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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
Archives 12/30/01
<--Previous Archive
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Posted: 13-DEC-01
Please advise. My DH and I have been reasoning,
dealing with, praying, and hoping his mother will change for only
3 years. There has been no significant change in her behavior.
MIL ignores me, pretends I don't exist, makes snide remarks and treats
me like dirt. She is spreading horrid lies and rumors about
me too!!! Some people know, but not everyone "knows"
she's NUTZ. My husband and I have put in a lot of effort in
order to have any kind of relationship. I've reasoned with her
that she should "be nice" if for only one reason:
her son. I have been direct and I told her that I will not be
treated like this. Nothing works. Why can't these crazy
women just be reasonable? Doesn't a mother know that one day
the baby will grow up, get married, and live a life separate from
hers? All these problems - look at this site! All us DILs
can't be the problem. Why, all we've done is create happy marriages
for ourselves? I am going to be spending the remainder of my
lifetime as part of this family. I want to be able to look forward
to all the holidays and special occasions to come. I don't want
to be hurt and angry. It's the holidays. These are supposed
to be the good times, for goodness sake! As she is now just
thinking about herself, I feel like I'm going to throw up. It's
only been three years and I can't take her cr@p anymore. There
really is no describing being in the same room with her. What
a deliberately hurtful, evil and self serving witch.
Signed - How Can I Cope
RESPONSE: How Can I Cope
Posted: 23-DEV-01
Your DH and you need to cut off contact with her.
If she weren't a relative, would you tolerate her shabby treatment?
It's time to take care of yourself, because MIL isn't going to change.
RESPONSE: How Can I Cope
Posted: 23-DEV-01
Why are you giving your MIL all this power?
As long as you let the situation bother you, she has power over you.
If she is not a nice person, and your DH knows this, then don't spend
any time with her. Why are you insisting on having any kind
of relationship with her? I hope it is not for the sake of your
DH or your kids? You will just make yourself sad and angry,
and allow her to keep holding this power over you. Leave well
enough alone. Ignore her, and try to build a relationship with
the rest of the family.
RESPONSE: How Can I Cope
Posted: 23-DEV-01
Yikes, this sounds really terrible. I would
say to your husband that you won't spend the holidays with her.
Why should you subject yourself to such an awful person? Who
cares what she thinks, and if you are worried about what the relatives
will say, then too bad. Have they seen her behavior towards
you? Well, why do they accept it? If they do, then do
you really care what these people think? Don't spend any more
time with her until this lady comes to her senses. Why hurt
yourself?
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Posted: 11-DEC-01
My husband and I were together for three years before
we got engaged. I got along wonderfully with his mother, father
and sister. His sister even helped him plan the proposal, and
his mom helped him choose my engagement ring. I thought I was
the luckiest woman in the world - a wonderful man with a great family!
Imagine my surprise when everything changed when we got engaged.
I asked his 18 year old sister and my 14 year old sister to be bridesmaids.
My husband wanted three of his close pals to be in the wedding party.
When we told his sister who the groomsmen were going to be, she suggested
that her boyfriend of 6 months be in the wedding party. Since
my husband hardly knew her boyfriend, we thought she was kidding.
Nope. We only had 6 months to plan the wedding, and I got really
sick shortly after our engagement. SIL complained about everything
from the dresses to the fact that neither my husband nor I wanted
the bridesmaids to wear sandals. She b!tched and moaned the
whole time. Finally, I blew up and told her that it was "our
wedding, not hers". I thought things were fine, but of
course ---. My grandmother wanted to host brunch the day after
the wedding for all grandparents, parents and siblings of the bride
and groom. My MIL refused to invite her husband's mother and
her boyfriend because she has MIL issues. She then proceeded
to raise he!! 2 days before the wedding because SIL's boyfriend was
not included in the invitation to brunch. My mother was ticked
at this last complaint, but she said, "Fine, he could come."
My MIL's reaction was, "Too little, too late," and hung
up. The next day (less than 24 hours before the wedding), she
showed up at my parent's house. She refused to speak to my mother,
and yelled at my dad. Dad then had to ask my husband if he wanted
to marry me despite the fact that his mother was (at that point) refusing
to come to the wedding. He (obviously) told my dad that, no
matter what, we would get married the next day. MIL then said
his sister would not be a bridesmaid. In the end, SIL decided
to participate. She showed up at the rehearsal dinner, and neither
she nor my MIL spoke to anyone. They were complete b!tches that
night. And, in the morning, when SIL came to my parent's house
to get ready, she brought her mother. They only spoke to my
little sister. After getting their hair done, both left.
She returned 20 minutes before we had to be at the church. It
was at that point that I knew the wedding was still a go. My
SIL crossed the line before the wedding. We were friends before.
Since then, every time my husband and I try to mend the fences, she
goes nuts and keeps going further over the line, along with her mom.
Funnily enough, she told her mother (my MIL) that my MIL's dress at
the wedding (that my MIL picked out) "has no class."
My MIL forgave that, but can't forgive me for picking bridesmaid dresses
that her daughter also considered to "have no class".
Our families were friends before we got married. Now they hate
each other. My baby sister says that she will never get married,
because she doesn't ever want to deal with that stress again.
Some good did come out of the bad. My husband and I are closer
to my family now. In fact, he loves them, whereas before they
irritated him. We also have become more supportive of each other.
He was close to his family before (we both were), but it is hard to
maintain that now, since they try to make me cry every time we see
them. I had major surgery, and while I was in the hospital,
I asked my husband to visit them. His mother and sister spent
the whole visit telling him how evil I am. He shouldn't have
repeated that since it did hurt my recovery time. I just don't
understand them. I wish everything could go back to the way
it was, but I guess I'll have to wait 10 years. Maybe they'll
try and convince my husband that our children aren't really his when
the time comes. I put nothing past these people.
Signed - Emotional Wreck
RESPONSE: Emotional Wreck
Posted: 23-DEV-01
So are SIL and her BF still together? Anyway,
like I told someone else, you are not responsible for your DH's relationship
with his family. Stop encouraging him to interact with those
people. It sounds like it causes nothing but heartache.
If they want to talk to him, they will call. If he wants to
keep the lines of communication open, he can send them cards at birthdays/holidays
letting them know he is up to an open and honest communication about
family roles. Otherwise, stay out of it. Be thankful DH
sees them for what they are, stands by you, and is building a relationship
with your family.
RESPONSE: Emotional Wreck
Posted: 23-DEV-01
I, too, thought that if I waited 10 years, maybe things
would change. But, they have still not accepted me. Some
families just don't forgive, mine hasn't. They feel that blood
is thicker than water, and someday he will come crawling back to them
and beg their forgiveness for standing beside you. They are
the ones who feel betrayed, believe it or not. What has happened
to you is horrible. They have succeeded in ruining the best
time of your life - your wedding to a man that you love very much.
Don't let them ruin your whole life with this man. Just cherish
the fact that your loving DH stands beside you. We are all not
so lucky. If he does that, your marriage cannot be hurt by them.
Allow him to deal with them, and don't talk about them or make comments
about them. He already sees who they are. You are very
fortunate. Focus on how good you and DH are. And focus
on your family. If your DH is anything like mine, he is already
embarrassed about the way they have acted. If you say anything
about them, he may take it personally. Take Care.
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Posted: 11-DEC-01
My DH and I have been through the mill with MIL.
My problem is that my MIL crossed that line where I demanded that
DH stand beside me, but he is shady about it. First he writes
his mother (great thing) telling her how he was so displeased and
that if she can't respect me and what we have, then she will be distanced.
He told her in the end of letter that if she didn't call to discuss
it with him that night, then he knew the answers he needed to know
from her. She didn't call to discuss it. Instead, she
emailed the letter to her daughter, who in turn emailed DH.
It was all about family loyalty. It was about him not being
the loyal son/grandson he promised his dead grandfather to be because
he was too busy being loyal to me. For the record, for 10 years,
my DH has not been busy being loyal to me at all. He has allowed
his family to trample all over me for the sake of his family loyalty.
He wrote her back in this long letter. All it did was defend
how he is loyal to his family (them) and can't do it as much as he
used to (taking care of their homes) because of work, and how much
he does love his family (them). He didn't discuss he and I.
He didn't talk about how much he loved me and that is why he emailed
his mother. He just defended his place in his family (again,
them). His mother emailed him as well with a lot of lies.
She claimed that if she'd done anything, she'd be woman enough to
apologize (but she didn't). She then accused me of being all
wrong. Guess What? He fell hard. He has not been
sticking up for me since he claims that you don't just exile your
family. I feel BETRAYED. I didn't ask him to exile his
family. I asked for him to stand beside me, his wife, for once
(especially in light of the things that had happened - she told me
off. She called a week later. In his little boy voice,
he asked her, "Why don't you want to talk to me?")
What am I supposed to do now? I am at a loss. My heart
and trust are broken. Please respond.
