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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 12/08/01
<--Previous Archive
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Posted: 13-NOV-01
My husband and I have been married for 13 years, with
no children. We would love to have a child. But, due to
his rare disease, it isn't possible. His brother has a son.
My MIL knows that we can't afford adoption. She has made comments
like, "Ah, you don't need to have a kid anyway. Look at
all the problems they give you growing up in today's world."
I am a private person. At work, I don't discuss the fact that
we can't have a family. One day, someone asked me why we don't
have any kids. A friend of my MIL's yelled out (for everyone
to hear), "They can't have any. Didn't your husband have
a vasectomy?" I was so mad, because MIL said she would
never tell anyone. I confronted her about it later that night,
and she said she didn't remember telling anyone. And, that it
must have been a long time ago, before I had started working there.
MIL and I work together, sorry, I forgot to add that. She is
so insensitive about something so private like that! I think
it is RUDE for people to ask why you don't have a child in the first
place! I wouldn't ask. There are a lot of people that
can't have one, and it hurts them when people ask why they don't have
kids. Can anyone else that doesn't have kids tell me how you
answer this question?
Signed - Broken Hearted
DIL
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted DIL
Posted: 20-NOV-01
My ILs have been asking when I'm going to have children.
I always make a joke about it like, "We are not ready yet,"
or something else. I don't think they should be asking questions
like that anyway, because I think that is my private life. I
never volunteer any other personal information to them. For
my wedding shower, which was three years ago, I received stupid baby
gifts like a rattle and diaper pins (from the ILs of course).
My husband and I have been trying to have kids since the day we got
married, but we found out about a year and half ago that my husband
has a low sperm count. Well my MIL was bugging my husband about
children, and she told my husband, "She should go get checked
out," referring to me, and assuming I have a problem. But,
my husband told her it wasn't me, it was him, and she didn't believe
him. I guess MIL told the entire family, because they don't
ask anymore. And, yes, I think it is very rude when people ask
when we are going to have children. I have an older sister who
is married and has no kids, and I have NEVER asked her when she will
have children, because it's none of my business (or anyone else's).
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted DIL
Posted: 20-NOV-01
Wow, I really cannot understand why your MIL is being
so insensitive! I don't blame you for being furious at her for
telling people private information that you specifically told her
to keep private. If I were you, I would no longer disclose any
private/sensitive information to her, because she has proven herself
to be untrustworthy and cruel. Sorry, I do not have a good suggestion
towards responding to people who rudely ask you why you do not have
children. I just wanted to let you know that I think your MIL
is a witch. I cannot even imagine having to work with my MIL.
It would be enough to send me to the looney bin! You must be
a very strong person to put up with her at work and out of work.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted DIL
Posted: 20-NOV-01
I am very sorry. I know your sorrow. I
tried to have a child for years. I followed the advice I saw
Ann Landers give to someone else: "Why would you ask something
so personal?" It was the only thing I could say without
crying. Have you talked with all the adoption agencies in your
area? Start calling government agencies to see if there is anything
out there. We didn't have much money either, but our main problem
was my DH's age. I really wanted a baby, but I would have been
happy having a toddler, or even a child who was 5 or 6. Because
of DH's age, we couldn't get a child under 12 through the agencies,
and we couldn't afford a private adoption. We were truly blessed
when a friend offered to be a surrogate. I was surprised how
many times I have heard of this. Do you know anyone who would
do this for you? It is just an idea. My heart is with
you.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted DIL
Posted: 20-NOV-01
That was SO RUDE!! I would start by not telling
your MIL ANYTHING personal ever again. I'm having surgery next
month. My family knows, but not my "outlaws".
I would have told the nosey coworker that it's a very personal issue,
and you'd rather not talk about it. I think your coworker didn't
mean any harm by asking you. She probably doesn't have any physical
problems with having kids, and thought she was asking a harmless question.
My DH and I don't want kids, and people ask when we're going to "start
a family". I respond by saying that we ALREADY ARE a family.
If the conversation continues, I just say that we chose to not have
kids. I really don't like to get into this conversation and
give my reasons. Your MIL's friend sounds like a gossip that
I would stay away from. What a BIG MOUTH!
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted DIL
Posted: 20-NOV-01
Yes - you have my sympathy. We don't have children
for different (but equally sad) reasons. I think it's terribly
rude to ask pointblank (unless it's with kindness and good will, i.e.,
"I think you'd be good parents" - but still, it's not the
most tactful thing). I think it's far ruder for the other woman
to have blurted out what she did, and for your MIL to have blabbed.
I'd be upset, too!! Well, what I do is just be evasive.
There's nothing to be gained by putting the truth out there.
I just say, "Well, you never know," or, "I guess we'll
see!", or "You'll be the first to know if we do!"
If they are RUDER and they ask why we DON'T have children, I'm at
a loss. I look forward to hearing what the other posters say.
It makes me angry, and I'm afraid of being rude. I'm tempted
to say sweetly or with a friendly laugh, "Wow, what a RUDE remark!"
(because these are usually people with a conscience who hate the thought
of being rude, and they'd be ashamed to think they had been).
I think that asking, "Why do you ask?" might be a milder
comeback for a more sensitive person. But, some people are so
thick-skinned! Well, if I have any more insight into this, I'll
post again. And I will definitely look forward to reading what
others have to say!
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted DIL
Posted: 23-NOV-01
I have kids so I can't understand your void and pain.
But, as you expressed in your story, I can sort of get a feel for
your sorrow. I think that you may be hard on your MIL, especially
if you work together. You were able to confront her about her
integrity, and she responded that she was not sure whether she said
anything. It sounds very innocent to me. I think people
expect unrealistic privacy. Your MIL could have very innocently
been overheard making a comment or maybe she needed to talk about
how your not having kids affects her life. True, the friend
was wrong in blurting out your business, so say something like, "This
issue is very private to me, and I am certainly not ready to discuss
it here, casually, in the office." Your private matters
are important to you, yes. But getting upset with your MIL for
something that she did not say, or is not sure she said, is harsh.
I know being accused of gossiping is mind wrecking and makes you feel
like cr@p. You start to try to remember what you said, or who
you said it to, and it all gets really blown out of proportion.
If you don't have a direct quote, leave it alone. I think you
should be sure that your MIL is spreading your private matters before
you get upset with her. I think you are more upset with the
fact that you can't have kids. This is a hard subject and hurts
deeply. It is true that people can be rude, but asking why you
don't have kids is a truly innocent and curious statement. I
have a friend who can, but won't have kids. She gets asked all
the time why she does not want kids. I think you should get
some lines to defend your feelings and privacy the next time an uncomfortable
question is presented to you. Say something like, "My husband
and I love children, but we have not been blessed yet,"
Or, "We don't have any of our own, but we have a nephew,"
or, "Children are blessings, maybe one day" Hopefully,
you are not upset that I responded, even though I am a parent.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted DIL
Posted: 23-NOV-01
I'm afraid I can't actually help with that, but I was
reminded of something DH's father used to tell a nosy neighbor who,
having had a dozen or more children himself, felt he had the right
to ask FIL why they only had four. His answer was, "We
figured out what was causing it." That probably isn't the
answer you'd really want to use, but I guarantee it will shut the
offender up pretty quickly!
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted DIL
Posted: 25-NOV-01
I completely understand your feelings regarding people
asking why you don't have children. I think it is the rudest,
most insensitive thing that can be said. I, too, am childless.
And, over the years, many people have asked, "Are you childless
by chance or by choice?" I should've replied, "Are
you STUPID by chance or by choice???" Next time, I will!
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted DIL
Posted: 26-NOV-01
Just be honest People would understand that you
and your DH cannot conceive. There are many people who can't
conceive, and there are also a lot of options today that we didn't
have 20 years ago. The problem with that is if you can't afford
adoption, you can't afford these expensive procedures either.
And they cannot even guarantee anything. I'm so sorry for your
pain. You may just have to come right out and tell MIL to butt
out. Let her know that her insensitive comments about "not
needing a child, they are hard anyway" aren't helping you and
your DH either. Being honest doesn't mean giving details, either.
