienced within your own family,
your expectations of family are high, but these may need to be revised.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
Is it healthy for my MIL to call us several times a day? We
both work during the week. My DH has told her not to call him
at work, due to his schedule. She takes it upon herself to have
FIL drive her to DH's work to deliver a lunch to my DH. Then,
in the evening she calls us when we are trying to fix dinner, trying
to get ready for the next day, or just plain having time for each
other. When she calls, it isn't anything important. The
context of the phone call is: What are doing? Did you
eat? What did you eat? What time did you get home?
When we try to get off the phone with her, she continues to talk.
Dr. Apter's reply:
I suggest you be firm with your mother-in-law: perhaps you could say
that you would welcome calls between certain, very specific hours;
but that you need your private time. If she phones outside those
hours, ask whether this is an emergency; if not tell her you will
phone her back during the permitted hours, or suggest that she does.
Try not to be swayed by complaints, if you really want this to work.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I moved to a small town when I got married 10 years ago. MIL
lives a mile away, and during the entirety of our marriage we have
battled. She has done things that blow me away. For example,
she canceled our limo from our wedding because we were not staying
at the motel that she wanted us to stay at on our wedding night.
We did not discover that we had no ride to our hotel until we walked
out of the reception. It was not money. She did not give
us a dime for our wedding. She is now telling my children that
I am mean. I have confronted her about it and she broke down
in tears. She said that she loves me and would never do anything
like that. My oldest DD is 6. A six-year-old child would
not lie. We have distanced ourselves a lot, but she still stops
by unannounced, goes through LONG spells of calling me 3 times a day,
and puts a lot of effort into messing with me. It seems that
right when I let my guard down, she strikes. I am tired of putting
up my guard all the time. She is the "queen bee" in
this little southern town, and people tell me that I am "surely
misinterpreting her". They say, "She loves you,"
when I mention something weird about her. When no one is looking,
though, she says and does some horrible things. Everyone looks
at me like I am the horrible person. She tells people that I
do not let her see her grandchildren, but I would if she would not
tell them that I am mean. It has been 10 years. What do
I do?
Dr. Apter's reply:
There is little you can do to control what your mother-in-law says
when you are not present. However, you could tell her that you
believe she speaks unfairly of you, and that you would very much appreciate
her desisting from such remarks, that you think they are unfair and
disloyal. She may break down in tears, as she has done in the
past, but try to be calm and straightforward, rather than hostile,
when you make this request, explain that you are simply making a genuine
appeal to her.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
DH and I have been married for one year. We have a three month
old DD, who is being cared for during the day by my MIL while we work.
MIL offered to watch her before she was born, citing illness and neglect
as dangers of day care, as well as the obvious cost factor.
We are paying her, because I would not feel comfortable not doing
so. Since the birth of our DD, the relationship between MIL
and I has changed dramatically and is getting progressively worse.
This is her only GC, and as expected she is very fond of her,
However, she is becoming increasingly difficult to deal with.
I returned home from work one day and she had unpacked all of the
boxes that I had packed for a summer garage sale, and done our laundry
and dishes. The next morning I asked her nicely not to clean
or do laundry at our house, stating that I appreciated the gesture
very much, but as a private person I preferred to do my own laundry,
etc. She said that she was bored. I suggested that she
take the baby for walks, bring her sewing, etc. She is constantly
fussing about the baby's eating habits, trying to get DH and I to
give her solid food (she's still too young, according to the doctor),
and exaggerating facts when telling other family members - turning
every thing that happens into a drama. She told my SIL that
the baby's doctor yelled at me for giving her cereal, which is a complete
fabrication. He merely said that solid foods shouldn't be started
until the 5th month. Today, she brought her three small dogs
to our new house and put them in the yard for the day. I have
a cat who is allowed to come and go through a pet door at will, because
she has spraying issues which are fixed by being able to go outdoors.
With MIL's dogs there, she will not go outside and will begin urinating
in the house again. I tried kindly to tell MIL this, but she
said that she was tired of leaving them at home. I have offered
to bring the baby to her house instead of ours, but she doesn't seem
willing to stick to a schedule. Some days she comes to our house,
some days she has us bring the baby there, and some days I drop her
off at her great grandma's. In addition, she calls my DH at
least 5 times a day during the week, and 15 or more times a day on
the weekends, which, in my opinion, is way to often. Admittedly,
I have issues with communication. I was raised in New England,
and am a fiercely private person, not prone to gossip, speculation,
or the like. Additionally, my relationship with my own mother
is distant, both physically and emotionally. I am a very easy
going person, but can feel that I am beginning to harbor feelings
of dislike towards her, which is affecting my marriage and will affect
our DD someday. I feel that if I don't find daycare or other
childcare for our DD, this situation will only get worse. However,
I am sure that such a decision will devastate my MIL and I also don't
want to do that. DH, while supportive of me in general, is little
help, as he was raised this way and has become accustomed to her behavior
and her need to control things. Please offer any advice you
can.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It seems that you could take one of two approaches. You could
speak directly to your mother-in-law, and explain that you are delighted
she is so attached to her grandchild, but that you have decided to
put your child in day care. I think it will be very difficult
to curtail your mother-in-law's presumptive behavior in your home
and with your child if she does remain the official carer. Or,
you may try to enlist your husband's help. This will involve
working hard to get his attention, to explain that even though he
accepts his mother's behavior, you are made extremely uncomfortable
by it, and on that basis you hope he is willing to help you confront
her. But even if you succeed in getting his help, it will be
better to draw a clear boundary: your mother-in-law is not the person
in control of your home and your child. Of course such a change
in arrangements may upset her, but to make the changes you want, you
will have to withstand that. This will be much easier if your
husband stands alongside you.