Signed - Wah Wah Mommie
RESPONSE: Wah Wah Mommie
Posted: 23-DEV-01
Get out of this now. No amount of counseling
is going to change him. It will be hard to do, but in the long
run I think it is your only option. Bottom line - you will be
on an emotional roller coaster for the rest of your life if you stay
with him. Do you want that?
RESPONSE: Wah Wah Mommie
Posted: 23-DEV-01
You are not responsible for your DH's relationship
with his family. Also, I don't know what started this, but it
sounds like you may have pushed your DH into something he was not
ready to do. Right idea, just a tad too early. My suggestion
is to go to counseling. Get him the tools he needs to stand
up like a man to his family. He is up the creek, and now he
needs the right paddle to get him the rest of the way. Good
Luck.
RESPONSE: Wah Wah Mommie
Posted: 23-DEV-01
I would suggest individual counseling for your husband
and you, at first. Later, when he is ready, then try joint counseling
for both of you. It may take years, and it may or may not work.
It all depends on how much you want to make it work, and what is at
stake. I am in the same situation as you. If I did not
have kids, I wouldn't try to work around his sick family's dynamics.
These men are sick, sick, sick. They are like two year olds
who want to be at the center of the universe. Their families
provide them with that feeling at great cost. Sticking up for
one's wife requires that one be an adult and a man. Unfortunately,
your DH and mine are not adult men. See if counseling does any
good. As far as MIL is concerned, forget about getting her to
admit she has wronged you or her son. I don't think the counselor
has been born yet to work through her defenses. You or your
marriage would be long dead by the time psychotherapy worked on her.
RESPONSE: Wah Wah Mommie
Posted: 23-DEV-01
What a jerk your husband is. I would "withhold"
(you know what I mean!) until he sticks up for you. Seriously,
you might suggest counseling to him for the sake of your marriage.
It doesn't seem like he has his priorities in the right place, due
to the brainwashing from his mother and sister. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Wah Wah Mommie
Posted: 23-DEV-01
You and your H need counseling right away. If
he won't go with you, you need to go alone and start making some serious
decisions about your future with your H. This is no way to live.
Your H has some serious growing up to do. If he won't listen
to you, a neutral third party, like a therapist, may be able to help
him open his eyes. I suggest you tell him you expect him to
go with you and work on the marriage, regardless of what is said or
done between him and his family. I don't know what else to tell
you. Your marriage will not survive if your H does not start
putting his wife first. Good luck to you.
RESPONSE: Wah Wah Mommie
Posted: 23-DEV-01
Find a professional counselor, and inform your husband
that if he wants to save your marriage, he will attend sessions with
you. Period. End of sentence. Your husband needs
a wake-up call, and fast.
RESPONSE: Wah Wah Mommie
Posted: 23-DEV-01
It sounds like DH has issues. He's got to realize
that YOU are now his family. He doesn't have a choice of who
his mother is, but he chose you out of free will to start a NEW FAMILY
with. Tell him to give his soother back to his mother and start
acting like a man.
RESPONSE: Wah Wah Mommie
Posted: 23-DEV-01
Get real. All you need to do is start with WWIII.
Don't give him food, clean clothes, and love. And, even kick
him out if you can. You don't live with your DH, you live with
all of DH's family as well.
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Posted: 23-DEC-01
This is not about a gift, but breast-feeding.
My MIL breast-fed DH for almost 3 years. She stayed with us
for almost a year when our daughter was born. When my daughter
started eating solids, she would constantly try to overfeed her.
Whenever I tried to intervene, she would say, in front of my FIL,
"I have to feed the poor baby since your breast-milk has no life,
it is just water." I wonder how the witch knew what my
breast-milk was like. I always got the feeling that she would
have used her own breasts to feed my baby, as no one else is supposedly
good enough to nurture a life. She is no longer a part of mine
or my kids' lives.
Signed - Water Under The
Bridge
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Posted: 23-DEC-01
I have only been married less than a year, and I can
already write a book. My MIL made me cry through every step
of my wedding. I thought that after the wedding she would lighten
up, because I would not have to plan any thing with her like that
again. Now, the holidays are here! This is getting scarier!
Everyone warned me, "You also marry the family!" Sometimes
I really wish I would have thought about that a little bit more.
This lady does not have any friends, has been divorced 3 times, and
tells me how I should do things! But, I am a very passive person.
I hold everything in, and now I am ready to explode! I never
thought anyone could do this to me! My husband and I fight about
it all the time. He knows that his mother is a witch, but, after
one of her outbursts, it only takes a couple of days and he is fine
with her again. Well, I have never been treated so badly in
my life, and I refuse to be treated this way. I tell him that
all the time! He says that I just am too sensitive, and I should
not let it get to me so much (because he has been dealing with it
his whole life). Well, come on, a person can only take so much.
I mean, really. The day the girls in my wedding party and I
went to get our dresses, she told one of my bridesmaids that she looked
flat in the dress. She told another that she looked hippy, and
another that she looked fat. I was crying my eyes out!
Then, she and my mother got into it, because she told me that that
she does not like the dress, and that, even though my husband wants
to give me everything on my wedding day, he is not going to.
Also, she said that I can not have what I want! First of all,
I never even said a word the whole time. We were just picking
out my dresses. Then, my mother told her that I can have any
dress I want (it was because MIL wanted me to get dresses that showed
the girls stomachs). Come on, I was being married in a church.
This is only one of the things she has done. She was complaining
the whole time that her family, who were flying in, were not to sit
in the back of the hall. Well, most of her family did not show
up anyway. But, so much stuff was going on, and I was crying
all the time. My mom and dad sat in the middle of the room because
we were so sick of dealing with her. My dad was so mad!
And, her family (the ones that did come) sat up front, and most of
them left early anyway. There were so many things that she did
to me. But, if I continue to write them down, we would be here
forever. Now, it is the holidays, and she starting again.
I do not want to be around this anymore. It is killing our relationship.
Right now, my husband and I are always fighting about her, and I cannot
take the abuse anymore. So, my advice, if you and your MIL do
not get along, is to really think about what you are doing.
You can't pick your family, but you can pick your husband!
Signed - I Cannot Take
The Abuse Anymore
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Posted: 23-DEC-01
My MIL lives close by. Her life revolves around
our schedules. She is very attention seeking, and wants to be
a social butterfly . My MIL is offended when we don't invite
her to our weekend activities with the kids. How do I politely
tell her to give us space? She never visited my SIL and family
this much. Now, I know why they don't come up on weekends anymore.
Can I ask her to spend every other Saturday with us and the other
ones with SIL? I think she is trying to live her parenthood
over again, and it takes away my bonding with my 3 preteens.
She will be going south for a winter break. Should we talk to
her before, or after?
Signed - Fed Up - Give
Us Space
RESPONSE: Fed Up - Give Us Space
Posted: 9-JAN-02
The more loving adults your preteen children have
in their lives, the better. Children who have loving adults
around them, paying attention to them, and interacting with them,
are better able to say "NO" to drug use, early sexual experience,
and other undesirable behaviors. Be glad that your children's
grandma wants to "hang around". Have her take turns
spending time with each child, taking one to a movie one day, another
one to the park, shopping, or to a museum another day. This
will free you up to spend more one-on-one time with the other ones.
Give her a job to do and she'll probably gladly do it. Maybe
have them and grandma do a project together - building a model, cooking
something for the family, making a gift, helping out at a homeless
shelter, knitting baby booties for orphanages, whatever. Be
glad you have another adult around that LOVES your children.
Overlook the petty stuff, and focus on the good stuff.
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Posted: 19-NOV-01
I am so sick of my MIL and SIL I don't know where
to begin. I will start with my MIL. My MIL feels it's
her duty to "help" me be a better mother and wife.
Because of this, I am forced to listen to her very unwanted advice
and opinions. She insists on my child calling her "mom"
against my wishes. Just tonight, she said to my three year old
son, "Come, give mom a hug." I corrected her and said,
"You mean 'grandma'." Of course, she did not like
it, and she just looked at me coldly and said nothing. I felt
so good that I finally said something to her. I know this will
not change who she is. But, for some reason, when I spoke up
I felt good. My DH is very close to his family, so I have to
suffer. By that, I mean, he always wants "us" to visit
them (they live about 5 miles away from us). Any vacation we
take is with them. As a matter of fact, my MIL is in the process
of planning a trip to Disney for the entire family. I do not
want to go. I wish we could have a family of our own without
my DH's parents. My MIL has no respect for me as a mother and
wife. She watches my son (this is what my DH wants), and changes
any outfit I put on him, and does my laundry against my will.
I could go on forever about my MIL, but let's move on to my SIL.