Just explain that, unfortunately, you can't have children, and that
GOD has a different route for you in this life. Unfortunately,
you are not going to completely stop people from asking you that question.
But, you can stop MIL from butting in, and her friends from having
unwanted information. Your DH really needs to step in on this
one and handle his mother. Good Luck.
RESPONSE: Broken Hearted DIL
Posted: 26-NOV-01
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone
in dealing with this problem. There are many women that suffer
from infertility along with insensitive in-laws and coworkers.
DH and I are very private about our infertility, and have not told
many people about it. DH's family is always making comments
and giving unwanted and unhelpful advice. There are many great
sites that can help you in dealing with these problems. http://www.resolve.org/famfriend.htm
gives you information for answering family and friends questions.
http://www.onna.org/information/epstein.html
has a great letter to explain infertility to friends and family.
http://www.resolve.org/
and http://www.inciid.com/
both have a lot of great information and good message boards.
Good Luck and my prayers are with you.
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Posted: 15-NOV-01
Well, this is not a joke, and I need some serious help.
I am not even married yet, but we live with my fiancé's mother.
At first, it was fine, but things have totally gotten out of hand.
You see, we are planning on moving to the northwest in May.
Ever since we told his mother, she hasn't dropped the issue.
She goes behind my back, and makes my fiancé feel so guilty
about leaving that he has become depressed and overwhelmed with guilt.
She won't talk about it in front of me, because she knows I will call
her on this kind of cr@p. My fiancé is an only child,
and it seems he has, for the most part of his life, been her man.
She has been soooooooo needy. It makes me sick the way she babies
him. And, she manipulates his emotions. She completely
emasculates him, and it is hard to look at him any other way than
as a young boy. We lived alone before this, and things were
fine. But, now, he is always so bummed out and moody.
And that makes me bummed out and moody. And, then, I get resentful
that he hasn't done anything to change the problem. Does anyone
else have a MIL like this? One of my friends said that she will
probably create an illness just to keep him here sometime in the next
few months. I can't believe this whole situation, and I can't
even stand being in the same room as her anymore, because of all the
pain she is causing with her little witchy ways. You know we
have 6 months to go, and I don't know what to do. We are living
here so we can save money to move, but, really, how much money is
our relationship worth? $500.00 a month? Truly pathetic.
Oh, by the way, I have had to find a therapist for my fiancé
just so he can cope with all this cr@p and try to put it into perspective.
.PLEASE HELP.
Signed - We Have 6 Months
To Go - PLEASE HELP
RESPONSE: We Have 6 Months To Go - PLEASE HELP
Posted: 27-NOV-01
I know this sounds harsh, but you ONLY have 6 months
until the great escape. Do your best to handle the situation
as an adult, and keep in mind this is going to change soon.
Some DILs are stuck with their MILs forever. You really are
very lucky. I was glad to hear that you are getting counseling
for your FDH. That is a step in the right direction. Remember,
chin up - it will all be over soon.
RESPONSE: We Have 6 Months To Go - PLEASE HELP
Posted: 27-NOV-01
The therapist will help him more than anyone can.
Hooray for him for going. So many men won't admit that they
could benefit from talking to a professional. The fact that
he not only recognizes it, but is going through with it, speaks volumes
about his seriousness to end the current situation. My advice
to you would be to sit back and try to be as supportive as possible.
If you start demanding that he take action, then you look like the
bad guy. Count down the time and be thankful that MIL won't
even try the cr@p with you!
RESPONSE: We Have 6 Months To Go - PLEASE HELP
Posted: 27-NOV-01
Yes, I have a MIL like yours. The only difference
is that my DH is the only son in the family, and my FIL died years
ago. MIL leans on my DH so much that I despise her the double
of her dependency on my DH. She raised my DH by emotionally
blackmailing him, just like yours, by saying that she has only him
and all that sh!t. I hate her so much that I am considering
stopping talking to her. But I can't make my DH cut her off
completely. Oh how I wish I could do that.
RESPONSE: We Have 6 Months To Go - PLEASE HELP
Posted: 28-NOV-01
The therapist should be a big help. None of us
should be indebted to our parents for bringing us into the world.
They should be proud of us for going out into society and becoming
successful and independent. Rather, some of these MILs guilt
us into being their entertainment for the rest of THEIR lives.
Definitely move out, six months is a looong time when you're that
unhappy.
RESPONSE: We Have 6 Months To Go - PLEASE HELP
Posted: 28-NOV-01
Keep your head up, 6 months is not that long.
Your fiancé obviously loves you. If he didn't, his mother
probably would have convinced him to get rid of you, and he would
have agreed. Always remember, MILs are older than you, have
more wrinkles, and put on weight a lot quicker. Humor the woman.
Tell her what she wants to hear, and then laugh at her as you and
your fiancé leave arm in arm!!!
RESPONSE: We Have 6 Months To Go - PLEASE HELP
Posted: 28-NOV-01
It sounds like you're in for a ride. Why do you
have to wait six months to move out? Me, I'd rather live in
a studio apartment in a bad part of the city than put up with that
cr@p. Sit down with your DF and discuss his mother. Let
him know that her behavior is TOTALLY unacceptable, and you're through
putting up with it. Let him know that you'd like to look for
a place of your own NOW, not six months from now. Even if the
move has to wait for six months for some reason (like college?), it
sounds to me like you need to get out of that place, with or without
him. Reassure him that you'd MUCH rather he come with you, but
you're going - with or without him. I see no need to warn her
that you're going. Just quietly find a place and present it
as a done deal.
RESPONSE: We Have 6 Months To Go - PLEASE HELP
Posted: 29-NOV-01
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life (and
your future children's life) with him and his mother?
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Posted: 28-NOV-01
My H and I have endured 3 years of lies and abuse from
his mother. For the first 2 1/2 years that we dated, she **LOVED**
me, and told everyone how wonderful I was. Then, my DH and I
stood up to her, because we wanted to make our own decisions about
OUR wedding, where WE wanted to live, and how WE chose to live OUR
lives (grad school, etc.). We made some very good decisions,
by the way. She was nasty throughout our engagement and wedding.
She told lies to relatives, used any chance to yell at DH, broke all
of her numerous promises at the very last second, yelled at another
woman at our shower, and just pouted and whined the entire time.
Some of the lies that she has been saying about her son and my family
and me have gotten back to us, and we are furious. So, since
we do not wish to speak with MIL very much, she sends her DD to spy
on us and cause trouble. DH and SIL have had many fights about
SIL calling up to start fights and being rude to him. Finally,
she was given an ultimatum to either stop being terrible or get out
of our lives. Then, she was very good for 6 months (sweet, passive,
no mention of MIL). It turns out that she was cheating on her
husband (again) and was about to get a divorce (after 10 months of
marriage). Think MIL didn't gossip about all that?. She
was feeling bad about herself, and had respected our wishes, so I
made the offer for her to come to Thanksgiving. So, what does
she do??? One week before Thanksgiving, she called up and started
the same stuff that made us not want to talk to her to begin with.
DH yelled at her, and I yelled at her. Finally, she was uninvited
to Thanksgiving, because she was starting the trouble again, and we
didn't want it at our home. Please keep in mind that MIL was
not invited, and this would be the first time in over 1 year that
SIL would be in our home. Now, MIL has her new DH gossip.
We can be bad guys again, but at least we have our freedom, since
DH has no intention of talking to SIL anytime in the near future.
DH said he is done worrying about what makes other people happy when
they don't care about us, our feelings, or our happiness. I
guess I have to count my blessings, and just focus on keeping a peaceful,
happy home, and only worry about those who are supportive and good
to us. Life has been wonderful, fun, and relaxed since MIL has
been out of the picture. Maybe it can even get better without
the stress of spying, lying SIL J
Signed - Lots To Be Thankful
For - Peace, Quiet, and Happiness
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Posted: 28-NOV-01
DH and I had been engaged for about a year and a half
before we actually married. The entire time, we said we weren't
going to have a wedding. We were just going to go to the courthouse
and have it done there. No frills. So, when DH called
his mom and said, "Mom, I'm getting married in a month,"
the first thing out of her mouth was, "Why?" Then,
she came up with a list of reasons why we shouldn't do it. I've
never seen DH more angry than at that moment. I avoided speaking
to her for a few days. And, when she finally got me on the phone,
she tried to convince me that we should wait and save up for the big
wedding that neither I nor DH wanted anyway.
