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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My ILs borrowed a significant amount of money from us to get out of
some debts that they are (supposedly) in right now. They have
been paying off the debt for 3 years. We just learned that they
plan to take a vacation trip in the coming months. I'm about
to lose it, because I think they should be paying us off before taking
ANY vacations. Am I out of line for this?
Dr. Apter's reply:
Money is a common cause of in-law problems. The best way to
resolve this conflict is through clarity - each party should be clear
what is expected. Whether or not your in-laws take a vacation
while they are still in some debt to you is less important than whether
you know what they plan to pay back, at what rate, and whether you
trust them to do so. If you are concerned that they are slow in payment
because they say they lack funds, and yet have sufficient funds to
go on vacation, then you could address the problem by reminding them
of what they owe. It would be much easier to do this if you
have your partner's support, so that would be the way to start.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I have been married for 38 years. Periodically, MIL, whom I
see for about four weeks a year, makes disrespectful and sometimes
very nasty remarks to me when nobody else is around. In the
past I have ignored her comments, but now she is becoming more vocal.
I think she is jealous of me, because her comments are often related
to my hair, on which I get a LOT of compliments from other people.
Also, she dotes on my DH, whom she thinks can do no wrong. One
time, she told me she would not be surprised if DH had a girlfriend
because of the way I treated him. I was so shocked by her comment
that I couldn't say anything. I just stared at her. Later,
just to ease any insecurity I felt from her comment, I told DH what
she said, and asked him if he thought our marriage was good.
He assured me it was. He was also shocked at her comment, but
he didn't say anything to her. When I buy something, she often
asks why I did that when I have such and such at home. If I
show her something new that I bought, she just looks at it, sniffs,
and then looks away. I've stopped showing her or telling her
about any new items. I feel that, by my ignoring her comments
over the years, she feels she can say rude things to me at any time.
So, I need to know what to say to her in the future when she is so
disrespectful. I thought about saying, "Stop talking to
me so disrespectfully," or maybe even, "Stop being nasty
to me," and then walking away. But, what do you think?
I'm starting to hate being around her.
Dr. Apter's reply:
I think your assumption that your mother-in-law is jealous of you
is well-founded. Focusing on another woman's hair is one sign
of anger and envy. There is little you can do about being attractive
and having your husband's love, but it is possible that you would
relieve your mother-in-law's antagonism by taking steps, along with
your husband, to show her that she is loved and appreciated.
Try to admire something about her; do this in your husband's presence,
and then show your mother-in-law that you are encouraging her son
to admire her, too. That's the positive: then, you might want
to work with your husband to remind your mother-in-law that unkind
or rude comments to you are not acceptable. It would make matters
much easier if he were to say to you, in her presence, "You are
the woman for me," or even just, "I really do love you."
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I am in a tough situation right now with my MIL. I had twins
a year ago, and, from the beginning my MIL has been very helpful.
She has a really big heart, and is very sensitive, to a fault.
My trouble right now is that I know she is a jealous person.
Sometimes, I will go stay at my parents (they all live in the same
town) while my DH works out of town. I know this bothers her.
I see my MIL and Mother at least once a week. Sometimes, I see
my mom more, but she is my mom!! DH had a talk with his mom
a month ago, and said he doesn't want to hear the word "jealous"
anymore, because she uses that word all the time and always asks if
we see my parents more. He also explained that we will not see
them every weekend, and we like family time with just the four of
us. He said she apologized and felt really bad, but, ever since
then, I have been so mad at her. It just seems so immature,
and I don't have time for this. Since then, she has made comments
here and there, like, "Thanks for including us." She
ALWAYS (like, every time I talk to her) says that I can call her for
help, and that she is not doing anything else. It's like she
is in grammar school and getting left out. She wants to do everything
for us - buy us diapers, clothes for the kids, make us dinner, etc.
I know people would die for a MIL like this, but it is tooooo much.
I am feeling smothered. I am an independent person. I
ask her to baby-sit all the time, and it's like I can't do anything
to please her. I can go on and on. I am just sick of it.