When my SIL was pregnant (she now has a 4 month old son), she told
me that her unborn son will be better behaved than my son, because
she will be a better mother. And, she said that I am not a good
mother because I have job. MY SIL's husband is jobless and is
very lazy. Right now, they are depending on family members to
pay their rent, etc. Of course, my SIL refuses to work, because
she feels it's the man's responsibility to work. In other words,
a woman's place is at home. I am not being judgmental of my
SIL and her husband, I just want to know why, with the problems she
has in her life, can't she concentrate on getting her life together
and leave me alone. Of course, my DH feels I am being too sensitive.
Am I?
Signed - Just Want To Get
Away
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 03-DEV-01
You are not being too sensitive at all. You
have every right to be upset. I think, as I am sure many respondents
will say, that your husband is the problem here. If husbands
like him want to stay within the niche of their families, then I wonder
why they choose to get married after all and put their wives through
this ordeal. My husband is the same way. He is a very
nice person, who would not hurt anyone, and who likes to please.
His sister and mother take advantage of that, and think they can get
away with intruding on our privacy. His annoying sister does
not fail to remind me over the phone that, "we are very 'close'
to him. And because you are his wife, we want to get to know
you." So, they insist that I call them often. And,
when I do, I get to hear all kinds of implicit verbal abuse.
Or, his mother outright interrupts me in the middle of the conversation,
and says that she has to go. Is this not sick?
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 03-DEV-01
You need to stop, take a deep breath, and decide that,
once and for all, you are a grown-up and entitled to lead your own
life. You need to sit your husband down and explain that this
is not the way your are going to live your life. You can begin
with the holidays. Sit with your husband and children and decide
how YOU ALL would like the holidays to be. Do you want to buy
a present for everyone in the family, or do you wish to start a new
tradition? Do you want to have Christmas at home and see his
family that eve on your turf? Then do it. You have only
one life to lead and only one time that your children will be small.
Quit letting others push you around. Set your limits, set your
terms, be nice, be respectful, and begin to realize a life lived fully.
Signature: A Friend.
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 03-DEV-01
You sound depressed, and you sound as if you have
no control in your life. I think you need to speak to your DH
about setting new boundaries with your ILs. If he doesn't agree,
then the two of you need counseling. If you don't get the new
boundaries, or if you don't get counseling, then I think you may be
on the path of getting a divorce. I hope not. But, it
does sound like, without intervention, you'll be getting a divorce
in a few years. I, too, have a SIL like yours. She has
two kids older than mine (3 total), and she thinks she is a better
mom than I am. I don't smoke in small places with my kids (I
don't smoke), and I hold my children (some things SIL doesn't do much).
My 16 month old is better at obeying and sharing then her 2 year old.
My advice to you is that, if you don't feel like fighting back, ignore
her. When she gives you advice, or tells you she is better,
change the subject, and make it obvious that you will not be continuing
with the current conversation.
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 03-DEV-01
You are not being too sensitive! Your SIL sounds
like a spoiled brat, who has no business bringing a child into this
world when she and her dead-@Ss husband can't even support it!
As for your MIL, she is too involved in your lives, and I blame your
DH for that. It is time he realized that you (and he) are in
charge of your own household, and his mother gets no say whatsoever!
Tell him you want your MIL to stay out of your business, and you expect
him to back you up. If he cannot do this, then I strongly suggest
marital counseling. There are three people in your marriage
right now, and this is just wrong! Good luck!
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 04-DEV-01
I think you need to start ignoring your DH, MIL, and
SIL when it comes to you and your kid. What right does she have
to insist that your son call her mom? You don't have to let
her watch him, and you don't have to let her in your house.
I'd change the locks, and not even give DH a key. Make him dependent
on your good graces to get in the door. As for your lazy@Ss
SIL, I'd ignore her - what does she know? She's just another
welfare queen, and she'll never be anything more than that her entire
life, because she won't get up off her butt and get a job. And,
neither will her husband. She and her mother, your MIL, are
jealous of you. They need to get a life. And, your DH
needs to grow some balls and be a husband and father, without including
them in everything. I think things need to swing the other way
and revolve around what YOU want. Screw DH. He obviously
doesn't care about being a family without his precious mommy.
Well, that is what being a family is all about - not depending on
mommy and daddy anymore, but being mommy and daddy yourselves.
Your son will grow up to not respect your DH, because he lets his
mother walk all over you. You might want to point out to DH
that if he continues allowing his mother to run things, his own son
will look at him and see a pantywaist mamma's boy. I can guarantee
this will happen. I've seen it often enough in my own family.
Men like your DH irritate me, precisely because they are not men.
They are little boys hiding behind mommy's skirts so that they don't
have to grow up and be husbands and fathers.
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 06-DEV-01
You're not too sensitive. Your situation sounds
horrible, and your husband sounds like a jerk. The only thing
I can suggest is that you continue to speak up when you feel you need
to. There's something about a MIL that wants to be called "mom"
by grandchildren that just turns my stomach. She's trying to
steal your children, and your husband is helping her. See if
you can get your husband to go to counseling with you so he can see
how abnormal this all is. Best wishes.
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 11-DEV-01
I don't feel you are being too sensitive. MIL
and SIL sound very rude, to say the least. However, I feel your
first problem is your DH. You need to get him to stand with
you as a couple, and quit just being the son his mother wants.
Why did DH get to decide that MIL is to watch your son when she treats
you the way she does? You both work, you both are DS's parents.
I wouldn't care if DH wanted it that way - I would do what is best
for DS and our family. Demanding that her grandson call her
"mom" is NOT best for your son or for you, so it is not
best for your family. I could see if MIL wanted to be called
Nana or Granny rather than Grandma, but to expect your child to call
her "Mom"?? That causes a sick feeling in the pit
of my stomach just reading about it. Your husband thinks that
is normal? He thinks you are being too sensitive? How
would he like it if your son called the postman "Dad"?
I feel for you both - but especially for your DH You need to
back up and ask yourself: If MIL and SIL weren't "family"
would you put up with this behavior? If MIL was, say, just a
neighbor and she insisted your son call her "Mom" and her
DH "Dad" - would you tolerate it? Remove the "relative"
connection and check to see if her behavior seems normal. WHY
do you have to vacation only with the in-laws? Does DH have
more fun with his mama and sister along than just with you and your
son? Is MIL demanding this and DH caving in? 1)
I feel your family (DH, you, and DS) need some "family time"
on vacation without any other relatives. 2) I wouldn't
go anywhere with them until they learn to start treating you with
respect. 3) I wouldn't go with MIL and SIL until DH is
standing with you on some important issues. You definitely have
a tough row to hoe. But, it is tougher because your DH is fighting
you instead of standing next to you as a husband. And, I don't
think it is going to get any better on its own. Have you considered
seeing a counselor? A counselor could steer you in the right
direction as you try to deal with this. I would recommend it.
And, I recommend that you come over to the message boards. You
can get quicker responses to your questions and complaints and some
good support. Please consider it.
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 11-DEV-01
No. They sound like inconsiderate @ssholes,
and I don't think you should tolerate that for a minute. I'm
getting confused here: How could there possibly be so many men
in the world who don't care enough about their wives to stand up for
them? Did their mothers slice off their genitalia when they
were very young? If my mother EVER acted toward my wife the
way these people do, I wouldn't put up with it for a second.
Hell, if I even SUSPECT my family is making my wife feel slighted,
I ask her about it and act accordingly. Geez.
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 11-DEV-01
I have much pity for you. My SIL also depends
on the entire family to support her and her many children, as her
husband is always getting arrested and fired, and she is always "borrowing"
(that means to never pay back) things and money from all of us (even
people that are not family). At one time, she was working, and
borrowed a large sum of money from her employer to bail her husband
out of jail. And, then she quit so she wouldn't have to pay
him back. You have every right to feel the way you do!
I wish you much luck with these people in the future. You just
may need to pack up and move away from the whole lot!
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 22-DEV-01
I am not a mother (and with my mother-in-law, I'm
kind of glad at this point), but I want to encourage you to continue
to behave as you did when you corrected her. She is NOT your
child's mother, and for her to ask your child to call her "mom"
is simply disgusting. I wish someone could really explain to
me, once and for all, so that I can understand it: Why do these
women behave this way? What are they getting out of it?
Why are they in competition with their DILs? I've posted here
before and explained my MIL's atrocious behavior, so I won't go into
it again. But I'm really curious. In my case, both my husband
and my MIL have told me, again and again, how wonderful a mother she
was, and how she would just die for her children - blah, blah, blah.
If that's the case, how could anyone threaten her? I love my
husband very much and he comes first in my life (next to God), and
my love for him is nothing like the love I feel for my mother or my
sister or brother. I love them differently, obviously.
All I'm trying to say is these loves don't compete with each other.
In the posts I've read here, for the most part, these MILs see themselves
as "good" mothers who "love their sons", but their
actions are uniformly destructive. Why?
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 22-DEV-01
You have got to get more control of the situation.
I have very bad problems with my MIL and SIL. My SIL is a very
unattractive, surly person, and has always been jealous of me.
