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Mother-In-Law Mall
A place to find great gifts!
and products related to mothers-in-law and other family members.
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Mother-In-Law Stories
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January
11, 2002
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DECEMBER
2001
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JANUARY
2002
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Frequent
Fry Her TM - Coyote
/Posted: 11-JAN-02
I don't know why this enrages me so much, but I have
to get it out. All of my in-laws have had this expectation
of me since the day I arrived. I am supposed to be this pretty,
smiling conversationalist who loves all the same things my DH does.
I have been expected to clean, cook and be a social butterfly since
the day I arrived. I was supposed to be happy living in a
cold climate, even though I grew up in the warm South. I was
supposed to settle for some cr@ppy job, rather than find something
I like to do. I was expected to leave my cat in the south,
and I was ridiculed for bringing her with me (she was the one thing
that made me feel like I had a home). Now, to the part I'm
venting about: I don't know about you, but I hate receiving
the DIL card, or the son and DIL card. My DH says they aren't
meant to be seen as thinking especially of me. I agree to
a point, that it says I'm not one of them. That's my take
on it. I'd prefer a card to a "special someone"
or "both of you". But what has enraged me today,
2 days before my birthday, are all the birthday cards that I have
received in the mail from everyone in his family that have all been
addresses to Mrs. John Doe. What the hell? When do I
lose my freaking first name too? I have been so annoyed by
this that I haven't opened the cards. In fact, I like to save
cards, but I've thrown them all away. Is it not enough that
we give up a lot of our life for the sake of our man, and our last
name, but now we no longer have a first name of our own. Is
everything for him? I made a point at my wedding to have us
announced as Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe for this purpose.
I was so mad tonight that I changed the message on our answering
machine to say, "Hi, you've reach John and Mrs. John."
I know that it seems that I'm probably being petty to a lot of you,
but for goodness sakes, are spouses no longer allowed any individuality.
When we got married, did we suddenly absorb into one person?
The same goes for men too? UGH!
Signed - Mrs. John Doe
No Longer Me
(
I want my own
Frequent Fry Her TM Page )
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
I don't think you're being petty at all. It sounds like your
DH's family can barely accept you for who you are, and so they block
you out of their minds by referring to you by Mrs. (Son's name).
They are being disrespectful to you. You're going to have
to remind them what your first name is. I didn't take my husband's
last name, and my MIL used to send cards to me titled Mrs. (Son's
name). I just "returned to sender", and I haven't
received an annoying card from her again!
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
I agree with you, but I think you may end up getting criticized
by women who feel it is a big honor to take on their husband's name.
I purposely did NOT take my husband's name legally when we married,
because I did not want to share the same last name as his mother!!
What was ironic was that she did not want us to get married at all
(we had dated for 5 years before getting engaged, and she did not
want me to marry her son because she was racist - she didn't want
to invite any of her friends or relatives to our wedding - beyond
my husband's brother and 2 sisters!!). And, yet, when I didn't
legally take my husband's last name, my MIL got all bent out of
shape!! Now that we have three kids who are in school, I have
ended up being known as Mrs. X (my husband's last name) just because
it is easier. But, I have never changed my name legally.
What also gets to me is that my husband and I could end up divorced
some day, and some other woman could marry him and be known as Mrs.
John Doe. There are some women out there who just feel so
honored to take their husbands' names, and that is fine for them,
but it is not for me. I have no problem, really, with being
known as Mrs. Jane Doe. But I don't like being known as Mrs.
John Doe. As I said before, if my first name is used along
with my husband's last name, at least I am distinguishable, and
feel like I have my own identity. That is just my thought
on the matter. I hope your husband is supportive of you with
everything regarding his family. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
Agh! Me too! I hate getting cards to "My son and
his wife", and "My brother and his family" like I
did this Christmas. I displayed all our other cards, but filed
those away (w/o making a big deal to DH or anything). Why
do the card manufacturers even put them out? I think it's
obnoxious. I also hate being addressed as Mrs. John Doe.
But, I know some women like that, so they may just think you're
one of those women. I did take my DH's last name, but I don't
remember taking his first name also. It's really bad, because
my DH is named after FIL. We went to a wedding and there were
two place cards for Mr. and Mrs. John Doe. Um, maybe if we
admitted that the women have actual names, it would have been easier
to figure out where we were supposed to sit? Anyway, I totally
agree with you.
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
Yep, yep, yep. So you have a problem with the Christmas card
addressed to your husband only from his sister too. How about
the "To my son and his wife card". Yeah, that's
a good one. I do love the "To my daughter-in-law"
card also. Apparently, this is the card for that person, so
I have no intention of actually identifying her by name. And,
by the way, MIL completely ignored the fact that my last name is
not his last name. She even went so far before the wedding
as to call a dinner meeting with him to ask him who I thought I
was to not take her ex-husband's last name (we don't really have
time here to go into why he's an ex). Well, from the looks
of things, I'm just who my names say I am. I have two last
names because I've been me for a while now and I see no reason to
lose my name just because I got married. But, nope, his family
can't seem to remember that I ever had a last name. For years,
before marriage, we would get cards addressed to his full name and
"+X (my first name)" tacked on. Gee, thanks for
thinking of me guys, how sweet! Now, I was with him for eight
years before marriage. I think that's plenty of time to ask
the question, "How do you spell your last name, dear?"