Signed - She Asked Him
Why
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Posted: 28-NOV-01
I was very relieved when I found this site and read
the stories. I was not relieved that so many people had a hard
time. But I found out I was not alone. The problem I have
is not with my fiancé's real mother ( whom I adore ), but with
his evil, evil, evil, stepmother. There is a slight age difference
between my fiancé and I (12 years). But, since our first
kiss, we have been hopelessly in love. I met his stepmother
about a year ago, and, at first, I thought I was lucky to meet a woman
I could relate to. She was hip, enjoyed a drink, and was not
afraid to speak up for herself. We got on very well, until I
bought a philosophy book that included a section on the history of
witchcraft. I bought it in the gift shop in the theater where
she worked. Soon after, all four tires on her car needed to
be changed (they lived in the middle of the countryside, and it was
a hatchback!!). She was convinced I was a witch, and that I
was casting spells on her. I assure you, I was not. She
took my book from my room when I wasn't home, and proceeded to tell
members of my fiancé's family about how evil I was. After
this, she did seem to have a spell of bad luck - but these things
happen! We all have bad luck from time to time, but we get on
with our lives. But, I'm supposedly a witch, who has nothing
better to do with her time than cast hocus pocus on a woman whom I
don't really have time for. We did move far away from her.
I had been warned before this started that she was a bit of an insane
woman, but I didn't think that anybody could purposefully be unkind.
Even moving away didn't stop it. My fiancé's sister is
close to her, and she thinks I'm a witch (or that's her excuse for
being rude to me). And, I have even received phone calls from
the MIL when she was drunk, screaming at me to leave her alone.
Once, I think I heard her spit down the phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That phone call had been the first time I heard her voice in 3 months.
I was living 600 miles away from her!! How could any of it be
my fault? I have never confronted her about it, as it makes
my fiancé very sad (he has never said anything to her about
it, which makes me sad). But, I suppose that if we did fight
back, it would just make life harder. And, I think that is what
she is trying to get me to do. She has made my life he!!, made
me cry, and even put great tension on my relationship with my fiancé
And, all of it is because I am marrying her STEP son-in-law.
How is this legal?
Signed - P****d Off Irish
Woman
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Posted: 15-NOV-01
My story is tragic. I use the word tragic because
I no longer have feelings of hatred toward my mother-in-law.
I no longer have any feelings at all. She is out of my life
(well, about 99.99%). My mother-in-law couldn't help but be
abusive towards me. She is that way with everyone around her.
At this point, she has been divorced twice, lost a relationship of
about five years, and has never had any friends. I have read
about mothers-in-law whose children are their whole lives, which makes
their sons and daughters-in-law miserable. Such was not the
case for me. My MIL cares for no one but herself. She
does nothing to make her children happy. In fact, it is quite
the opposite. Her toxic behavior keeps everyone unhappy all
the time. What I couldn't understand is why no one said anything
to her about it. My BIL and his wife divorced because, in order
to cope with the mother-in-law's behavior, my brother-in-law's wife
reacted verbally to everything she did. Not to my MIL, mind
you, that was not permitted under any circumstances! She would
lash out at my BIL for both the actions of my MIL and my BIL's inability
to confront his mother. This went on for ten years! Although
she did attempt to separate after five years, she didn't follow through.
They divorced two years ago. My BIL has since remarried, and
the cycle is starting all over again. I endured my MIL for five
years of my marriage. I don't count the five years of dating
beforehand, because at that point, I do agree that his mother should
have come first in his eyes. The difference between myself and
my ex SIL is that, after five years, I had a child. I could
defend myself, but my child was an incapable of doing so. It
was time to make a stand. I may have to forgo my happiness with
my husband, but I had to protect my child. I carefully wrapped
a journal I had been keeping detailing the actions of my MIL towards
everyone, not just myself. It was very detailed. This
had been my way of coping. I added a beautiful card which spoke
of the love between a husband and wife and the wonder of marriage.
In it I wrote, "I am going away for this weekend to give you
the space and time to read this book. Please read it thoroughly
and carefully. Our future depends on it. It's time for
us to be happy." With the package, I also added a confrontational
and very detailed letter. In a perfect world, my husband would
send this letter to his mother. It was a letter that would basically
end with "change or be out of our lives". At the end
of the weekend, I returned home. Not knowing what I would find,
I was scared to death. What I found was a bouquet of roses on
the table with a card that read, "I love you and always will.
P.S. I not only signed the letter, I mailed it."
That was five years ago. Except for a few attempts to abuse
my husband through cards, my MIL is out of our lives. With every
attempt, she only proves that she will not change. At the beginning
of this story, I used the word tragic. This story is tragic,
because I am a mother who loves her children more than anything in
the world. I cannot imagine not having them in my life.
I cannot understand a mother who would rather be alone than have her
family around her. I love my life. I have a great husband,
two wonderful children, and a great life. I would love to be
able to share this happiness with the person who gave birth to my
wonderful husband. But she has ensured, by the person she chooses
to be, that this cannot happen. Tragic.
Signed - She Is Still In
My Prayers
RESPONSE: She Is Still In My Prayers
Posted: 26-NOV-01
All I can say for you and your DH is: BRAVO!!!
RESPONSE: She Is Still In My Prayers
Posted: 27-NOV-01
Wow. Touching ending. You handled it brilliantly.
I only wish I had half the strength.
RESPONSE: She Is Still In My Prayers
Posted: 27-NOV-01
That's a wonderful idea! And, I'm so glad it
worked out well for you. You've given me inspiration.
My DF is slowly becoming aware of his mother's actions. But,
she still has that inexplicable pull that makes him question ME half
the time. I think I'll start a journal of my own. And,
although I hope it won't be necessary, I'll save it for a later date.
Thanks.
RESPONSE: She Is Still In My Prayers
Posted: 27-NOV-01
It IS tragic. She will die miserable and alone,
like my MIL. I am proud of you! I made my stand for my
child also - 5 years into my marriage. Like you, I was hoping
my marriage would last and my husband would see the light. But,
I was prepared to go on alone to protect our son. Our marriage
also not only survived, but it is stronger and better than ever.
Actually, what is even more tragic is how so many of these MILs end
up destroying their children's marriages.
RESPONSE: She Is Still In My Prayers
Posted: 27-NOV-01
I give you a lot of credit for standing up for yourself
and your family. That must have been one awful weekend - you
were away, wondering what you would find when you got back and whether
your life would be completely changed. Good for you (and your
husband!).
RESPONSE: She Is Still In My Prayers
Posted: 28-NOV-01
Tragic, but I am very happy for you. The support
of your husband is sometimes the hardest thing to gain when it comes
to family. DILs and SILs are often never really considered one
of the family. Sadly, your children have one less Grandmother.
But it is great that they aren't exposed to such a woman. You
are lucky! Be thankful for that.
RESPONSE: She Is Still In My Prayers
Posted: 28-NOV-01
Congratulations on your "new" life with your
husband and family! It is incredible, and yet sad, that this
woman chooses to not have her family in her life. You should
be proud of yourself for standing strong for yourself, your kids,
and your marriage!!
RESPONSE: She Is Still In My Prayers
Posted: 28-NOV-01
You have a tremendous amount of class and dignity.
The way you signed your post tells me that. You also have a
lot of courage for giving your DH that journal. I admire the
way you handled the whole situation, and I applaud your DH for confronting
his mother and choosing his family's happiness over her crazy games.
You both deserve the happiness and peace you have achieved.
Your MIL does not know how lucky she was to have you for her DIL.
I wish you, DH, and your child the very best!
RESPONSE: She Is Still In My Prayers
Posted: 28-NOV-01
I have to say, I was crying by the end of your post.
You sound as if you are my clone living my exact life with my exact
MIL and DH. There wasn't a letter between my husband and I,
but, for many years, he allowed her to abuse us and control us basically.