My husband does not particularly care for her, and it drives her crazy.
This is a huge problem to my MIL, and she will take my SIL's side
over mine, and my husband over anything. There is nothing worse
than being tag-teamed by two women who are jealous of your relationship
with their son/brother. My husband does enough with them to
appease them, but we don't see them more than once or twice a month
(they live in our neighborhood). This is much better than it
was before I put my foot down and refused to do whatever they wanted
just because they screamed and cried and tried to guilt trip my husband.
The only person who can fix the relationship is your husband.
Tell him to handle his mother and sister, and that you want to take
vacations without them.
RESPONSE: Just Want To Get Away
Posted: 9-JAN-02
Let me get this straight: Your MIL comes and
does your laundry, and you don't like that? Why don't you have
her scrub your toilet too? I pay a housekeeper $25.00 an hour
to do that stuff. And, it sounds like you're getting the help
for free! Lighten up, and let her wash your clothes, dress your
husband (is he a paraplegic?), and whatever. Sit back and enjoy
your spare time while your MIL does the housework. Have her
cook dinner and pay the bills while she's at it, since she thinks
she's so much better than you. Laugh all the way to the bank
and shopping mall as you count your money and enjoy your spare time!!!
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Posted: 18-NOV-01
My MIL is like no other I have ever read about or heard
about. I am so tired of pleasing her that I feel just exhausted
over this whole mess. She is the hardest person to get close
to. We have been married for 9 years, and the MIL relationship
never gets better. She is a woman who claims to be an awesome
Christian. Everyone who knows her outside of the family would
describe her as such. I am a Christian, and would never treat
or disrespect her in the way she does me. She comes to visit
only when I invite her, and then doesn't speak the whole time while
her nose is up in the air. My husband supports me 100%, and
just tells me not to talk to her anymore. It breaks my heart
for her (as a mother myself) to just cut her off. My husband
can, but it isn't so easy for me. I am the only one who keeps
up our relationship, because she and her husband adore my children
and the children love them, too. They are just plain mean to
me, and without me they have nothing. I know they have a problem
with the way I raise my children. I love my babies, and at night
I like them to be in their own house and beds. They are so mad
at me that I don't allow them to stay overnight that it has become
a huge problem. I will let them visit once or twice a week all
day, but not overnight. This is not enough for them. I
include them in just about everything we do. It is still not
enough. They make snide remarks to me and my children, that
they never get to spend time with them because of the way that I am.
If it weren't for me, they wouldn't see them at all. Well, last
week I stopped. I stopped my phone calls to them and didn't
invite them over. Needless to say, now things are really bad.
I am so upset, but not as upset as I am when I hang up that phone
to that cold person on the other side. I need advice.
I just found this site. Please help.
Signed - Trying To Keep
Peace
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 01-DEC-01
Your husband needs to intervene and tell his parents,
calmly and lovingly, that while you both want your kids to continue
to have a strong and loving relationship with them, they need to respect
and accept the decisions you make regarding your children (including
that, for now at least, they will not be spending the night away from
your home). He also needs to tell them that they need to treat
both of you courteously and with respect, which includes not making
disparaging or critical remarks about you to your children.
He shouldn't make any threats, as that will just provoke a defensive
reaction. But, the implication needs to be there, that if they
can't behave themselves and stop their bad behavior, their access
to your children will be limited. Good luck.
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 02-DEV-01
I think you have done all you can with these people,
and the ball is in their court now. You have been more than
gracious with them, and they continue to treat you like dirt.
Now, they are making their snide comments in front of your children.
You do not want your children subjected to this behavior, and you
certainly do not deserve to be treated so disrespectfully. Your
MIL needs to go look up the new testament and read about what Jesus
was all about, because she is about as Christian as Hitler!
I think you should take your DH's advice, and move on without these
nasty people. If they confront you, tell them you will no longer
accept their disrespect and shoddy treatment, and you will not allow
anyone to abuse you in front of your children. Whether or not
they decide to change, their behavior is out of your control.
But, you do not have to stick around and take their cr@p! Good
luck!
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 03-DEV-01
IMHO, you are now on the right track. I am a
firm believer in the rule that the in-laws (either side) must treat
the H and W with respect in front of (and to) the grandchildren or
they don't see or talk to the grandchildren. The adults in the
situation - the in-laws and the H and W - are all supposedly adults
who are capable of being mature enough to behave and talk civilly
out of love and concern for those children. Ask yourself this
question: If this were anyone else - if it weren't your children's
grandparents - would you let such people be around your children?
If MIL was simply an acquaintance, would you tolerate how she talks
to you and the example she is showing to your kids? I would
hope not. Your DH is right. He has known his mother a
lot longer, and he says to cut her off. I know it is not easy.
It took me years to come to that conclusion about my own MIL.
But, it reached the point that I would rather explain to my child
some day why I cut her out of his life than why I kept her IN his
life. Being a biological grandmother doesn't make you a grandma.
There are plenty of folks around who would love to be in your and
your children's lives. Don't keep wasting time trying to keep
this toxic person in your children's lives. I met a couple in
their 60's about 2 1/2 years ago. And, my son now calls them
granny and grampy. He doesn't even remember MIL. He's
better off. I don't want him to grow up to be like her.
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 03-DEV-01
I really feel for you. Please stop feeling guilty!!
Your DH is right. You should stop trying. In fact, if
she's mean to you, don't take her calls. Let your DH deal with
her. You have every right to decide (with your DH) on the best
way to raise your children. It sounds like you have been more
than generous, putting up with being trampled on for the sake of "faammily".
Look at it this way - you are doing the best thing for your kids by
not allowing this woman to treat you this way. I think your
DH needs to tell her that he will not allow this to continue and that
she must shape up and treat his wife (and the mother of his children)
with respect or she will not have contact with "his" (him,
wife, children) family, period.
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 03-DEV-01
Ask your DH to speak up. If that doesn't work,
and the snide remarks about you, especially to the children, continue
it isn't good. A good grandparent would never allow the grandchildren
to get involved. And, most certainly, they would not try to
create tension between mommy and grandma. I am glad that, otherwise,
she and your children have a good relationship. And, for that
reason, I wonder if I wouldn't talk to DH first and ask him to talk
with them. I really hope that things work out. I, first
hand, understand your feeling of desperation. God Bless.
I wish your family peace.
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 03-DEV-01
I think your DH is right. You should just let
it go. Pray about it, and speak to your pastor. I think
you are giving too much power to your MIL. Let it go, and you
will take away some of her power.
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 09-DEV-01
Why don't you post on the Message Board? You
can give us more background and you can get faster interaction and
response. How old are your children? Are you feeling responsible
for your husband's (lack of) relationship with his parents?
I can relate to this. Don't take on that responsibility.
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 09-DEV-01
Here's the scenario. You give, they take, and
then they spit in your face. Do you want that the rest of your
life? Stop the visits, calls and giving. The kids don't
need the tug-of-war. Your husband doesn't want to live in a
war zone, and your MIL is not trying even 1% to open her heart or
life to you. Why keep hitting your head against a brick wall?
Fighting isn't Christian, bad feelings and tension isn't Christian.
So, accept that it is not to be, at least not now. Then, enjoy
your kids and family, and maybe she will change. If she doesn't,
then you will at least have a more peaceful, loving home life.
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 09-DEV-01
WOW! We really have almost identical situations
(but I don't have kids). DH is behind me 100% too. DH
and I had been keeping the peace. I've just been married 1 year
and 3 weeks. I have known DH for 3 years. I only "kept
the peace" for 2 years! You have been treated like this
for 9 years, and you have suffered a lot. I know how painful
this is. I've never had my MIL over! I expect that she'd
treat me the same as she did in her own house. She'd ignore
me, and stick her nose up in the air - you know, the complete rejection
thing. If I had her over to my house and she treated me like
that, I would have to throw her out. I'm not going to put up
with this, nor is my husband. So, I don't have her over, because
I'm certain I would have had to tell her to leave. In her mind,
this would validate her position, and she could then freely label
me as the problem. DH and I have told her she must be civil.
It's her choice, and her loss (if she wants to hate me for any reason,
no matter how ridiculous). There is nothing wrong with telling
her exactly what is offensive, and that you will not tolerate it!
Your conversation should be firm, controlled, and clear. You
must communicate your position in a good tone. You will then
have taken the "high road", demonstrating real Christian
values too! At that time, we also stopped speaking to MIL until
she complied. She didn't speak to us for eight months - it was
resistance (or she wasn't ready to change yet). But, she did
alter her behavior! This was an on going situation for 1 year
before we married, and another 4 months after. We had several
conversations prior to deciding not to speak to her. After trying
to "keep the peace", this was a last ditch effort.
It's really horrid to cut family out of your life. It's not
healthy. In the end, we did this for self preservation.