You just have to laugh. I don't think they realize how ignorant
they are. Sign me: not Mrs. X.
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
I agree with you. I don't mind the DIL cards, but the Mrs.
John Doe drives me nuts. I would have sent the cards back
with "person unknown" written on the envelope. That
is, if my IL's ever sent me a card. They don't acknowledge
my birthday.
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
It sounds as if you feel you are losing yourself in this marriage.
But, where is YOUR family? You are so very unique to your
own parents and siblings. You sound as if you are lacking
that support. Get some therapy, and vent!
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
I hear you, sister. And, Amen!!!! I refuse to answer
to being called Mrs. John Doe. Either address me as Jane Doe
or nothing. I sometimes regret not hyphenating my name so
I could have retained some of my individuality. My IL's are
the exact same way. If DH likes brussel sprouts, then, by
gosh, I ought to like them too. I don't know about your DH,
but mine is fairly supportive of my need to be an individual, with
individual likes and tastes. Although he does, occasionally,
tell me that I am independent to a fault. I just resent being
looked at as an extension of my husband. I am still the same
person I was before I was married. I don't know if this helps,
but want you to know that I at least understand.
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
I feel your pain. My ILs address cards to me and DH as Mr.
and Mrs. John Doe also. I never took my DH's name. I
kept my maiden name, so this makes it even more annoying.
My SIL also refuses to acknowledge me as something other than Mrs.
John Doe. The only satisfaction I got was when MIL and FIL
sent me a check in the mail for my birthday. I called them
and told them that I appreciated the gesture, but I couldn't cash
a check made out to "Jane Doe" because I didn't change
my name, and the name on the bank account was not "DOE",
but "SMITH". Then, I said that the bank wouldn't
cash a check made out to Jane Doe without proper identification.
While they now make out checks to me as Jane Smith, they haven't
taken the hint about personal mail. My ILs are too stupid
for words!
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
Finally, someone who feels the same way as I do. I got a piece
of mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. "His first and last name",
and I didn't even take his last name! Of course it was from
his mother, who KNOWS I haven't changed my name. DH didn't
seem to see what the big deal was about it, he just thought I was
being petty and unreasonable. I e-mailed him your post just
to show him that I am not the only woman who gets angry over this.
I plan on getting some mailing labels, and next time I mail cards
to his family (although I don't even know when that would be - but
if I ever do), I will put my own labels on them which will read
"my first and last name" and "his first and last
name". At least I will feel some victory.
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
I was flabbergasted reading this. Rather than get upset at
being called Mrs. John Doe, why doesn't the person in this story
simply mail everyone in the in-law family a small card that says,
"Thanks for your wishes. By the way, please call me Jane
Doe (or whatever) from now on, as, hey, it's 2002, and being called
Mrs. John Doe gives me, and everybody we know, the willies.
They'll not only realize they underestimated their new family member,
but her sense of humor as well.
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
I think you are overreacting. It's the old fashion way of
doing things - to address you that way. Although I don't like
getting the DIL or SIL cards either. I feel singled out when
they do that, like I'm not part of the family or someone special.
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
I hear you. One begins to feel like an accessory in their
husband's home, instead of a valued and validated individual.
Obviously, all of the women in your husband's family are drones.
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
I am from a far eastern country. Our upbringing and grooming
is quiet different from the western point of view. When we
get married, we don't marry to an individual. Instead, my
family gets "tied" to my husband's family. What
I understand is that my husband has been brought up and nurtured
by my second mother (that's what I call my mother-in-law) and papa
(that's what my husband called his father). I understand that
all the love and affection I receive from my in-laws are through
my husband, and that is a very fair attitude. Marriage calls
for a lot of sacrifices from both husband and wife. Since
we are from a "close-knit" environment, I did try my best
to naturalize myself in my husband's ancestral household, whereby
most of the second family, my in-laws, live. We are happy
and enjoying the gatherings on all occasions. Before your
marriage, you should have weighted your options. I don't say
that after marriage there are no options, but there are fewer.
The attitude in our household is dependent on each individual of
the family. We have our say and we don't leave any cards hidden
in our sleeves. Recently, my BIL got married and he left the
place with full blessings of each member of the family.
RESPONSE: Mrs. John Doe No Longer Me
It seems that your in-laws are not helpful at all in making you
welcome in a new city. I hope your husband is bending over
backwards to make you comfortable in your new surroundings, and
will make your in-laws treat you as the individual you are, not
as his accessory. They seem to be very conservative in their
views of a woman's place in society. They are backwards and
anachronistic - please note the fact that they feel it is the wife
who is supposed to adjust to the husband, not the other way around
(nor both halfway). No, you are now a husband's property,
and, therefore, don't even have a first-name of your own.
Addressing you as "Mrs. John Doe" on the envelope (I hope
not inside the actual card) does not make you feel respected as
a person. Don't let anybody force you into that role.
Moving to another state to be with your man is a huge step, and
your husband and the in-laws have to respect that and help you with
it. I know from my own experience: I am Austrian (I
hope my English is understandable). My man is Norwegian.
We met in Austria. Then, we lived in the U.K. for two years.
Now, we have moved to Norway to live here for the next three years.
Not only have we moved to different countries, but each country
has a different culture, and a different language as well.