Once the kids were born, I took my stand, and now she is also out
of our lives. January will be one year. She is also out
of BIL and SIL's lives. February will be 2 years for them.
All of this is because her sons will not be controlled by her any
longer. Your husband is a real catch (like mine is). And,
bless us, because our husbands stand by our sides! I pray that
others can one day have the blessings we have in our DH's! God
Bless!
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Posted: 15-NOV-01
For the few months that I had lived with my MIL after
my marriage, my MIL used to call me by the name of her maid.
Apparently, her maid's name started with the same letter as mine.
Few times was OK. It can be a mistake. But the whole time?
I am sure it was intentional.
Signed - I Think It Was
Intentional
RESPONSE: I Think It Was Intentional
Posted: 27-NOV-01
Of course it was intentional. But you can use
it to your advantage! The next time she does something that
is a little dingy, just excuse it, and say, "I understand that
you have trouble with your memory, and it's ok. After all, you
can never even remember my name." Good luck.
RESPONSE: I Think It Was Intentional
Posted: 28-NOV-01
Yikes! Did she expect you to do housework?
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Posted: 26-NOV-01
WOW. I am going to come to this site every day.
I don't even live in the same state as my FMIL, and she is so terrible.
I can relate to so many of these stories. I feel like we all
have the same MIL. We are going in about a week to visit our
family in the midwest. Both of our families live in the same
city. We live on the west coast. My mom just had another
baby (I am one of 10). And my boyfriend's mom lives with her
mom. My boyfriend only had his mom and gramma his whole life.
I don't know where to start! Basically, this is what my problem
is: MY family is the best. They don't care if the person
just got out of jail. If I picked him, he MUST be great.
I picked the person I went to high school with. After 3 years,
we started going out. His mom is different. His gramma
is different. They are wacko. In fact, the FMIL's brother
and sister don't even talk to them (I wonder why?!! I want to
meet them!). Anyway, we have been living here for about 1 year.
We are going to visit for about 1 or two weeks. Well, his mom
has written some NASTY, mean, immature emails. DF needed her
tax information so he can get financial aid for school and she said,
"No, you aren't here. You have to do it yourself.
You made the wrong decisions. You are being manipulated."
That kind of thing. Well, about three weeks ago, when DF called
his mom to tell him the good news that WE were coming to visit (we
are both staying at my parent's house by the way), it basically ended
up with him hanging up on her with tears in his eyes saying, "So
you would rather not see me than see my fiancee?" Now,
they haven't talked for about 3 weeks. She would write him emails
almost every day telling him about how work was and how people his
age she works with are doing these awesome things that he isn't doing.
Well, he says that when he goes to our home state, he wont see her.
But, he will see his gramma because she is old. Well, I haven't
had any confrontations with her. She never said anything TO
my face. And I let DF make his own decisions. Is it too
late for her to like me? She has said some things like, "She
is a great manipulator. She is immature. You picked the
wrong girl." I don't want to get in-between mom and son,
but look what she says about me! It's not true! If she
saw me, would she see how awesome I am! Probably not.
She will think it's MY fault that he didn't see her. But it's
not!!!! I don't make his decisions for him like she did!
I am his first "girlfriend". He is my second "boyfriend".
IN FACT, his best friend used to be my boyfriend. They are not
best friends now because of other reasons (not because he is my ex
boyfriend). And, now my ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend (we
are best friends). She works with DF's mom. FMIL LOVES
her. Everyone gets along great but HER. ISN'T THIS A SOAP
OPERA! What should I do? Does she already hate me to the
point of no return? Should I go to lunch with her when DF decides
to see her? Or does she not deserve to be in my presence after
all the mean things she has said about me and my family? I could
totally see her doing the things that you guys talk about.
Signed - Is It Too Late
For Her To Like Me?
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Posted: 25-NOV-01
DH's family has been giving me the cold shoulder for
the past year and a half. Why?? Well we decided not to
have kids right away. She thinks that it is my decision, and
that DEAR DH is just an innocent little baby boy who is being manipulated
by a bad witch like me. She had a look of disappointment 10
days after we got married when I got my period (she was in our house
at that time, and does she think that we are superman and woman??).
Even if we were planning to have a baby right away, at least give
us a couple of months. Give me a break. What does she
think we got married for? To make babies to please her??
Sometimes there is a limit to the low level that a MIL can go to.
I am sure that, by now, it is clear to her that I am not a breeding
stock that she bought from a fair. The decision not to have
children right away was both of ours - mine and DH. And I feel
she has no right to budge into it. Now that we are ready mentally
to start a family, my only concern is how do I keep her from thinking
that it is not my and DH's baby, but hers (and that she has all the
rights to it because she bore my DH). I know that she is going
to give me trouble with the baby, and I am going to lose my control
this time.
Signed - Don't Want Baby
To Please MONSTER IN LAW
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Posted: 23-NOV-01
My FDH is so scared of her that he refuses to actually
tell her that we've started planning the wedding. Every time
she calls, she tells him that the wedding isn't going to happen.
Apparently, I'm a gold digging hussy who is going to get pregnant
so that I can trap him. HA! I'm one of those people who
has a lot of health problems, so even if I could get pregnant at will,
I'm guessing that being pregnant wouldn't be all that comfortable.
My FDH is the most loving, caring person I have ever met. It
just kills me when he gets off the phone and can't stop shaking because
he is so upset. He just curls up in a little ball. Her
phone calls are so painful for both of us that, when we were talking
to the florist/photographer and she called on his cell phone, it ended
up ruining the whole exciting experience for us. I know I shouldn't
let it get to me, but it's so hard to watch her hurt him. He
loves his family so much. And, of course, she knows that, and
uses it against him. She wants him to come home for the holidays,
so she tells him that his little sister cries herself to sleep every
night because she misses him. Heck, if I were my SIL, I'd cry
myself to sleep every night knowing I had to wake up to my mother.
I live in fear of what kind of stunt she'll pull at the wedding!
Signed - Fear Stunt She'll
Pull At The Wedding!
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Posted: 14-NOV-01
My MIL recently complained to my DH about what a 4
year old kid from my side of the family said to a 7 year old kid from
her side of the family. The 4 year old asked the 7 year old
if a particular thing belonged to her aunt (me and my DH) or her (the
7 year old's) mother. She asked about this in my MIL's house.
And, we no longer live there. Apparently, the girl went and
told this to her mother, and also my MIL. Well, I ask you all
- is this a reason for complaining???????? Secondly, even if
the 4 year old had said something really offensive, still, for gods
sake, she is 4 years old. I would not even listen to what two
kids talk about and make an issue out of it. By the way, I am
the same person who wrote previously about MIL making a big issue
about nothing, keeping all the things to herself, and complaining
about such stuff, when it would have the most impact to my DH.
Please do respond and let me know what to do with her. She is
so odd that she can twist the words of a 4 year old. Somehow,
I cannot digest it, and it is making me really angry.
Signed - Loss Of Words
In Response to MIL's Complaint
RESPONSE From Poster: Loss Of Words In Response to MIL's
Complaint
Posted: 25-NOV-01
I forgot to mention in this submission that the 4
year old is now 7, and we are listening to this complaint 3 years
after it actually happened. My MIL wants to act goody in front
of my DH by saying, "See, I did not tell you what happened 3
years back. And, I am taking all the insults alone without troubling
you!! Am I not a perfect mother to you."
RESPONSE: Loss Of Words In Response to MIL's Complaint
Posted: 25-NOV-01
I'm a little confused, but it doesn't sound like something
for MIL to be upset over. However, you might not want to ignore
everything kids say. It might be something important.
Kids listen to everything and they are smarter than a lot of people
might think. They pick up on things that an adult might ignore.
RESPONSE: Loss Of Words In Response to MIL's Complaint
Posted: 25-NOV-01
Your latest entry seems very similar to my MIL incident.
It seems to me that this MIL needs attention, and will do anything
to get it. Have you ever seen those people in the store who
have a complaint and they blow it up and threaten to sue someone.
Same thing! ATTENTION! If you take a 4 year old child's
words and complain and fetter about it, to me that is overreacting.
