Hi!  After 7 years of marriage I felt so unhappy because of my "criticizing nasty horrible mil".  She is always criticizing on me (for e.g., why don't you treat your husband with respect!)

She said this to me last week.  I couldn't believe it.  Recently, she has been so unkind to me (I don't no why).  Last week she came round, and came to see my children (both grade school girls).  She looked at me, and gave me a dirty look, and didn't even say hello.  I haven't yet told my husband because I'm too scared he will take it the wrong way.  And there will be a massive argument.  But my husband and I never fight.  I still haven't got a clue why my mil said, "Why don't you treat him with respect."  When she said this to me, I said, "What do you mean?"  And she responded ... absolutely nothing (she gave me a dirty look and walked off again).  But we both get along all the time, I just don't no what's up?  What shall I do? 


***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "Treat Husband With Respect" in your response. 

My MIL is driving me crazy!!!!  The only thing is, she is very religious and everyone else thinks she is a Saint.  My husband and I have four children, and he has been on disability for over a year for an accident that occurred on the job.  Needless to say money is very tight, and we have just about lost everything that we have worked so hard for.  My husband has four other siblings, and out of all of them, we have the most children.  His sister, the oldest, lives in their childhood home (which is paid for) and lives rent-free.  My MIL lives out of town, thank God, and had asked only that she pay the taxes on the house.  Well, my SIL is moving out of the house this summer and has admitted that she hasn't paid a dime towards the taxes since she has lived there and is several thousand dollars in arrears.  So the other day, my MIL goes to my husband and asks him to pay the taxes on the house, and she says we can move into the house.  It is in a horrible part of town, and there is a crack house next door and a child molester has moved in down the street.  Not only that, but the house is falling apart.  It needs a new roof, new wiring, it's just a black hole.  But she won't sell it because no one will pay her the high dollar amount she's asking.  So, she has put this guilt trip on my husband that she doesn't want to lose the house, because all of her memories of his father are tied up in it (he died several years ago) and that we can go down to the City Tax Office and work out a deal.  Why should we be saddled with this burden?  We have more responsibilities than any of her other children, and she knows my husband won't turn her down because he feels like it's his responsibility to take care of her since his dad died.  I told him that I was not moving our children into that horrible place, and it has caused a HUGE problem between us.  If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it.


***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "Hell House" in your response. 

RESPONSE:  To "Hell House:"
You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar!  Stop arguing with hubby.  I can't believe he wants his children to live in a run-down shack in a bad neighborhood with drug abusers next door any more than you do.  It's his feelings of guilt that are getting to him.  Start winning hubby over to your side, WITHOUT arguing!  Gently convince him that the neighborhood has just changed too much, but that you TOTALLY respect his mother's sentimentality.  Tell him that you and he can work together to help your mother find a new family of "loving owners" for it.  If you can sell hubby on the idea that it's time to pass the house on to a new family who's starting out in life, just as your MIL and FIL once did, then maybe he can sell the idea to her!

I have noticed that many of these MIL stories begin with or at least include stories that start with, "When I was pregnant with our first/second/etc.", or, "After our first/second/etc. was born ..." and all I can say is Arrrgggghhh!

My fiancé and I are to be married later this year, yet I've already been informed about MIL's plans for her son's children.  One day, when my fiancé was not around (she often waits until he's not around to say certain things, I have noticed) she said, "When (Fiancé's name) has kids, they are going to be so spoiled!"

I find two things wrong with that.  The first is: when WHO has kids?  I guess she meant when he gives birth to HIS children.  And, excuse me, but our children are absolutely not going to be spoiled.

On another occasion, I was with her at the toy store while she was returning something, and she started in on it again, saying that when we have kids (I got to be included in the child-having process that time! How nice of her!) they were going to be showered with all the toys they wanted, etc.  At that point I said that, "No, They Would Not Be ..." and she said it would be the first niece/nephew for my fiancé's brother and sister, and so they would want to buy all the toys and fun stuff, etc.  I told her then, if they want to buy stuff, they can buy things that the baby would need, like clothes, etc.  And she said, "No, kids need lots of toys" -- yeah, whatever.