And, you know what I do to make myself feel at home? I decided
to identify my sense of "being at home somewhere" with
an object: I have a beautiful small folding table that I associate
with many happy memories. It actually fits inside a suitcase.
So, whichever new country we move to, I take it with me. So,
I think that bringing your cat is a fantastic idea! Anybody
who makes fun of that is not willing to understand and relate to
your situation. My man is very supportive, and does everything
to make me feel comfortable and at home. The in-laws are absolutely
great - nobody expects me to just "merge into their culture".
Yes, I adjusted a bit ("In Rome do as the Romans"), but
everybody understands when I miss my friends, family, or the food.
They talk Norwegian with me to help me learn the language, but there's
absolutely no problem if I say I need a break from this. They
gladly talk German with me. The important thing is that you
also try to get a life of your own. No, you must not settle
for the bad job. Keep looking for the job you want.
Find new friends. That's a very slow and frustrating process,
but, after a while, you will know some people you can meet for a
coffee. The way that you are expected to totally change yourself
and "just adjust" is unfair, arrogant, and shortsighted.
If he loves you, your man has the responsibility to help you find
your way in a new environment and with the in-laws. You both
need to discuss ways for this to happen. Keep communicating.
Good Luck, and be strong!
|
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My husband and I have
been married for 2 1/2 years. We have two sons, a 2 year old
and a 1 year old. I got pregnant before I got married, and
my husband told me right away that I would be staying home to be
with the kids. That was a hard adjustment for me, considering
I have been an ER nurse for almost 20 years. His mother has
hated me from day one. She has always said that she wanted
to raise my kids, and that my husband and I should get a divorce.
My MIL lives in another state, but would come to visit for weeks
at a time regularly. My husband is a total wimp around his
mother. He would do anything for her, including divorce me.
At this time, we are in the middle of a separation/divorce.
He has moved into an apartment, and I am still in the house with
the kids. Recently, his mother has come to stay with him.
Now she is always around, and always wants to see the kids.
My husband is a totally different person when his mother is not
around. It is only when she is staying with him that he becomes
hateful and mean, and speaks of pushing on with the divorce.
I think if it was just him making the decision (and he did not have
his mother's influence), he really would not want to go through
with the divorce. By the way, I just found out, recently,
that he owes his mother a large sum of money. I'm wondering
if she is holding this over his head, and that is why he is being
the way he is. Just before the separation, my husband and
I had a wonderful vacation together - just the two of us.
And, when he saw his mother next, he just changed. Help!!!!
How can I get this woman out of my life? She is ruining my
family!
Signed - She Is Ruining
My Family!
RESPONSE: She Is Ruining My Family!
I hope you can sit down and have a very serious talk with your husband.
If that doesn't work to change his mind, and he still cow-tows to
his mother, then maybe you are better off without your husband (sorry
to say that!). Do you REALLY want a man who is such a wimp,
and can't see straight whenever his mother is around? I am
so sorry that you are separated from your husband, and wish you
would get back together - but only if you are able to be together
and be HAPPY. And, that, most likely, means that you are going
to have to get him to separate from his mommy. GOOD LUCK!!
RESPONSE: She Is Ruining My Family!
Lose the man. It sounds like she comes attached to him.
What a nightmare. Hold your ground.
RESPONSE: She Is Ruining My Family!
Your MIL sounds very vindictive and possessive. He seems to
be a pawn in her power game. And, the best thing you can do
is try to get back into your former vocation, forge ahead in life,
and raise your children. One of two things will happen.
Either he will see that you are strong and will go on without him,
and that he is losing his family over this, and come back with a
better perspective, or he will stay with his mother and continue
to dance to her sick tune. At this point, the next time you
have the chance, tell her EXACTLY what you think. That, alone,
will make you feel a lot better than having it boil up inside of
you. Remember to keep your voice at a normal level, though,
no yelling! LOL. Good luck!
RESPONSE: She Is Ruining My Family!
For the sake of your family, move farther away. Encourage
a new change. I feel very badly for you. But, do you
want to remain married to a person who is such a coward, and cruel
to you because of his mother? But, for the sake of your children,
get counseling for both of you. I know you love him, and I'm
sure he loves you. Good luck.
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In October 2000 I lost
my 30 year old brother to a tragic car accident. My MIL has
told me, on several occasions, that I should not grieve, and that
I should just walk around the yard. She has also said to me,
"Let's see, has it been a year yet?" Am I not allowed
to grieve over a year for my brother? Also, my SIL (who is
a nurse, and who also used to work in the emergency room, where
she often would be the one who told the families that they lost
a loved one) has told me that I should be so grateful that I still
have my husband and daughter, and that I should not grieve for my
brother. Instead, she thinks I should focus on the positive
things about my brother's death. I lost my father when I was
12. A building fell on top of him at work. It was a
long, hard journey to get through the pain of losing him, and now
I am just traumatized and devastated about my brother's death.