For one, you are very correct when you say, "Why would you listen
to a child's conversation?" You are correct again when
you say, "SO WHAT if the child is being obnoxious, if that was
in fact the case." Third, it is such a minor incident,
and that leads me to believe that your MIL is definitely seeking attention
or likes to keep things "stirred up". Get out of there!
Just explain to your MIL that you think problem solving skills are
important for children to have. However, in order for them to
attain them, they must be allowed to handle non-threatening situations
on their own. Assure her that, if in fact the children were
being physical or doing something hurtful that would cause harm, you
would, in fact, monitor or move in. But, they were not, so you
are choosing to let them learn to become capable and self-reliant
human beings. Since she likes things "stirred up",
be quick, clear, and be done! And, then just to make yourself
feel better, give your daughter a hug, and tell her you love her.
That is something I do just for me. When my MIL gets to me,
I take a break and remind myself, by giving my family hugs, that I
am doing the right thing! However, since this already happened,
you can bring it up again to her before you go visit again.
You can start by saying, "By the way, I noticed you were bothered
by (4 year old) the other day. She never intended to _________.
Kids just play, and have such a different view than grown-ups.
I hope you don't feel bothered by the way I parent, because (this
is where you tell her that the way children become capable and self-reliant
is by letting them take care of the "small stuff").
It may not go well at first, because difficult people take a minute,
but this way you can say what you want to say, have it said, and she
can't twist your words around. Know exactly what you want to
say, and then say it! Quick, clear, and be done!
RESPONSE: Loss Of Words In Response to MIL's Complaint
Posted: 26-NOV-01
Errrr, some people have the mentality of a 4 year
old themselves. I am a mother of a 4 year old myself, although
it is very important for me to make him know that he is important
enough to listen to, I don't hang on every word. Hello!!
You are obviously talking about a person who thinks that the world
is out to get them, and even that 4 year old little girl has evil
things about her churning in her head. Okay, lets see - playing
with toys, watching cartoons, eating peanut butter and jellies, and
learning the ABCs'. Yep, there is definitely something to hold
onto there. Your MIL needs to grow up FAST.
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Posted: 12-SEP-01
Oh my god, this is so my sight. Well to be short
and blunt, I can relate because I live with a MIL. I am Italian
American, and soon to marry an Italian. Well to start, my FMIL
is jealous of me, and, yes, I do mean jealous in the sense of being
jealous of another woman as in the lover sense. She calls me
ugly every day, or makes some snide remark to me in which she likes
to pretend I don't understand Italian, which makes me more angry.
My fiancé is 35 years old, and she still comes to check on
us, and fights with us if she thinks we have slept in the same bed.
I feel like I am molesting her 10 year old son, sometimes, instead
of dating her 35 year old son. And, when it comes to mama, oh
that macho man flies right out the door, and he is mama's baby boy
or mama's heart. She asks me to send his clothes home so she
can wash them (the way they should be washed and ironed). And,
then, she sends over food, thinking I am letting him starve to death.
And, she wants him to marry an Italian girl who is his first cousin.
But, hey, to her, as long as she is a pure Italian girl, then it is
OK with her. Oh god, I want to scream. And, I explained
that is normal for a mother and son to love each other, but some mothers
take that too far. She walked around speaking under her breath,
cursing me. She gets "sudden illness", and asks my
fiancé to help her and check "this" on her and "that"
on her in order to see if she will live. I ask if she wants
to go to the doctor, to which she replies, "No, I will be OK
I just need my son to be next to me for a while." And,
she usually gets these spells when we try to go out to dinner alone,
or when we don't go and visit her enough, or when we have something
special planned together. To make it worse, of course my fiancé
just jumps, when she calls, with his tail between his legs.
I have tried everything under the sun to be nice and kind to her.
Now, I am the bad guy, because I outright refuse to speak with her.
I first tried to be very nice and kind to her and speak with her.
She told me I was ugly, and I am not. And, then, she gossiped
about me, pulled at her hair, and cried to my fiancé that she
will poison herself, and asked DH why he wants to hurt her?
I told him point blank she is out of her freakin' mind, and I was
tired of dealing with her attics. And if she gets that sick
again, I will call the ambulance and they will take her (even if she
suddenly feels fine). I do not speak with her, as I told her,
"I am too nice to you for you to say such nasty and mean things
to me. And I am not going to listen to you, nor talk to you,
'til you can act like a grown woman and give me the respect I give
you and deserve." Oh, and I have to mention that, when
I clean at my home, she actually has the nerve to come over and re-clean
behind me, as if I didn't get my home clean enough. And I told
my fiancé, "You keep her out of this house if she is going
to do that," only to hear, "Well, she just has nothing better
to do. So, please don't hurt her feelings." Bloody
He!!. As if, when she hurts my feelings, that is nothing.
But, you hurt her feelings, and she begins to cry and say she is dying.
Ohh MILs are sometimes bad, yes. I swear, it is enough to make
me want to call off the wedding. I want a man with a spine,
and someone who is not afraid of hard work (just because his mother
always protected him from working too hard and making things too easy
for him). Oh, I am sorry for blabbing on, but, oh that felt
so good to get that out.
Signed - Frustrated and
Mad as He!!
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 3-OCT-01
I, too, come from an Italian family, and from experience
I know it's easier to separate Siamese twins than an Italian man from
his mama!!! I would sit down and have a long talk with your
fiancé, and tell him in NO uncertain terms that he needs to
stand by you in dealing with his mother. I remember hearing
the old "I think I'm gonna die", and the "You're breaking
your mother's heart" routine. Guilt is her best friend!!
It will be hard to make him stand up for you, and I wish you the best
of luck!!! If he won't, then I would seriously reconsider marrying
him, unless you always want to take a back seat to his mother.
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 3-OCT-01
You say your MIL's behavior is, "enough to make
(you) want to call off the wedding." Well, WHAT WOULD IT
TAKE, LADY?! Get out now! He's already married to his
mom. He'll never leave her. Didn't you see the 60 Minutes
show on Italian men who live with their moms? You've got a macho
momma's boy, and this situation is NOT going to get better.
Go to a couple's therapist now if you don't believe me.
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 4-OCT-01
Either get counseling to get things straight with
your FDH, or call off the wedding. Things will not get better
- they'll only get worse.
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 4-OCT-01
If DH is spineless now, wait 'til after you marry
him. Give him an ultimatum and then stick to it. Trust
me on this.
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 4-OCT-01
To the point: Dump his mama-boy's ass!
At 35, he's still a mama's boy and will always be a mama's boy.
If you stay with him, you will regret it for a long time. You
need to find yourself a man, a mature man. Surprise her sometime
by replying to her insults in her own language. As for him marrying
his first cousin, not a really good idea. Genetically, they
are too close. And, in most places, first cousins are not allowed
to marry because of that. I wish you a good life - whatever
you decide to do.
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 12-OCT-01
No offense, but leave the guy. Seriously, I
don't see the problem. You aren't married yet. She's obviously
a psycho. And he is going to let you suffer at her hands until
she dies, because he is too weak to do anything about it. Your
fiancé is obviously the product of years of psychotic brainwashing,
and that's not something you are going to be able to change.
I would cut my losses with this one. If my husband let my MIL
call me ugly, then she would be more than welcome to cook and clean
and launder for him, because I sure as hell wouldn't do it.
Trust me, move on. You'll find someone else and live a much
happier life for it.
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 23-OCT-01
Wake up and smell the coffee here. If your FMIL
is that manipulative now, and DH-to-be has no spine, think about what
the next 30 years of your life will be like. Run away while
you can. If DH will admit there's a problem, he may be salvageable,
but you have to be prepared to leave him.
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 27-OCT-01
You've spoken about the kind of man you want to marry,
and he is none of them. Think about this twice before you marry
him, because once you're married, it is still going to be momma's
way.
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 1-NOV-01
This is my first entry on the site (which, so far,
I must say I love!!). But, there is definitely a common thread
through it all. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER!! Like all the other
respondents have pointed out, you need to seriously consider your
willingness to take second chair to MIL. My MIL has done it
all and said it all. But, at least my DH generally seems to
see the problem in the same light that I do. The only thing
more frustrating than dealing with an irrational MIL is doing it by
yourself. My DH and I have been together for 11 years.