DH is sick of hearing about it, and I know it's not good to complain
to him about his mom. So, my question is: Should I talk
to her, and how do I do it without her getting totally offended?
PLEASE help me. I just don't know how to handle this.
Dr. Apter's reply:
Your mother-in-law does sound like a good and helpful mother-in-law,
but your impatience with her is also understandable. However,
I think your irritation is heightened by your wish to please her.
Just suppose that she does want too much, and that you can never please
her: allow her to deal with that herself. If I have understood
you correctly, it seems that she keeps her distance when you ask her
to do so, but that she also expresses self-pity. The best approach
is to ignore it, but also to acknowledge her help when she offers
it. If you decide to talk to her about your feelings - and you
are the only one who can decide that - then think carefully about
what you want to say, what specific points you want to make, and what,
specifically you want changed. Then the conversation can be
positive, because you can tell her what you appreciate about her,
and what changes would make you appreciate her even more.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
I married a divorced man. Unfortunately, he hid from me the
fact that he stayed in contact (mostly by email, since she lives in
another state) with his ex. His ex and his parents hated each
other. His mother is partly the reason for their divorce.
We now have a son who is two. When I found out that they have
stayed in touch, I just asked DH not to provide information/pictures
of our son to his ex, since family and friends have told me that she
is weird. I can't control who he talks to. For some reason,
the ex visited the state where his parents live, and they put her
up for a week. DH did not tell me about this, but another family
member let it slip. I suspect the ex stayed there because of
the free accommodations. I am livid with my ILs. Not only
do I think that what they did was disrespectful toward my son and
me, they showed the ex photos and information about my son - my one
simple request. I've never had a good relationship with my MIL.
She has no concept of boundaries. My ILs have a terrible marriage,
and fight constantly in front of anyone, including their GC.
I hate being around them. MIL always "stirs the pot",
which is why I believe she had someone she never liked stay in her
home - to upset me. SIL thinks it's because my MIL and I had
an argument about my son (my MIL was undermining my parenting) and
this was her way to get back at me. Do I really need to have
a relationship with my MIL? They live in another state.
I want to ask DH, whom I am thinking of leaving because of all the
lies about the ex, to just visit his parents without me from now on.
My MIL likes to divide and conquer, and then be everyone's friend.
Now she is telling everyone that he and the ex are friends.
I don't really care if they are. I just don't want the ex knowing
much about my son. I know it sounds paranoid, but it's a long
story about her and children that gives me cause. HELP!
Dr. Apter's reply:
Your sense of betrayal by your husband is understandable, and you
alone are the person to measure the harm you think that has done to
your relationship. The behavior of your in-laws is somewhat
different. I often hear women complain that a mother-in-law
is friendly with a previous wife. One reason may be that the
former wife does not pose any threat to the bond between her and her
son, in the way that, sometimes, a current wife does. Sometimes,
a mother-in-law connects to an ex-daughter-in-law to keep kin together,
and sometimes because the two women really have a bond of friendship.
But, your response clearly registers a sense that your mother-in-law
is being destructive in this new bond with her former daughter-in-law.
Perhaps you blame your in-laws in some way for your husband's deception.
You may need some time to think this through. If you remain
so upset and angry, you might find it helpful to explain to your husband
that you cannot, at this point in your marriage, join him in visits
to his parents.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
MIL is CRAZY! DH, 1 year old DS, and I live several states away
from MIL. Just before our wedding, she borrowed $1000 from us,
promising to start paying us at least $20 a month. It has been
over a year, and all we have seen is about $40. She keeps wanting
to buy us plane tickets so we can visit her, but we could really use
the money. We also cannot take time off work to visit.
She now insists that I have taken her son away from her, and that
I am keeping my DS and DH away from her. She also says that
it is unfair that my whole family has gotten to see DS, and none of
his family has. The majority of my family live nearby, and we
moved up here so my GPs could help us get our life started.
We had just graduated high school, and had 6 months to get a place
to live and jobs before our son was born. My parents scrimp
and save to visit or send my brother to visit from across the country.