My husband's family just doesn't understand or offer support to
me. Also, 2 weeks after my brother's death, my BIL told me,
"He was a great guy, but you are okay now." My husband's
reaction is that he doesn't believe his family intentionally wants
to hurt. He says that they just said some stupid things, and
his family is just at a loss for words, since they have never been
through anything so traumatic before. I am so hurt, and do
not care to be around anyone who feels that I should not grieve
for a dear loved one whose death broke my heart into millions of
pieces. When holidays or family events come up, I just want
to stay home and not be around his family, because I do not feel
love or support. I do not know what to do. This is really
tearing my husband and I apart. I know that my husband did
care for my brother, but he is just like the rest of his family
(they live in a bubble, and they believe the world is just so beautiful
and perfect). Their everyday lives went on after my brother's
death, but mine has halted till I somehow can find some peace in
my heart and try to heal. Help!
Signed - Heart - Broken
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
I am sorry for your loss. And as for the insensitive people
around you, they have no right to tell you how long to grieve.
In the words of a wise lady on the boards, "They can go suck
rocks." Please come over to the boards where you can
get daily encouragement, and have folks to talk with.
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
Unfortunately, most people do not know how to deal with another
person's sorrow, and end up saying stupid, insensitive things to
them. A month after my father's suicide, my own father's brother
told me I had to just go on with my life (!!!???). As if I
had a choice. But there is no time limit on grief. Try
to ignore their insensitivity (which is likely to be their own confusion
on how to react) and grieve as long as you need to. You have
a perspective on things that they lack.
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
I am very sorry about your brother. Would he want your life
to come to a halt for over a year? Would he not want you to
live everyday to the fullest while you have the chance? Death
is very, very sad. Life is a precious gift to behold everyday.
Count your blessings, and maybe get some grief counseling.
Good luck!
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. But, I have to agree
with your husband on this one. People who have not gone through
this pain are usually the ones who say dumb things because they
think that their dumb things are comforting. I know this from
experience. I used to say stupid things too like, "don't
cry," not knowing that crying really helps. Also, I would
avoid the person who lost a relative because I thought they needed
the space. When I lost someone close, I realized how important
it was to talk about it to someone, and, also, that it was ok to
be upset. So, please, even though you might hate your ILs
as I do, don't let their ignorance get to you. Talk to your
DH, or your close friends and family, about how much you miss your
brother, as well as your feelings. It really does help.
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
When my 15-year-old cousin killed himself with a shotgun, my spineless
husband didn't even hug me. He said, "Well, I didn't
even know him, so I guess I can't help you right now!"
And, then, he ran downstairs to play with his trains. I stood
in the kitchen and sobbed, alone, beating my hands on the fridge.
So alone, so sad, so angry at my spineless husband. I left
him a month later, and he never has understood that his behavior
that night helped to cement my resolve to leave his unworthy @ss.%
They can do something that crystallizes your need to leave them
- and they don't even know they're doing it. I had put up
with SO MUCH SH!T over the brief course of our marriage, but that
cemented it. The bastard couldn't even hold me and let me
cry. That's too cold, even for me. I should have known
better. Three years earlier, at Xmas, his sister gave me a
camera and said, "You! Take a picture of JUST THE FAMILY!"
I took pix of her, her parents, my DH, and her husband. My
idiot H didn't know why it was a "big deal" that his sister
didn't consider me "family", but rather a complete stranger
who was also a photographer. I am so glad I divorced his sad
@Ss (BTW, snotty sister got divorced by her husband, and I laughed
myself sick over it).
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
I lost my sister in a car crash on 12/26/96. She was 15.
Gosh, it hardly seems that long. So, Christmas day was the
last whole day I spent with her. People say the most incredibly
insensitive things like, "At least everyone got to see her
on Christmas." No, you are not supposed to be done grieving
"in a year". That's dumb. Every holiday will
be hard. Every time his birthday rolls around, it will give
you pause. Time is the great healer, but the wound will always
be there. Ignore the ignorant and the lucky. If they
had lost someone so suddenly, you would get a totally different
response. Now, there should be a point that the grief doesn't
interfere with your everyday life. But, there's no magic number
of days or months. As for insensitive comments: I have heard
them all. We had people tell my parents that, "God just
needed another angel." My mother remarked, "Why
don't you volunteer your child?" I'm not particularly
religious, but I heard a wonderful interpretation of the Book of
Job. The religious scholar said that more people needed to
learn from the Book of Job how to counsel those who have lost:
Simply be there for them and grieve with them. Don't tell
them it's God's plan, don't tell them they'll get over it.
That's not their job. Just be there and (in his words) cry
with them. If everyone would do that, it would be more helpful
then the unintentionally hurtful cr@p my parents and I usually hear.
For instance, "It's a good thing you have two other children."
I'll get off my soapbox now. Just writing this brings up feelings.
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
Why not tell your in-laws and your husband that you are NOT them,
and to get off your back. You have every right to grieve for
as long as it takes. I'd even say something like, "Look,
you didn't feel the same way about him as I did, and you never could.
So, I don't expect you to understand." As heartless as
this sounds, your grieving is making THEM uncomfortable. Their
concerns are not for you or your brother, but for themselves.
So, go on and grieve. If they still bother you, tell them
that your grief is very personal, and to mind their own business.
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
I am so sorry for your loss. It must hurt so much. I
have not been through anything as traumatic as your father and brother's
deaths. But I can't imagine telling you how to feel, or how
long to grieve. I hope you see a therapist. There are
lots of therapists who specialize in grief counseling. You
really need someone to talk to - someone who can respect the place
you are in. As far as your ILs are concerned, do give them
the benefit of doubt. Some people have absolutely no idea
how to deal with loss. My grandpa was a wonderful, loving
person. There were hundreds of people at his funeral.