I think this was just the motivation she needed. She was experiencing
the consequences of her actions. She is desperately unhappy
too, but she loves her son. She had to change because we wouldn't
tolerate her cr@p anymore. She is polite, cordial, and she treats
me with the respect due any human being! She smiles and smiles
some more! I'm not saying things are all OK, she still hates
me. I just think, "Go for it lady. Knock yourself
out." She can feel and think anything she wants, but her
actions are a different matter. It's REALLY hard not to take
her personally. We stopped doing everything just to keep peace.
And, we thank God we did. I was speaking to a friend at work.
She told me that her MIL comes over to her house and criticizes everything
(while she sits in a chair with her arms crossed, her nose in the
air, and an angry expression on her face). This has gone on
for 22 years!!! Take action. Stop hoping she will miraculously
change. We know we have been blessed. I was stunned that
she'd change her behavior. For me, personally, I looked at it
positively either way. 1. I got rid of her and her cr@p.
2. I didn't have her cr@p to put up with. Not speaking
to MIL was difficult and painful for everyone, and we are just now
seeing results. I might even have her over one day. It's
our part in being civil and taking the high road. Signed:
Now There is Peace, No Longer Negotiating.
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 09-DEV-01
Stop trying to please them. They are using you
for a doormat. It's time they learned that you are a good person
(I don't know many people who would let their children spend two whole
days a week with their grandparents, especially on this board!).
You don't want your kids to be around people who treat you so poorly.
It will send the wrong message. Stop trying to keep the peace
with people who are mean. And, thank God that your husband is
supportive of you where they are concerned. Not many of us are
so fortunate. Best wishes to you.
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 09-DEV-01
Having suffered similar, yet much worse, from my MIL,
my advice, and that of my husband, is for you and your husband to
become a (joint) force to be reckoned with. Banish them from
your lives until they can treat you with the respect you deserve.
We banished his mother 3 years ago, and she still tries, on an almost
monthly basis, to start her sh!t with us. YOU MUST BE TOTALLY
TOGETHER ON THIS, OR IT WILL NEVER WORK! Once they (hopefully)
get the point, you can (maybe) all try to get along. If not,
enjoy your happy, peaceful lives together without them! PEACE
AND LUCK TO YOU BOTH
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 09-DEV-01
I sure do hear you. I have posted here before,
and your MIL sounds identical to mine. I wonder if you are my
SIL (MIL's other DIL), because mine did the same with our children,
and my husband was finished with the whole deal a long time ago.
I just wish MILs could just let us raise our families, and back off!
They get more when they don't nag so much. You did the right
thing. Leave it in their hands. If they want to see you
all, they can call and ask you over. Or, they can ask if they
can come over. You have done enough! God Bless!
RESPONSE: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 09-DEV-01
I totally agree with the first respondent! It
seems like they're really taking you for granted with you doing all
the work. I think you haven't done one thing wrong by stopping
inviting them over. How could you continue to reinforce their
(her) awful behavior? I'm upset FOR you when I read your post.
RESPONSE From Poster: Trying To Keep Peace
Posted: 09-DEV-01
To that first respondent to my story: I think
you answered the wrong story. Your response doesn't make any
sense to me.
(editor's note: Entirely our fault. Posted several responses
to this thread incorrectly - sorry. We have corrected it, so
first respondent is now valid. Thanks to all who pointed it
out to us.)
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Posted: 10-DEC-01
My dear SIL and MIL are just to much. I can't
understand them anymore. Are they mad? Crazy? Or
just plain abusive? I just don't know. My DW is a school
teacher, and I am a senior programmer with a very nice income.
But nooooo, that is not enough! No way. Example:
Two months ago I showed my SIL and MIL my hand crafted flexyrach (shelves)
and home-cinema system, which I am (or was) very proud of. They
asked, "Is that the best you can do?" I said, "No,
but the best is $5,000 more." Twenty four hours later,
I came into my home, and the aforementioned equipment was there!
The state of the art equipment - the cutting edge of electronic entertainment
- was there. My "old" equipment was in the corner,
packed and ready to go. It was with my wife's car, and with
the kitchen set (pots, dishes, you name it). At first, I can
assure you, it was funny and very comfortable. But, now, I feel
as if my manhood was thrown away, and I am nothing. I can't
support my own family. The darnedest thing is that, when I called
them and told them the $2,000 guitar was not needed, they just snickered
and said, "Well, if you return it now, you won't have another
like this for the next 20 years or so." And they were right!!
They are sooooooo right!
Signed - They Are Sooooooo
Right!
RESPONSE: They Are Sooooooo Right!
Posted: 22-DEC-01
Why did your wife allow this to happen? Was she
unhappy with what you provided? Who do they think you are?
My husband would be so resentful if I did the same thing. You
were proud of it. You should have made them return everything.
What snobs they are! You really shouldn't have accepted it for
you and your manhood!
RESPONSE: They Are Sooooooo Right!
Posted: 9-JAN-02
Why don't you tell them that your wardrobe is inadequate,
your car is falling apart, and you need a new 4000 sq. ft. house too!
If they're so willing to give, why not just take what they are offering?
And, while they're at it, have them set up a college trust fund for
the grandchildren, and fund your IRA. I don't understand people
who aren't grateful when people try to give them something.
Sure, they probably think strings are attached, but the ball is in
your court. What could they possible want from you? A
little bit of your time? You have to see them on holidays anyway.
Be nice, then, and enjoy all your new toys, new home, new wardrobe,
new car and new guitar - compliments of the old in-laws!
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Posted: 10-DEC-01
I have to comment on the hugging controversy.
My MIL used to hug me and try to kiss me on the lips! Eeeewwww!
So, one day she came at me with her lips all ready. I stepped
back and told her that I really didn't like hugging and kissing her.
She asked me why. Was I afraid she would make me sick?
Okay, I practiced some discretion here. I didn't tell her that
she makes me sick on a daily basis! I thought I was out of the
woods until my SIL called and asked if it was true. Did I assault
my MIL? Did I POKE HER IN THE CHEST AND PUSH HER BACK?
Again, I say, Eeeewwww! Like, I would touch her chest on purpose?
I don't think so. So, to the huggy responder: That's great
that you like the hugs. To the one who doesn't allow MIL hugs:
Right on sister!
Signed - To Hug Or Not
To Hug The MIL
RESPONSE: To Hug Or Not To Hug The MIL
Posted: 22-DEC-01
I agree 1,000% with you non-MIL huggers! My MIL
is a short, fat, smelly, sweaty bag with disgustingly long nails,
hair on her face, and some kind of wart near her lips. Eeww!
When I first started dating my husband, I used to cringe every time
she approached me with puckered lips. Now, after three years
of marriage, I absolutely refuse to let this pig touch or kiss me
anywhere! However, I will kiss and hug MIL's sister, because
she practices personal hygiene. Gee, I wonder if my MIL will
ever pick up on this little hint? My guess: Probably not.
My next goal is to figure out how to keep her disgusting face and
hands away from my future children! That'll be a challenge!
RESPONSE: To Hug Or Not To Hug
The MIL
Posted: 22-DEC-01
I agree about the hugs. They make me feel very
uncomfortable, and I avoid them at all costs. But, out of kindness,
I do hug her back. If it makes our relationship better, then
so be it.
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Posted: 18-NOV-01
My soon to be MIL brought me a pair of polyester pants
with an elastic waistband. This gift would be perfect if I was
in my 60's, but I am only 23 years old. She once had a key to
my house, and I changed the damn locks. She found out about
a month and a half ago, and she has asked for a key 4 times.
Will she get one? Hell no. She has no business in my house
when I am not there, especially when she is dropping off milk, cereal,
or something else that I am capable of buying myself. She drives
me crazy. The most recent act of b!tchiness was my wedding announcements.
She changed the wording around. She did not even tell or ask
what I thought. Luckily, the lady who is printing them called.
I told her that they were my wedding announcements and she had better
not change them. Her son, my fiancé, said, "Shouldn't
you call and tell her?" Hell No, did she call me?
It is nice to know that I am not the only one who would like my MIL
to never stop by again, to never call again, and to just leave me
the he!! alone. How can you nicely say, "I am a grown woman.
I don't need you to wipe my @Ss Please stay out of my business!!!!"?
Signed - DRIVING ME CRAZY
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 02-DEC-01
I can so relate to your story. I am 33 years
old, and my DH and I have been married for ten years. My DH
makes good money, and we are expecting our second child. Even
though we are perfectly capable of buying our own things for us and
our children, she still insists on trying to get everything.
Mature, responsible adults like to think and do for themselves.
Someone treating you like a child is just insulting. Keep making
it clear that you'll make your own decisions. Maybe, eventually,
she'll lay off.
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 03-DEC-01
A little over 24 years ago, just before marrying my
husband, I knew that my future MIL and I were totally different and
viewed life very differently. I also knew that I did not relate
to her AT ALL. How I wish that I could change things now!