They can only visit one at a time. DH also gets angry that his
family hasn't gotten to see our son. I try to explain that it
is not my fault that my parents can budget their money better.
My parents do not send over $100 worth of gifts (plus the cost of
shipping) for his birthday and again for Christmas and Easter.
They send a couple of items and save the rest to come and visit.
I have tried to tell him AND his mother that she should do this also,
but neither will listen. DH gets overly defensive about it.
We certainly cannot afford to visit her or fly her up here to visit.
What can I do to get her to realize that it is not our fault that
she hasn't seen DS? How can we get her to quit sending huge
boxes of gifts and save that money to visit?
Dr. Apter's reply:
This is a difficult problem: you cannot manage money on behalf of
your in-laws. But, I suggest you set out very clearly what money
you want them to repay; you set out the rule that you will accept
no presents from them until they are able to clear or at least catch
up with the debt; you could then start to put away money for travel
- either for them to come to you or you to go to them - and explain
what you are doing. But, without your husband's support this
rather complicated but firm approach will not work. They will
pick up on mixed signals. It does seem sad that they have not
been able to see their grandson. You could explain that you
really want to fix this, so that they can meet him, but that you need
their cooperation.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
How do I handle a MIL who asks too many questions, way more questions
than I've ever been comfortable with? Once she picks up on the
fact that I'm uncomfortable with some questions, she goes about trying
to obtain the information in an indirect way. She wants to keep
on top of all we're up to, or not up to. She always wants to
check to see how everything turns out. She wants to be way more
involved than I want her to be. To me, she is smothery.
She knows that I don't like her handing out advice, so sometimes she
goes about it in a roundabout way. I suppose she does it this
way because maybe she thinks it's less detectable to me. I've
almost cut her off from me. After 23 years I've had all I've
wanted of her pushing to involve herself in our lives in a way that's
not comfortable to me. I want her to let us have our own space
and to realize that DH and I are all grown up and want to run our
own lives and have our own family now, one that is separate from her.
I want her to leave all the raising and mothering of my children up
to me also.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It is difficult to stop someone who thinks that her remarks are helpful
when to you they are intrusive and annoying. But I think the
best approach would be to say clearly, when she asks you an intrusive
question, or makes an intrusive remark, "That's private.
I don't want to talk about that," and repeat this, or something
like this, calmly, but firmly, and do your best not to express impatience
or frustration or anger. Then try to talk cheerfully about something
else, but always, every time, make it clear that you will not answer
questions that you find intrusive. However, it will take a while
to break habits established over 23 years, so be patient.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
BF is great, but I have major issues with his mother. She is
always calling him to handle all of her problems and bills.
He constantly sends her money to make ends meet, when all she needs
to do is budget better. Every time we visit her, she has tons
of new stuff for her house, and new designer purses. I can't
seem to make BF understand that, at 44, his mother should be getting
a grasp on things and learning how to manage things on her own.
We are never able to save money, since we have to help her.
DH tells me that I am selfish and that I do not care about her, but
it's not that at all. Please help me!!
Dr. Apter's reply:
This is a deep-seated problem. Your partner sees families in
one way, and you in another. He thinks he must give his mother
whatever she asks for, and he may be very reluctant to challenge her
in any way. My guess is that he would become defensive, and
shut down, or even get angry, when you tell him how you feel.
But it is important to have a serious discussion with your partner
about your different views about how to treat parents, what to expect
of them and what they should ask of you.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
BF recently sent his parents an email describing me and my family.
He included a couple of photo headshots. Our parents are from
the same country, and mine married for love, while his had a traditional
arranged marriage. BF is 28, but he's never introduced a woman
to his family before. He's dated women of all races, but kept
this secret. He assumed his parents would be happy for him and
pleased with the fact that he'd found a partner that was the same
ethnicity and religion. Instead, they don't approve at all.