But, he, in his life, never attended a funeral (except for his dad's
- that was because he had to be there to perform certain rituals).
Even when people close to him died, he always said something really
stupid as an excuse for not going to their funeral. He just
did not know how to deal with it. I don't think he meant to
hurt anyone. He just did not know what to say to grieving
people. The usual stuff that people say sounded insincere
to him, and he preferred not to say anything. I know this
hurt my grandma a lot. She had to make excuses for him all
the time. She was always afraid no one would show up for his
funeral, but I think people gave him the benefit of doubt, as he
was wonderful otherwise. In any case, I hope it helps you
a little to know that your brother and father continue to live in
your heart, and the hearts of those who loved them. It is
unfortunate that you have been deprived of their physical presence.
I hope you find the help you need in dealing with such a loss.
God bless you. You will be in my prayers.
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
I'm very sorry for your losses. You're having a hard time
healing because you lost your father at an emotional age.
So, losing anyone is traumatic. In time everything heals,
but you will always mourn the loss of loved ones. You will
feel an emptiness. I think that these people are exactly what
your husband says - thoughtless. I don't think they are trying
to be malicious. They aren't in your shoes, and have no idea.
Your SIL, however, sounds like a twit who is hardened by her job.
Take nothing she says to heart. She was callous. I'm
sure it's hard to be around these people, since there is no support.
But, people mourn for different lengths of time. There are
no rules to coping. It just takes time. Each day will
get a little better. Remember him warmly in your heart, and
he will never be gone.
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
First, let me offer my condolences on losing your brother.
My mother and her family are the same as your ILs in dealing with
this sort of thing. They expect everyone to "get over
it" as soon as possible. When a good friend died, she
did not understand at all why I would want to take two days off
to go to a funeral out of state. He wasn't even faaaaamily,
after all! Tell your DH and his family that everyone has a
different way of handling a loss like this, and it is NOT up to
them to tell you how to grieve. Do whatever YOU need to do
to feel better! The rest of them need to back off, including
your husband if he can't be more supportive.
RESPONSE: Heart - Broken
You have my deepest sympathy on the loss of your brother.
I really feel for you. When my father died, my ILs were also
very insensitive. My BIL asked me, impatiently, at my father's
wake, "So are you okay now?" Like he was tired of
the whole situation. My father died of cancer, and was sick
for two years. My MIL didn't even come to the wake or the
funeral, nor did she send me a card. I was furious with them.
I avoided them at all costs. And when I didn't show up to
a faaaamily gathering, my DH simply told them, "My DW needs
time to herself, as she is in mourning." I think your
DH needs to support you and put your feelings first right now.
It doesn't matter how HE felt about your brother - YOU loved him
and miss him terribly. You deserve to take the time to grieve,
and how long that takes depends on you. Everyone grieves differently,
and there is no set time. If you are not up to an IL gathering,
then don't go. You need to be around people who understand
and support you right now. Your DH needs to put your feelings
first. Even if you had the best relationship in the world
with your ILs, that doesn't mean you are ready to socialize.
In the old days, people were in an official mourning period for
one year. They wore black so the world knew they were grieving.
I almost wish those traditions still existed. In this day
and age, people expect you to "get over it" the day after
the funeral! It's appalling! Please take care of yourself
and put yourself first. Tell your H you expect him to be supportive,
and run interference with his family. Whether or not he thinks
they MEAN to be hurtful, the bottom line is that they ARE being
hurtful, and he needs to protect you. Please take care of
yourself and do what you need to do to get through this. I
am so very sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.
(RESPONSE CONTINUED:)
I just responded to your post, and then I reread your story.
I'm sorry - I thought you had said your H did NOT care for your
brother. So, please disregard my statement about your H not
caring for him. Another thing I noticed is that your brother
died in Oct. 2000. So, it has been over a year, and it sounds
like your grief is still fresh. I was in the same boat when
my father died. I started to see a therapist for grief counseling,
and it really helped me a lot. I got out a lot of rage and
frustration over my ILs treatment of me during the most difficult
time in my life. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders.
It's something you might want to consider, too. Good luck.
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I just delivered 3 weeks
back. Had a complicated pregnancy (preeclampsia), and delivered
by c-section. My baby is just 3 pounds. My in-laws and
my parents live in the same town, and I live with my husband in
a nearby town. My relationship with my in-laws has always
been strained. But, with the birth of my baby, it has gone
form bad to worse. My problem is that I wanted to go to my
parent's house after delivery. But, my in-laws assumed that
I would go to their house after delivery, as my mother is a working
woman, and she will not get leave for 3 months. But, luckily,
my mom did get leave. My in-laws tried to convince my husband
by saying that taking care of a premature baby is a very difficult
thing, that my mom is not educated enough, and that she is very
outdated to take good care of my baby and me. But, my husband
said that I would go to my mom's house, as I would feel more comfortable
in my childhood house. My mom is taking very good care of
me and the baby, and both of us are recovering quite well.