I wish she would just shut up and let us get MARRIED first.  When we get ready to have a baby, she can then re-state her feelings about all the unnecessary toys and crap the baby should have.  Then, I will take all of those unnecessary toys and do two things with them -- [1] give some of them to the child and, [2] pack the rest away until the child is ready for a new toy.  Uh-oh, broken toy?  Ok, to the garbage with broken toy, and look what mommy has found in her closet, a new toy!  I suspect it will keep the amount of "toys-laying-around-that-the-kids-aren't-playing-with" down to a minimum, and it will also save hubby and I money in buying new toys when the old ones are ready for the trash.  If MIL were to ever find out what our plan is to avoid spoiled kids, she'd be so mad!!

I told her son what she said, and packing the "extra toys" away was his idea.  It's sad that we have to come up with an attack plan years before our kids are even born.  All we should have to do is say, "Mom, we'd rather not have everyone in the family flooding the baby with toys."  But no, it doesn't matter what we say about anything.  She can't be told anything.  You tell her something and it goes right out the other side of her head.  Oh, EXCEPT for the things she gets angry at, THOSE stay in her head, and she's ready to bring them up at any moment!  She can be the biggest pain the a**!!!

In-law daughter's suffering:

When I was helping my husband in his business.
- My MIL told other people: "She (I) doesn't need to work."  But in fact, both of my hands were full of wounds from touching too many chemical stuffs and carrying too heavy boxes.  I could not hold a spoon or a pen after all this work until they were recovered.

When someone found my wounds and told them the facts.
- My MIL then told other people: "She (I) complains about my son poor.  She doesn't want my son to be rich.  She is jealous of him."  Then, her very supportive friends and daughter did find some single or divorced women for my husband.  Perhaps she wants her son to marry a millionaire lady instead of me.

When I found a job.
- My MIL told other people: "My son helped her to get the job."  But in fact, my husband didn't know my boss, and I did send more than a hundred letters & resumes for finding a job.

When I was living with them.
- My MIL told other people: "I (she) need to clean their (my husband's and my) washroom and their clothes everyday."  But in fact, I did it myself every day and never asked her for help.  And in fact, she was enjoying her favorite TV shows very happily every day.  No one had asked her to do anything!

When I was working as a home-based worker, was very busy with my computer project, and needed to meet the deadline for the client.
- My MIL told other people: "She hates me, and hides in her room."  But in fact, I needed to focus on my monitor and didn't have any spare time for chattering.

When I have been married for more than 2 years without a baby.
- My MIL told other people: "She doesn't love my son and is going to find another man." But in fact, O, my god.

When I moved out and paid the rent by myself for my family (my husband and I).
- My MIL told other people: "She really wants to leave my son and find another man."  She then sent her very supportive daughter and/or networked friends to follow and spy on me.

When I visited my in-law's family, my MIL insisted on giving me a bag of bulky frozen meat, or excessive food left over after a meal, or a bulky bag of fruit.  If I refused:
- My MIL told other people: "She only likes luxury things."  But in fact, my husband and I are living in a very small apartment, with a very small refrigerator, and it is not cold enough because of the age of the model.  We cannot keep too much frozen food.

When I visited my in-law's family and tried to pack my husband's clothes in our previous room for the change of weather.
- My FIL would say, "A rat is coming."  And then he pretended to kill the rat in front of me, but nothing was on the floor.  So what can I say???
- My FIL also told other people: "I opened their drawers and stole their things."  But these are our drawers in our previous room, and no one is living/sleeping there except for storing my husband's stuff.

Every time I told my husband about one of these happenings, my husband would ask his family directly, "XXXXX (my name) said you (all) did something like that and that."  They would have their version of story to please my husband.  Then my husband replied me:
-"You are too sensitive."
-"You are jealous."
-"You don't know how to share love."
-"XXXXX go back to your home."

Then we quarreled.

What then continued to happen was as bad or worse than what happened above.  What I could say and do was nothing, except suffering and crying.

This is my past experience.

My husband and I had only been married 7 months when my mother-in-law and sister-in-law moved in.  My mil completely took over my house.  She threw away things of mine, and gave me dirty looks in my own house.  She often pulled my husband to the side and whispered things in his ear.  My mil would take my husband and sister-in-law into a room and close the door for hours and talk while I sat on the couch waiting for them to come out.  When I told my husband how this was making me feel he told me his mother had been through a lot and could act however she pleased in our home.  Later, my husband came to me and told me he was sorry, but he still believes his mother would never do anything wrong.

Note:   This story is repeated from last week (including all responses) due to recent receipt of a response.