Just after we moved in together, my MIL and FIL came to town.
They were not impressed with the fact that we were living together,
because when their darling son went away to school, they told him
he was not allowed to have a girlfriend, as that would only interfere
with his studies. Anyway, the gist of it is that my MIL stood
in my house and yelled, "I WILL THROW THE F***ING B!TCH'S STUFF
ON THE FRONT LAWN MYSELF IF I HAVE TO." I pretty much told
my DH that I would not live with a woman like that in my life.
The choice was his. Ironically enough, I did not feel like it
was an ultimatum. I loved him, but I was prepared to leave.
That was almost a decade and two children ago, but we now have a civil
relationship with his parents (through a lot of work) and a great
marriage. Don't sell yourself short. In-laws are a part
of your life. Think long and hard.
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 8-NOV-01
Boy, this is exactly like the situation I had with
my ex-fiance last year. His mother was a goddamned nightmare.
His mother sounds exactly like what you are dealing with, and I know
it makes you want to scream and cut the b!tch out of your life for
good. My ex and I broke up because of his mother. She
sabotaged our relationship from the beginning. What is going
on here is a sick, emotionally incestuous relationship between your
fiancé and his mother. She uses guilt tactics to make
him perform as to her wishes. I left my fiancé because
he never stood up to the mother (witch from he!!). It was sad,
too, because I really loved him, but he really showed me what he was
made of when he wouldn't control his mother, and he allowed himself
to be controlled. I think mothers like this are the absolute
antichrist. They are selfish, manipulative, and evil people
that do not deserve any respect whatsoever. They should be ignored
until they treat you with respect. The trick is getting your
fiancé to buy this. Your fiancé may even get a
kick out of putting you in a position to compete with his mother,
so be alert to this kind of dysfunction as well. Oh, these types
of MILs are really evil, and it really is a shame that nice girls
like us are faced with such BS. Mothers need to learn to butt
out of their son's business. Pulling the "I'm dying"
routine is even more insulting. And, really, I can't tell you
how many times have I secretly wished she would ;). Nope, these
types of MILs are evil, and you need to be objective, mature, and
an adult when it comes to this. Believe it or not, 9 times out
of 10 the MILs win with their childish behavior, because it's very
hard to say no to your mother, even if she is twisted. Let your
fiancé assess the situation. He has to make a choice
- either you come first and mother second, or mother first and you
are gone. It even says in the bible, a son will leave his mother
and take a wife. I HATE MILS LIKE YOURS - HATE THEM!!!!!
I think that my MIL soured all men for me. I haven't dated since
- and I am not looking to either. Good luck, and God bless you.
Don't put up with her sh!t. Let her have it when she is unreasonable.
Speak very logically to her all the time. Make her look like
the nut that she is.
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 14-NOV-01
If you think you are frustrated now, just wait until
after you are married. You better run like the wind now, or
forever hold your peace, because, from the sounds of it, you won't
get any. I was married to a mama's boy too, with the worst MIL
in town. Been there, done that. So, please think very
hard about walking down the aisle now. Also, if you guys plan
to live in the same house as her, you can hang it up for sure.
Good luck!!
RESPONSE: Frustrated and Mad as He!!
Posted: 23-NOV-01
GET OUT NOW! If you are dreading the MIL to
be and the wedding, can you look forward to the kids? She is
going after you now. Wait until the kids come along. Do
you honestly want them to see all the power she will have over you
and your family? If you don't leave, you will certainly have
to get things straight now. Your fiance has to be in alignment
with you or it is all fruitless. She clearly is a dominant and
powerful figure in your husband's eyes. Where are you?
Italian does not mean that you and your husband to be cannot have
a life of your own. She is just using it as an excuse to be
rude, overbearing, heartless and verbally abusive. Tell it like
it is, it's not being Italian, it's her ticket to being a witch.
GET OUT NOW, or forever hold your peace!
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Posted: 11-NOV-01
I have this site bookmarked, although I haven't written
before. I like knowing that I'm not alone. I have finally
decided to write because I have finally gotten to the point where
my entry won't be in all caps. Plus, I was worried that MIL
will read this - but now I don't care. She called and woke us
up the other day about an hour earlier than our alarm clock.
I was wondering who had died, but DH said her first words were, "Why
don't you respect me?" I went and took a shower.
When I got out I could hear DH saying things like, "Please don't
do this," and, "Could you listen to me a moment," etc.
At least he didn't cry this time. A lot of the time he does
cry when she calls. She even calls him at work. I have
gotten to the point where I dread hearing her voice on the line.
She rips into him, and drags up things that should have been buried
twenty years ago. She calls here a lot, too. I want to
pull the plug on the phone sometimes, but I don't, because that would
make DH more upset, and that would send her through the roof.
She says things like, "I would have divorced your father eighteen
years ago if I hadn't had you," and, "You need to make me
a part of your life," etc. God, the things she says.
I don't want to go over to her house anymore. I like my FIL
a lot, however, and it would kill DH not to see him. The last
time we were there, she ranted and raved at both of them for three
hours, telling them how awful they were and how much she wanted to
kill herself (but she wouldn't, because she LOVES DH), and how much
she wants to see her grandchildren before she dies (I don't ever,
ever want kids - and she has no other children). We finally
left to go somewhere. I had to sit in the front seat because
she had to sit next to DH. But she b!tched FIL out the entire
way. I felt like backhanding her. She has this awful screeching
voice, and it was right in my ear. But the worst thing is the
way she treats DH. She tells him he's fat, crazy, and stupid.
She also says he is "just like her" (meaning whatever great
trait she possesses that she's describing at the moment). He's
not like her. He's WONDERFUL. There I go in caps, sorry.
I love my husband more than anything on this earth, and the more she
b!tches to him and about him, the more I wish she would take a few
too many pills. I'm not a vindictive person usually, and it
horrifies me to say that. That's one of the ways she gets people
to care about her - to threaten to suicide. She also tells them
that she loves them so much, and that she stayed with FIL, ruining
her life forever. She could have done something with her life.
If she had, she wouldn't be so miserable (if only she hadn't had DH
and loved him SO MUCH the way she does). The other usual DIL
things apply here: She monopolizes DH whenever she sees him,
she contradicts everything I say, she talks over me, she's extremely
nosy, she gives me stupid gifts, she's rude, she's jealous of my parents,
and so much more! But I could deal with all that, if she didn't
treat my DH like excrement and call it LOVE. I don't know what
to do. I wish I could hang up whenever she calls. I wish
I could say that I don't ever want to set foot in her house again.
And, I wish I could take back every hurtful thing she has ever said
to DH. But I can't! What can I do? Oh yes, she is
on medication and she is seeing counselors, but, of course, it isn't
helping much, is it?
Signed - Vindictive DIL
RESPONSE: Vindictive DIL
Posted: 17-NOV-01
Oh my goodness. Of all the stories I've read
here, I think yours is one of the worst! Your poor husband.
He needs to get some counseling to help him deal with this emotionally
abusive woman! And, make no mistake, she is emotionally abusing
him. Your husband is going to have to learn not to accept this
behavior from her. But, it's going to be a hard battle.
She's not going to give up her control of him easily. And, once
he begins to resist, she's going to pull out all the stops!
When she calls him early in the morning or at work, maybe he can just
start telling her that it's not an appropriate time to talk, tell
her good-bye, and hang up the phone. When she tells him about
how great her life would have been if she hadn't sacrificed everything
for him, maybe he can just calmly respond by telling her that he is
not responsible for the choices she made in life. The suicide
threat is the most difficult of all. I once knew someone who
threatened me with that. I don't know if I handled the situation
correctly or not, but I just told them I would not be emotionally
blackmailed like that. And if they made the threat again, I
would cease to communicate with them at all. Despite what I've
said so far, I'm nervous about giving any advice, because this situation,
for your husband, seems so delicate that he really needs a professional
to help him deal with this woman. He needs to get away from
her destructive influence, and realize that he is not responsible
for her unhappiness. Please, please, please get him (maybe both
of you!) to a counselor as fast as possible! I wish you both
the best of luck, and hope you'll keep us posted on what happens.