She has nearly destroyed my marriage. If I were in your place
and knew that I didn't get along with my future MIL, I would go for
counseling, and try to get this resolved BEFORE marriage. And,
if I couldn't get it resolved to a satisfactory level, I would not
marry. At the very least, your future husband needs to be ON
YOUR SIDE, and not his mother's. And, he needs to STAND UP FOR
YOU to his mother if she mistreats you. If your future husband
is not willing to do this - BEWARE! I know. It took 22
years just for my husband to see what his mother was doing.
And, even now, he has a hard time standing up for me.
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 03-DEC-01
I guess if I were you, I would call MIL and let her
know that the wording was changed back. Then, I would let her
know, in a nice and mature tone, that the wedding belongs to the bride
and the groom, not the parents. Also, if she has things to drop
off at the house, she should call you before coming over. That
way, you can make sure you're home and things that need attention
will get attention. However, you will not be giving her a key
to the house.
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 04-DEC-01
Your story made me laugh! Your MIL sounds like
how mine used to be. One time, my MIL gave me a pair of white
polyester shorts with a seam in the legs, and they were a size 22
or something like that. At the time, I wore about a size 14!
I told her they were too big, and she said (nastily) to throw them
in the trash then! Believe me, that's where I was planning on
putting them anyway! As far as your MIL changing your wedding
announcement without your permission, that is totally uncalled for!
I don't blame you one bit for keeping it the way you wanted it and
not telling her! My MIL used to interfere in things too, but
she has backed off now for the last 7 years (thank God!). She
loves to analyze everything that I say, and disagree or correct me
too, so I know how you feel when you wrote about that! How I
handle that is to ignore her or (depending if I'm in the mood to aggravate
her, ha ha!) treat her the same way! My advice to you is to
just put your foot down more often!
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 05-DEC-01
Oh my, I am a married lady of about 15 years.
I got married at 20. I can relate to the funky pant thing wayyy
too much! Things don't get much better with age, I can tell
you! We still don't have kids and that gets things even more
funky to deal with! Nosy questions, baby-sitting problems, etc.
Yep. My MIL mettled in my wedding plans, and had the nerve to
turn around, 60 seconds after we were married (in a small chapel with
just them), and say, "We don't get divorced in my family!"
As for the key thing, I wouldn't give her one. She just wants
to snoop. She probably wants to give you recipes on your counter
top that you should cook for dinner nightly! You have to put
down your foot. Just because you're young, it doesn't mean you're
dumb! She wants to feel needed, and maybe you should (gulp!)
ask for her opinion on what she thinks about something. Give
her two options (that you would like) just for the sheer sake of making
her feel needed. Or, if she says something like, "It should
be X," (if it's small) agree or nod. But she doesn't have
to know that you won't go with that! The only thing that has
saved my sanity for all these years is a message machine, and staying
away. Good luck at the holidays! Those can be the worst
Take care.
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 13-DEC-01
I'm afraid there isn't any nice way to say what you
asked about - not in words similar to that, anyway. But, have
you ever told her you don't need her help and would rather do things
yourself? Has your DH told his mother that she needs to back
off? I'm sorry if I missed the fact that your folks did tell
her. It probably won't help, I realize. Any person with
the gall to do what she did about your invitations isn't going to
suddenly learn tact. What she did was awful. But, maybe
the key incident would give you the perfect opening. The next
time she asks for a copy, explain to her why she won't get one.
Start with the wedding incident, and work up though her coming in
when you're not home. Even if she has never come into your home
without you there in the past (I wasn't sure from your letter - sorry),
I would not trust her after what she pulled with the wedding announcements.
And I would tell her that with DH at your side supporting you.
Incidentally - I know it is not the only point, but you don't have
to be in your 60's to wear slacks with elastic in the waist.
Perhaps you could explain to MIL that you wear certain brands or types
of slacks and it would be better if you buy them so you can try them
on.
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 13-DEC-01
If you love this man, explain to him that you and he
need to start life off on the right foot, and that means a MAJOR MOVE
AWAY RIGHT NOW. Make it at least several hours from his mom
so she can't drop in or get a key. NEVER give her a key or hide
one outside. I found out that my MIL was finding the key we'd
hidden outside our home, and was going through closets, drawers etc.
At first I doubted my sanity, but I keep things really neat, and she'd
just rummage around, leaving doors ajar and drawers not closed completely.
And, since my DH is also very neat, I didn't know what to think.
Then, I got a great idea. I left notes in my lingerie drawers
for SNOOPING MIL saying, "Listen B!tch, you are sick!",
and, "Do you realize how desperate you are to do this stuff?
Get some Help!" If it wasn't her, she'd never see them
and my DH would never know since he didn't rummage there either.
She called up her son at work and told him that I'd left her a note
calling her a bitch. When he got home, he was mad and asked
me about it. I showed him where the note was. And after
his initial shock, he said, "Why the HELL would she be in your
underwear drawer while we are at work?" He told her off
BIG TIME, and told her that she was not welcome in our home when we
were gone, and that HE was changing the locks! We moved three
hours away from her within the next year, because whenever he went
on a work-related trip, she'd call our local phone number and tell
him how many times she'd called before I picked up, as if I wasn't
home or had been out catting around somewhere! I told him I
was getting 8 to 10 calls a night, and just couldn't take it, because
when I'd answer, no one would speak to me. So, I was just letting
it ring. She'd tell him that it wasn't her doing it. But,
once I told him to tell her he was going out of town, and to just
stay home and see. Surely enough, the calls started. After
6 to 7, he said he'd answer and he did so in an angry, demanding voice.
She sputtered and said, "Son? I thought your were out of
town?!" He realized she was sick and was driving me crazy
too. The move was 10 years ago, and we love our new home and
the peace and quiet and the fact that mom can't drop in or rummage
or call incessantly. We took control away from a control freak.
You've GOT TO DO THIS. THEY DON'T GIVE UP OR CHANGE. And,
please don't wait or you'll end up going half crazy, fighting constantly,
having ulcers, high blood pressure or worse. That is what she
did to me in 1-1/2 years' time. It took a miscarriage to make
me really get tough and DEMAND that my DH agree to a major change
of address. We've never regretted the move. We only regret
that it took the loss of our unborn child before we did something.
We were never able to have more children, but it was that final incident
that bonded us together and helped my DH to agree to the move.
I hope your DH can stand by your side and help you get free from his
control freak mom. Maybe if you tell him what happened to us,
it will help you two.
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 13-DEC-01
That would drive me crazy too. I agree totally
with the first respondent. And, thank you for putting that into
words. I think it hits the nail on the head about why I have
found my own in-laws to be so aggravating. My DH was a mollycoddled
only child. And, they pretty much wanted to keep on, as the
poster says, wiping his butt (and, being very intrusive to me) when
we got together. He was 26 years old when we met. Now
he's in his mid thirties. I think we are SLOWLY teaching my
in-laws to butt out a little. But, my MIL is still all over
my husband like a bad cold, wanting to know every little detail of
his day and life and trying to take over whenever there's a problem.
It IS intrusive and annoying! Adults DO like to do things for
themselves. You hit the nail on the head.
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 22-DEC-01
I really feel for you, even though I'm not married
(I'm 18). I kind of know what you're going through, because
my aunt went through the same thing (not only with her MIL, but with
her SIL too!). They both had keys to the house, and would search
her bedroom from time to time. One time, my aunt even caught
her SIL laying in the bedroom reading a magazine (explain that).
Her husband also put his mother before her. Needless to say,
they're divorced now. My advice is to stand up for yourself,
and show her that you're a grown woman, and you don't need anyone
to get up all in your business like a baby. You should also
tell your fiancé to correct his mother when she's said or done
something wrong to you.
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 22-DEC-01
You are really angry at your MIL. Stop and consider
that she is responsible for bringing the man you love, and want to
spend the rest of your life with, into this world. At the very
least, she deserves some respect for that. As for bringing over
groceries; I think she just wants to be part of your life, and that
is the only way she knows how. Sit down and have a cup of tea
and a conversation with her when you are not so angry. Tell
her you appreciate the fact that she raised the man you love.
Arrange one night a week or one night a month for her to come to dinner.
Have a little compassion, and remember that one day you may be in
her shoes.
RESPONSE: DRIVING ME CRAZY
Posted: 9-JAN-02
Your MIL likes to drop off groceries? Why not
give her a shopping list! Steak, shrimp, cheeses, pate, fresh
vegetables, good crusty bread from the bakery, maybe some of those
nice stuffed mushrooms they have at the deli. Use the money
that you would have spent on groceries for a nice bottle of wine to
go with it! I say, get what you can! Quit looking at your
in-law's generosity as trying to control you! Sometimes a gift
is just a gift.
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Posted: 17-NOV-01
I have to confess. I really HATE my MIL.