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I am really struggling with how to deal with my SIL. Let me
first state that, growing up, my parents, brother, sister, and I were
very close. The relationship was not perfect, but we all got
along quite well. The problem is that since my brother got married,
my SIL has frequently said horrible things about my parents.
She feels that they never do anything for her or her children (their
grandchildren), that they are inconsiderate and selfish, that they
never call, etc. The thing is, they DO call, spend time, go
to games, recitals, etc. This has been going on for over fifteen
years, and while I am not sure how my brother really feels, because
he won't discuss it with any of the rest of us, he seems quite powerless
or oblivious to how utterly hateful she can behave. She is very
skilled at turning the tide of a conversation to put you on the defensive,
and can twist things around to make things seem like they are your
fault. It is very difficult to talk to her sometimes and remain
cordial, and I usually feel sick to my stomach after talking to her,
especially if she is berating my parents over some perceived infraction.
She will sometimes do this behind their backs, like when talking to
me, then tell me that I better not say anything to anyone about how
she feels. Then she will act nice around my parents after talking
to me. While my parents are not perfect, they are good, decent,
caring and down-to-earth people. They would never intentionally
do something to hurt anyone. I have known them much longer than
she has, and there is no way that I can believe some of the horrible
things she says they have done. Also, she has been known to
cancel plans at the last minute with us, no reason given. If
we express disappointment, we are then labeled selfish and insensitive.
However, if we were to back out on something, even with a good reason,
heaven help us! The same goes with remembering birthdays, holidays,
etc. We might rarely get a call, but if we forget to call, we
get raked across the coals. The double standard is astounding.
My family is not particularly eager to engage in this ongoing conflict,
but it has caused a huge amount of anger, sadness and resentment to
well up in each of us. While I can't speak for the rest of my
family, my fear is that if someone really stands up to her, says what
they really think, she will not only withdraw from ever associating
with the rest of the family, but she will also not allow my parents
to have contact with their grandchildren. My brother would alienate
things further. I truly can see this happening. I love
my brother, but again, he refrains from really talking about it.
He and I used to be very close, but now our relationship is superficial
at best. I am sad about that. Also, while I know that
my parents are grown-ups, I know that we are trying to protect them,
as well, from being hurt anymore than they already have been.
I don't know if you have any suggestions, but I feel a deep sadness
anticipating us having to deal with this for the rest of our lives.
I have given up trying to do or say things to change my SIL.
Being ugly back wouldn't make me feel any better, either, and it certainly
would not help toward a resolution. Thank you for your time.
Dr. Apter's reply:
You have presented one of the great interpersonal dilemmas: you want
to speak out and defend yourself, yet if you do, you feel that the
person who hears you will reject you -- and, in this case, you fear
your own parents will suffer by being denied access to their grandchildren.
In fact, I doubt that this will happen. One step you could take
is to refuse to make plans with her: if she pulls out and is punitive
if you suggest changes, then perhaps you should accept that making
plans with her is not worthwhile. It is important to think precisely
what you would like to change in your sister-in-law's behavior.
I agree it is unlikely you could change her, but you could indicate
clearly that there are some things you will not tolerate. But
it may be that the best route would be to talk to your brother, or
to your parents, and to stand by them, when they tell her, "This
is not acceptable."
My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My MIL has a very aggressive personality, to the point of being overbearing.
She has two sons, and both work with her in the family business.
She, being the "pants wearer" in her marriage, is accustomed
to being the boss and the leader. When I first came into the
picture, my relationship with her was friendly, but not healthy.
During our first engagement, one of two engagements, she slowly attempted
to control the wedding plans until DH and I pulled her reins backs.
She reacted with anger and belittled our relationship until it subsequently
ended. DH and I reconciled a year later. She lightened
up and he asked me to marry him, again. This time he and I kept
wedding plans to ourselves. He also strengthened his backbone
to her comments; sticking up for me and whatnot. But our home-building
plans became her interest as we were building on land gifted to us
by her. She was soon telling us, not advising us, what to do
on everything from furniture to financing, even calling her banker
to attempt to establish a mortgage line of credit. When we confronted
her and asked her to let us make these decisions, she screamed a threat
at me. DH confronted her. Months of tension followed.
Now, married and living in the new home, we are pregnant. Things
are again tense following rude comments that she made concerning our
baby shower. She is not speaking to me, which is ultimately
fine. My biggest concern is this new life. I do not want
to be disregarded as a mother. I don't want her creating tension
in our marriage. Where do I begin to establish boundaries with
her and my baby? Do I limit visiting? She has offered
to baby-sit a few days a week. Do I accept, or pay for a stranger?
Dr. Apter's reply:
In such an uncomfortable relationship, boundaries have to be set day
by day, without putting an end to the relationship. You have
to decide what you can tolerate, and what you can't. You already
know that if she attacks you, and you confront her, then she will
counterattack (but perhaps by withdrawing from you). She cannot
baby-sit, yet refuse to speak to you. But the challenge will
be to allow her to baby-sit - if that is what you want - while setting
boundaries, because in taking up her offer to baby-sit you are bringing
her into your life, granting her responsibility and power. I
suggest that you think about the implications of this, before you
agree to it.
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