During my stay in my childhood house, MIL has been calling at least
3-4 times a day, and gives all kinds instructions to my mom and
me. She tells my mom that I should not be talked to, and should
be given a lot of rest. Ironically, she is calling me 3-4
times a day, and holds me on the phone for 30 minutes or so every
time. She asks questions like, "How many times have you
fed the child?" and she wants to know whether I have wrapped
up the baby properly, how many times has the baby passed stools,
etc. MIL tells my grandmom that she should not go to the room
where the baby is, as they think that my mom is not very clean.
They instruct me not have any visitors and expose the child to any
infections. I am, literally, totally confined to one room,
as I am scared that if my baby falls sick, my in-laws will say that
we are not taking good care of the baby in my parent's house.
I am very depressed, I cry all the time, and I am scared something
bad will happen to the baby. Now, to add to that, my MIL has
convinced my husband that I should stay in their house for 6 months
before I go back to my husband's house, and that he could visit
me and my child once a week. She says that they, too, want
to spend some time with the child, as we have plans to move to another
country after a year or so. I feel that she can always visit
us here (husband's house) or even after we go abroad. Why
do my in-laws behave this way? I don't want to go and stay
with them without my husband around. Am being unreasonable
if I say that I cannot stay with them for more than a month or so?
Please help. I am at the edge. I know what he!! it can
be to be alone with my in-laws for 6 months. Thank you.
Signed - Emotionally
Wrecked New Mom
RESPONSE: Emotionally Wrecked New Mom
Who knows why they act this way? It doesn't really matter.
And it doesn't really matter what MIL thinks, or wants. This
is YOUR baby! She had her time as a mother. If I were
in your place, I would tell her to knock it off, or she will be
out of the baby's life forever. If you can't do that, PLEASE
consider not talking to her when she calls. The best device
in the world for a DIL is Caller ID. Hook it to an answering
machine. If she asks why you didn't answer, say that you were
laying down, like she keeps saying. Have your family tell
her that you are resting. Does your family want to tell her
off by now? Let them. If you do happen to get caught
on the phone with her, just answer some advice like, "Well,
thank you very much. I am going to check on doing that right
now. Good-bye." Then hang up. Don't wait
for her to say good-bye back. Now, mom, YOU are the Mama -
no matter how much that bulldozer of a MIL wants to run roughshod
over you. Talk with your pediatrician. Then, every time
MIL says something derogatory, you can say, "The pediatrician
says the baby is doing fine." My MIL wasn't quite as
bad as yours, but I found myself saying that phrase 10 times in
every phone call (if I let her talk). Usually I said, "OOPS!
Baby's hungry. Good-bye.!" I would suggest that
you also talk to your Dr. about this 6 month visit insanity - I
am sure he/she will back you up. There is NO EARTHLY reason,
IMHO, for you to do such a thing. It is a strain on you, on
the baby, on your marriage - there is just NO WAY I would agree
to it. It makes no sense except to satisfy MIL's demands for
equal rights. Well, your MIL has NO rights, and she had better
get used to it. I would talk to your Dr., and see if he doesn't
agree that you should not talk to MIL more than 1 time every few
days. Also, I would like to see the Dr. tell your DH that
this baby needs to be with mommy and daddy when the danger is past,
and you are up to being a family. It is a miracle, and I understand
grandma (MIL) is excited about a grandbaby (I'm a grandma, too,
and love the kids), but she is going TOO FAR!! And, you can
tell her, for me, that another grandmother and MIL said so - so
BACK OFF, MIL!!!
RESPONSE: Emotionally Wrecked New Mom
Snap out of it. You are letting strangers run your life, and
also cause you a great deal of stress. The next time the witch
calls, have your mother take the call. I don't know about
your mother, but my mother would easily put a stop to that.
Remember, one thing: You are an adult. You don't have
to do anything you don't want to do. Now, repeat that throughout
the day and you WILL get strong.
RESPONSE: Emotionally Wrecked New Mom
My god, woman, just tell them what you want to do. Tell your
mom that you don't want to talk to MIL. If you don't say something,
the behavior will not stop. Better get hubby to back you up
as well
RESPONSE: Emotionally Wrecked New Mom
I had my baby in October, and I can remember clearly how stressful
and tiring those first weeks are (although there were shining moments
of pure joy). The last thing you need is the additional stress
your MIL is giving you. If you want to have people over, go
ahead. Just make sure that they're not sick first. And,
as for other guests, have them wash their hands before holding baby.
There's no reason that you shouldn't go out or do something special
for yourself if you feel up to it (even if it is just reading a
chapter of a good book, taking a nice long bath). If you don't
want to go to your MIL's home, don't. I don't understand why
your ILs say you have to stay with them for 6 months, and why you're
not living in your home with your hubby. You say that you're
depressed - please go to your doctor and talk to him/her about it
(and, maybe the doctor can also think up a medical reason why you
can't stay with the Ils). "Well, Dr. So And So says that
I can't stay with you because ..." I'm sorry that your
MIL is making this special time so hard for you, and I hope that
things get better. Good luck, best wishes, and congratulations
on the birth of your baby.
RESPONSE: Emotionally Wrecked New Mom
To he!! with your MIL. You are an adult. Don't sit there
crying. Take charge of YOUR LIFE. Do what you want -
nothing less, nothing more. Disconnect the phone. Tell
MIL that her intrusive behavior is more dangerous for your mental
health, and thus for your child's welfare, than any infection.
Tell her to shape up, and then you will consider calling her, at
your convenience. Some people are just impossible - the sooner
you stand up for yourself, the better you will be able to stand
up for your baby.