RESPONSE: Vindictive DIL
Posted: 18-NOV-01
GAWD. How miserable for you. Do you know
what the problem is? Is she suffering from some mental illness,
or was there some significant event that changed her behavior?
I'm in a similar situation with my MIL. She's just awful to
my DH. I think, though, easier said than done, believe me, I
KNOW - you have to let her be miserable and ignore it. If it
means you and DH see a counselor about it, do so. She has to
pull herself together, and has to stop the emotional battery on her
son and you. If she can't do that, you will have to learn how
to handle it. It is surely difficult to do, because I'm sure
your DH loves her on some level, otherwise you wouldn't see the tears.
Don't be a victim. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Vindictive DIL
Posted: 18-NOV-01
WOW - I don't think you are being vindictive at all.
I think that in your situation, those emotions are normal! You've
put up with a lot more than I think I could have had the patience
for. When reading your post, I could totally see the elements
of EMOTIONAL INCEST in your MIL's relationship to your DH. My
husband's mom also emotionally abused him, and we benefited from reading
the book. I really think both you and DH would benefit from
reading the book on Emotional Incest called "When
A Parent's Love Rules Your Life", by Dr. Love.
You can find it by clicking on MIL MALL to the left (or
just click on title -editor). After reading it, you
two could benefit from counseling and addressing the issues of how
your MILs emotional incest has affected your husband. Or your
husband could go into counseling alone to work through those issues.
He needs to address them as soon as possible, and then hopefully,
after reading the book and going through some therapy, he will learn
how to handle her extremely dysfunctional behavior. He is NOT
responsible for her happiness, as she has conditioned him to believe.
A lot of victims of emotional incest have a HUGE guilt complex.
Working through the book and attending therapy will help address and
alleviate that guilt complex, as your husband begins to realize he
does not OWE his mother his life, and he is NOT responsible for her
anymore. She will have to learn to fend on her own. You
guys can't continue to hold her hand anymore. Best wishes to
you and your DH.
RESPONSE: Vindictive DIL
Posted: 18-NOV-01
You don't have to answer the phone. If you have
caller id and it is her, just don't pick it up. You have every
right to protect yourself from this toxic person. You said that
you were glad to find this site and know that you are not alone.
I think your DH needs to know he is not alone either. There
are others like him who have very emotionally abusive mothers, and
I think he feels responsible for her (especially where she threatens
to commit suicide). Your DH could use some counseling of his
own to deal with his mother's craziness. There are books also
(look under the message board) that your DH and you could read together.
Maybe once your DH sees that his mother's behavior is not normal or
appropriate, he will be able to take steps to protect himself and
you from her. Your MIL is holding everyone hostage with her
emotional blackmail, and this is no way for you to live. You
should talk with your DH and tell him how his mother's behavior makes
you feel. Tell him that you know how badly she makes him feel,
and that he doesn't have to put up with it. Putting limits on
his mother, and setting boundaries, is a very reasonable thing to
do. No one has the right to abuse either one of you, whether
they are a parent or not. Best of luck to you, and hang in there!
Join the message board if you want to talk more!!
RESPONSE: Vindictive DIL
Posted: 18-NOV-01
I feel so sorry for you. I can only imagine
what it is like to be you with a MIL like that. All I can say
is, get yourself and your DH to counseling FAST! Also, caller
ID helps out a lot!! Your MIL will never change. And if
you did have children (I understand you don't want them, I am just
saying IF you did), she would get worse! Imagine her X 100!
Wow, what a nightmare! Thank you for sharing your story and
welcome aboard. Come over to the message board where advice
will continue. Good luck, and keep us posted.
RESPONSE: Vindictive DIL
Posted: 18-NOV-01
I was horrified by your MIL's behavior, and want to
say I think you sound like a lovely person. I knew a woman a
lot like her (she compares amazingly well to your description), and
hope you keep posting here. I worked to help that woman (through
a state agency), and it did me a lot of psychological harm - just
the screeching voice, manipulation, and psychological abuse (and nonstop
fast, loud talking!). If you come up with any more insights
about your MIL, I hope you post them here. The way I finally
learned to deal with this woman was by putting on kind of an armor
of tough good humor. I would deliberately goof around, and be
loud, and use a lot of humor which, in turn, made her laugh.
But, I am, by nature, a shy, sensitive person. So, after six
months or so of seeing her day after day, I was incredibly upset and
depressed. People like that are toxic. The job I had before
that was the reverse - soul-affirming and uplifting. Well, I
sure sympathize with you a LOT, and wish you well with all my heart.
I can understand the utter frustration that just makes you think,
"Hey, just go ahead and take those pills, you monster!"
This woman also would emotionally blackmail people by telling them
that they were going to kill her (because, if you upset her, she'd
drop dead from some rare syndrome she had decided she had).
But, I bet that HORRIBLE woman will live to be over 100. She
kept saying, "Don't upset me. I could die from it."
And, the dark thought came to my mind, "Well, I sure don't see
you dying!" The unfair thing was that she was always outrageously
upsetting everyone else, being incredibly rude, predatory, and aggressive
(like YOUR MIL!), but nobody could "upset" her or she'd
die. What a whack job. And, the thing was, she was always
talking about how dysfunctional and crazy everyone else was (then
you'd meet them, and they'd be lovely and just fine). I think
SHE was (IS) the whacked-out, crazy one. I have sympathy for
mental problems, but she is so full of malice that I just grew to
hate her. It broke my heart, because I wanted to love her.
RESPONSE: Vindictive DIL
Posted: 18-NOV-01
It sounds like your DH needs to learn how to set limits
with this woman, and to learn how to enforce them. First off,
go out and buy an answering machine. Screen your calls.
If your MIL calls and starts ranting into the machine, let the tape
deal with it. ONLY return her calls when she actually says something
worth responding to. Sit down with your DH and discuss how you're
going to handle your next visit to the IL's house. If he doesn't
already know, make sure he understands that his mother's behavior
upsets you greatly, and you want to help him deal with it. Her
behavior seems to be focused on HIM, not you, so, unfortunately, he's
going to have to deal with it. When she starts tearing into
him next, suggest he look her in the eye and say, very calmly, "I'm
sorry you feel that way. If having us here upsets you so much,
we'll go." Then, get up, grab your coats, and go home.
Repeat as necessary until she learns to behave like a civilized human.
The next time she threatens suicide, let her know, in no uncertain
terms, that if she really means it, you'll call the mental hospital
and have her taken in for observation. It sounds to me like
this woman has walked all over your husband, and his father, for his
whole life. It's going to be VERY hard for him to stand up to
her. Consider taking him to counseling to learn how to handle
her. If it turns out that your husband doesn't WANT to stand
up to his mother, let him know you'd like to support his decision,
but it's VERY difficult for you to watch her tear him apart.
And, you won't be going with him to visit until she can learn to behave.
Good luck, and let us know how things work out!
RESPONSE: Vindictive DIL
Posted: 19-NOV-01
Unfortunately, at the moment, you seem to be in a
no win situation. You love your DH dearly. Of course,
it hurts you to hear his mother degrade him. You want to stand
up for your man. You know how wonderful he is. You would
never let anyone, not even your own mother, ever put him down, right?
So why haven't you taken up for him with MIL? It would, at this
point, hurt him more for you to stand up to her than for him to take
the abuse. What he needs from you most right now is to be built
up. He has been abused all of his life. He would most
definitely have low self esteem. And, he is going with what
he has always known. He, obviously, doesn't get verbally abused
by you. And, with time and effort, he can learn to walk a little
taller. Eventually, he will see this for himself, and stand
up to her. This isn't something that is going to happen overnight.
He will do this over a period of years. Nobody likes to be abused.
And, through your love, he will see it. God Bless.
RESPONSE: Vindictive DIL
Posted: 23-NOV-01
I think that what you should do when SIL comes over
is to be as rude as they are to you, and don't make them feel welcome.