Everything about her, I absolutely HATE. She makes me so sick
to my stomach! I feel bad about feeling this way, because I
have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. I was
raised to love and forgive, but I will never forgive her for the cruel
things she has done and said to me in the past. She is a manipulative,
self absorbed, narcissistic, intrusive WITCH with a capital "B".
I'm not going to go into all the details of what she has done specifically,
because it would take a book. Don't bother asking a bunch of
questions, because I won't respond. Don't bother acting like
you're interested in helping me have a better relationship with my
MIL because it is NOT POSSIBLE - SHE IS MENTALLY ILL!!!! I really
just needed to vent!!
Signed - SICK AND TIRED
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 29-NOV-01
Hey, I am with ya. I feel the same way.
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 29-NOV-01
If you don't want to share particulars, that's okay.
Just remember - sometimes you just have to let it go, and forget about
having a normal relationship, because it ain't gonna happen.
My MIL and I will never have a normal relationship, because she hasn't
learned to respect boundaries, insists on telling us what to do and
what is expected of us (so we don't miss out on family events with
HER family), and keeps insisting that I am not family (even though
we are married). I can certainly understand venting. It
doesn't bother me if you don't want a better relationship with your
MIL. In fact, if things are really bothering you that much,
I'd say that you should have a relationship with her that is only
on YOUR terms. If she oversteps it, cut her off. Just
be sure you have your husband's support. That's the only relationship
that most of us would hope is a strong one - the relationship between
you and your husband. If she can divide and conquer, she's won
already. Just remember that - that's the only advice I can give
you. And, remember that letting all the things she's done fester
inside you is not a good idea. It can literally make you sick,
and you don't need that. Take care - good luck.
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 29-NOV-01
OK, I won't ask questions or offer suggestions.
I "listened" and I feel really badly for you. Your
MIL has obviously caused you a lot of pain. I am sorry.
I hope you feel better for venting. Please, vent here as much
as you need. I hope you are feeling a little better than you
felt when you wrote your letter. Good luck.
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 02-DEC-01
You don't need to explain. My MIL is the same
way. But, it no longer affects us, because she is no longer
a part of our lives! Sound drastic and final? It was.
And, it was the best decision we ever made! We have been MIL
free for almost five years now, and life is wonderful!! Good
luck to you.
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 02-DEC-01
Yes, but sharing stories is how we vent or work our
way through things. Maybe you just don't want to hear any positive
ideas to help your situation, and you'd rather be angry forever.
Or, maybe things aren't as bad as you are saying, and you don't want
us to respond. Or, maybe you have tried everything in the book
and nothing worked. But, you came here for some reason.
Maybe you should rethink why?
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 03-DEC-01
OOOOKKKAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! Well, maybe you
shouldn't "bother" posting if you don't want any comments????????
I personally have appreciated all comments from fellow posters.
It means so much just to get validation - someone out there understands
how I feel!!!
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 04-DEC-01
Me too, people tell me to, "Kill her with kindness,"
but that is just not satisfying to me. And, the nicer I am to
her, the more she hurts me. Mine's a real @ss too, and I don't
like people telling me to just accept her and, "Try to get along
with her." I am sick of being the one trying!!!
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 06-DEC-01
Vent away! Here is something I do which makes
me feel avenged: If she buys things for my DD, I wait a little
while, then I either trash them or put them in the charity bag.
Also, imagine using her face as a punching bag - that always helps
me deal with the anger.
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 11-DEC-01
You took the words right out of my mouth! Why
is it that MILs have to be so CRUEL, and then they try to act innocent.
Mine sent an email to my DH 2 days before Thanksgiving saying that
I have PMS and I don't want to admit it! She also called me
critical, and called both of us selfish! It sounds as if she
was speaking about herself. We have walked away and I have never
felt better! Guilty? Hell NO! What comes around
goes around, and it bites them twice as hard in the @Ss when we get
FED UP!
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 11-DEC-01
I can relate! I was just beginning to hate my
MIL when I decided to have a serious talk with DH about it.
Thank God I have his support. I don't hate her anymore, because
I prayed a great deal, knowing that hatred can be consuming and sad.
I surely don't like her. But more so, I feel sorry for such
a pathetic person. She's just a jealous, mean, stupid, old redneck
who makes a fool of herself. I hope you have the understanding
and support of your DH. You are lucky to "have her number"
instead of being fooled by her. My tendency is to always stay
away from evil people, so I can understand that you don't want anyone
telling you how to have a relationship with her. I would avoid
her like the plague. Just be sure to never let your lowlife
MIL mess with your marriage! Good luck.
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 11-DEC-01
Babe, you took the words right out of mouth!
Go ahead and vent to your heart's content! You just described
my own MIL to a "T". So, know that you are not alone
in dealing with mentally ill, dysfunctional in-laws!
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 11-DEC-01
Wow. Are you talking about my MIL??? That
is too close to home! I hope you feel better after venting!
Peace and luck to you!
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 11-DEC-01
I know what you mean about the hate. I used to
see good in just about everyone. But, when someone just maliciously
chips away at you over time, I've learned, sadly, that (at least for
me) a real hatred develops. I am horrified to find myself actually
wishing such a person ill, and thinking, "Rot in hell!",
whenever I think of them. Maybe I need to send off for "Dear
Abby"'s booklet on "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal
with It." It's turning me into a horrible person, if it
hasn't already. On the other hand, though, maybe we have these
feelings for a reason - to warn us against people who are BAD NEWS?
Well, you have my sympathy. The details don't matter - I know
that your MIL has been horrible to you.
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 22-DEC-01
I know how you feel. But, if it's any consolation,
WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND. I recently discovered that, years
ago, my MIL tried her level best to ruin the marriage of her stepson
and his wife. In the meantime, while she was up to this, her
own two children had marriages that ended in the big D. And,
the marriage that she tried to ruin is still intact after 19 years!
Bear this in mind.
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 22-DEC-01
I don't blame you. Clearly, you gave her plenty
of chances, but a person can only take so much malice. I'm sorry
to say that I agree with the respondent who wrote about her MIL not
responding well to kindness (just taking advantage of it). I
am so sorry there are people like that. In a perfect world,
it would be completely different, and she'd respond to your kindness
with kindness. Depressing! I do have one good thing to
say, though. After I made a mistake, at first, and my MIL was
kind of walking all over us and taking us for granted, I did set some
boundaries (just by distancing myself and not rewarding her intrusive
and sometimes insulting behavior). And, things are better now.
I guess I had to teach her how to treat me. But, don't you love
it when someone just treats you well without your having to fight
for it? To the original poster all I can say is: I hope
you know lots of decent people to make up for your toxic MIL.
She sounds truly horrible, and I would hate her too!
RESPONSE: SICK AND TIRED
Posted: 22-DEC-01
Yes, we have the same MIL. I have been with my
husband for 17 years, married for 14. She gets worse with each
passing year.
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Posted: 22-DEC-01
My MIL is living her life over through mine.
She follows us around on weekends. She wants to be the center
of attention everywhere we go. My husband does not want to say
anything, so I live in he!!. Does anyone have a guideline on
how much visitation a MIL should be allowed? What can I say
without hurting her feelings? She doesn't spend this much time
with his siblings' families.
Signed - Too Close For
Comfort
RESPONSE: Too Close For Comfort
Posted: 9-JAN-02
Since your MIL wants to hang around you all the time,
explain to her that you are going to spend the weekend cleaning house/painting
a bedroom/re-roofing/polishing all the silver/making all your Xmas
gifts for next year/canning 24 cans of peaches for the homeless, or
WHATEVER. If she wants to come over, tell her that she has to
help. Either you'll get help doing the awful tasks, or she won't
come over that weekend. Repeat until all your awful jobs are
done.
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Posted: 21-DEC-01
I don't know what to do with my MIL. She and
I are two very different people, and she insists on being my best
friend in the world. She calls me constantly about everything
and nothing, and badgers me to do things with her all the time.
She has a way of "making comments" when she is actually
trying to run our lives. She always has something to say about
what we are doing, how often we are going to church, and even what
we do with our dog!! I have tried to tell her that the calls
become bothersome. I have a 15 month old son, and I do not have
time for idle chit chat on the telephone. She is a very selfish
person, and if things don't go her way, she blows up. For example:
With our wedding, she basically took over and planned it. When
we nicely asked her to back off a little, she lost it! I do
not understand why she continues to bother me, when, becoming friends
will never really happen with us. I am at my wits end with all
of it. My husband and I constantly fight over her. Other
than that, we really don't fight. I am afraid she will ruin
our marriage in no time, and we have only been married less than 2
years. Please give me some suggestions.