RESPONSE: Emotionally Wrecked New Mom
No wonder you're emotionally wrecked! It seems obvious to
me that you are letting your MIL have WAY too much power in this
situation! YOU are the boss, not her! When she calls
and tries to keep you on the phone, could you try saying, politely,
"I'm sorry, I have to go now. Have a good day,"
and cutting her conversations short?! She needs to BACK OFF!!!!
You need to distance yourself from her (politely). These MILs
have to be taught, sometimes, how to treat us. Is she a nurse
or a doctor, that she deserves to have such a huge amount of control
over you and your new baby? Even if she is, she is being very
overbearing with you. Her only excuse for that would be if
she is YOUR doctor/nurse/midwife, and you don't have any other one
to consult with. Otherwise, she's being very intrusive!!
RESPONSE: Emotionally Wrecked New Mom
First, congratulations on your new little bundle of joy! This
should be a happy time for you, and your MIL is ruining it!
You need to set some firm boundaries now, and you need to tell your
DH that you expect him to support you in doing this, NOW!
First, MIL must be told to stop calling you at your mom's house.
Does your mom have Caller Id? If so, then stop answering the
phone. Period. If your DH answers, tell him you are
not up to speaking to anyone, as you are "resting".
Your mom can say she is too busy caring for you to talk. Ultimately,
though, your DH needs to tell his mother to STOP CALLING!
As for where you will stay, no one (not even your DH) can make you
stay with your ILs. You must stand up for yourself on this
one, or your bond with your beautiful new child will be broken by
your MIL. She is just itching to get her hands on your baby.
She is not concerned with your well-being. You need to go
to your own home with your child, when you are physically up for
it, and begin your new and exciting life as a mother. Don't
let anyone guilt you into thinking you owe your MIL (because you
are planning to move). This is YOUR child and YOU are the
mother! When you do go home (why is it your H's house, isn't
it your house too?), set some rules. MIL must call before
coming over, and you will visit with her if it is convenient for
you. You will care for your child and make the decisions (along
with DH) about how it will be fed, bathed, dressed, potty-trained,
etc. NO ONE ELSE! Please talk with DH about this, and
stress how much you need his support. You will be miserable
if you don't nip this in the bud now! This woman has no right
to decide where you should live or how you should raise your child.
You have EVERY right to live the way you see fit, and to raise your
child the way you want. Your MIL had her family, now it is
your turn. Please come to the message board if you need more
encouragement and support. There are many wonderful people
there who will help you. Good luck!
RESPONSE: Emotionally Wrecked New Mom
Stop taking phone calls. Tell your mom to tell MIL that you
are sleeping or busy. This is your child and you will obviously
do what is best for her. Tell your MIL that you really appreciate
her advice, but that you would really like to figure out things
for yourself. And let her know that if you need help, you
will definitely ask. As for staying with them, if you don't
want to, don't. It will not only be stressful for you, but
also for your baby. Remember that kids pick up on bad vibes.
Try to invite them over, or maybe you could stop by once a week
with your husband. All in all, do what is best for you.
This is your life. Do what is best for you. If you try
and please everyone, you will only make yourself unhappy.
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Frequent
Fry Her TM - Evil Has A
Face 2 of 4 needed /Posted: 11-JAN-02
I almost forgot about one more fun thing my MIL did
when my late husband died. She kept his wallet, check book,
credit cards, etc. And, she refused to return them.
I spent part of the day after the funeral calling and reporting
his cards as stolen and getting my checking account changed.
Nice lady, eh?
Signed - Evil Has A Face
(
I want my own
Frequent Fry Her TM Page )
RESPONSE: Evil Has A Face
Man, some MILs can be total b!tches sometimes. I hope you
reported her for credit card fraud. LOL.
RESPONSE: Evil Has A Face
What a b!tch! She reminds me of my SIL. Every time my
DH used to spend time at her house, his wallet and credit cards
would disappear. One night she convinced him to spend the
night because they got him really drunk. They stole his jewelry
off his body as he slept! Some were very nice, expensive things
that I had bought for him on special occasions! He never got
them back!
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Frequent
Fry Her TM - Evil Has A
Face 3 of 4 needed /Posted: 11-JAN-02
Since I have to do 4 posts to get this on a Frequent
Fry Her page, I guess I will add one in about our wedding.
She didn't approve, of course, and did what she could to make things
miserable. We had a shower given by some of his aunts, and
she came with her current boyfriend (a drunk who sponged off of
her, went on a bad streak, and eventually drank himself to death).
She didn't bring a gift really, unless you count the large tub of
Vaseline she put out as a gag. She didn't participate at all
in any of the planning, and my parents, my DH and I paid for everything,
including the rehearsal dinner. We had the wedding at my parent's
house, which was about a 5 hour drive from where she lived.
She only bothered to show up the day of the wedding, although she
did, at least, bring his grandfather with her, and not the drunk
boyfriend! She sat there all sullen looking, and never smiled.
And, of course, she gave us no wedding gift at all. This was
a practice she continued, at least as far as I was concerned.
I never even got a birthday card, much less a present from her.