My MIL has a history of giving very clever, adorable, thoughtful though inexpensive gifts.  They have always been a pleasure to open, and full of little delights.  This year, I turned 40.  Her birthday is the same month as mine, and so she turned 60 just weeks before my 40th.  Her children and their spouses got together to buy her plane tickets to come up north with her second hubby to see us, and her grandchildren.  We had a wonderful family picnic with all her children, their spouses, and her grandchildren at her side, which was a long-time dream of hers.  Later that evening, we had a bash for her at my SIL's home, which we all chipped in for.  Her sisters were all present from various states, and it was a simply lovely, memorable day.

I had been planning on having a little party for my 40th, which never came to pass.  She, at one point, asked me why, and I told her honestly that this year, finances were a bit tight.  She knows we had a major setback, and was not surprised.  When my birthday did roll around, my MIL sent me a gift that was very much unlike anything she'd ever sent before.  It was a hand-crafted necklace - made out of old safety pins, metal and rubber washers, odd little metal links, with little alphabet beads that spelled out "The Cat in the Hat."  She claims her little art group is called The Cat in the Hat, and that one of her fellow "artists" had made the necklace, which she decided she just "had to have" for me.  Well, I can only say that it was a piece of jewelry unlike any I've seen fitting for a grown woman (it was perhaps a funky piece for a teenager, at best), and even if it was to my taste, the pieces on it were so old and gritty that they left marks on my fingers just to touch them!  I was truly shocked, and a little hurt - I can't help feeling she was sending me garbage, or at least the message that she thinks I am worth only garbage!

My MIL and I have had a rocky relationship since the beginning, but with as many good times as bad.  I feel lately, though, that things have gone downhill, and I can't put my finger on why.  I'd almost forgotten about the necklace, but recently we had a terrible falling out, and my feelings are hurt all over again.

Mainly, I just wanted to get this off my chest, but if anyone agrees or disagrees that the necklace was her way of telling me something too unpleasant for words about her feelings towards me, I'd like to know.  If I'm being too sensitive, I want learn to stop, and if not, I want to know it's not just me!


***NOTE:  Please feel free to respond to this (using our mother-in-law stories submission page) if you have any advice to share.  Reference this story as "Necklace" in your response. 

RESPONSE:  I have not had the exact experience that you describe here, but I have been frustrated about gifts from my husband's family since the beginning.  Basically, my birthday meant nothing to them, but their b-days were exalted to "holiday status".  If we didn't make it to the party, then we "didn't care that much" (their words).  The kids always carefully planned these get-togethers and the gifts were always thoughtful and personal. However, when it came to my b-day, I was lucky to get a card.  When my hubby would mention the idea of a gift to them, they would apologize and then quickly give me a cheap, thoughtless, often damaged gift.  One time the gift was so bad that I thought my husband was playing a joke on me and had bought a gag gift and said it was from his folks.   We have suggested abolishing gift giving, but they say they enjoy buying gifts for their 4 children (and therefore are deliberately excluding their children's spouses from important gift giving).  When we were engaged, they said that they just didn't think of giving me anything because I wasn't part of the family yet.  However, at Christmas, when a large number of their family and friends were present, they managed to give me a rather nice gift.   I have always taken this personally, and my husband told me not to.  I didn't understand this approach until I saw how crudely they treat all newcomers to the family.  They do anything they can to control people, and with me they thought that rotten (or no) gifts would get to me, and they were right.  Sorry for rambling on, but I guess what I am trying to say is that she would probably give this kind of strange gift to anyone her son married.  It is just a way of keeping you in your place, and it has no bearing on who you are personally.  It is just because you are her daughter-in-law, period.

RESPONSE:  Response to "Necklace"
I understand you're hurt by the gift, but you said that often her gifts are good.  I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, and think she genuinely believed you'd like it for some reason.  If you want to explore it further, to see if it really does hold some secret meaning, you could ask why she thought of you when she saw it.  Otherwise I'd just chalk it up to bad gift-giving.  God knows, I've unintentionally given some bad ones.  I don't realize it until years later.  Sometimes, you're just off.

RESPONSE:  Re "Necklace:"
I submitted that story, and to the person who replied that sometimes a gift is "just off," I want to say, THANK YOU!  You gave me another way of looking at it that's much less hurtful.  One of the worst things about the occasional friction I have with my MIL is that it wounds my hubby, who always stands by me, even though I know it hurts him to see his mother and me at odds.  I think I can and should be big enough to accept one mediocre gift and let it go without harboring bad feelings, for his sake, my MIL's and my own.  Thanks again!