Signed - She Insists On
Being My Best Friend
RESPONSE: She Insists On Being My Best Friend
Posted: 9-JAN-02
Since your MIL sounds controlling, give her something
to "control". Give her a job. Are your cupboards
always disorganized? Get a bunch of those nice clear containers
and ask for her help. That should keep her busy for a while
and give you clean closets and cupboards to boot! Have her address
your Christmas cards! Give her a tedious job like mending all
your clothes or something. USE HER! Use her energy and
love for you, your husband, and grandchild. Funnel that into
something productive. Go get some fabric and a pattern and have
her sew something for you/grandkid/husband. Or, have her make
curtains for the house. If she has nothing but time and energy
to butt into your life, funnel that into something GOOD for all of
you! Get over your resentment, and figure out a way of getting
what you want from this woman (who probably doesn't know how to show
love anyway, but by butting into your life).
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Posted: 21-DEC-01
Some people are clueless about how their actions affect
other people until the tables are turned! This is something
I learned recently. They aren't necessarily bad people with
bad intentions, they just make bad choices. Case in point:
My husband's side of the family is somewhat small and close.
There are 2 sisters (my MIL is one) and a brother. The three
families were always close. The cousins always spent holidays
together. Shortly after GMIL died, the first of the cousins
was married. DH's uncle decided then that he would not attend
the wedding for some reason. No one understood. He made
some excuse about time, etc. He is VERY wealthy with a very
expensive home. Money was not an object, I can assure you!
Then, my DH and I got married. The whole family gathered, except
his. He didn't come to my wedding either, and he kept his kids
from getting together with the family. Next up to get married
was one of his kids. The cousins weren't invited to the wedding
(very small ceremony), but the aunts and uncles were. The aunts
and uncles from DH's side of the family did attend. The irony
occurs when the other side of the bride's family (not ours) did not
bother to show up. The bride was so upset. Seeing his
daughter upset over that opened up his eyes. Since then, he's
sent an apology for not showing up at our important events, and promised
not to miss another. It took it hitting his home for him to
realize that his actions affect other people. How can people
be so oblivious????
Signed - Uncle Isn't Too
Swift
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Posted: 21-DEC-01
I just found this site, thank God!!! I don't
know where to start. My MIL is ruining our marriage. She
has been a big pain in the butt from day 1! I should have known
better. Eight years ago, my MIL tried to plan every part of
our wedding. The florist even told my maid of honor how sorry
she was for me. My MIL also had to buy a special "son plus
mom song" for them to slow dance to at our wedding (for just
the two of them)! Here's only a handful of the many things she's
said and done: She moved our furniture when we were gone to
"her taste" at our 1st home. She demanded to spend
the night on our first night in our new home as a newlywed couple.
She told me that I'm "clingy" just because I hug her son
(she's so jealous of any of our affection). She told me, "You're
only smart one time a month!" She buys the same exact birthday
or Christmas present that I buy her son, and makes him choose while
criticizing my choice. She says, "Can I talk to DH,"
on the phone whenever there is a family crisis (I guess I'm not family,
and she can't tell me who has died or fallen ill). She gets
jealous if we go on vacation or do anything without her. She
uses his dad's cancer as a manipulative force to get her son to do
anything for her. She says things like, "Your dad has cancer,
so you have to always be there to cheer him up." Why can't
MIL cheer him up? He's her husband, plus we see them once a
week already. She told me, "You're not trying to lose weight
because you're married now. You got your man." She
tells me, "You don't have a good job" constantly.
I have severe back problems (caused by her son getting me into a car
accident), high blood pressure and diabetes. She still blames
me for not having kids, and thinks I'm faking my health problems (asks
me regularly if I'm on the pill). The only topics she talks
about are her two grown sons. She never thinks to ask about
me or my life. She says, "A mother's love is the only,
most important love, not a wife's love." We visit once
a week, and her son calls her often, but she still whines that nobody
visits or calls her. She says this over and over and over every
week that we visit. She constantly tells me how I should decorate
our home, and tells me that if we move, they will follow us!!
Ug!!! My in-laws are usually one hour late for supper at my
house, and they usually eat before coming over. Yet, she throws
a hissy fit if we are late to their house (at least I call when I'm
late - they don't). She says that my house always smells like
stir-fry (because I'm half oriental). I don't cook stir-fry
that often. She whines and makes us feel guilty if every holiday
is not spent with them (my side of the family gets the crumbs usually).
She also lives in the past and brings out her sons' baby books all
the time. At my shower, everyone was suppose to say one thing
about me. She said, "My DIL will never cheat on my son."
Every thing goes back to her son. She couldn't even say one
nice thing about me. She also gives us gifts and asks for them
back months or years later (so weird!). Adopting or having kids
scares me, because I feel she will control and manipulate them.
I had some controlling parents as a kid, and so I thought I would
escape those kind of people when I married. But here I am again.
My husband is my soul-mate and best friend. I love him so much,
and he treats me very well, so I don't know if leaving him because
of his mother will make me happy. He has already talked to her
about her behavior, but she just goes back to being mean. He
does understand, because she almost gets fired at every job she has
because she is mean to customers. And, he said that when he
was a kid, every kid thought his mom was a b!tch. I've been
to counseling, and the therapist said I can't change her, but I have
to avoid her or change my emotional attachment to her verbiage.
I feel she gets pleasure by hurting me. Are there really such
people? I hate holidays because of all the guilt she gives us,
and my presents are never good enough for her. Sorry, I just
needed to vent my frustrations tonight.
Signed - Frustrated And
Feeling So Alone
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Posted: 21-DEC-01
If anyone can give me advice, I would greatly appreciate
it. My DH and I have been together for almost two years, and
MIL treats me as if I were a VOID. When she calls, she never
asks about me. She invites DH for holidays, and the question
of whether or not I am coming is never brought up. She and FIL
go out of their way to visit DH when he is in another town or state
for business. They have never asked to see our house.
She and I have had problems since the wedding, when I put my foot
down. But, I don't understand how long this will go on, not
being a part of the family. If I am with him at a get together,
they COMPLETELY IGNORE me. They don't even speak to me unless
absolutely necessary (hello and good-bye, normally). My DH understands
how I feel, but he won't say anything to them about it. He says
that his mom is a difficult person, and it may take a while for her
to get over not being in charge of the wedding, etc. Hello?
If there is anyone who has any help, please let me know. BTW,
GM IL also treats me the same way, along with her daughter.
Signed - Hate Holidays
With IL's
RESPONSE: Hate Holidays With IL's
Posted: 20-JAN-02
That sounds like my MIL. I am ignored at family
functions also. We were married seven months ago, but my MIL
still calls our home and only leaves messages just for my H.
If I don't answer the phone when she calls, then she never speaks
to me. She might ask my DH how I am, but she really could not
care less. She thinks she can have a relationship with me through
my DH. When we planned our wedding, my MIL disliked everything
we did. We just stopped telling her things. This made
her feel very left out. But, we both were tired of hearing how
disgusted she was with our wedding. It was our wedding, and
she wanted it to be her wedding. Your wedding day is your day,
not hers. Don't let her take it way from you. You and
your FDH should have the wedding you want, even if your MIL has problems
with it. While planning our wedding, and after, my DH began
to see how manipulative his mother can be. But, he has a very
difficult time standing up to her, because she has controlled him
for so long. When he was younger, it was always her way and
nothing else. My MIL thinks all the changes in my DH are due
to me. But, the truth is, he is seeing her for who she has really
been all along. He is now in counseling to help him come to
terms with his feelings that he has suppressed about his mother for
all these years. While were engaged, I wrote an email to my
MIL to tell her that I felt she disliked me. My DH thought this
might help, but it did not. She just got defensive towards me.
I thought that once we married, things would change. But, I
still feel like she does not want me in her family. I don't
think she will ever accept me as "daughter". I have
probably been too focused on what my MIL thinks of me, because I always
wanted to have a great relationship with my MIL. Therefore,
my advice to you is to focus on your marriage and your DH, and not
his mother. Communicate with your DH so he knows how this treatment
from his family makes you feel. As much as you would like to
change things, they are probably not going to change, no matter how
hard you try to get along with your MIL. Stand up for yourself
if she crosses the line like others have stated in their responses.
As for being ignored by her, do it right back. My MIL will sometimes
ask me a question (such as, "How is work?"), and then ignores
my answer. So, if I feel she is ignoring me, I stop responding
to the question (sometimes in mid-sentence). Like you, I usually
only get the "hi" and "good-bye" comments at family
events. It sucks, because on family occasions, I may not even
be spoken to. But, I refuse to play the games my MIL plays.
It takes two to have a relationship. If your MIL is not trying,
you cannot change her. Its sounds like, if you want respect,
you are going to have to demand it from both your DH (he must stand
up for you), and from your MIL. Good Luck with your wedding.
Sign me: Wanting a Nice MIL.
RESPONSE: Hate Holidays With IL's
Posted: 20-JAN-02
Just let her stew in her own juices. She is
obviously highly insecure about your relationship with her son.
She knows you come first, and this is her futile attempt to make you
feel undermined. You can't change her actions, but what you
can change is your perception of them. Don't let them get to
you. You are a far better person than she is!
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Working Women Don't Have Wives