Although she always got my late husband both. At Christmas,
if I got anything, it was something very small like a box of cheap
candy or a dollar store photo album. One year, it was a set
of the free Coke glasses they had been giving away at a fast food
restaurant. We, of course, were expected to give her something
nice for her birthday and at Christmas. But she always found
fault with it, no matter what it was (even if it was something she
had asked for!). Some of you may wonder if my late husband
ever stood up to her at all - well, the answer is NO! Not
only did he do the death bed betrayal of signing everything over
to her, but he never defended me if she cut me up. I guess
he was one of the world's greatest momma's boys. I really
resented him for that, especially after that final betrayal.
I am just glad that now I have someone who loves and respects me,
and who WILL defend me if someone talks badly about me. I
look back on all those years I had to put up with her and her redneck
hillbilly family and wish I had them back now. At least I
have the satisfaction of knowing that I was able to make a fresh
start and get away from there.
Signed - I Was Able To
Make A Fresh Start
(
I want my own
Frequent Fry Her TM Page )
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This web site is a God
send! Many people have said to me through the years, "Oh,
my MIL is WONDERFUL!! Sorry you have a problem with yours."
This site makes me feel "normal". I am not the only
one in the world with a difficult MIL! After 13 years of marriage
to DH, and three years since the birth of my twins, I have FINALLY
accepted that my MIL/DIL relationship will never be what I had hoped.
MIL has said many idiotic statements to me in 13 years, ranging
from favoring my one twin daughter over the other, to calling me
obscene names (always behind my back), to making negative comments
about my husband's and my brand new home. Most bizarre is
MIL's need to compare me to her "most favored" daughter.
When I buy something new, MIL refers to the purchase with a statement
like, "What did the princess get NOW"? Immediately
following comes MIL's dissertation about what her "favorite
daughter" recently bought. WHAT IS THAT? I am not
in competition! MIL even compares how much SIL weighs vs.
how much I weigh! I want peace, but peace only comes when
I minimize MIL contact. I want her to know her own grandchildren
(my twins), but I won't subject my girls to the favoritism, insanity
and jealousy that she created within the relationships of her own
six children. Crazily enough, I feel guilty about it.
But it has to be that way. Minimizing the time I spend in
MIL's presence is how I'll have to get through until - well - until
she isn't here anymore.
Signed - Wish It Was
Different
RESPONSE: Wish It Was Different
I know what you mean about feeling guilty. I did too after
cutting MIL off. C'mon over to the message boards. I
am not the only one who has cut MIL's ties to the grandkids, and
many more have to severely limit contact. We'll have you feeling
better (and not so guilty)! J
RESPONSE: Wish It Was Different
She will live to be one hundred. The mean ones always do.
They get all the toxicity out of their system by throwing it onto
others. They only break down other people's immunity through
constant mental stress.
RESPONSE: Wish It Was Different
I hear ya! I can completely understand. My MIL does
that to me too, not as bad though. She compares me to her
daughter on occasions where there are no reasons to bringing her
up. She favors her daughter over her son, my DH, by far.
I also plan to limit time spent with the ILs for the sake of my
children. Don't feel guilty!
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My husband and I were
married this past July. We had a small ceremony with just
my son, my parents, his mother, my brother and sister-in-law, and
his sister and her fiancé. We did not invite the rest
of our brothers or sisters, as we did not want a lot of people there.
And, we wanted it to be very small. This was my husband's
first marriage and my second. I did not expect a gift from
my parents, as they had already given me a gift. Also, they
are on a very limited income, with multiple medical problems and
no prescription coverage. When the ceremony was over, my parents
handed me a card, and my brother and his wife had stopped by our
home prior to the ceremony, and had given us a gift, which we did
not expect. However, my husband's mother, who is very well
to do, and his sister, did not even give us a card. Also,
my husband's baby sister, who was not at the wedding, was to be
married in two and a half months, and their mother was footing the
bill for her wedding, even though she was already living with her
fiancé. She paid for their entire wedding - i.e., dress,
church, organist, flowers, food, drinks, hall, decorations, DJ,
limo, minister, invitations, etc. She also bought her a shower
gift and wedding gift, yet she did nothing for us. After our
ceremony, my brother and SIL had wanted to take us out to dinner.
We went, and also invited the rest of our guests, but everyone except
my MIL had plans. So, my MIL, brother and sister-in-law, my
son, husband and I went out to dinner. When we got to the
restaurant and sat down to order, the waitress asked if it were
on one bill or if we wanted separate checks. Who spoke up
first? My MIL did, and she said, "Separate bills,"
and did not even offer to pay for our dinner. My brother and
sister-in-law were trying to get us to let them pay for our dinner
in private, but we would not let them, as they had already been
generous enough with getting us a gift. The following week
was my husband's birthday, and his mother did not even give him
a phone call, a card, or a gift to wish him a happy birthday.
But, she came over three weeks later for my birthday, with a gift
and a card. My husband is sick of all of the favoritism his
baby sister gets, and how his mother bails her out of everything
and caters to her. I feel very badly for him, as I don't understand
how a mother can treat one child as if they are the most precious
thing on this earth, and the other one, in a sense, just like dirt.
I think my MIL likes me. If she didn't, I don't think she
would buy me a birthday gift or Christmas gift. She also buys
for my son. I am to the point where the way she treats my
husband makes me sick. Does anyone have any advice as to how
to deal with someone like that?
Signed - Way She Treats
My Husband Makes Me Sick
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