Don't offer them anything. And, most of all, this is your house,
and why should you have to leave just because of small minded people
Hopefully, they will stop coming around. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Vindictive DIL
Posted: 23-NOV-01
Are you secretly married to one of my FDH's brothers?
Your MIL and my future MIL could be the same person. They probably
even have the same screechy voice. My MIL doesn't b!tch about
marrying her husband, but that might only be because they still have
younger kids at home (SIL is 13). I can just see them divorcing
as soon as the youngest is out of the house. She makes FIL's
life a misery. Her children are afraid of her.
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Posted: 12-NOV-01
Oh, the things I can tell you about my first set of
in-laws. I married the baby of 10 kids - or so it seemed at
first glance. Actually, he had found out shortly before I met
him that his "oldest sister" was actually his mother, and
his "mother" was actually his grandmother. His grandmother
was pissed because he found out the truth (at age 24!) and still insisted
on being "mother". Let's see some of the things they
did during the almost 17 years we were married: 1) GMIL
told him that he should ask me to marry him so I could get him on
my insurance. She then called me at work to tell me he was going
to propose that night. 2) After my wedding (done at the
minister's house - very informal, very few guests at my insistence),
we returned to MIL/GMIL's house to find the family was throwing us
a "reception". My family was not invited. 3)
I realized a week after my wedding that this man was an alcoholic.
He had hidden this information well during our whirlwind romance,
and you can bet his family wasn't about to tell me. They liked
me, at first, because they thought I could keep him out of trouble.
I got pregnant 2 months after getting married (purposefully - I was
so young and naive! lol). And when I was six months pregnant,
I got a call late one night that he was in the hospital and that I
needed to get up there pronto. Well, it turns out that when
he was at a shady bar, he got stabbed, and they were doing emergency
surgery on him. Luckily, he lived through all this. But,
later that week I had to stop by MIL/GMIL's house to pick up some
laundry MIL had done for me (we didn't have a washer or dryer, and
I was spending all my time at the hospital with him). GMIL informed
me it was MY fault he was in that hospital because I wouldn't stop
him from going out! I asked her how I was supposed to stop him?
He stood a foot taller than me, weighed 100 pounds more than me, and
I was six months pregnant! I wasn't stupid enough to stand in
a door and tell him he couldn't go through it! GMIL would later
deny that she made this statement to me, right up until the day she
died. Later, one of the SIL's told me GMIL said she didn't say
that. I told her that GMIL was a liar. 4) When DS
was born, SIL stood at the nursery window and asked DH what we were
naming him. When he told her, she screeched the name out and
said it sounded like an old man's name. DH promptly came to
my room and told me he wanted to change the name, and I stupidly let
him. When DD was born, I told him that I didn't care if the
lady with the birth certificate had to stand between my legs when
that baby was born, *I* was going to name this one. And I did.
5) MIL would call many times every day. It was nothing
for her to call a dozen times a day for no reason. If I answered,
it was, "Let me talk to DS." She called so much that,
when I was on the midnight shift, I finally had to have the number
changed to an unlisted number. She would call, wake me up, and
then ask, "Did you just try to call? Someone called, and
I didn't get to the phone in time to answer it." 6)
When DS was born, all I heard was, "He looks just like his daddy."
Fast forward almost three years later to DD's birth. She looked
like he'd spit her out of his mouth. Suddenly, DS stopped getting
anything for his birthday. Sometimes he would not even a call
on the phone, which cost nothing. I raised he!! about this for
years. Finally, I told DH to tell his mother that the next time
DD got something and DS had been forgotten, I would put said gift
under the wheels of my car, run over it, box it up, and mail it back
to her. He knew I meant it, and crawled her butt about it.
Now, when I run into MIL somewhere, she asks about DD by name, but
usually won't even inquire about DS. If she does remember that
I have another child by her son, she says, "How is - um - oh
what's his name? Little X?" "Little X",
by the way, is 22 and stands 6'4". 7) Fast forward
a few more years to when we found out that DH had brain cancer.
He fought this battle for almost three years. During that time,
these people never once called and offered to come sit with him, bring
a meal over, take my kids for a few hours, NOTHING. Oh, they
didn't mind coming over right before mealtime to visit him.
Eventually, his illness got to the point where a decision had to be
made about his care. I called the SIL he had been closest to.
She did not work outside the home, her husband was deceased, and the
grandson she was raising was in school. She had experience at
sitting with patients, so I asked if she could help us out during
the day while I was at work and my kids were in school. I said
that I couldn't pay her by the hour, but I could give her some gas
money and feed her while she was there. I was trying to find
a way to keep from putting him in a nursing home. Here is her
response to me: "Well, you know I have a bad back, and
I don't know, but I just can't help him with his bathroom stuff."
What??? "No, I couldn't help him in the bathroom - he's
my brother. I wouldn't feel right doing that." My
jaw hit the floor. I mean, when someone is in that shape, it
is no longer a sexual thing, believe me. If my brother needed
me at a time like that, I could wipe his butt or bathe him!
Geezus. But, my day finally came. In one of his more lucid
moments, I told DH that he needed to tell his family that he was going
into the nursing home down the street from us. He said he would.
He said he DID tell them. Well, the poor thing couldn't handle
their wrath any more than I could at that point, I guess, because
the day after I put him in there, his mother called and said, "Let
me speak to DS." I told her where he was. She sucked
all the air out of the room, so I knew she hadn't been told.
The next day, my DD called me at work and said MIL had called her
and told her (my 11year old DD) that I was being a b!tch. I
nutted up. I called her, and asked if there was something she
had to say to me. She said, "No." I asked why
she called my house running me down to my child and calling me a b!tch.
She said, "I didn't call you that. I said you were showing
your @ss." I said, "Well let me tell you something,
old lady, you ain't seen anybody show their @Ss like I'm about to
do to you. I have 17 years of this sh!t to unload on you."
I proceeded to tell her that I had no choice but to put him in the
nursing home, because I had no help except for my mother who worked
full time also (and she would give me a day off on the weekends so
I could do my grocery shopping and spend a couple of hours with my
kids). And, her family hadn't helped me at all. I told
her they damn sure didn't mind coming to my house and wallowing their
fat @sses on my fresh made bed to visit him, but they never once called
and said, "We're coming over, can we bring a bucket of chicken?",
or offered to fold clothes while they sat there, or even offered to
help with the dishes after showing up every time at mealtime.
By the time I got through with her, she had changed her mind and decided
I was "showing my butt" (not @Ss any longer). LOL.
You cannot begin to imagine how good it felt to tell her this.
All those years I had bought into the family's pussyfooting around
her because of her "bad heart". When DH died, they
apparently all gathered at one of their houses because out of that
huge family of brothers, sisters, nieces, and nephews, etc., only
two family members showed up here at our home before the funeral.
Afterwards, one of those two, and one other, showed up for a little
while. None of them have darkened my door since, and it's been
6 years. The truly sad part of all this is that DH told me a
year before he died not to let them get to me. It is incredibly
sad that he had that on his mind at a time like that. It had
taken him so long to stand up to them, and he knew how they treated
me. Thank goodness I found a wonderful man and I'm married to
him now. I got two mothers-in-law with this one, too!
LOL. He's adopted - so we have his birth mom and his adoptive
mom. His adoptive mom can be a little overbearing, but DH puts
a stop to things very quickly. He is well aware of how she can
be, and she's too gracious to keep it up after he calls her hand on
it. She also lives 8 hours from us, which helps!
Signed - Glad To Be Rid
Of The Ex-ILs
RESPONSE: Glad To Be Rid Of The Ex-ILs
Posted: 19-NOV-01
You presented your story well. I was very touched.
I want to show your story to my DH so that he can see for himself
what MILs are like. But I can't, as I do not want him to know
about this site. If he knows about this site, then I will not
be able to post that freely over here. Best of luck to you.
RESPONSE: Glad To Be Rid Of The Ex-ILs
Posted: 21-NOV-01
Wow. You really went through a lot. You're
a brave woman, and you've suffered a lot. But you've gotten
through with it. Best of luck to you.
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Working Women Don't Have Wives