His mother has already said many hurtful things about me, without
even meeting me. He went to talk to them face to face about
this and stand up to them, but she proceeded to scream and cry, then
theatrically storm out. She said that I look "weird",
and that she doesn't like my "cheeks and lips". She
said that my family is too "modern" because my parents had
a love marriage and my brother married a woman with a different background.
She said that she regretted raising her son in a "trashy"
country. She said that I looked "overweight".
I am overweight, but that was not visible in the headshot. Frankly,
even if it was, who really cares? I'm confused and appalled
by her reaction. His father was less combative, but still expressed
concerns. What should I do? BF says that he's willing
to continue to stand up for me, but I'm scared of what our life will
be like with them as in-laws, especially his mom. She seems
like a close-minded, irrational, emotionally manipulative person.
He's so heartbroken over this. BF didn't realize that his parents
would act like this. He's very depressed, and it's making me
very insecure, as now I'm afraid that he's going to leave me.
I've had a lot of very painful breakups due to being cheated on, dating
men with emotional problems, etc. I truly love this man and
want to marry him. He's already met my parents and they like
him and support our relationship. What should I do? Signature:
Dreading My Future MIL
Dr. Apter's reply:
It is clear that your future mother-in-law is terrified that she will
lose her bond with her son if he marries. He probably thought
that her objection to other girlfriends was based on background, and
he probably is depressed by the discovery that she is willing to deny
him any serious romantic attachment. You might try telling him
that you think you can work together to control his mother, and reassure
her. Together, you might be able to show her that she cannot
destroy you as a couple but, at the same time, she can be part of
your lives. That is the best outcome, but I cannot pretend it
won't be difficult. Your boyfriend probably realizes that he
may lose you, and that is likely to increase his depression.
He may need a lot of support to gain confidence that he can marry,
and yet remain a good son. If you talk to him about this, and
show willingness to work this out as a couple, he may respond.
But this is something to assess yourself.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
My MIL took me by complete surprise the day she came to visit our
newborn son. Within minutes of her arrival, she pulled the bassinet,
that my son was sleeping in, closer to her chair and began rocking
it and hovering over him. When it was time to feed my son, I
began breast-feeding him, and she joined us. She continued to
hover over my son, over my breasts, and proceeded to stroke his head
while he was feeding from my breast. She even included my arm
in the stroking motion of my son's head. YUK! This very
night, we found her in our son's room, about to pick him up from his
second waking. This was after we told her that we did not need
her help with middle of the night wakings. Now my son is 15
months old, and MIL continues to cross boundaries, but in different
ways. DH and I do take immediate action with her by voicing
our thoughts when she crosses a boundary, or does something against
our wishes. But, she becomes defensive and passive aggressive.
She has another son with 3 children and a wife. They have not
been on speaking terms for many years due to similar circumstances.
I do not want our situation to escalate to this point. What
do we do? Thank you for listening.
Dr. Apter's reply:
Somehow you have to make it clear to your mother-in-law that she has
a choice: she can either respect the boundaries that you set while
you have an ongoing relationship with her, or you make things simple
and cut ties with her, as her other son and his family have done.
You could tell her that you would be very sorry to lose her, but that
you need her to respond to her requests.
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My question for Dr.
Apter is:
BF of 2 years and his mother refuse to speak English around me.
I let BF know that it made me feel uncomfortable and left out when
they do this. I have repeated this to him for 2 years.
Every time he gets angry and tells me that they've tried, but I either
refuse to talk or I am rude. This is not true. They both
speak perfect English. I think she does it on purpose.
He feels that I have no right to ask this of them. I love him
very much, but I will not marry him unless this can be resolved.
She is very controlling. Everyone I've asked feels that they
are being rude. Is it them or me? Any hope? Needing
Clarity In The West.
Dr. Apter's reply:
It is difficult to assess who is being rude in these circumstances,
or why, but the important thing is to change things. If you
want your mother-in-law to speak English in your presence then you
will need your husband's help. It would be much easier if he
always speaks to her in English, whatever language his mother uses,
that would help. He could gently remind his mother, when you
are present, that his mother should speak English. If your partner
does not support you, then it is unlikely any of your efforts will
succeed.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives